Monday, May 23, 2011

Happy Monday!

So my co-worker comes to me this morning, “No blog post today?” I tell him that I plan to write something…just don’t know what it is yet.

“Any suggestions?” I ask.

After we go back and forth about basketball and whether calling someone a “faggot” is okay or not in the heat of NBA playoff battle – I decide to save that blog for another day…it made my head hurt.

“I have one for you. A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about cheating. He wants to know if thinking of someone else during sex with your partner is cheating.”

Good one.

Of course, being me, I had to ask who he was fantasizing about. Was it Halle Berry…or an ex girlfriend? He said out of the hundreds of times he’s had sex with his girl, he only fantasized about someone else twice. Once was with a chick he never actually had sex with, but who he WISHED he had had sex with, and the other was with an ex.

I think I was more impressed that he had only fantasized about other women two times. That takes some serious mental stamina…cuz face it – most of us are just lazy. It’s easier to dream of Idris Elba or the trainer at the gym than to actually FOCUS on your partner…or is that just me? Just me? Okay…moving on. :-)

Men are visual creatures, so it only seems natural to me that they keep a bevy of exes, celebs and any woman in between in their mental playback during sex.

But guess what? Women do it too. I know fellas, it’s hard to imagine that we could possibly be thinking of that Pro Football Player one-night-stand we had while you’re giving us the long stroke…but it happens. More than you think.

If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us have probably fantasized about someone else while having sex with our partner - but should we feel guilty? I don’t think we should.

It’s okay for your mind to wander into the fantasy realm from time to time. But what does this say about your relationship? If you’re still pining after your ex and thinking of him/her while you’re having sex – then maybe there’s a problem. But if you’re dreaming of Salma Hayek, I think you need to just get over it.

Some people feel that any kind of connection, physical or emotional, to a person outside of your relationship is cheating. Others say it’s only human nature and we all do it…so it’s nothing serious. It’s not until you get into the grey area that we can spark any real debate. That grey area would be the relationship itself.

Fantasizing about someone other than your partner during sex could be a healthy addition to your sex life. It’s only a sign of trouble if there is some other disconnect happening where the thought of being with your partner physically is emotionally or mentally agonizing.

On the surface, it may seem hurtful to consider that your partner would think about someone else while having sex with you, because you think it means he or she doesn’t love you or is detached from you. But many psychologists say it’s actually a sign of a healthy sex life. Think about it; if you weren’t deriving any pleasure from your partner at all, you would be too bored or depressed to even fantasize. Now it might be LAZY of you to fantasize rather than focusing on your partner…but hopefully it’s only happening THAT NIGHT. His friend said he only did it twice, which suggests to me that MOST of the time, he’s getting all he needs from his girl both physically AND emotionally/mentally.

But throw in marriage, kids, routine, monotony, and you might need to conjure up an image of Beyonce or Boris Kodjoe to mix things up a bit.

Fantasizing is born out pleasure, not so much about wishing your partner were someone else. It’s an ego boost for you more than an attack on your partner’s self esteem. It can also be a healthy way to add variety to your sex life - again something which signals a sex life that is alive and thriving rather than one that has become boring or non-existent. You can think of it as a “safe” way to cheat :)

There is a world of difference between thinking and doing. Simply thinking about someone does not constitute making an emotional connection with that person - much less a physical one. And without that kind of legitimate bond, it can hardly be considered cheating. We’re all human after all: just because we commit to someone doesn’t mean we stop being attracted to other people. Cheating only comes into play when you ACT on that attraction.

So if you find yourself picturing Darren Sharper (that man is FINE) the next time your partner is beating the brakes off you doggy style, don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s perfectly normal; and as long as your heart is in the right place, there is nothing wrong with letting your mind drift a little bit.

What say you? Is it cheating, and should you share your fantasies with your partner - or just keep them to yourself?




Anthony Otero said...

First Bitches!

Stef said...


No, it's not cheating. And I don't believe he only dreamt of another woman only twice - not after hundreds of times - unless of course he's banging Halle Berry! LOL!

Anthony Otero said...

I don't think it is cheating. It would be nice to not be judged for what we may be thinking about.

