Monday, March 16, 2009
"Can I touch it?"
Without looking up, without peering around the side of my desk, and without having seen Crystal yet yesterday morning, I knew Crystal put braids in her hair.
"How" you ask?
Because the White girl who sits in between us said, "ooooh, can I touch it?"
I know this scenario all too well. It's happened to me several times. I braid my hair, some White person wants to touch it. A lot of times they just do it. I feel like I'm at the damn petting zoo or something. It's not until I slowly jerk my head away from them and give them a "you're about to draw back a nub" look that they get the hint. Let me give you an example, check it:
Barbara likes Hair
What the hell man?! Really?
A Black woman has NEVER asked if she could touch my hair when I got it braided, or any other time for that matter. Not once. The only time a black woman has ever touched my hair was when I told her to...as in "I just got the best conditioning treatment...here, feel how soft my hair is." Other than that...never.
With all the Black women I know who have braids, locs, afros, curly naturals, weaves or relaxers, I have never had the urge to touch their hair either. Not one time.
Some White people though - women in particular - have this fascination with our hair, no matter what texture it is. I guess it's just because our hair is different from theirs. It's a mystery to them, and we are fascinated with the mysterious. Although White people's hair is different from my own, I never felt the need to run my fingers through some blond tresses. Not once. The only time I'm enticed to touch a person's hair is if I'm overcome with passion getting busy with a guy who has locs. Stop me if I'm revealing too much :-)
Ahem...anyway. I don't mind if a person is simply curious as to why our hair does what it does. I'd rather answer questions about our hair so that they don't walk around with any ill conceived notions of our crowning glory. I've gotten the question, "Well, how does it stay up like that?" Or "How long does it take to do it?" Or my favorite - "Do you wash it?"
What the hell kind of question is that?
Anyway...what I found disturbing was that she did it at work. Asking such questions at work could get you fired. We had a STRICT "diversity" training class that addressed such things. The girl who asked if she could touch Crystal's hair has no filter for such sensitivities - just ignorant for no reason. This is the same girl who told me White people don't talk in the movie theater. Enough said.
So, do you think I'm being too sensitive? I may be overreacting, but it just irked the hell out of me when I heard her ask the question. The fact that I didn't even have to look at Crystal to know she had her hair braided said it all to me - they just don't get it. I could be being my usual over-sensitive self...so you tell me.
Hey, at least she asked her first. Usually they just walk up to me and grab my hair. Can't they just say, "I like your new style" and keep it moving? Ask me how long it takes to braid my hair. Ask me how long it can stay like that. Hell, ask me how much my hair costs. Ask me anything else. Just don't ask me if you can touch it. ESPECIALLY at work.
Maybe I am over-reacting. Maybe not. Who knows. Ah well...whatever.
-b
43 comments:
First baby!
Brooke...I think you are on point. You are not being too sensitive because no black woman should have to be pet by a white woman.
It is just stupid things that white poeple tend to do when they do not understand difference.
Dear AnaMaria...you missed the boat again. I have an X on my back where you can tase me! :)
First, let me stand back a little bit so I don't get caught in the crossfire when Annamaria tases you :)
Second, thank you. I understand being curious and all that, I get it. But dang! Do you really have to rub my head like I have fur or something? Geesh!
1. I was not made aware of this blog soooo I couldn't comment.
2. Latinegro is getting shanked & tased.
3. Brooke you getting shanked & tased because I did not know about this post!!
4. That girl in your office is getting shanked & tased for being an idiot!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!! Annamaria, I didn't send the blog out because I wrote it late last night. It just so happens that Latinegro stays up late too and checked my blog :-) I try to write my blog from home at night cuz I get so busy during the day at work...sorry mama! Even if I had sent out the link, you would have been sleeping! You'll get 'em next time :)
no you are NOT being overly sensetive!!
i get it all the time...i get bored so easily that my hair is always in a different style wheher it be braids, a blow out, or rockin' my fro.
Can I touch it???
What the f*ck for??
once, i actually let someone touch it (i was tired of her looking at it like it was lunch) and she were "surprised at how soft it is!"
do i look like a tumble weed to you??
while i am not knocking anyone who chooses to relax their hair (see brookes other blogs), i choose not to relax mine because i feel that we are the only people on earth with this texture...why should i change it?
no, you cant touch it...just like i dont want to touch yours!!
