Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Good morning!
I know I wrote a blog about jumpoffs, f*ck buddies and friends with benefits before.
I know this.
But it seems the question of "the rules" keeps coming up between my girlfriends and I on this subject...so I figured I'd revisit the topic to make some things absolutely clear.
Now, I'm not saying I know ALL the rules, or that they're the same for every person - but I think it's safe to assume there are a few standards when it comes to casual sex.
A friend of mine who recently broke up with a guy after a year and a half of dating asked me if and when it's okay to have a jumpoff, and how to go about getting one. Usually, these things "just happen" - but if you have your heart set on finding one, then may I suggest a few things....?
1. First - make sure you're a "jumpoff" type of person. By that I mean you're able to handle a casual sex relationship - no strings attached. Some of us are built that way. Others...not so much. Now normally I wouldn't advise my friends to seek out a f*ck buddy, and I don't think most of my friends are the casual sex types. But I DO think there are times in a person's life where a jumpoff comes in handy. After a breakup (especially a bad one) is one of those times.
Usually after a breakup, you want to be alone mentally, but not physically - and that's okay, so long as you're honest about what it is. But if you're the type to fall quickly, or have post nooky guilt, then maybe you're not emotionally ready to handle a strictly sexual scenario. If you expect your phone to ring after a hookup because you want him to think you're the shiznit, then you're not ready to have or BE a jumpoff. Usually jumpoffs don't care what the other person thinks of them.
2. Pick the right person as your jumpoff. Many times people make the mistake of hooking up with people they actually like. You know...that guy at the gym you've been pining over. Your coworker. That "friend" you've been keeping in your back pocket til you get drunk one day and cross that line.
Don't do it. Either you like the guy or not. And if he's not feeling YOU like that, don't settle for no-strings sex as a consolation prize. You'll just be setting yourself up for heartache later - and you'll play yourself.
Choose someone who you're attracted to enough to have sex with, but who you don't wanna be seen in public with. You know...the dude with all the muscles, but who has no damn sense whatsoever and can't put two sentences together. Or that guy who did a stint in jail for selling drugs. He's cute, but has no job...THAT dude. You know where I'm going with this.
Now I'm not saying he should be a total stranger either. You have to know him a little bit, and you must be safe as well. Hard to get your rocks off if you're fearing for you life. You should know him just enough to be excited to see him, but not enough to the point where you're not equally excited to see him LEAVE...and not call you for a few weeks.
3. Be safe. If you're grown enough to have a jumpoff, you're grown enough to be smart about it. You don't wanna catch anything and you damn sure don't wanna have the jumpoff's baby. Keep condoms handy...men AND women. Jus sayin.
4. Don't catch feelings. Sex is an intimate act, so there's a chance emotions may become involved. If this happens, be honest about it and either 1) cut off contact til you get your head right or 2) be honest about it to your partner and see if he feels the same way. Chances are he doesn't, because how you begin a relationship, especially a sexual one, usually determines how it'll proceed...and ultimately end. But hey, stranger things have happened. I don't personally know any couples who have gone on to live happily ever after after starting off as f*ck buddies - but hey, you never know! Don't get your hopes up though.
It's easy to get caught up in situations like this if you're spending a lot of time shagging your jumpoff. You start wondering what it would be like holding hands and actually going out on dates and whatnot.
Stop it and wake the hell up!
Your ass is probably turned out and you're addicted to the sex and it's got you thinking all kinds of crazy. Take a step back and really examine what's going on. If you still feel like there's potential there for a relationship, then tell him how you feel...delicately. He might be confused since you started off with the understanding that you'd be fine just hittin' it. But if he feels the same way, then see how it goes. Just be careful...and take a chance. You have nothing really to lose, and a lot to gain. Good luck with that.
Did I leave anything out? Let me know!
-b
62 comments:
First BITCHES!
Jumpoffs are a good way to help someone get over a break up. Yeah, we are using it each other...but fuck it.
Let me know when ya'll wake up....lol
I'm sooo gonna tase Ant!
You and Stef can take turns...lol
LMAO... we will.. this was the topic on the radio this morning.. The jumpoff ended up getting preggo & insists the dude was her boyfriend not her jumpoff...it was a HOT MESS
YOUUUUUUU RAAAAANG?????
LOL! Craig is silly :)
And how the hell did BOTH of you beat me! Ant, it's ON!
How do people in this day and age not know what a jumpoff is? Your friend must not be used to dating, cuz ALL of us have either HAD or BEEN the jumpoff...or BOTH! It's just a part of life. People use people for this everyday. It's totally fine, but if you can't handle it, then stop trying to be tough and don't do it. Nothing wrong with not being jumpoff material.
How does one get pregnant by the jumpoff dude? That's just crazy!
