Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Happy Tuesday!
So I was watching The View today, and DL Hughley was one of the guest co-hosts. He said a few things that I found to be interesting...and I wanted to get your take on it.
First, he said that "intelligence is over-rated" when it comes to dating and marriage. Basically, he said that if a woman has big breasts and is quiet, he could fall in love with her. "I love you, I promise you I do!" were his exact words :-)
He also said that all women want a rich man. He made the point that not all women will get one, and noted that we'd still marry a non-rich man if we're in love - but according to him, all women WANT one.
Joy Behar objected to that, and said it was just as easy to fall in love with a poor man as it was to fall in love with a rich one. That may be true...but which would you prefer?
The basic topic of discussion was about what we seek in a partner and why. Men want to be with a beautiful woman, no matter how "smart" she may be, and women want to be with a man who can provide for her and her family, no matter how smart he is...or in some (most) cases...even what he looks like. Agree?
It was suggested that women have an inherent need or desire to seek a man who can provide for her and her family. Women instinctively want to be protected and cared for - so it's in our "nature" to seek out the alpha male who can provide and protect - and in most cases, that means money. My question to you all is - do you believe that to be true - and if so, at what point does wanting a man to provide for you turn into "gold digging?"
It was also suggested that men don't necessarily care how intelligent a woman is, especially if she's beautiful. DL said men need women to appreciate them and make them feel good about themselves; and as long as she cheers him on and validates him, she doesn't necessarily need to work or be smart. He will gladly be "the man" as long as he has someone beautiful to come home to who makes him feel like "the man" that he is.
So tell me...what say you? Any truth to ANY of this - or is it all nonsense? Or a bit of both. Let's hear it!
Go!
-b
43 comments:
FIRST DIGGERS!!
I think there is a bit of truth to it.. The part about men wanting a beautiful woman. IN A LOT OF CASES... Men want the trophy wife.. AND then those that do go out & get themselves a trophy wife get upset when she turns out to be the golddigger that they set her up to be.
A woman does want someone to protect & provide. BUT that doesn't necessarily mean we need a rich man. I'd prefer a poor man who loves me to death unconditionally than a rich man who liked me a lot! lol
I saw the show today and there were some very interesting topics: prayer vs logic; respecting the office of President and this one, about marrying rich.
It's really shallow to only pursue wealth or have that be your driving factor. Very much like how LisaRaye admitted she first saw the "things" her ex-husband had to offer and then she "learned" to love him or whatever the word was that she used. We see how that marriage ended.
I've never been one of those "what car does he drive?" girls but I do want the man to have a job and some decent credit. I think that's a basic, especially as I've matured and learned that love is the start of the relationship but there's so more to keeping it together. Being rich doesn't automatically make you a "catch" nor does it automatically make me want you. It's shallow to just pursue that.
And intelligence is very sexy, not overrated. I'd prefer to fall in love with a SMART man. Period.
Well Said Yolanda!!
The show was very interesting today. I started to touch on the office of the Presidency - but I think we can all agree that the MAIN reason the office of the Presidency isn't as respected now than in recent history is because we have a Black President. Period. People feel that they can try him and disrespect his office for that reason alone...and I doubt there is much debate about that.
But THIS topic was interesting to me - especially after watching the Reunion Special for Basketball Wives. Most would agree that all of these women are gold diggers. I'm not saying they are or they aren't. But when you look at these relationships, men cheating on their wives is no surprise, and the women putting up with the groupies is no surprise either. Why? Because both the man and woman are getting out of the relationship what each of them wants. The men usually wants a beautiful trophy wife and the women are being cared for.
But if DL says that ALL women would prefer a rich man, then that makes me wonder. Would most women turn away the likes of professional athletes or celebrities, even if they knew they were cheaters and dumb as a door knob? Or would they be on their "team" in order to be taken care of. I wonder how many women could answer that honestly.
And how many men would turn away the model chick if she catered to his every need in order to be cared for - even if she wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer or had the best personality? I wonder how many men would answer that one honestly as well.
Back in the building Beeyatches!