When a white woman says “I like your dreads” , when you really have braids, and proceeds to grab your hair. You simply reply,”I like your turkey gizzard” and proceed to grab their FUCKING NECK!
ON THE FLIP SIDE:
(Uncle Ruckas voice:): Loooord… I sure do wanna’ run my fingas through some vanilla wafer hair…
The only reason I read this blog is because the title aroused me…sorry, Brooke…It moved…this is TMI Tuesday, right?
Brooke I can think about forgiving you. Craig you are a mess!ye
Uh, TMI Tuesday is only the first Tuesday of the month...but I can make it more often if you all like :-) LOL!!
I figured the title would draw you in...nasty boy!
Annamaria...you WILL forgive me, especially considering you have a birthday coming up in 10 days :)
LOL...I do think that is ignorant on their part to ask if they can touch it, but I also feel that they don't need to be kept in that ignorant state. Perhaps by letting them touch it, they won't be as stupid the next time around?lol I don't know. It hasn't happened to me that often and maybe that's why I am not as offended. A guy that I knew asked me could he touch my hair last night and he had locks AND he was black so does that make it less or more offensive?
ok ok ok I FORGIVE YOU BROOKE!!!!
DO YOU SEE CHEESECAKE IN MY BIRTHDAY FUTURE???? lol
I may Annamaria, I may :-)
Mo, I guess because I've never had a person of color ask me if they could touch my hair I never looked at it like that. But I think it's safe to say that he wasn't walking around all this time thinking you're a jungle bunny either. I can see why he wanted to touch it - you have the softest looking ringlets in your hair :-) He may have just wanted to touch you, and used your hair as an excuse - with your gorgeous self! :-)
Who knows, I think you're right. If a black person asks to touch my hair, I wouldn't be as offended. Probably because I know the curiosity may be coming from a different place. It could be that I got annoyed yesterday cuz the girl who asked is a pain in the ass you still refers to Barack Obama as "your boy." I just wanna rip her lips off!
**Woo, forgive me.**
"wooo - saaaah...nahm yo ho rengya kyo"
Brooke, as any Black woman knows, this is something we have all probably experienced. ESPECIALLY if your workplace is diverse. I find if very offensive too, it's just someone being all up in your personal space & I feel like these black women on TV like in t he clips yo enclosed need to check these white women doing that..On NATIONAL TV, I mean, come on tanika...(brandy s young, so she might get a pass) , but Tanika knows better, instead of laughing , she should have used that as a teaching moment & said Barbara, do NOT do that, how would you like it if someone came up to you & started touching your hair?
--I have also had this question asked of me, but only by close friends who I didn't really care if they touched it or not--Emma, my jewish, south African exiled friend, or Jessica, my Israeli marathon running friend. These are people who Im close with, hang with, traveled to foreign countries with, & it doesn't offend me as much( maybe it should, but if I get a new do, whatever it is, they ,alsong with others rare like h that's nice, only if it's braids, or a weave( I have had one 2x in my life) were they like What is that, how is it attached, etc?
anyway, have a good week, im in the dumps today...:-(work is a mutha......)
aww brooke THANKS! :-) Got me blushing at my desk lol. Lets eat!
Sorry you're in the dumps today Karen. I hope the day turns around for you.
I've had white people ask me how hair gets braided into my hair. I've had them ask me where my hair stops and hair extensions continue. I've had them ask me what weave hair feels like. All of that. And that doesn't bother me, cuz I wondered the same thing my damn self. But I would stop short of just reaching out and touching someone's head. You just don't do that. Unless someone invites you to feel their hair, you shouldn't just take it upon yourself to do it.
I feel the same way about personal space in general. As I'm sure Annamaria can, or will be able to attest to soon, I feel it's just as rude to touch someone's belly who's pregnant without their permission. Unless we're in the throws of passtion - don't yank my hair or touch me anywhere else. Keep your hands to yourself. If we're friends, lovers - cool. I'ts all good. But if not, then it's just a rule - don't touch...right? I mean, come on!
