Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Monday everyone!

I hope you all had a blessed and restful, long holiday weekend!

So, I get back to NY late last night like I always do coming back from Philly. I get myself all situated and in the bed, when suddenly I hear yelling. Then more yelling.

"You asshole!"

"I hate you too, get out!"

Then it hits me, it's my downstairs neighbors going at it again. These two guys have a big fight every few months. I hear furniture moving, glass being smashed against walls. I even called the cops one time because the one guy ran out of the apartment screaming, "Stop hitting me, don't hit me anymore!" He banged on a neighbor's door, she answered...but she wouldn't let him in, for fear that his boyfriend might come after her too. It was then that I called the police as he sat on the steps outside waiting for them to come.

I barely got any sleep last night because of their fighting. When I dragged myself in today, I mentioned to a friend on email that I was tired and the reason why. She wrote me back.

"Really, they fight like that in your building? I didn't think you lived in a neighborhood like that."

huh?

Is there a certain address where domestic abuse takes place?

What neighborhood does Chris Bro.....wait....scratch that.

What neighborhood does TIGER WOODS live in?

Now, before we get into it...we don't know what happened the night (early morning) Tiger Woods smashed his truck into a fire hydrant and a tree. ALLEGEDLY, he was involved in some type of domestic spat between him and his wife. Who the hell knows....

But it does make you wonder how the media would handle the situation if that IS indeed the case. I mean, they gave Chris Brown the bizness over beating up Rihanna...as they should have. There is excuse for his behavior, and you know I'm not gonna defend it.

But do you think the media will handle Tiger Woods and his wife the same way if we discover that she actually DID come after him with a 9 Iron that night and bust the windows out his ride?

Makes you wonder, right?

I mean...domestic abuse is wrong, no matter who does it. But will they vilify her, or will she be a woman scorned who simply lost it after finding out her man dipped out on her...allegedly?

Do we view domestic violence differently if it involves two men, as in the gay couple who lives below me?

Violence is violence, no matter who is doing the abusing - male, female, white, black, rich, poor, gay or straight. And it has no specific address - not an apartment building in Queens or a gated community in Florida. It exists everywhere and can touch EVERYONE.

It may be hard for some to define what love is, but I know what love isn't. Love doesn't raise a hand (or a golf club) to you. Love doesn't throw glass at your face. Love doesn't bite you or smash your face up against a car window.

Love shouldn't hurt...not like that.

-b

TGIBF!

(Thank God It's Black Friday!)

I hope this isn't y'all today!



or this



That last one had Queens Center Mall written all over it.

Have fun today and be safe shopping...it's not that deep!

Have a great weekend!

-b

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wasn't sure if I should post a blog on Thanksgiving since I assume most of you are eating with your families and not around to read it. I figured I could just post the blog that I'd written for Thanksgiving last year and leave it at that...because I'm still thankful for the very same blessings I have in my life THIS year.

But it occurred to me that we always give thanks for what we have, not what we DON'T have. I know that sounds odd - but sometimes, we should be thankful we DIDN'T get that job we went out for, that we didn't get a call back from that cute guy we met, or that we didn't take that big risk.

Not everything we want is good for us, and it's not always God's will to give us what we pray for. So many times, we're only thankful for what we can see or feel rather than those things that we never saw or felt that we were spared under His grace.

So today, and EVERY day, greet each one with gratitude in your heart for what God has done in your life - knowingly or not - because it wasn't by accident of fortune, but rather by virtue of His love that we are here.

Be thankful...not just for the sun that warms your face, but the rain that cleanses your spirit. Be thankful for the light that has shown you the way, but also the darkness...because it shows you the stars. Welcome happiness that expands your heart, yet be thankful that you endured the sadness that opened your soul. And be thankful for all of your rewards, because they are due to you - but also be thankful for the obstacles that will undoubtedly come your way, because the challenge will only make you stronger.

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving and a wonderful weekend!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

It was suggested to me that we do Random Thoughts Wednesday instead of Thursday since Thursday is Thanksgiving. So, if that's alright with y'all, let's get to it!

- I will probably still post something tomorrow, but not sure about Friday. I might be out shopping with Ma Dukes, but you all can feel free to chat amongst yourselves :-)

- My sister is re-doing her kitchen, so Thanksgiving dinner is still up in the air right now. Thanksgiving is about family, not food...so as long as I'm with them, I couldn't care less. But I will admit, I wanna eat something with some gravy on it tomorrow!

- I think I'm still in denial that winter is just around the corner. I hate the cold!

- Considering I hate the cold and winter, I picked the wrong university to attend! In 4 years, I never got used to Syracuse winters. I swear it used to snow sideways or from the ground up!

- My cheesecake was the shiznit...I have to make another one today.

- I might even try making a sweet potato pie...hmmmm....

- I'm starting to dread getting my wisdom tooth pulled next week :-( I've had an impacted one pulled before but I'm still skerred!

- I have alot of kids to shop for for the holidays...better get started.

- My mom is coming to NY for Xmas this year, I'm so excited about that! I will be putting my tree up soon after Thanksgiving so that I can savor the holiday spirit and celebrate with my mom :-)

- Was it me, or did Jermaine forget he was accepting an award for MICHAEL at the AMA's?

- STILL mad at "Jermajesty".....da hell?

- Holding Lil Miss Sophia made me want a baby...for a second. ;-)

- I wouldn't know what to do with a baby girl anyway. I feel like all I know are little boys. And y'all don't want me to have to do a little girl's hair...I barely do my own!

- If I swung that way, Amber Rose could get it I think. But not if she smokes.

- Nothing tastes better than a turkey sammich the day after Thanksgiving! If we don't get this kitchen situation figured out, can someone save me a plate!? Thanks!

Go!

-b

Happy Tuesday!

Today is my last day in the office this week, woo-hoo! I’m off for 5 days and I will try to soak up every drop of holiday and vacation time. I need it!

So, I was being my normal observant self on the train this morning, as usual. Two girls sitting across from me, probably about 16 or 17 years old, are talking about…what else? Boys.

“I liked him as soon as I saw him, he was so fine!”

“Yeah, he is kinda cute.”

“He always has on some nice sneakers too.”

“Yeah, and jewelry.”

