Monday, November 16, 2009
Hola mi gente!
I'm so tired today I can barely keep my eyes open. That's what I get for waiting til 11:45pm to drive back to NY. Yes, I was buggin last night. But I had a great weekend with my family celebrating my mom's birthday, which is actually TODAY. Happy Birthday Mommy!
Now, on to today's topic.
I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the tv show Tough Love on VH1. I got hooked on it during its first season, and now they're back with Season 2. While I missed the premiere last night (watching football), I will DEFINITELY catch it on one of its many repeats. If you're not familiar with the show, here is a trailer to give you an idea of this guy's style of "tough love."
The reason I like this guy so much is because he tells it straight like it is. While most of his advice is like "duh...we all know that" - it's good to hear (again) every once in a while just how a man's brain works. While these women fall under the extreme cases of those who truly don't have a clue, a lot of his insights are pretty valuable reminders of what NOT to do when dating.
Let's take this dating tip for instance.
Now, I agree that a woman shouldn't have all their kids' names picked out or start ordering wedding invitations after your first date to the movies together; but I do think it's important to state what you want in the early stages of a relationship. First date? Maybe not. But don't wait til after you've been seeing the guy for a year and you still have no idea if marriage is something he sees in his future.
On a first date, just take your time and get to know him. You may decide later that you don't even really LIKE him. Everyone puts their best foot forward when just getting to know someone. Give it a few months for the other person's flaws to rear their ugly head. If these are flaws you can live with, and you still think he's your future baby daddy, then feel him out on the subject of marriage and/or children. If he's feeling you, he won't run from the conversation. But if he stalls, or changes the subject, or suddenly moves to Africa...then you have your answer.
I think one of the many reasons a lot of relationships fail is because the parties involved don't discuss what they want and expect from each other. There's nothing wrong with telling someone that you'd like to get married and have kids one day. I think it's important not to waste anyone's time.
But there's a difference between telling someone what you'd like one day, and ramming it down someone's throat that you want to marry HIM...like...TOMORROW. Ease into it, be patient and simply enjoy each other's company for a while. Your bridesmaids don't have to be picked just yet...it can wait a lil bit :-)
-b
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23 comments:
FIRST BITCHES!!!
Second STANKS!!!! lol
Happy birthday to your mother, Brooke-Ra!!! Being that most times children are a reflection of their parents, she must be an amazing woman. Glad you guys had fun, and may she have many more birthdays to come!!! =)
I LOVE this show. Removing the entertainment elements that all "reality" shows incorporate, I think this dude CONSTANTLY hits the women on the show over the head with the real. Like many women I know, they ladies like to argue what they like, how they want to be viewed, what a man should be to them...and he crudely points out "how has THAT worked for you so far??"
By the time they come around, they realize he's teaching them moreso about themselves than trying to please a guy. When they work on themselves and get THEMSELVES together, the good guys tend to be right there. But the way they previously were attracts the wrong types of guy, or at the very least, sends the wrong message.
He told one woman that the first thing a guy would notice and focus on about her were her boobs. She wasn't dressed slutty at all; but she had the twins out, and it conveyed the message that it's what she wanted to be noticed. And that was real talk - I JUST told a female friend the same thing Saturday. She tried to argue that she wanted to be noticed for her, and any guy who focused on her boobs was probably just a pig. And I told her "no...men are visual creatures. What you put out there is what we're gonna notice - PERIOD."
I did my homework on this guy - he's a VERY good and well-respected matchmaker (along with his mother). I think the overall thing with this show and his advice - a lot of women simply don't get what men are looking for, and it's actually pretty obvious based on the woman and how she exudes herself. He even showed them what conclusions men jumped to just looking at them walk - whether right or wrong, it was the truth.
Can't wait for you to check out episode #1, Brooke-Ra. The dude def knows his ish when talking about how men see things.
I watched the first season and fell in love with this show. It's the best thing they have on VH1 (which really ain't saying much since the other dating shows on there are crap).
But, I love the show and his tough talk. I saw last night's episode and I just wasn't ready for all that. It made me feel some type of way. I went to bed with tissues, man. I have a tendency to lump on problems, so if one thing has me down, then I add all the other stuff that isn't going well. And the sad thing is, I had a good weekend. But that show rehashes things.
