Monday, November 23, 2009

**in my best Wendy Williams voice**

"How you doin?"

Happy Monday! The weekends are always so short - especially when you're having fun. Saturday night I celebrated SuSu's birthday with her and friends at Simply Fondue - a great date spot! It's in Queens, look it up :-)

Sunday, I made Annamaria's cheesecake and headed over to her place to pay up on my bet - and finally meet Little Miss Sophia. All I can say is she has to be the sweetest thing ever! I just wanted to eat her up! She giggled and goo-goo'd and ga-ga'd all night while Annamaria fed me and Austin schooled me on real estate. Even though I lost the bet, I still got my arroz con gandules! Now that's what I call a gracious winner :-)

(and I got leftovers packed up all nice and neat - Austin and I will be eating a good lunch today!)

Speaking of Annamaria, she's my guest blogger today! She had some things on her mind, and her post is quick and to the point - so let's show her some love, shall we?

I Found IT...Now What?? by Annamaria Felix

We’ve written and read quite a few blogs about looking for love, what we want in a mate, and what frustrates us about our search for love. I figured I’d write from a different point of view. I’ve found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Now what the hell do I do??

Relationships get old, love fades, things what do we do once we find the person we want to be with?? How do we keep love going strong? How do we ensure continued happiness? I understand that couples will never be happy 100% of the time. Arguing is healthy. A slight tasing may be necessary.

Sometimes we need to think about our relationship(s) and get back to why we fell/fall in love in the first place. So with that, let me pose these questions to the blog family:

1. What can we do to try and keep the love going?
2. What qualities do you appreciate in your mate or former mate?
3. What do you like about your mate or a former mate?
4. What do you dislike about your mate or former mate?
5. What do you like to do for your mate or former mate?
6. For singles: What qualities are non-negotiable in a future love interest?




Jaz said...

First Bitches!!!

Yeah!!! FINALLY!!

Brooke said...

I figured I'd let someone be first before I gave my 2 cents :)

I think half the battle is RECOGNIZING that you've found IT. Some people wouldn't know they've found their soulmate even if he/she landed in their lap. If you know what you want, and you're lucky enough to have found it - I think REALIZING it is a big step. So many times people are too busy searching for that "something better" that they don't see when they already have a good thing.

Now that you know, just make sure you continue to APPRECIATE it. I think what happens in the downfall of some relationships is someone starts to feel unappreciated or undervalued - basically taken for granted. It's one thing to remember why you fell in love with someone, but it's another to REMIND THEM why you fell in love with him or her. Never stop letting your partner know that you love him/her and why you appreciate them.

I think people work harder for their relationships when they feel valued in them. It's easy to walk away when you don't feel appreciated.

Jaz said...

Okay, now that I'm done reading, I can respond :) (was just so happy to be first!)

Anyhoo, I think Brooke is right. If you respect your partner and love them just the way they are, then always tell them that. It's so easy to get "comfortable" in a relationship and that's when people start looking around to see if you still even notice them. If I'm constantly being told that someone loves and appreciates me, I think that keeps the love alive.

By the way, Sophia is adorable!

Jaz said...

oh, and what qualities are non-negotiable?

1. Honesty
2. Faithfulness
3. Intelligence
4. Generosity
5. Spiritual

That's just a few - back to work!

Momo925 said...

Hey Blog Family! It has been a minute since I've had a spare moment to breathe at work! Oh how I've missed you all lol.
I've found IT..Now what? Well I say just be happy. Appreciate the fact that you've found what most people in life are still looking for or probably will never find. Never take your relationship or that person for granted.

I agree with Jaz...Honesty and faitfulness are definitely non-negotiable! There is nothing I hate more than someone who can look you in your eyes and tell a bold faced lie. Your word should stand for something.

Brooke said...

Honesty and Faithfulness are definitely non-negotiable. If you don't have trust, your relationship is doomed, so those two traits are a must when discussing a person's character.

Integrity and compassion are two more. You should be a good person and strive to do the right thing, even when no one is watching. How you treat others, even strangers, is a big indicator of how you'd treat me. Respect is very important to me, and if I can't respect you, I can't appreciate you.

Annamaria said...

I guess I had to let someone else be first huh???? LOL Thank you for my SLAMMIN cheesecake Brooke..I think I already want to win another bet..LOL
Thanks Brooke & Jaz...She's my lil angelface!!!