“I love his cornrows, even though they need to be done again.”

“Does he buy you stuff?”

“Yeah girl, he always take me to the movies, and he took me to Red Lobster the other day.”

“He got money like that?”

“Yeah, he works. He bought me a Playstation too.”

Then I had to tune them out. I just didn't want to listen anymore.

Not because they sounded crazy, or young, or immature – but because…well…I’m grown.

At 16 or 17, you’re allowed to sound immature…because most likely you are.

I tried to remember what I liked in a guy when I was 16 years old. When I was 16, my boyfriend at the time was in college - I’m still not sure how I got away with that one. But if a guy seemed “mature” beyond my teenage world, I was hooked. It wasn’t about sneakers or clothes – it was about maturity and intelligence. I thought boys my age were dumb, and older guys were always attracted to me because they thought I was older than I was...simply because I’ve been 5’10 since I was 14. Never mind that I had the face of a 10-year-old, they'd approach me anyway…and I guess I thought that was cool.

Now, in my mid-30’s, not too much has changed. I listen to some single women talk about what they find attractive in a man, and they sound no different than the 16 year-old girls on the train.

They like that men have “toys”…"things.” Cars, motorcycles, big tv’s, Playstations. Yes, they’ll throw the house in there for good measure, but it’s usually superficial things they look for in a man.

For me, maturity and intelligence are still at the top of my list. Sure, I like guys that can joke around and be funny and have a good time; but I also appreciate a man who can get down to business when needed – both professionally and personally. You can’t be a goofball ALL the time. I thought that way at 16, and I still do now.

And spending all your hard earned money on toys and gadgets isn’t what makes me wanna throw my panties at you either. Those things are for YOU to enjoy. Not saying I won't play Playstation with you, but that's yours. I have no problem with that.

Wanna know what I enjoy?

A man who can wear a fly ass watch that peeks out at me from under a nice French cuff. Very unassuming, but shows me you have good taste while not being flashy.

I also enjoy a great tie, or a nice pair of shoes, or a perfectly fitted blazer.

And last but certainly not least…a meticulous haircut.

Don't get me wrong, I notice the same things a 16 year-old would – it’s just that now, it's a fresh edge-up over cornrows, or a square toe Kenneth Cole over Air Jordans…a nice watch over a gold chain. At my age, those things show me that you’ve progressed past do-rags and jerseys - and when you’re 16, there’s nothing wrong with any of that.

But me? Now?

Like I said…I’m grown :-)

-b

**in my best Wendy Williams voice**

"How you doin?"

Happy Monday! The weekends are always so short - especially when you're having fun. Saturday night I celebrated SuSu's birthday with her and friends at Simply Fondue - a great date spot! It's in Queens, look it up :-)

Sunday, I made Annamaria's cheesecake and headed over to her place to pay up on my bet - and finally meet Little Miss Sophia. All I can say is she has to be the sweetest thing ever! I just wanted to eat her up! She giggled and goo-goo'd and ga-ga'd all night while Annamaria fed me and Austin schooled me on real estate. Even though I lost the bet, I still got my arroz con gandules! Now that's what I call a gracious winner :-)

(and I got leftovers packed up all nice and neat - Austin and I will be eating a good lunch today!)

Speaking of Annamaria, she's my guest blogger today! She had some things on her mind, and her post is quick and to the point - so let's show her some love, shall we?

I Found IT...Now What?? by Annamaria Felix

We’ve written and read quite a few blogs about looking for love, what we want in a mate, and what frustrates us about our search for love. I figured I’d write from a different point of view. I’ve found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Now what the hell do I do??

Relationships get old, love fades, things happen...so what do we do once we find the person we want to be with?? How do we keep love going strong? How do we ensure continued happiness? I understand that couples will never be happy 100% of the time. Arguing is healthy. A slight tasing may be necessary.

Sometimes we need to think about our relationship(s) and get back to why we fell/fall in love in the first place. So with that, let me pose these questions to the blog family:

1. What can we do to try and keep the love going?
2. What qualities do you appreciate in your mate or former mate?
3. What do you like about your mate or a former mate?
4. What do you dislike about your mate or former mate?
5. What do you like to do for your mate or former mate?
6. For singles: What qualities are non-negotiable in a future love interest?

Go!

-Annamaria

TGIF!

This week was long like a mugg! (I think Pretty Ricky is the only person who still says "like a mugg" LOL!)

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the weekend - SuSu's birthday celebration tomorrow and then Lil Miss Sophia and cheesecake at Annamaria's house on Sunday :-)

Now...let's go!

1. Men - if you could take a birth control pill, would you? Ladies - would you trust a man to? ;-)

2. Are you a tongue kisser or tight lipped?

3. Favorite brand of condoms...and why? Men - do you lead a Magnum lifestyle? ;-)

4. Do you still keep letters/cards/pics of any of your exes (even if you're in a new relationship?)

5. Have you ever kissed a stranger or someone you just met?

6. Do you still have sex with your partner (or have you in the past) even when you were angry with them?

7. Do food and sex go together? :-)

8. Do you sleep naked or in pj's?

9. Top or bottom?

10. Hair down there? Shave? Wax? Bush?

*Bonus: Describe your favorite role playing scenario - or one you'd like to act out.

Go!

-b

- Somebody is doing the Wop right now. I bet it's Pretty Ricky ;-)

- Oh, and Annamaria, if Sunday is good, then remind me to bring you all these nasty ass Tootsie Rolls with me. I can't wait for them to be gone from my candy jar so I can put my GOOD candy in there :)

- Hug someone today. I could use a good one :-)

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

And again...speaking of humping...here's a question: Can you turn a "ho" into a housewife?

The reason I ask is because I was watching Oprah yesterday, and the infamous porn star Jenna Jameson was one of her guests. I don't think I have to explain who Jenna Jameson is - but if you don't know who she is for whatever reason, she's considered one of the most famous porn star moguls ever.



Jenna is now retired, married and a stay-at-home mom, and I often wonder how someone goes from porn star, or stripper, or prostitute to...wifey? I mean, most men don't wanna know anything about your ex, your sexual past or how many partners you've had, let alone have it on VIDEO for all the world to see. So how does that happen?