Yeah, it IS lunch time Mo :-)
LOL! I get this a lot and let me tell you all...I get it from white and black women out here! I had one co-worker. (The one who tripped over her man so much that she cut everyone off) yeah her who has natural hair and when I had my twists in back after CBT and unraveled them she came from behind me and grabbed my hair talking about...oh I can twist it for you next time...
WTF...get out my scalp! I'm very, very picky about who touches my hair. I don't like all sorts of energy being up in there!
And then when the fro is out...Lord had mercy I feel like a petting zoo too! One person said...wow it's really soft!
Like Liz said...what did you think it was a tumbleweed sitting on top of my head! LMAO!
So I get it more from black folks down here! My white friends don't even go there and the ones that aren't my friends seem to be amazed. But it's the flip out this way. Yes I know...H.A.M.
Yes - I get this question whenever I change my style. Yes it annoys me because like most of you have mentioned here it's not cool to be scene as some exotic "pet." I just mark it up to their stupidity and keep it moving though.
On another related topic about the differences between white folks and blacks in the workplace - one of my good friends (he's black) said that one of his white male counterparts flipped out yesterday at work, said that it was just too much for him and said he was going home. The dude came back in to work today and no one said a thing to him about his behavior, he wasn't brought in to HR to talk about it etc. Apparently my friend went in to speak with the same woman and he said that she told him that his coming in to her office was "bombarding" her although he was just trying to have an in person conversation rather than sending an impersonal e-mail. WTF is that about?
LMAO @ H.A.M. (in case y'all missed it last time, that stands for HOT ASS MESS) hahahaha!
Wow, I can't believe black folks do you like that Serena. What kind of f*ckery is that? Myabe they feel that since they're black they can do that. WRONG! That's just buffoonery.
Glee, it's the "angry black man/woman" syndrome. I was actually going to blog about that a different day. I see it all the time. The white folks around here and yell and curse and flip out and no one says boo about it. But if I so much as say "give me a minute" when they come at me while I'm eating my lunch, the next thing I know, I'm being...
"test." When what I really COULD have said was, "B*tch, can't you see I'm eating?" But NOOOOO! I didn't say that :-) Just crazy.
I meant to write "testy" in my last comment. I'm crazy busy today so I'm typing fast, and typeing a lot of typos in the process, so forgive me...I think you all know I can spell :-) LOL!!
First off - shame on anyone excusing that behavior. It's all about ignorance, no matter the race, age, etc. of who asks that bullsh*t.
Secondly - this is one of many things white people do that is ignorant, patronizing and flat-out annoying to us. I have a rule at work - you don't seriously think about what you say and how you are going to act around me, you are implicitly giving me permission to be your f'n arse. Everyone knows of this rule; so when people do say something or ask something, they really think about how to present it or how stupid it may sound. They typically think how they would feel if asked the same question - which is what they should do in the first place.
Is it sad that the threat of violence has to make them use common sense? Yes. But is it reality that they don't have it cuz most whites live in Narnia? Yes. I'm not worried about how it "should" be and all that crap - I know how IT IS. And I know I will smack you in your cabbage you come across the wrong way to me.
And the best thing - every white person who knows me knows I don't give a flying fig about HR, authority or whatever - I always say "I'll get reprimanded/disciplined later. You'll go to the hospital NOW".
I don't even let them get away with doing it to the other Black people I'm cool with at work. You can SAY anything - just use common sense. And don't touch me. Or my food. I carry a weapon at all times. And I WILL SHANK YOU.
The people Serena deals with, by the way, are in the South...whole different breed...
Brooke - I AM THE ANGRY BLACK PERSON AT WORK. And that title doesnt bother me at all. I always tell these white people:
"When you're watching our news, and your stereotypes and racist thoughts of the Black people you show and depict on the news are running through your head...just remember. Those people come from MY neighborhood, and I probably know some of them. Now that your little racist ideals of why you would cross the street if you were walking in my neighborhood and a Black man was walking towards you...and apply them TO ME. Cuz those people on the News can't get to you.
I CAN."
White people tend to drink their "actright" around me.
Damn if I don't spend my life avoiding hands in my hair. Now don't get me wrong, if I know you, it's all good. I KNOW you! But I've had strangers walk up leading with a hand saying "Wow THAT is so nice." THAT? WTF? What the f#ck is that? You mean my effin hair on my effin head!!? You see me right? You see the Black guy with the locs and the none too pleased look that you just touched him?
