Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Happy Tuesday mi gente!
I was a bit tired and under the weather yesterday, so I took the day off from blogging. But I'm back! And with another "Dear Brookey" Facebook question. I swear, these are so interesting ;-)
Here goes:
Dear Brookey,
I've been talking to this guy for for about 3 months now. We met online, we talk on the phone everyday and email/IM constantly. We really seem to get along and we always hint at meeting each other. But the thing is he lives in another state where one of us has to get on a plane to see the other one. He keeps saying he'll check flights and that he would love for me to fly in to see him. But I also think he's waiting for me to offer to pay for the plane ticket. I've told him I'm open to it, but the discussion never goes any further. He has never offered to buy a ticket, but I think he should pay for the plane ticket first. Am I wrong?
It was so ironic that I got this email yesterday considering I was just having this conversation the night before with a friend. Long distance relationships can be tricky, especially when a flight is involved in order for one person to see the other - it's not like driving from Philly to New York.
But my issue with this scenario isn't necessarily the money though, it's with who should do the traveling. Call me a traditionalist, but I believe he should travel to see her first...no matter who pays for the ticket. I'm not saying women can't be dangerous, but something about a woman traveling alone on the first meeting to another state to see a guy she's only known for 3 months troubles me a bit. Maybe she can pay for him to come see her...and spend time in the comfort of her own home (assuming she lives alone), where people know to look for her in case she turns up missing.
She could get to his place, he turn out to be nuts, and/or he kicks her out...and then what? Not saying the same can't happen to him if he comes to see her, but I think a man is better suited to handle himself in that situation. I know she could have Pookie annem hiding in the closet waiting to rob him, but chances are she doesn't. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just think it's dangerous for her to make the first trip...regardless who pays.
But to answer her question - since she doesn't see any problem with going to visit him, then I don't see any reason why she can't pay for it. My guess is that if she pays her way out there to wherever he is, he will be planning and paying for what they do when she gets there. At least that would be fair anyway. If he's hosting her, then they can agree that he'll pay for the activities while she's there and they'll probably break even. After all, it IS a recession.
If this turns out to be a full-fledged, long distance relationship, it would be ridiculous to think that one person would finance the whole thing. Next time, he can pay to come see her...and she can plan the activities. Go dutch when you go out, or split the cost of the plane ticket. There has to be a lot of compromise and sharing when it comes to long distance boo's. Unless one of you is independently wealthy, no one person should be bankrolling an entire relationship - and a discussion about who pay for what, and what is realistic, needs to be had.
If she's just looking to travel to get her a lil sumptin sumptin, then she DEFINITELY should pay for the ticket. She's probably just worried about shelling out some dough and the sex is wack...which is understandable. But hey, it's a chance you take when you meet someone...no matter when or where. Personally, I think d*ck should be free...but that's just me. But if you want it, go on and git you some..and put it on your Visa. If it's wack, then at least you know there's no reason to go back...and you'll look for local peen next time. Jus sayin :-)
-b
24 comments:
Fiiiiirst BITCHES!!!
I think I would call myself a traditionalist, more and more so the older I get. At one time I would have said it was cool for her to get her own ticket, and totally finance her trip to where he lives. Now, my thought is that he should come visit her--I don't think she should make the first move. I've learned in my almost 30 years that men do what they want, when they want--so if he realllly wants to see her, then he will do what he has to---be it fly to her, or fly her out to him.
Amen to THATgirl - men do what they want. I too am a 'traditionalist' and I agree with the 'safety first' theme - it's tres dangereux in these streets! Also, when it comes to money, please be upfront - if he can't afford the whole ticket, I'd have no issue contributing, but don't beat around the bush, that's too uncool.
I'm glad Brooke that you didn't make this about money, but about safety. I think a man should make the trip first. There are some crazy folks out here, and maybe it sound sexist, but I think men are safer in these situations than women are...just my opinion.
But if she wants to see him, she can pay for it. But it DOES make me wonder why he's not making any moves. Like it was said, men do what they want when they want to. Real men do anyway. Bitchass ones wait to see what the woman is gonna do. If he was really feeling her, he would have bought the ticket already. If he can't afford it, he should be upfront about it so they can work something out. Otherwise, don't hint at any visits if you aren't prepared to buy a ticket. She should re-evaluate if this "relationship" is one-sided.
He should get his ass on the plane first. I don't care who pays for it (even though i think he should pay for his own flight too), but it's DEFINITELY not safe or cool for her to be the one to travel first. If he's not making any moves, like Jay said, maybe he's really not that into her.