I'm sure we've all heard the saying that men "want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed." I get that. But how do you go from being a freak in the street AND a freak behind closed doors - and still be respected? Most of the women that I know or have come in contact with are very much ladies out in public. They don't have their breasts spilling out or wear skirts hiked up their hoo-ha. They leave some things to the imagination...keep some things a mystery.

But these very same women are the ones who will swing from chandeliers if that's what it takes to make them and their man happy. They're into toys, whips, chains, lotions, handcuffs (don't judge) and you'd never know it. Their sexual secrets are kept well hidden, and you'd never catch a sex tape of them floating around.

According to yesterday's "special report" on Oprah, 70% of women keep their online porn viewing habits a secret, yet 1 in 3 women are consumers of a billion dollar porn industry. Even though we are women, and know women, who are open to all kinds of sexual discussions (this blog included), a lot of women are still afraid to let the wild cat out of the cage publicly for fear that they'll be considered strange, weird, sick, a freak or a "ho" if they do. We all have an inner "Jenna Jameson," but we're afraid to let it show because we feel we'll be judged or criticized. Nothing is wrong with being a sexual being, so long as we keep it behind closed doors.

But more and more women are coming out of their sexual shells. I'm sure most of us could put some"professional" porn stars to shame if we let our true talents shine. I know women...not me of course...who could put Superhead out of business - we'd just never admit it out loud.

So how then do the Superhead's, Jenna Jameson's, and other women "like that" get past their sexual history and settle down to become "normal," happy, respected wives and mothers? Men, would you date, or marry, an ex porn star or stripper? Would you be able to get over the fact that every red-blooded male has jacked off to the site of your woman giving head to someone else like a pro? Women, do you think you could settle down with Lex Steele after he retires?

Personally, I'd have a hard time with it (no pun intended...kinda). I guess I'm just not that liberal. If 1 in 3 women watch and are consumers of porn, erotica, sex toys, etc., then that means at least one of my girls has a dvd or a molded penis in her nightstand drawer with my man's name (and her juices) written all over it.

No thanks.

-b

Happy Tuesday peoples!

So last night, I was having dinner with a friend, and she tells me that she's never approached a man or asked one out on a date. While I didn't think that was too odd, she went on to say that she doesn't even really know how to flirt with a man, and that she gets really shy around men that she's interested in.

When I told her that she needs to practice, she she said "Oh no, I can't do that. I just can't, because I don't wanna deal with the rejection." Well...duh...no one does, but how else can you let that certain someone know you're interested so that he'll know to approach you?

"A man should just know," she said.

And while I understand that men are supposed to be the chasers, not all men "get it" when we're sending out our smoke signals. Sometimes they need a little help reading us, and sometimes they're just as shy as we are. Men are afraid of rejection too, they just have no choice since most of them feel that society dictates that they always make the first move. I think men are just more used to dealing with possible rejection than we are simply because they do most of the pursuing.

And I get it. A woman likes to feel wanted and pursued. But don't men want those same things? While I understand that we're the "ladies" and the man should be a "man," what's wrong with a little harmless flirting, or simple eye contact, to let a man know you're interested? I asked her how all of her relationships began if she's not doing ANYTHING to let a guy know she's interested.

"Well, the man approaches me. If I like him, we go out. If not, then I keep it moving. At least that way, if a guy approaches ME, I already know he likes me and I don't have to worry about rejection."

My question to her was simply this:

"So, are you going to go through life allowing someone to choose you and just take what's GIVEN to you, or are you going to go out and get what YOU want?"

She sat looking at me. "You're right," she says.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know putting yourself out there may not be the easiest thing in the world to do. Facing possible disappointment, embarrassment and ego bruising is never fun. Women usually have the luxury and satisfaction of choosing who she will or will not give her attention to.

A man approaches:

"Look at his shoes."

"His teeth are jacked up."

"Oh no he didn't just come up to me. Child please."

We sit back and choose. Men chase, and we decide who catches us.

But that's the easy way out.

You never know what'll happen if you don't try - at least once - to go after a man that YOU want to date. My friend is beautiful, smart and funny - so I can't imagine her possibly getting rejected by any man she sets her sights on. But if he's not interested, then so what? You live to flirt another day, and it builds a thick skin...and character. You have to be confident in who you are, and if he doesn't return your interest, just chalk it up to "he's just not the into me." And there's nothing wrong with that.

But chances are, even if you're not his cup of tea, he'll still think that you're a brave, confident woman who goes after what she wants. He might even think it's sexy. If you're afraid to go all out and ask a man on a date, subtle hints work too. Let your gaze linger a little longer on his glance - eye contact goes a long way. Smile at him. Say "good morning." If he's interested, chances are he'll take it from there. If you sense that he's interested, but shy, then you might need to take it a little further and hand him your business card and hopefully he'll email you since a cat has got his tongue. The trick is to let the man know it's okay to approach you.

And if he doesn't, there's no love lost. No embarrassment. No rejection. You simply said hello to a cute guy on the train. Just be sure to wink at him as you get off at your stop - that way , you'll have him smiling all day...and he'll remember you ;)

-b

Hola mi gente!

I'm so tired today I can barely keep my eyes open. That's what I get for waiting til 11:45pm to drive back to NY. Yes, I was buggin last night. But I had a great weekend with my family celebrating my mom's birthday, which is actually TODAY. Happy Birthday Mommy!

Now, on to today's topic.

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the tv show Tough Love on VH1. I got hooked on it during its first season, and now they're back with Season 2. While I missed the premiere last night (watching football), I will DEFINITELY catch it on one of its many repeats. If you're not familiar with the show, here is a trailer to give you an idea of this guy's style of "tough love."

The reason I like this guy so much is because he tells it straight like it is. While most of his advice is like "duh...we all know that" - it's good to hear (again) every once in a while just how a man's brain works. While these women fall under the extreme cases of those who truly don't have a clue, a lot of his insights are pretty valuable reminders of what NOT to do when dating.

Let's take this dating tip for instance.




Now, I agree that a woman shouldn't have all their kids' names picked out or start ordering wedding invitations after your first date to the movies together; but I do think it's important to state what you want in the early stages of a relationship. First date? Maybe not. But don't wait til after you've been seeing the guy for a year and you still have no idea if marriage is something he sees in his future.

