Monday, August 2, 2010

Baby Mama Potential?

Happy Monday everyone!

So I heard something that got me very curious on the train this morning. Two guys were talking about a mutual friend of theirs who apparently was expecting his first child. One of them said he was surprised that their friend married his wife and had decided to have children with her because he didn't think she'd make a good mother. The other guy asked him why he thought she wouldn't be a good mother and his response floored me.

"Because she's fat."


The other guy seemed just as shocked as I was at his response. Although it seemed tactless and mean, I was curious to hear his reasoning.

"Women who are fat lack self control, therefore they don't make good mothers."

We both sat there listening to him....crickets.

While I thought his reason was absurd, it did beg the question: What traits should a woman possess (or not possess) that would deem her fit to have "baby mama" potential from a man's perspective? I'm sure this answer varies from man to man - but in general...what do men look for in a woman who might carry their seed one day?

As silly as his answer seemed, I could see his thought process. Most men want a woman who is responsible to be the mother of his child. So if she eats too much, he may think she doesn't care about her health, or will pass down bad eating habits to their children. While some people are overweight for reasons that have nothing to do with bad eating habits and/or lack of exercise, most people who could lose some weight should be more conscious about their nutrition. That's not to say that a woman who is overweight can't make healthy choices for her children, but the assumption is that if a person is heavy, they're lazy and they don't eat well...and therefore are reckless with their health and will be irresponsible when it comes to their child's health as well.

So tell me, what else would make a man think that a woman wouldn't make a good mother?

Here are a few traits I can think of off the top of my head:

1. She's promiscuous or a "party girl"
2. She had/has an addiction (drinking, smoking, self destructive, Lindsay Lohan, etc.)
3. She's selfish or materialistic
4. She's impatient
5. She's crazy :-) (most men think "crazy" and "woman" are synonymous) LOL!
6. She can't cook or clean
7. She doesn't work, has no real skill
8. She's not nurturing, affectionate or "motherly"
9. She's fiercely independent
10. The obvious...she doesn't want kids :-)

Are there any more? Women, are there traits that you look for in a man to determine if he'd make a good father? If so, what are they?

Let's hear it! Go!



Yolanda said...

First beeeeyotches!

Whoa. I couldn't get past the fat people don't have self control comment. I've heard that before and I'm reassessing my evening plans.

*pulls out gym bag*

Craig n 'em said...

Dude is an idiot...

Anonymous said...

Problem is, the standards have been reduced to "baby mama" vs having the wife first in a wed-lock marriage.

Our culture is all fucked up

Brooke said...

Well, the men on the train referred to her as his wife, so they ARE married. That was simply my play on words as a title, but I do agree with you.

Would the same traits you look for in a wife be the same that you look for in a potential mother to a child? Do they go hand in hand?

Stef said...

What a fucking asshole that guy was! Because she's fat?? Brooke, I see your reasoning, but do you agree with him?? I thought that was totally ignorant!

As for traits in a potential father for my child, I'd have to say he should be nurturing as well, responsible, gentle, patient and God fearing.

Brooke said...


No, I didn't agree with what he said. I thought it was ignorant as well. There are SO many things that go into being a parent, and being "skinny" or "in shape" doesn't mean you'll be a great parent any more than being "fat" will make you a bad one.

But that being said, like Yolanda, I HAVE heard the "fat people lack self control" comment before. It's about anything in excess really - whether it's food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, etc. It's the belief that you cant' stop yourself from partaking in those things that are considered bad for you that makes some people nervous. We can say a person drinks too much, or smokes too much, but few people feel comfortable saying that someone eats too much. Sort of taboo to say, even if we're thinking it. He just happened to say it out loud.

Jay said...

Brooke, you ask a good question - because most men I know subconsciously wonder if a woman would make a good mother to their child one day when determining a wife - so unless he doesn't want kids, I think those traits DO go hand in hand. I know they do for me.

If a woman possessed any of the 10 traits you listed, I'd be a bit leary of her as a potential mother to my child. If she was crazy, violent or had an addictive personality, I wouldn't marry her - whether a child would be involved or not. Selfish women can't be considered "mother material" to me - because being a parent is a selfless act. I'd assume women would say the same thing when it comes to traits in a man.

That's a good list, I can't think of anything else to add. I also think the guy on the train was a jerk, but there are many people (men AND women) who think that way about overweight people. It's just that we're not supposed to say it.

annamaria said...

Weight comment was STUPID plain & simple.

Personally I think they should give exams to people before they are allowed to have babies. Sort of like a fear factor + police exam+ permit test+road test+ bar exam..If you can pass all of those then you are allowed to procreate! lol

Courtney said...

