Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

It's another hectic day for me today so let me just jump right into it!

- Last night a STUNNING woman hit on me in the gym. I think I felt flattered :-)

- I hate doing push-ups...HATE IT!!

- Kickboxing class was awesome though!

- I want the HOT weather to come back :-( It's been a cool couple days, but I want it to be HOT!

- I'm accepting donations for my nephew's school fundraising dinner this Sunday, anyone want to make a donation?

- I can't wait to see my babies, it's been a few weeks, I miss them!

- My arms and legs hurt.

- Ant is going to send me a "mold" for my toy...one that he made himself especially for me, if you know what I mean ;-) That's just what friends do for each other :-) LOL!!

- Oh, and LADIES! I'm going to host a toy party with a rep from "Booty Parlor" coming to show us some goodies if you're interested ;-) I'll probably do it when I get back from vacation, so let me know what dates in June work best for you and we'll make it happen. Since I can't seem to get out to get one, I'll bring the toys to me!

- Someone remind me to pay my cable bill.

- Finally, it's been 2 years today since we lost Kevin Mitchell. R.I.P. Kevin, we miss you!



Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

Today has been a HECTIC day so far, and it shows no signs of slowing down. So today I'm going to try to keep it short and sweet and get some late conversation going.

Yesterday I asked who forgave infidelity easier, or more often - men or women? I said that women tend to forgive easier and more often and I think for the most part everyone agreed with that (except Annamaria) ;-)

Well, today, my question is a little different. My question to you today is who takes heartbreak harder - men or women?

We've all been there. We've all had our heart broken. Well, MOST of us anyway right? Raise your hand if you haven't....didn't think so ;-) Heartbreak doesn't discriminate. It touches man, woman, black, white, young, old - all of us. However, when it comes time to deal with a heartbreak, who handles it better - men or women?

I can hear Annamaria now - "all situations are different, each circumstance is unique, you can't make a generalization."

Well, I'm about to :-)

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that men handle heartbreak worse than we do. And here's why.

Women tend to be more in tune with our emotions. We're emotional creatures - sometimes to a fault - so this may make it seem like we take heartbreak harder. When our heart is broken, we cry, we call our sisters, our mom, our girlfriends. We have a support system in place for such things.

"Girl, forget him, it's HIS loss."

"Girl, it's gonna be alright, he was ugly anyway."

They usually know exactly what to say to make us feel better. They'll even offer to help you slash his tires, bust the windows out his car, burn all his pictures and clothes or bury the body. Well...maybe that's just MY friends ;-) LOL!

I kid (a lil bit) but you get the point. Women seem to go through the emotions of a breakup sooner. We face the trauma head on, we mourn the loss early. Personally, I will call my sister and friends and talk their ears off til I'm tired of talking about it, and then suddenly....POOF! I'm over it! And good friends will be that shoulder for you until you need them to be...most likely because they know they'll need you the same way down the road. Give and take - good girlfriends are PRICELESS!

But men on the hand rarely go running to their boys crying talking about, "I don't wanna be alone! I'll never find someone else!" If it happens, it must take place in some deep, dark dungeon somewhere. Men tend to channel their frustrations and heartbreaks through other things - like work, sports, drinking...OTHER WOMEN. Most of the guys I know who got their heart broken looked for sex from an ex or the next chick just so they can try to take their minds off the woman they REALLY love. Not all men do this, but my point is that a lot of men will try to hide or dismiss their feelings altogether. I think men take longer to commit, so when they do they give it all they have. We all know men have HUGE (yet fragile) egos and believe they'll never get hurt or aren't capable of getting hurt. So when it happens, it's a huge blow. And if they have no support system to vent these feelings or don't seek one, then they can bottle all their emotions inside til the bottle breaks and everything comes spilling out.

Now of course this is all my opinion, and there are those who will say this is too general of a topic to base such an opinion - but let's talk about it. Now, of course my opinion was not meant in any way to discount feelings, or offend anyone's sensibilities. I'm just going by what I observe and my and others' life experiences. All heartbreak hurts - man or woman - and we all deal with it differently. But generally speaking, I believe men seem to take heartbreak much harder than women. What do you think?

So much for keeping it short and sweet! LOL!! Holla!

-b

Happy Fantabulous Tuesday!