On a first date, just take your time and get to know him. You may decide later that you don't even really LIKE him. Everyone puts their best foot forward when just getting to know someone. Give it a few months for the other person's flaws to rear their ugly head. If these are flaws you can live with, and you still think he's your future baby daddy, then feel him out on the subject of marriage and/or children. If he's feeling you, he won't run from the conversation. But if he stalls, or changes the subject, or suddenly moves to Africa...then you have your answer.

I think one of the many reasons a lot of relationships fail is because the parties involved don't discuss what they want and expect from each other. There's nothing wrong with telling someone that you'd like to get married and have kids one day. I think it's important not to waste anyone's time.

But there's a difference between telling someone what you'd like one day, and ramming it down someone's throat that you want to marry HIM...like...TOMORROW. Ease into it, be patient and simply enjoy each other's company for a while. Your bridesmaids don't have to be picked just yet...it can wait a lil bit :-)

-b

TGIF!!!

It's Brookey's Friday Sexy Survey, so let's go!

1. Hard or Soft? (and no...I'm not talking about tacos Ant ;)

2. Do you show public displays of affection? If not, why not?

3. Sex on top of sheets...or under?

4. What is your current sexual fantasy?

5. Favorite position...and why?

6. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever say to you?

7. Women - do you wear lingerie, especially when planning to have sex? Men - do you appreciate a woman who wears lingerie...or do you care?

8. Do any of you have a sexual nickname? If so, name it. If not, what would/should it be?

9. Where is your favorite place to be kissed?

10. Lights on...or lights off?

Go!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!


- Did anyone watch Oprah yesterday? The woman who was mauled by a chimp revealed her face for the first time. So sad, and shocking. I hope she continues to get better. Courageous woman.

- Someone posted this as their Facebook status the other day: "The person who loves the least controls the relationship." Thought about that one for a minute...and it's so true.

- Speaking of Facebook, a guy who used to terrorize me in elementary school found me on the site and wants to take me on a date now. How funny is that?

- I have nothing but chicken breasts and broccoli in my freezer. Healthy...yes. Fun...not so much :-)

- My body is sore from the kickass workout I did with Monica yesterday. Abs are on fire!

- This weekend is my mother's birthday weekend! I can't wait to celebrate with her!

- Did anyone hear about the girl who can't stop sneezing? They said she sneezes 12,000 times a day! Buffoonery. She's getting help - I hope it stops soon!

- Fury has a sexy story up on his blog The Dirty Details. You might not wanna read it at work though ;) I could go for a massage AND a happy ending ;-)

- What the hell is up with Sammy Sosa's face?



Self-hatred is so sad.

- I just wanna be happy.

- Nothing but nasty ass Tootsie Rolls in my candy jar now...and no one stops by for candy anymore.

- In two weeks it'll be Thanksgiving. My random thoughts will be nothing but what I'm thankful for. I'm extremely blessed :-)

Go!

-b

Happy Veterans Day!

I'd like to thank my cousin Tony, his wife, DMurray, Brad, my dad, uncles, grandfathers, great-grandfathers and all the other men and women who serve(d) in our armed forces and protect our way of life everyday. It's because of you all that we can rest easy at night and enjoy the freedoms that we have. Thank you!

I'd also like to send my prayers to the families of those who were killed or injured in the attacks at Fort Hood. To die during battle on foreign soil is one thing, but to die at the hands of a fellow soldier at home is quite another - and very tragic. My thoughts are with them this Veterans Day.

Lastly, I'd like to add that I hope the families of those who lost loved ones at the hands of John Allen Muhammad and/or Lee Boyd Malvo feel a sense of closure after Muhammad's execution last night. Some say it's just another life gone, and that they'll never have complete closure of their loved one's death. Others say that since Muhammad got to see their father, sister, mother's last breath, so should they see his.

I try to stay away from polarizing topics on my blog - abortion, the death penalty, stem cell research, etc. Not because I don't have an opinion on those things, but because I don't necessarily know if there is a right or wrong one. Opinions are just that - opinions. And I respect anyone's views on these types of subjects, because they are usually dictated by our own set of standards or values, religious beliefs or personal experiences.

There was a time when I felt the death penalty was immoral and uncivilized. I felt it was just another way to murder someone...just legally.

But then again, I've never had any of my loved ones murdered by a sniper.

I used to think the death penalty was cruel and unusual punishment.

But then again, I've never had a child of mine go missing, only to be found raped, beaten and dismembered in someone's living room...their head in a bucket.

When you hear stories like this, it reminds you that there is REAL evil in the world. And I personally believe that if you can hurt or kill a child, then you have a special place in hell waiting just for you. How you get there is the bigger question - do we wait for you to die naturally in jail to meet your doom, or do we help you get there sooner by executing you?

I don't have the answer to that, and my feelings about it change everyday. As a Christian, I believe in forgiveness and repentance. But sometimes, an eye for an eye sounds good too.

I remember feeling a sense of relief when the D.C. Sniper was captured. One of my best friends was living in the D.C. area at the time, and she was pregnant with her first child. I and her entire family were scared for her and her husband, and her husband told her not to leave the house. I can't imagine living in that type of fear, and you never think that something like that could ever happen to you.

When I heard Muhammad was sentenced to death while Malvo was to serve life in jail, I didn't think his punishment was cruel or unusual in that moment. I felt that if you shoot 22 people, and murder 15, then that is the punishment you chose. Just as he snuffed out the lives of innocent people, his life was snuffed out too. At least he saw it coming. Those other poor folks never did.

I don't feel differently now that Muhammad is dead. My day goes on the same as it would any other day. I say prayers for all of those affected by what he did, and I pray I (or anyone I know) never have to go through the tragedy of losing a loved one in such a violent way.

Regardless of my personal feelings on the death penalty today, my hope is that when one of the loved ones of any of the victims woke up this morning, they felt some sense of peace or closure...if only for a moment...if only for today.

-b

Happy Tuesday everyone!

I have a guest today - none other than our very own "Meercat" - Rameer - let's go!

Okay, so Brooke-Ra gave me a shot at guest blogging again. And while I’m glad for the opportunity (no, Brooke-Ra and Serena, I’m STILL not doing the bitchass blog!), the subject matter is…kind of peculiar.