Bring Stef!
Not everyone can deal with emotions and sex. They equate good or bad sex to their feelings
99% of women can't deal with a JUMPOFF situation...ESPECIALLY if the sex is TONY THE TIGER...
Ya'll ALWAYS get CARL THOMAS with it...
Why would it not surprise me if Craig actually had frosted flakes during sex...lol
LMAO!!! LN, you right? When Im hittin it from the back...I put my bowl on her back...as I give her subtle back shots (God forbid I spill my frosted flakes) That would just make me go soft (UGH)...
Hit it from the back, as I have the bowl on her back and while I watch PTI...Hey, we all have our fantasies...
Y'all are just trifling! Craig, you ain't right!
I wish a negro WOULD put a bowl of cereal on my back while he's hittin it from the back...AND watching tv?? Oh HELL no!
Uh oh, Craig and Ant are actin up again :)
But I do agree that most women fail miserably when they try to date like a dude. Men can separate emotions and sex much easier than a woman. You all aren't built to have a whole bunch of random men "enter" you. It's not in your DNA. You start to feel guilty, wonder what he thinks of you, think that maybe you shouldn't just be bonin, etc. Men don't think like that for the most part. Some of us have a conscience, but we do it more for release, not attachment. Women, be careful with this one - I'm glad Brooke made that her first rule...cuz honestly, most of you aren't jumpoff types, and when you try to get one, it backfires...and most of you can't handle BEING one.
Look...one thing we learned is that Craig needs to keep his energy up or he gets dick farts...lol
lets just hope is not lactose intolerant..lol
I agree with that Jay. I tried to have a jumpoff and caught feelings once. But I think that's because I wasn't honest with myself about how I felt about him. Like B said in her post, we take sex with no strings as the consolation prize because we want that person around and think we can change his mind later once he see how great we are. That's a hot ass mess right there.
And you're right, most of us can't handle being VIEWED as a jumpoff either. Whether we want to admit it or not, no woman wants to think of herself as just someone's side piece or some ho. We want to be "respectable" hoes. LOL! Can't have it both ways.
LMAO...LN is killin' me...but he's right...Dick Farts aint cool...and thank God I'm not lactose intolerant...
I don't care if two people have signed a JUMP OFF agreement... A woman will find a loophole and still try to pin yo ass down.
Here's the problem ladies...You HAVE to make a choice...If you open your LEGS, close your goddamn MOUTH (Unless..well, you know). You can't try to have sex with a man under certain guidelines then as soon as you open your mouth, strings start flying out...Hence the phrase...NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
And if you wanna' run yo mouth and talk about what you want. Then say it from the get go before you spread your legs...Granted a dude will still probably shake his head in agreement, have sex with you and still not do what was expected but at least you can start a convo by saying..."BUT I TOLD YOU..." or "HOW YOU GONNA JUST..."..."THAT'S FUCKED UP HOW YOU...."..."YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE...."
I AM DYING!!!!!! CRAIG IS HYSTERICAL!
Actually in the situation on the radio it sounded as if the dude needed to be reminded of the definition of a JUMPOFF..
He was staying over 5 times a week & keeping his shit at her house. Went to her mom's house for Thanksgiving & everything...
Then wanted to be like well we wasn't in a serious relationship when she told him that she was preggo... DUDE you did all that & allowed yourself to have unprotected sex...She ain't a jumpoff!
Ewww Ant! Dick farts???
TITLE: BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID....
Me and this girl were friends for a few years...Just cool. We hung out with friends one night at a bar. We both had a few drinks...She was LOOSE with the GOOSE and I was HARD with the BACARD...Somehow, we made it back to her place ...We started messing around...heavy breathing...I paused...
ME: Are you sure about this? I just got out of a relationship and Im not trying to...
GIRL: Hey, hey, hey... relax. Its all good. I just want you right now. Lets not worry about the future.
ME: okay, cuz, you know. We're cool and I really like you and I dont wanna fuck up our friendship over...
GIRL: Okay, seriously...you're drying me up right now...you sound like a woman...I'm not THAT kinda chick...It's all good.. Just relaaaaax....
ME: Uh, oh...Okay...Cool...
Fast forward...It was a GOOD DICK night for me...she called me things during sex I never heard before....I grabbed the headboard and pushed in...
GIRL: DAMN BOY! You're like an ARCHEOLOGIST!
ME: Huh?
GIRL: You're DIGGING ME OUT! INDIANA JONES MY ASS!!!!
ME: Oh...Um, I didn't know Indy was a-
She slaps me in the face...I THRUST harder...
GIRL: OOOOOOOOH FUCK!!!! You're like a MOVING COMPANY?
ME: Wha?
GIRL: You're rearranging the furniture in my stomach...
