Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Happy Hump Day!

Okay, so I need my Brookey Cafe bloggers to help settle a dispute for me. I know you'll all be fair and unbiased....and will see that I'm right :-)

So...last night I was catching up with an old friend who told me that she just met this great new guy. He's funny, makes her laugh all day long, they have everything in common and they never, ever argue. They've been dating for 3 months.

"I can see us being together forever cuz we never disagree on anything...we never fight."

So I say to her, "well, it's only been 3 months...and that's a long way from forever."

She told me I was a hater and that love can last and be healthy without ever fighting.

Yeah, and I'm the Queen of f*cking Sheba.

"Ask your bloggers what they think, because they will tell you what a hater you're being, " she says to me.

Girl, you ain't said nuttin but a word!

I explain to her that while I may have taken the wind out of her sails, I was not hating on her and her new love. It's just that, in my opinion, it's unrealistic to say that you can be with someone forever and never have a disagreement. Unless dude is a punk. Yeah, I said it.

Okay, maybe I didn't say that to her...but I'm saying it now :-)

I'm not saying her man is a punk, but you can't tell me that those two will neva eva get on each other's, EVER. It's impossible. And if a man (or woman) only agrees with everything you say just to appease you, then that person is a punk...plain and simple. And trust me, that ish will get old REAL quick.

Personally, I think it's rather healthy to have a little spat every once in a while. I'm not talking about all out brawls where you verbally slaughter each other. I believe in fighting fair and being respectful, even when you secretly wanna choke the sh*t out of someone for getting on your last nerve. Kind words should always be spoken in a disagreement, no matter how heated the discussion gets. One friend told me that during an argument once, a dude said "fuck you!" to her.

**Now, let me just say for the record that if a man EVER says those two words to me in a sentence that doesn't include "I want to..." in the beginning of it, he will become Black History quick fast in a hurry.**

Now...back to the blog.

I can disagree with someone I care deeply for without being an asshole. I can disagree with you while still respecting your opinion. I will never disrespect you or call you names. I won't throw personal things you've told me in your face or use them against you. I won't push buttons just to be mean and spiteful, and I won't talk about your mama.

If I feel the debate is getting out of hand, I'll try to shut it down, agree to disagree, be quiet (cuz I know I got a slick mouf) or I'll try to diffuse the situation with a hug, a kiss or a smiley face. It's hard for me to stay mad at the people I care about anyway, because it actually affects me physically. I get a migraine, I can't sleep and I literally feel sick to my stomach. If my sister and I get into an argument, we have to make up within 5-10 minutes - and going to bed angry at each other is NOT an option...for us anyway.

Now, that's sisterly love...and I recognize that that's a lot different than being mad at your sweetie. He or she can work your nerves to the point where you may be able to stay angry at each other for DAYS. I don't advise that...but it can happen - trust me, I know.

But I think the types of arguments that last for days are indicative of something else - namely letting little annoyances snowball into bigger grievances. That's why little arguments here and there can help. Getting out all your little "grrrrs" now will keep them from becoming roars later.

But let me say this...if you're going to really argue, argue over things that matter. Otherwise, just let the rest go. Pick your battles and let each other off the hook sometimes. Once or twice a week, let him "win" the argument...even if he's an idiot :-) Or at least let him think he won. Men, let her have the last word sometimes. It won't kill you :-)

You hate when she leaves her panties soaking in the sink? Yes... gross...but don't "FIGHT" fight over it.

He chews like a cow with his mouth open all the time? Yes, annoying as hell. But you'll live.

Arguments will happen, no doubt. But so what? What truly matters is his or her heart, spirit and soul. Is he or she genuinely a good person who has your best interest at heart? Do they make you feel happy the majority of the time? Do they lift you up rather than bring you down? Do they respect you and your feelings? Do you truly love him or her?

If the answers to those questions are yes, then your relationship will survive a little fight. If it doesn't, it's not much of a relationship anyway.

You tell me...did I "win' this one? LOL!!




Anthony Otero said...

Forst Bitches!!!!

Anthony Otero said...

ha haha....first too...

Brooke said...

Awww shucks! It's been a lil minute since you were first :)

Anthony Otero said...

if she has not fought with this dude in 3 months and think everything is blissful then she is in for a rude awakening. They just havent broken the seal yet. Once you have that first fight then the flood gates open...and i am willing to bet the first fight will be about something so fucking

NightFall914 said...

She loses points just for using the word "hater"

As for her "never argue" stance, that b.s.Put two humans in a close space for a long enough time and no matter what the relationship they will argue at one point or another.

Relationships are defined by how you handle those tough moments.It's easy to maintain when things are all peaches and cream.

