Monday, May 16, 2011
Dear Brookey,
Where should I begin - the here and now, or when we met? When I met my husband, we started a "no-future" dating game :-) We both stated we had no desire to have a "title," just that we would have some fun. However, as we all know, time eventually makes you start to have feelings - mutual feelings. Whoever said you can't turn a HO into a housewife/husband was completely WRONG! My husband was Mr. GQ - the ladies man, sexy body like a God, fun, and seriously had it going on!
So now married with two kids - 7 years later, I'm getting completely bored with my life. I've always had male friends, I don't deal with women - too much drama! But being married, I had to cut everyone off -except one, the one who has always had my heart for 20 years now.
It didn't matter that we didn't speak for 2 years after I got married, there has always been that soft spot.
I don't want to be with him, but I miss him. I miss talking about anything and everything. I can't do that with another woman. The last woman that I hung out with ended up sleeping with a guy that kept trying to talk to me - and I would give him NO TIME. So he took the next best thing - my girl! Needless to say, when she finally told me she slept with him, she also told me he gave her herpes! "Wow" was all I could say. I couldn't even ask her why she would do such a thing, knowing he was trying to get my attention.
That being said, I don't have to question a man trying to get with my husband, only him trying to get with me. And that would only happen if I allowed it. I so long to have someone to hang with like two women would. I know eventually the chemistry changes and that ends the friendship. I can deal with that when it happens, but right now, I'm miserable. My husband/family is my life. We wake up, go to bed, to the store, watch movies, just sit and do nothing- TOGETHER, everyday, all day! This repetition is driving me crazy. And to make matters worse, I recently found out my long lost best friend lives damn near next door to me. Talk about temptation. I just can't fight it.
I've come clean with my husband that I need to have a friend- a male friend. And of course he got upset and is completely against it. That's what I miss and that's my desire. Not to sleep with anyone - GOD no! The thought of another man caressing me disgusts me. My husband's attitude prevents that open "girl" talk. I'm just ever so confused. I know it's the wrong thing to do, I don't want to lose my husband, but in the meantime I'm losing myself. It's completely selfish to want my cake and eat it too, but what can a girl do?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
I do think healthy friendships are necessary to have outside of your marriage – both male and female friendships. I understand that sometimes women can be catty, petty, untrustworthy, etc. – but that doesn’t mean that a good female friend doesn’t exist for you out there somewhere. Sometimes it simply comes down to being a better judge of character where friendships are concerned. That woman you spoke of simply wasn’t the best choice for you.
Sidenote: If she knew you had no interest in that guy, maybe she didn’t think he was off limits. Now, she probably should have asked you if you would mind if she hit it just to be sure – but at the end of the day, she may have felt she did nothing wrong since you made it clear you had no interest in him. I know it's kinda shady, and I probably would have kept my distance too, but technically she did nothing wrong. Just my two cents on that.
Now…back to your husband. I understand life can become routine once the honeymoon is over and the kids come. You can’t be as spontaneous as you once were, or sometimes the kids make it impossible to be romantic or feel sexy when you’re exhausted from taking them to soccer practice and picking Cheerios out of your hair. I get it.
But that’s what you signed up for. Marriage is work. Period. You have to mix things up and take some initiative to take the humdrum out of your less than exciting life. It takes both of you to work it out – not a third person. Instead of asking your husband if you can have a male friend, you should be telling him how you feel and asking what you both can do to fix it. He might be feeling the same boredom, so it’s possible he’ll welcome a chance to get things poppin’ again. He could have interpreted your asking for a male friend as, “I need someone to replace your boring ass.” Your new male friend won’t make your home life less boring, he’ll just add some excitement OUTSIDE of it. It might make your life a little more interesting for a little while, but eventually you’ll want to spend more time with the new guy instead of your husband…then you’re playing with fire.
While I do think there is nothing wrong with having a male friend, I DO believe that your husband should be your BEST friend. If you feel you can’t confide in him, then that’s something that needs to be addressed. I know most husbands would prefer you vent to your girlfriends about the woman at work who got on your last nerve, or talk about the new shoes you just bought – so it may be frustrating that you can’t share everything with your husband like you would a girlfriend. But a male friend would actually be no different. No dude, unless your new BFF is gay, wants to hear that crap either. He may pretend to be interested, but he’ll simply be putting in his time until your husband messes up and you use your “in case of emergency, break glass dick in a glass case.” No dude is gonna wanna be your shoulder to cry on while you go home and screw your husband. If your friend is single and has feelings for you, he won’t give a damn about your husband. While you’re complaining that your husband personality is like watching paint dry, the new guy is gonna look all shiny and pretty – your husband will look crusty and dry. The new friend will encourage your complaints until he’s literally in there. Then you’ll wake up looking for your panties wondering what the hell happened.
You say this man has been your heart for 20 years now, and that you realize chemistry between men and women can change and become dangerous. Saying you’ll deal with it when it comes suggests to me that you KNOW one day someone will catch feelings. It sounds to me like you already have, or are open to it. Is he the one who got away? Why does this man still have your heart? It’s a slippery slope, because for most women, where our heart goes, our body will soon follow. It’s science, or magic …or something like that :-) The thought of another man touching you might disgust you NOW, but that will soon pass if you find yourself growing closer to your friend.