ME: Ahhh...wow..that was pretty creative...You have a way with wor-
She slaps me again...trying to disrupt me from Cumming....
45 minutes later...(It was a JORDANESQUE night, a DIRK DIGGLER moment)
When I pull out...A STRING was attached to the condom....
ME: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
GIRL: Um, we need to talk about what JUST happened..
ME: (Confused) BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID....
I agree Annamaria. I missed that on the radio this morning, but if you staying over and eating Thanksgiving with the fam, then dude, she's NOT a jumpoff. He just sounds like a trifling deadbeat trying to get out of paying child support. See why I say carry condoms at all times?! Nothing brings clarity like a positive reading after someone pees on a stick. Not cute.
Craig, you's a fool!
And you're right too - men will just about agree to ANYthing a woman says to get in there, only to have selective memory later. Ladies, be careful, cuz a man will be like "why you bringin' up old stuff" when you remind him of your previous conversations :)
LMAO!!! Craig, you have me in TEARS over here! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
That was hysterical! Brooke, you need to have Craig guest blog his stories for you, that was HILARIOUS!
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about, slappin his ass to keep from cumming! Now we're getting into MY type of story!
Women lie to themselves. We think we have the power of the pussy on lock to the point where we can make a man do anything.
And some of us do. I know I do ;)
But be honest with your shit. If you can't handle a strictly sexual relationship, then don't do it. And if you do, make sure you do it with the understanding that there are certain time limits involved. No jumpoff should last more than 6 months. You should barely know his ass. And you should beat him into submission just to be safe.
Spank him. Slap him. HARD!
That is all.
Hey a sistah can admit loud n clear "I'M CAN'T BE A JUMPOFF, NOT JUMPOFF MATERIAL" only if the d*ck is off the charts, if the d*ck is whack then of course I can walk away and be like "On to the next one!. But personally I can't handle being a jumpoff, feelings was hurt in the past been there done that. I am looking for stablity and security among other things in a man.
@Craig n 'em you are a nut..LMAO
Disclaimer:
Please forgive typos in my last comment. STILL NOT JUMPOFF MATERIAL just saying loud n clear.
QUESTION:
It's safe to have a jumpoff in your head using toys, I mean it's not like I can get my feelings hurt because it's all in my imagination????? LOL
Yes ARRelle...You can EYE/MIND RAPE whom ever you please...
Personally, I don't see why a woman would want a jumpoff, or BE one. Get a toy. All that other stuff is just you compensating for something else - what you're missing and wish you had. There's no need to demean yourself. Don't be anyone's play thing, and don't use anyone else.
Penn, do you believe in fuck buddies?
And Latinegro gives Craig the TAG! He enters the ring...
Are you saying you NEVER had a JUMPOFF situation Ms. Penn?
Yes, I can say I've never been in a jumpoff situation. I need to know the person I'm laying down with, which means we talk, we date, we get to know each other. I've never just slept with someone just to satisfy a physical need. I have toys for that. I can't deal with the aftermath, and I agree with Jay that women aren't built that way.
I think it means alot to have a man enter that personal space. You LITERALLY have to allow someone inside of you. So to allow someone to do that for their own gratification, or even for her's, seems demeaning to me. I don't know if it's my religious beliefs or not, but your body should be more sacred than that.
Call me a prude, or whatever, but my beliefs are my beliefs. I've never had a one night stand, or been anyone's fuck buddy or anything else. All the men I've slept with I've been in relationships with, and I think that's how it should be.
I can respect that Ms. Penn. More women should take that approach, your body IS sacred.
I won't talk about anyone's religious beliefs, but not all women who have partners strictly for sex are demeaning themselves. If you have indiscriminate sex with 50 dudes in a week, maybe you are. But most people I know who have a fuck buddy only have ONE. It's the person you turn to when you want to feel a MAN, not a toy.
Like Brooke said in her post, sometimes you may want someone physically, but not mentally or emotionally. Should you deny yourself the physical simply because you're not in a committed relationship with that person? I don't think sex and love go hand in hand, and having sex with no love isn't demeaning to me at all.
Well, TECHNICALLY SPEAKING...if you have sex with someone (regardless of how much time is put in)...When you are done..You do have to JUMP...OFF...;-/
I agree with Dominatrix. A fuck buddy is SINGULAR not plural. If your head isn't where you need it to be for a relationship it's better to say that then to lead someone on. And sometimes a toy isn't enough. Sometimes you may need a pulse..LOL
Question: Do you think FB/Jumpoff's ever get upgraded to mate status???
Anything is possible, AnaJolia...If I were a betting man, I wouldn't put money on it but crazier things in this world has happened.
