Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Hump Day mi gente!

Before we get into today's discussion, I'd like to send my thoughts and prayers to those affected by the earthquake in Haiti. If you'd like to make a charitable donation, you can visit Wyclef's site at http://www.yele.org/. Or you can donate to Unicef as well.

Now...

A guy friend and I were having this age old conversation the other day – nice guys finish last. When I asked him what he meant by that, this was his response.

Male Friend: We get the sex last, even if we’re good guys.

Me: Last behind…who exactly?

MF: I’ve been dating this girl for a month and a half now. I know she likes me and is attracted to me, but she won’t have sex with me. She told me that the reason she WON’T have sex with me is because I’m a good guy. How does that make any sense?

Me: I think what she means is, you’re a keeper…and she wants you to take her seriously.

MF: So my redeeming qualities are what’s keeping her from giving me some?

Me: Exactly.

MF: But if I was Pookie from the club, she might have given me some by now if she thought I would blow her back out, right?

Me: Maybe. I don’t know her or how she thinks…but perhaps.

MF: So I need to take off my suit and put on a wife beater in order to be intimate with her?

Me: No, not saying that.

MF: See…y’all women kill me. This is why nice guys finish last.

I understand his frustrations, but honestly…if he feels she’s worth waiting for – he’ll wait. If all he’s concerned with is “getting some” – then maybe he’s no different than Pookie.

But are women guilty of playing this game as well?

I know some women who will have sex with the guy with NO redeeming qualities whatsoever – yet hold out on the goodies for that “keeper” who they want to take them seriously. You know what I mean – he’s good looking, educated, intelligent, has a great job, never been married, no kids, has all his teeth, etc. He’s “husband” material – so we don’t want to do anything that’ll land us in the ‘friends with benefits” or “jumpoff” category. So we play nice girl, even though our hormones are raging and we want to jump his bones. He kisses us on our “spot,” yet we wipe our wetness so that we don’t send the wrong signals. We want to be “wifey” one day…so we hold true to the 90 Day Rule…which can be complete nonsense.

Meanwhile, he can’t figure it out. There’s obviously chemistry. He KNOWS we’d gladly lick his face if we could, yet we stop him at the door after our 6th date and give him a kiss on the cheek…if that. He feels he’s put in his time and shown us that he’s not just in it for sex…but he wants some dammit! What to do??

I don’t think there are any set rules as to when two adults should decide to have sex. And while waiting doesn’t guarantee that a man will eventually take you seriously and make you his boo, it can’t hurt to get to know him better either. Just make sure it’s not some game you’re playing while getting busy with Pookie on the side. If you’re into a guy, be into HIM…and him only. I know women have needs, but if the “good guy” can’t get any…then don’t give up your womanly space to the broke down dude who only serves a sexual purpose. I know Pookie has his place, but I think men can sniff other men on or around a woman – and it could backfire on you.

And men - I know you don’t want to hear that the very thing that makes you a great catch is the same reason you’re going home alone...again. But if you’re genuinely interested in that woman, the wait will be well worth it. Trust me.

Later, my friend goes on to say:

MF: Well, I can see how a woman can think that way. I’d have less respect for her if she gave it up to me on the first date. I have to admit, if I don't have to work for it, I lose interest. I know that’s not fair, but it’s true.

Me: Exactly…and women know this from past mistakes. Wait awhile…give her a little more time and just enjoy each other’s company. And please…PLEASE...put your wife beater away.

-b

Good morning everyone :-)

So I'm feeling well enough to get up and go to work. Thank you all for all your well wishes! :-)

Being home all weekend on the couch left me with plenty of time to watch tv while trying blow my nose and breathe at the same time. As you can imagine, everything on the news focused on...you guessed it...Tiger Woods. While I think this story just keeps evolving (supposedly his wife has moved out...she'll be back), the same question is being asked everyday: "If you're going to cheat, why get married?"