Also, keep in mind that if your husband DOES agree to allow this man to be your friend, you’ve now given him a pass to go out and get himself a new friend too. You have to ask yourself how you’d feel if he did that…especially if it’s some chick who “has his heart” and whatnot. You may say now that it wouldn’t bother you…or think he would never do that, but I’d think again. If he’s just as bored as you are, fuckery will ensue. Trust me.
I say think about it before reaching out to this old friend of yours. Look at it from your husband’s perspective and ask yourself how you’d honestly feel if he came to you with the same proposition. And then ask yourself if you’ve really done everything you could to add some spice to your home life. If you think you have, then I suggest you tread lightly while reconnecting with your old friend. If you’d be doing it behind your husband’s back, consider the consequences. Think about how he’d feel if he found out and how that would affect your marriage. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until you’re about to lose it, so make sure this old friend is definitely worth putting your marriage at risk.
If he is, then have him over for dinner so your husband can meet him. You’ll have to make him feel totally secure with your friendship with this dude. In the meantime though, get a babysitter and go out on a romantic date with your husband. Stay overnight in a hotel and get busy. Work on your marriage first, see if things get better, AND THEN get in touch with your friend later – like say in a couple months. You may find that your husband is, and always has been, the only true friend you really need.
Blog fam, chime in!
-b
97 comments:
first bitches...
I am not a fan of people having to cut off ties with other poeple once a relationship begins. I think you need friends. My ex-wife had 2 long term male friends that posed no threat to me. I never ever became jealous of them. Perhaps because I have female friends that I have been in my life for just as long.
The point is that you go into relationship with these things. You have to agree that friends of the opposite sex are cool BEFORE the long term commitment is made. People need to understand that losing long term friends just because of your marriage will have an effect.
I also agree that the person we marry should be best friends, if that is not the case then there will be problems. Secrets will be kept on both ends because no one want to tell the other person everything.
She sounds like she wants to get it IN with the other dude to me. Even if it's not physical, it's emotional cheating. She's saying she won't do it, but if you have to sneak around to do it, that's where it'll lead.
Is your husband against THIS guy being your friend? Or men in general. If it's just THIS guy, then I say he has a right to be concerned. But if it's ALL men, then he needs to understand that having friends outside of marriage is no big deal if he trusts you.
But if this guy has your heart, stay away.
now...tasing Ant for being first!
I think she's playing with fire. It would be one thing if she happened to become friends with a co-worker or something and wanted to run that by her husband, but she's talking about a guy who's had her heart for 20 years. That sounds suspect to me. Best to stay away until she gets things going at home again.
I think they should go to couples therapy to see what they can do to add some spice to their lives. Adding another person is a temporary solution that could do more harm than good.
I believe that if this 'friend' has your heart, then he poses a threat to your marriage. Look to your husband for all the things that you feel like your lacking. As a wife & mother myself, we usually have to take the initiative. Plan something for the two of you. He will probably appreciate it. You two may alson get to know one another again. That's what sounds like is the problem. Also, be greatful that you know where your husband is. He can be running the street, hanging out until all hours, partying, etc. You should be happy that you don't need a GPS to find him. And if you want friends, you may need to link up with other married females. My girlfirends (who are married) and I link up on Friday nights. We go to a different house every week or so with a bottle of wine, our long list of complaints and a few jokes in between. Our kids tag along and play together while we exhale.
We do exactly what Anonymous said.
Ms Nay & Geeque usually come over & hang out & sometimes spend the whole weekend at our house & we LOVE it. That's why we call ourselves a communal family.. The kids play together & we all just chill.
NOW I think the Confused just wants to get it on with her "friend". OBVIOUSLY if this person has had your heart for 20 years they are MORE than just a friend. I think that the effort you are putting into having this dude as your friend should be put into making your marriage work IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. But in reading this blog it doesn't really seem like she does.
Also I don't think the title of this should be MY HUSBAND IS BORING..A relationship takes two people & it's not like I read anything about her getting a babysitter and dressing up & arranging a date night. Or even putting the kids to bed early & initiating an in house date...
I REALLY HATE WHEN PEOPLE BLAME HAVING KIDS ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP LOSING IT'S SPARK. YES having kids makes it more difficult & challenging BUT if you make the effort it can be done. You just have to make it happen. And you know what if you make a LITTLE effort it is surprisingly easy.
I think the first thing this person needs to do is reevaluate what she wants & what's important to her & if she wants to be married & then take it from there.
I think most would agree this guy friend poses a threat to your marriage. You want HIM SPECIFICALLY, and not just because you miss him. I can hear the pitter patter of your heart for this guy through your letter. Be honest, you're setting yourself up for disaster.
And not for nothing, just because some woman you used to hang with got with a dude who was checking for you, doesn't mean you can't be friends with a woman. That woman, like Brooke said, did nothing wrong to you. You didn't want that guy, and if he took the next best thing, why do you care? She didn't try to get with your husband, she got with a guy that you made it painfully clear that you had no intereset in. If it bothers you, maybe you secretly liked that this guy was after you and you wanted the attention - and then realized that you didn't have all the attention once you found out he got with your girl. Maybe you really didn't want her around because she stole your thunder.