Oh boy does this have truth to it. I really think it's about points. A man will accept a woman slightly less smart and beautiful and a woman a man slightly less attractive and rich. Just think, men will kick it with the girl at the drive thru with no high school diploma if she looks like Halle Berry and wasn't triflingly dumb. While women will give the lane to a guy that isn't a looker but as the dough to entertain her whims and provide the little things she thinks are cute.
now I love a smart woman! Smart is sexy, but damn if I don't find Eva Mendes attractive and she looks like she'd get confused by adding fractions.
LMAO!!! that was funny :)
I love that Brooke gets to watch TV at work :)
But Fury is right. We'll put up with a woman who's gorgeous so long as she doesn't embarrass us, and women will do the same if he has money. I don't think ALL men and women subscribe to these beliefs, and honestly...I think women put up with alot more and are willing to overlook much more because most men aren't rich like the athletes and celebs are. It's "our job" to protect and provide - but in most cases - women need to work and contribute because we can't do it all...no matter how much she caters to us.
But let's talk about that. The catering part. I'm not saying a woman has to have my food on the table when I get home and rub my feet as soon as I walk in the door. But a compliment and a "baby, I appreciate you" go a LONG way. I think that very simple thing gets lost on ALOT of women. Now granted, there are alot of dudes out there who are trifling and don't deserve that love. But for the men who DO...we'd love to hear it. Just my opinion.
I would NEVER date a celebrity/sports figure/etc etc.... now granted even a poor man can be out there doing his dirt BUT these mofo's don't even hide it. And I'm sorry I love myself way too much to allow me to put the taser down & allow a man to be disrespected like that. And beauty is a great thing to have BUT don't you want to enjoy things together and be able to talk about things.. What about if you have a problem don't you want to run to your mate to help the situation???
Well said Jay...
I want a man who can provide, but I also want one I can RESPECT. Unless he's an athlete or a celebrity, it's hard to find a man who's rich AND stupid. Most men who are rich are rich because they have SOME sort of brain power. But it's VERY possible to be with an UGLY rich man, LOL!
That said, women will put up with that...cuz damn if that one basketball wife's husband ain't the hardest thing to look at. I forget his name, I think it's Eric Williams...but he's not cute at ALL. He seems a bit off to me too, but because he was a basketball player, she married him and now she's on tv being embarrassed and disrespected cuz he told her to her FACE that he was cheating. And this broad went house hunting with the dude right afterwards! She ain't going nowhere so long as he's there taking care of her - no matter how much he cheats on her.
And he knows he can keep a "beautiful" woman at home doing whatever he wants her to because she ain't got nothing else going on. It's all sad but true.
I think the difference between wanting a man to be a provider and "gold digging" is the level to which you'll go to get what you want. Most gold diggers lack self respect and think the ONLY way they can provide for themselves is to have someone else do it for them, and they'll ho themselves out in order to get a certain lifestyle. While I think most women want to be provided for, most won't sell their souls to do it. At least self respecting, self sufficient women won't. They'll take care of themselves and contribute to the family instead of relying on a man to take care of her completely.
I have to make my comment and dip out - I'm pretty sick today, and I'm leaving work early.
I think it depends on the endgame - meaning what you want to end up with in the end if you have your head screwed on tight. Now granted, A LOT of people don't have their heads screwed on tight - but I personally am not close friends with a man who would marry a dumb, beautiful chick. Before someone hits me with the "but you and you're crew are different", I know plenty of guys who think a smart woman is attractive as all hell.
Do we want an attractive woman? No doubt. But let me do a comparison - who is more attractive fellas - Tyra Banks or Angela Bassett? While I don't think anyone on the blog would throw Tyra out of bed, who would you want to BE with for years? I suspect most men would say Angela, even though she's older - because not only is she beautiful, but her personality and intelligence make her loved by every Black man I know.
As for women - there are way more women with messed up ideals of what they want, and a lot of times it puts them in the relationship predicaments they get themselves into. But this blog alone proves that not all women are like the whores on "B-ball Wives"; and I know plenty who look for the right things. I have NO PROBLEM with a woman saying she doesn't want a scrub, she SHOULDN'T. Not cuz she wants to be taken care of; she wants someone who can provide for himself, and, if necessary for some reason, her. Hell - I encourage that train of thought.