Besides, we are human and our minds wander all the time.

Courtney said...

Your response is on point. You have to look at the relationship itself to determine if something is wrong - but either way, I don't think it's cheating. It's not until you act on those fantasies that you're in trouble.

Domina*Tricks said...

Is it wrong if I dream of another woman while I'm having sex with a man? ;-)

Is it wrong that I've fantasized about Brooke before? Especially after that Red Lips story she wrote! :-)

Craig n 'em said...

I'm the Tiger Woods of Fantasy cheating!!! I'm da TERMINATOR of fantasy sex!!!

Stef said...

Craig is a NUT!

The Cable Guy said...


It's not wrong, I've fantasized about Brooke too...but not while with another woman. ;)

Jay said...

Craig is certifiable :)

Funny as hell! And I agree, if fantasizing is cheating, then I'm guilty as charged.

Everyone does it at some point, and unless you're wishing that the person you're dreaming about is the actual person you're having sex with and want to BE with, there's nothing wrong with it.

Jaz said...

So fantaszing isn't emotional cheating?

Brooke said...


I don't see it as emotional cheating simply because thinking of someone doesn't mean you have a bond with that person...or that you dont' have a bond with the person you're having sex with. If I dream of a celeb I've never met, and will probably never meet, then there is no emotional bond. Emotional cheating to me is when you connect with someone in a way that you don't connect with your partner - where you share a part of yourself that should be shared with your partner only.

Cheating is many different things to many people. But sometimes fantasies occur involuntarily, arbitrarily, where you couldn't have predicted it beforehand - therefore there is no deceit involved.

Sillouette said...

Happy Monday All...

No, I dont think that fantacizing about someone else is cheating.I think everyone does at some point or time for
whatever reason. Does that make them a bad person..?? No, its just something that happens.It maybe a little
unsettling to the other partner if they knew that their mate was fantacizing about another person
whether it's a celebrity or not...It just wouldn't set well with them, whether its one time or all the time.
So its BEST to always keep it to your self and don't share so that no ones feelings get hurt and start to feel insecure
and inadequate..Everyone wants to be the apple of their mates eye in some way shape or form.

Tony said...

I dont know if its cheating or not but if it is my soul will burn like a gasoline fire in hell! Everytime my wife and i get down and I close my eyes she is transformed into someone else......whether its an ex or the woman i met at the 7eleven! The thing is that I KNOW she does the same. ......How do i know? We talk about it all the time.......our philosophy is that we love each other and are committed to each other but our fantasies are our own.......if you eat chicken everyday it never hurts to think about Steak!

Annamaria said...

@Tony.... EVERYTIME??? LOL...

Stef said...

I know right - EVERY time? :)

but least he's having sex with her and not the chick at the 7-11.

Tony said...

Ok not everytime! lol but 6 out of every 10 times........

Anonymous said...

Okay, it's not TMI Tuesday - but I'm gonna say it anyway...and it may seem weird, but here goes.

I don't fantasize that I'm having sex with someone else while having sex with my man - I dream of other couples I know having sex and pretend I'm watching while it's happening to me. Strange right?

Sometimes I even fantasize about my friends having sex with the guy I'm having sex with. I know, I'm a weirdo.

Anonymous said...

not wierd at all........i get off watching my lady get it rom other guys.

Tony said...

Ah shit........Wow! and ya'll thought the Donkey Punch was freaky!

Brooke said...

I was trying to find a reason to reference the word "donkey punch" in my post today but couldn't think of one :)

The Cable Guy said...

How about "if I find out you're thinking of another dude while we f*ckin, I'll donkey punch your ass!" LMAO!

Brooke said...

@Cable Guy,

I didn't think of that one :)

Stef said...

I'm still cracking up over Brooke's response to possibly getting donkey punched - "when I came to - somebody would be getting f*cked up!" LMAO!!!

Courtney said...

I keep my fantasies to myself - some dudes just can't handle it.

And I guess you're right - cheating is more about deceit than fantasy.

Anonymous said...

It has to start somewhere doesn't it. Doesn't envisioning being w/ another open the door for that to escalate & be acted upon?? afterall...All manifestations begin as thought first.

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