So it seems my boy Maliek made a lil jokie joke on Facebook the other day about me hurting Rameer's feelings - something about the stripper being my baby daddy and Rameer getting all bent out of shape - ha ha...very funny :)

Maliek said that I shouldn't "get Rameer back like dat." :) Funny as hell, as Maliek tends to be, but it got me to thinking about the lyrics to "Song Cry" and "Back like That." Let's start with Ghost Face and NeYo's joint.

Shorty what is you thinking bout
Didn't I put you down
Flyest whips, rollin' round like yea
That's the bosses chick, on the side
I might of had, one or two
Them silly broads wasn't nothing on you
Rolling with him, try'nna get revenge
That's what you just don't do

Now, correct me if I'm wrong...but...huh?

How does a man justify his cheating or doing dirt by saying "I know what I did was wack, but you don't get your man back like that"? Actually, messing around with one of his enemies is a GREAT way to get him back for cheating on you....right?

...back to that in a minute...

How about Jay's lyrics...

"Word back home is that you had a special friend
So what was oh so special then?
You have given away without gettin at me
That's your fault, how many times you forgiven me?
How was I to know that you was plain sick of me?
I know the way a nigga livin was whack
But you don't get a nigga back like that!
Shit I'm a man with pride, you don't do shit like that
You don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that
You don't throw away what we had, just like that
I was just fuckin them girls, I was gon' get right back"

Again I say....huh?

Oh, so because you were just f*ckin' those girls, it's okay...right?

WRONG.

These are just lyrics to songs, but it begs the bigger question - who is more forgiving of cheating - men or women?

I think women are...and here's why.

First, a man's ego is bigger than his woman's heart and the love he may have for her. If you damage his ego, chances are the relationship is over. Not saying a man can't forgive, just less likely that he will...especially if he's not married. If he's married with kids, he may consider it...maybe. A woman may be more likely to forgive in a marital situation, especially if children are involved because no woman wants to raise children alone. She may put up with infidelity if it means more financial stability and safety for her children.

Also, men are more territorial. The thought of another man sniffing around their woman will make a man crazy. If he plants his flag on a woman, he feels she's his forever. Maybe that's why they're always asking "who's p*ssy is this?"....or so I've heard ;)

If a man admits to - or most likely gets caught - cheating, usually the first question a woman will ask (after "who is the bitch?") is "do you love her?" If a woman admits to cheating (cuz most women are 2 steps ahead of her man and rarely gets caught), the first question the man asks (after she gets up off the floor after receiving a Chris Brown style beatdown) is "did you f*ck him?"

See...two different questions. Why? Because when men cheat, it's usually all about the moment and the physical. When women cheat, it's mostly due to her emotions. We care about feelings, men just wanna know if another man hit it.

Sex to men is fleeting. They can separate love from sex. They can separate "like" from sex. They barely have to know your name. It's a physical release to them - busting a nut and nothing else. But men know that if a women has sex with another man, chances are it's more than just something physical for her. There's usually an emotional connection, and no man wants to believe that about their woman.

If a man cheats, he expects us to forgive him based on his logic that it was strictly sex, not love. If a woman cheats, and says that it was just about sex, he probably still won't forgive her...because that logic doesn't apply to us. Men are taught that women are nurturers. They believe that we are, or SHOULD BE, monogamous creatures that stick by our men.

Most women believe that all men cheat - that that's just what they do. So forgiving them comes with the territory because they believe all men are naturally born that way and that monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic. So we forgive. We don't forget, ever. NEVER EVER EVA. Women will bring your infidelity up in a heartbeat! Five days later, 5 months later, 5 years later - she'll never forget. But she'll stay with you and continue loving you...she'll just have a hard time FULLY trusting you again.

Men...not so much. If they don't trust you, that's it...over...done. Or so it seems.

And not for nothing, women tend to worry more about the woman the man cheated with, not the man himself - which may be another reason why women forgive more often. They feel that if they leave, the other woman will get her man...and that the other woman will "win." She'll be DAMNED if another woman benefits from all the hard work she put in with her man. She's not giving him up; she'll stay with him and try to figure out how to "train" him. Buffoonery I know...but hey...didn't say it made sense.

