Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I'm a Flirt!

Happy Hump Day - DuWayne!!!

So, last night, I was accused of flirting on Facebook. Matter of fact, I was called "Queen Flirt." I thought it was kinda funny for two reasons. One, the person who called me that is the KING of flirting...and two, I don't view myself that way. I personally just think I'm a friendly, approachable person...but I could be wrong. Maybe I give off a flirtatious vibe, who knows. But is that a bad thing? I don't think I OVER flirt - cuz I hate that myself - but if you think I do, please tell me!

Personally, I think there's an art to flirting. It's effective in its subtlety. It's a glance, a slight brush across the hand, some well placed words. When done well and successfully, flirting can boost your confidence. Since I was called out as being a Facebook flirt (debatable), I'll point out that technology has made it so that you can build on and enhance this skill before you master it face to face. Nowadays, you can text, IM, email, Facebook or Twitter your flirts :-) Technology has added a new dimension to flirting, and most shy folks start off there and then work their way up.

For one, you have time to think about what you're going to say on text/IM; you're not pressured to come up with something clever on the spot. And when he/she responds, you can take your time responding back. You can take as much or as little time as you like to formulate the perfect, flirtatious reply. Second, you can say things on text or IM or wherever that you might not necessarily say in person. You might feel the urge to be a bit sexy, but wouldn't dare in person for fear of coming across as oversexed or inappropriate. That is one of the biggest mistakes most men make - they flirt with the goal of getting you in bed...and they come across that way. Most women are turned off by that. Not saying women don't do it too, but most women flirt for fun :-) If we sense you're flirting with sex on the brain, it's a turnoff. But if you say something sexual over text or IM, and it doesn't go over well, you can always try to play it off like you were joking. It doesn't always work, but at least you can say that the joke didn't translate well via text/IM because your sarcasm couldn't be inferred from inflection and tone.

Once you master flirting electronically, you may feel confident enough to bring some of that game into practice in person. Just make sure you pay attention to the cues you're receiving in person that you don't get to see via text/IM, because otherwise you might come across as overbearing, oversexed, crazy or just straight corny.

Instead of telling you what I perceive to be the art of flirting, let me tell you some DON'T' least the way I see it anyway. Feel free to add your two cents.

Like I said earlier, I think men and women sometimes flirt differently, and for different reasons. Most times when a man is flirting heavy with me, it comes across as overtly sexual instead of fun. Women mainly flirt to get attention, even if they have zero intention on talking to you again, let alone sleeping with you. Not saying women don't have sex on the brain at times when they flirt too, but mostly women flirt to feel you out to see if you're even worth going there. If done correctly, we can be flirtatious without seeming "ho'ish" LOL! But like I said, only if done correctly.

Men have to apply the same thought pattern when they flirt. Flirting should be about engaging and communicating with the woman on her level - feeding off her vibe, not your secret desires to hit that at the end of the night. If you come across as a horny toad, she'll run...unless that's on her mind too. But if you want to do it right and effectively, then here is what works on ME:

Keep the touching to a minimum.

Now, I'm not saying don't touch me AT ALL. Far from it. The right touch at the right moment is sexy as hell, and sends me a signal without you saying one word. Touch my hand when you're telling me something funny, or stand a little closer to me. Let our knees touch at the movies, and let your fingers dangle over the armrest on my leg. Help me put my coat on and move my hair out the way....little touches.

Don't grope me, grab me, squeeze me or touch my face...cuz if you do that, now you're invading my personal space and working my nerves. Lean in like you're telling me a secret and touch the small of my back. Trust me, I'll notice.

Don't sound cocky or rehearsed.

If EVERY word out your mouth sounds perfect or like you've rehearsed it, then we'll think you say the same thing to every woman you meet. It makes us think you flirt for sport, not because you're really interested in US. Coming across as a "professional flirter" loses its novelty REAL QUICK. And while we're on that....

Don't Flirt with every chick in the spot.

Women talk. You know we do. And if you're known as the dude who flirts with EVERYONE, trust me, we've talked about you and compared notes. Women like to feel special, like you're only interested in us. If you're not flirting with the intention of getting her attention or her phone number, then by all means...flirt away. But if you flirt with every girl at the club or the party, trust me...we SEE you. You might be the King Flirt, but by the end of the night you'll become the clown who's only entertaining himself and just casting a wide net to see who bites. We'll be calling you the annoying dude who tried to hit on every chick in the joint..and that's just wack. And last...

Staring isn't flirting.

