Monday, April 11, 2011
Happy Monday!
So take a look at this clip before we get to the question of the day:
No, the question of the day isn't "why do men cheat?". Men AND women cheat...and for myriad reasons. We'd be here all day...and we've been there and done that.
What I want to know from men is: Do you think you are you expected to cheat? Do men expect this of each other? Are you taught that cheating is manly? Is monogamy a respected trait - or were you taught that being monogamous means you're p*ssy whipped or a chump?
I understand that men may have been taught that sleeping with a million women makes them THE MAN. Alpha male, virile, a stud...whatever. And there's nothing wrong with that. Knock off as many chicks as you like. Women, you can do your thang too...even though the double standard makes us hoes if we do the same thing. But that's a blog that I've probably already done for another day.
But being monogamous is quite something else, and I'm curious to know if men assume other men cheat as well - and if cheating is frowned upon by men in general.
So let's hear it guys...is cheating something that is celebrated, or considered a non-factor among men - or is there something to be said for being a man with self control and can be a one woman man?
Go!
-b
41 comments:
first bitches
FIRST BITCHES!
DAMN! Ant got me!
I won't say that I was "TAUGHT" to cheat, but I've seen men in my family do it over and over again, so it becomes a non-factor to some of us if we see it alot. I was always taught to respect women, so cheating doesn't fall in line with that. I was told to have sex as much as I could, be safe about it, but don't hurt anyone and treat women how I'd want to be treated.
And, in my opinion, a man who can be faithful is a strong man. It's hard to be faithful, so the dude that has been with his wife for 35 years and NEVER cheated, gets all my respect.
Now I actually saw this clip when it aired and just shook my head at the screen. I don't expect a man to cheat but at the same time if he does I'm not surprised. I think women EXPECT it more than men do. They may have their valid reasons but I don't think we look at other dudes and expect it.
Good question B.
Unfortunately, many men in our community don't respect monogamy. We see our mothers and sisters being cheated on and after a while, even if we don't like it or respect it, we tend to repeat it.
My father and mother are still together, married over 20+ years, but my father cheated on my mother once and it devastated her. I vowed never to cause another woman that pain, even though my mother forgave him and he's been straight since (at least to MY knowledge he has been). I know marriage and monogamy is hard, but I don't think there's a man alive who wouldn't respect a man who has the control to say that he's going to be faithful. I think it's a respectable trait to have.
That's why I'm not that mad at Diddy. He isn't married, and can sex whoever he wants an the women in his life know he's not ready to settle down and be monogamous. Be honest with yourself and the people you're dealing with. If you can't be monogamous, then don't get married or get into a relationship. If you choose to get into one, be a man about it and stay faithful.
I love Jay! :)
I feel men are expected to cheat.......by women! We usually have to break that barrier based on her past experiences or what she heard from her girlfiends.
As from a man's standpoint, I do not feel thats the case. You hit the nail on the head when you said men think men should go for the gusto and slay em all. But, I feel that he doesn't have to wife her up and get her all emotional to do it. As long as they both keep it real from jump, no issues.....hopefully...unless someone catches feelings.
Now, on another note, do we really know when you are in a committed realtionship? We don't check yes or no on those little notes anymore so there is always that grey area where its questionable. But if we are talking about you knowingly have your girl committed and doing your thing on the side, just to say you got one on the side when everything is cool at home, my vote is not cool.
@Midnight,
I agree - I think women expect it more than other men do. Men probably don't even think about it. I'm never surprised when I hear of a man cheating, but I don't expect all men to, and I don't think all me do. I think being monogamous makes you more of a man than any dude who's bedded a thousand women.
Hey Fam!! I hope everyone had a good weekend!!!
