Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Happy Hump Day everyone!

So I'm contemplating writing an article for a magazine that focuses on one question - Would you mind if your man/woman was close friends with an ex? I've been thinking about this for a while now, so I wanted to get my blog family's thoughts on my research.

Let me paint the picture.

Your man (or woman) calls an ex daily - sometimes several times a day....early morning, late night, and always contacts her when you're NOT around. You've never met this "friend" - all you know about her is that he used to have feelings for her, they may or may not have slept together (they did), and he feels the "friendship" is extremely important enough to him to not let it go, despite his current girlfriend's objections. So...what would you do?

Being friends with an ex for most people can be tricky. I have exes who are friends, but I use that term lightly. We don't hang out. We don't talk on the phone. At best, we might be Facebook friends. So is that really "friendship?"

My exes are exes for a reason. That's not to say I think they are bad people, or that they were bad boyfriends. It just didn't work out for one reason or another. But none of my exes are on a level with me where I still call them to confide any personal details of my life. I've moved on.

I know for some, ending a relationship can be painful...and depending on who did the breaking up, we might even feel guilty. The thought of never speaking to a person you once shared your body with, as well as any emotional connection, can be scary for some people because it means you have to move on - so they feel that holding on to a platonic relationship is better than losing that person completely. But at what point does holding on to your past cost you your future?

This is the part where I want you all to weigh in.

I know some of you need more information - like do the exes share children, did a betrayal occur, was the breakup amicable and mutual, or was one person blindsided? Are both parties still attracted to each other? What will the nature of the friendship be if you decide to remain friends? Will you still have bowling nights? Feel free to imagine any scenario.

So...what say you? Is it cool to remain friends with an ex, especially if you have a new boo in your life, or do you stay away from them and move on? Should your current boyfriend or girlfriend understand and not be insecure about your friendship with your ex, or should you do more to make sure he or she feels secure? Let's hear it!



The Cable Guy said...


The Cable Guy said...

Okay, from a man's point of view, let me keep it all the way one hunnid.

In that scenario you painted where dude was calling ole girl behind his current girl's back, I'd advise the new girl to be out. If he's never introduced this ex to his new girl, then he's still hittin' it. Period. End of story.

First of all, there's no ex that I want to be THAT close of friends with. Unless we share kids, there's no need to talk to an ex every day. And if my current girl isn't cool with it, then that's all that needs to be said - unless of course I still want in on the buns from the ex. Otherwise, keep it moving.

The only women I remain friends with are women I've never slept with...or women who are married to my boys or some ish like that. Every time I've remained "friends" with an ex is because I wanted to string her ass along until I was realy to move on to someone else, and be able to stay up on what she was doing so I could still hit.

Any dude that can't let his ex go, even when he has a NEW chick, is up to no good...especially if he's keeping these women apart.

Trust...he's still fuckin' the ex.

Stef said...

How did Cable Guy get to be first??

If my man was still close friends wwtih an ex, and he knew I objected to it, but remained friends anyway, I'd leave him. I'm sure I'd have a good reason for my objections since I'm typically not a jealous person, so that would mean he didn't give a shit about my feelings. If he wants to be friends with her that bad, she can keep him.

I never understood the whole "let's be friends" thing right after a breakup. I can't think of one ex I'd want in my close circle again after we broke up. Like you said, they're an ex for a reason. I don't have kids, so maybe that' the only scenario where I'd still be in an ex's life. But as for calling and shit? Hell no.

And if my man is calling an ex BEHIND MY BACK, then he's a trifling, no good man that can't be trusted...cuz if the friendship is THAT important to you, you'd make sure I meet her. If not, then he's hiding something. I'd run for the hills!

Mr. Nice Guy said...

Gotta agree with Cable Guy on this one. Women can remain friends with an ex I think better than a man can. Men still want sex, women can separate it.

And in that first picture you painted, dude would be up to no good if he can't let the ex go, talks to her everyday AND never introduces his new woman to the ex. If the friendship is that important to you, you'd make sure your new girl feels secure and therefore you'd introduce them, have the ex over for dinner, SOMETHING. By keeping the ex separate, you're telling your new woman that you don't give a shit about her feelings. And she would be right to bounce on you - or worse, find a few "friends" of her own.