Recognizing I think was the easy part for me... I think I knew a long time ago that this was it. Everything was different than in my previous relationships...Even the bad stuff... I have to give Austin the credit. One thing he did that was very different was MAKE ME be with him...meaning my M.O. was to have a slight arguement or get annoyed & walk away from the relationship. Austin refused to let me do that. He's always made me face whatever is going on & he let me know from day 1 leaving wasn't an option. He knew he wanted me & he knew that I wanted him sooo he didn't allow me to be lazy, he made me work. And taught me how. And that I appreciate.

Appreciation is KEY....Everyone gets busy & life happens but you need to take at least a minute out to appreciate your mate. Even a slight gesture can make a world of difference. IE: Saturday night we came home from a christening in Westchester. Everyone was exhausted. I got all the kids to bed. He walked up to me & gave me a kiss & hug & said You're a great mom & I love you... DONE!! I'm in a very weird point in my life where I'm actually staying home for an indefinite period of time for the sake of staying with our daughter soo to be appreciated at a time when "most men" don't recognize I work harder now than at any 9-5 without my job ever ending is great.

I'll comment more in a lil while..

Jay said...

I guess I'll be the first guy to chime in.

I think Brooke nailed it - appreciation. I know as a man, that's the one thing we look for from our women - to feel wanted and appreciated. Its really that simple.

As far as non-negotiables, I think the qualities you listed ring true for both men AND women. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, compassion, generosity, respect - we ALL want that.

I would add kindness to that. A woman with a warm heart and gentle spirit makes it easy to love her. Show me a woman with all those traits and long lasting love will follow.

Annamaria said...

For me the non-negotiables were about life... Austin had already done the marriage, house & 2 kids things... I hadn't. SOOO for me had he said he wasn't open to doing it all again then it would have been a no go for me. I wanted all those things for myself & wasn't willing to sacrifice them cause he had already done them...
And lil by lil I'm getting them...LOL
I got my 2 gorgeous babies Jada & Aaron from his first marriage. (I hate the word stepchildren they are my babies that didn't come from my and I have my beautiful daughter Sophia.. Now all he gotta do is put a ring on it... Brookey knows I already took the first step & gave him a rock!!!!!! LMAO

Brooke said...

Yes, I know :) Austin showed it to me last night. Let's just say he and Annamaria have a great sense of humor :)

Seeing how you two are together, it's clear that you two are meant for each other. What I love about the two of you is that you laugh and genuinely have fun together. You actually LIKE each oether. You'd think that's a no-brainer - but not so much. I know people who may love each other, but not like each other...and vice versa.

And you two are PARTNERS, not just lovers or parents. You consider each other, you respect each other, you work in ways to grow together. It does take work, but you guys make it look effortless. I guess when you've been open and upfront about what you both want, it gives you a common goal to work towards.

I think back to the blog last week where we discussed not mentioning marriage, kids, all that on a first date. Maybe not the first date, but you definitely let Austin know what you wanted upfront, and he told you what he wanted too. You both wanted the same thing - so knowing that you're compatible with someone who just happens to want the same things you want makes it easier to stive for those things. Alot of times, we can find someone who we get along with famously, but because we're unsure if they want the same things we do, or are afraid to tell him or her, alot of time gets wasted and hearts get broken. I think you two did the best thing for the both of you and are making it work because you both are walking the same path.

You two will have everything you both due time and it will be right.

Stef said...

I think it takes courage to tell someone what you want and will and will not settle for. I know I've been afraid to tell a man I wanted the big wedding, the house, the kids, the dog, all because I was afraid he'd tell me no, or that he didn't want those things - whether with me or not with me. But now, I realize that if he doesn't want the same things - there's nothing wrong with that, I just have to move on and not waste any time.

Most people don't wanna be alone, so they stick with people who they KNOW aren't for them just to say they have a man or a woman. The fact that you KNOW this person is for you, and not just some guy that you're with just to say you have a man, is great! And if he's willing to give you all that you want, even though he's gone the marriage and kid route before - only shows that he truly loves you and believes in all the same things and is willing to take another shot at love.

Most guys who have been married with kids before don't wanna do that again, they just want you to be with them. If Austin wants to give you the life you want - and that he wants - then just love and appreciate him for who he is - always. Trust me girl, that's HARD to find!

Annamaria said...

