Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Happy Tuesday!

Let's get to it!

Dear Brookey,

I hope you and your readers can help me. I recently found out that I'm pregnant and I'm freaking out. Not because I can't take care of the baby on my own or don't want children. It's because I don't know who the father is. I don't have a boyfriend, just a couple "friends with benefits"...if you can even call them that. One is more of a "friend" while the other is more of a jumpoff. I know what you're going to say, I should have used protection with both of them, but I didn't. I must have miscalculated my cycle and I didn't think I could get pregnant. I hadn't planned on having sex with both of them in the same week, but it just happened. Now I don't know what to do.

I plan on keeping the baby, which I'm sure will upset them both when I tell them. But my question is, should I bother telling them at all? I'm 39 years old and make good money, so I may decide to just raise the baby on my own and no one will have to know. I'm embarrassed and afraid and my family is going to be so disappointed in me. Can you tell me where I should begin with no judgments? Any advice will help at this point. Thanks!

Well, I think you should begin by going to your gynecologist and getting a full exam - including one for STD's. If you've had unprotected sex with two men, there's no telling who else they may have had unprotected sex with - so I'd go get checked out to make sure no one has put anyone at risk.

Also, if you haven't had a doctor confirm your pregnancy, I'd do that as well. Make sure that you and your baby are healthy.

Now, as far as dealing with the two men involved, I'd tell them. I know it'll be uncomfortable, but they deserve to know. They both know that they had unprotected sex with you and that pregnancy, as well as contracting an STD, was a possible consequence of that action - and it was a risk they were willing to take. You may be surprised at their reaction. Either way, you have to tell them since the child will also belong to one of them and they should know of your decision. At 39 years old, this shouldn't even be a question for you.

You also may change your mind about seeking financial help from the father as well. While you may make a great salary, I find that no amount of money seems to be enough when it comes to raising children. Daycare, diapers, formula, soccer, ballet lessons, etc. - all of that costs money - and you may be underestimating the cost of raising a child alone. And you shouldn't have to raise a child alone. It takes two to make a baby, and both parents should be responsible for raising a child. Don't decide to raise the child alone simply because you're afraid to find out who the father is. It'll be worse if you change your mind and wind up on Maury later with two men on stage.

And it's not just about money. You shouldn't deny the father a chance to develop a meaningful relationship with his child. Not all men are deadbeats, and once you find out who the father is, you may find that he'll want to play an active role in his child's life. You won't know what you're dealing with until you talk to both of them. Be mature about it. Tell the one who is more of a friend that you want to be upfront and honest and tell him that you had sex with someone else around the same time you had sex with him. Let him know that you want to be sure who the father is in fairness to all involved.

If he's a friend and a mature adult, he'll want to do what's right and submit to a paternity test. I believe that there are pre-natal as well as post-natal DNA tests available now to determine paternity, and your doctor can discuss those options with you. If you can find out before the baby is born, then you can eliminate one possibility by testing your friend first. That way, if the other guy turns out to be the father, you still have time to tell him and prepare him to be a father before the baby arrives. And it may also give you a chance to tell your family and friends who the father is without them judging you for not knowing who the father of your child is. In any case, you're a grown woman and you don't owe your family and friends any detailed explanations. Your true friends will be there to support you, not judge you.

My mother always used to tell me when I was younger: "If you can't see a man as the father of your child, then don't lay down with him." I never understood that, and thought it was a bit drastic, but now it totally makes sense. I always tell my friends that just because you're only interested in a guy as a jumpoff or f*ck buddy, that doesn't mean that you should lay all of your standards down by the river. He shouldn't be a "bottom of the barrel" type dude simply because you don't want to marry him. Having sex is a risk every time you do it, so if you can't see the person you're laying down with as a possible co-parent - then either don't do it, or wrap it up twice. No one wants to get preggers by the thug dude, or the ex-con...and no man wants the "bird chick" for a baby mama. I'm not judging you, but using this as a teachable moment for those out there who think they don't always have to be selective about anyone they sleep with - jumpoff or otherwise.

I wish you the best of luck with everything, and I hope you and your baby are healthy...and ultimately happy.



ArrElle said...


Yolanda said...

ArrElle is on it today!

I wonder if this is a first pregnancy/first baby for this writer? Maybe subconsciously she really wanted a baby. At 39 in the year 2010, I wouldn't think this kind of thing was happening much but I can also understand a "heat of passion" mistake. Happens to the best of us sometimes.