Have you ever been out and there's some dude who is just staring? I mean, burning a hole through you with his eyes? A glance with smiling eyes is one thing, but a guy who thinks he's trying to "play it cool" and be "mysterious" can actually come across as....well..."stalker-ish." Sitting in the corner or standing across the room giving us the "death stare" will make you either look like you lack confidence to come speak to us, or you will simply creep us out. Very unbecoming.

Now trust me, I'm certainly no expert in flirting...hardly. I just told you what works and doesn't work on me. I think flirting is fun, and I admit to doing it when the mood strikes. I don't know if I'm "Queen Flirt" or if I even want that title. But hey, at least someone thinks I'm good at it :-) But if you haven't mastered the art of flirting, then stick to Facebook until you get it right :-)



Anonymous said...

First! And watch me flirt my way out of getting tased...

Hey Annamaria, how have you been? Everything good. I've noticed a glow about you, motherhood is so beautiful:-) (hoping that glow isn't the taser behind her back)

That was written like a how-to book to flirting. You are a great flirt, Brooke. And that proves it. I agree on the sexual nature of flirts. That's definitely a crutch we men fall on like a sword.

Flirting is a sport for women. I agree with Steve Harvey, men have a plan and that plan is put in motion through flirting. Often for me, I'm just complimentary and it comes off as flirting.

Women watch your flirts..they could conjure up a stalker now...

Brooke said...

"I'm just complimentary and it comes off as flirting."



But thank you! I guess I could be called worse things :-) I'm very complimentary too, but I hope my compliments come across as sincere, not fake for the sake of flirting. Forgot to add that - be SINCERE when flirting...cuz we can usually tell when you're blowing smoke up our ass :-)

Dre, you're a great flirt too :)

Anonymous said...

Dre thanks for the compliments....


You can't flirt your way out of a tase man!!!!!!!

Brooke:You gotta stop with these midnight postings...LOL.. I need to be first!!! And yeah you are a flirt.. I've seen you work it girl! lol....But you are flirty in a classy way not a slutty way & that makes all the difference in the world.

momo925 said...

This was a funny read Brooke! You are absolutely right lol. Staring is so NOT cute. I don't know why dudes do this?? It's not flirtacious. It's weird and scary. You can be in lounge or something and a guy will do everything BUT talk to you. He'll stare, move over to your side of the room, stand in your vicinity, and won't say a word ALL night! What's up with that? lol

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Hey peeps, sorry I have been BIA (Blogging in action..yeah I know that's corny) OK.. I admit it. I'm a flirt! Even with a girlfriend I still flirt. Can't help myself. But it's definitely an innocent flirt. But my reason is, I love to see women smile and feel good about themselves. I just can't help it.

Now I have to admit, I suck at face to face flirting (at least initially)... however. I can email, text and IM your panties off (women only)! Before you know it you're wondering how you got in bed with a 5'8 negro with a big head.

Anyway, can't comment long. A negro trying to figure out how to make a career out of being a Professional FB Status Update Engineer. Wish that joint came with benefits!

Brooke said...

LOL!! B, you are hilarious!! Glad to see you back! And yes, you're good at flirting too, but yours are so subtle they barely come across as flirting - and that shows how good you are at it. Never sexual, just playful... most times ;)

Annamaria, tell me when you've seen me flirt!!! I can't ever recall flirting in your presence :)

Mo, the creepy "death stare" dude has no clue...makes me wonder who's schooling him...cuz that's SO not cool.

Georgia Peach said...

LMAO @ Pretty Ricky. I'd love that job.

As for me and my flirting techniques I'd say I don't have one. I'm not really much of a flirt to be honest. Currently I'm reading this book called "The Art of Seduction" and the one thing that is common amongst most of the different types of seducers is that you have to pay attention and be geniune in your interest of the other person.

I agree with what you said here Brooke - nothing more of a turn-off than the professional flirter, although I do love people who just have a natural swagger and can hold intelligent conversation. Something so sexy about that.

Brooke said...

Yes Glee, but to me, that's not flirting...that's charisma. There's a fine line between someone who comes off as just blowing smoke up your ass and using all his little one liners on you vs. someone who takes genuine interest in who they're talking to. Person who is good at flirting with a natural presence and "swagger" makes you feel like you're the only person in the room. BIG difference between THAT person and the professional flirter.

Anonymous said...

I've been called a "king flirt". But most people I know say I'm a pretty good flirt.

First off, I've NEVER come across as creepy or over-sexualized...that's not the reason I flirt. I flirt because I'm attracted to someone or find them attractive - that doesn't mean I'm trying to use my flirtations as an ends to a means to "hit that".

I also don't flirt with everyone. So much so, that some women I know have gotten jealous that I won't or have never flirted with them as opposed to others.

