Tuesday, April 27, 2010

If It Ain't Broke...

Happy Tuesday!

And Happy Birthday to our very own FLOYD BERRY!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday - I was kidnapped by aliens! Okay, so maybe not aliens, but that's neither here nor there :-) I'm back now though, so let's get to it.

This article was sent to me by a friend as a possible blog topic - so I decided to go with it...and his title too :-) On Friday's Sexy Survey, my first question asked something along the lines of if you'd want to, or consider living with someone before you got married. Another question on the survey touched on how you'd rather spend an extra hour of leisure - with your partner or alone. I think the article brings these two questions together, and ties in...just a bit.

Now, if you don't feel like reading the entire article, here is the first scenario:

The art of living apart

Boy meets girl. Boy has two kids. Girl would rather keep her own place, thank you.

Couple: Marisol and Rob Simon

Their challenge: Marisol, 45, a chef and author, and Rob, 55, a new-media entrepreneur, may have fallen in love -- but that didn't mean they wanted to join households, which in Rob's case included two kids. Their solution? In the seven years they've been married, they've happily maintained separate spaces. Sleepovers allowed.

In their case, they didn't have a desire to live together - before OR after marriage. Now, this may seem odd to some people, but I don't necessarily think it is. My mother started dating a man when I was 16 years old. They were both divorced and saw no need to get married again, so they happily dated and lived apart for years until he passed. He was like more of a father to me than my biological one, and I never felt like they were less of a couple simply because they didn't get married or live together.

As a matter of fact, I'm sure they stayed together as long as they did BECAUSE they didn't live together. Maybe, like the couple suggests in the article, they had a chance to actually miss each other. And even though they only lived 15 minutes away from each other and saw each other several times a week, they still needed to maintain their own space.

Now, here is the second scenario in the article:

Together forever, all the time

For some, it would be too close for comfort. For them, it's all in a day's work.

Couple: Andrea and Scott Zieher

The challenge: A cohabiting couple for almost a decade (they married last summer), Andrea, 34, and Scott, 44, also opened a business together seven years ago. Their New York City art gallery has two employees: them. Just the two of them. In one room. All day.

I think this would drive me crazy. But there are several couples who met at the job, so they not only live together, they work together too. My best friend and her husband met at work - two lawyers on opposing sides. They fell in love, moved in and married...and saw each other all the time until she had their first son and became a stay-at-home mother.

Some people LOVE spending every waking moment with their partner - which is why I asked the question if you had an extra hour of leisure, would you spend it alone or with the person you love. Now, if there are 24 hours in a day, then ONE alone won't kill you right? You'd think you'd NEED that hour to yourself. But there are some folks that are SO in love and SO enveloped in their relationship, they would spend ALL 24 hours with their boo if they could. Nothing wrong with that either. I guess... ;-)

So tell me, which of these two scenarios is you? Or could be you?

Personally, I'd like a balance between the two. If we didn't live together, I'd see no need to get married. One of the benefits of marriage is splitting a mortgage and household expenses so that you have more money to save. If we maintained two different residences, we might as well keep everything else separate too - and not be married.

And since the woman in the first scenario didn't have - or want to be around - kids, I'd think it would be difficult to be married while raising kids and live apart.

But I'd also not want to be on top of each other all day either. While I love spending time with someone I love, it can be a bit much if I see them all day AND all night too. I want to be able to miss him, and hear how his day went instead of just knowing. I think it's great when couples want to be with each other all the time - but for me, I wouldn't want either of us to feel taken for granted or stifled. I think that can happen when people don't have room to breathe.

So what do you think? Which scenario do you think your relationship would thrive in most?




JUSTBNME! said...

First BITCHES!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the B'Day love!!


Annamaria said...


Finally Foolio gives some helpful input.

Brooke said...

You're welcome Floyd! How's baby Brooke? :)

JustBNMe beat ALL y'all!

Annamaria, put the taser away. And yes, Foolio helped me out today :)

Annamaria said...

1. Happy Birthday Floyd!

2. Anyone who knows Foolio.. (Brooke, Powerz, Ms.Nay & Geeque) can understand why his crazy a** would even consider any of this..

3. If I don't want to be around your kids from a previous marriage then I shouldn't be married to you. When you date someone with kids its a package deal. Those kids make them who they are.

4. I need 5 minutes to myself. I don't need to work in one room all day every day & be married to you also. This would work in a scenario in which one or both parties (assuming you work well together) have a business in which one or both of you can get out for work. For example a real estate agent & his "assistant".. lol one can stay at home doing the research, etc while the other one goes out to show property & vice versa. It is healthy to go to work & spend 8 hours in the real world.

5. There is no right or wrong when it comes to relationships whatever works for whoever is what works for them. I know I could not live with EITHER of these scenario's.

phillygrl said...

joy alone time, maybe becasue I'm an only child, I don't know, but I am comfortable with myself & like to just veg out in front of TV, read the latest magazine or yack it up on phone with a freind..OR just do nothing. I think everyone needs that.I don't know..My aunt & her husband spent EVERY waking moment together, they worked together, did extra curricular actvities together, etc..He passed away from Lung cancer abt 3 years ago & of course while devastating, I think she is still taking it VERY hard---because she didn't want to do things with freinds( she had no freinds, except co -workers) , she dind't do family stuff & if they wre aprt for a minute they were CONSTANTLY ringing each other's cell phones.