I think people cheat because they want too.. Its not taught or forced or anything like that.. It soley depends upon that individual, man or woman. I am NOT a fan of cheating. I have never cheated in my life and I never will , I have too much respect for myself. I have been cheated on. AND its very painful and takes a long time to get past. So I could never inflict that same pain onto someone else even if that did it to me. I dont believe in that once a cheater always a cheater factor either. Thats non sense.. Men get beat down too much with that " ALl men Cheat" stereotype. Its nto fair, and its not true.. but I tip my hat off to any man or woman that does not cheat on their mate.. Hi' Five.. :)
@Powerz
That's a great question - when do you know you're in a relationship? I think most men wouldn't think cheating is cool, but some of them do it without realizing it because they don't consider themselves in a relationship in the first place.
But if you KNOW you are, then cheating is no good - and I think most men don't think it's cool - they just don't care if other men do it or not.
personally, this is the dumbest shit I ever heard. That is just giving men a pass to do whatever they want.
I wasn't taught to cheat, I was just too dumb to realize that I should have never gotten married.
1. @POWERZ: FYI...YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP...If ya didn't know now ya know! LMAO
2. @CABLEGUY: I AGREE WITH YOU 100%
Hi, everyone!
Just wanted to say I'm feeling Captain Cable and Hov's comments on the issue. As far as men being expected to cheat - while I won't say that is a definite expectation for men, I WILL say it doesn't meet the same reaction from many that a woman cheating does. In a lot of cases...
Where you been Rameer!? LOL! We missed you!
Brooke, I can kinda guess from teh tone of your blog that you might not expect all men to cheat - but what's your answer?
Welcome back Rameer - missed your commentary lately.
Personally I don't think that men are expected to cheat...I just think we're so conditioned to hear that they do it doesn't surprise us anymore...
What kills me is a few months back when a big deal was mad of Rex Ryan's freakiness with his wife.. I was shocked that everyone was getting sooo worked up over the stuff he was doing with his wife..LOL Guaranteed had that been some pay by the hour chick OR a trick working at Hooters no one would have batted an eyelash BUT OMG he was getting freaky with his WIFE..LOL
I don't expect or assume that all men cheat or will cheat. I'd even venture to say that I know a few who I think would NEVER cheat - my brother-in-law being one of them.
I know anything is possible, and that temptation is everywhere. But it's a choice - not something you're destined to do.
@Annamaria,
I agree! If licking his wife's toes is the only way his freaky ass can remain faithful, then I'm all for it! Keep it spicy! LOL!
I think all men have the potential to, even your brother in law Brooke, just because of their makeup. Men are taught to spread their seed and populate the eath, hard to do with just one woman.
@Stef...exactly... I was like Rex has my UPMOST respect.. cuz rather than be out there with every chick in America he's getting freaky with HIS WIFE...
@Anonymous,
EVERYone has the potential to cheat. Men and women do it alike, for similar or very different reasons. Temptation is shared by everyone, not just men. I'm sure my brother-in-law faces many temptations daily - he's human, just like the rest of us. But like I said, it's a decision - a choice you make - on what you do when faced with that temptation.
I believe my brother-in-law would never cheat because he has integrity. He's not afraid of getting caught, he's afraid of God. He believes adultery is a sin, which is why he won't do it. That doesn't mean he's not tempted, or doesn't have the POTENTIAL to do it - it simply means I believe he'll make the best choice for HIM and his beliefs.
As for populating the earth, Diddy seems to be doing a great job in doing his part without cheating on anyone. Being with a lot of women and spreading your seed is one thing, cheating is another.
We are supposed to be evolved in that unlike most animals, we have the ability to make choices. We can go against nature and decide to be monogamous or not. Hell, some animals (male and female) ARE monogamous.
That being said, I think cheating can definitely be encouraged among men. I've heard men I know in barbershops, and even in some of my own circles, tell other men that they should get some on the side if their girl or wife "ain't acting right." Women even cosign this by saying "well, if his girl or wife were doing her JOB then he wouldn't need to be with me." That's probably why some women EXPECT men to cheat, cuz their trifling asses are the ones waiting in line when men DO decide to cheat. Not only is it hard for some met NOT to cheat, it's hard for some women not to be the one they cheat WITH.