I actually don't think about flirting. It's just kind of a natural thing for me - I just do it. My boy AB once clowned me for kicking that "computer love" cuz he caught me flirting with a girl on Facebook (little did he know we had "history"). But I'm just as flirtacious in-person...

I've been told I "do it right". I dunno - not like I went to a class or something. All my boys are flirts to some's just who we are.

I FEEL YOU on the "death stare", Brooke - there's an old dude at my job who does it. He used to (he works in an area of our TV station where he's not exposed to people as much anymore) creep the hell out of women I work with. But he used to get really jealous that these same women would come look for me to chat, hang out, hug me, etc. He would be like "you noticed her legs in that skirt too!" and I'd be like "yeah - but I didn't stare at her like a 10 oz. sirloin for 5 minutes, either". To this day, he still doesn't get it.

He actually embarrassed me one of our ex-anchors - a young, pretty woman - came in to the studio, and we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. We both were happy to see each other, and I gave her a big, cuddly hug and kiss on the cheek. Well, Ol' Dirty Man decided that was his chance, since he also hadn't seen her. He runs up as we break our embrace, and before she had a chance to even react, he GRABS her and essentially gives her the sleaziest, grope-filled hug ever. After he let her go, she stood there...stunned. She quietly walked away like a zombie.

I apologized for like 3 days to her! She was like it wasn't my fault, but I felt like I gave him the signal that it was okay, and he took advantage. She DID tell him not to touch her again, but I still felt responsible for putting her in that position.

(Ahem) I get off topic!

Brooke, there's nothing wrong with being a flirt. Classy, sexy women flirt...sluts do something else, I wouldn't call it flirting. I'd call it more of...soliciting. yeah, that's it.

I think you're a GREAT flirt. Whomever called you a "queen flirt" and tried to frame it as though there were something wrong with that - poo on them. Next time they speak up, quote the great ghetto poet Thugnificent"



Brooke said...

LMAO!! Rameer, you never disappoint. And he wan't really saying it in a bad way, just pointing it out I guess. No one has ever called me out as a flirt before, so I took advantage of that to use as a topic of discussion. Most times, I'm just behaving naturally...other times, I'm very well aware of when I'm flirting. But when I'm aware of it, I have a plan and a message I specifically want to send. Otherwise, I'm simply enjoying engaging with whomever I'm talking to.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it so long as it's done tastefully. I know women who giggle like simpletons at every man's NOT FUNNY joke, OVER touch men, hang on them while pointing out their spilling over cleavage, and just basically falling all over themselves, and they think that they're flirting in fun way. In fact, it just looks desperate, like your insecurities are showing. It's not attractive when either sex does it wrong. But done right, flirting is a confidence booster and pure art. It's fun and entertaining and uplifting.

And Rameer, you're greaat at it.

Anonymous said...

Awww...thanks, Ms. Brookes!!!


Anonymous said...

ZAY buge in the building!
Flirting...great info/topic Brooke...i think your right on..Flirting has got to be intelligent, sincere and sexy(not vulgar). I see dudes go way too hard and scare the shit of woman...bcs they are too aggressive, i see shorties scared to flirt bcs they they clam up and miss out on an opportunity. Flirting is an is mental gotta be patient and really have a passion for discovering all the ways to be mentally stimulating to your it is very attractive to meet someone who can flirt on your level and then engage. Most folks who are not flirts in person (have limited game) there e-game is much better bcs of the reasons you mentioned B. However people with game just get more time to master there flirt swag...and take it to a whole new level. Flirting is good..and is a great opportunity to reveal some of your best qualities all while having fun..i'm no expert of course...but im sayin...i enjoy it.. ;)

Note: Dre..whenever you are in need of a PA for the next Mellisa Ford taping..i would love to help Brooke explore this issue of Flirting..for scientific purposes solely. ;)zay. it's yur boy!!

Brooke said...

Here's a question - has flirting excessively ever gotten any of you in trouble?

Are any of you offended when, say, a married man or woman, flirts with you?

Brooke said...

Zay, you're a nut. I think that's how we met and became fast friends, you were flirting with me! But you always had a knack for it, you're great at it. And mainly because you're FUNNY. If a man can make me laugh while flirting, you got me. You're not "sexually" funny, but flirty, FUN funny :) That is very attractive, and hard for most men to master. You do it beautifully :-)

You and Dre...Melyssa Ford... are OBSESSED!! LOL!!

Anthony Otero said...

I wont say that I am the king of flirts either, but I know I am very good at it. I think that over the years I have mastered how to talk to a woman without making it seem like I am trying to get into her pants.

However, I have gone gotten in

It is hard to really know how interested someone is over IM or email. I think that tone is assumed in so much electronic communication that is not fair to the sender or the receiver.