LOL...thanks ladies...
Brooke we are two of the biggest GOOFBALLS that you can ever meet. We don't need to look cool we are corny as all hell & we love it. We do enjoy spending time together. It's not effortless or easy all the time but it just comes naturally...Stef I know I'm lucky & trust me it wasn't easy to say I want these things for myself & I won't settle for less but rather than waste my time or his it had to be done. I lucked out & we wanted the same things. And I appreciate that I have someone that busts his ass (at like 11 to keep me home with the baby..
I have to say one thing that may seem minor but makes a BIG difference is rule #1 when we moved in together. Sometimes when couples fight one goes to sleep in another room.. That's not an option in our house. I know there have been days we've wanted to kill each other BUT we got into our bed & went to sleep together. It may seem simple but that action makes you need to work things out a lot quicker! lol


I'll answer # 6 since I'm single. but let me give my disclaimer. I'm not one to have a lot of deal breakers, but I think the # 1 thing, hands down is honesty. If you're honest, it seems as though everything else will fall into place

Annamaria said...

For those who are answering. What about #1...what ideas & thoughts do you have to keep things going??

The regulars better start commenting before I take the taser out!!!! lol

Brooke said...

Never stop dating each other.

Annamaria said...

That's definitely #1 on my list B..

Powerz said...

Annamaria - first and foremost i would like to say thank you for being you which makes it easy to be me. You say the greatest things.

Gotta keep it fresh!

I'll try to chime in more later!!!!

Brooke said...

It should be #1 on your list Annamaria, y'all asses STAY going somewhere! Atlantic City, movies, keep it moving, even WITH a child. That's great!

Awww, Austin is so sweeet!!!

(gag... ;-)

The Cable Guy said...

Hey everyone!

I know ya'll missed me :)

Anyway, I think it's great Annamaria and Austin found each other. But I guess I have a question. If you two KNOW you're both IT and "the one" then what exactly is there to worry about? I know relationships require work, but if you both know you don't want to be with anyone else, wouldn't that make it easier to keep the love you already have going?

Maybe I'm just being naive, but to me, if you KNOW you found the right one, then chances are you will subconsciously already do whatever it takes to make sure your relationship works. No?

Annamaria said...

We do make you wanna vomit sometimes don't we! lol Hey we still date. Just cuz we had a baby doesn't mean we stop.. shoot she went to DR and everywhere else while she was in my belly! lol

Friendship is another thing... We were friends before dating & our friendship has been very present throughout our relationship..

Annamaria said...

Cableguy just showed that he is only 12!!! LMAO

Sorry dude had to make the joke...
ACTUALLY knowing the person is THE ONE..makes things harder. WHY?? Because that is when you start getting comfortable. And sometimes LAZY..You can take the other person for granted & like we said stop dating or doing the simplest things for each other..I've even heard of relationships in which sex became something that happens once in a while because one or both people are like hey I got this person I don't need to do this anymore...
I can say I personally HATE feeling like I'm being taken for granted & not appreciated. And you'd be surprised how easily it can happen. Austin works like 30 hours a day..LOL (YES EXAGGERATING SLIGHTLY) and I'm home with the baby.. So I purposely wait to eat dinner every day with him just so we can sit & chat. He arranges lil dates like dinner, movies, Atlantic City so that I can get a break & to reconnect with each other. You'd be surprised how much a night out can rejuvenate a relationship yet how many people let too much time pass to where it is too late to fix things.
Its very hard work but the payout is amazing!

The Cable Guy said...

Wow, the "12" comment was a bit out of line. I was asking a real question, and I thought it was valid. I already said relationships were hard work, so the point of my question was simply if people subconsciously already put in the hard work once they figure out that THAT person is the one.

Guess I'm not as "enlightened" as the rest of you and thought this was a real discussion. I guess I'll wait til Brooke comes back tomorrow before I comment again.

Annamaria said...

Cable dude it was a joke... And if you finished reading I did answer the question.

The Cable Guy said...

I didn't say you didn't answer it, but why make it seem like my question was childish?

But hey, if you were joking, then cool.

Annamaria said...

Actually I was joking but your question was great... if more people would ask questions like that or think about stuff like that, relationships wouldn't have half of the problems they do now... It seems like it would get simpler as time progresses. It makes sense to me too but like I said you really do have to work harder.

Brooke said...

I actually see where Cable Guy was coming from, and I think Annamaria's answer was fitting. I don't think it was a childish question at all...because you'd think that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be. You love someone, you love them...plain and simple right?

Well, as much as we'd love to believe it's that easy, love is a verb. It's something you do. It's supposed to move you.

I get it Cable Guy - once you truly love AND respect someone, you instinctually become aware of their force in your life and the unity that is created beween you. That person becomes interwoven in the fabric of your day. They become a part of you and everything you do. Finding unity in variety, finding those likenesses, finding a pattern becomes second nature to you. Once you have found that key, that rhythm, that path, nothing or no one should be able to steer you from it...cuz they're THE ONE.