See, it deals with a previous blog and subject matter we’ve talked about in the past. I believe it was Serena’s blog, “Turning In My Player’s Hat,” that really got the convo going about men “deciding” when they wanted to settle down - leaving good women in their wake unfairly. And I read what many of the ladies wrote, and agreed with or at least saw their point on many things. I’m still unsure why (in my opinion) most women do the comparison thing – comparing the new girl to you, or measuring up to see who was better, looked better, better job, etc. – but I completely get it.

Now...I might be one of those dudes.

I’m always honest on here, but I’m going to try to be as forthcoming as possible in this blog. I really don’t THINK I’m superficial at all. I don’t THINK that. But I’ve wondered off of the opinions of people at times. Never off of the opinions of any of my closest people; we’re all brutally honest, and since none of them ever made that claim about me, I tend to think I’m right in my assertion that I’m not that way. However, people who know me, but maybe not that well, have made the claim that I only date/mess with/deal with VERY attractive women. And I must say, I DO know a TON of them. And most of the ones I’ve dealt with romantically typically have gotten the “DAYUM!!” from brothas – as well as sistas, too.

A while back, I went out with this really sweet, beautiful woman. Extremely smart, Knowledge Of Self, self-sufficient, no-nonsense – she’s pretty much everything a good guy would want. For years, she dated this dude that I jokingly called “the Reverend MLK Jr.,”...cuz homie looked like MLK. He was a good dude though, and I couldn’t cut his throat, (me and my boy’s term for stealing a girl from another dude) cuz he’s actually an SU grad – and I’m extremely loyal and have an affinity for my SU peoples.

Anyway, he moved, they broke up, and that was that. At some point last year, we took our flirtation to a little MORE than flirtation. Now, I flirt with any female who is attractive. But this always had a hint of truth to it; secretly, we’ve been attracted to each other from Day One of meeting each other – all the way back in ’97. She was a co-worker until a few years back, and we were just very good, close friends.

Well, we crossed the line. Everything was great – we were together, both knew what we wanted (supposedly), and were happy. But then, something started not being right. For ME. I couldn’t put my foot on it, but I couldn’t be with her. Then, a mitigating circumstance reared its head – there was a chance (albeit a small one) that a good friend’s impending baby could be mine (we had dated in the past and had hooked up for ol’ times sake months before she and I got together. She felt it was fair to tell me there was a chance it could be mine if not her ex’s).

I think I used that as a good reason to break it off. Truth is, if the baby was mine, (it wasn’t it turned out, as me and the female friend both initially thought) I would’ve tried to make it work with the friend, cuz we’re tight, and she’s marriage material. I’m not into “baby mommas,”and I’d want my child to have both parents together and present in the home. But it was like the perfect excuse to let go of something that, though it was perfect, just wasn’t right for me.

When we broke it off, she understood, but told me that she would be there, and hoped that one day we could get back together. I told her don’t do that - to move on with her life and we’ll always be good friends.

Fast forward to today. I’m seeing someone.

The woman I’m seeing is EXTREMELY different than most women I’ve ever been seriously involved with. First off, she’s not a “model chick” like some of the envious types at my job accuse me of always being with. She’s not ugly by any means, but she would classify as an average woman. There are a number of other things that are a bit opposite of what people would think of a woman on my arm, based on my past women and who I am. But here’s the thing – at the end of the day, I’m HAPPY. I mean, like ecstatic happy. Head over heels, ebullient when we’re together. And it’s really a good thing.

Princess LOVES her. She says she’s perfect for me, that I needed to stop with the model chicks as well. And she says she’s a challenge and that I’ve been able to get women too easy – and this one wasn’t easy. I can tell you this – we both have each other stepping out each other’s lanes to do new things. She took me to my first hockey game as an adult this past week (she LOVES all sports, and was determined to prove to me that I could like a live hockey game as much as other sports – she was RIGHT). I got her to eat Asian-fusion when she thought most Asian food was disgusting (she was wrong). We both hate PDA's, yet we find each other holding hands at times and kissing in public, regardless of who is around (I SERIOUSLY don’t do that stuff – but I’ve done it with her – on my own!).

But now I’m thinking about Woman #1.

See, she definitely is a “model chick.” And, while I’m not going crazy and saying she’s “The One,” about the woman I'm seeing now, I’m happy and want nothing else. And I’m wondering how Woman #1 is going to react once she knows about my new woman. I’m positive the comparisons are going to go through her mind, and that she’s gonna feel and echo the same sentiments that I read on here from the ladies regarding how we men unfairly get them to the point of investing the time - just to move on to the next woman’s benefit. She knows I’m a pretty good guy, which will make it worse. And I happen to know she hasn’t dated or messed with any guy seriously since me – and that means she’s been single for almost ALL of 2009.

Meanwhile, I’ve dated casually…but she’s held on, even though I’ve never led her on, and made it clear I was in another space and wanted to maintain nothing but friendship between us. But I don’t think we can ever go back to being pure platonic friends, truly.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m not giving up this wonderful woman in the least, but I have no idea how to deal with the situation with Woman #1 - cuz now...I’m THAT guy. The guy I read all of you ladies ranting about wasting your time and then moving on and treating the next woman like an Empress. Even though I treated Woman #1 well, it’s of no solace to her. Not to sound arrogant, but I KNOW she still wants me. I KNOW she thinks we should be together…and probably envisioned us being each other’s last relationship.

It’s a tough position to be in, cuz I DO care about her as a friend. But I can’t help but think she’s going to look at me with resentment and hurt. That I wasted her time. Why did I put her through this, only to move on to her? That I went from being the good guy she loved…to THAT guy.

It’s true. It’s unfair, but when we’re ready to settle down, we do in many cases…and sometimes at the expense of past relationships and connections.

I’ve always prided myself in being a genuinely good guy, and most people have agreed with that assessment.

But now, I’m thinking…maybe I am just THAT GUY.

Love to hear any and all feedback from you guys…especially the women.

-Rameer

Good day everyone!

What a gorgeous autumn day! Get out and enjoy it if you can!

So, this is my last rant on the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown saga. I was prepared to never talk about it again, but the jockeys on the radio were discussing it this morning and it made me hot all over again.