Now, to be fair, not every person who cheats SETS OUT to cheat. I'm sure a good number of folks who get married are completely in love and believe in forever with that one person. But then things happen - boredom, complacency, children, finances, or whatever - all can and sometimes DO take a toll on a relationship. Some people cheat because they're lacking something in their relationship. Some do it because they want to feel desired, challenged or simply because they want sexual variety. None of these are justifiable excuses...but simply a reason for infidelity.

But there are some who KNOW they can't be faithful, yet get married or find themselves in "committed" relationships anyway. And if you're a celebrity, most know that with money and power come greater temptation. If they've mastered their field - whether it's entertainment in the form of movies, music or sports - your level of arrogance and the desire to have it all presupposes that getting caught or suffering consequences isn't high on your radar. Celebs are used to winning.

And then someone gets hurt.

And then you have to shell out millions of dollars to make her stay, and pay out more to keep the rest quiet...allegedly.

So is it worth it? Why get married? That's the question.

The REAL question could be, "Is monogamy normal?"

There is nothing that tells us that we NEED to get married. There's no crime in being single - even though some would treat it that way. Are we EXPECTED to get married? Is that what society tells us we should do?

I mean, if your religion tells you you should get married, then maybe that's one thing. And if so, then adultery probably goes against that...unless your religion tells you that you can have multiple spouses. But for most religions, adultery is a sin...and you're supposed to be stronger than nature and fight the temptations of the flesh.

But for those who may not be religious, and who believe that monogamy isn't natural, why do THOSE people get married? Why form permanent relationships - or label them that way? I know some guys who ALWAYS have a "girlfriend." They can't wait to introduce you to their "girlfriend." Yet, they always cheat on their girlfriends... they always have a girl on the side. My question to them was always, "Why have a girlfriend? Why not just date MULTIPLE women?"

Most of them said they loved their "girl" but just had the other women for sex. And most of them would throw themselves in front of bus if their girl or wife ever found out about their cheating ways. Yet they did it anyway. I never understood that.

If you believe that monogamy isn't natural, then don't be selfish. There is nothing wrong with not having to answer to anyone. There's nothing wrong with going out, spotting someone you wanna hook up with for the night, have non-committal sex and keep it moving. When you're single, you can keep your options open, change your mind, find a new flavor of the week and avoid the emotional turmoil of breaking someone's heart - and the financial devastation of having to pay to keep her...or lose her. Simply put, some people don't believe in monogamy...and there's nothing wrong with that.

But some people do.

Just like there's nothing wrong with NOT believing in monogamy, there are a bunch of people who like the security of monogamy...especially when there are incurable diseases out there that can kill you.

Some say married people are happier, healthier and wealthier. Some like the emotional and physical intimacy that comes with monogamous relationships. They like the warm fuzzy feeling they get from knowing someone who loves them is at home waiting for them to come through the door. They like having someone to call when they need someone to talk to, to cuddle with, to just...be there. It's a high level of commitment that forms a family of two - or more should you decide to have children.

And if you find that you're with a person who believes in those things, then the expectation is that you believe in those things too if you're together. So if you DON'T believe in being faithful - or you do and know in your heart that you can't live up to that expectation - then be honest. It's one thing if you falter and make a mistake. But if you get into a relationship knowing you can't be faithful, even when your partner expects you to, then set that person free to be with someone who CAN be faithful. It's the most loving, selfless thing you can do.

Society tells us we should be "coupled up" - live our lives in "pairs." That's not always true. Some like team sports, some thrive in individual sports. We shouldn't force or feel forced into monogamous relationships, or feel lonely if we aren't in one. Love can still exist in our lives...even individually...not married. Just be honest with yourself if you're a person who does NOT believe in monogamy so that you don't hurt the people who do...cuz there are a lot of "DO's" out there.

Jus sayin.

-b

Happy Rainy Hump Day!

(well, in the NYC anyway)

Michael Jackson movie tonight! Woo-hoo! Game 1 of the World Series tonight! Woo-hoo!

So, like I do every morning, I'm listening to Hot97. The morning jocks are talking about men and women and double standards. The one male jock (Cipha Sounds) says he knows he applies a double standard to women - and has no problem with it. The other male jock (Rosenberg) says that he doesn't, and will never, hold his woman to a standard he's not willing to hold to himself.