I agree with anonymous - get with some married women who you have things in common with and bond with them, not this male "friend" who has your heart. You'd want the same consideration from your hsuband.
I'm sorry, ole girl wants to get with her friend. She ain't fooling nobody with the " I just miss him" line. If you want to have an affair, just have one, cuz sounds to me like your mind is made up already. Nothing we say is gonna change that, so just don't get caught. My two cents.
@Cable Guy.. her having an affair isn't fair to her husband. If she wants to be with the next dude then she should leave her husband. I'm sure the chick who is getting her ass beat OR the chick who is left home alone while her man is out there with every other chick in america WOULD love to trade places & "Be Bored" with her husband.
@Annamaria,
I'm not saying cheating is right, but some people need to learn the hard way. That letter had built in excuses, saying she just misses him, doesn't want to sleep with anyone, etc. She knows deep down what it is and so do we. If he's had her heart for 20 years and she can't fight it, then she's already got it in her mind.
I'm not telling her to have an affair - I'm telling her not to get caught doing something she already knows she's gonna do. We grown and we know whta time it is. I hope she takes everyone's advice and doesn't do it, but most people who write these letters already know what the RIGHT thing to do is. They don't need us to tell them.
Interesting, Interesting. From a male perspective, this is a set up for failure. No guy is going to tolerate a 20 yeear old flame. You know why? Flames don't smolder for 20 years. They burn passionsately. beneath that passion may lie the key to your marriage. Maybe you just married the wrong guy??
Sorry Cable guy- wrong, I don't want to get with him, I sincerely miss talking to him- laughing, talking shit about people we both know! Talking about myself! I do have feelings for him, I won't lie- but I don't want to sleep with him. Bad enough the couple times I have spoke with him recently, I know I was cheating, because I KNOW my husband wouldn't approve. He wasn't the one that got away. As a friend- Yes, as my man- No. But I do know it's best not to have that friendship but something keeps pulling me back. He's stated out of respect for my husband he didn't think us seeing eachother was a good idea-because he doesn't know what would happen if he's around me too long- so we can talk, just at a distance. And I know he's right. (I left that out of my letter-sorry Brooke!) Yes, guess I could find some married women- the few I know seem a bit bitter for whatever reason. My husband isn't boring, we just do the same things all the time. And Ms Penn- No, I didn't want that guy, I just found it odd my girl would talk to someone that was interested in me. I would never play myself as someone's obvious second choice, as she did! She's still my girl- no harm, no foul! It's good to see others perspective on this, I lot of it a already know- just different having the obvious come from someone else. That friendship could be the end of my marriage- and I would never want to loose my husband that way. We just need to find other avenues to bring excitement to the marriage. The obvious to this would be to stay away- wish eachother happy birthday, merry x mas and happy new year. But this is like being in AA, you think about drinking, but don't, you smell it from time to time and have the desire- but if someone sneaks a bit in your glass-it's OVER! I know right from wrong- but who's perfect??!
Confused is really the right name for this person...
How has this man "HAD YOUR HEART FOR 20 YEARS" but then you say it's ONLY a friend thing???? Friends don't usually have your heart...LOL Maybe you just haven't admitted it to yourself but if he was really ONLY your friend. There would be no need to worry about what would happen if you guys were alone together..
That's just my take on it though.
@Anonymous,
Okay, so now it comes out. You've spoken to dude already, so you already got he ball rolling - which is exactly what I thought it might be.
Well, sounds to me like you already know you're playing with fire and luckily your guy friend is good enough to keep a distance out of respect for your husband since you don't seem to want to do that. Most grimey dudes would take the green light you gave and run with it. He sounds like a decent dude, just stay away.
Everyone is someone's ex, leftovers - not necessarily a second choice. Maybe he got to know her and liked her, and she liked him too. If you two are friends, you may be similar in a lot of ways and maybe he was attracted to those same traits in her that he was attracted to in you. I think it's a bit egotistical to label her as someone who fashions themselves as a second choice. Just my opinion.
As for your friend, I agree with Cable Guy - luckily he's the type to respect another man, because most men aren't as noble. You've already emotionally cheated on your husband, so end it now while no REAL damage has been done. If you keep speaking to him, your feelings will grow stronger than they already are, and like Brooke said, your body will follow. Good thing you seem to have realized this already...just stay strong.
Just ask yourself how you'd feel if your husband did what you're doing, or if he found out, and you have your answer. You already know, so just do the right thing.
@Anonymous, I mean no disrespect you at all, but I think you are lying to yourself about all this. Sure you have feelings for him, but to say you do not want him as you man but yet he has your heart...i dunno.
This sounds contradictory to me:
"He's stated out of respect for my husband he didn't think us seeing eachother was a good idea-because he doesn't know what would happen if he's around me too long- so we can talk, just at a distance. And I know he's right."
If you know he's right, then that means you agree that something will happen - which means you DO want to sleep with him, even if on a subconscious level. I don't think it's subconscious at all though, and I think you're not being fully honest with yourself.
You said you don't want to lose your husband "this way." Sounds to me like a divorce might be in your future, you married the wrong guy. Let your husband go so he can be with someone who appreciates him and who won't be cheating behind his back.