SMH
It's definitely a fascination with the exotic. And yes I enjoy having my hair touched by someone I WANT to touch it. (Brooke I'm sure the guys with locs you've grabbed by the hair enjoyed it because behind closed doors that's sexier than a mug) but like anything else it's a little too much for strangers to do it.
You just have to have manners. Chances are if you ask and wait for the answer, I will most likely say "sure, but don't pet me." I was once on a Manhattan corner waiting for the light to change when a White woman clearly in her 70s looked up at me and said "wow, you're hair is beautiful. Would you mind if I felt it?" And she waited with her hands to her side as I stared down at her in shock. When I approved she reached up, easy and brushed the bottom of my hair and responded "Your hair is really soft. I like it. Thank you, I hope I didn't offend you." and then kept it moving.
Refreshing considering I've been walking in a club and felt myself pulled back from some chick (sista) that has latched on to my hair without notice and is just holding it. Ummm thanks, but (HARD HAND SLAP) You wouldn't want me grabbing your ass and holding it would you?...or maybe you would, but damn have some manners that's connected to an angry man's head.
Rameer, you? Angry black man? Noooo, I never would'a thunk it!
LOL!!
Ram, you would have BEEN shanked this girl at work. She says all kinds of crazy stuff, just Ig'nant! She has no filter...or just really doesn't care. When Hill Harper was speaking on behalf of Barack Obama during the campaign, she was like "who IS he anyway, why do we care?" When I said he was an actor who went to Harvard with Barack, she was like "HEEEE went to Harvard? HIM!? That man?" I could see if Flavor Flav was on the damn screen...but it was HILL f*ckin HARPER!!! She thinks all black men are thugs and pimps and that black women named "Brooke" are the exception to the Shanene rule. She calls Barack Obama "your boy" and thinks that all black people bust caps at the movies. This girl is straight redneck from Tenneessee, and I want to slap the spit out of her mouth on a daily basis.
I hear you Brooke. I've been labeled the angry black woman here at work. I find that how they choose to deal with me is to remove me from projects or stop asking for my input when I give any push back.
I really do believe that's just F*ckery to use your word. I've had that same thing happen to me - come over to me when I'm clearly eating lunch.
I had the thought today that I truly know what it means to wear a shit-eating grin, because I feel like especially in the work place I have to eat a whole lot of shit just to get what I DESERVE because of my hard work. grrrr
Dre, your hair is sexy as hell. I think you know that I think that ;)
And your locs are nice and juicy and LONG! I can see someone wanting to touch them. I've had ALOT of fun running my hands thru locs...and trust me, they wanted me to touch them :-) LOL!!
I just keep my cool at work, even when I have reason to go off on someone Glee. That way, when THEY do it, it just makes them look simple...and I make sure I give them a look that indicates that.
That girl either wouldn't work there or would be moved away from me. I have a history of making white women cry when they are out of pocket with the racial stuff.
I would break her down to her very last compound...and it WOULDN'T be pretty. You might actually be a little horrified...most people don't like to see that side of me. But I feel like the only thing people understand is harsh, brutal responses when they do things - and I don't just do it. I OVERDO it.
Dear Brooke-lyn,
Well you know I already knew who you were referring to before you mentioned where she was stationed on your floor. I have/had a co-worker there just like that who'd ask all kinds of silly questions of me and Kellie: "Wow, so-and-so's. hair is so long! I didn't think you guys hair grew that long!" or "Do you guys use curling irons? I didn't know if it did the same job for your hair." or "My hair has fallen out. I need a wig (for an event). I know you Black girls know of the name of some place or someone who does a weave!"
You know, now that I am recalling all these incidents, I realize her comments went from being a little curious to down-right racist and stereotypical and more importantly, rude!
I don't think you're being overtly sensitive Brooke-lyn. The crown of a woman's head is something Blacks take seriously. And it's not a racial thing - I'm not that big on sistas touching my hair either (and I have some friends who love to do that). We don't like water to hit it (rain, pool water, etc.), even in the bedroom when we're getting passionate, watch your hands and the way your grab us, brothas. Hell, you don't even catch us running our own hands through our manes too often. And I can't stand when people are rubbing babies heads! Especially newborns that still have the soft spot. If your friend's child's head does not say Spalding across the top of it, please stop palming other people's babies heads!
