Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Happy Tuesday peoples!
So last night, I was having dinner with a friend, and she tells me that she's never approached a man or asked one out on a date. While I didn't think that was too odd, she went on to say that she doesn't even really know how to flirt with a man, and that she gets really shy around men that she's interested in.
When I told her that she needs to practice, she she said "Oh no, I can't do that. I just can't, because I don't wanna deal with the rejection." Well...duh...no one does, but how else can you let that certain someone know you're interested so that he'll know to approach you?
"A man should just know," she said.
And while I understand that men are supposed to be the chasers, not all men "get it" when we're sending out our smoke signals. Sometimes they need a little help reading us, and sometimes they're just as shy as we are. Men are afraid of rejection too, they just have no choice since most of them feel that society dictates that they always make the first move. I think men are just more used to dealing with possible rejection than we are simply because they do most of the pursuing.
And I get it. A woman likes to feel wanted and pursued. But don't men want those same things? While I understand that we're the "ladies" and the man should be a "man," what's wrong with a little harmless flirting, or simple eye contact, to let a man know you're interested? I asked her how all of her relationships began if she's not doing ANYTHING to let a guy know she's interested.
"Well, the man approaches me. If I like him, we go out. If not, then I keep it moving. At least that way, if a guy approaches ME, I already know he likes me and I don't have to worry about rejection."
My question to her was simply this:
"So, are you going to go through life allowing someone to choose you and just take what's GIVEN to you, or are you going to go out and get what YOU want?"
She sat looking at me. "You're right," she says.
Now, don't get me wrong, I know putting yourself out there may not be the easiest thing in the world to do. Facing possible disappointment, embarrassment and ego bruising is never fun. Women usually have the luxury and satisfaction of choosing who she will or will not give her attention to.
A man approaches:
"Look at his shoes."
"His teeth are jacked up."
"Oh no he didn't just come up to me. Child please."
We sit back and choose. Men chase, and we decide who catches us.
But that's the easy way out.
You never know what'll happen if you don't try - at least once - to go after a man that YOU want to date. My friend is beautiful, smart and funny - so I can't imagine her possibly getting rejected by any man she sets her sights on. But if he's not interested, then so what? You live to flirt another day, and it builds a thick skin...and character. You have to be confident in who you are, and if he doesn't return your interest, just chalk it up to "he's just not the into me." And there's nothing wrong with that.
But chances are, even if you're not his cup of tea, he'll still think that you're a brave, confident woman who goes after what she wants. He might even think it's sexy. If you're afraid to go all out and ask a man on a date, subtle hints work too. Let your gaze linger a little longer on his glance - eye contact goes a long way. Smile at him. Say "good morning." If he's interested, chances are he'll take it from there. If you sense that he's interested, but shy, then you might need to take it a little further and hand him your business card and hopefully he'll email you since a cat has got his tongue. The trick is to let the man know it's okay to approach you.
And if he doesn't, there's no love lost. No embarrassment. No rejection. You simply said hello to a cute guy on the train. Just be sure to wink at him as you get off at your stop - that way , you'll have him smiling all day...and he'll remember you ;)
-b
18 comments:
FIRST BITCHES!!! YEAH BABY
DONT TASE ME PLEASE.
LOL!! Stephanie is on top today!
aNOTHER GREAT BLOG. iT IS HARD TO MAKE THE FIRST STEP FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.WOMEN TAKE FOR GRANTED THAT MEN WHO CHASE HAVE TO DEAL WITH WAY MORE REJECTION THAN WE DO. I ADMIRE A MAN WHO STANDS UP FOR WHAT HE WANTS AND PUTS HIMSELF OUT THERE TO POSSIBLY BE REJECTED. REJECTION IS LIKE CHANGE, IT IS ONE OF THE CONSTANTS IN LIFE EVERYONE WILL BE REJECTED AT ONE POINT IN THEIR LIFE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S O.K. ALL IT MEANS IS THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE FOR YOU. SOMETIMES WE LET PERFECTLY GOOD PEOPLE PASS US BY DUE TO OUR OWN FEARS. WE ALL HAVE A SECRET TOP 10 OF THINGS WE MUST HAVE IN A MATE. THAT PERSON ONLY EXIST YOUR MIND. WE USUALLY END UP WITH 6 OUT OF THE 10 THINGS WE SWORE WE MUST HAVE. THIS IS NOT SETTLING THIS IS SIMPLY THE REALITY OF LIFE. NO ONE IS PERFECT. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO ACCEPT OUR FUTURE MATE WITH ALL OF THEIR THORNS AS WELL AS THE BEAUTIFUL ROSE PEDALS THEY WILL BRING.
I agree Steph, someone will get rejected at some point in life. You just deal and move on. Nothing wrong with it.
I find that when I smile, or flirt, or whatever, most times I have no intention of trying to get a phone number or have the guy ask me out. It's simply to make me feel good, or because I'm already in a good mood. It's just fun :) Sometimes I'm silly with it, other times I do it just to see what'll happen. It's a mood shifter to me, and I like making a guy smile, even if I have no real interest in him. I find that even when a guy I'm not really attracted to gives me a compliment or smiles at me, my mood is changed for the entire day. Sometimes giving a guy smile simply makes HIM feel better - and nothing has to come of it :)
A woman who winks, smiles or approaches me in the street is sexy as hell. I think it shows confidence, and confidence is always sexy. Even if she's a woman I might not have otherwise looked at, that gesture alone gets me wondering what more there is to know about her.
