Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Happy Hump Day!
Unicorns, Mermaids, Platonic Friends - do they really exist?
Sure they do...in our own little make-believe world they do :)
Okay, okay...let me tone down my sarcasm, but I know most of us have asked whether or not a man and woman (both heterosexual-reasonably attractive-around the same age- living within 50 miles of each other) can just be friends. Some say no, so let's break down the reasons why...
We've see it happen - boy approaches girl, and girl is charmed by his subtly (effeminate masculinity) non-threateningly, secure heterosexuality. He speaks proper English, notices when you have on new earrings, and watches all your favorite shows (Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy and any other show a man with machismo would never admit to watching). Boy and girl exchange numbers, and after about a month of meeting at Barnes & Noble and shopping at the mall, they become...friends. Not lovers. Not even the awkward “friends with benefits” - simply friends. Boy and girl are each other's permanent back-up weekend companions - and you never, eva, EVA cross that line. EVER!
So yeah, like mermaids and unicorns, we're aware that the likelihood that two (available, like-aged, opposite sexed, (hetero)sexual) people who are strictly platonic friends ACTUALLY EXISTS is...well...ridiculous. Right? Let's explore the reasons:
1. Unless you meet online (or maybe in college), men and women don’t usually actively seek friends of the opposite sex. I've always had male friends - I even prefer them. But I've never become just friends with an available, heterosexual male that I find attractive just because. The majority of my male friends are married or unavailable or gay, or are co-workers who I don't find attractive. Simple as that.
2. If given the opportunity, most men (not all, but a good number) who aren’t in a committed and monogamous romantic relationship will sleep with pretty much any reasonably attractive woman. Yes. ANY. And if you're already friends, even better! They may not actively want to, but, in the right situation, they happily would. The fact they they “would” kinda contradicts the whole "platonic" thing. :-) Maybe not completely contradicts it, but you get the idea.
Ladies, I know what you're thinking - because I thought the same thing:
“Well, what if the guy harbors absolutely no physical attraction at all towards the woman?? They can be platonic friends, right?“
Wrong! why? because...
3. No unattached man is going to willingly spend a good amount of his free time with a woman he is completely unattracted to, Never. Especially when you consider that...
4. (Most) women aren’t equipped to handle regular contact with a guy who finds her completely unattractive and she's aware of it. Now, this isn't coming from me - a man I know told me not to argue this. He said it’s science :-) Debatable, but something to think about...besides....
5. ...even if you claim to be in the 0.1 percent of people where there’s absolutely no romantic or sexual feelings harbored by either side in your platonic relationship, you have to figure in the law of averages and percentages. Basically, if you spend more than 20% of your free time with someone of the opposite sex willingly, there’s at least a 50% chance that at least one of you will develop sexual feelings...or already has developed them but fears that they would be unrequited. The higher the percentage of free time, the higher the chance. If you spend anywhere over 40 percent of your free time with a platonic friend, then there’s anywhere from a 100 to 250 percent chance that someone wants to bed somebody. Again, don't argue. Its science.
Since I’ve already established that we don’t actively seek opposite sex friends while we’re single, the only way two people can become truly platonic friends would be if they happened to first meet each other while already in a relationship, which is kinda hard to do considering...
6. No man or woman is going to be okay with their significant other making new, close friends of the opposite sex. You know this. Bring up your new, opposite sex friend's name more than once and your partner will be looking at you sideways like "who the hell is this chick/dude you're always talking about/talking to?" Sure, you can talk about your new, gay BFF all day long, cuz they're not a threat. But if you keep your new opposite sex friend a secret cuz your partner would flip if he knew you were IMing, texting, calling, secretly dreaming about him, then there's nothing platonic about it - you just can't do anything about it...at the moment. Well, without getting caught that is ;)
Now, I know you all think that this is a jaded view of platonic friendship. And I'm sure cases of platonic friendships exist...somewhere. :-) All I know is that out of my experiences, and those of my close friends, we've all tried (at least once) to have the very close, strictly platonic friend thing - only for someone to catch feelings, flirt, have one night of drinking or crying on a shoulder, resulting in some very...uh...“unplatonic” things happening. But hey, that's just me. Not saying platonic friends don't exist, but then again, when was the last time you saw a unicorn? ;-)
-b
41 comments:
FIRST BITCHES!!!!!!!!!! LMAO
She's back on top!!! LOL!!
I believe in Mermaids, Unicorns & platonic friends... I have lots of male friends some single that I would never get with & that I am not their type...although my boyfriend thinks everyone wants me...LMAO
That's my favorite place to be! LMAO ; )
Yes, but keep in mind, I'm not talking about guys that you're not attracted to, or they're not attracted to YOU. They probably WOULD still sleep with you, you just don't know it!
