Monday, December 22, 2008
What's happening my people!?
Okay, I think my cousin is crazy. Yeah, I said it. But I'll let you decide.
She's dating a new guy, a colleague from work. At first she didn't want to date him, because he was "too nice."
"He rubs my feet and stuff..." (as if that was a bad thing).
I guess he wore her down because she started seeing him.
This man treats her like a queen. Breakfast in bed. Massages her scalp. He even gave her a key to his place. "He probably treats all his women like queens."
He even gave her so much access that she managed to "accidentally" fall into his email. She found old emails from when they first started dating about a month or two ago from women who "missed him."
"What if he's messing around on me or seeing these other women too?"
Then I get a text - "his phone has a password on it, damn!"
I tell her to stop snooping. She says I call it "snooping"...she calls it "being informed." She then says she never intended on becoming the type of woman who snoops, but says when she fell upon the emails, she got a rush.
Yesterday she texts me that he has a page on Black Planet that he checks daily..."with his shirt off and chest all out."
She's killing me.
She says the reason she feels she needs to be "informed" about him is because when she asked him why he and his ex got divorced, he said "what happened between a man and his wife should stay between a man and his (ex) wife."
Now, I understand wanting to know. I'd want to know too. But I feel that she should let it go and give it some time to see where their relationship goes before attempting to have the conversation again. She wants to know NOW.
So, here we are. I am going to let you all weigh in and see what you think. I have my opinions, but I think she's tired of hearing mine :)
She calls it being "nosey." I call it being insecure. She says she's been too trusting in the past and it backfired. I say not all men are out to deceive or hurt you. She wants to know NOW what's going on. I say it's only been a couple of months. She says, "you know you can't trust no man." I say, "who's the one invading his privacy and then tell me who can't be trusted?"
She may kill me for blogging about this, but I DID tell her I was going to do it. Now it's done - and so am I. What do you think?
-b
29 comments:
FIRST!!!! lol
Now we all gots a crazy cousin! Shoot I got a million of them..LOL but that is a different blog.
I can understand her desire to want to be "informed" and I can understand her being afraid but I agree with you Brooke she should definitely give it some time before she gets all worked up. She also needs to look at it from the flip side. Has she told him EVERYTHING there is to know about her?? And how would she feel if she was being snooped on???
That's what I said! She wouldn't like it if he was looking thru her stuff, so she needs to stop. I told her to just enjoy being treated well and see where it goes. It's too soon to be going thru all this nonsense.
Your cousin doesn't want to be with this guy. She's looking for a reason to break up. First he's too nice, then she's asking why he got divoreced, granted that may be a fair question (at the appropriate time) but checking his OLD e-mails, cell phone, blackplanet page??!! If he did the same to her would she feel like he's just trying to be informed or would she tell you she has a stalker on her hands? IMHO, If she's happy in the relationship then stay. If she doesn't want to be with him then break up. Seems like she just wants to be able to say "I knew he was no good, you can't trust no man." No one is perfect so I GUARANTEE if she's looking for a reason to break up, she will find several !!! When he has moved on, she may have second thoughts.
Go 'Skins!!!
-Jay
If you go looking, you will find something...all the time - you're right Jay. I feel like if she keeps this up, she'll sabotage the relationship because he WILL find out what she's up to. Either that or she'll get inside her own head so much to the point where she'll begin to see things that aren't there.
Hee Hee Hee
Annamaria...NUT!!!
My mother used to tell me, "whatever is done in the dark will come to the light". So there's no need to snoop. Give it time, it has a way of revealing all things.
It takes A LOT of energy to be that way (snoopy) and it takes away a piece of you and the relationship you're trying to build.
One of my brothers once did some P.I. work on his girl at the time...some crazy ish!!! and I told him that the very fact that you have to do all of that should say something to you...
We all have our trust issues to some degree or another, but unless someone has given you a reason not to trust them...check yourself. We all have intuition, trust it! Listen to it! It will speak to you.
I totally agree Peggy. People, especially women, tend to have a 6th sense about these things and that saying is so true. I use it all the time. Every time I caught someone cheating on me, I wasn't looking - the information came to me in the strangest ways. It was as if God said "here, look at this." Every indiscretion was revealed to me when I least expected it - but revealed nonetheless.
EXACTLY all of you are on point. Not only that but this kinda proves the point Maliek was trying to make the other day. He said the woman he had been dating broke up with him because he was too good to be true? Since when is that a problem. We need to sit down & be honest with ourselves. We can't say we want something good then try to sabotage it once we get it. She needs to let this man go. Let him go focus all this good energy on someone who deserevs & appreciates it.
My cousin said I neglected to mention that this is the first time she's ever done anything like this before and that if we knew how many times she's been lied to and deceived by guys, then we'd understand.