She should definitely take the steps to find out who the father is. We're all old enough to do grown up things, then we have to be grown up enough to handle the adult consequences that come with those grown choices we make.

Regardless of what the potential fathers do, it's your body and your baby. Make the best decision for you and be the best mother you can be. You don't want the drama of how this child was conceived (etc...) to factor into the child's life overall.

Best of luck to her!

Anonymous said...

@No one wants to get preggers by the thug dude, or the ex-con...and no man wants the "bird chick" for a baby mama. "

Yo B!

Wants again...i Beg to differ with your opinion.Mad shorties want to get pregers by me and i love all my baby mamas...holla acha booooy..
"Raekwonavon Understanding Magnificent"

Stef said...

Where the hell did ArrElle come from!? How did THAT happen!?

Anyway, if you ask me, I think she wanted a baby like Yolanda said. If this is her first child, then she probably realized her clock was ticking and allowed herself to get pregnant...but didn't plan on not knowing who the father is.

But you give good advice. I've gotten caught up in the heat of passion before and neglected to use protection, it can happen. Just make sure you get yourself checked out and confirm your pregnancy with a doctor. And then tell them both. They deserve to know once you find out that everything is okay. I hope it all works out!

Brooke said...

uh oh - Thugnificent is back - spelling errors and all!

"ONCE" again, this is why you don't want the thug dude's baby - cuz thug dude should have stayed in school! LOL!!

Jay said...

Good advice B. Definitely tell the guys. I'd want to know and I'm sure if I knew I had unprotected sex with a woman, I wouldn't be too surprised if she told me she was pregnant. I don't understand men who bust off in chicks that aren't their girlfriend. I get heat of the moment, but pull out at least! Unless one of (or both) of them have a death wish or WANT to become fathers, I don't understand this.

At 39, it's hard to imagine this was purely an accident. Failed contraception is accidental, but not allowing yourself to have sex unprotected. That's just risky and reckless, unless you really wanted the baby and just didn't foresee this predicament with two men.

Get checked out, and then tell them that you're pregnant and that there are 2 possibilities. I don't know what you tell your family or friends at this point, but hopefully they'll be supportive.

Good luck and be more careful.

SarKism said...

Put on your big girl pants and talk to the fellas. You guys are both adults and IMHO having a baby by yourself cause you can and not letting the father know is soooooo selfish. You are not doing what's best for the baby(knowing medical history, getting examples of a good/bad man, having the love of both parents and their families) and you are not considering the feelings of the father. He may very well be like you not wanting baby but ready to deal with the consequences and you could miss out on one of the many many many good dudes out here who WOULD step up and take care of their child.

Just my opinion.

Hope all works out for you and the baby!!!

Ms. Penn said...

I don't know any woman who is 39 years old and gets pregnant by accident unless the condom breaks. And honestly, how often does THAT really happen. We're adults, and when you do adult things, handle the consequences like an adult.

Go to the doctor to make sure you're completely healthy, and that the baby is fine. Then tell them. If you want to tell one, like Brooke said, then do that and get a pre-natal DNA test to confirm paternity.

Women, who you lay down with says alot about you and your standards. Brooke is completely right. If you can't see the guy you're having sex with as the father of your child, and would dread being tied to him forever, he is NOT a man you should be having sex with. Period. Men, same goes for you. Stop thinking from between your legs and use your damn brain!

The Cable Guy said...

I'm sorry, but this is nasty.

Get checked out and tell the dudes.

Stef said...

@Cable Guy,

Having unprotected sex is wrong, but people do it all the time. If none of us can say we've never been caught out there in the heat of the moment, then good for you.

Having sex with two guys in one week isn't nasty either. I'm sure there are plenty of people on this blog who have done (or are doing) this now. Shit happens.

It's just that in this day and age, having unprotected sex can kill you, especially if the people you're doing it with aren't people you're in a committed relationship with. Her only fault was having unprotected sex with two men in one week - but none of us is perfect.

Brooke said...

I have to say, the thing that surprised me MOST in this scenario is not that she had unprotected sex with two men in a relatively close period of time - but that two men actually released in a woman they don't consider their girlfriend. I totally understand heat of the moment and not using protection...it can happen. But rarely do men actually ejaculate INTO a woman they don't want to get pregnant.

Let's face it, men don't have reproductive rights like women do in this country...or almost anywhere. It's the woman's body, and if she wants to have a baby, he really has no say. If she DOESN'T want the kid, he has no say. And if she has the kid, then that's what? An automatic 17% wage garnish in the state of NY? I'm not sure of the number, but you get what I'm saying. Most men are terrified to take care of a baby they DO want, let alone one they don't...and with a woman who they're not in love with - so this surprised me more from the mens' point of view.