No, it's when you're looking at nothing real - who he is, how y'all vibe, if you love each other, etc. - that you get into the gold-digging phase. And, like I've pointed out in the past - dude I know who manages McDonald's is VERY successful at playing the gold-diggers! Men aren't that stupid; trust that whomever DJ Mbenga (world champion Lakers, baby) is messing with, he knows she more than likely didn't run to him cuz he looked like a model. She ran to him cuz he's a big pro ball player with money and status.
I think DL has a skewed view of things being that he's been in entertainment so long. He's partially right, but to say all men and women - he's just patently wrong. There are plenty who look for the right things, and truth be told, many times the right things are a mix of everything, with more emphasis on the non-superficial things, but the superficial things playing at least a minor part.
I mean - I've admitted my current girlfriend isn't my usual "model chick". But trust - if she looked like Precious, I wouldn't have pressed getting with her. That's just being honest; I need to be attracted to some degree. And I would NEVER begrudge any woman I know not giving the with 2 kids he doesn't take care of, with no job sleeping in his cousin's basement a chance. Why should she? He's not on her level, and love and happiness is NOT a personal charity. If he has good qualities and is gainfully employed, there should be no problem.
I think most people on this blog know the difference between men and women who go overboard and the grounded folks that make up this blog community for the most part.
let me just say that the whole provided for thing irks the hell out of me. I understand...but damn if it doesn't bother me and I'm the kind of guy that loves to provide and spoil a woman (more than just sexually). But to HEAR women say it makes me want to get back on the Funkmaster Flex 90s, "no drinks campaign" What bothers me are the women that ask the world of men and don't think anything should be required of them. Not saying any of you are like that.
I saw Jennifer at an event a month or so ago. She looked tranny-ish to me. Maybe because we were in the meat-packing district.
so ladies, admit it, when they have money it makes them look a little better. Kind of like when she has a phat ass, I'm a little more interested. Lol
I think when women say they want a provider, it's saying they want a man who CAN provide if he HAS to - not one that will "take care" of her. It's not saying she doesn't work or help him out. But it's saying she'd prefer a man who has a job, is fiscally responsible, contributes to the welfare of the family, etc. I know plenty of women who bring the same thing to the table that they ask of their men, and they are the biggest cheerleaders for their men because they respect them. Yes, there are trifling, lazy women out there who seek men to take care of them - and they are usually the model chicks who end up with dudes who complain about gold diggers - even though that's what they're looking to attract.
I don't think most women would have a problem validating any man who is worthy of her respect. I think the challenge is finding the man out there who doesn't expect you to cheer for him simply BECAUSE he IS a man. There are alot of men out there who want to be praised as "the man" rather than actually BEING one. And when women don't do it, then he uses that as the reason why he can't succeed. It's a catch 22 sometimes.
Feel better Rameer.
@Ms.Penn - I'm not saying I don't understand the providing thing, I'm just saying I don't like hearing it. Almost like when women don't like men that say you have to be in shape to date them. Hell, there has to be room for love handles somewhere. Lol
And women shouldn't validate a man or champion their man because of their gender. They should do it because that's the person they're in a relationship with. Support starts at home.
BEING a man is so much more than women think. I find it hilarious when women try to define what it is to be a man. Y'all gotta walk in the shoes before you can do it or define it. Trust me. Otherwise, you're just describing what you like or see.
fully back on topic...
once heard if you marry someone for their money, you'll pay for it one day...
@Fury,
Okay, well then tell me what it is to be a man. A man to me is one who takes responsibility for himself and his family, who works hard, has integrity, discipline, etc. I think the same can be defined for women. The point is, I don't want you to praise me simply because I'm a woman. I want you to praise me because I'm a GOOD woman who behaves like one. Women will praise a GOOD man who ACTS like one - whatever that definition is.
Just correcting Rameer...i think we discussed this already Meer..i prefer Tyra...LOL...whussup Meer! get better fam...