Now, let me say my cousin is a great person. And she's never done this before. I don't want to paint a picture of her being a lunatic, and if I did I apologize.
BUT - we ALL have been lied to before. Many of us have been cheated on before. But that doesn't justify snooping. It's an invasion of privacy. And it's too soon for this type of behavior. If you don't trust him, then fall back slowly. We should never lower ourselves to this type of behavior, no matter what is going on. It makes you crazy. It brings about more insecurity. You'll have no peace of mind. I know it's hard to stop once you've started, but it has to stop...for your own sanity. And even if I had nothing to hide, I'd be pissed if I found out a man, who I treat like a king, was going thru my stuff. It's a violation.
she should definitely keep her eyes open but don't snoop. lol Like you ladies have already said, if he is hiding something it will eventually come out. If she feels it in her gut that he is doing something, then I say go with your gut and end it. I don't know how long they have been dating but the fact that he doesn't want to talk about his previous situation is a little suspect to me. Oh and lets not get on the fact that he actually still has a black planet page with his chest out! Black planet? really? LOL
Well, Black Planet isn't a dating site, it's a social site just like Myspace or Facebook. I don't know about the "chest all out" thing, but either way, there's no reason to check his page everyday. It'll make you crazy, make you see all kinds of things that could be innocent.
I'm not saying dude is a saint. But we don't know what's going on - he very well could be.
Maybe he feels it's too soon to be talking about what happened with his ex - maybe he's feeling her out too to see where it goes. But only she knows for real if his behavior is suspect - and if she believes it is, then she should fall back. Plain and simple.
Being lied to and decieved constantly can definitely turn you into a PI when it comes to dating. I've been there and honestly I didn't like the person I was becoming. I was constantly searching and finding exactly what I was looking for and in the end still staying in the same situation hoping that he would change. What was the point? I do know that it made me skeptical when dating other men and it made me hesitant to trust them so I get where your cousin is coming from. However, I also felt that it was a waste of my time to judge other men based on what my ex did to me. Unless a man gives me a reason to distrust him then I shouldn't treat him like someone who has done me wrong. It's not fair and I wouldn't like it if he were judging me based on a woman who broke his heart.
We all have been there. I remember I began dating a guy who always had women leaving suggestive comments on his myspace page. I'd sign in to leave him a message, only to find half naked women saying things I didn't necessarily want to read. After about a week, I signed in everyday just to see what they posted on his site. Now, these were public comments so it's not like I had to hack into his page to see them - but it still annoyed me. I know he couldn't control what other people wrote, but he had his page set up where he could approve or not approve comments..and he chose to approve all of them. I finally just deleted him as a friend so that I didn't have access anymore (his page was set to private - so once I deleted him, I would've had to add him again to read his comments). We dated for a few months after I deleted him and everything was fine and I simply enjoyed my time with him and had my peace of mind back. Turns out he WAS a jerk and was dating a lot of people while he was dating me, even though he told me he wasn't. But I found that out organically, not by snooping. Trust me, the truth will come out in due time.
Hey Brooke!!!
Does your cousin take the same amount of time and energy to catch him doing things right. You can bring so much negative energy to the table when you practice looking for the bad in someone. Seems like she wants to kick trust out the door. Also on talking about his ex...you don't know if it a painful/bad memories or what, and at 2 - 3 months in I wouldn't be thinking about breaking it down at that point ~ I would be just enjoying the times together and learning do about my new girl. My concept is to trust you until you give me a reason not to. I say bring your best self to the table ~ my guess that's what he doing for her. Maybe you have what it takes to have a success relationship ~ but it takes time to find out. Backup and focus on what she wants and do keep your eyes open...but your heart too.
Snopping is a bad thing and if you got to go there, then why bother being in a relationship with this type a person that you seem not to trust.
That's my 10 cents worth.
Your cousin has some severe trust/insecurity issues. It seems like she wants to know all about him but I can guarantee she has not shared her life story with him.
If she think you can trust no man than relationships are not built for her (at least for the time being).
All relationships and friendships are based off of trust and faith.
She is looking for outs rather than lookng into why she should be in the relationship.
At some point a convo about the ex wife should come up. But is early especially if you have not been having open conversations with one another.
Especially when you have been hurt in a relationship there can be that fear of being vulnerable. If you want true love in your life you are going to have to open up fully.
The snooping stuff is wack! Period!
It's not the first time she did it to someone. I can guarantee that as well. It will only get worse...
So what if some girl says she misses him. He can't control what comes out of someone's mouth or what someone says in an e-mail. He can only be accountable for his actions.
I can do like the movie "Clue" and tell you three different ways of how this will pan out but I won't. :)
As they say, sometimes what you want can be right in front of you but you are blind to it or just really don't want to see it.
I say she should keep it light with him. She has some work to do with herself before she can be in something serious....He may as well but we only have one side of the story.
Brooke and Maliek-Sorry about your Eagles.