One of the radio personalities, Cipha Sounds, said that he believes Rihanna only spoke out to sell albums and that she must have done something to deserve what happened to her.

Now, I watched the full 20/20 Rihanna interview on Friday night. If you missed it, here is some more of her talk with Diane Sawyer.


Now, none of us were in that car with them. All we can go on is Rihanna and Chris' account of what happened. But, far as I know, he hasn't disputed any of what she said in the interview. He plead guilty to the charges and his been given a sentence. He has apologized over and over again for beating her, and she claims she is no longer with him. That's what we know.

But what I DON'T know is why our first instinct is to blame the victim. I'm not saying we ALL do it, or did it. But this morning, nothing but women...and women of color it seemed...called in IN DEFENSE of Chris Brown. Some said that men don't just do that for no reason. Some said that the "caribbean culture" dictates that Rihanna must have done something to him, because caribbean women "talk back" and "start stuff." One Jamaican woman went on a rant and said that even though Chris Brown was wrong for hitting her, she had to have done something.

That simply baffles me.

Rihanna admitted to arguing with him. She said it was a verbal altercation and that she never hit him. Whether we choose to believe her or not is our choice. However, short of her pulling out a knife or a gun on him, what could possibly have gone on in that car that warrants him using her face as a punching bag?! It's not like he was defending himself or fighting for his life. He was beating her in a car, pushing her face up against a window and BITING her.

What could she have said that warrants that? I don't care if she called him a "little d*ck muphucka" and cursed his mama - does ANYONE deserve a beating like that? Yes, there are woman out there who are violent and who hit men. They provoke arguments and raise up and break fool on people from time to time. But statistically, the majority of women who suffer from domestic abuse are NOT violent and DO NOT provoke altercations. Quite the opposite.

The beatdown aside, I think what troubles me most about domestic abuse in general, and this case in particular, is our instinct to blame the victim. Are we so programmed in this society to value a woman's life or her well-being LESS that we automatically make it HER fault? Why do we, especially women of color, come to the defense of the abuser, and not the abused? We call these women names and make accusations based on our own issues - like she must be stupid, or she has an attitude, or she's trying to sell records, or she's trying to ruin his career.

When watching that interview, I got the sense that she didn't really want to be there. She seemed confused. I could tell that she still held feelings for him. She seemed painfully honest, but still a bit overwhelmed by it all...but like she was trying to maintain as much control as she could muster. I think she sounded like a brave woman who admitted to loving a man who beat her, who was embarrassed by it all, and whose heart hasn't quite caught up with her head yet.

Some said she sounded stupid.

But to me, she sounded like a woman who was asked to do an interview so she can get it over with. Like a woman who still loves the man who beat her, but who she knows is wrong for her. Like a woman who feels the need to speak to young girls, even though she's still a young girl herself trying to figure out what happened.


Perhaps she should have waited until she was stronger and more sure of her feelings before she gave the interview. If anything, criticize her for THAT. But with a cd coming out soon, she and her team may have felt that in order for her to get back to her life and the business of making music, doing the interview would get all the questions that the media undoubtably has out of the way so that she COULD promote her album.

If you ask me, I think Rihanna would've preferred to NEVER talk about it...to put it behind her forever. But when you're a celebrity and in the public eye as much as the two of them are, it's impossible for the incident to just "go away." People would hound her until she had no choice but to talk about it, so she chose to do it her way. No YouTube, no Oprah (cuz that interview may have been VERY different had Oprah done it) and no crazy Larry King. Hopefully, now we can allow her to get back to her life and performing. Maybe now she can get back to being defined by her music, and not as a victim.

Sure, we don't know what happened...we weren't there. But what we DO know hasn't been disputed. What we DO know is that a woman was beaten. What we DO know is that this was the face she was left with at the hands of Chris Brown.


What else do we need to know?

-b

TGIF!!

I'm so happy it's Friday, all I can think about it going home, plopping down on the couch and relaxing all weekend. It's been a long week!

So, as I'm smushed between all the Yankees fans attending the parade this morning, I overheard an interesting and thought provoking conversation between 2 women who appeared to be strangers. One was probably in her mid-30's, attractive, professional looking. The other woman looked to be about 50 years old, wearing a mink, diamond earrings, carrying a designer bag and dripped in money. But she had a down-to-earth and matter-of-fact way about her as she spoke - nothing pretentious.

They were discussing love and marriage, and the elder woman seemed like she was about to drop some knowledge - so of course I honed in on the discussion.

The younger woman said she was tired of dating, tired of simple ass men and tired of trying. At her age, she asked if she should just settle for "Mr. Good Enough." She said she was seeing a guy who was nice and seemed to be really taken with her, and she knows he'd treat her well.

The older woman asked her if she loved him, and the younger one said, "I like him. He's nice. I care for him."

Then the older woman asked if she respected him. The younger one said yes.

So, now I'm expecting the older woman to sing a song about waiting to find love and marry your soulmate. But to my and the younger woman's surprise, she said, "Marry him."

Hmmm...are you sure?

The younger one, even though she seemed to have made up her mind to "settle," seemed to protest a bit.

"So you're saying I should marry him, even if there's no 'spark'?"

"If he loves you, he's a good man, treats you well and will provide a great home for the both of you, then yes. Absolutely."

The younger woman sat there stunned for a moment, as if she'd just be handed the keys to the kingdom and was just standing there waiting to go inside. Noticing her reaction, the seemingly wiser woman continued.

"I once dated a man in my 30's who was the love of my life. He was gorgeous, he made me laugh, we had fun. The chemistry between us was great. But he didn't have any ambition, and he could never stay loyal to me. I loved him, but I had to let him go. Now I'm married to a man I respect, who treats me well, who provides a great life for the both of us and I know he'd never cheat on me. Is there that 'spark'? No. But do I love and respect him? Yes."

Wow.

Now, I cringe at the thought of settling. The super independent, self-reliant, wanna-be-happy in love part of me thought to myself, "I'd rather be alone than settle for ANY man who wasn't my soulmate." But I had to really sit and think about that for a second. Is my idea of love and romanticism realistic? Is it mature even? Do I need to get my head out of the clouds?