There is no doubt that there is a culture encouraging men to be players. I agree with Tyrese. He wasn't saying it was okay, he was saying that the culture in this country encourages infidelity. In high-school my name was "D-Love". I didn't give that label to myself; my friends and acquaintances gave me that label (including women). All my male friends who had multiple women weren't vilified, they were celebrated.
It's really a strange paradox. The more women I had floating around me, the more women wanted me. In my highschool, college, and post-college years everything around me was pointing down the path of having more than one women. From my male friends, to my cultural environment, not to mention media entertainment. Even the best of men will second guess their willingness to NOT cheat with a culture that is hyper-sexualized and squarely focused on a loose sexual environment.
This is a really a heavy subject of sexual evolution as it pertains to culture and our surrounding environment. Some suggested reading:
Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature by Matt Ridley
Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality by Gail Dines
Thanks for the reading material Malik, I'll definitely check these out.
@Malik- Always looking for good reading material, thanks!!
Yeah - I'll need to grab those books, too. Thanks, Ox!
What up, Stef and Captain Cable! What up, everyone!
damn, Jay and Ox broke it down!
Thx yawl. Peace fi di biggups. At the root of this is how culture shapes our values. Where the evolutionary needle begins and ends becomes distorted by the principles that become selected in and out over time. Remember, evolution, which is the adaptation of our current environment (not the necessarily a model of change for the betterment of the individual) also includes our sexual identity.
The danger lies in discounting how our environment moves the cultural needle to the left or right. I'm not going to take a "Delores Tucker" approach and throw hip hop under the bus, but we should have a discussion about sexuality as it pertains to how contemporary imagery and language can usurp cultural values that have been set in stone for the last 100 years.
As Alan Moore said:
“History is a heat. It is the heat of accumulated information and accumulated complexity. As our culture progresses we find that we gather more and more information and that we slowly start to move almost from a fluid to a vaporous state as we approach the ultimate complexity of a social boiling point. I believe that our culture is turing to steam."
I believe we are in a culture of steam. New cultural tsunamis are creating sea changes within ourselves and our environment exponentially. As Redman said, better "Watch Yo Nuggets". The old guard of sexuality has splintered into a universe of many sub-cultures competing for legitimacy.
Maybe that can be your next guest blog :-)
Brooke, this might sound strange, but ever since you suggested writing a post on the science of human love and evolution, I've been working it.
That was almost 3 years ago (yes I've been working on it up to now and almost 15 books later). I'm going to turn it into a white paper, but I'll put a section of the white paper on your blog and people can download the full pdf.
I'm somewhat relentless about this because I want to set the record straight from a evolutionary and cultural science perspective. There is is too much hearsay out there.
I'm almost there...I'm now breaking down all the 200 excerpts I've accumulated and putting it all together. Thanks for the inspiration.
that's great, can't wait to read it!
Probably too late for this but I have seen the word "Adultery" a lot in these comments. I wonder how many realize that in God's eyes, having sex while NOT married is a sin as well? Some would even say they fall under the definition of Adultery. Gotta be careful when judging.
@Anonymous,
I think I'm the only person who used the word adultery in my comments, and since I was talking about someone who is married, that's why I used that term.
But I don't think I was judging at all. I was simply stating what my brother-in-law's beliefs are. Some don't think having sex with other people while married (or even before marriage) is a sin at all - especially if you're not a religious person - so it's all about what you believe individually and what works best for each person...which I believe I stated.
I don't think the majority of these comments were judgmental. I think most people were simply answering the question that was asked.
I agree with Brooke and I double checked how many times adultery was used and it was just by Brooke, so I'm not sure where the "a lot" is coming from. I think the context of this discussion is not on the morality of infidelity, but on how we are socially impacted by evolutionary shifts in societal values.
