Friday, July 10, 2009

If You're Gonna Cheat...


I was supposed to have a guest blogger today, but that didn’t work out, so I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. I wrote this this with me!

I know I said I wasn’t going to touch the Steve McNair story…I know this. But as the details emerge regarding this murder/suicide, I feel I can take a different approach in addressing this tragedy.

First let me say, as I’ve said before, NO ONE deserves to be murdered. No matter what sins we may or may not have committed, no one deserves what happened to him. And it’s sad that Ms. Kazemi felt the need to take her own life as well. This is a sad story of desperation, emotional instability and tragedy.

I’ve heard so many women say that if he hadn’t been cheating on his wife, none of this would have happened. Maybe…but we don’t know for sure what type of marriage he was in. His wife claims to have not known about the relationship, and all we can do is take her at her word. None of us knows what was really going down between any of them.

That being said - for the sake of this post - let’s just call a spade a spade. He was involved with a woman other than his wife. Maybe he and his wife had an open relationship, maybe not. Maybe they had some sort of “arrangement.” Men and women cheat, they both do it…and for various reasons. I will not condone or justify cheating; I will just acknowledge that it happens.

Today, this post is for the men. I will write a post directed to the women at a later date, but I felt the need to address the men today in keeping it timely with the McNair story. So men, let me break it down for you should you decide to cheat.

1. If you’re going to cheat, do it with a SANE woman. Clearly Ms. Kazemi wasn’t the most emotionally stable woman on the planet. Her friends described her as “spiraling out of control.” It appears to be a case of “if I can’t have him, no one will.” Again, all speculation still, but this is what it looks like. That cool 20 year-old chick who is giving you all the attention in the world and making you feel all special just might turn out to be your next stalker. She is the one who will call your real girlfriend/wife just to get back at you, show up at your job and tell all your coworkers what an asshole you are, and/or mutilate you. I’m not making light of any situation, but all of this is very possible if you’re dealing with a crazy chick.

2. The hook-up girl may play it cool for a while, but trust me…she wants to be wifey. She’ll tell you she’s cool just having casual sex when she isn’t, just so you won’t bounce on her ass. Pay close attention to her, because if you don’t, she’ll work to secretly sabotage your real relationship if she can.

3. The more you go back for more, the greater the risk you’ll get caught. If she’s got that ill na na, beware…it’ll be your downfall.

4. The crazy chick will lie to you about being on the pill and actually allow herself to get pregnant. Jus sayin’.

5. McNair rented a condo he shared with a friend and allegedly used it as a place to bring his jump-offs. Never bring the side-piece to your REAL residence, whether you share it with your girlfriend/wife or not. Neighbors watch you and they WILL tell on you.

6. If you think you’re being careful and that you’ll never get caught, think again. Girlfriends/wives can see text messages from other women from a mile away. It’s female radar, and we sense it as soon as that text hits your inbox. Don’t doubt me, just accept it as documented fact. On that same note…

7. There are hundreds of signs that you may exhibit that tell your girl that you are cheating that you are unaware of. I could name them, but we’d be here all day and this post is already getting REALLY long. Let’s just say you don't realize it, but you are guilty of most of them.

8. Keep your story straight. Girlfriends/wives are often very methodical and like a criminal defense attorney - they will rip apart your story and try to exploit each gap they find. Chances are, she’s smarter than you are and you will fail at this. Lying your way out of getting caught won’t work…trust me on that.

9. If a girlfriend/wife sees a strange number in your phone (cuz they WILL look cuz they’re already onto your ass) they WILL call it. And the crazy chick will answer and tell her everything. This goes for 800 and 900 numbers too…they don’t care. That number WILL get dialed.

10. Motivated women WILL try to catch you…and will most likely succeed. They will hire private investigators if need be just to get the proof. That gut instinct we’re all born with never seems to be enough.

11. If your girlfriend/wife forgives you and takes you back, trust that her friends and family already know what you did and have a longer memory than she does. No matter how much your boo forgives you, her friends and family will ALWAYS hate you.

12. Oh…and she will seek support from YOUR friends and family too…and they will take her side. They will resent YOU, not her.

13. Chances are your girlfriend/wife WILL cheat on you in retaliation. You’ll never know about it and she and her girls will share many a giggle at your expense. Oh, and the dude she gets back at you with will probably be WAY hotter than you and will most likely either be a guy you hate…or worse - your best friend.

14. Oh…and for the record, if your best friend is a “good guy,” he probably told her what you did and secretly wanted your woman all along :-) or...

15. If your girlfriend/wife has had a "secret crush" on your best friend, now is the time she will "befriend him." You will lose both her and your friend. They will be happier without you.