But like Annamaria said, I think it's easy to still love someone, but become complacent with it. Love can be a perfect feeling, but unfortunately, people ARE NOT perfect. Challenges are expected simply BECAUSE people are imperfect, even if they're perfect FOR YOU. Loving means making a conscious decision to face the differences between you with courage, honesty and respect.

We need to remind ourselves that we brought that person into our lives for a reason. Our challenge is to be open to discovering the parts of ourselves that the other person mirrors in us, and then see how we learn and grow from that person - what they teach us, how they inspire us, and how we complement each other. I think when you know that you've found "The One" it doesn't mean no work has to be done...I think it means that the work is just beginning. But like anything worth having, it's worth working hard finding that person to work hard for is the most difficult part. Once you've determined that, then all you have to do is just do it.

Jay said...


Annamaria said...

I agree well put... how was lunch??? lmao

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke, I liked that answer too. Thanks!

I guess I've just seen people who put in alot of work for the wrong relationships, and the people I know who've been together for years make it seem effortless, like you said. But one thing the successful ones have always said to me about how their relationship works is that divorce was not an option because they knew they couldn't be with anyone I guess that's why I figured that find that person was the hard part, and then everything else will fall into place as long as you both keep God first.

Brooke said...

Lunch was delicious! Thank you Annamaria for packing it for me! :)

Annamaria said...

Cable Guy putting god first is a good start...a great one actually but I also agree with the other thing you said about divorce not being an option. We aren't married but I've already told Austin that once we do get married I'll kill him before anything

Another thing..putting god first is a good first step BUT then what? Your faith will only do sooo much. God needs you both to work at it just as much as anything else..
It's like when you pray to god for enough money to feed your kids... Your faith will help you get thru the days but that doesn't mean you stop working.. Same concept. You gotta put in the work..
We've all seen people put in work for the wrong people. What I can say now looking back is that when I was with the wrong person it felt like WORK..Now that I'm with the right person it feels like my dream job. :)

Jaz said...

Okay, I'm back. And great discussion.

And I must be 12 too, cuz I actually thought like cable dude did, that once you find "the one" you don't mind putting in the work.

I've worked hard on relationships without feeling like I've found "the one" because I always was told that love is with whom you make it. So I figured that I as long as I put the work in, love will come. It wasn't until I realized that I was trying to make it work with the wrong people that I was spinning my wheels.

I think what cable dude was really saying is that we know it's always going to be work, but when you know it's "the one" you do it naturally, or you at least WANT to do it. I think it's easy to walk away when you know that there's someone else out there that you TRULY want to be with, not just who you're settling with. If God shows me the man I'm supposed to be with, I hope I have no problem putting in the work simply because I know that's who He's chosen for me!

Annamaria said...

Brooke you are more than welcome.. Anytime you wanna come back let me know...

Yesterday Brooke arrives to my house & had to catch up on football highlights cause her CABLE WASN'T WORKING!!!! Wassup with that???? If you love her, her cable should ALWAYS work....LOL
That would definitely end a relationship for me...

The Cable Guy said...

Oh, no doubt. Putting God first to me simply means not losing sight of that fact that no matter how hard you work, it is through Him that love exists. That's all. I'm not saying don't do any work at all, never said that. Just meant that finding that person is hardest part, like B said. I think once you KNOW that, then like you said, it'll be your dream job. That's all I was saying.

And Jaz, that's exactly what I meant!

The Cable Guy said...

B, your cable isn't working?? Why didn't you call me!?

I can come look later tonight if you want?

Annamaria said...

Jaz I don't think it's a matter of finding it hard to put the effort in..But life is hectic. We work (well not me but ya', have kids, etc etc.. so sometimes in the busy hustle & bustle of everyday we forget to show each other we love each other.. Doesn't mean we don't BUT we kinda put it off for tomorrow because we take for granted that the person will be here tomorrow... But like we all know tomorrow isn't guaranteed so my point is to just make yourselves aware to show each other.

Annamaria said...

YES CABLEGUY...Go fix her cable & make sure everything is working... Don't ask just go.. lol See this is what I mean by working at it..LOL...

The Cable Guy said...

Well, last time I showed up unannounced, B wasn't too happy about it...and she wasn't even there!

So I ask from now on :)

Annamaria said...

Cable guy: 3 words... Monday Night Football........make sure the cable is

Brooke said...

I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'm gonna miss MNF :(

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