Ok...so i would choose Tyra...Not just because she looks delicious...and has an amazing everything...but also bcs she has many talents...she is independent..intelligent..an entrepenuer..and fine as hell. She also has the unique ability to communicate with dolphins and bats with that sonar recepting forehead of hers...lol..
ok..ok...i digress...
...but Men love beautiful women...and women love men with money. However, none of these things will sustain a loving marriage or a life of 'real love' (MJB moment...'i'm searching for a reeeeal loooove...someone to call my own...) because they all fade away. you gotta love people for who they are...not what they are...and with that said...**queue Brand Nubian** you gotta love me or leave me alone...it's your boooooy...
I agree with Ms. Penn. Most women don't expect a man to FULLY take care of them. At least not any women I know. The ones who do are a rare breed - like the Basketball Wives. I don't think those women represent women on a whole. So when we say we want a man who can provide, we mean just that...who CAN when and/or if the time calls for it. I find it funny that most men don't like the "provider" title they get, but expect women to fall into the "nurturer" "cater to me" role that women are supposed to have. It's a double standard. Men want you to cater to them without working for that respect, simply because they have a penis. I'm sure there's alot to being a man, but that doesn't mean you're automatically entitled to being catered to. Most men out here aren't doing shit that is worthy of our praise, but they're the main ones crying that there aren't any good women out here holding them down. Fuck outta here.
Stef...
You right...
If both parties play their respective positions...it works out well...when it's lop sided it's wack. play your position..
Yeah, I'm not sure Tyra was a good example in that one because Tyra is far from stupid. I could see if he said Kim Kardashian vs. Angela Bassett, cuz that chick is only famous because she has a sex tape and a big booty. And truth is, most men would still choose her over a woman like Angela Bassett. Truth is truth...and while I can't say that about ALL men, I think it would be safe to say that about MOST.
Like Zay said, those things aren't real or sustaining...so you have to really ask yourself what you REALLY want out of a relationship. If it's money, then go for the man with money and forego love. If it's beauty, then marry the beautiful woman with no substance and forego love. It's that simple. That works for some people and they're completely fine with that - for a while at least. I think it really just comes down to being honest with yourself about what you're really looking for.
OK the blog is getting kinda hostile & I must be in a good mood cuz I'm about to say some nice ISH....
PROPS to all my GOOD MEN & GOOD WOMEN....
I lost my job when I was 5 months pregnant with Sophia. I went back to work Part time when she was 6 months old. I have a GOOD MAN that takes care of me. NOT because I ask him to but because he'd prefer ME to take care of his baby. I'm home for my stepkids when we have them & he likes that. I went back to work because I wanted to. NOT because I was forced to. Now I was given the option to become full time but that option may be put on hold so that I can stay home with Sophia until she's a little older. AGAIN a decision we are coming to together as a couple & as parents.
I love & thank him for being a good man & allowing me that option because the time I have with Sophia is invaluable (we start her swimming lessons on Friday!! YIPPEEEEE)
BUT I would never take advantage of him & I would go to work full time in a heart beat if he asked me to. And he has dreams to branch out & open his own real estate business. I will support him 150% WHEN he does (because I know he will with my support) and I will do whatever I need to do to help him & make sure his business is a success...
I don't think the blog is getting hostile at all. It's just a discussion, a good one.
I don't know I felt my taser in jeopardy of being taken away!!! You know I don't like that feeling!!! LMAO...
Churrrch - Sir dughley is accurate
That sounded like one big "Powerz" ad to me :) LOL!
But to all us NON-PERFECT people out there, I think DL Hughley was onto something. I think most people would never ADMIT to wanting a rich guy or a model chick, but deep down inside, most of us WANT that...we just know we probably won't GET it.
Men are visual creatures, and if a woman treats us well AND she's fine, we probably don't care what she got on her SAT's. And women want a man who's not trifling and can allow her to take on the role that she's probably most natural or comfortable with...which is being at home taking care of kids. I know some independent women will get on me for that, but I have yet to meet a woman who deep down inside doesn't want a man to afford them the opportunity to stay home and be mommy if they WANTED to. Not all women want that, but alot do...and the ones that do would love nothing more than to big up the dude who gots their back.