I do often wonder about the first impression I give and what people think of me at first glance. I have been thinking a lot lately about my pattern of making friends with more outgoing people then wondering why I don't get much "shine" when I go out.
I'm also thinking a lot about the next step (not planning my wedding colors or anything)... but I have been thinking about a real, adult relationship that will hopefully lead to marriage. Especially now that I'm going to be a bridesmaid for the first time! It does kinda suck to be the last of the dying breed of single girls and watching everyone else either get married or wind up in long term relationships.
I'm holding on to one thing though... I REFUSE TO BECOME THE CRAZY CAT LADY! (Please tell me ya'll saw that on 20/20!!!)
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/cat-ladies/story?id=9033354
That cat lady crap is insane.
Here's the truth about the cat lady thing - many people don't want to accept it or face reality, but a HUGE number of adults over 30 who have multiple pets do so due to a need for companionship. The pets can be (subconsciously) in place of a relationship, children, family, friends, etc. - and people often pour way too much into their pet obsession. This can be true for men AND women, but it often manifests itself with women in larger numbers.
Yolanda - I can see how that first episode of this season could have an effect on women. I literally told most single women I know to start watching that show last year. Some tried to write it off as not being real in terms of representing them, and tried to say he was full of crap. But the ones who were open to really viewing with an open mind tended to be see TONS of truth in what he was saying.
Of course everything isn't a woman's fault; there are a plethora of bad male options to choose from. But there are some things that both genders may do that prohibits them from finding a meaningful relationship at times. I've come to the realization recently that my lack of open-mindedness and proclivity to dating extremely attractive women may have been a deterrent from finding something real and substantial. Though the vast majority of the women I dated were (and are) GREAT women, I think there may have been a pattern I ignored for many years.
Likewise, women sometimes get caught up in certain things which prohibits them from finding that good man. The women on the show all fit a type of woman - the career-over-love woman; the free spirit; the gold-digger; the low self-esteem girl; the chameleon (will be anything a man needs her to be). Some of these may not be you as women, and others may be small bits of who you are that may need to be changed.
I tell my female friends the real when it comes to men all the time. There are always some who don't listen, and are ashamed when things happen just as I told them they would. I always tell them "don't argue with a man about how men are, cuz I certainly don't argue with women about how women are...I LEARN from those women."
Yolanda - you're a pretty awesome woman, so I'm sure you will find happiness in due time. No need to get anxious...though I know that's easier said than done. Especially where you live.
But *I* think you're a catch.
I like the guy b/c he's from Philly!!:-) & he's telling the truth in many of the situations...enjoy the week outdoors..gonna be beautiful weather:-)
oh & p.s. i have a cat...got her at 5 mos old when abt 8 years ago when I was in my 20's & still have her..Iwhis is very big..she can lay on your feet & keep them warm while you watch TV or read a book( insert adoption ad music here) & my son lays on the floor & talks jibberish to her..so it's good having pet energy around!:-)
Awww Meercat. Thank you.
Yes, you can hump my leg.
LMAO.
Phillygrl - I didn't say there was anything wrong at all with owning a pet. I said people over 30 who own MULTIPLE pets...and I should've said who are lonely (as well).
Yolanda - you silly! =)
point taken, but pets are wonderful additions to family...:-) go adopt one today!! ,..uuuhh..maybe not you Rameer..but to everyone else:-)lol
I had dogs as a little kid, Phillygrl...and if I was ever to get married, I'd probably get another one...
speaking of which Rameer, have you and your lady love discussed marriage? Not necessarily between the two of you, but has she told you that she wants to get married one day, or not? And if so, how did it come up?
We both briefly discussed it...and both of us wanted marriage when we were earlier, but have gotten to the point where we stopped thinking about it. We ironically have the same attitude - if it happens, it happens, but it's not something we were worrying about or hoping for.
It's kind of a philosophical view of just "being" - letting life come to us as it happens. It's a major reason we get along so ridiculously well - philosophically, we think alike.
It came up one night when we were talking about a mutual friend's marriage. But we haven't concentrated on those things...we're just concentrating on us and how happy we are. We're letting things happen as they may.
