Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Happy Tuesday!

So we've been asking Rameer for months now to write a "Bitchassness Blog." He has said that a blog like that would be too broad, and potentially too long, to write - which is understandable. So, what I've decided to do, should any man decide to take on the challenge, is submit blogs about cases or examples of "bitchassness" that are running rampant in our community. First to accept this challenge is your boy Jay. Let's go!

The Definition of Bitchassness...by Jay

I totally feel Rameer when he says the subject of bitchassness is a broad one. I think before any blog can be written about it, we need to define it - because it has so many meanings and can encompass so many things. The Urban Dictionary defines "Bitchassness" multiple ways:


1.Term coined by Diddy on Making the Band. Overall stank actions towards others through words, facial expressions, and/or song. Symptoms include: thinking your better than those around you, not speaking your true feelings, throwing large amounts of shade.

2. Newly discovered disease running rampant, especially in the black community. Symptoms include: 1.punkish tendencies (see pussy) 2. cattiness, such as talking behind someone's back 3. thinking highly of yourself, but only expressing it under your breath 4.claiming "hurt feelings" when you are called out on your bullshit

3. 1.Whining or throwing little pussy fits 2. Having your feelings hurt too easy 3. A HATER 4. acting "salty."

4. A type of negative emotion; hateration; to be/act like a bitch or a coward about a situation. Throwing shade because you can't do something about your situation. Crying like a bitch about simple shit. The act of being a bitch, unable to pull your skirt up and handle your shit.

I'll stop there. And the bolded areas are what I want to discuss today when it comes to men and expressing ourselves relationships.

We all know that men aren't as good as women are sometimes when it comes to expressing our feelings. We tend to hold them in - and when we let them out, we're not always smooth about it. But when you're in a relationship, you don't always have the luxury of being selfish and not putting your feelings on the table - especially when the other person is owed an explanation for something you did, are NOT doing, or could be doing better.

Now, a REAL man will speak his mind, and be respectful and tactful about it. He won't blame others for his shortcomings. He'll listen to his woman - not blame her for her feelings or be dismissive of them. And when he's addressed, he won't be an asshole in his response, and he won't make the other person feel like it's her fault that we acted like a jerk.

Women and men are different. Figuring out a woman can be the hardest thing in the world. Their feelings are complex, sometimes they over-analyze, or think too much. But if you love someone, it's your job to try to figure them out as best you can. Not easy, but necessary. And if you truly pay attention to the woman you're seeing, it's not always that hard if she expresses herself to you. Yes, there are some women who want you to "get them." They want you to read their minds. But it's mostly because men are dumb and women expect us to think, and feel and rationalize as they do. I get it. That's just a woman "thing."

But when MEN do that, it's straight bitchassness.

Nothing is worse than a man who throws shade at a woman because he wants her to ask him, "What's wrong?" or "What did I do?" Nothing is worse than a man who can't speak his mind and tell you what's bothering him. Nothing is worse than a man who displays "woman" tendencies. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible :-)

It's time for men to man up in relationships...and if you can't, then don't be in one. You're not in junior high school anymore, and the games should have stopped being played back when your voice was beginning to change. Men AND women who play games are wack...but even more so when a man does it simply because it's a punk way of existing.

Everyone wants to feel wanted and appreciated. But to try to trick your way into getting that response from someone just to feel secure or validated is stupid...and weak. Women are not daycare workers or therapists, so they shouldn't be babying you or holding your hand asking you what the problem is. Grow up, MAN UP, and tell her what's on your mind instead of trying to make someone figure out why your punk ass is acting like a bitch.

Real men know what I'm talking about, and if you think I'm talking about you, then I am.

- Jay


Stef said...


Stef said...

Now that's I've read this, all I can say is JAY!! you are ON POINT! Some men nowadays are just assholes for no reason... especially around holiday time. I'm telling you, men nowadays need to wear a skirt so we can spot your bitchassness a mile away instead of wasting our time finding out. Like Brooke said last week, it's asshole season!

Jaz said...

Jay, you are so right about this! I just went thru something similar where I would notice that this guy I was seeing was acting strange or distant. I'd ask him what was wrong or tell him how I was feeling, and he totally tried to flip it on me and then cry about how HE was the victim. I thought I was talking to a woman!

There are some men who know how to express themselves, but others are just terrible at it when they want attention or are feeling neglected. They sulk and whine and try to draw you in, not realizing it makes them appear like a girl. No woman wants to date a man who acts like a woman - we have our girlfriends for that nonsense. Thanks for the blog Jay!

The Cable Guy said...

Well damn Jay, tell it like it is!

And your right, alot of men ARE bitches when it come to relationships. We don't man up when our women need us to. Some of us hide, becuz we don't know how to ask for what we want or need and make it worse by acting like women. It's an epidemic, glad you shed some light on it.

good blog!

