Friday, February 5, 2010
TGIF!!!
Do any of you watch Private Practice? If you do, then you know there's some shady goings on between Addison Montgomery (Kate Walsh) and Sam Bennett (Taye Diggs). If you're not a fan of the show, I won't belabor you with details - but in a nutshell, Addison's best friend is Sam's ex-wife - and Addison and Sam were contemplating gettin' busy! Some real trifling, stankadank stuff happening.
I think most of us agree that the rule is YOU CAN'T GO AFTER A FRIEND'S EX. No way, no how, not NEVA! Especially when the person is her ex-HUSBAND and they have a child together - not just some dude or girl you hung out with once.
Sam argued that he was over his ex-wife, that SHE left HIM, and that he's moved on. But do you move on with your ex-wife's best friend? Uh, do you really have to ask...???
Addison eventually said no to his advances, saying that she can't betray her best friend - but she had to think about it first. I mean REALLY think about it. She kissed him, contemplated sleeping with him, but decided against it because, as her best friend said, "that would make her the worst person ever." So she didn't do it.
But I'm sure that's not the end of the story since we ARE talking about a tv drama here. My fellow Private Practice fans, stay tuned for more foolishness to ensue.
But my question to you is this: Is it EVER okay to date a friend's ex? And when I say "ex", I mean "ex-anything" - ex-crush? ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? ex-f*ck buddy? ex-dude-you-just-met-one-time-but-wasn't-feelin'-him-like-that?
I think it depends on the parties involved, the circumstances, the level of trust and honesty, and A LOT of maturity. It MIGHT be okay if your friend accidentally stumbled upon the same dude you just happened to meet online, but the relationship never went anywhere. But probably NOT okay if your friend was pining away after the guy you just got out of a 2-year relationship with - or your EX-SPOUSE!
So blog family - is it ever okay to date your friend's ex? Have you ever wanted to date a friend's ex but refrained out of respect for your friendship? Has a friend's ex ever approached you, and you had to THINK about reciprocating? Or is anyone your friend ever even LOOKED at off limits?
Holla at me!
-b
71 comments:
First B*tches!?
FIRST BITCHES!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NEVER!!!! I have never supported the "it aint no fun if my homies can't have none" craziness. Sorry I am not Columbus, I'm not trying to discover something that has already been discovered. Especially when that person is a friend of mine. I dont care if they say "yeah Im cool with it" oh hell no...nope, sorry, dont care.....ok I'm done
Dammit Monica!!!
ANYWAY...HELL NO it's not okay to go after a friend's ex. I don't care what the circumstances are, it's not cool. And I'd beat my best friend's ASS if she went after my ex husband. There are enough men in the world where she can find someone else - not my EX!
I'm with Midnight on this one - I don't want nothing my boys had. I'm not even checkin for you like that. I rarely even think my boys' girlfriends are even cute like that, because once they're with her, then she automatically looks like a "play cousin" to me. No way, NEVER!
One of my boy's ex's tried to step to me once and I quickly let her know how fucked up she was. She was just trying to get back at him if you ask me, even though she claims she always had a "thing" for me. Not only did I shoot her trifling ass down, I called him right there on the spot like "guess what your girl just did?" I didn't have to think about it, contemplate, nothing! Off limits, period!
You don't get your boy back like that!
AHAHAHAHA I MADE IT!!! lol
ok well I think it is NEVER ok to date a friends ex, especially if your friend has married them AND had kids with them! I mean who really has to ask themselves if that is ok or not? It's TRIFLIN!
Now if your friend had a crush and it never went anywhere, then I think it shouldn't be a problem BUT I would still talk to them about it. I wouldn't want my friend thinking I was shady or doing something behind her back. When I say it never went anywhere I mean the two of them never messed around or had sex. Attraction is attraction but when the lines have been crossed there is no rewinding or pretending it didn't happen. At the end of the day that person becomes off limits no matter how attracted I am to them.
LMAO Sorry Stef!