I'd be hard pressed to find a man who wants to have sex with me unprotected, so even if I subconsciously wanted a baby (as I believe is the case with her) I wouldn't be able to pull that off even if I wanted to.

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke, douche bag dudes do shit like that, bust off in any old chick. They don't care. And some dudes consider that a comeup. If she's 39 and doing well for herself, they might want to knock her up so that she either stays with them and/or takes care of them too. It's a hood mentality, but it happens, trust me.

So if I'm some hood dude and I happen to get with you - I'd bust off in you in a minute just so that I'd have a classy baby moms :) Or so I could brag that I knocked up some corporate chick. But chances are you don't deal with hood dudes, which is why you can't even fathom this happening to you B.

Brooke said...

Note to self: Don't sleep with douche bag hood dudes :)

Rameer The Circumstance said...

I know everyone is gonna be PC on here, and no one wants to say anything bad, but...

I agree with captain Cable's initial assessment. That ish IS nasty.

Not cuz she slept with two dudes. But because she KNOWINGLY let two different dudes she's not "with" bust off in her - in a week's time!!! No if y'all know people who do that or have done it, guess what - they're nasty TOO. She has no idea who these guys other partners could be, what activities they may engage in in their private time, etc. She's essentially playing Russian roulette, and at the age of 39, *I* can't co-sign or sugar-coat that - as everyone has alluded to, she should KNOW better.

And before anyone even attempts to hit me with the assumptive "oh, but if it was a dude..." - he'd be nasty TOO. I remember having to beat a dude's arse years ago cuz I told him he was nasty cuz he bust in this chick he didn't know from Eve. He was bragging and expected everyone to give him props; I told him he was a nasty summabich.

IF that ain't your girlfriend/boyfriend, life mate or hubby/wife, you ain't got NO BUSINESS going raw dog. There's too much info about how high the percentages of STDs amongst Black women keep rising - reckless behavior like this is why.

Good luck to her and the child...but I don't believe in excusing or sugarcoating bad or questionable behavior. Not how I was raised.

phillygrl said...

PLEASE have her just come clean....so to speak..happened with a VERY good friend of mine..she is VERY well to do at a premier I.T .company, college grad, etc, corporate diva...all that, and just got caught out there. Thing is I was childhood freinds with her but hadn't been in touch with her ni a while, but was a good adult friend of her "baby daddy". I didn't know they were "kicking" it, but wasn't none of my business either..so anyway what happened was the guys OFFICE even threw him a ababy shower(He'd been there forever--no kids, etc.) all the women at his job were over the top when he told them he was having a baby, etc..THEN he finds out that it wasn't his...( he was devastated, embarrassed---had to give gifts back at the office,etc) LONG STORY SHORT....it actually was his...& good thing too, b/c yea, other dude was an around the way dude..that this woman was just "hanging out" with....

Serena W. said...

Everything was well said on here. To the sista that wrote the letter to you Brooke the one thing is that she has to learn that her body is a temple, it should be sacred. Echoing what Rameer said, to let two men release inside of you in this day in age is risky, careless but at the end of the day you have gone against your own body. In other words your temple is being destroyed by your own self.

Sorry to get deep but it's true. We can't cry over spilled milk but get back to treating yourself right and not allowing men in your life like this. They only did what she allowed them to do and she knows that. But from this point on love yourself and know that you don't need multiple partners like that and to definitely use protection.

Give that child answers when they grow up and let the father know. If for some reason he wants to bounce (like my father did) get all the info you need so you can answer the important questions later on.

Good luck and prayers your way sis.

Stef said...

I don't think anyone is excusing her behavior at all. She knows what she did was irresponsible and reckless, but what's done is done. Her question was more about what to do as far as dealing with two potential fathers. I just don't believe in kicking anyone while they're down and not trying to come up with solutions and words of advice.

And Cable Guy, in your father's day blog, you said you barely even knew your baby mama, so you busted off in someone that wasn't your girl either! Just because you married her doesn't make you any better than her. So YOU are nasty too by your own standards!

The Cable Guy said...


She was a girl I was dating and I wasn't having sex with other women. But you're right, I had a careless moment, even though we had been careful up until that point. That doesn't excuse anything, but I've never run up raw in 2 women in the same week!

But you're right - I can't fault you for calling me out. That doesn't mean that what she did still wasn't nasty though! But yeah, maybe that was a bit hypocritical of me. But I still think letting two dudes bust off in you in a week is nasty.

