Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What Are We Doing?

Good Morning!

Do any of you watch Dancing with the Stars? If so, you've no doubt noticed the sexual tension and romantic "goings-on" between ballroom dancer Cheryl Burke and her partner - football player Chad Ochocinco. Even Ellen picked up on it, check it out:

Stevie Wonder can see that these two have gotten busy. But hey, if they're "friends," then they're just friends.

Is it me, or do celebrities seem to enjoy denying that they're in relationships? I mean, Beyonce and Jay-Z stayed tight-lipped about it up until the wedding, even though errbody and they mama knew they were together. To this day, Mrs. Carter still doesn't discuss her marriage or her husband. And I get it.

If I were a celebrity, I'd probably want to keep my business to myself too. Hell, I'm NOT a celebrity, and I don't go around broadcasting my business all willy nilly. Some things people just don't need to know.

But do you find that people nowadays are afraid to admit that they're dating? Or are they reluctant to do so because they're not sure if they're actually dating or not?

I have a friend who's been seeing a guy for over a year, but says that he's not her boyfriend. They do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff...but they don't label it as such - sort of like what Cheryl and Chad said in that Ellen clip.

But do we have to label what we're doing when we're dating? What do we call it? Is there a certain amount of time that goes by after which one should say "Okay...what are we doing?" Or do we wonder about it until someone gets down on one knee?

Personally, I think most of us can tell when we're in a real relationship - or at least want to be. And I don't think I would be able to date someone for a long period of time without them professing some sort of feelings for me...is unapologetic about it, and doesn't care who knows. If there's secrecy involved, that means there's either doubt...or he's just really not that into me.

Now, I'm not saying people should rush to color themselves in a relationship or not. Most times it takes a while to figure out if someone is dating material, let alone relationship material. Because then of course, once you get to relationship stage, you wonder if they're marriage material. All of this can either be figured out fairly quickly, or it can take years. Everyone is different - and by all means, don't rush it.

But after you've figured out that someone IS relationship material...and you finally realize that you're actually already IN a relationship - how do you proceed from there? Do you have a "talk" where the rules and expectations are spelled out? Is it just assumed? Do you wait until the other person says "I love you" first before you decide that you're actually exclusive with someone?

Tell me how it's gone down with you in your past relationships that were actually "labeled" as such. And have any of you ever let a relationship go sour because no one was willing to step up and take it to the next level?

If only it was as easy as when we were kids - when all you had to do was pass the guy or girl a note that had one question written on it - "Do you like me?" And he or she had to check the box marked "yes" - "no" - or "maybe." If the answer was yes, you were "going out." See how simple that was? No fuss. No confusion. No room for misunderstandings.

Ah, the good ole days :-)




Rameer The Circumstance said...


Rameer The Circumstance said...

Cheryl Burke has dated a few of her co-stars - as have many of the pro dancers on that show. Can you BLAME the guests, though? I mean - you have to be with this person for weeks who has this sexy, sculpted body...and you're practicing the sexiest, most romantic, libido-intensifying dances on Earth.

Um...yeah. I'd be humping my partner too. Mario Lopez was the only one who admitted publicly to his relationship, though - even though the others have been obvious.

I always make the joke I'd go on that show in a heartbeat, just to hook up with one of those sexy-ass women pros...lmao!

My girlfriend and I simply just put it out there after dating for a month - what do we expect out of this? Where is this going? We were just straight forward and talked about the relationship and our expectations to make sure we were on the same page. And, once we saw we were, it's been smooth sailing ever since.

It was pretty simple for us. Can't speak for others, obviously.

Anthony Otero said...

um..He is hitting that. Big Time.

I can understand the need for some privacy though. People love to be in the business and there is no need for it.

Stef said...

This is a good topic, because I've been in relationships longer than I needed to be wasting time all because I was afraid to ask "what are we doing?" I find that alot of people, men in my case, have no problem reaping the benefits of a relationship without saying that they're actually IN one. There's no real commitment, even though both of us aren't seeing anyone else, but yet dudes would always be like "I"m not ready for all that" even though they were doing all that. It made no sense to me.

Now after I feel that we've spent enough time together and definitely if we've been intimate, I have that talk. I simply ask what the expectations are. Admittedly, it's been after the fact sometimes, but if we bonin on the reg, then I feel like I have a right to know. Doesn't mean if he says we're not exclusive that I'll stop seeing him, but it lets me know where I stand.