I've dated men that I loved...and then I dated men that I LOVED! I mean, head over heels, fireworks, electric chemistry, knock-my-socks off LOVE. I've been in "safe" relationships where I knew the men were good guys, they loved me, respected me and worshipped the ground I walked on. But we were missing that "thing."

You know...that indescribable "thing" - it can't be put into words. You just know it's there. That "thing" where you get butterflies every time you know you're going to see him. That "thing" where you're content just to watch him sleep. That "thing" where the sex is crazy off the hook!

But usually, those relationships ended. When I came up for air, that person wound up not being the person I should settle down with. He wound up being the person who wanted something totally different than what I wanted. The person who married the next person he dated. And sometimes, the person I was still in love with, even though I knew he wasn't the one for me.

The safe ones are there. The good guys. The responsible ones. Sure, they may lack that "thing" - but you'd feel secure. You'd feel safe. There would be no drama.

The younger woman thanked her for her advice and asked her one last question. "Do you ever feel lonely? Do you feel regret?" (I guess that's two questions...ha!)

The older woman's response?

"I feel happy."

I have to say, that conversation had me thinking all morning. At 36, time is going by. Is it RUSHING BY me at warp speed to the point where I feel I need to do something about love and happiness NOW?

No, it's not.

But there are some women who are in their 40's and 50's who WANT to be married and have someone to live their life with. Instead of chasing some mythical notion of "love," they're using their minds instead of their hearts when choosing a mate who will be their companion in life. Some may think that sounds sad, but maybe romanticism has its limits.

Maybe "Mr. Good Enough" has just enough to make us feel...happy.

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

- Congrats to the NY Yankees on winning the World Series. And thanks to the Phillies for a great season, you're still my team! Maybe next year!

- I won't be lacing Annamaria's cheesecake since she's the ONLY NY'er who showed great sportsmanship during the series.

- The woman who sits next to me put like...a GAZILLION..."baby" Tootsie Rolls in my candy jar, and they're covering up the "good" candy. Everyone is now trying to dig past it to get to the Snickers and Reeses Cups, but I can tell they're getting tired of doing that...so it's keeping people from going into the candy jar as much and taking more than one piece. I should have thought of that months ago!

- A woman in my department is a self-admitted narcissist and brags about it. Only a narcissist would do that...and think that's a good thing.

- Another woman in my department keeps saying “synopsises” instead of "synopses." It drives me nuts. I try to find a way to repeat it in a sentence after her so she can hear the correct way to pronounce it, but she still doesn’t get it. I’ve given up. How does “synopsises” even SOUND correct to her?

- People shouldn’t be allowed to smoke ON EARTH. Like…EVER! I can’t stand inhaling second hand smoke or walking through a cloud of it just to get in the building!

- I got a friend request on Facebook from a woman who works in HR – should I accept? That always makes me nervous :-)

- I need to start bringing my lunch more - I'm spending WAY too much money on lunch. The problem is I never have a taste for what I bring the next day, so I wind up buying what I REALLY want anyway. It's a vicious cycle! Maybe I just need to learn to cook more interesting dishes :-(

- Now whenever someone is coughing near me or blowing their nose, I think they have the swine flu. But I'm afraid of getting the vaccine, so I just try to hold my breath as long as possible :-)

- I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving - one my favorite holidays!

- I hate that it's dark out so early. I feel like I'm getting the winter blues already.

- That Cleveland rapist story is so disturbingly insane, it sends chills down my spine. Ten bodies!!?? Wow.

- In case you missed any of the Rihanna interview, here is some of it.



I'm sure Breezy will be making the rounds again after all is said and done...like this MTV interview for example:



I. just. can't. stand. to. hear. him. speak. like. he. never. learned. how. to. co. mu. ni. cate. :-)

- Going to see 2012 next week - scary.



- Do you think they show the trailer for Avatar enough? :) Looks cool though!

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

In the spirit of "Humping," I thought I'd keep it light and fun today and ask all of you to name your favorite songs to get busy to. But here's the catch - you have to name 5 songs to "make love" to...and 5 songs to "f*ck" to.

Now, if you're confused about the difference between making love and having sex (straight bonin'), then I'll break down the difference to you in one simple word:

INTIMACY.

Now, I'm not saying one is better than the other. Sometimes we want it to be slow and sensual and tender. Other times, we want you to pull our hair and spank us from the back! Making love is inclusive of both of you and mutual pleasure, whereas sex with no intimacy is simply a physical, individual act - just to get your rocks off. But whether you want to be caressed, or have your back blown out - there's a song for either mood :)

Brookey's Top 10 songs to Make Love To:

This list was hard to do, because I think there are so many great love songs out there that capture the art of love-making - but here are a few that come to mind instantly:

1. Adore - Prince. Nuff Said.

2. Anything by Luther Vandross could be a love making song - but my favorite would have to be "Superstar" or "If Only For One Night."

3. Between the Sheets - The Isley Brothers

4. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye

5. Say Yes - Floetry

6. Cherish the Day - Sade

7. You - Jesse Powell

8. Whenever, Wherever, Whatever (BONUS: Spanish version) - Maxwell

9. Lyzel in E Flat - Jill Scott

10. Two Occasions - The Deele

Honorable mentions go to "Candlelight and You" (Chante Moore), "For You" (Kenny Latimore) and "No Ordinary Love" (Sade).

Brookey's Top 10 Songs to F*ck To:

1. Do Me Baby - Prince

2. Darling Nikki - Prince

3. Bump and Grind - R. Kelley

4. Sex Me - R. Kelley

5. Come Inside - Intro

6. Mirror - NeYo

7. Any Time, Any Place - Janet Jackson

8. Love in This Club - Usher featuring Beyonce

9. Doin' It - L.L. Cool J

10. Freak Me Baby - Silk

Honorable mentions go to "All I Need" (MJB & Method Man), "Have a Baby By Me" (50) and maybe "Rock the Boat" (Aaliyah).

Now, these are just songs that I came up with on the fly - but I'm sure my list could use some help - so let's hear it!

-b

Happy TMI Tuesday!

So...here's a question I've been meaning to ask - when you're dating someone, how long should you be going out before you can pee with the door open?

Yes, it's TMI Tuesday!