Playing devil's advocate. What if you and a friend think the same guy is fine, but he doesn't belong to either of you. Your friend sees him first, has been liking him for a while, but has no claim to him. Then one day, he tries to holla at YOU. Do you go for it, even though it might hurt your friend's feelings that he likes you and not her - or do you stay away out of respect for your friend's feelings?
I think Monica kinda answered my question :)
Brooke!!! How did I KNOW you were gonna blog about this after we watched together last night??!!! LMAO
LOL! Jeff, you know me SO well!
yeah, it was fun watching Private Practice with you last night. I wanted to go thru the tv and choke the life out of Addison and Sam. It's bad enough poor Naomi is going thru with their pregnant 15 year old daughter - but then her best friend is sneaking around with her ex-husband ON TOP OF IT??
Man listen...I'd snatch that chick bald-headed.
As for Jaz's question - I think the guy is fair game, but like Monica said, I think it would be worth a conversation with the friend first. If the friend is immature, then she may take it hard...but I would assume she'd be a gracious "loser" and wish you well. I've been in this situation before and my "friend" actually didn't talk to me for like 2 weeks after she found out that the guy she was crushing on had an interest in me. But it wasn't like I never stated my interest in him either, so it didn't throw her for a loop. I think her ego was just bruised...but she eventually got over it. Hopefully, nothing like that would come between a true, genuine friendship.
@Jaz,
I don't think the guy would be off limits. I think I would just go to the friend and tell her upfront that he and I are interested in each other and ask her how she felt about it. If she was upset about it, depending on how good a friend she was, I'd consider not dating him. But that sounds very "high school" and I would think any friend of mine would understand and act maturely about it. But some women (and men) have huge egos, and would probably consider you a backstabber or something. Silly, but possible.
As is obvious by my past postings, I've had A LOT of life experiences that deal with many of the topics. This one is no different...
Short answer is what everyone else has said - NO. Absolutely NOT. I ain't like Captain Cable - I don't look at my boy's ex-girls as play cousins. If they look good, THEY LOOK GOOD! Lmao! But like Stef said - there are plenty of other people in the world to choose from.
It used to be if I was REALLY close with a girl and we were just friends, one of two things had happened - we had either dated in the past and moved on still on good terms (but realizing we couldn't be in a romantic relationship), or that woman had dated one of my boys and was still cool with all of us. In the latter case, that happened A LOT - I was always cool with my boy's ex-girl's if things didn't end badly. I tended to wind up cooler with them than my boys (who, unlike me, tend to not remain AS cool with their ex's).
Twice in my life, I could've messed with one of my people's ex-girls. Twice, I said NAY. It's just such a violation, and you put your boy/girl in such an awkward emotional position.
I WILL say a dude who used to be really tight with me once just TALKED about the fact that he WOULD mess with a particular ex of mine if she were ever interested (she wasn't). Just seriously having that mindset (on top of other selfish activity he had exhibited over the years) caused me to end our friendship. Had he done the act? No - but to even have that mindset to essentially choose a piece of arse over my feelings and our friendship let me know he was someone I didn't need in my life as a close friend.
To this day, we're not tight, even though we are tight with the same crew of people. I won't name him, but Serena - you KNOW him from school.
Going with your people's ex is the ULTIMATE betrayal. It's why it's the basis for "Springer", "Maury" and all the rest of the welfare TV shows (that's what I call 'em - cuz people who don't have jobs are the ones who know and see EVERY EPISODE). I think you're basically a selfish piece of crap to even consider it...
Oh - and I agree with Monica in the case of approaching someone your friend liked but never messed with...
I would never date a friends ex or any of my exes friends for that matter. I would feel sooo uncomfy. Luckily my friends & I don't have the same taste in men.
Ex's are off-limits.
Its just bad business, and if there's a "grey area" when it comes to things you have questions about based on friendships, you already have your answer.
Stay Thirsty. Oh, and one last question: Who Dat?