Brooke I take back those nice things I said about Cable Guy earlier....
See Jay never has sarcastic JOKES
Jay is just a really really NICE GUY..
(puts on Team Jay Jersey while tasing Captain Cable.)
I don't feel that the blog was about good men and women - but more about being honest about what we want in the opposite sex.
I think Cable Guy and DL Hughley are right...most of us never admit to those things because it makes us seem shallow to do so. We are primal beings who have the ability to think and reason. But that doesn't take away our innate instincts to want to be protected and for men to be providers. Since we've evolved, it seems shallow and "cave-man" like to have these beliefs, but we're just sophisticated animals with basic attractions and needs. We just feel silly admitting that.
@Annamaria,
Awww, come on. You salty now? You gotta admit, every comment you make on the blog lately is about how great your relationship is and how great Austin is. We get it already! That's not hate, I'm just being real!
And yes, Jay is a good dude. No doubt. He just can't have my woman :)
I was just wondering what that long comment had to do with the topic at hand..but I feel you Annamaria. No need to be mad :)
The comment had to do with an example of a woman who isn't a gold digger being taken care of by a man.
AND it was also about how a man isn't obligated to do so BUT an example about what women may be talking about when they say they want a man who can provide for them.
AND how a GOOD woman will also have a man's back no matter what..
THAT'S WHAT THE COMMENT WAS ABOUT..
I don't need to use the blog to big up my man cuz I do so EVERY DAY..
TEAM JAY ALL THE WAY!!! LMAO
And last but not least ALL ya'll men complain when women say how men ain't shit. But here I am bigging up a good man & I have given credit to all the OTHER good men on this blog & that's wack too. SO YOU CAN KICK ROCKS...
TEAM STEF ALL THE WAY!!! LMAO
The blog was asking if that's what men and women really want - whether that's their reality on an everyday basis.
You can be a good woman and still PREFER a man with money. That doesn't mean that you'll discount a man who isn't rich..but all other things being equal, that's what a woman would WANT.
Same for good dudes. You can be a good dude and still want a beautiful woman. Doesn't mean you'll get one or that's all you seek. But it's what every man WANTS.
And not for nothing, I love you all - but let's be real. Who you are on the blog doesn't mean that's who you are in real life. I'm just keepin it 100 - you can project yourself to be ANYONE you want on the blog cuz none of us (except Brooke maybe) knows who the other one is. That's why I don't care what most of you think of me, or clown me, cuz I know who I am and I don't need anyone on my "team." Brooke is the only person who knows me on here and I don't need her to validate me either. I just happen to like her :) So while you can SAY you're a good woman, or that Austin, or Jay, or anyone else is a good dude - none of us knows that for sure unless they know us in our personal lives...so that shit means nothing to me. You could be a bird chick for all I know. I'm not saying you are, and I doubt you are, but since I don't know you, who's to say? Just like I could be a bum ni**a. Y'all don't know me, so I'd feel like a clown if I was constantly trying to show and prove to y'all what a "good dude" I was. Come on son.
@Cable dude,
I'm putting my hate aside to say I agree with you completely on that. Real talk!
And yes, I'd love to meet a fine, intelligent man with money vs. a fine, intelligent man who's broke. I'm keepin 100 too! LOL!!
@Courtney,
I agree, what we want on a basic innate level isn't usually what we get, because so many other factors come into play that involve us "thinking." But I totally see your point.
@Cable Guy, you're right too. We can be anyone we want on this blog. While I believe there's a good group here, we don't know how the other operates in our personal romantic lives. Brooke always brings good discussion though :)
Don't get me wrong Powerz aint perfect & we all know I will tase him & offer up a fuck u if he needs it. But I'm not going to sit here & describe some imaginary negro or give props to some celebrity or sports figure. You asked what women want & he is what THIS woman wants... Sorry if all my powerz cheering is nauseating u BUT I could be sitting here like ya'll niggas aint shit!!! Lol
And u could all be bum ass negroes (which I highly doubt for most of u. Including u Cable nemesis) but ya'll don't live with me so frankly I don't care...