Dre Lew-Your Ravens are still alive....Barely
All relationships are a risk. We always run the risk of being hurt. But great love and great success involve great risk - it's just that simple. You can't have it any other way.
If you believe all members of the opposite sex are out to hurt you, then that's what you will attract and that's exactly what will happen. You have to be the best person you can be to attract the best in someone else.
It really hurts me to see my sistas so lost. Satan has you right where he wants you.
It is complete madness. Why would you go through someone personal emails? A man's business is his and his alone. Anything done in the dark always comes to the light. The Lord will reveal all things to you without you going fishing.
If you want to fish - expect to catch a snapper! It will happen and Satan will laugh at you.
Look at the lesson Christ is trying to teach you. You are doomed to repeat it if you don't learn it the first time. Stop playing into the madness. If you want to learn about the truth in Christ. Please email me at tverdun14@yahoo.com and put Christ in the subject line.
Sistas, please come out of the world!
Your sista in Christ,
Torri (tverdun14@yahoo.com)
FIRST!!!
"Anonymous" mentioned earlier that she seems to be looking for ways to mess this relationship up. I also find it amusing when I hear the "he's too nice" statement. I guess if he ignores her and doesn't call to see how she is doing, she feels a sense of accomplishment for having to work for his attention. lol.
I have to admit, the shirt off on the Blackplanet page is suspect and if she doesn't like it tell him. Use the "shoe on the other foot" scenario. Ask him how he would feel if she had a Blackplanet page of her in a bikini or less and explain why it makes her uncomfortable. Outside of that, give him his space, have your space and enjoy the time that you share together.
If a man gives you the key to his place, you have more than likely found a man that is trying to open up to you. Give it time and he will continue to open up as the relationship progresses. The rest of the nonsense with the checking his phone, email, BP page, etc., is just counter productive and is going to destroy this relationship.
With that being said, Brooke, tell your cousin to stay off my phone, email and Blackplanet page. I don't check behind her like that so no need for her not to trust me.
(Just kidding y'all. I'm not her man. Now I'm off to oil up and take more pics for Blackplanet :)
Maliek YOU WASN'T FIRST SO SLOW YOUR ROLL OR I MAY HAVE TO TASE YOU!!! AND OIL & TASERS DON'T MIX!!!! lol
Annamaria,
I was the first person since Torri wrote her message. Now what?!?! LMAO!
Just goes to show, some women are as crazy (if not crazier) than some men...
By the way, how did she get into his e-mails anyway?
Maliek...
BBBBUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
hahahahahahaha how about that!
Annamaria,
*dialing one of my girl cousins right now.*
Maliek,
I have 8 brothers... DIAL AWAY.. You still gonna get it & chances are you gonna get your poor girl cousin tased too.
Invading someone's privacy like that is pretty awful. As it was said over and over by various people in the comments, clearly she has an issue with trust, because some foolio in the past. Isn't it innocent until proven guilty instead guilty until proven innocent.
As Maliek said, the pictures on BP are suspect. I mean, we are a bit too grown for that type of stuff, even if you are in your 20s, you really shouldn't be out there like that.
In any case, I think the relationship is on it's way to being compromised because already there is no trust, which is the glue that keeps the relationship together. I wish your cuz the best, but her behavior towards him has to change. Dude seems like he is doing his best to prove himself to her, but she is suspect of him because of past experiences. That ain't right.
Maalik
I agree with all of you. I just wanted to give her others' point of view since I've pretty much been telling her the same thing over and over. Only she knows what her gut tells her, and if she DOES go thru his stuff and finds something suspect and she stays, then going thru his stuff is a waste of time. If she doesn't find anything, it's a waste of time. Either way, it's clear she doesn't trust him - so she needs to leave him alone.
Hey...I might be a bit late...and I didn't read everyone comment...
...but if you look for dirt...you will get dirty. If she is looking for a reason...then she is already out of the relationship. He may not be telling her because it might scare her away...or maybe he has changed...and does not want to drudge up the past...he is moving on...so she should be moving with him.
It takes time to develop trust...but it seems like she does not have it. If he is going to cheat...or you suspect he is...step off while you can!! Don't wait to get confirmation...just bounce!!! Don't wait 5 years then talk about you had a "hunch"...
Be honest...and don't be sneaky...because eventually you will find what you are looking for...a way out of that relationship!!!
Sorry... hope that wasn't too much!!
Happy Holidays!!!
You're never too late! :-) And it wasn't too much, it was honest.
I love my cousin, and I want her to be happy. Sometimes telling someone the hard truth is what they need. I understand what it feels like not to trust, which is when we need to be by ourselves or have faith. I'm not perfect by any means and I don't feel I have the answer to everything - but I've learned from my past and grown from it, so I hope she will take everyone's advice to heart.
Thank you all for your input!
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