@Craig, you're hilarious! :) Yes, I guess you do have to "jump off" at some point :)
But I can't say that I know anyone who has been upgraded to mate status after being a fuck buddy or jumpoff. I have one friend who wound up in a relationship with a guy she had sex with on her first date, but I think they discussed a relationship ON that date :)
Again, I'm sure what I said may not ride with everyone, but that's how I feel. I think women are fooling themselves when they think they can handle a situation like that for any amount of time. Like Craig even said, a woman will find a loophole to justify what she did. Why not just NOT do it and you won't have to worry about trying to attach any strings. My toy can give me the same orgasm a pulse can. An even BETTER one.
NOW MS. PENN, YOU STOP RIGHT THERE!!!! What the hell you tryin' to do???? Put me outta' business???!!! A toy CANNOT give a better ORGASM than me!!!
Can a toy tell you how good you feel? Can a toy smack yo ass? Can a toy choke you??? (Gently, of course).. Can a TOY rub, suck and move at the SAME DAMN TIME????? ....Can a TOY get up and get you a glass of water after a SESSION??? No...so I respectfully disagree with you on that one...Don't go spreading false rumors...
I NEVER EVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT I GOTTA AGREE WITH CRAIG!!!
LOL! Craig, here's the thing.
Do jumpoffs tell you how good you feel? Do they get up and get you water? Most likely NO.
Now, as for the orgasm part, some toys can do ALOT :) And I don't need my toys to choke me...gently of course :) Maybe YOU are the exception, but MOST men can't do all that you mentioned. Not even HALF of that! :)
Damn Penn...i think u been hanging around the wrong guys... just sayin
I think we're confusing it a bit. A man can do all those things for you...if he CARES. Most jumpoffs don't do all that stuff. Of course a woman would prefer a man over a toy. But not all women would prefer a man who's just as lifeless. Just because a man has a pulse doesn't mean he's giving you affection. Jumpoffs usually don't kiss you, or caress you or get up and get you a damn glass of water. The blog was about jumpoffs, not men who actually CARE how you feel.
There's nothing in my JumpOFF rule book that says you have to be an ASSHOLE...you can tell a woman she feels good, you can get her a glass of water...Its about the common understanding between the two individuals...And yes, I multi-task when Im sexing...
I am a JUMPOFF GENTLEMAN!
These are the words that I MANIFEST...I MANIFEST...(R.I.P. GURU)
@Latinegro,
I've actually been around GREAT guys who CAN do all of those things. I've been and am in a great relationship with a man who satisfies me completely and no toy could ever take his place.
But I think we have that connection because we are in a relationship and care about each other, not because he's better than a toy. It's easier to be sexually free with someone you love and trust, and who you feel cares about you. Jumpoffs are using you for sex, that's it. And I can't fully explore my sexuality with someone who is just using me, or who I'd be using.
I've had great sex, but with men I've been in relationships with, that's all.
I know, so sad about Guru :(
And Dorothy Height.
RIP.
RIP Guru :(
FYI...HAPPY 420!!!
"happy 420"?
for the weed smokers out there...today is a national weed celebration...420...4-20-2010....
Every year this day...
There's a WEED DAY??? LMAO!!!
You know what, I can actually respect Ms. Penn's stance. I don't totally agree with it, but at least she has some self respect and is sticking to her guns. She can't say some dude broke her heart or played her cuz she was a jumpoff. I respect that.
BUT
There is a time and a place for everything, and sometimes a jumpoff is all you have time for. Your hand doesn't always feel as good as a nice soft ass to rub up on, so I get the need to have a pulse. You just take a chance and deal with all that other shit another time :)
Stef...how do u not know this?
Um, maybe because I don't smoke WEED Ant! LOL!
U sure? Because it think you smoke something...lol ;)
um...I don't either by the way
I can respect Ms. Penn's position as well. At least she's honest with herself. A lot of women go around lying to themselves about what they want in order to make up for feeling lonely. The MAJORITY of women are not jumpoff material, so at least she's real about what it is.
@Ant,
Don't make me have to cut yo ass! It's bad enough Cable Guy is gonna get it, now YOU too!!??
Well, now I know what day Weed Day is :)
so violent...maybe u do need weed...lol
Maybe I do since you keep messing with me! Don't get f*cked up!
See, this is why I'm manless.
Because women have allowed this jumpoff isht to go on, so now every man just thinks he can randomly approach women on some ole "we don't have to be committed, let's just hump" type lines.
*SMH*
And, I suck at locking my feelings away, so I am no good at this "just having sex and no attachments" thing.
I totally agree Yolanda. Women allow this mess and cheapen themselves. How is that cool? If women didn't go for this, then men would have no choice but to step it up a bit. But when they know they have a jumpoff or fuck buddy available, why would they need to expect more...from women AND from themselves?
Where is Fury??
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