DMoe
DMoe and this damn Super Bowl :)
Are you going to NO or Miami for it? I want one of those pork olive sandwiches :) LOL!
I have an ex whose friend was VERY flirtatious with me. He always told him how pretty I was and how lucky he was to have me, but in a very suggestive way. I think he would have gotten with me if I was with it. After we broke up, he would always call to "check on me" and ask if we could hang out, which was so odd to me. My ex found out that he was calling me and they had it out and are not friends anymore...so Rameer, I feel you.
My friends and I don't have the same taste in men either Annamaria, so that's a good thing! :)
olive and pork sandwich...ewwww.
I'm sure it's delicious, just doesn't sound like it in print :)
Yeah, Stef...it's like why would you poach on your friend's ex? How morally ambivalent can you BE?
But people actually DO this type of crap. And, not trying to start any gender war here - but in my lifetime, I've seen women do this to each other moreso than men. I don't know why, either.
My theory - women tell their girls more intimate details about EVERYTHING than dudes do. Example - I would never tell my boys about my girl's "tricks" while we were still together. But a woman might tell her girlfriend "gurrrrrrrrl - his tongue is longer than a snake's and he like 2 dip me in strawberry sauce..." - thus peaking the interest of a trifling friend...
Anyone else agree or disagree?
damn missed Private Practice last night but I have to agree with you BLOG family. It is never a good idea to date ANY friends EX. EVER, NEVER EVER. Just the thought of it makes me nauseous.
@ Jaz even if no one has a claim on a dude/dudette if you know your friend is interested in that person why you would even go there. I think that is way tacky and disrespectful to your friend.
This situation happened to two friends of mine this summer on our annual girl’s trip. Friend #1 is my best friend. Friend #2 is a girl Friend #1 was trying to bring into our circle. We go to bar and fri#1 sees a guy she likes they start chit chatting he buys her a drink. Fri#1 goes to the dance floor for like 30 minutes, comes back to the bar and Fri#2 is sucking face with said guy. We are all looking at this heffer like REALLY!! Friend #1 handles it very graciuosly and doesn't miss a beat and is really not that upset because said guy is really irrelavent. HOWEVER, IT IS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER. Let us just say fri#2 is no longer in the picture and is devastated that she is not part of the crew anymore. She did a few other no no's on the trip as well but REALLY, WHO DOES THAT!
I think I'm with the majority when I say it's generally not cool to go after a friend's ex- especially a friend's ex SPOUSE. It would make me think you've always had a thing for them, or that something shady happened before that person and I became "exes" - even if that wasn't the case. It's just a respect thing...and possibly a trust issue. Not sure I'd want a friend who would consider such a thing, let alone possibly ACT on it. How good of a friend could they possibly be?
Now if it's a woman I just LOOKED at, but never had any type of relationship with at all, then go for it. But an ex-girlfriend or spouse is definitely off limits, and I'd never go there with any of my boys. Just not worth it.
I'm still trying to figure out how I'd feel if my boy remained friends with an ex of mine who wasn't originally their friend. If we were all mutual friends, then cool. But if not, and they never seemed "friendly" while we were dating...I'd give that the side eyey. I probably wouldn't have a problem with it tho I guess.
@Stephanie,
I think that's totally different! And Friend#2 deserves to be kicked out of the circle. I'm talking more about you both see a guy who might be on your wish list, but neither of you have made contact, and both of you expressed interest - not one of you who is actually in the midst of trying to get to know a guy! That's just wrong!
I agree with Jaz.
And Jigga - yeah, being cool with a your boy's ex if HE ain't cool with her is shady as all hell. I'm only cool with my people's ex if THEY are cool with them. That's it. If things ended badly or they don't really communicate, the most I can do is be cordial if I see the ex - no keeping in contact AT ALL.