Loosening my grip on the taser &
paying my cable bill..
Okay Annamaria. Don't get your panties in a bunch :) LMAO!
Brooke, you're quiet today. What say you ON THE TOPIC? ;)
Captain Cable don't get shanked. We aint BFF's again just yet!!! :) I'm still soft about ur Father's Day blog so I'll take it easy on u!!
I happen to agree to an extent with what DL Hughley, Courtney and Ms. Penn said. If all things are equal, then of course a man would want his woman to be beautiful and women would want a rich man. Who wouldn't? The reality is most of us won't get that, because of sheer numbers, but that doesn't mean that no man alive has never dreamt of having a model wife or that no woman has ever wondered what it would be like to live in mansion. The reality is most of us know that that's not reality for us all. While some women and women make it their JOB to seek out such things, most women CAN'T and WON'T attract that rich dude or snag him...and most men won't attract or marry that model chick.
Knowing the reality of a situation doesn't mean that's not what we'd want if we had our choice. I've yet to meet a woman who says she wants to meet a poor man. I have yet to meet a man who says they'd love to wife an ugly woman. It's un unspoken thing...mainly because admitting otherwise makes us seem shallow or like we're not "good people."
As for the catering thing, most people want to be validated and appreciated...both men and women. I think men need it, but don't say it. DL Hughley said that men want to feel appreciated and I agree with him. I agree with Jay when he says a little "baby, I think you're the bomb" goes a long way. It's easy for women to ask for compliments, because we're considered emotional creatures who need love and affection. Men are supposed to be "hard" - so asking their woman to big them up might seem "unmanly" to them. If we expect men to work hard and provide for us, then we have to be willing to show them that we appreciate when they do - because most times it fuels them to keep doing it. No one wants to feel taken for granted - both men AND women.
But like a few of you said - if you're not doing anything worthy of praise, I don't think you should expect it. If you're Pookie laying on the couch drinking up all the Kool-Aid, you can't honestly ask your lady to big you up if she's supporting your weed habit. But I do agree that women could be better at this.
On The View, Sherri Sheppard said something to the effect that "constantly letting making a man feel good about himself is exhausting!" and made it seem like she should feel good about himself on his own. I think that's selfish to say. While we all should have a healthy dose of self esteem and confidence, it's very easy to feel taken for granted an unappreciate in a relationship. Everyone wants to feel validated in appreciated in their relationships - it's part of feeling loved. And saying to someoe that you appreciate them and respect and love them takes all of 5 seconds and is the easiest thing in the world to do if you truly mean it. It's not exhausting...in fact, it should come naturally if you truly feel it everyday. And even if you don't FEEL it everyday, it's still important to say so that the other person knows that you're still an important person in their life that you appreciate.
wow! please excuse all my typos! I'm trying to get alot of stuff done at work before I break out to the gym and just re-read what I wrote. My fingers are too fast for my brain! LOL!
@Brooke,
I understood what you wrote and totally agree with it. We all know you know how to write and spell! LOL! It's all good girl!
@Brooke,
When you say "if all things are equal" what do you mean exactly. Just making sure I understand you.
@Jaz,
When I say if all things are equal, I mean if I had my choice between a fine man who is a good dude, is smart and rich vs. a fine man who is a good dude and not rich, I'd choose the rich one if I could have either. If the ONLY thing that separated these two men was money, then most women would want the one with money. I don't think that's shallow, I think that's honest.
Just like if a man could choose between a beautiful woman who was smart, a great cook and wonderful in bed vs. an ugly woman who was smart, a great cook who was wonderful in bed - they'd choose the beautiful one. To say otherwise doesn't make them shallow - it's what we'd all want ideally.
It's just that we know that there is no perfect person, and that we'd have to make compromises for what is most important to us - but that doesn't discount what we'd WANT. We fall in love with who we fall in love with...and usually that person is FAR from perfect. But for those who are NOT in love, some of us have an idea of what we'd want in a mate...and if we're lucky, we get half of that.
Gotcha! I figured that's what you meant. And I agree. I think most of us just have a hard time admitting what we want like you said.
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