I'll tell you this - we went out Saturday, and our friend was amazed to see us doing PDAs, since neither one of us are those type of people. She called us "blissful".
"Blissful" is nice :-)
I know some couples who have told each other on the first date what they wanted in life, and they're together now. The guy wasn't afraid to hear it and laid out his plans and intentions as well. I guess everyone's timing is different, and it CAN work to lay it all out on the line early. I just think most men assume every woman wants to get married and want to marry THEM. :-)
Brooke, you said it right there. If you mention to a guy that you want to get married one day, or have kids, they AUTOMATICALLY assume you're talking about THEM. I've had to tell some guys, "hey, I'm not talking about YOU, I don't want YOUR baby." :)
I joke, but not really. Just because we say we want to get married, it doesn't mean we want to tomorrow, or necessarily to YOU. It just means that's a desire we'd like fulfilled one day. If you tell us that you don't want to get married or have kids, that doesn't mean the date ends right then and there. It means now I know and I don't have to invest anymore into this than a possible new friendship. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
Saying what you want upfront is not a bad thing, so long as it's done correctly. And if a man runs, then he simply wasn't the man for you.
@ Stef - it all depends on WHEN you bring it up. Like the host of "Tough Love" says, no dude wants to hear that in the first few weeks. Sorry, but it's true. And, rather than simply understand this and keep that little nugget of info to themselves until the relationship is deeper and you can talk about such things, many women bring it up like it's just a matter of every day convo.
Let me tell y'all this - men don't randomly bring up marriage with each other. You know when we do it? When we're thinking about it with a particular woman. We don't want to hear about it from a woman we're dating, cuz the truth is some of y'all are obsessed with that and subtly try to stress that or push us in that direction. There's a time and place for that...if you've been dating a guy 6 months and things have been going great and you're very serious about each other, it *may* be time to broach the subject- just TO SEE what his thoughts are about it. And even then, that may be too soon depending on the man. If it goes a year, it's DEFINITELY time to introduce the subject.
My mother ALWAYS tells me "your reality isn't the world's reality" when it comes to how me and my sister may view things. She tells us to think as we do, but understand when people don't think the same - whether right or wrong. Same thing with men - y'all can rationalize all you want what's okay and cool, but as this guy points out weekly - THE REALITY IS there are certain things that are true about most men. And most men don't want to talk about marriage in the first few weeks.
You're dating US. Who the hell ELSE are you thinking about if you're bringing up marriage? What guy is gonna say "oh, she ain't talking about ME - she's just bringing up marriage with me so she knows how I think about the guy she WILL marry." Lmao...yeah right.
I fully admit to being completely pushed away by women who brought up marriage and kids too quickly. And, most times, it seemed VERY OBVIOUS she was envisioning a "what if" between us...and I'm like "um, we been kicking it for THREE WEEKS..."
I don't have a problem with a woman telling me she wants to get married or have kids one day. Those are things I want for myself, I just think men to say it as much for fear that a woman will think you're talking about HER. Women are programmed to daydream about their wedding day, and some have very strong maternal instincts - which makes sense to me. I guess you just have to be careful who you vocalize those desires to, because some will take it and run with it. But a man who's really into you won't mind sharing that with you, and won't mind you sharing that with him.
Is it first date conversation? Who's to say? It depends on how comfortable you feel with the person and the vibe you're getting. Not all situations are the same, but if you sense the woman is beating you over the head with is and had a "deadline" then that's not a good look. Men can be the same way. I guess it's just a matter of trusting your instincts and paying attention to the other person. And above all else, being honest with them and yourself.
I meant to write "men don't say it as much"...excuse all my typos!
I've never randomly brought up marriage to a guy I was dating. I've had men ask me, but I never just blurt out "hey, I wanna get married one day." I think in certain conversations, a man can tell if a woman is marriage minded or not, just like a woman can tell if a man is to some degree. Even something as simple as the statement you made earlier about getting a dog if you get married lets us know that you want that one day. That's a way of saying that you wouldn't mind getting married without saying WHO you want to marry. I think as soon as men hear the "M" word, they just get shook. I can say something about marriage without it being about YOU. I want kids one day, even though I have no idea who the father will be. But saying it doesn't mean you want THAT particular guy to be the daddy, it just means that's what I want one day, that's all.