I once had MY BROTHER'S ex try to get me to venture "there". Couldn't do it. Ironic thing is, my brother went out/messed with THREE ex's when we were younger (we were adults when HIS ex tried). But I didn't care - one was a girlfriend I had cut back and he went there long after we were done, and the other two, nothing really developed before I ended it. In each case, he asked me if it was cool first, and I had no problem with it.
That would be my only exception to this rule that I can think of, I guess...
Dating your friend's ex is "off limits" for sure!!!!! Why would I want her sloppy seconds when I can get my own dish nice, fresh and hot!!
@ Rameer us women do need to be careful on how much info we share with your girlfriends. Women must know who are their "Gurls" (ride or die chics who would never disrepect you) or chics that they may deal with only in certain situations either way I'm not sharing graphic blow by blow details on what went down between my man and me.
@Stef -
Since I just got back from N.O for the NFC game and I'm goin back home next week, I decided to take it easy...Miami is my spot, but I decided to chill with friends on this end...
@B - Dont sleep on Muffulettas, and don't let the descrip fool you...The "olive" stuff merely serves like mayo.
Once you've had one, you LOVE it!
Dmoe
I agree Rameer, I think women talk too much when talking to their girlfriends about their men - I've been guilty of it myself. I don't give "dirty details" per se, as I'm usually pretty tight lipped about that stuff, but I have gone on and on about a guy I was smitten with more than I should have. I've since grown up :)
I know plenty of guys who would love to be with their friend's current or ex girlfriends, but just know not to cross that line. But I've known far more women who would look at their ex's friend a certain way. Most of my exes didn't have any fine ass friends tho ;) LOL!
oh, and DMoe, I'll take your word for it. Just something about pork and olives didn't sound tempting to me :)
Is anyone having a Super Bowl party? I don't wanna be snowed in all weekend :(
I'm having a little set Brooke, feel free to come thru...I can even pick you up if you don't wanna trek through the snow :)
Okay - glad you commented and wrote that, ArrElle and Brooke-Ra. Cuz any time I say that, it seems some women get upset at that observation...even though I know plenty of women who agree with my statement. In fact, I first had it brought to my attention years ago by a bunch of women talking about relationships.
Go to Jigga's and watch the Super Bowl. You know you *want to*. Lolz! ;-)
did someone write "dirty details"? Lol that ish is like the bat signal to me.
best friend's exes nope, bad deal. Now I've piped exes of nukkas I kinda knew. Hey these things happen. I kinda knew the nukka after they broke off then lo and behold "oooh y'all know each other?" oh well.
if there's a clandestine relationship popping then who the hell knows who we've sexed. I know most of y'all went to college...y'all know those late night creeps.
here's the flip of the switch. I dealt with a chick that actually suggested to her friend that she "get some". Like "yeah try that milkshake" style. Whoa! Flattered yes...disturbed, slightly. The friend told me like "ummm..she told me I need to fuck you."
@Brooke don't forget Addison slept with HER ex-husbands best friend when they were still married. She's shameless
I think she should go too :)
I think Midnight, DMoe and Rameer are the only guys not interested in Brooke-Ra :)
But even Fury said he wants to "give her something she can feel" LOL!! Go Brooke! LOL!
Oh Fury, I know Addison's history, TRUST ME! That's why she was like "I'm a cheater, that's what I do!" Scandalous!!!
I think Naomi would beat the living daylights outta her!
and I secrety hope she does! :)
@Stef, none of these guys want me :) They just playing around :)
@Brooke,
Don't speak for me ;-)
Private Practice has gotten better - but I hate that Sam and Naomi had to be the ones with the pregnant 15 year old kid.
Methinks Stef has blog amnesia. I've been very upfront before I was in a relationship - I would have made A MAJOR PLAY to be with Brooke-Ra if we lived in closer proximity. And Brooke-Ra, don't front - even YOU acknowledged that I've said that in the past.
But I DON'T live closer, and I DO have a girl now. So I'm currently on Team Hov.
Brooke-Ra - you better take your arse over that man's crib and watch the Super Bowl. Take some Riesling or Moscato with you...