And if that man has money and/or fame, he can humiliate her Kobe Bryant style, and the woman will STILL be on tv looking crazy holding her man's hand while he sits there crying because there is NO WAY a woman will give up her millionaire to another woman so that he can spend his loot on HER. Hey, that's how a lot of women think. Not saying it's right, but it it what it is sometimes.

So, do you agree? Are women more forgiving of infidelity than men are? If so, why do you think so?...if not, same question.

Or is each situation so unique that we can't make a general statement about it? You tell me. We can explore how to forgive or survive cheating tomorrow if you like, but for now, let's discuss who's better at forgiving infidelity. Break it down for me...

-b

Happy Monday!

I don't think we could have asked for a more perfect weekend weather-wise. Gorgeous wasn't it? Saturday night was a great night for a bachelorette party!

Now, for those of you who are on Facebook, you may have noticed my status update. It said something along the lines of Renee's bachelorette party and my baby daddy...who knows, I can't really remember ;-) This is for you Maliek!



(I think one of them actually DID dance to this song :-) LOL)

Ahem, anyway, we had a blast! We went to a "Hunk-a-Mania" show at club Element in NYC, and the blushing bride-to-be had a lot to blush about. She got a lot of special attention from some of the hottest men I've seen...including "Captain Tyson" as he was so affectionately known (we'd make some beautiful babies).

While I wouldn't REALLY procreate with stripper man, they were all easy on the eyes. But that's about it...just the eyes. Most shows like that don't get down and dirty and you don't see everything. They may tease you, do a few tricks, gyrate in your face - you know, the usual. But nothing really crazy ever happens. Women are screaming and yelling, not really at the men...but at what the men are doing to whoever the honoree is. Bachelorette parties are for embarrassing the bride, not about trying to get busy with the stripper. Most women barely want to touch the strippers because they're all sweaty. They might let you slap their ass...and women mostly touch them to stick a few singles in the thong thingy they're wearing.

All innocent.

Bachelor parties though? I've heard it's a very different story. However, I have YET to find a man who will go into ANY type of detail about what REALLY goes on. They'd never provide colorful commentary, no matter how tame or untame it may have been. Men have a code - what happens at the bachelor party STAYS at the bachelor party. A new world will be built before you find out what goes on there...at least from guy's perspective anyway. I used to wonder if it's really as bad as we think it is.

Well, a girlfriend of mine is a bartender - both in clubs and for private events. The stories she has told me about what goes on there is just straight up nasty. She said she's seen it all - from orgies, to men getting blowjobs in the middle of the room, having sex in random rooms of a hotel suite - you name it, she's seen it. She said she was actually quite horrified to see some of the men doing these crazy things - most of them with wedding rings on their fingers - using NO PROTECTION whatsoever with women who could care less so long as they were making money. Now, I always viewed bachelor parties as an excuse for the guests to act a fool, not really the groom. The Best Man feels the pressure to provide a kick-ass party, complete with strippers, even if the groom says he doesn't want any. It's not really for him, it's for THEM. My friend's stories have pretty much confirmed that. While she says that she's seen the groom get special attention in private rooms, the parties were mostly for his boys. She said it made her glad she was single, because nothing respectful was going on.

Now, I'm not saying a bachelorette party can NEVER reach that level...but I have yet to hear of one or attend a party like that. For women, bachelorette parties aren't about a "last night of sexual freedom" - meaning possible sex with someone else before she ties the knot. I'm not saying all men view bachelor parties that way either, but sometimes it makes you wonder...do men feel that they HAVE to have a bachelor party for that reason? One last night of freedom?

I'll pose the question to both men and women:

1. Do you want - or feel that you HAVE to - have a bachelor/bachelorette party?
2. If you're married - did you have one? Was it tame, or ig'nant off da hook?
3. If you weren't having a bachelor/bachelorette party and your spouse-to-be wanted one, would you allow him/her to have one?
4. What would you do if you found out they had one against your wishes?
5. Have you ever been to a party where someone (or yourself) did something they weren't supposed to do at the party with a stripper? If so, would you ever tell?

Let's hear what y'all have to say about this one? Enjoy the weather today - another beauty!

-b

TGIF!! What a beautiful Spring Day!!!

First off, congrats to Dre (aka Black Cloud) on his brand new baby girl born yesterday!! Many blessings to you and yours Dre!