16. Your girlfriend/wife will try harder than anything to forget what you did. She will not. It will always hurt.

17. If you are going to try and come clean and fix things with your girl, expect that she will ask for all the sordid details. She will likely get even more hurt and pissed off when you describe what you and the other babe did - but if you lie, she will know it and get hurt worse. More importantly, whatever you did with her, your girlfriend/wife will probably refuse to do with you – ever again! It's too "painful" to even think about, much less perform.

18. Trying to date two women costs three times as much. You better have McNair money if you’re gonna go there.

19. If you want to fix things with your girlfriend/wife, she may forgive you, but the relationship will change. She will always have trust issues with you from that moment on, no way around it.

20. If your girlfriend chooses NOT to forgive you and it looks as if she has moved on...she has - and you should do the same. Don't go crazy and stab someone just because you got caught. After all, you’ll be mad cuz…

21. Your ex-girl/ex-wife will "date up" after you – especially since she’ll realize this will hurt you the most. Maybe your boss, or one of your richer, more successful boys…or enemies. (You don’t get a brotha back like that)

22. If you share a child together, you will pay child support out the ass and she will spend it on anything and anyone she wants to. (see "the new boyfriend" in #21)

23. Last but not least, girlfriends/wives will "scratch" up your prized car/motorcycle, or destroy your things or throw them out. Think Angela Bassett in “Waiting to Exhale.” Hopefully you won’t come home to all your sh*t being burned up in your ride in the driveway. Again…just sayin.

That's 5...count 'em...FIVE...pick axes. Ouch!



Grownblknfocused said...

There's too many rules on this if you're going to cheat. Bottom line, if you're going to have an affair, get the divorce first. Bottom line! Coming from a guy.

Anonymous said...

Damn after that list there are so brothers rethinking cheating....

I hope.....

Anonymous said...

meant to say "some"

annamaria said...

Bottom line for both sexes. Don't cheat! You lose more than u gain no matter what!

Grownblknfocused said...

FYI - the reason why this story was blown through media because of McNair's status. He was an NFL player, professional athelete. He will Cheat. For the most part, that's what they do. If you don't believe me, of all the marriages of professional atheletes, 80% of marriages end after their career end? Trophy wives don't want to be trophy wives no more once those signing bonuses stop rolling in.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Brooke...please list the "first" rules in your intro. Steve is a guy and you know good and well he should have said..."First bitches" followed by a Tase from Annemarie... that's just what we do.

Here is the Golden Rule of cheating. Cheat with someone who has as much to lose as you do. Point Blank..end of story!

Grownblknfocused said...

True that Pretty Ricky, I'm an NFL player, why would I waste my time with some Dave & Buster's broad?

Anonymous said...

Why enter into a marriage or any other committed relationship if you know you want to be with other women? It is so much simpler to let women know up front that you're not into committing, and therefore, you are free to have as many woman as you like on a rotating basis. A man can be an eternal bachelor/playboy. So in that regard, it's not cheating. Then it's up to the woman to make that decision as to whether she wants to be someone's "play thing." She can take it or leave it.

Brooke said...

Steve, you're supposed to say "First Bitches!" :-)

I'm blogging from my phone and will chime in from time to time, getting my hair did!

Grownblknfocused said...

First, Fifth, Seventh and now Tenth Bitches!

Rameer said...

Say hello to the bad guy...

I almost shouldn't comment, cuz I'mma be away from the computer most of the day due to shoots I have to do. But I think some of your rules are BALDERDASH. I mean, really - some are MIGHTY presumptuous.

Let me admit - I'm not a cheater or a player. I'm very honest, straight up, and not in the business of looking for "sidepieces". I stopped lying as a rule around my senior year in college. I mean, everyone does it once in a while - and I've done it to protect people in really serious situations. But I'd say 98% of the time, I won't lie about squat, no matter the effect.

Now, on to addressing these "rules".

Some of them, I can't comment on cuz like I said - I don't cheat. But I know people who have/do cheat, and I know some of these rules wouldn't apply to them in the least bit, or me if I magically decided to be a cheater! And some just make no sense to me. Examples:

Rule #1: Choose a sane woman? Really? Not to offend y'all, but I've always been told by the older gods that ALL women are crazy if you push them. How crazy, you'll never know 'til you push them.

I know plenty of women who we thought were well-together mentally, and snapped/went coo-coo for cocoa puffs. Many dudes never saw it coming. and it's not that there were obvious signs. Hell, I know one in my past off the top of the dome who acted like life ended when we stopped having sex - we were never together! To that point, no one would ever call her crazy.

Many people you just can't tell. Sorry, but true. I'd go as far as to say with women, most contributing members of society will never be known to be as crazy as they can be until a situation occurs...and by that time, it's too late...

RULE #4 - if you don't know that as an adult male on this blog, kill yourself.