That's why I put all those qualifiers in the blog - single, you both find each other attractive, around the same age, heterosexual people. I'm not talking about the dude who you don't find attractive...we all know that's why he's in the friend zone. I'm talking about what INITIALLY attracts two people to become friends...or wind up being freinds.
ok my pregnant unemployed ass is off to the spa now. I'll chat with you people later!!!! :)
You are the most CHILLIN'est, pampered, unemployed woman I know! Fly diva! Have fun!
Yes I got my baby daddy to thank for that. He got me a gift cert for my b-day...LOL.
He suggested I go this week so I'd be relaxed for mommy's day...
Gotta love him. I'll enjoy it.
XOXOXO
From a male point of view a Platonic relationship is only possible if you are completely unatracted to the person of the opposite sex. Outside of that..it's on! Like if you see them as a sister or relative..it is not going down...Zaaaaaaaaaay Buge!
Everything you wrote is true. The only people who would remotely argue this stuff are gays and women. Seriously. You have been told good advice, cuz you've covered all bases.
I have TONS of female friends...so much so that guys who aren't too close to me are usually like "WTF?" Especially since these females are ridiculously comfortable around me. But the great majority of them fall into 2 categories:
1. We messed around/dated/had a relationship and it ran it's course, or
2. The woman had a relationship with a guy I'm very close to.
In the case of option #2, me and my male peoples have an iron-clad rule - u don't go there with a homie's ex. Period. So, if the girl still has a good relationship with said homie, most times she has a good relationship with me - I tend to be the one who gets along with women the best, and they usually KNOW there is NOTHING that can make me cross the line.
It's only been in the past few years that I've met women who I'm cool with and we've NEVER had a romantic relationship or they DIDN'T smash a homie. And, even in that case, Brooke's #2 rule is in effect - I won't push it, I have no agenda, and I'm not TRYING to - but you put me in that position, and I'll put YOU in some positions. Feel me?
This was a real talk blog today, Ms. Brookes. Kudos.
It’s been a long time….
I have had discussions about this on numerous occasions and then I was introduced to the ladder theory (http://www.laddertheory.com/) I can’t say that I totally agree with this theory but there are some valid points that have changed my thoughts on this. Brooke – with the spending time ratio you definitely bring up an excellent point that I never considered. I have come to the conclusion that for me the men that I meet later in life are not looking for friendship. However, the friendships from elementary, middle school, HS and college tend to be more genuine to me. Or at least that is what I would like to think….
Yay! I got the "Rameer seal of approval" for this blog today. I knew you'd have something to say or add to it, so glad I hit all the bases.
But if anyone can think of any more reasons why platonic friendships can't really exist in the scenarios I've given - OR IF YOU THINK THEY CAN - then feel free to add your own!
Kat! I missed your comment when I was responding to Rameer. I think once friendships have been established from childhood or college, they fall into a different category, because they're no longer "trying" to get with you, they've accepted the friendship as it is.
I know a lot of women who "wake up" later and discover that the dude who was "hanging in there" all those years in the friend zone is quite a catch and falls in love later. I'll have to do a blog on Nice Guys vs. Assholes later, but men who willingly fall into the friend zone, and hang in there anyway, are usually the Nice Guys who don't come in last...it just SEEMS that way.
Kat - no disrespect - but even those school buddies you named...they all fit underneath what Brooke laid out. And you're deluding yourself if you think otherwise.
I once proved to a girl that all men have similar thoughts on the issue. I won't say how, cuz every dude on this blog would cry foul, but we made a MAJOR bet, and I specifically proved that her pastor, male friends and even her father all thought along similar lines. She was shocked...but I don't ever understand why a woman is shocked when men tell them how we are or think. I NEVER argue or disagree with females who tell me "that's just the way we are". In fact, I call my female friends any time their are things I don't get (I usually don't have to do this, though).
Your friends are either in relationships, gay, or think you are completely unattractive. Oh, and ladies - one of the most bullsh*t things any man can say to you is "you're like my little sister". BULL-SHIZZLE!
I don't look at or notice MY sister like THAT...
Brooke - don't be fooled. I know plenty of women I went to school with...when we grew up, I was like "Lil' ----- ain't little NO MO'!!!" as many men do. Trust - grammar school and high school ain't got ish to do with ish.
Oh no, I'm not fooled. I'm not saying they can't look at you differently. I'm saying that they probably treid to get with you back then too, but for some reason the girl deaded that and they've moved on :) All of my childhood guy friends tried to get with me at some point, and simply gave up and now we're friends - and they're married or with someone else. I'm not saying they never thought of me that way, just said they stopped trying :) LOL!!
I'd almost have to agree on every point. I'll even add that most likely a guy and a girl won't end up being good friends UNLESS one or the other were attracted to the other at some point. It just is what it is.