I think he should visit her first & maybe they can split the cost of the ticket. Not safe for her to travel to see him first for all the reasons u said.
She should stay home and find a man locally.Why spend $$$$ on a man she's never met before.Personally I think it looks a little desperate. If he wants to see her and get to know her he can fly here. If she thinks it's worth it maybe they can meet in a neighboring state and meet half way. This way they are on neutral ground and she can maintain her safety.Who knows if this guy is a nut job, hell how does he know she's not a nut job.Long distance relationships are hard enough when you meet locally and then the person moves to another state say for work reasons. But a long distance relationship right out of the gate... I think not.People do not represent who they really are on-line ( THIS CAN HAPPEN LOCALLY AS WELL) when they do the online dating thing. They give you their resume. Safety first.
I agree Stephanie. I wish I had more information on this - like how far away he is, how long this plane ride is, etc. You never know what situation you can may be walking into, and 3 months isn't long enough, in my opinion, to say you really know someone. I barely want people I meet locally to come to my house within 3 months.
I'm sure she feels some sort of comfort level with this dude, and maybe it'll be okay if she went to see him, but I wouldn't take the chance on the first meeting. And if he's not making any moves, I agree with Jay...maybe she's more into HIM than he is into her.
I have to agree with the traditionalist, I wouldn’t make the first trip. If he is really interested in seeing her then he should be willing to make the trip. He should pay for his own ticket and she should pay to put him up in a hotel, if we are talking about safety...crazy is crazy. If she really wants to see him then she should get a plane ticket and go but again she should stay in a hotel and make sure someone she knows has her entire itinerary. I also have to agree with Stef and Jay he is either not that into her or something else is going on. If the topic keeps coming up and nothing ever materializes then that would leave me to wonder what is really up.
I always laugh when women say "If a man wants to do something, they'll do it" or "If a man wants to see you, he'll find the time." Are you, 21st Century, strong, intelligent women inferring that if YOU want to do something you sit and wait for someone to make the move first? Are you REALLY implying that men hold the deed on time management? There is a lot of bitchassness in the world, but let's be real sometimes we don't have all our lives to chase you around the globe.
ahem...
as for this situation, whoever knows more people in the other person's city should make the trip. They should stay at a friend's house and meet for a date...if things go well and they decide to sleep over so be it. It's safe and financially responsible. If it's a draw. The guy should take the trip if he has it and she should be sure to moderate the conversation of panties. If he flies and pays, he'll expect to collect some when he arrives.
after all, he is a man and he'll make time for what he wants...
DAMN YOU, FURY!!! You STOLE MY THUNDER!!! Said everything I was going to say - ESPECIALLY the first paragraph!
I hate when I can't spit it first! Why you gotta think like me, sun??
Lmao...
Anyways, what Fury said. Oh, and here's an idea - why not meet at a neutral site? Meaning...he's in NYC, she's in ATL - meet in DC?? Choose a place where she has friends she can stay with, but it's a different city. He flies in, gets a hotel...and they link up to hang out the first night. If things go well, she goes to the hotel with him...but with all her friends knowing and being able to check on her. If it doesn't, she enjoys time with her friends. And for the first meeting, meet him WITH her friends.
How about that for an idea? Both are putting out money and effort to see each other, so equivalent effort is exuded. And both can go separate ways comfortable if something goes awry.
Damn Rameer didn't mean to steal the thunder. Hopefully you won't remember that when I call you for that bail money. Lol
I like that idea of the neutral city. I def like the friends coming out on the first excursion. That's safety as well as seeing how the person operates with friends. The same should be done with his friends (female & male) as well.
putting yourself out there isn't owned by one gender. Let's get this young lady a husband...or at least some good sex
I'm not saying a dude should chase a woman around the globe, but I'm not gonna keep "hinting" that I want to see a woman and she's clearly responding and then I sit on it to see what she's gonna do. I'm gonna make it happen. I go after what I want, and if she's giving me rhythm, then I'm making some plans. It's not like she's saying "chase me" - she's saying "what's up?!" She said she was willing to come, and then he says nothing? C'mon son.
I agree with Jay, dude isn't into her. Either that or he's broke and doesn't wanna say so. Either way, she should stay her ass home, or suggest what Rameer said as far as meeting in a neutal city. If he doesn't go for that, then dead his ass. He wants you to fly yourself in to give him some ass for free. Don't play yourself.