Jaz said...

@Mr. Nice Guy,

That's what I was thinking. I'd let my man be friends with his ex, but I'd be finding my "own friends" to hang out with. Two can play that game!

Anthony Otero said...

No. They cannot be friends. Imagine the argument as it is with just men and women being friends and now add sex and a break up in the mix. It is not a good idea.

With that being said, there is the divorce thing. The only why that either person could be friends in this scenario would have to be children and to a lesser extent, pets.

I have tried the whole friend thing with exes and the x-wife and it does not work. You begin to see why they are in your past and if you can't see that then there will be some problems.

My current gf is not friends with any past bfs and I think I would have an issue because I know how men think. lol

Anonymous said...

Interesting - Unless there's a child involved... I don't think they should keep in constant contact. Once a branch is broken it's best to cut it completely off, in order for the rest of that tree of life to blossom and grow.

Courtney said...

If my man calls an ex everyday, they better have a child together, that's all I gotta say about that.

I'm supposed to be his woman, which means he has no reason to confide anything to an ex. If they still have that relationship, then they're both holding on to something.

I've been in that situation before, and even though his ex knew about me, he never introduced us and she always held out hope that we'd break up so she could get him back. He broke up with her, but because they remained friends, she always felt that she "had him first."

Their close friendship eventually led to the end of our relationship. He treasured her over me, so I had to go. So to answer your question, no, my man can't be close friends with an ex.

The Cable Guy said...

So B...the man you're seeing is close friends with his ex huh? LOL!

If so, then let me be YOUR "friend." See how he likes it.

Most men have this "macho" thing going on where they don't want anyone telling them who they can be friends with. That's bullshit.

If a man loves his woman, all other women will be let go. Period.

Jay said...

I'd cut off ALL women for Brooke ;)

Seriously, I have to agree with all said here today. Anyone who has that strong of a connection with an ex has no busines in a new relationship with anyone new. It's not fair to the new person. You can argue "insecurity" all you want, but at the end of the day, it's a man's job to protect his woman's heart, and a woman should do the same. Once you enter into a new relationship, the new person's feelings trump the ex's, and it's your job to make them feel secure. If not, it's doomed to fail.

Keep your past in your past. And like Ant said, men need to be really honest with themselves on how comfortable they'd feel if the situation were reversed. I know how men think too - and holding on to an ex means you still wanna hit.

Domina*Tricks said...

Most times, when I stayed friends with an ex, it was for the wrong reason. Either I wanted us to get back together, so I took whatever "friendship" he gave me, or I did the breaking up and felt guilty, so I stayed friends with that person in order to not feel bad that I hurt them, to let him down "easy."

Both are stupid. And all it does is either prolong your pain or the other person's pain. It's best to have a clean break and deal with it. I lost a good guy once because I didn't let a friendship with an ex go, and I'll never do that again.

A-buzzz said...

My husband has TWO kids with his EX WIFE and still doesn't call her every day. AND when he DOES call her it's not to talk to her it's to talk to HIS KIDS.. If there was ANY similarities to this scenario he wouldn't have ever become my husband F THAT.

Second of all any man that goes to those lengths to do any of those things is sleeping with that other woman. And I'm sorry but it is UNACCEPTABLE.
The same way my husband would tase me with my own taser if I behaved like this. And I wouldn't blame him.

Anonymous said...

Brooke, I hope this blog question isn't coming from personal experience, because if so, your man is cheating on you.

The Cable Guy said...


That's what I thinking, in which case, she either needs to leave him, or get a few "friends" of her own. I can be all the friend she needs!

Stef said...

let's not jump to conclusions - Brooke is a very smart girl.

But if it IS from personal experience, girl, get YOU some friends :-)

A-buzzz said...

I doubt this is from experience because Brooke don't put up with that BS. She will cut a nucca off for less. LOL

BUT if by some stroke of a miracle it is...... she knows I will tase a mofo.

Stef said...

LMAO!! I'll tase him too!

What it comes down to is basic respect. If a man loves AND respects you, he will not do anything that would make you unhappy.

Anonymous said...