Jay said...


The blog was really brought on by a female friend of mine who is going through something with a guy she's seeing. Just the way she describes this dude is just the definition of bitchassness.

I feel sorry for women nowadays, especially great ones like my friend. She can have anyone she wants, but unfortunately so many men suffer from bitchassness, that's not really saying much when you think of the choices.

This dude is acting like a jerk, but then being passive agressive, combative for no reason, but then fishes for compliments, and then sulks when he doesn't get his way. I can understand if he was trying to break it off, which he might be, but the way he's going about it all is so wack to me! Even if you want to end a relationship, be a man about it! And if you don't want to end it, stop pushing people away by acting like a girl. I swear, if I didn't know she had been intimate with this dude, I'd swear he was gay by the way he was acting. No man should behave that way.

Stef said...

Dude sounds like a cornball to me!

And why do men do that? If you wanna break up, then just say so. I think men think women are much weaker than we are. Women don't mind being told the truth, it's when you try to make US break up with YOU that's wack. We KNOW when you're doing it, and it makes it easier to walk away from your ass because we can see what a bitchass you are. Maybe men don't care how they're perceived, but I'd never want someone to have a negative view of me or think I was a coward simply because it's easier or I wasn't woman enough to handle my business.

Brooke said...

I agree with everything Jay wrote, and I love that it was written from a man's point of view.

Too many times, we women can echo those same sentiments, but it comes off as being a "complainer" or just us giving men a hard time. I'm glad Jay was able to tell it like it really is sometimes.

As for men throwing shade or acting "punkish" - I can't be bothered. I just keep being me and let them wallow in their own misery. I can't and won't give in to that. If you want to be a jerk, then be one...and have fun with that. Like Jay said, I don't have time for hand holding and coddling. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Otherwise, don't waste my time. Life is too short for games...and there are no winners in situations like the one he described. There are plenty of good men out there who ARE men, so we should focus our attention on those who don't subscribe to the "punk way of existing." LOL!

annamaria said...

All I can say is WOW! Great blog Jay!!! Great blog!

Jay said...

Thanks Annamaria :)

And Brooke, you're right. Don't give in to it, you're too fly for that. That's what weak men want you to do...don't fall for the okie doke. Those men are idiots.

Bitchass men should all be put on an island somewhere by themselves. Leave the real men here for our women so the games can stop.

Tony said...


I've got nothing more to say about that!

Anonymous said...

Jay you hit it on the nose. there are so many men today acting like bitches. I have a male cousin who is a total bitchass. When i tried to check him on it in a loving way he had the nerve to blame his behavior on his mother and the fact that he didn't have his father in his life to teach him how to be a man. He said his mom did everything for him and it's given him unrealistic expectations of the women in his life. So I told him what he's really looking for is a mother who he bangs. And no woman in her right mind wants to be that girl. I let him know that there could be about a 10% chance that he may have a point. I get that even some MEN have daddy issues but that doesn't mean as a man you lack common sense. I love this blog, I enjoy all the comments that both the men and women give even on the days when I have no time to respond.

Brooke said...

If your cousin can recognize the problem and still uses it as an excuse, that's wack. He may have some valid points, but if you can vocalize it, and SEE it, then DO something about it.

Yolanda said...

Whattup people! I'm back and extra black n' crispy!

Great blog, Jay!

It's a shame more men, REAL men, aren't stepping in to show these young men how not to be bitchass. Otherwise, this is a disease that's going to take over far beyond anything we're complaining about now.

Jay said...


He's using that excuse as a crutch to continue his bitchass ways, no disrespect to you or him. And like you said, some of what he says has some validity to it. I agree that there are a lot of women out here raising boys alone and who have no idea how to raise a MAN. And how could they? They're not MEN. Only a man can raise a man. And if he had no real role models, then I can see why he's a bitchass.

BUT, now it's time for him to step up and stop using that shit as excuse. Like Brooke said, if he can articulate it, he should try to do something about it instead of justifying it.

Jay said...

@Yolanda, welcome back!

And you're right. That's why I mentor as much as I can. I don't expect a boy to be able to control how he was raised, but if I see a kid exhibiting bitchass tendencies, I try to step right in. I can't complain about it unless I'm trying to help solve the damn problem.

Rameer said...

My man Jigga!

Phenomenal job, bruh. You touched on a lot of good points. I would've written many of the same observations had I done the ever-elusive Bitchassness blog, but I'd go deeper in to the history, reasons, how to combat, differing examples, etc. Like you acknowledged - it's a MASSIVELY broad topic. But you did a FANTASTIC job giving a good overview of the symptoms and actions of Bitchass men.