Cipha Sounds called him a liar :-)

Now, we'd all like to live in a world where everyone - black, white, male, female - are all treated equally. Equal opportunities, equal pay for equal work, women ask men out just as often as men ask women out, and men and women's shoes all cost the same :-)

However, that's not the world we live in...at least not yet anyway.

Cipha Sounds said that he doesn't like for his woman to have male friends or talk to her exes, even though he has female friends and talks to his exes all the time.

Why?

"Because I know men...that's why."

Well, by that same logic, wouldn't that imply that HE has some shady motivations behind why HE has female friends and talks to his exes?

"YES! Because I wanna smash!"

Well, at least he's honest :-)

While I won't assume all men think this way, I will say that there are plenty of double standards applied to both men AND women. Feel free to add your own:

Double Standards Applied to Women:

1. She shouldn't talk to or be friends with any of her exes, even if her man can. Why? Because she's vulnerable - and the minute she has a weak moment after an argument with her NEW man, he'll swoop in and grab the panties.

2. She can't have male friends. Why? For the same reason. All men wanna hit it, and they're just waiting for the opportune time to make their move - usually after her man messes up.

3. She shouldn't have had more sexual partners than her man. Why? Because that would make her a HO, that's why. A woman will rarely tell the truth when it comes to how many men she's slept with (if she tells you at all) - but if she DOES tell you, men usually assume it's 5 more than the number she gives you...and whatever the number is, it's usually too high for the man anyway.

4. She can't or shouldn't date more than one man at a time. If a man does, he's a P.I.M.P - and playing the field. If a woman does it, she's promiscuous...even if she's not having sex with any of the men she's dating. She's expected to sit at home and wait for the ONE dude she's seeing to find time to call her while he's dating 5 other women.

5. If a woman wants to spend more time with her man, she's clingy. If a man wants to spend more time with us, he's a "good boyfriend" - (or p*ssy whipped!) Ha!

6. If a woman dates a much younger man, she's a "Cougar." If a man dates a much younger woman, he's a "sophisticated older gentleman" and is envied by his peers.

Now, men...calm down. I wasn't gonna leave you out. There are double standards applied to men too...and there are similarities:

Double Standards Applied to Men:

1. A man can't be friends with his ex, but the woman can. Why? Because men are driven by their libido, and if he hit it once, he'll wanna hit it again. Men are not seen as beings who can control themselves.

2. A man can't have female friends, but the woman can. Why? Same reason. It's assumed that any woman a man is friends with is one that he was/is attracted to physically and wanted to have sex with at some point - he just ended up in the "Friend Zone" somehow. But given a chance, and knowing how conniving some bitches are, he'll hit it in a moment of weakness the minute you two have a fight...or even if you DON'T have a fight.

3. If a man has a low number of sexual partners, he's considered "inexperienced." While a woman doesn't want her boo to be a "man-whore," she will expect him to have been with enough women to put it down in the bedroom.

4. If a man doesn't have an orgasm while having sex with you, it MUST be because he has a mental block or erectile dysfunction. It can't be because the woman is wack in bed, or because he simply wants to please you. If it's not a mental block or erectile dysfunction, he MUST be cheating, because after all...a woman CAN'T be bad in bed. (insert sarcasm here)

5. If a man cheats, it's because he has an insatiable need for sex - not because something is missing in the relationship. If a woman cheats, it's because she's been neglected...but if men do it, it's because they're just sex-crazed assholes.

6. If a man wants to break up with his girlfriend, he's a jerk. If the girl wants to break up with him, it must be because he's a jerk :-) No-win situation. Women are the victims, never the CAUSE of the break-up.

There...I tried to keep it even :-)

I think if more men and women focused on each other and the relationship, rather than what was done in the past or what we assume will happen in the future, we'd all get along much better. I know this is an idealistic way of thinking, but it can happen - right? If you knowingly subscribe to a double standard, I dare you to be brave enough to admit it here. Go!

-b