THATgirl said...

You win this one.

I just hope she doesn't fall to pieces when they have their first argument--because it has to happen. At 3 months, they probably havn't experienced anything argument worthy. People have to argue--it means they have different opinions, and that's good. Even if I'm right, when a person agrees with EVERYTHING I say, it starts to piss me off, and I'll start to question their motives and/or listening skills. You don't have to FIGHT to disagree, but if you never disagree with me on anything, I'm gonna think you are a dumbass that can't come up with your own ideas.

Brooke said...

thank you thank you thank you!

They're in the honeymoon stage right now. It's all lovely, easy breezy. At three months, there's nothing to argue about.

And I agree, you don't have to fight to disagree. You don't have to yell and scream and throw a tantrum. But to agree on EVERYTHING....ALL THE TIME? Come on now...really?

I understand having alot in common and sharing similar views on core values. That makes sense to me. But you can't possibly think the exact same way on EVERY issue simply because, if nothing else, one of you is male and the other female. It's just not possible.

I'm not saying her relationship won't last and I'm happy she's in love, but all I was saying is that the honeymood won't last forever, and as NightFall said, it's how you handle the tough times that you thru to the best times.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Hmmmm... this one is kinda tricky for me. Me and far have yet to have a disagreement... and we're moving towards a year! Granted it's a long distance relationship so when we see each other... we probably trying to make the most of those moments.

But I need further clarification on your conversation. Was the premise that they'll never disagree or that they'll never argue? And define argue. Because here's the thing... I very rarely raise my voice. I may disagree, but if I can't do it without raising my voice... I need to take a minute.(Actually, there was one girl who made me raise my voice all the time, which meant I was literally ready to choke the shyt outta her! But that meant she wasn't for me because she made me come outta character. no matter how good the Vajajay was!)

So can you clarify that for me Brookey.

Brooke said...

Sure Pretty Ricky :)

The woman I was speaking to said that they never disagree on anything. She said that she could see them being together and never disagreeing...ever.

That was the part I didn't get. A spat doesn't mean yelling or screaming. Someone can urk the sh*t out of you without you yelling at each other.

I'm actually the type of person who will disappear on you before I actually YELL at you. I don't like to fight and argue either. I rarely do, and it takes ALOT to make me get out of myself to the point where I'll actually raise my voice. But, as a woman who has her own opinions and who has no problem voicing those opinions, I find that I get into disagreements with people all the time...not just in relationships, but even just on this blog.

But arguing and disgreeing are two totally different things, and she said they'd never DISAGREE. And that's the part that didn't make any sense to me.

I've been in relationships too where I never argued with the guy. At one point, I began to wonder what was wrong with us as the year mark approached and we still hadn't had a fight.

BUT, we DID disagree on things. We just never FOUGHT about them. So I see where you and Gina are coming from. Long distance relationships allow you to make the most of the time you spend together and fighting would not be a good use of your time.

But let y'all live under the same roof. You may not fight still, but you'll definitely work each other's nerves at one point. You just tell the person to get out your face until you calm down, that's all :)

Annamaria said...

OOOOOOOOOOO 3 whole months and they don't disagree on anything.. Call in the wedding planners... Not HATING at all. but either they are still in the honeymoon phase (as they should be) OR this is the most BORING couple on the face of the planet. If you are fighting like cats & dogs after only 3 months then yes I would say something is not right. BUT to say you never disagree & think you never will is delusional!!! lol

I for one RESPECT the fact that Austin (my booboo...Inside joke between him & I) can disagree. I know for a FACT that I annoy the hell out of him sometimes. And he annoys the hell out of me.. I LOVE HIM A MILLION TIMES MORE cause of it.... and I wouldn't change a thing...
OH and the added bonus that this chick is missing out on.. When you disagree.. You get to make up.. and that is the MOST FUN part... :)

SUpreme said...

I'll put it bluntly -

She's in La La Land right now, and if she TRULY believes that she and that guy will never argue at all over anything, she's an f'n IDIOT.

Everyone argues about something, whether it be a minor or major argument. Ask her this - does she love this guy as much as she loves her parents/family? When she says no, point out that she loves her parents/family to death - but they've argued before, right?


Brooke said...

Rameer is using his alias - SUpreme :-) LOL!!

By the way Rameer, I love your insights on the Witches Brew roundtables :)

Rameer said...

Thanks, Meryl!

And you ain't s'posed to spill the beans on the alias, woman! Snitches get stitches! Lolz...well, not in your case.

Brooke said...

yes, but you called me Meryl, so you told on yourself :) LOL!!

Serena W. said...