RULES #6 & #9 - My girl would be assed out. My phone locks automatically after a short time, and I NEVER just leave it sitting. It's ALWAYS with me, unless I'm in the shower - and then, it's LOCKED. I don't give ANYONE the passcode, and it's not easy to figure out. And I don't LET anyone demand to see anything in my phone. If you're that insecure, we're not together - even if I was a cheater, I would've established long before the cheating not to be demanding any access to MY cell phone.

RULE #8 - women are better at this than men. But I know plenty of men whose stories are so airtight Johnnie Cochran couldn't break through them. Let's not think men ain't nice with it - if McNair was so public with his girl and his wife REALLY didn't know, obviously he was nice with the lie game.

Rule #12 - I NEVER allow any girl to bond with my family or boys. Some women will try to ingratiate themselves into YOUR circle, and stick around after y'all are done. Nah, those are MY people - you don't call them up or see them without me and my okay. This would NEVER apply. My brother used to make this mistake. I NEVER have.

Rules #13, 14, 15 - Nah son, NAH! You ain't EVER toadying up to MY best friends. Only if we gettin' married are you ever gonna be THAT cool with them.

Rule #18 - Cost? must know some trick-a$$ dudes. To quote a Dolemite movie: "I'm Joe Blow, THEE Lover-man. YOU should be payin' ME..."

Rule #21 - once we're done, I could care less if you bang my most hated enemy and put it on a video billboard. I got you!

Rule #23 - I've seen this happen This is ridiculous, and it's the reason that me and many dudes I know KEEP us a chick around who will beat another woman's a$$ "just because". You don't touch my stuff...and since I can't touch "Bonequiesha".

Just my response...some of these rules just seemed insane to me. And I'd say most don't apply to the guys I know who ARE cheaters.

Brooke said...

Rameer, as usual, you never fail to entertain me. However, as perfect as you and your boys are, just because my "rules" don't apply to you and your crew doesn't mean that they're "balderdash" or don't apply to someone.

I think it should go without saying that the majority of my blogs like this that list "rules" are told from MY perspective only and are meant to be funny. Maybe this post failed in that respect but I tried to take a serious topic and add a bit of humor to it. Clearly not all dudes are as wonderful as you are, so this post was directed at the otherwise non-enlightened :-)

Rameer said...

LMBAO...touche', Meryl.

But I don't think me and my boys are perfect. I think a lot of these rules don't even apply to half of the men I KNOW...close friends or not. Maybe I was strong in saying it was "balderdash", but I still think these rules are pretty out of wack. And I tend to think most of your assessments are pretty on-point. Just not these, I guess.

But it's your blog...your perspective.

Annamaria said...

Oh and Steve will just get shanked today since he didn't address the blog properly as first.... I will reserve the taser for those who act accordingly.

Brooke said...

I don't think someone is properly introduced on this blog unless they're getting tased or shanked first.

And I'm gonna start calling Pretty Ricky "The Mayor." :-)

By the way, they're playing Maxwell in the salon, love it!

Tony said...

Brooke, my favorite cousin, I love you to death and I admire you in everyway but you are wrong on this one. I cannot and will not confirm nor deny my cheating habits now or in the past but your "rules" are way WAY off! Give the Brothas some credit....DAMN!

Brooke said...

Tony, these aren't "rules"- just possible scenarios! Not saying all apply to everyman - these same things could also be said for women :-)

Just tryna make some jokes - guess I'm not funny today :-(

Tony said...

Actually I was joking with you theories on this subject are much too much to list here but I will say that there are many faces to cheating and it happens a LOT on the female side. Regarding McNair, I believe he and his wife had an open marriage and now she is denying everything to save face.

Annamaria said...

I agree. I think Mc Nair's wife knew EXACTLY what was going on the whole time but is trying to save face & is now denying it & trying to pretend she had NO clue. She didn't notice him not coming home & having an apartment across town he used to stay at?? A little suspect!

Brooke said...

I was hesitant to blog about the McNair thing because it seems there are many sides to it. This subject is never always black and white, but definitely makes you think about some thangs!

I'm sure this a topic we could talk about for DAYS!

Anthony Otero said...

Let me start off by saying that I KNEW Rameer was going to say that all women are crazy...and to be honest (and i love women to death)I would have said it if he didnt.

Most of these rules seem to be on the extreme end but there some rules that are dead on. I dont think that all women would fuck a friend...but they will at least blow an enemy. Most guys know that your woman giving head to another guy u dont like is one hell of a way to get a brotha back.

In defense of some men, sometimes things happen and you may end up in love with the other woman. They may not even want to end their marriage bacuase they do not know how the hell they got into the situation in the first place.

I will say, however, women need to know the kind of man he is before you marry him. All men have the ability to cheat, but when all of a sudden the sex stops in a need to beware.

Tony said...


Anonymous said...