And if she IS a woman I'd be interested in, it's a boost to my ego to know that she finds me just as attractive and I'm more than willing to take over and go from there. Sometimes just that little nod ups my swag 100 thousand trillion. I hope your friend realizes just how beautiful and sexy she really is and takes a chance. I bet she'll be pleasantly surprised. Good blog Brooke, as always.
This reminds me of the saying, "Women decide who they'll sleep with but Men decide who they will make their wife."
Never heard that one before Nightfall, but it's very true.
Good blog Brooke, but sometimes you have to be careful, because some guys look at you crazy if you approach them. Some guys like being the chaser, so if you ask a man out first, he might think you're being too aggressive. I've had men tell me that I came on too strong when I simply asked them if they wanted to go for coffee...so the opposite can backfire too. Guess it just depends on the type of guy you go after. But I don't mind being the aggressor sometimes, I kinda like it!
Personally,
To hell with the smoke signals. If you are interested in me, I enjoy the things that Brookey mentioned in the blog.
Men DO want to feel wanted and pursued, and you can still be just fine and friendly without being over the top expressing some sort of interest.
The bottom line was the "fear of rejection" thing, and as stated, men just live in that world all the time.
But, if signals don't work for me, and I need to step up and make my thoughts/intent/desires known, the same standard should apply for a woman who found it within herself to be interested in lil ol' DMoe.
Well said Brookey, and let's hope your friend finds the "gumption" to figure things out and holla...lol.
Your friend and mine,
DMoe
I'm sorry you know guys that look at you crazy if they approach you, Stef. Personally, I'D look at THEM crazy for not accepting a woman who approaches them...
I think most of the guys on here appreciate a woman who approaches them - can't imagine any who wouldn't. Funny thing is, I'm a shy person, but I was always approaching women! See, I'm only shy when I know someone and really like them...but not knowing someone and approaching them simply on first impression? Shoooooot! It was never a problem.
I think I'm surrounded by people for the most part who go after what they want - men and women. I will say this - in the past, it always pissed me off if a woman told me "I liked you, but you never approached". I would always be like "YOUR LOSS - I don't play the Miss Cleo 'read-my-mind' game". In fact, overall - I HATE when a woman tells me "you should've known", whether it be in terms of approaching her or anything else.
I'll know when you TELL me. I'm not assuming nothin'!!! Lolz!
I've done the approaching and been approached. Never made a difference to me, unless I was sent to "break the defenses" by my boys - which is a whole different story...
Interesting blog today!
I think alot of men have been sent to "break the defenses" - we have fears of rejection too sometimes. That's when you have your boy set up a outting with a girl and her friend...you know, we all meet up "by accident." That way, you can feel the girl out and see if she's feeling you on a casual level, and if she's not feeling you, then you can say "well, it wasn't a date, we was jus kickin it." lol :)
Jay knows of what he speaks! That is definitely the standard definition of that term.
I was always good for that with my boys...cuz I've always been the one who knew MAD women...and I was always willing to do my part for the bruhs...lolz!
Hey - I can't mess with 'em all, right?
Interesting :)
Alot of times, the rejection is in our own heads tho. I've had guys from oollege tell me that they liked me, or had crushes on me or whatever, but then tell me that they never approached me because they thought I'd shoot them down or they weren't my type. But who knows what would have happened. I didn't have a "type"...still don't. And just because I might not notice you right away doesn't mean I wouldn't be interested. Sometimes we just don't know, or don't see you - but that doesn't mean we wouldn't be interested.
I've had the same thing happen, Brooke-Ra. Honestly, it ANNOYS ME when women tell me after the fact that they liked me/had a crush on me in the past and never acted on it...
I love being the girl group ice breaker. Go in and close the deal for the team...it's a science. Women who go after what they want is attractive...I have met some amazing women who were the aggressors..loved it. but i do enjoy the hunt!! It's you boooooy...Zaaay Buge!
Zay, you make me smile everytime you write "it's your booooo" LOL!
I think you just have to strike a balance. As a woman, I do like to be pursued, but it's okay to step out the box every once in a while - see what'll happen if I flirt a little. Good to switch it up a bit!
I'm old fashioned BUT, I can flirt (got my mojo back). Women have to feel sexy and confident in order to master this...now you don't have to be totally confident but dag on it ladies, know you're sexy!
I'm jamming to Soul for Real right now, "yeah I said it." In the song Candy Rain they say just tell me what you want and I will GIVE it to you.
Hmmph, nuff said. But Brookey you're right. Some dudes just don't get it. Its not to say they aren't interested, but a little slooooooow lol.
However I hate rejection too, but if you don't try it then how would you know. If I gave up writing because of that first rejection then I would've never kept trying which ended up being published.
Take a chance ladies, you never know.
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