If a man wants you, or some ass, whichever, he goes after it. At least that's been my experience. If he has a willing participant, what the hell is he waiting for? Like Jay said, she's told him she's willing to come. He "says" he's checking flights, but then doesn't say "why don't we try for this weekend, there's a flight at 5pm" or whatever. If he's not giving her anything, then why should she go all out? Her spidey senses are telling her something isn't right...and it's not just about money. She senses that he's not making any moves. Maybe if he seemed a bit more enthusiastic, she'd buy the damn ticket. But he's not doing or saying anything, so she's hesitating. I would too. It's not about who pays, but in the real interest and intentions. And until she gets the sense that he REALLY wants to see her regardless of money, she should stay put or suggest the meet in a city half way and see how he responds to that. If he doesn't go for it, don't go see him and find someone closer to deal with.
LOL @ Jaz...
She kinda touched on my thought. Not necessarily from the "get some azz" aspect, but more about the fact that you gotta "get up, get out and get somethin" as 'Goodie Mob' once said. Ya'll east coasters don't know bout that...lol.
After all, its an adventure, and a man should enjoy the ride, plane, train, or automobile. Sometimes, it may involve playing an "away game" and that's perfectly fine.
B also hit on some good "dutch" ideals, but if I'm staying for free, you eat for free.
If she's worth it, I'll be checking cheaptickets.com on the regular to see who has the best deal flying to Madagascar, if that's where SHE is.
Meanwhile, when I'm cruisin at 35,000 feet, I'll be bobbin' my head to Erykah Badu's "Window Seat" waiting to hit the ground and see a smiling face. That makes it all worth it.
DMoe aka The Notorious S.L.I.M
sounds like DMoe has done this before ;-)
Now now, DMoe. Don't start none won't be none - I know all about The Dungeon Family!
Me and my cousin (who put ME on) were the first heads rockin' that first Outkast week it dropped. Always been rockin' ALL types of Hip Hop - only East Coast head I know with Mr. Scarface's ORIGINAL album pressing.
"What y'all (Negroes) know about the durrrrty South??" - Goodie MOB
Classic stuff Rameer.
Once Cee-Lo went his own way, that was pretty much the end of the group, but this group had hits and was a big part of Outkast making it big. Alot of their biggest hits have the Goodie Mo-B singin' hooks and ad-libbin.
As for Scarface, he also had some classics. Love that Houston stuff too.
If you wanna go deeper, get that original Geto Boys "Grip it on that other level" CD circa 1991.
Dmoe
what us East Coasters know about Goodie Mob? Huh?? DMoe can't be serious with that. Who's that peeking in my window? BLAOW...oops sorry DMoe! Lol Now DMoe...what you know about Showbiz & AG? Lol
Maybe he's not into her, maybe he's broke. Maybe she needs to stop writing Brookey advice emails and call him and ask him. Women make time for what they want. Lol
Something else I noticed in general (no shots) a lot of women talk the women empowerment, I'm a strong sister don't need a man to hold my door game then when it comes to put up or shut up the traditionalist jumps up out of nowhere. Lol Y'all don't like rejection? Neither do we, but we're expected to accept it and keep moving. She may have to do the same.
Well, I don't think this is about rejection, so much as it is about safety. And that goes both ways. Men need to be careful in these scenarios too. I like the suggestions of meeting in neutral cities and staying with friends or in a hotel vs. at the other person's crib.
And a man can hold a door for me all he wants to :)
LOL....HELL yeah Fury!
Soul Clap is my joint! Picture me rockin the flat-top (3 parts), a Cross Colours outfit, with some Adidas Forums on to match!!!
I liked D.I.T.C too, but those boys were the bomb in the 90's! Hot spot, drop it heavy and a couple of others...Well played my friend. Well played indeed.
DMoe
Geto Boys is my ISH! I used to rock their music all the time...and yes, I have that album. That's when there were FOUR members, not three.
I'm a East coast head, but I was up on Geto Boys, Dungeon Family, Ice-T, Too Short, MC Eiht - you name it, I was up on it before my NY and East Coast peoples were. I was the kid letting the other kids know about N.W.A. and Eazy E...my diverse musical taste extends throughout all genres!
Nothing but truth on the blog about the topic at hand, though. We all seem to agree about keeping it safe and practical.
Yay to neutral city.
Yay to maybe he's playing the ass(I find once you ask a question, you usually already know the answer and just want backup).
Nay to traditionalist jumping out of nowhere. It was always there, lurking but nowadays, rarely nurtured, because it's not 'cool' anymore.
If dude wanted to be there, he would've worked something out by now and be on the flight as we type.
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