I agree with that Stef. I never simply say to a guy "I want to get married one day" - especially not on a first date. But if they ask, I definitely tell them.
When most men meet me, the first question I get is usually, "do you have any kids?" Not "are you married?" When I tell them I don't have any kids, their response is usually "why not? don't you want kids?" And my answer is "yes, one day. Maybe if I get married."
That right there lets you know where my mind is. It's not even a first date conversation anymore. It's THAT conversation right there that usually determines IF you get asked out on a date, because a man who doesn't want to get married or have kids has all of that information up front. The only way he'll even bother is if he wants to hold out for sex and THEN let you know he doesn't want the same things you want.
I think a man feels that if he tells you he wants something different than what you want, then there will be no date, no sex, nothing. And that's not true. My sister's husband told HER on their first date that he didn't want to get married or have kids. She dated him anyway. Now 12 years and two kids later, we see how that turned out :-)
Well, I think you two are different than the women that the "Tough Love" host has to deal with - actually, I don't think, I KNOW you are.
Coming up in the natural context of conversation is fine. In fact, the way Brooke-Ra just brought it up is perfect without giving the impression that you're "crazy shackle-up lady". I personally have never asked a woman does she have kids without an obvious indication of such (baby seat in the back of your car, picture of a child/children as screen pic on cell phone), cuz it annoys me if someone asks me that or assumes such. And I don't ask about marriage, cuz I can usually tell the married women - even when they're prowling without their ring on (whole 'nother topic).
But the women I'm thinking of are very pushy and interrogative when it comes to women and kids. And I'm sorry - you guys are not the average woman over 30 bringing the subject up - THEY are. The ones who have their list of things to go down while you're on a date: "Are you looking to get married? How soon? Big wedding or little wedding? What about the honeymoon? How many kids do you want? College fund, trust fund, stock or bonds? Would you expect your wife to cook, or would you do the cooking? What would you name the kids? Catholic or Protestant? Muslim or Buddhist? Blah, blah, blah..."
Plain and simply, if you are bringing that stuff up, what's the point? You two both agree that most men think you are referring to/thinking of them if you bring that subject up. If that's a reality, there's no reason to bring it up too soon, now is there? All it would do is push a man away who isn't on that tip, but thinks YOU are. That's just the reality of the situation.
It's like talking politics or religion on the first few dates. You shouldn't talk about anything THAT heavy until you really are getting a feel for each other and have genuine interest. Regardless of whether it's a fair topic to discuss, it draws a line in the sand if your date as divergent views. And it's a no win if that's the case.
And, as always, I'm speaking in generalities here. I can go on all day about what I would do differently or similarly. But this show deals with MOST men, and I'm talking about MOST men as well.
And most men don't want to talk marriage too quickly. This isn't about right or wrong...it's just about how we think and what will attract us or repel us.
Which is why this show is *so* on-point. Cuz I rarely see anything he's talking about that I'm like "that's not real"...cuz it is. The scenarios may be crazy (it IS TV), but his assessment of how men act and think is dead-on.
I have to admit, when I first watched this show, I wondered if these women were real, because they all just seemed so over the top dysfunctional. And you're right, at the end, the show wasn't about matching them with a man, so much as it was about helping them to realize what it is about their personalities that would keep them from recognizing a potential mate or what they're doing to repel one. While I realize women like them exist, it was painful to watch simply because I didn't know any. It was sad, and it's true what Yolanda said, it makes you think about yourself and if you display any characteristics that may be repelling the kind of men that you might want to meet.
I think it's a good exercise to take stock of yourself and ask others what they think you're doing right or wrong. I've done it, and will continue to do so - but only with people whose opinions I value and who I think have good heads on their shoulders or who have found success in that area already. My sister is my main go-to, and I take notes on how she operates in her marriage and I watch and listen. I also learn from other's failed relationships, as well as my own. It's a constant evolution and introspection is key. I think that's the gist of the whole show - seeing where you can make some improvements, while focusing and expaning on all your positive traits and being the best YOU possible.
I've never watched this show, I rarely watch VH1 period. I'll have to check it out.
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