Remember the scene from Coming to America and Eddie asked the lady what does she like??? And she responds, "Whatever you like!" Who wants a man or woman that has no opinion of their own and will agree with everything you have to say?

I don't want an absent minded man with no back bone. We can disagree and do it in such a way as Pretty Ricky described (not raise voices).

Brooke you won this one! They are in the honeymoon phase (which is cool). But can we be realistic??? You will disagree and if you don't and he responds, "I like whatever you like." Then run!

DMoe said...

Brooke made a good point about healthy arguing.

If you disagree, do so respectfully. If you can't, thats a whole other conversation. More than being "right" - I prefer to be "understood"...I dont need to be right about certain things. However, it should be said here that if two people are fighting their own internal battles, the swords will fly no matter how cool the other person is.

Moreover, we should NEVER argue/debate about anything you know "deep down" is actually being stated correctly.

Now THAT is a blog topic. People fight and defend BS behavior cuz they don't wanna look bad to the other person, only to discover the BS behavior, mixed with defending such foolishness is even worse.

Nice job Brooke. As for the honeymooner, she needs to face reality. Everything's good when it starts...As well it should be.


Brooke said...

Arguing just so you can be "right" is something else altogether. You're right, arguing to defend non-sense that YOU don't even believe YOURSELF is a different blog topic. Cuz the real person you have a battle with is yourself, not the other person. That falls under the category of not arguing over things that actually matter.

I would never suggest to the woman I was talking to find little things to argue about. I don't advocate arguing. But a healthy debate never hurt anyone :) so long as it's done respectfully. I think she thought I was encouraging bad behavior, when all I was saying is that it's okay, and norma, to disagree sometimes. I think she felt that disagreeing meant arguing, or that if you disagree on something, you can't effectively get along with someone. I've disagreed on major subjects with people who mean the most to me, and what I find is that in the end, I still respect their opinions and I sometimes learn a thing or two after a good debate, even if I don't change my point of view. I want someone to challenge my thoughts sometimes and make me see different view points, even if ultimately mine stays the same. Keeps you on your toes!

The Cable Guy said...

You won this one, hands down.

I mean, has she ever been in a relationship before this one? Who actually believes in their right mind that they'll never have a disagreement or argument with their loved one EVER? SHe actually told you to blog about it and get our opinions? She's living in a fantasy world.

B, as much as I think your great, I'm sure we'd argue at some point about something. It's the making up part I'd be looking forward to ;) Hell, I might pop something off JUST so we could make up!

Little Girl Blue said...

B wins. When I am with someone and they never disagree (or have an OPINION) I tend to worry. It's healthy and a part of life. You can't live, breathe, eat, sh*t, and act harmoniously all the time. Totally unnatural. Not saying go out of your way to disagree/argue, but it's part of life! And 3 months, does not an eternity of "love" make. She one of those "love at first sight" people??

Brooke said...

I don't know if she is or isn't. I lost touch with her from way back in junior high, so I have no idea of her relationship history. But it did make me scratch my head as to how many relationships she's been in, or how many times she's been "in love."

We all like that "in love" feeling where everything is rosy. But I think we all get to the point where we just know that at SOME POINT, no matter how "new" the relationship is, there's going to be a time where you disagree on something. How soon that happens can't be determined. It may take months, even over a year, for that to happen. But you just know IT WILL one day. Nothing wrong with it, it's just the way it is.

I think what good AND bad relationships have taught me over the years is how to handle certain situations. I can't say that the way I handle disagreements now is the same way I handled them 10-15 years ago. But you learn from past interactions and hopefully make better decisions and act accordingly. Conflicts will always pop up, it's just how you handle them that determines how successful you'll be in the long run - with relationships or anything else in life.

Yolanda said...

If they'll never ever forever-ever argue, then you ARE the Queen of Sheba...and I'm a Mega Millions winner!

Good luck to her and him. And I say that in the most un-hating way possible. *rolls eyes*

Chance said...

I have been lurking for a while and really enjoy the blog posts and the responses. Relating to the topic, I once heard someone say regarding relationships that if both of you are just alike in everything, then one of you is unnecessary. I believe that it is unhealthy to never disagree. Does your friend like to keep up appearances rather than deal with the issues at hand?

I hope that we won't hear about them on the news as a couple who hurt themselves and/or one another because they have reached their own breaking point.

Brooke said...

That's a great point Chance, I never thought of it that way - "one of you is unnecessary." You need someone to balance and challenge you once in a while to keep it interesting.

I don't know if she likes to keep up appearances, but after the responses to this blog, she's beginning to see another side of it, not just mine. Thanks for commenting, don't be a stranger!

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