Now she's in lots of activities, a gym rat & does all thsi stuff to keep busy, but I think just to keep her thoughts off of him, which is understandable, but I feel like if she'd been actively living HER life including others before, she'd be dealing with it a little better.

The Fury said...

Man I need space to breathe. I can't imagine spending every waking moment with someone. How do you develop and grow as a person if you only have one focus all the time? At some point there has to be an end to conversation because they know how your day was, what you had for lunch, how many times you took a dump...geez

That of course leaves the not living together scenario...a little too extreme, but it could work...with lots of sleep overs. Hehehe

but yeah why get married if it works? Words and deeds. You don't need the words if the deeds are indeed.

Anonymous said...

Baby Brooke is doing well. Thanks for asking She started day care today...you talk about legalized robbery!! Daycare is expensive! $400 dollars a week and that is with a discount!!

With respect to today's blog topic, I have to have time to myself. Early in my marriage, my wife would call me every hour on the hour, but I had to politely ask her to chill a bit because it was becoming increasingly annoying! Everyone should spend time away from the mate! Absence just makes the heart grow fonder!

Thanks Annamaria! Congrats on your engagement! NICE!


Brooke said...

What did she want to talk about Floyd? Every hour on the hour?

There's a guy who works here whose wife calls that frequently and I always hear him say "Babe, I gotta go, I'll see you at home."

I feel like asking him "what did she want THIS time??"

I think it's because she's a new mom who's at home with the baby all day and just wants to hear an adult's voice....but still....

What could you possibly want EVERY hour on the hour? That would drive me crazy. Send me a text :)

And I agree Fury...I don't see why people would get married if they decided to maintain lives that separate. If we had no children, and never planned on having any, then why bother? If it ain't broke... ;)

Yolanda said...

Happy bday Floyd.

I'm an only child too (sorta... I'm my Momma's only kid. My Dad was married once before and had 2 kids before me), so I completely understand the need to be alone sometimes. Still, I do want to get married and live with my hubby one day. I'm a quality time kinda person, so actually SEEING him means a lot. But he will need to GO AWAY sometimes too!

Now, can we hear more about these aliens? There's a story there.

Serena W. said...

Hi everyone!

I laughed when I read scenario one because I thought of my Mom and my friend's Dad and his step mom.

Mom always said that if she were to meet a great guy that she couldn't live with him. Now this is when she was like 50. She said she was so used to the way she lived. Hence she didn't say marriage, I think if she ever got married she might have thought differently.

But I had to chuckle because she would raise her hand and say scenario #1 is her.

Now to my friend. His dad and step mom live in 2 different houses! They have been married for years!What's different about them vs. Scenario #1?The father foots the bill for both mortgages, utilities, etc.

Yes...super wow!

Me personally when I get married its a union. A sacred one at that so yes I want to live with my hubby whether he has kids or not.Spending every waking moment is a negative! We have to have our own lives.

Unless its like Annamaria said and you share a biz together but one works outside and the other in then that may be cool for me.

Interesting read B!

Happy Birthday Floyd

Jay said...

Happy Birthday my dude! Glad to hear wife and baby are well.

But I'm glad you politely asked her to stop calling so frequently, cuz that would make me bonkers.

I agree with Fury. How can you grow and develop as a person if you're always up under someone else and only have their input or insight to add to your life. While I agree your spouse should help in that development, you have to have balance and other outside influences and interests to round you out. I'd go nuts.

And I agree with B, why get married if you plan on living separate lives? If she doesn't want to be around his kids, then just continue to date. The marriage vows don't make you that much more committed if it's already in your heart. Marriage has many benefits I'm sure, but it sounds to me like they may not be taking advantage of most of them.

Sleepoevers are always fun though. And when they get on your nerves, you have somewhere to go. I'm not against having more than one residence, in case things get heated and you need some time alone. But I feel like there's nothing like going to bed and waking up with your partner. If you don't want that, then don't get married, just date apart and love each other from a short distance :)

Annamaria said...

Thank ya Floyd. Glad baby Brooke is doing ok. YES DAY CARE IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY! I'm lucky mama babysits lil Sophia.

Brooke: when you are home & the only person you have to talk to is a newborn baby & your sleep deprived & your hormones are adjusting etc etc. you need a damn adult to speak to sooo I'm sure that's why she calls him soo much. I'm sure I called Powerz an extra time or two when I was home with Sophia.

All in all I ain't marrying someone that I am not going to live with. And I'm sure Powerz ain't cosigning this one either

Brooke said...

That makes sense Annamaria, cuz I'm sure being at home with a baby all day can make you a lil coo-coo :-)

I can date living apart forever, but if we get married, then I need the benefit of some savings - especially living in NYC! jeez!