@ Annamarie & Cable Guy-
yes he is a good guy, and it's best we stay away. I have spoke with him and laughed till it hurt. I really needed it to get out of the funk I was in. But now I feel I'm good, for a while at least. This is playing with fire, and my husband is worth more than that. I know this! How easy was it to stop your own bad habits? 20 years- as in that box in the closet that you've had forever- but you go in it from time to time to remind yourself of what's there. @ Ms Penn I'm trying to stay strong- over the weekend I tried putting myself in my husbands shoes- I really don't want to hurt him, and have no desire to leave him. When I get frustrated I need to get it out- and my friend is the only person I've always trusted with my life. He's always honest. Even up till now, I know most men would jump at this- no questions asked! I've run into a few from my past and they could care less that I'm married now. Make sure to only be with my husband- good, talk with old friend- bad! Got it! lol.. I'm trying to make light of this- like I said, I know right from wrong.. just wanted to hear other perspectives!
It's not about being perfect - none of us are - but it's about being honest. You can't trust yourself to be alone with this guy, which tells you something. If this guy knows it and said it's best you stay away, then you know it too. I have a feeling the few conversations you've already had have probably crossed the line if you know your husband won't approve - so stop lying to yourself, AND US, by saying you don't want to sleep with him. You DO, you just don't want it to cause you to lose your husband as well. That's selfish...you can't have your cake and eat it too.
What I want to know is, if this man has had your heart for 20 years, what prevented you two from getting together?
In my experience, what I have found is I can love several people in my life, but that doesn't mean all of them are good for me, or are marriage material. I know the difference between love and compatibility. Were you ever in a relationship with this guy friend and it didn't work out? Did you ever try to date? Were you two never single at the same time? Does his breath stink? What is it that kept HIM from being "the one"?
@ Mr. Nice Guy- you're the second person that has stated "you married the wrong guy." My cousin said it 1st. Now after reading all these comments- maybe I have been lying to myself? huh? I feel like slapping myself.. can u say DENIAL! WHOA.. Man I think this has helped me more than I wanted it to. So what now? Still not leaving my husband- no.. no divorce in sight.. I just wouldn't leave my husband for another man. Ok, I have to take a time out. I'm sure no malice is intended by the comments, just education- and if there is... go to hell! lol..
um...if you truly realized you married the wrong guy and you still with the wrong guy...will you be satisfied with that?
I am just sayin...from experience...your marriage will not be enough.
@Anonymous,
No malice intended, I'm sure not by anyone, but come on - you seem to be a bit all over the place.
And why stay married just to stay married? Even if you don't leave your husband for another guy, you need to seriously think about if you want to stay married period - cuz you're not being fair to him. If you have feelings for someone else, that's not cool and your husband will be able to feel that if he hasn't already. You just want to hold on to him for fear that this other guy ain't the one either. Brooke asks a REALLY GOOD QUESTION - why didn't you choose your friend before you met your husband? Probably because you know deep down the friend dude wouldn't make a good husband, and you got a good man and don't want to lose him. You just want some excitement or to feel desired by another man other than your husband.
I get that, but also realize that you're being selfish too. No one is saying this in disrespect, this is just what it looks like to us.
Take Ant's advice, he knows - he's been through it. You're living a false life right now and you're holding on to your husband because you're afraid to lose a good guy, even though you're not doing right by him.
ok maybe it's the painkillers but is Anonymous/Confused on CRACK???
She's totally making light of the situation like Ooops I married the wrong guy now what do I do???
I really wish I could be soo nonchalant about wasting 7 years of someone's life & bringing two innocent children into the world to deal with my fuck up...
@Anonymous/Confused... May I ask WHY you wouldn't leave your husband??? Why would you continue to stay & disrespect a man that you are realizing you shouldn't have married??
good queston Brooke.
@ Brooke- OH GOD.. HERE IT GOES... we started as good friends, he wanted a relationship/engagement about 10 yrs back- I told him I didn't want it because it would ruin our friendship- AND IT DID JUST THAT. I couldn't tell him everything as I did being friends. It lasted maybe a month! It was downhill from there. And to make it worse, he was unsure about his previous on/off relationship with his ex, his daughters mother. I had no desire to compete with that. So I stayed the friend, and pushed back. I guess the same thing he's doing now? But that didn't work out, because like me- he was confused. The more I see this- I realize this is just a disaster! We've remained friends throughout the years, speaking a few times a year, literally sometimes. Until I go on one of these binges and need someone to talk to. Then I go back into hiding. And no I don't want to sleep with him. NO DENIAL THERE! I don't know why- I just don't. Sex isn't a big thing for me, maybe in my 20's, not now. I know that's different for EVERYONE! So Brooke- because he was so unsure back then, I've never looked to be his "ONE" or have him be my "ONE." So- go ahead- let me hear it.. "I knew it!" So needless to say, I know he wouldn't be a great candidate for my "friend!"
Did you ever have sex with this man?
I can't even comment on this blog anymore. Unfortunately Confused/Anonymous you are STILL in DEEP DENIAL... and until you are willing to grow up & face the truth my dear nothing is going to change.
I truly feel sorry for your husband and I hope in the future he finds a woman that appreciates him for who he is & is willing to be mature enough to be in and handle a marriage. I wish him all the best along with your two children.
As for u. Good Luck.
