Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Happy Tuesday everyone!
Here is a question of the day: How many of you care what other people think - be it friends or family, or society in general - about the person you date/love? This has been a topic of conversation between my friends and me for a little while now, so I thought I'd ask the blog how much influence others have on who you date, love, marry, etc.
It doesn't even have to be as deep as who you choose for a life partner. How many of you have been out on a date, ran into someone you knew and immediately tried to 1) HIDE! 2) size up your date to make sure he/she looked good enough to be introduced to your friend, or 3) wanted to flaunt your date cuz you knew he/she was hot like FIYA!? Whether consciously or subconsciously, I think we all have cared to an extent what others thought of our love choices.
I think women do it more so than men. When we tell our girls about a new guy we're dating or interested in, the usual questions typically follow. They want to know his stats - what does he do, what does he drive, where does he live, does he have kids, how many, how many baby mamas, etc. Rarely do my friends ask upfront if he makes me happy, rubs my feet, takes me to church, listens to me or if he's a good guy. While I know they want to make sure I'm taken care of, we don't normally get to THAT part of the conversation right away. They want to see a picture first to make sure he's FINE, and THEN (100 questions later) they ask me if he's good to his mother.
Men, I don't think they care what their friends think...as much. I'm sure they do to some degree - in the realm of what she looks like, if she's smart, has a job, no baby daddies and can fry up a mean steak. But for the most part, if their boy is happy, they're cool. Unless she's throwing bricks through his window or slashing tires...you know, the usual ;-)
Ultimately, I'm sure we can say that we care what our friends and family think in some way, shape or form. Some more than others - and there's nothing wrong with that. I value my close friends' opinions, because I know they have my best interest at heart. I trust anything my sister says, because she's always honest...to the point where it makes me uncomfortable to have to look at myself in the mirror and see that I just might be wrong, delusional, irrational, too sensitive, blind to what's in front of me or just plain trippin'. We all need that from time to time.
But then there are times where we care TOO MUCH what others think, to the point where we block our own happiness. You have to know the difference between someone giving you sincere advice, and someone simply hating on your happiness. There's a difference between genuine concern and someone being judgemental. It's up to us to be able to discern so that we don't live our lives for someone else.
At the end of the day, we're adults who can and will do whatever we want...so live your life for yourself. And if you put true love on hold because of how it looks to others, you’re sacrificing your own happiness for no real reason.
I know it's easier said than done when assessing the opinions of people you care about compared to your own desires, but someone who loves you will love your partner, too. Why? Because you love him/her and because he/she makes you happy. Anyone who can’t fall in line to support your choice in mate is putting their needs/desires/prejudices before what’s really important: your happiness.
So back to the question of the day: Have you ever ended a relationship because of what your friends and family thought? Not because they’re protecting you from a player/asshole/addict/violent/abusive person, but because they selfishly wanted you to marry someone just like you? Just like THEM? If so, how did you reconcile this?
Let's hear it!
Go!
-b
12 comments:
First for you bitches!
DAMMIT!!!
I was too busy reading the blog!
Good question today Brooke!
I've been guilty of caring too much what others thought of the guy I was dating, and I think I subconsciously sabotaged the relationship because of it :(
I take the opinion of my friends/family etc into account, but I make my own decisions.
Do I care what they think? Definitely.
Have I flaunted the fine ass woman of the moment in front of them? Yes m'am.
Did I care if they thought she was stuck up? Nope. She probably was.
Did I hide the less than dime chick? No. Did I take her where she'd feel insecure around the fine ass ex? No. Why? Because that's annoying for ME!
As for my boys, I care mostly that they're being treated well and they honestly like the chick. If she's fine, but an idiot or fine and crazy (often the case) then I'll just give her the cool response.
Good one today - I'll be back to answer!
The Fury pretty much put my thoughts out there - and Brooke-Ra, you're right - as long as he's happy and there's no red flags, guys are good with who their boy(s) is/are dating.
I had an ex break up with me because her mother didn't approve. It was such a silly self-hated reason too. After her daughter went through a few men who were what her momma thought was best and they all ended up being scumbags, the mother came to me apologizing. I gave her the stone face and shrugged.
Ladies, sometimes your friends and family are just wrong. Don't let them live your life.
It's a thin line, because a lot of times my close friends and family can see things I can't see because I'm blinded by love. It's happened before. But when it comes to some "friends" they just don't want to see you happy and want you all to themselves. Being able to tell the difference is key, like you said.
Why do we as women care so freaking much? Sigh...
I will say this...we are guilty of telling our friends too much about what's going on inside the dating or even relationship. We share WAY to much! Heck I'm guilty of it too.
But I'm at the point where if he makes her happy then I'm happy. I'm done with wanting to know all the ins and outs!
I never ended a relationship because of what people thought. But if the dude was a scumbag I wish I would have listened to folks like my mother sooner!
Okay, I'm back.
As a guy, I've never cared, nor have any of my boys, cared about who our friends dated so long as he was happy. I've had my opinions of some women (ie: fine, but CRAZY like Fury said), but I kept my opinion to myself cuz at the end of the day, it's his life and if he's happy, or not, he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. We find out when a woman isn't good for us and we let her go, and if we don't, it's our own lesson to learn. No one needs to influence me one way or another.
Now, as for women, I've had women dump me because their girls or their mom didn't think they should be dating a "cable guy." I've dated women who were in corporate america and liked me for the man I was first, but then let others influence them as to what kind of life I could provide, or NOT provide, how smart I must be, or NOT be, because I didn't work on Wall Street or have a masters degree. So they left for something "better" only to be calling me 6 months later wondering if we could "hang out."
uh...no thanks.
If a woman can't like or love me for me, then she isn't the one, but it IS frustrating to have to deal with a woman AND all her friends and family. I know we care what those closest to us think, but if you know your friends or family are coming from a shallow place, then it's up to you to DO YOU and live your life and be happy.
My two cents.
I've known tons of women to judge a man by his occupation. Judging both good and bad. You still have to get to the core of a person and not just their resume. Friends can lead you down a wrong path based on bias.There's a difference between being a counselor and a conspirator.
I agree with you Serena, we women tend to share too much. I guess it's in our nature...unless he did a stint in jail or something. Then we keep him as our dirty little secret :)
I think we use our men as accessories sometimes to impress other women, not for our own happiness. It's like saying if we have a man with a certain status, he validates us, rather than having a good man period.
I care what my family thinks, which is why it's a big deal if I bring a woman around. But that's because my family has shown consistent, rational judgement and I know they have my back and want to see me happy. If for a second I thought they were conspiring against me, family or not, I'd tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.
I don't think a woman has ever not given me the time of day or dumped because of my job or how much money I had, or didn't have, but I have dated women who were constantly telling our business to her friends...and they would promptly add their two cents. I didn't like that, because they were usually only getting half the story, or simply listening to her rant when I forgot to take out the trash or something. That's when your friends can misguide you, so sometimes you just gotta keep your mouth closed and your friends out our business.
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