Whether you choose to relax it and have sat under a dryer for 90 mins, or you have a natural and have dabbed your Curly Pudding on 1000 times to get the exact shape you want it, or you've sat in the chair of a Senegalese-owned store or in between someone's legs (don't act like you don't know!) for hours so you could get micro-braids, our hair needs maintenance and that's not a small feat no matter the style. We don't want someone playing in out hair, period! Because our hair is of a texture that can be freaked and tweaked into different shapes, does not make us other-worldly! That's one of the many things that makes us different! You don't have to touch and poke and prod me like a lab experiment because my body has the ability to do something yours cannot. Like Liz said, their hair is not that interesting and I don't want to touch it!
Brooke-lyn, you tell Betty Rubble, aka Crystal, that I said "tell people, don't squeeze the Charmin!"
I won't even start reminscing about all the questions I got about having a toosch! LOL. Ok, maybe I'll throw one in there. So the co-worker of mine I referenced earlier in this comment (female, won't mention her ethnicity but, will only say, non-Black), another co-worker (male, White) and I were chewing the fat one day. He mentions something about strippers and that leads us into a conversation about big backsides. So he says "Black women have huge butts. Ohhh that's such a turn-on for a man.". Then he mentions how the strippers can make theirs clap (he used to do some handy work in strip clubs BTW; that's how this convo came up - eventhough sitting with my male friends and talking about strippers or porn is like a regular Fri. night for me - anyway, I digress). She jumps up and says "Yeah but I heard a lot of them (Black women) got implants, that's why their butts are large and they're able to do "tricks" like that!"
I don't know I was so defensive, but I jumped up and said "Are you serious?" You've seen enough regular, everyday, surgery-free Black women walking around here with asses like elephants so how can you say that? In the 80s, everyone wanted to look like Brooke Shields in her Calvin Klein jeans or Jane Fonda in her spandex and you called us fat and overweight for having a little extra in our trunk. Now Beyonce & J-Lo are bootyliscious in Hollywood (somewhat - not like ghetto-booty but ya know) and Angelina Jolie (not you Anna Marie, lol) and Scarlett Johanson have lips that look like they've been stung by bees, it's sexy now? And we can't even have ownership of that without you screaming we're surgically-enhanced? Nope, we didn't get it from Taiwan in a silicon-covering, we got it straight from our mama! We've always had those items babes, check the scoreboard, know your history!". So he chimed in "Yeah, look at Princess' ass - it's big and all-natural, I can tell.". And as he was giggling at his own little comment, I just leaned over to both of them, put my hand on one of my toosch cheeks and said softly "Made in America - No ASSembly required," and walked off like I just shot the damn sheriff, swinging my ass from side to side. And that's all I have to say about that!
(fanning myself) umm..wow..thanks for the compliment Brooke. we still talking about hair? LOL
"Asses like elephants" Princess? Elephants?? That sounds like a place I wouldn't mind having my hair stroked..being that it's so nice and juicy and long and all. LOL
The ass thing is real. I remember working in the finance sector and when those brokers and traders got drunk they would say all kinds of things about wanting and loving Black women and the sexiness of the sisters.
Princess! LOL!! I love you!! And you're right, it seems there's alot of FREE speech around here. But if we were to comment about flat asses, no lips and stringy hair, we'd be fired for being "insensitive." People around here kill me.
I remember talking to Crystal saying I wanted to go somewhere warm so I could get a nice tan. This same girl was like "Black people tan?" It took everything I had in me not to fly her head.
now you know i had to call you out on the tennessee comment! I'm from Tennessee!!
But she IS a redneck tho :-)
Yeah, that wasn't nice, I'm sorry. But dang, she does it to me everytime. I need to just pray for her.
And yes Dre, there are some big asses here...you'd love it!