;-)
I must've missed that. And I'm talking about NOW...Jay is ON IT!
Sorry Cable Guy - but she don't want you man! LOL!!
A bunch of traitors! All of you!
LOL!!
It's all good, I'm not out of the running yet! I can take on one dude - but if DMoe, Midnight, Fury, or anyone else came out the woodwork, I'd have my work cut out for me! Good thing it's just Jay. lol!
@Stef Not interested? oh Brooke knows she can come to my secret hideout any time.
@Fury,
Well, the way you write, I might have to advise her to go to your hideout to see what all that is about! Cuz DAMN!!!
LMAO @Stef....yeah you tell her.
As for the writing, got a crew you better tell 'em! LOL
Friends do NOT mess with friends' exes. Period. When emotions or sex was involved, then you can't go there. Surely there are other men/women a person can date besides their friend's ex.
I've never had a friend's ex come on to me, but how many of you would tell if your friend's ex DID come on to you? Would it matter even if they were broken up - is it worth telling?
@Fury,
I already forwarded your blog to a few of my friends, who promptly asked me "are you trying to get me fired?!" Definitely not to be read at work! One of my friends challenged her boyfriend to go down on her for an hour, and he was like "nobody can do that!"
I was like "I bet you Fury can!"
Maybe Brooke should find out! LOL!
Why y'all all up in MY business??
Fury can do it, don't ask me how I know :)
@Ms. Penn,
It depends on who the friend was if I'd tell...and how exactly they came at me, and how long it was since they broke up. Not that it matters, but some things aren't worth dredging up. If it was some casual acquaintance, I might not say anything...I'd just reject the dude and keep it movin. But if it was a serious relationship, I think I would mention it. I wouldn't want to hurt my friend, but at the same time, I'd feel weird keeping that secret.
BROOKE!!!
Did you just TELL on yourself?? LOL!! WOW!!! Go Fury!
If my friend's ex hit on me, damn straight I'm telling!
@Stef,
No I'm not telling on myself. All I said was he can do it...and I said don't ask me how I know :)
So presumptuous! geesh! ;-)
Caaaaable Guyyyyyyyyy!
*screams Yolanda as she falls into a deepening, empty pit of Team Cable...looks around, realizes she's alone*
@Stef - yes Fury can! Thanks for being a cheerleader.
LMAO @Brooke thanks for giving me that vote of confidence. I know you know and I know HOW you know too!
@Yolanda, you're team Cable Guy? Hmm, He's a nice guy, I'm sure. Do you have something against Team Fury? It's a sexy team too ;-)
oh yeah @Stef Thanks for the blog love all around. Def not a work read unless you're on a smart phone for mobile hotness
I'm keeping you for myself, Fury.
:-)
I'm not buying it Brooke! LOL!
@Fury, yeah, they all said they either read it at home or quickly printed it out, waited nervously by the printer at work so no one would see it, and then read it on their way home on the train :)
Mobile hotness indeed!
Brooke, when is Fury guest blogging for you? I say he should blog for the next TMI Tuesday!
Yolanda, you my girl! You always got my back. Thank you!
Forget you Stef! hater!
Fury, you going after Brooke now too? Damn!
Brooke, he just WRITES a good game! I read that Poetry story, it's all fiction! LMAO!!
FORGET YOU TOO CABLE GUY!!!
You just mad cuz Jay and Fury got more game than you :-)
LMAO a reader sent me an email about how she waited by the printer and grabbed the story as her boss approached. Very funny.
@Yolanda...oh my! saving all this lust for yourself, huh. Mmmmhmmm
@The Cable Guy thanks for that compliment on the Poetry story...I think. LOL I'm not going after Brooke. I'm just making her aware of my presence to unleash any of her inner freak if she feels the urge to do so.
Back on topic (sorry Brooke)....