I want to go see The Soloist tonight. Rameer gave it a glowing review - and I'm not surprised - I've been wanting to see this one for a while. Rameer and I had a discussion about crazy chicks the other day on Facebook, so that inspired my blog today. Today's blog is dedicated to movies that feature crazy chicks :-)

Many of you have said that you have no interest in seeing Obsessed, which is out in theaters today. While I want to see it, I don't want to pay for it :-) I'll figure something out...but in the meantime, if you haven't seen the trailer (which I find unbelievable since they've been promoting the hell out of this movie) - here it is - with some commentary from Idris Elba, Beyonce and Ali Larter.



Okay, so doesn't look like the BEST movie ever, but hey...never hurts to look at Idris Elba's fine ass! LOL! Kinda reminds you of:

She was a nutso....kinda like Erika Christensen in Swim Fan:



Even Martin had one:



Some women even obsess over other women:



...whoa

So, seems everyone needs to beware of the crazy chick. And to all my men out there, I hope the kitty kat doesn't trump this kinda crazy ;-) LOL!! Just jokes Rameer!

Tell me your favorite crazy chick flick :)

Have a fantastic weekend, the weather is going to be FABULOUS! Enjoy!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

First things first! I have a few new followers! Welcome Lady, NightFall914, Toni and Leslie! Feel free to comment and join in on the fun!

-I'm slowly figuring out Twitter - follow me @brookeybaby if you have an account. I'll figure it out sooner or later :-) I feel like a Twiddiot :-)

-I watched Rush Hour last night and was cracking up like it was my first time seeing it. "I no punk bitch!" "This ain't no cigarette, this cigaweed!" LMAO!!

-Can y'all believe the CFO of Freddie Mac killed himself? Insane.

-Is anyone else as excited as I am that it's going to reach the mid 80's this weekend? Mani/pedi with cute sandals...I'm ready!

-I am officially excited about going to DR. Now I just need to figure out how I'm getting to Newark International by 5am.

-I need some funky sandals to take on vacation.

-Idris Elba is fine as hell. I don't believe him and Beyonce together in that movie though, just don't see it.

-Going to see an Alvin Ailey performance tonight for the first time and I'm so excited! Liz is going with me!

-I feel some kinda way about men who rock tight ass cardigan sweaters. Something about that looks suspect to me...I dunno...

-I talked Time Warner into giving me 4 premium channels for free for a month after I called to complain about a slight discrepancy in my bill. They took off the extra charges and gave me more channels...which is why my ass hasn't been going to bed on time and why I haven't been signing on my computer at night. I might suffer withdrawal when the month is over, but only for a bit. I haven't watched this much tv in a WHILE! No withdrawal from the computer though, I needed that break. Facebook can go on without me...unless I do it from my phone :-) LOL!

-Now that the weather is starting to break, I see women wearing flipflops...no problem. BUT...what is up with the LONG ASS TOE NAILS??? I mean, not overgrown, but intentionally long...like acrylic nails added to toes? Buffoonery.

-The part just below the abs, above the top of his jeans, that little line...is one of the BEST parts of a man's anatomy to me.



-I want to go see Beyonce when she starts her tour in June. Everyone seems to hate on her, but I think she's dope...gonna definitely try to make that happen!

Go!

-b

Happy Earth Day everyone! Or as my nephew Kyce likes to say, "Earf Day."

(he has a thing with his "t-h's"....we're working on it) :-)

Last week my sister, her husband and the kiddies planted their garden. Kyce was so excited. He got on the phone and said, "Auntie! I planted food!"

"What kind of food?" I asked.

"Food you eat Auntie!"

...well...duh Auntie...why didn't I think of that? ;-)

Anyway, he's always telling me where to put my plastics and glass, which bin is used for what. He apparently learned about recycling in school. "We have to save the Earf Auntie."



Yes, he's absolutely right.

If you've never seen "The 11th Hour" - a documentary about what will happen to the Earth if we don't do something fast, then you should watch it. VERY daunting...I was so afraid and enlightened that I stopped buying my monthly supply of Poland Springs bottled water and got with the program with my Brita pitcher. PLEASE watch this trailer, the film is brilliant and terrifying all at once:



Little things mean so much, so I decided to list 50 ways we can help to live a GREENER lifestyle so that we can leave our children a much cleaner planet.