Rameer, I have to agree with you on one point you made. There are no sane women. We can flip out on a dime if pushed to do so. ( Yeah ,I know , all of you positive females may think to yourself oh no I would never...Yes you too Mami, you will flip out on a dime if pushed to the limit.All in all, if you still need to sow your oats stay single and freak off all you want. Just don't hurt anyone in the process.It's all fun and games, hot and sexy... until it happens to you.

Rameer said...

Any - hey, at least I'm consistent! LMAO...but I agree with everything you said.

Stephanie - even MY MOM won't argue THAT point. It's all about how far you push a woman...which is why she always used to tell me "don't be pushing them females to the limit! (You'll) Come back with a Fatal Attraction!"

I'm a mama's boy...I take all her serious warnings to heart!

Brooke said...

EVERYONE has a limit - and if anyone is pushed to that limit - they'll flip out - man or woman.

Tony, I see you cosigning!

Let me find out...

MochaSwissMrs said...

I dont agree with many of the rules as far as "what a woman would do" Because I myself have not-and will not act crazy if my husband stepped out on me.
I would just simply decided if I want to stay and work it out-or leave with our children. There will be no acting crazy, cutting flesh, burning clothes, or messing up vehicles that I partially own/drive. I think this type of behavior from women should only show up if your 20yrs old and below-a grown woman should know better-just my opinion.

Leave him and do better-there are men who do not cheat-You can find them if you act right.

Brooke said...

MochaSwissMrs, I totally agree. These scenarios I listed were in direct response to the McNair story, because a 20-year-old emotionally unstable woman felt this was the only option she had. That's why I started with "make sure she's sane."

I listed these scenarios to show the extreme cases of women out there, as in the case of McNair and Kazemi. I don't think most women are this way, and I certainly don't consider myself or most women I know to be this extreme. This was simply to let men know that this is what COULD happen if you decide to stray and not think it thru.

Most people I know who have been in infidelity situations have not been involved in ANY of the scenarios I listed - these weren't rules - so I was just trying to tie possibles into the McNair story. But I've also known many women who have behaved in the ways I've listed, and so men beware, cuz they ARE out there :)

I agree...there is nothing a man can do to me to make me act a fool. I simply don't have it in me. Nothing is worth my peace of mind and I've never been that woman who checks phones, follows up behind men, etc. I believe good behavior is rewarded and living a happy life is all the revenge you need.

Anonymous said...

Hi. i've never posted here but came across your blog in a google search. Hope you don't mind me commenting as a formerly married man who cheated.

Married men cheat. Not all but enough that it is a serious problem. I know I was wrong but I was also immature and not ready to be married. I make no excuses at all. The thing is, I would never have been able to cheat if there weren't so many women available to cheat with. I'm not blaming women, but when I look back on it, there were always signs that I was a cheater. Sometimes, women accept it because they perceive a shortage of men, so they ignore the signs. I think women can take more responsibility for their feelings and bad experiences if they truly pay attention so that way, crazy things like what happened to McNair won't become frequent occurrences. I'm actually working on a book to give women tips on how to tell if they are dating a married man. That's how I found this blog, doing a search on cheating oddly enough.

Anyway, some of the flags:
Most of your communication is via text, email, or IM. If you do reach him on the phone, it's almost never during prime afterwork hours. Just during the day. If you are texting him during these prime hours (8-11pm), try calling him and see if he answers. He says he is separated or getting divorced. No he isn't but he knows you wont deal with him if he doesn't give you this assurance. If a man says he is divorced, ask to see the divorce decree. If he is separated, ask him if his soon-to-be-ex-wife can verify this for you. Sounds drastic, but you're looking for his response, not actually looking to speak to her. You almost never see him on weekends unless it is extremely late at night. If you do, he's probably told his wife he is going out with his boys. You mostly see him during afterwork hours, and he's told his wife he is working late. You've never been to his house. He tells you he is staying with family or friends and you can't come over. He wants to come to your house or get a hotel. You never meet any of his friends or family. He is always around yours. If he has kids, he blames his unavailability on his children 99% of the time. You want to do special trips or spend holidays or his birthday and he is never available. He might see you the day before or after, but never on the day itself. He avoids taking pictures with you. He won't take you anywhere near where he lives or where his wife hangs out. There are tons of others but you get the point lol

I hope you don't mind an old guy like me checking in on your blog from time to time lol. You have great topics and these responses have inspired me in my own writing. Keep up the good work.


Brooke said...

James, thank you so much for responding. I agree with all of the flags that you've listed here, and I thank you for your candor.

I've seen these signs and have been involved in these situations, and it never ends well. I agree, women need to take more responsibility for their own happiness and emotional well being. Hard lessons to learn, but lessons nonetheless. I'm STILL learning, and all we can hope for is one day is actually sinks in and we finally "get it." One day we'll do right...and when you know better you're supposed to do better. All we can hope for.

Thank you again for your post and I hope you chime in again sometime!

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