I often point out I was raised in a family of women...however, the men in my family went out of their way to prevent me from growing up and being how these dudes are nowadays. There were a ton of methods, some of which people nowadays may not agree with - but essentially, they believe, as I do, that it worked. Although I can by "hyper-masculine" as a result at times...but they told me to speak my mind, stand behind my word, step up and take responsibility for my actions, own up to who and what I am, etc.

The thing about bitchassness...is that a lot of it is ENCOURAGED in the men who do it! Like the example of the brotha who used his mom as an excuse...I bet that excuse works on a lot of women. I see women defending and enabling these bitchass men all the time - and I see some men doing it too. And it thus continues to spread.

That sulking, sucking your teeth, jealous-acting, "read my thoughts/know how I feel" bullcrap is TOO extra moist for me. Say what you feel, man! I tell every woman in my life to just say it...I'll be damned if I'm gonna try to figure out a man's mindset too! And it's easy to say that a cause is men being raised by single mothers - by hell, a large percentage of dudes were raised that way when I was coming up, and THEY weren't bitchasses!!! This phenomenon began in the very late 90s and exploded in the new millennium.

Those Making The Band kids were like Exhibit A. And girls LIKE fools like this! I often say - the gender roles have become reversed. Women maintain the male role, and men are jumping in the women role of old school. She's working, getting extra degrees, attaining property, etc. HE'S gossiping on the block, throwing shade at neighbors and knows every episode of Judge Judy since he's at home all day and doesn't work. Women used to not work cuz they were taking care of the family/kids. These dudes don't work cuz they're LAZY wastes of matter.

**takes a breath**

Let me stop before I REALLY start ranting. GREAT JOB. Jigga!kinedi

Rameer said...

Ignore the "kinedi". That was my word verification thing...

And I'm glad to hear you mentor, Jigga. I do too - been doing it for years. It's important to be there for the kids as the older gods were there for me. Though the kids I mentor in my program are overwhelmingly girls - the dudes listen to me on the block; they won't join programs, oddly enough. So I'm always in the hood talking to the dudes...

DMoe said...

Excellent sentiments Jay.

Very well-said and you covered the various points on this topic. Seems like mentoring young boys would be a great way to prevent a 'bitchass' future.

Each one teach one.


Jay said...

Mentoring young girls is just as important, so that they know not to encourage bitchass behavior like you said. There are women out there who are natural nurturers, and want to be somebody's mama - even their man. Stop that shit.

You can't complain about bitchass men if you're encouraging that behvior. The reason why men are behaving a certain way sometimes is because they can get away with it! Some women interpret that as a man being "sensitive" or "in touch with his feelings." F that.

No, he's a bitchass. And no real women want that. Some men interpret expressing feelings as being a punk, but it's not. It's how it's done. Some of this stuff can't be taught, it can only be learned by example...which is why I mentor. But women can help by not allowing a weak man to be one. You can't change him, but you can bounce his ass when you see it. Then maybe he'll get a clue.

Rameer said...

Exactly, Jigga.

You and I are 100% on the same page...

Jaz said...

I'm back, but you all might have left already.

But question - so if being a real man is learned by example and men may have been raised a certain way, then are bitchass men doomed to be that forever?

Jay said...

Hey Jaz, I'm still here.

And no, bitchass men aren't doomed. No one is doomed to be who they are if there's something they want to change, especially not if they recognize it. No matter how you were raised, where, what you saw growing up or how you were all your life - it doesn't have to define you, and if you can see it's wrong and want to change something about yourself, then you can take steps to do it.

Most men don't like to be called out for their bullshit, willful ignorance. But you can go thru life being an asshole if you don't care, or you can man up and take responsibility for yourself. No one is doomed to anything. And women don't have to settle for someone who doesn't want to be a better person.

Chance said...

This is a great blog.

@Stephanie, do we know the same person? lol!

I work with a guy who hems and haws about not growing up with a good father figure (even though his parents are married)and uses it as an excuse for not committing to and marrying a perfectly good woman who he's been seeing for at least 3 years. He's the definition of what Jay is talking about. For some reason he likes to come to me to vent. Everyone in our office thinks that we should get together....to that I say hell to the no. I wouldn't want him becuase a)he's unavailable and I don't play that and b)I want a MAN, not a child that crumbles at the first sign of trouble or pressure.One day I shut him down. I get that not having a father impacts you (I haven't heard a word from mine in over 20 years), but after a while, that excuse doesn't fly and you have to man up and decide to seek out some mentors that will mature you emotionally and spiritually. I have personally introduced dude to potential mentors, but you can't want something for someone more than they want it.

For men that think this way, do they really think that EVERY woman has received what she's needed to be a good woman from their moms? N-O. Everyone has issues; get over it.

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