You know what I mean - when do you let your unladylike, or un-gentlemanly behavior surface?

For example, I will probably burst a blood vessel before I pass gas in front of a man. ANY man - especially the one I'm dating.

I run water when I pee so he won't hear it. And the door is definitely closed!

Y'all know what I'm talking about - start this clip at 1:14:



But then you get comfortable. He thinks you're cute and ignores your snoring. You think he's adorable, so you overlook the fact that he chews his food like a cow. You're in that stage where you can let it go (no pun intended....well...kinda intended).

But when do we get to that stage? Three months? Six months? A year? Never?

I've dated guys who farted in my presence on our first date. And while they said "excuse me," I was still taken back. My first reaction was, "Dude, we ain't cool like that yet." But he did it like it was nothing - I think he almost took pride in busting a good one. I just tried to forget it...while holding my breath of course.

I remember the first time I passed gas in front of a guy. I was mortified. He barely noticed. When he asked me why I was turning red, I said, "Because I passed gas." (I figured I should warn him in case it was a deadly one). He was like, "awww, how cute."

Men.

Men that I've dated fart in front of me all the time. And they do it fairly early in the dating stage too. And it's not like they're silent but deadly ones, or it just snuck up on them and slipped out. They dug in deep for it and let it rip! When I look surprised or say, "uh..excuse me," they say, "What? Everyone does it." Meanwhile, I'm passed out on the floor somewhere.

I understand everyone does it. Of course we do. But if I let it go, even a sneaky one, a dude would look at me like I'm crazy. While he's just "being a man," I'd be considered a nasty heffa!

Why are women the ones who have to be ladylike all the time when it comes to those things? Men can belch, burp, fart, scratch and grab all they want - while women have to hold it in, let it stay stuck or let it itch? And if we ARE allowed to just hang loose, when is it safe to do that?

I'm sure it's all relative, and each relationship is different, but if it were up to me, a man would NEVER see me do ANY of that stuff if I can help it. Some things should just remain a mystery.

Men, tell me...is it a turn-off if a woman passes gas or belches in front of you too soon - if at all? Or would you rather see this side of her early just to get it over with and see if you can stomach it?

Ladies, same question...are you turned off by caveman behavior displayed too early? Do you expect your man to get to know you better and get further along in your relationship before he stands there peeing with the door open?

Any horror stories? Come on y'all...it's TMI Tuesday, and I can't be the only one spilling the beans all the time :-) Let's go!

-b

Happy Monday!

I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!

So I'm trying to think of something to write about this morning, and our blog family member Monica says, "You know what I was thinking about this morning? Usher and his new single. I really listened to it for the first time this morning, and maybe it's just me, but I think the fact that he is putting his whole relationship on blast like that is F'd up."

Ahhhh...good topic.

I actually had a brief discussion about "Papers" last week with another friend who said that Tameka Foster, Usher's wife...or ex-wife...or whatever..."must've done something really wrong if Usher is writing a song like that about her."

In case you haven't heard it or don't know all the lyrics, here it is:



Now, I've never been married, let alone divorced - so I can't speak on the intricacies of marriage and all that goes down within the confines of holy matrimony. I remember when Usher and Tameka were out and about as a couple, people were shocked. He was a Porshe, and she was an old, beat up pick-up truck - or so THEY said. What was he doing with her? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose her?

Then she turned up pregnant, there was some talk that his mother didn't approve of her, didn't attend the big wedding they were supposed to have - that then got called off - and then back on again...only to get married in his attorney's office. Two years and two sons later, he's ready to sign them papers.

None of us knows what either of them did right or wrong. None of us were privy to the inner workings of their relationship. None of us knows why the marriage fell apart. And isn't that the way it should be?

I know, I know...we all know what singers and song writers do - they write a song about it. Wanna hear it? Here it go! Now we're all looking at her like some sort of monster who made him damn near lose his mama. Damn you Tameka Foster!!!

But is that fair? Great love and great success require taking great risks. We all do it everyday. There are no guarantees to love, and no one can MAKE anyone fall in love with us. We fall in love willingly. Yes, there is a such thing as fraud in a relationship. People can pretend to be one thing (heterosexual) and be something else (ie: Terry McMillan's gay husband...even though I don't see how she missed that one...I digress...)

But most times, maybe we just fall in love with the wrong person. Or maybe we grow apart. Maybe circumstances beyond our control makes one of us change, while the other person remains the same. Maybe we rush into marriage, only to end up divorced a year or two later. Maybe we get married for the wrong reasons. Maybe we allow people to pressure us into it, or maybe we do it to spite someone else - even though we may know better. The "maybe's" are endless.

No one ever wants to be "wrong" when it comes to who we choose to love. Sometimes admitting that we made a mistake is so hard that we stay in relationships way longer than we need to...just so we don't look like failures. No one wants to think that we chose to love the wrong person - or that we loved too hard and too soon.

But it's a risk you take - you win some and you lose some. And sometimes it's no one's fault - it just wasn't meant to be. So to throw someone under the bus, especially when that someone is the mother of your two sons, is a bit much. Yes, she may have hurt him. Maybe she wasn't the person he thought she was. But that's a learning moment - a private one. Your sons will hear that song one day, and they may not appreciate that you chose to put their mother out there like that. Not everything has to be shared, and without hearing both sides of the story, it's kind of cruel. We ALL don't need to know that you fight at 6 in the morning.

While some would thrive on the "I told you so's" about Usher and Tameka Foster, it's really no one's business. And for him to say that he almost lost his mama over her...well, that's just stupid. Usher chose to love Tameka Foster. Usher chose to ignore the warnings his mother may have given him. Usher chose to fire his mother as his manager for whatever reason. Usher chose to marry this woman and have children with her. These were all HIS decisions...and no one was holding a gun to his head. If he almost lost his mother, it was his OWN doing, not hers. He should take responsibility for that - not blame it on her completely.

I'm sure as an artist, when you're going through something, your natural creative instinct is to write or sing about it. I get that. But you have to be careful when you have children to think about. Sing about moving on, sing about healing your heart, sing about continuing to be a great father - and leave the fighting and "girl you done almost made me lose my mama" stuff to yourself. Put it in a diary.

-b