Brooke, good list. I think it's safe to say that a woman with any of those traits SHOULD NOT be a mother :)

And I'd say that list applied to men too. Same traits.

As for the baby mama comment - not all people want to be married, and there are couples who choose to have children without that piece of paper saying that they're husband and wife. I know Brooke is spiritual, as are most people on this blog, but let's not assume that everyone agrees to the "traditional" way things are "supposed to be" done. I might have a child out of wedlock one day because I want to be a mother and I maybe I haven't found my husband yet. I don't think that single women should be childless simply because they don't have a man at home. But that's just me - so I didn't take offense to the "baby mama" title - because that is literally what some people only want to be.

My two cents.

Annamaria said...

I agree Courtney... I'm a proud baby mama. :) And Sophia will be 1 on Thursday. We don't love her any less because we aren't married. We'll be married next year but Sophia did not drive that decision. We did. Sometimes the carriage comes before the horse! :)

The Cable Guy said...

"Crazy" and "Woman" ARE synonymous! LOL!

But anyway, that guy was a moron. And I'm sure their friend thought the same qualities that would make her a good wife are some of the same ones that would make him think she'd be a good mother. Like Jay said, unless a man doesn't want kids, the traits a man looks for in a wife usually are wrapped around the idea that someday she'll be the mother of his child.

I want to add one to Brooke's list.

11. If she's dumb as a bag of rocks.

I'm sorry, but I can't have an idiot raising my kids. I'd have to trust that she can teach them a thing or two, more than what they'd learn in school. I want my child to be a genius, so having a smart mother helps :)

Jay said...

That's a good one Cable Dude. I want my wife to be smarter than me, and I definitely can't have a woman who is a little "slow" raising my kids :)

Anonymous said...

All I have to say is fat or skinny, good cook bad cook etc. There is no way of telling who will be a good parent and who won't. All my life I thought I wanted to be a mom, and I have none of the qualities you listed and you know what I'm not as good a parent as I thought I would be. And I know some people who I would consider selfish and they had a baby and they are excellent parents!!! So go figure....

Stef said...


Can I ask why you think you're not as good a parent as you thought you'd be?

Brooke said...

It's true, there's no way of knowing what type of parent we'll be until we actually become one. And I do think that becoming a parent can change some of the traits a person has/displays.

I think it's quite possible to be a great parent if you're impatient - because parenthood can TEACH YOU patience. If you're selfish, sometimes becoming a parent is the cure to that, because you have to think about someone else besides yourself.

Now, if you're an addict of some kind - that may be troublesome. The list I gave are what are PERCEIVED to be some of the reasons why someone MIGHT not be considered a good candidate to be a parent - but all of those perceptions/traits can be changed if a person wants to be a good parent. None of this is science - and sometimes the type of parent you'll be is also determined by the type of child you have. It's all just a guess.

Anonymous said...

@ Stef I guess I would say I am an average parent. I love kids, always have, but I find that I am the reverse of what Brooke just said. I feel I am less patient and more selfish. I can't wait to get a moment by myself. Now don't get me wrong I love my kids I just think I was looking at it through rose colored glasses. But interestingly enough the more I think of the comments that started this blog topic, maybe that is why the guy made such an ignorant comment, because maybe he knows the work that is required to be a parent and assumes that if fat= lazy thinks that's why she won't be a good parent.... Brooke I think you could expand more on this topic to lead into a discussion about beauty. I recently was having a discussion with a friend who wants to go back to work but feels she needs to amp up or get her look together before applying for work. she feels her looks will hold her back. (she is in the beauty industry) This could go back to the old age question of do people with a certain look or body type get ahead more or are treated differently?

ect. ect. ect.
I think I am rambling now!!!! sorry

Brooke said...

Well, I think it's expected that if you work in the beauty/fashion industry, you'd be a "fashionista" in the trendiest clothes and be put together. I don't know what your friend looks like, but if she means she needs a makeover, then maybe that would be just the thing to get her mojo back after having not been in the industry for a while. Maybe a new haircut would boost her confidence.

At the end of the day, I DO believe that people who look a certain way (ie: pretty, dress well, etc.) get ahead moreso than folks who are overweight, dress sloppy, etc, but that's not all it takes. You still have to be confident, capable and excel. You can only get so far on your looks, and if you can't do the job, then none of those outward things will matter (unless maybe you're sleeping with the boss)...but I don't recommend that :)

Definitely a blog for another day.

As for being a selfish, impatient parent - I think what you mentioned means you need some help and a break! But without knowing you and your situation, I can't say for sure.

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