He wanted a relationship/engagment? How you want to be engaged to someone you've never been in a relationship with first? The more I read this, the more I get confused and think something isn't being said. This makes no sense to me.
And now he's pushing back cuz you're pushing forward? You just need to leave your husband and go somewhere and get yourself together.
Very dangerous territory. You are walking an extremely slippery slope. We have heard how you feel about this dude now tell us how you feel about your husband? Where does he fall on your heart meter? I understand your need for "Girl talk" with this dude but remember you vowed to "forsake all others." For the sake of your marriage that is exactly what you need to do.
@ Annamarie- we all have our opinions- especially not knowing how much of a "good man" my husband is NOW. I've never stated any of the issues I've had with him- I excepted a lot of things and decided to stay. Because I'm still here, doesn't mean it's fair to put him through anything, I know. I'm not attempting to punish him, by no means. These are just my own demons that I'm dealing with. But thanks for your comments. I don't feel I married the wrong man- we should have given it more time, but we have a lot in common- maybe too much in common. I'm glad that your life is perfect.
Uh oh.....Ya'll have a good day!
My life isn't perfect.. and you're right you haven't stated any thing that is WRONG with your husband.. other than what FIRST attracted you to him you haven't said ANYTHING about your husband.. Right now we don't even know if you LIKE your husband.
BUT the fact remains he is your husband & you don't want to leave him & are content playing with fire. SO if YOU decided to accept your husband for all his flaws, don't sit here & try to use that as an excuse for misbehaving.
Sorry if I'm being harsh but that's me I don't sugarcoat anything & I'm upfront. If you didn't want to hear people's HONEST opinions maybe you shouldn't have written a letter TO A BLOG.
I normally don't comment on days other than TMI Tuesday, but I think we're being a little too hard on her. Is she on a slippery slope, yes, but she knows that already. Sometimes you just need to talk it out. I've been in a relationship before and felt temptation - by strangers as well as old friends. It happens.
When you're in a long term relationship, sometimes feelings change and you need to remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. I can only imagine that being the case with kids in the mix too. Routine is not sexy. I can see that.
But if you sign up for marriage, you have to be willing to do the work to make it sexy. Easier said than done. And like she said, we don't really know what her husband's deal is either, or what their relationship was like in the beginning or what HE might be doing onthe side. We're just assuming he's a good guy.
There are many sides to a story and nothing is black and white. It's good she's even willing to ask for advice rather than just running out and doing damange. I know I've made mistakes in the past and probably will make tons more in the future. I hope she figures it out and no one gets hurt. And with children involved, it's never an easy answer. Good luck!
Knew that was coming!
I've been in love with men who weren't "the one" either - so it's possible to still have feelings for someone, even if you know you want different things. That's why I thought Brooke's question was a good one, I didn't even think of that. That being said, I agree with Domina*Tricks that not all things in love are black and white. We'd probably be here all day if she wrote about her husband and his deal. I think couples counseling is a great idea.
the long and short- we were friends, he wanted a relationship, and it didn't work out. We stayed friends... I moved on, physically- obviously not mentally. I put him to the back of my mind, or so I thought. I met my husband- we were just in it for fun, it turned serious. When my friend moved back- old feelins popped up that I didn't even know were there. It's been 8 yrs or so since he's been back- we speak on and off throughout the yr- I've been honest w/ my husband- and he was pissed, but stayed, not sure out of his own guilt or because he loved me. And I'm not leaving my husband, just have to let go of my friend. I've been through it all with my husband! He wasn't always this "great man." When he was given the option to shape up or ship out- well, he worked out his issues, or didn't allow it to be so obvious? And guess it was never put on the table for me. Although some of these comments have been really ROUGH, it's opened my eyes to what I guess, I really didn't want to see. Dazed and confused.. yes I have been.. almost in tears thinking of what I've done to someone who loves me so much. But I have tough skin, just soft in the middle. And Tony- I love my husband. Absolutely love him- I don't think any other man would have been able to deal with my honesty.. i know I wouldn't have. @ Annamaria- no prob, I like being up front- it's the only way to be.. nothing taken.. @ Courtney- if I talked about my husband- yes, you'd be here all day. I stayed- is all I'll say. It doesn't give me the right to do this though.. I know. I've never been on a "Blog" I was asked to submit a letter. And so far, I've got a lot out of it.
@Confused,
It is what it is. And all of us on this blog can be who we want to be without airing our dirty laundry. It's easy to give our advice when no one is looking at US and our demons, so kudos to you for being brave enough to ask for advice and opinions from others - even if it was hard to hear. The truth usually is. I hope it all works out for you. NONE of us are perfect.
@Anonymous....
That was the FIRST time I felt that you gave a SERIOUS answer to anything. so Kudos... you have a very long road ahead of you.. and you have a LOT of work to do but IF you truly love your husband & want it to work with him then you need to give YOURSELF the same choice you gave your husband. Shape up or ship out. If you can't drop this "friend" then let your husband go. Because he doesn't need to be second place in your life.
And if you do chose your husband then you BOTH need to work on the relationship & the effort that you were putting into this "friendship" needs to be put into spicing up your marriage so that YOU are getting what you need out of it as well. If you take the first step to spice things up I'm sure your hubby will follow your lead because the spice is def important.
Good Luck.
P.S.-See guys I can be nice.. :)
Hey Blog Fam!!!