Serena W. said...

NYC you need like 4 couples to live together to save real money. LOL!

No really, I could only imagine what it's like to be at home with a baby day in and day out. But every hour though????

The Cable Guy said...

You'd have to be going nuts at home with a baby if you calling somebody every hour on the hour. That's crazy!

I don't see the point in getting married if you're going to live apart. You might as well just date. That being said, the second scenario was a bit extreme. I'd wind up killin somebody if they was all up under me all damn day AND night. Insanity.

Brooke said...

I think I just processed what Floyd wrote - $400 A WEEK???

who's watching her? Oprah?? Geesh!

That's it, I'm just going to get another cat...I can't afford a baby, with OR without a husband. Good lawd!

Stef said...

Happy Birthday Floyd! $400 a week! That's CRAZY!! I'd be broke like a muphucka!

Serena, your friend's parents live in 2 different houses? Why??? The only way I'd do that is if I was marrying for money and didn't care where my husband was so long as he wasn't around me. That's just silly!

Hey, but it seems to work for them, so I can't knock it. But it wouldn't be me. I have to know he's home...ALONE in bed, and if he's not living with me, then who knows what the hell be going on over there. Nah, not having it.

And why would you get married just to live apart? I don't see the point unless you're marrying for another reason other than love - like a green card! LOL!

Not saying you have to be up under each other, but if I had to choose between those two scenarios only, then I'd choose the second one.

Serena W. said...

Stef I have no idea. Remember this is his step mom. Now I've met his mom and she wouldn't put up with the father and living apart (hence why they have been divorced for so many years).

So who knows why, but it's been going on for years (I met my friend in 1998) and they still live a part.

He said it was a part of the agreement they made.

Jay said...

$400 a week is a mortgage!

Stef said...

Well then she just must want to be a kept woman - there is no love there, cuz that's crazy!

And there is nothing wrong with being a kept woman. Hell, I wish someone would KEEP me! Especially if daycare costs $400 a damn week!

Annamaria said...

$400 is actually cheap when you compare with what some people pay. Child care is NOOO freaking joke. I'm dreading calling to price the Day care I want Sophia to go to when I come back to work Full time. Honestly we save money by having me stay home with Sophia.

Brooke said...

That's the highest I've ever heard for daycare. Maybe because it's NY. I think I've heard on average of it being $150-$200 a week in Philly. I may have to move back if I ever get knocked up!

I think I'm gonna have to join Yolanda and not birth any babies. Unless I somehow become a "kept" woman...and that doesn't seem to be my style :-)

Jay said...

Brooke, I'd "keep" you :-)

Yolanda said...

400 a week? WOW.
The "kitchen" is closed fa real!

Anonymous said...

I am back....Wifey would ask me how my day was going...she talked to me about her office gossip, her mother, my mother, what to cook for dinner, did I eat lunch, do I miss her......blah blah blah! It was too much! I know she meant well, but I have a job...hell she has one too! My nickname for baby Brooke is baby BROKE.... I take the O out cause she is taking 0's out of my bank account! 1600 dollars a month is CRAZY!! I am looking for another daycare, it just that this one is so convenient because it is downstairs from my office. I can check on her at anytime plus feed her at lunch. She is my lunch date! I found this spot in Brooklyn, and the lady is charging 250 a week, I may need to look into that!

I thought that we secured daycare with Addy's mom, but she threw us a curveball and left us scrambling for sufficient daycare at the very last moment. I may have to move to Jersey so that my sister can watch the kid everyday for us. I was speaking to a colleague about the daycare prices and he said he needs to stop complaining about paying his daughter's tuition! If anyone wants to start a business, daycare is the way to go!!! Even if you watch 10 kids at 150 to 250 a pop...that is not bad! Think about it...how much of your earned monies will go to overhead costs? These daycares have the parents supply the food, clothes and everything else necessary for the kids. How much are you spending on crayons and water colors a year???


Anonymous said...

I am just a little bitter because of the hefty price tag with this daycare! I have to pay them every dangone Monday!! Check this out though, my wife works from home on Monday's but because the baby goes there 4 days a week it is still considered full time..thus the 1600dollar price tag!


Brooke said...

that's pure f*ckery. I mean, really??? If you have to supply the food, clothing, diapers, etc., what are they doing? Doesn't the baby sleep all the time now anyway? She's not even mobile!

I'm apparently in the wrong business.

Annamaria, you like kids. You should open a daycare and charge less for less kids....so I can bring one to you :) That's IF I have one. Can you imagine if Floyd had twins?? they'd double it!

I am really in the wrong business. But not sure I like babies enough to watch them all day. Maybe you're paying for the person's patience, cuz watching babies all day and making sure they're safe is A LOT of work.

But damn! $1600 a month!!??

yeah, I'm in the wrong business.

Brooke said...

I need to hit the Mega Millions tonight!

The Cable Guy said...

so Brooke...about these aliens that kidnapped you yesterday. What's THAT story??

Brooke said...

mind ya bidness! :)

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