I want to say that I feel that this was taken out of a scene from "When Harry Met Sally", where Harry looks over to Sally and says...Men and Women can never truly be friends because the sex part will always get in the way".
I go back and forth on this issue because I prefer female friends to males. Don't get me wrong, I have my boys who I can go to Games with, but for the most part I prefer to talk to women.
With that being said, this becomes a slippery slope. Sure, guys want to sleep with a woman, that is a no brainer. I think that what separates true friends with friends that sleep with each other is maturity and willpower.
Sure, there may be a woman friend I would love to sleep with, but I understand what might happen if we do. If I truly care not lose that fundamental friendship then I wont.
Hi everyone I'm back!!! Relaxed and rested! Very interesting topic! I have guy friends but I was never attracted to any of them and if they were ever attracted to me I don't know. Now the ones that I was once attracted too or vice versa and it fell through the cracks, etc we aren't really friends. More like associates. It just panned out like that.
I don't think I can name ONE true CLOSE male friend I have that wasn't attracted to me at some point, or vice versa. They all became friends by some kind of default...either we weren't single at the same time, or I dated one of their friends 15 years ago, or the attraction wasn't mutual, they went on a knocked somebody up and now have a crazy baby mama...the reasons why are endless...but I never set out to befriend some random guy just cuz I needed a new friend. And like Serena, if I'm friends with a guy that doesn't fall in that category, we're not REAL friends...just associates, like my male co-workers.
I'm with Ant...I prefer females by far. It's not even close! Other than my main crew, the people I hang with and spend time with are all females. Always been that way. Probably always will be...
Ant's also right about the maturity and willpower thing. My friend Bridget is gorgeous, but she knows I would never make a move or try anything with her - that's my homegirl, for real! But she also knows not to cross that line - cuz I AM a man...lol!
So why haven't you tried to get with Bridget, what makes her a homegirl vs. a potential girlfriend? Or did she put YOU in the friend zone?
When I met her, I was attracted like most men, and we really connected - she's good peoples. At the time, I was messin' with someone, and I'm no cheater...by the time that relationship was over, she was in one...we just wound up becoming the tightest of friends.
...until she and her man break up :) LOL!!
They DID break up...so that kills YOUR theory!
I was waiting on you...but you broke my heart...
***cues up Usher's "Final Goodbye"***
You are NOT waiting on me, so stop trying to flip it! If you wanted me, you would have been here already and I wouldn't be writing blogs about wet dreams...so THERE!
You never invited me, so I never came. You coulda come to me, too...(sob!)...
***cues up Mary J. Blige's "Not Gon' Cry", tries to keep it together***
If you're my man, I don't have to invite you! You never invited me either man!
WOULD YOU TWO JUST BLOG ALREADY!!!! DAM... Y'all appear to be pretty cool friends..which in theory means one or both of you have been attracted to the other..therefore, y'all have wanted to do the day. Stop all this Sexting... print out some free KFC Coupons... get y'all some arbor mist or Boones Farm and.... Boing Chicka Wow WOw
LMAO!!! Rameer drinks Riesling (sp?) I'd get him with some lamb chops, not KFC :) LOL!
Rameer doesn't wanna blog me, he wants to blog Bridget :)
Rameer and Brooke....There ya'll two go BLOGFUCKIN' again...Damn, .get a private chat room!
I'mma call ya'll "R&B"...
Craig!!!! We've missed you!!!
Rameer and I aren't blogf*ckin, we're blog arguing! He thinks I webcammed the homies, so he don't want me no mo (say that like Taraji Henson in "Baby Boy")
Don't you think Rameer would have BEEN come to get it if I'm always talking about broken toys and wet dreams? He don't want none ;)
You broke a toy?
I wouldn't say broke it, maybe burned it out ;) LOL!!
hmmmm....time to upgrade to platinum edition...
You know where I can find that? :)
Yes...
uh...care to share? :)
its called RAMEER...ha ha ha...
oh snap! Rameer is platinum edition? How do you know this Craig? :)
You keep forgetting, Rameer doesn't want me!
Ummm the comments on here are off the hook. Burnt out toys, blogf'n...ha!
Anyhoo - R&B I think ya'll should def put up or shut up. R - the gauntlet has been laid down B offered to bring you some lamb chops and reisling that sounds like a good deal to me.
I also think that though I have a majority of male friends if they aren't gay then at some point we could have done something together, but for whatever reason they ended up in the friend zone. I will say that I had a situation with one where we almost did something (blame it on the alcohol) and it hasn't been the same friendship since. Could be that he's just trifling too, but...it has always been weird and we never talk about that incident (EVER).
For me it's best to think of them as my brothers, cousins or uncles. Then there is never any danger of me going there with them.
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