And yes, we're still talking about hair........for now ;-)
Sorry I've been gone for a lil bit. I just don't think random people should be touching you...lol
Curiosity will get you shanked! lol
As for the touching the belly thing. I really don't mind when my family & friends touch my belly because I know they are being genuine. My absolut fear is when I'm around someone that I dislike. I have this fear that they are going to try to touch me & I KNOW & WE ALL KNOW THAT I WILL FREAK OUT!!!! lol Sooo far I've come close but it hasn't happened THANK GOD! lol
And I will shank some random stranger that tries to touch me! lol
White people will say what they think they can get away with. Actually, anyone will. I've had the same experiences as all of you - but in my workplace, that ish don't fly around me no mo'. I'm too old to explain ish to stupid, ignorant white people, or to even have to hear their crap when it comes to race. Thus, everyone is on alert that you will either (A) subject yourself to major pummeling or (B) get the nastiest verbal barrage you may have ever heard in your adult life.
And Brooke - I DO talk about flat asses, stringy dog hair and thin lips. I even hit them with the science - calling them demons, mutants, etc. when it warrants. Not my fault it's based in history and science...
And no, it's not just lax where I work. I'm THE ANGRY BLACK MAN...and I just don't give a F. Since everyone knows these reactions are just that - REACTIONS - they make sure to be careful not to do anything to make me REACT.
Our GM even says to people "don't give him the excuse...all he needs is an excuse". So I don't put up with the tomfoolery mentioned in a lot of these comments - dealt with it too long. Not into the whole white people making me feel uncomfortable thing - I make THEM feel uncomfortable nowadays.
Funny thing is - I get along with white people better than I've ever gotten along with them at any other point in my life. They just all keep the rules in the back of their heads. The only time they can say racial stuff is if we're cool and we're doing off-color jokes or humor.
Well Brooke, I hope you are not having a "bad hair day" because that would give them more reason to rub your hair.LOL
Seriously, I don't think white people who do that can help themselves. In all honesty...they are willfully ignorant! It stems from their grandparents who have been carrying the myth for decades-"rub black people hair brings you good luck" but it can go both ways. When I was at Temple University- if it was raining it smelt like dogs. So when white people would asked those silly questions, I always followed up with "Why do white people hair smell like dogs, when it is wet? that would always bring the conversation to an halt.
LMAO!!! That's funny :-)
And honestly, saying things like "flat asses" or "stringy hair" doesn't come naturally to me. I just know that that is what the stereotype is, and I don't subscribe to it anymore than I subscribe to fried chicken and watermelon stereotypes. It actually makes me uncomfortable to stereotype like that, it's not something that's inherent in me. So when I hear things like "why do YOU people do" this or that, it upsets me. I guess that kind of ignorance will always exist and you just have to deal with it, but I can't let it go. I have to call people on it, because otherwise, how will they learn? I quickly corrected her about "our" people talking in the movies. I quickly corrected her that Hill Harper is an educated man, as are many black men and that they're not all thugs and drug dealers. I correct her every chance I get. Her and anyone else with that ignorance. I guess I'm just getting tired of trying to educate folks who don't care. Like you said, willfull ignorance. They plead ignorance to these things, but I'm not buying it anymore. And if we said or did HALF they stuff they did, we'd never get a pass or have anyone look at us like "oh...Brooke just doesn't understand...silly girl." They expect us to know better, so we should hold them to the same standard.
Hey people!!!!! S good to be back although I know yal didn't miss me!!!!!Shady Damn Grady's....
Anyway Latinegro you better watch out for Annamaria.......She's always first on my blog and she's not even Muslim!!!!
As for this topic gurl I'm not even surprised anymore..... I wonder if there is something we can ask white people that is equally annoying?
I missed you!!! You need to send out the link to everyone so we know when you post. I don't normally read OPB's (Other Poeple's Blogs) until I get home at night. Too busy during the day.
ok thanks for the shout out but we are talkin about hair...
Brooke you are right! I always found the pivotal conflict with them is not when they are corrected, but when you ask them questions that unfolds their underlining reason for asking the dumb questions or committing these insidious act it angers them because they are force to give them reason for the questIion(s).
I always respond to their question...as "what do you mean by that" or "may I ask you a question", this artless attacks always puts them on an edge, as the y stumble to explain their philosophical reason for their sterotyping. I love all type of people... I big on diversity, but Fu*ksticks are not tolerated. Its like you said...I check them at the door.
Never touch a black woman's hair!
Tshirts will be on sale next week :)
I'll take one in an XL, LOL!!
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