Good lawd the fire is definitely brewing in here today... In read the post today.. Ms. Lady do not fall into this deadly act temptation..I can promise you will regrett it. Confine in your husband and give him an oppurtunity to be your Bestfriend and express to him how you feel and take the initiative living things up. There is alot of room for things to get better here. And my girl Brooke is right, going to an outside sourece WILL NOT make things better. It will just complicate things on a WHOLE other level. Don't do it to yourself, your husband and especially your children. This situation is a class case of " Six Degree's of Separation", where EVERYONE in your dwelling is affected in someway and a shit storm forms. Please turn your head and do not follow thru with these betrayling thoughts. I wish you and your family the best..
Good Luck!!!
@Confused,
We not trying to be mean (not sure about Anna though! LOL!) But we just tell it like it is here, "tough love" so to speak. It's all love tho nonetheless. Good luck sis!
Thanks to all.. yeah AnnaMarie was going in and trust, it took everything not to light that fire! I know it was all in "love" - I've only spoke with one person on this subject and being family he tried to remain neutral!- but I understood where he was coming from. It's hard- not having anyone to share with, when you're stressed and need an outsider to slap the living SHIT out of you! But it's a new light- lol.. it's all good, no matter what's said, I have my health- until God takes that away, I'm going to live it up! I'll try not to hurt myself and no one else on the journey! Repressing things only make it worse! As I've demonstrated! THANK U!
Glad we brought it down, her cousin just told me to ring the bell and stop the fight! LOL!
But she's a big girl and I give props to anyone who's willing to put themselves out there and ask for advice from strangers. Domina*Tricks is right - none of us are perfect, and we might be able to SAY what we'd do if faced with the same challenges as someone else, but you never really know until you go through it yourself.
I've never been married, nor do I have children, so I've never been faced with trying to keep a marriage strong while raising children. I know from the outside looking in, it seems VERY difficult to do, especially as time goes on. But I DO know what it feels like to be in love with someone I shouldn't have feelings for and how hard it is to deny those feelings. Our hearts and minds conflict all the time, and when there's chemistry, our hearts sometimes win. It's not easy, and if everyone always did the right thing, there would be nothing but bubble gum raindrops in the world.
@Stef...... I don't know what you are talking about.. I'm not mean...
(sitting in the middle of the ring with a lit match & the bell.. )
@ Annamarie- just out of curiousity, are you HAPPY in your marriage -if married or just CONTENT? You don't have to answer if it's too much. Or are you single?
@ Brooke- don't listen to him, I'm a big girl.. this is cake!
@Annamaria,
No, you're not mean, you just ordered a baby taser for Sophia before she was evaen born! LMAO!!
@Brooke,
AMEN girley! You right about that, we ALL have done dirt in the past, we just don't talk bout it in Dear Brookey letters! LOL!
I am about to be married to a man that makes me happy.
We have a beautiful toddler together & I have TWO stepchildren so at any given time we have THREE children in the house.
We've been together for a considerable number of years. LIKE I SAID it's NOT easy to keep the spark BUT you know what once you start trying it's not that hard either.
There are days we put all the kids to bed early just to go hang out in the basement play pool, have a few drinks & go on a "date" we do whatever we have to do to keep the spark going...
I used to have a lot of guy friends also. But now at this stage in the game I value my girlfriends because of what they bring to the table. Brooke & I were having this conversation the other day after our date...
He's not perfect. I'm not perfect & Neither is our relationship. We've had our ups & downs & have worked thru them. And trust me I'm hard headed & stubborn so he had a fight on his hands..LOL but at the end of the day I will always choose him over anyone else cuz he's the one I chose. That's my dawg...
Every time I hear/read "that's my dawg" I think of Smokey from Friday.
I know...unrelated, but still :)
For Annamaria to be so little, she got alot of attitude/mouth :) I know Powerz has his hands full with THAT ONE! LOL!
Good thing Brooke balances it all out - she's all sweet and nice and stuff :)
@Cable Guy.. He does. And that's why I love him. He lets me be myself. But if he needs to tase my lil ass he does that too..
Like I said it's not easy especially with kids running around BUT it is possible.. especially if you want your marriage to work. You don't want to be sitting here 10 years from now feeling like you could have done more.
I asked for this reason- when standing outside someone's window, it's easy to pass judgement without actually being in the room. Or to hear one side without knowing the entire story. We're all human, and make mistakes. I hope to be best friends with my husband and some point- hopefully sooner than later! As of this blog- THANKS BROOKE- i've deleated his contact from my phone- step one.. and no I don't know the number- cell phones make it so you don't have to! I don't have his email either. Baby steps! lol.. Thanks-
@Anonymous. I know why you asked which is why I answered.. LOL
I didn't want you to think that here I was passing judgement out my ass..
I'm there and it is VERY easy to get stuck in a rut & feel the need to be "excited" again.. and sometimes it is harder to make the effort with your husband because you feel it should just come naturally because well he is your husband.
What you need to realize is that marriage & all relationships are WORK.. and it is probably the hardest job you will ever have. But you get out what you put in..
Again I apologize if I hurt your feelings at any point. BUT that's how I am.. you didn't like female friends because of all the petty stuff etc etc.. so you got me! LMAO See be careful what you wish for..