Courtney said...

I'm glad you said it Stef, because I was just about to search for that Father's Day blog myself!

If you are not in an exclusive relationship, you shouldn't be having unprotected sex period.

Annamaria said...

FUNNY cuz I had just mentioned Captain Cable's blog (WRITTEN JUNE 14, 2010) to Brooke in a seperate conversation...

Just cause ya'll were dating doesn't make it less nasty Captain..If you didn't take a minute to discuss something as simple as your favorite color we can only imagine what else you didn't discuss. SO let's all not throw stones..

Half of us on this blog have kids so we've all had unprotected sex at one time or another. And like ya'll said let's not kick her while she's down...

Girl go get a thorough check up & discuss things THOROUGHLY with both men. Be very upfront & honest.
Good luck & god bless the baby.

Stef said...

Thank you Annamaria! I went back and read that blog and he's being ALL KINDS of hypocritical right now.

If NO ONE on this blog can say they've NEVER had unprotected sex, then please be quiet otherwise!

Anthony Otero said...

I wasnt touching this one...lol

Brooke said...

LOL@ Ant :)

I'm sure we all have done some questionable things in our lives, so far be it from me to judge. I have an opinion, but at the end of the day, unless I can say I've never made a mistake, then my opinion means nothing.

ArrElle said...

My advice is no differ than anyone else's on the board. Get yourself checked for STDs and just tell these two men that one of them maybe a potential father to your unborn child. That's it in a nutshell, I know it may not be as clear cut to come clean to these men but this is something that must be done.

I'm not going to pass judgement because God knows I'm not so innocent myself.

Mr. Nice Guy said...

No one is perfect - everyone who is calling her nasty isn't perfect.

It was irresponsible, but we all have been at some point in our lives. You live and learn.

I wish you well and hope you and your baby are happy and healthy.

Rameer said...

Wow...y'all just thrashed Captain Cable...

I feel you on the offer a solution tip, Stef. I really couldn't offer
one other than the ones Brooke-Ra already did. And I'm not trying to
kick her while she's down...but I was simply being honest. I don't
subscribe to the belief that we should all prop people up or let things slide because they've engaged in crazy behavior - which this IS.

I also don't think comparing having unprotected sex to THIS activity is remotely fair. You can have unprotected sex with your mate in a responsible manner; birth control being one method, pulling out, hubby/wives, etc. So just cuz we all may have had unprotected sex before doesn't put us in the category of twice in the same week with sex buddies we don't know enough about - without giving thought to our own
mortality or the consequences.

I'm not trying to be the uber-negative person on the blog today...but I'm not going to just let the details of this slide like it's okay. If this was my sister, she'd have to worry not only about STDs...she'd seriously have to worry about my foot up her arse.

Blunt, but true. I don't excuse suspect behavior, and I believe that is part of the problem today - allowing/coddling/sugarcoating bad behavior. Most of the solutions here are on-point, and I especially concur with Brooke-Ra's initial ones.

Captain Cable...always keep in mind what you've said and done in the past. Cuz it seems like half the blog was ready for you on this!!!

The Cable Guy said...

I know Rameer, they was ready to get me! But I deserved it. I don't think my behavior was nearly as reckless since she was the only girl I was seeing and having sex with...and I had one slip up, I didn't nut in 2 chicks in one week!

But wrong is wrong, and I'm man enough to admit that I may have been a hypocrite. My son is the best thing to ever happen to me, so I hope the woman who wrote the letter shares in the same joy with her child and that this dilemma won't get in the way of her and her child's life.

Stef said...

I hear you Rameer, but again, I don't think anyone on the blog either excused or sugar coated her behavior. Everyone, including the author of the letter to Brooke, knows that what she did was irresponsible. She said she was embarrassed by it, so I didn't see any need to belabor it. None of us are her parents, nor do we know her. We all know that having unprotected sex is risky, whether you knoww the person well or not. You can catch something from your husband just as much as you can from a jumpoff. It's all a risk.

Not one persoon said "it's okay girl, get your raw dog swerve on!" We all know that what she did was suspect, so we just deal with the issue at hand - which is telling the fathers and getting checked out. I'm sure this incident has taught her and ALL of us a lesson that we may have needed to be reminded of.

Stef said...

@Cable Guy,

I'm glad you're man enough to admit you're a hypocrite - hater! LMAO!!

I kid, I KID! LOL!

The Cable Guy said...

Later for you Stef! LMAO!

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