Brookey, I'll be your "friend" :)

Any dude who would let some other chick come between him and YOU is a fool that you're better off without.

That's if this story is about you that is :)

Yolanda said...

I concur. I can't co-sign the friend thing. I know people should be secure in themselves and their relationships, yaada yaada...but I know myself and it would probably drive me nuts to wonder what they taumbout, why he always callin' huh?, can't she go get a man, etc...

Yeah, I'd need them to reduce (NOT END), but really reduce that friendship.

Brooke said...

Thank you for all the input everyone! This should make for an interesting article :-)

Serena W. said...

WOW I'M LATE LOL! I concur with what was said. I'm friends with one ex and we are FB friends, no reason to be chatting it up on the phone. We broke up in 96 and I didn't speak to him for over 10 years.

If you broke up with that person then move on! I agree with the dudes on here, that guy is still sleeping with her. He wants his cake and eat it too.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm a few days late...but my response is the scenario you just painted I'd saay "NO"...that guy clearly is cheating! Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally! The new boo is a DUMMY if she don't see that! How long before he got with this new boo was he apart from the ex? From how it sounds, dude probably jumped from the old relationship right into the new one. Also does the ex know he's in a new relationship...probably not if they're always talking all times of the day and night! Bottom'd be over!! Especially if you've expressed how you felt about the situation...he clearly doesn't care about your feelings!! Or he cares about hers

Stef said...

the last anonymous is taking this hypothetical scenario rather serious isn't she? Sounds personal, LOL!

Maybe this has happened to you? awww, woo woo woo! :)

Courtney said...

@Stef and Anonymous,

I think the ex would be an even BIGGER dummy, because why entertain someone you're not with anymore? If he has a new boo, then the ex is a disrespectful bitch who is holding on to pipe dreams. Both of them would need to go cuz both trifling asses would deserve each other.

Anonymous said...

This sounds like a personal issue as opposed to a quetion for an article. Because men and women can be friends, whether they are an ex or not, they can be friends. At times people break up because their relationship wasn't meant to be on that level, but they can remain friends because they had a bond of friendship.

If the current girlfriend (Brooke) has an issue with that relationship then she needs to check her baggage, and see why she has an issue. Is it because she was once the ex (Brooke); that got back with her ex (the boyfriend) and now she is insecure because she (Brooke) finds that her boyfriend (the old ex) is now befriending his new ex???????????????????????????????????????????? Makes you wonder what is the motive? This is why we as women need to watch and be careful what we do and what we say to others. We have to mind our actions towards each other, because when Karma comes back to you, and the shoe is on the receiving end of the nonsense, then you want to post blogs and get opinions, when what you really should have done was checked your baggage at the door and dealt with your now man, because trust and believe the EX doesn't want nothing to do with what WAS, because the EX is nine times out of ten looking for WHAT'S NEW!!!! Unlike some other misfortunate ex's who go back like a dog in heat for what she thought was GOOD only to find out that that old dog still got the same old tricks...OH WELL!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Brooke~this article has a personal undertone...did this happen to u? Hard to believe that educated woman are still "thirsty" enough to stay with a man who clearly wants his cake& eat it too!! SMH

Brittni said...

Personally, I'd let my boyfriend remain friends with an ex - because I am friends with basically every guy I dated. Now, I'm pretty young and inexperienced. I'll admit it. But still.

I am friends with exes, because it works for us. We were friends before we dated, and we can stay friends afterwards.

There are exceptions though. If the girl broke up with my current boyfriend, I might be a bit more weary. And if it is like the scene you painted (him keeping us apart, always calling when I am not around, ect.) then no. I am not going to be happy about it. Because I see no good, innocent reason for my boyfriend to want to keep his ex / friend and I apart. Just like if a boyfriend were to keep ANY female friend deliberately away from me. It just makes me assume something shady could be going on.

But if he just invites her to come hang out in a group with him, our friends, and I, it's perfectly fine. If he calls her every once in a while, texts, wishes her a happy birthday, so be it. I really don't care if it is a completely open friendship.

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Anonymous said...

well i have to say this just happened to me :( He chose to stay friends and told me i was acting irrational and insecure. Even though he left his last gf for her wtf

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