Good Luck
Hold on Annamaria, I know she asked you for some advice(solicited) but from your perch it's difficult for me to see you administering advice here. You seem to have your own issues. For instance the "number of years you've been together" yet neither of you have committed either. And that's your dawg! You chose him right? Could there be something holding you back as well? You sound like you may have more in common with her than not. How can a committment phobe be telling someone they should remain committed to a marriage when you yourself are not married. The same question Brooke asked of her, I would ask of you.....Why have you not married? Judge not lest ye be judge. Hold that....
UMMM @ ANONYMOUS... WE'RE GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH.. RE-READ THE RESPONSE.. WE'RE NOT COMMITMENT PHOBIC AT ALL...
ANYONE THAT HAS EVER READ THIS BLOG KNOWS WE ARE NOT COMMITMENT PHOBIC AT ALL..
AND FYI: EVERYONE HAS ISSUES..
NOOOO.. you didn't hurt my feelings.. girl that was nothing.. seriously. When dealing with other women, I'm almost like the the very religous Muslim men at times- women just have no say! Very sad, I know. Just never had good luck with other women. Family/friend, whatever- you think you're confiding in them, then you hear it from someone else. After the third time, I was done. No more chicks in my camp. But it's been a while, so maybe time to venture out. Try again? We'll see, maybe I'll make you guys my vent room! lol
and EVERYONE administered advice here. No matter what their marital situation is. I've gone to Brooke for relationship advice & would take advice from her in a heart beat even though she's unmarried & has no kids. Doesn't make her opinion any less valuable. Just makes her timetable different than mine..(Brooke hope u don't mind me using u as the example.)
Just Bone the friend already since that’s where it’s headed!!!!
@ AnaMaria- why are you yelling, did that strike a cord? Apparently, so. I read your post clearly. As YOU said not I, "we've been together a significant number of years." I believe the question was simply why you have not married yet or more clearly what took you so long. You're right, everyone has issues, Can we discuss yours??
I don't mind at all, carry on :)
There are alot of "anonymous's" on here, so I hope we keep them all straight when responding :-)
Sure.. I'm at work & the spreadsheet I was working on hit caps lock don't get it twisted.. people I know don't affect me.
We chose to do things differently and this is what worked for us...
We knew we'd be together & weren't in any rush to do it until WE could do it the way we wanted to. and now we are..
Anything else u wanna know???
wasn't me Brooke.. i'm done going at it with am..! lol
@ Annamaria, was only curious as to what perspective you were providing the advice from.
Don't know if I'd take skiing lessons from a man born with no legs....
Everyone breathe!
Even a man with no legs can be a skiing expert.....don't judge until you know.
@Anonymous#2. AGAIN... I have always been straight upfront.. read the past blogs everyone knows everything about my situation... We've never made any excuses for the order in which we chose to do things. It's what works for us & this is how WE are happy... Does it meet your approval?? Probably not.. and I could care less.. cuz like I said my fiancee & soon to be HUSBAND & I are who matter.. So as long as WE are happy.. Who cares.
AND if I'm sending a letter to a blog.. then I am ASKING for advice from EVERYONE that reads the blog.. whether they have legs or not...
If Anonymous#1 only wanted advice from happily married women then she should have written to THAT blog.. but she didn't and got us.
Anonymous #1.. we cool.. LMAO. :)
Anonymous #2 must be related to Anonymous #1, LOL!
@Stef...or the Friend in question!!!! LMAO
Disclaimer- I am related to anonymous number one. I am also the male that she has confided in and spoken with intimately about her situation from the beginning. My advice to her has not wavered and oddly enough is pretty much what the general consensus is. I guess I more affronted by the way it was delievered. Although extremely entertaining, sitting a few cubicles away and watching her work through these issues, I realized she wanted advice not to be insulted.
I knew it!
But I don't think anyone insulted her, did they?
She was never insulted. Personally I never told her ANYTHING I wouldn't have said to ANYONE else on this blog OR any of my close and personal friends.
From what I was told she chose this blog after reading it a few times & therefore KNEW what she was getting herself into. We are all BRUTALLY honest. We check each other & call each other out on our shit.. I even respect her for sending the letter knowing that we are like this.
I'm just not going to sugarcoat something OR make it seem like what she's doing is ok to make it easier for her to deal with. Because at the end of the day if she gets in too deep & loses her husband that's going to hurt her MORE than anything I have told her.
Unfortunately this is the way I come across & most people don't like it & can't handle it & that's fine. But I stick by my words & wish her all the best.
Just so you know cuz, I wasn't insulted, she did go a little hard... but like I said, everyone has an opinion, and like Brooke said, it's easy to say what someone else would do. I could tell a woman to leave her husband if he treats her like shit- but if I was in that situation, would I do the same? I might just beat him to death, and call it even! But it's all good. This has really helped, not from you Annamarie! lol.. I did take the comments into consideration- and seriously deleted the number- I just have to work on the rest of me.
Peace and Love everyone!!
SHANKING & TASING GHANDI...