Brooke flirts? I have never ever witnessed (is that sarcasm or the truth? hmmmmm...)

Georgia Peach said...

@ Brooke - I'd say it depends on how far the married person went with their flirting. I know some of my married friends who do it a lot, but I personally probably wouldn't do it if I were married. I think to each his own and as long as the flirting doesn't cross the line into something else it could be harmless. Again I wouldn't do it.

Brooke said...

Ant...Me? a flirt? Never. I think there's a difference between giving someone a genuine compliment, and talking to them with the intention of letting them know you're interested. I usually take flirting with a grain of salt, and I usually assume the guy I'm talking to flirts with EVERYONE, not just me. A man will have to pretty much come straight out and TELL me if he's interested, otherwise I make no assumptions.

I asked the question because I have found that ALOT of guys I know who are married flirt with me via IM or FB or wherever. I know it's harmless and innocent, but I often wonder if they'd get in trouble on the strength of their emails/texts alone. I had one guy tell me he had to stop texting me cuz his wife went thru his phone and didn't like the things he was saying to me, even though I didn't find any of it particularly offensive. But if you're in a relationship, I can see how a partner could get angry... especially if they feel it's going overboard.

I find that when I'm in a relationship, I tend to scale back or change my flirtatious ways. Is it disrespectful to flirt when you're taken? Or is it just fun and games? Fine line...

Anonymous said...

I have so many women who are in relationships or married who flirt with me, I can't keep up. Hell, they do it right IN FRONT of their mates sometimes! It's crazy.

I eluded to it in a previous posting on this certain females I know (I was talking about some of the white girls I know, but hell - it can apply to women of all colors I know) flirt and carry on right in front of their dudes all the time. I mean, I guess the guys figure "she's coming home with me", but some of them take things to an extent I know I wouldn't be cool with my girl or wife doing or saying...

One girl I know is engaged, and completely goes bananas the way she flirts with me - but she ONLY does it with me. Other than that, she's Ms. Good-wife-to-be.

That one worries me...cuz she's kinda!

I don't think it's wrong as long as you know your limits. But I personally wouldn't trust a married guy being the initiator...women seem to have a "pump your brakes" switch most men don't.

Anonymous said...

why thank you dear...BMB(black man blushing) i just made that up...aow!but uh...Brooke you are a flirting machine..and engaging...we crack up all the time but when we flirt it's 'nice'.;)

Serena W. said...

Brooke I love this blog about flirting and the "how to" section lol! Amazing how many grown folks are walking around still being too aggressive, the stare of death as if you're a manequin in a store front window or groping (illll get off me)!

One thing that turns me off are the Superpokes when men are trying to get my attention and every week I'm getting a cuddle, a kiss, a hug, someone poked me talking about he took a shower with me...oh hell no! Now if I was kinda scoping out dude then it would be fine...but I'm not the least bit attracted to this one.

Love dude to death, shoot we go back to 3rd grade together. But c'mon I never said anything to lead him on and it's annoying! Not sexy nor attractive...if that's not enough then the messages on FB. Sigh. Yep he will never get my celly!

Saw stalkerish flirting is a super duper big no no for me! Not cute!

Brooke said...

Zay, did I make you blush? awww :)

Serena, I feel you. Sometimes people have no clue as to how off-putting they can be. All that does is tell me you're just flirting for the hell of it...and doing it wrong...cuz you're not even paying attention to the reactions you're getting from me. Less is more - they don't get it.

And flirting can also come off as bragadocious (sp?) Flirting shouldn't be about should be about the other person, the person you're flirting with. People who make flirting about themselves only care how you see them, not that THEY see YOU.

Flirting for me should be going both ways. If only one of us is doing it, what's the point? :)

Oh, and I try not to flirt too much with men who are taken, or I keep it very light. I do this because I know flirting can easily turn into something else - a lesson I learned the hard way. So now, I try to "flirt within limits." Once I feel it taking a turn nowadays, I pull it back.

Anonymous said...

U don't have 2 have limits with me, Ms. Brookes...

***cues Mary J.***

"Lovin' you
Every day
Don't you look no more,
Love without a limit..."

"Loving all I wanna do...
Loving all I wanna do...
Loving you, said loving you
Is all that I, all that I, all that I wanna do
Baby, baby, baby, a-whoa-oh-oh-oooooooohhhhhh..."

Brooke said...

Now I have that song in my head :) Can't go wrong with MJB :-)

And I'll love you back!

Serena W. said...'re greatness! ;-) I love that song!

Anonymous said...

Lol...that's my favorite MJB song of all-time...

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