As for Cheryl Burke and Ochocinco - HELL YEAH he's hittin that! All these DWTS celebs hookin up! I don't blame her, he's FINE! LOL!

Rameer The Circumstance said...

BTW - I've been loving Cheryl Burke from afar since I first saw her on Season 1. I don't WATCH the show, other than if I'm walking by a screen and it's on and I see one of the sexy women on the show, I'll watch her dance cuz - well, cuz I'm a MAN! Lmao!

Her fine. REALLLLLL FINE. Body is YUMMY, too.

My girlfriend punched me in the ribs last week for watching Cheryl and...er..."commenting" on her skill set...lolz.

Brooke said...

Annamaria, you're funny :)

Anonymous said...

Nowadays i think people want to label things quickly but for the wrong reasons..they want the title and not the job....
they have not researched the Co(other person) or the job description(needs of other person) enough to know if they are qualified to fill that 'position'. Dating should be an internship ....forget calling or not calling it something...enjoy the experience...and if it is a match, you would have learned all the skills necessary to perform your job without the harsh review of someone who has the title and 'position'. enjoy the experience and call it what it looks like at the end...hopefully love...but i think woman may need a title. ladies is that true....

Anthony Otero said...

Cheryl Burke is the shit though...I can write a poem about dancing all night with her...damn

Jay said...

Cheryl Burke IS an eyeful of curvy, sexy deliciousness. I hope Ochocinco is hittin that correctly.

As for the topic, it's just a matter of having a conversation. If a dude tells you he's not ready, but does "boyfriend" stuff, or makes YOU do "girlfriend" stuff - but doesn't call you his girl...then BOUNCE. That's a cat that's up to no good.

Like Annamaria said, if someone isn't afraid of being in a relationship, he'll MAN (or she'll WOMAN) UP and take that risk to see where it goes. Too many people are scared of possible rejection, so they waste time spinning their wheels and not going anywhere. If you know you're not ready for a relationship, make that known too. Don't waste anyone else's time either.

As far as privacy, I don't think most people are private and that's why they're not talking...I think they're not talking cuz they themselves don't know what the hell they're doing. If I were a celebrity, I'd keep my business private. But in everyday, regular life, if I'm with someone, I'm with them..and I have no problem telling anyone about my Queen.

Brooke said...

I don't think women necessarily need the title, we just need to know what's going on. I've known many women who fall into the category that Stef was in - in a relationship with a man who doesn't call it that. I think alot of women are afraid to ask the questions because they're afraid of running the man off. Typically most women assume that men avoid relationships like H1N1, so they do everything possible not to rock the boat - but wind up wasting alot of time in the process. They feel like if they just "hang in there" he'll come around, without even knowing if the guy they're spending time with wants to be in a committed relationship or not.

Most people love the security that comes with the relationship, but are afraid of it at the same time. Because with it comes responsibility. If you both know what you want, that needs to be stated sooner rather than later. Not saying on the first date, but everyone has an internal clock that lets them know when it's time. We just have to listen to it. I don't think it matters what title you give it, so long as you both have the same understanding.

Jaz said...

Well said Brooke!

I don't need a title. I just need to know where I stand. As long as I know we're moving forward, we can kick it without any labels. If we're just dating, then that's cool too, just let me know!

Most guys assume that if they tell a woman that they're not ready for a relationship, that the woman will go the other way. Not always the case. It just means we won't put our everything into THAT relationship and keep our options open. But men don't want you to do that. They want you to be there for THEM, not see anyone else, even though THEY don't want you. That's not fair. If you're not ready to settle down, then be a man or a woman and be honest so you don't keep that other person back. Otherwise you're being selfish. And don't be afraid to speak up and ask what's up. At least you'll know and you can move forward or not.

momo925 said...

I agree with Jaz. Most men want their cake and eat it too. They want the benefits of being in a relationship without the responsibility. I said most men...not all lol

DMoe said...

Great topic Brookey.

Seems like if "announcements are made", they should merely be the kind like Eddie Murphy's "To be loved" singing outside his apartment in Queens.

Otherwise, love goes, grows and the next thing you know, folks got that "look in their eye" that Frankie Beverly used to sing about.

I think its an excellent question, but I really can't say...It just kinda --- happens ---.

As for Cheryl B and Ocho, you can smell the "badussy" all up in the clip. LOL.