I'm Muslim, so I do believe that cheating is a sin, but that's not the core of the discussion. What I one person believes and what others believe is a whole separate discussion, which usually leads to an ideological stalemate because people have their own personal preferences on how they want to treat each other.
Just to circle back a bit, I want to put this white paper together so we all understand what is happening scientifically. How do cultural values shift from generation to generation? Why do human engage in behavior that is counter productive to the health of their future relationships? How does media impact our social values? How has our sexual identity evolved over the last 10000 years? What worked then, and what worked now? Why are things changing? Before we can get into any religious merits we have to understand what is happening on the ground. Unfortunately a moral argument is not substantial enough for today's environment because there are ideas that are competing for people's attention, for better or for worse.
I can't wait for this white paper Malik - very interesting questions asked and I'm curious to read how we've evolved over the years as it pertains to sexuality culturally, as well as individually.
Bullshit! plain and simple bullshit. Everyone that commented on this blog did so in a negative manner. Religious or not, premarital sex and adultery is viewed by some as wrong and others as okay. It is a personal choice how you choose to live. Everyone that made negative comments is being judgmental.
Um...yeah, and you're not judging US are you? whatever.
The question was are men expected to cheat...not just by women, but by other men. And people answered the question. I think you should go back and re-read some of the comments - particularly mine. My first comment was:
"I don't expect or assume that all men cheat or will cheat. I'd even venture to say that I know a few who I think would NEVER cheat - my brother-in-law being one of them.
I know anything is possible, and that temptation is everywhere. But it's a choice - not something you're destined to do.
...that comment is negative how?
Cable Guy's comment was:
"I won't say that I was "TAUGHT" to cheat, but I've seen men in my family do it over and over again, so it becomes a non-factor to some of us if we see it alot. I was always taught to respect women, so cheating doesn't fall in line with that. I was told to have sex as much as I could, be safe about it, but don't hurt anyone and treat women how I'd want to be treated.
And, in my opinion, a man who can be faithful is a strong man. It's hard to be faithful, so the dude that has been with his wife for 35 years and NEVER cheated, gets all my respect."
Again I ask, how is his response to the question negative? Where is he judging?
I can list more comments, but I think you get the point. I think you're reading more into the comments than is there. No one is saying cheating is right or wrong, and the blog isn't about anyone in particular - it's a QUESTION. So who are we judging? All I asked is if men expect other men to cheat - that's all.
And everyone judges. It's human nature. If I asked you what you thought of the man who nearly severed his girlfriend's head off the other day - chances are you'd have something "negative" to say about him. But the man who did the killing probably didn't think he was wrong, or may not believe murder is a sin. Would you say that we were wrong for judging him if asked if we thought what he did was wrong? I think not.
Brooke, why are you responding to this fool? Clearly he or she can't read, especially if he/she is seeing the word "adultery" in "alot of comments" even though you're th only person who used that word. They're either dense, or just trying to bait you by talking out their ass.
Your comment wasn't negative, neither was mine, or Courtney's, or Jaz's, the list goes on...Hell, Geeque commented and all he said was he's always looking for good reading material, so for anonymous to say EVERYONE who commented did so in a negative manner shows how illiterate he must be.
He's just trying to start shit or have the last word. Let him have it, he's clearly in his own head.
For once I agree with Cable Guy - anonymous is just being stupid, clearly.
a "negative" response to the question would be "yes...I expect all men to cheat." But the majority of people who responded said that they DON'T expect men to cheat - both men AND women. So how are the responses negative? Whether you think cheating is right or wrong, everyone answered the question at hand. If you think cheating is okay, that's a judgment against those who think it's a sin. If you think it's a sin, that's a judgment against those who don't. Everyone has an opinion, and therefore a judgement, about everything. That's how we get our belief system. NO one is saying that those who cheat are wrong, they're saying what works for THEM...and that they believe being faithful is a valued trait. Anyone who read otherwise in these comments is delusional.
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