YEA I SAID IT.. AND YES IT'S IN ALL CAPS.. LMAO :)
@ Steph, good guess. LOL. The crackhead comment was a bit much. Otherwise, obviously it was great advice and touched a nerve with her. Much if not all of what she received was constructive. In proposing to her to write the letter I guess I never considered the responses. I like many of you have remained confused by her circumstances, but be that as it may ultimately she will make one choice or the other and philosophically speaking it really doesnt matter. Whatever choice she makes there will be consequences. Period. Stef, get Annamaria up off me. LOl!
Only someone "not mean" would shank and tase GANDHI!!! LMAO!
Annamaria is GULLY!
@COUSIN... just take your tasing like a grownup..
And re-read the comment. I never called her a crackhead. I asked if she was on crack!!! LMAO
And before I did so I admitted to being on painkillers....
AND I asked because what she wasn't making any sense to me or anyone else on the blog BECAUSE apparently she was holding out on some other info that we all felt we needed...LOL
Might have been a lil much but if it forced her to wake up & seriously think about what people were saying then I'm glad I said it.. Although again I didn't call her a crackhead..LOL
This blog has thoroughly entertained me today. I think it's been a LONG while since we've had THIS many comments! Good one B!
And thanks to "Confused" for writing Brooke, cuz I now know I will NEVER ask THIS blog for advice! LOL!
Gandhi was at the wrong place at the wrong time... He had to go...
@Mr. Nice Guy and everyone else. I will be away getting married & honeymooning from June 15-24th & will have NO access to the blog.. All Dear Brookey letters should be submitted during this time.. LMAO
Although apparently I'm a commitmentphobe soo who knows if I'll even get on the plane!!! LMAO
Wow, Even Gandhi is being attacked!!!
Hi Stef!!
Brooke, are you going to Anna's wedding? You might need to push her down the aisle!
Hi Batman! Ant beat you today!
@Stef,
No, I won't be able to make it, but if she gets cold feet as we get closer, I may need to dig into my emergency fund and fly out to DR to get her to the alter!
After our date night, I have no doubts she'll walk down the aisle after seeing Brides Maids. Maybe I WILL go just so we can drug her on a plane, or so I can wild out at the fondue fountain :) If you haven' seen that movie, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about :)
Wow, I have to see that movie, I keep hearing how good it was!
Wow I missed it today! Hello Ms. Confused. I'm going to agree with Anthony, don't cut off your friends for anyone. I'm talking true blue, ride or die friends! Because if he leaves you or during those times when you need another listening ear you don't have anyone because you cut them off.
I love my guy friends, they would never pose a threat to a relatioship because they are like my brothers. I've dealt with guys that were very threatened by them and at the end of the day it's because that guy was insecure and had a lot of issues.
Now for being bored I agree with Brooke and my fam on here. BOTH of you have to spice it up, get out and live. Do things as a family and as a couple that's out of the ordinary. You have to find yourself and that happiness again. Talk to him.
Get involved in activities if you want to meet people (community service, a organization, dance class, etc). Socialize.
And be careful of the guy friend that is trying to be back in your life. Be easy.
Also listen to Mike Baisden now or do the replay, he's talking about this same exact topic now!
@ Serena W..
Very nicely put my dea and I totally agree with you. It was hott in this post today.. I made one comment and broke out.. LOL..
I was wondering where Serena was all day. I was looking to hear from Yolanda and Rameer on this one too...and DMoe...where are all the regulars?
Gotta be careful with all male friends you women have tho because most us got to be that way by accident..."friend zone" :)
no? just me...? ;)
yeah, just YOU! LOL!
All of my guy friends are my true ride or die friends. Never had an interest in them and vice versa.
Just you Cable Guy lol!
But there are some guys (and women) that do have a hidden agenda. I will tell you, none of my guy friends are my ex's. Those buffoons are ex's for real reasons.
maybe it IS just me then :)
Annamaria! I will be 32 weeks pregnant the week of June 15th...don't make me get a letter from my doctor saying I can fly and crash that wedding to make sure you walk down the dag on aisle! LOL!!!!
Don't play with me...you'll get tased!
Brooke I've enjoyed today. Came home- showered and had a heart to heart w/ my husband. I know previous lovers, closer then close friends, etc. can't be friends when someone is married. It's a ticking time bomb! And to my cousin- thanks for being that listening ear! Look what you got me into- send Brooke a letter! I should double back on you! lol In the end, as the sun is setting- I love my family wouldn't trade it for any of my friends! I know what I have- and as confused as I have been at times- my husband also knows what he has in me. The grass can be greener on the other side- but so can your current grass if you water and fertilize it!
@Confused- you're lucky! This is exactly why I told you to write in. Lest ye forget, everyone gave you the same advice I have given you for over a decade:) Glad they got you to see things my way. You play with fire, yo ass will get burned. and no I'm no talking 'bout your trifling ass homegirl.
@Brooke- You get it Poppin' Girl you get it poppin'. Great blog today.
@Annamaria- See what happen when you jump in and play captain save a cuz? How she run home and tell I'm fightin? SMDH Wanna Jump her? lol
Just so you all know- after talking with my husband, he wanted to read the blog. And he did. His comment- "this is nothing I didn't know, nor anything I haven't already told you." We talked a bit more- he felt I hadn't really been honest with myself on the situation, but happy I was able to vent to someone. We are now going to work on being better friends with one another. Oh and we had a small argument! lol
you let him read the blog???
girl, you better than me :)
glad it all worked out!
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