Your friend and mine,

Ms. Penn said...

I dunno about that DMoe. I feel that nowadays, even when the feeling is there and it just "kind of happens" folks STILL need to speak on it. I think a few of my relationships have fizzled out because no one was willing to say what it was and step up. It's like we're so afraid to be vulnerable that no one does anything.

I've felt love before without being someone's girl. Loving someone and being committed to each other are sometimes totally different things.

Anonymous said...

Is anybody watching Tough Love Couples? Rameer...get on that!

OchoCinco bought Cheryl a $22K 'friendship' ring! Yeah, he's sniffin all up in that. And I ain't mad. He's a cutie.

As for defining relationships: I'm a LOSER in that category. I fall for unavailable men and let the 'relationships' continue to the point where I fall in love. I'm still working through that pattern. It's very hard work, especially when you have a great connection with a person and know the reasons why they aren't focused on a relationship at the moment. Deciding whether to 'wait it out' is the hard part. I'm sure I need to lay on someone's couch and discuss it.


Brooke said...

Did Tough Love Couples premiere last night? Did I miss that?!

Dang Yolanda, been there, done that.

Anonymous said...

Yup, Tough Love Couples started. And Steve is uber gully this time around.


Jeff Dorcely said...

Brooke!! You missed one hell of a show!!! Steve Wort is NOT PLAYIN' with these couples!! It's SERIOUS!! I will be watchin' on the regular!!! BTW... Everything is still going very well with the girl I'm seeing. We've been seeing each other for about 2 months. Her name is Michelle and all I can say is that I haven't been THIS happy in quite some time!! I could be having a bad day and she always finds a way to make me smile. I am SERIOUSLY considering having 'The Talk' with her pretty soon.

Annamaria said...

I think I'm gonna go home & have the talk with Powerz...LMAO... He needs to tell me where this is going already..LMAO..

Seriously I do agree with everyone(HOLY COW IT CAN HAPPEN)
people get scared to have the talk & then someone ends up feeling like they wasted their time OR got taken advantage of. I think when you feel it you should take a deep breath & jump in. It could go great & even if it doesn't at least you know where you stand & don't waste any more of your time..

Brooke said...


How do you see "the talk" going? What are you gonna say? :)

Jeff Dorcely said...

I envision it being a painless conversation because we just happen to be very honest and open when communicating with each other in general. I would probably flatly ask her how she would feel about us being exclusive and see what she says. No more no less. Why beat around the bush? Right?

Brooke said...

I agree!

Do you think most men dread the "talk" or are they more open to it than women realize?

Serena W. said...

That ring is huge! Some friendship huh :) They happened to me once and the reason why it hurt was because I told everyone he was my boyfriend, etc (I mean I only moved across the country for the man).

Some of his friends on the east didn't have a clue and were upset with him because he wasn't being truthful.

But if you have that understanding between one another and it makes you happy then go for it, don't label each other.

Just don't let the labeling be one sided. That's when it could sting. Especially if you think you two have an understanding but in reality you don't.

Stef said...

Whoa. You MOVED for this man and he wasn't claiming you? Yeah, he might have gotten cut!

That's why its so important to have the talk, no matter how uncomfortable it is. It may have saved you that move, or some other heartbreak. No matter what you "feel", you still need to hear it and call it what it is.

Serena W. said...

Oh we had the "talk" even about marriage. But you know what, I'm happy I did make that move because so many other blessings came out of it. All of the connections made, writing flourished and I became a published author, started consulting...

I can go down the list of the blessings that happened.

But we didn't happen, we broke up a year and a couple of months after my move. I didn't find out that some of his friends on the east side didn't know until months after the move. We're not even friends...which is cool. It is what it is.

It just let me know, I was ready and he clearly wasn't. It's all gravy and water under the bridge now.

Some ladies and gents though would have cut him...physically...slashed tires, etc. I couldn't bring myself to doing it. It's not my character.

If I knew you and Annamaria back then Stef I would have called ya both! LOL!

DMoe said...

@Ms. Penn -

Your right. Call me an idealist with what I said, but at a certain point...Its time for a sit down to sort it all out and decide where things go from there.


Annamaria said...

Serena: Stef & I would have been there with matching tasers!!! LMAO....

Stef said...

Damn skippy! LOL!

Serena W. said...

I can see you with a pink one Annamaria with baby on hip! LOL!

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