I've had friends of women I was kicking it to flirt with me. When I told one woman, she said "yeah, she's always trying to fuck the men I fuck" Which made me wonder if the chick really wanted to get with her too...turns out I was right!
no apologies necessary...we're all just chatting :)
SEE BROOKE! Fury doesn't want YOU for all the beautiful woman you are. He just wants to SEX you, I want to WIFE you :) LOL!!
The Poetry story was definitely hot, but it's fiction! Great writing though :)
Okay, okay...so maybe Fury isn't it since he just wants to freak you Brooke. But Jay...he's the ONE!
Wow @Cable Guy...you're that kinda guy. huh. LOL
ALL of the stories are TRUE. Nothing false or exaggerated. I've even adjusted some of the more graphic details in cases.
Brookey knows she's beautiful, intelligent and very much respected by me.
Hey @ Stef if I Guest blog any suggestions on what I should write about? I can't really do a story on Brooke's blog
I love how everyone is telling Brooke who to date :) Are we sure these people even really exist?!
Brooke knows who is best for her, and the man for her will reveal himself to be true.
But nice to have admirers, right? :)
As for women vying for their friends exes...or even current boyfriends, that's just foul. Women are naturally competitive for men since we outnumber you all, but there has to be a line drawn when it comes to friendship. The shortage isn't THAT bad that we need to undermine our friendships just to say we have a man. I want to be held just as much as the next woman - but not by my friend's ex!
@Fury,
I was hoping for a story. I'm sure Brooke won't mind. Unless her readers have ADD :)
Chris Rock said men can't go backwards sexually - so does that mean all men who are married are married to the woman who they've had the best sex with? Maybe you can write about that - unless you're not married and don't know.
Or maybe you can write about the best sexual experience you've ever had and invite us to share ours?
I don't know!! Just write something! ANYTHING! LOL!
Is there a time limit on dating the friend's ex? What if they were boyfriend and girlfriend in junior high school? Does that count? high school? college?
@Stef you're giving me some ideas. the best sex thing is hard. I've had some great sex and for different reasons. I couldn't narrow it down.
@Brooke As usual, I am at your disposal. However you take that to mean;-)
Also I want to quickly say,there are some wondrously sexy, vibrant and intelligent women that read this blog. I like the company you guys keep.
Why thank you...you sexy super hero you!
Brooke, where do you FIND these men?! LOL!
Well then it's settled - you can guest blog for the next TMI Tuesday - Tuesday, March 2nd :-)
Yes, my blog family of women are the shiznit!
Very nice compliment Fury. Brooke sets the tone with her vibrant, intelligent self. It's a pleasure to read her thoughts everyday :)
Thanks Fury! Flattery will get you everywhere :)
I'm all for Fury guest blogging. I thought Brooke wrote some suggestive stuff, but it's nothing like Fury writes. Her readers will be in for a surprise!
When are we doing our blog speed dating?
Let's get some marriages going, dammit.
oh, don't get it twisted - Brooke writes some erotica herself! And it rivals Fury...TRUST!
I went to his site, good stuff! If that Poetry story is true, then lucky girl!
@Yolanda,
You can be my featured Sexy Single next Friday if you want to guest blog? :)
oh, and thanks Ms. Penn! That made me smile :)
Hmmmmm
*deep thoughts*
LOL @ Brooke happily locking me in for a guest blog date. Anything for you, honey.
Brooke definitely writes some sexy stuff. DO NOT SLEEP. She's a LIONESS in sheep's clothing.
Thank you all for the compliments and thanks Brookey for allowing me to be a part of the conversations.
Ok...I'm going to blow everyone away with this one...
I have a very good friend who is MARRIED to her EX's Best friend.
They are all cool. They all still hang out together. The BF was the best man at the wedding.
I've hung around them. Its not awkward and The married couple is made for each other.
So while I have previously thought that this is completely taboo...this is an example of how it can work out in the end.
A "lioness"? Hear me roar! or "purr" ;-) LOL!
Thanks Fury!
Very atypical story anonymous, but I guess it can happen!
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