50 Green Tips for Earth Day and Beyond
By Kathleen J. King

It doesn't have to be Earth Day for me to think about how I can make an impact (or less of an impact) on our planet. Here are a few of my favorite tips:

1. Lower your thermostat. Buy a programmable thermostat.

2. Reuse your water bottle. Avoid buying bottled water. In fact, reuse everything at least once, especially plastics.

3. Check out your bathroom. Use low-flow faucets, showerheads, and toilets.

4. Start a compost in your back yard or on your rooftop.

5. Buy foods locally. Check out Eat Local Challenge and FoodRoutes to get started. Buy locally made products and locally produced services.

6. Buy in season.

7. Buy compact fluorescent light bulbs. You'll find more on energy-efficient products and practices at Energy Star.

8. Turn off lights and electronics when you leave the room. Unplug your cell phone charger from the wall when not using it. Turn off energy strips and surge protectors when not in use (especially overnight).

9. Recycle your newspapers.

10. Car pool. Connect with other commuters at eRideShare.

11. Consider a car sharing service like Zipcar.

12. Ride a bike.

13. Walk, jog, or run.

14. Go to your local library instead of buying new books.

15. At holidays and birthdays, give your family and friends the gift of saving the earth. Donate to their favorite environmental group, foundation, or organization.

16. Get off junk mail lists. GreenDimes can get you started. They’ll even plant a tree for you!

17. Buy products that use recyclable materials whenever possible.

18. If you use plastic grocery bags, recycle them for doggie poop bags or for small trashcan liners.
19. Bring your own bags to the grocery store. Given a choice between plastic and paper, opt for paper.

20. Buy locally. Find farmers’ markets, family farms, and other sources of sustainably grown food near you at LocalHarvest.

21. Consider organic cleaning products like vinegar, borax, and baking soda.

22. If you have a baby, consider using cloth diapers. To sign up for a diaper service to do the dirty work, check out the National Association of Diaper Services.

23. Consider buying a fuel-efficient car or a hybrid.

24. Landscape with native plants. Check out the article on the EPA website.

25. Opt into a clean energy program. Check out the Green Power Network at the US Department of Energy.

26. Go paperless. Consider reading your newspaper and magazine subscriptions online. Switch to electronic banking and credit card payment, too.

27. Teach kids about the environment.

28. Take your batteries to a recycling center. Earth 911 gives you the scoop.

29. Turn your car off if you’re going to be idle for more than one minute.

30. Do full loads of laundry and set the rinse cycle to “cold.”

31. Recycle. If you’re not at home, take the extra steps, (literally), to find that recycling can.

32. Reuse. Plastic food containers make good crayon and marker holders. Use padded envelops more than once. Buy your toddler or preschooler’s clothes from a thrift shop and give away those that don’t fit to friends. Goodwill or the Salvation Army can help.

33. Limit the length of your showers. Even better, take a “navy shower,” shutting off the water while soaping up and shampooing.

34. Don’t run the water when brushing your teeth. Learn about water scarcity.

35. Wash towels after several uses.

36. Purchase one case of water and provide clean water to 24 people (for over twenty years).

37. Give away your goods and find new ones at FreeCycle.

38. Recycle your technology. Dell, Hewlett Packard, Apple, and IBM, among others, offer recycling programs.

39. Go zero! Log on to the Conservation Fund’s Carbon Zero Calculator and in less than five minutes, you can measure and then offset your carbon dioxide emissions by planting trees.

40. Put your money where your mouth is—invest in green investments. Web sites like Co-op America's National Green Pages™ can help.

41. Learn about threats to ocean life and help Greenpeace take action.

42. Whenever you can, try using green cleaning products. Check out Cheap, Clean, and Green.

43. Find your local watershed and learn how to protect it.

44. Build a greener home.

45. Opt for eco-friendly and holistic health products.

46. Good to the last drop. Switch to fair trade coffee.

47. Go paperless at work. Distribute company information and post company material online.

48. Eliminate junk mail at work. For no fee, the EcoLogical Mail Coalition will eliminate the junk
that former employees receive at work.

49. Plant a forest and feed a family while you’re at it.

50. Shop smart. Choose eco-smart products

I hope this helps! Go out and plant a tree! Have a fantastic day!

-b

p.s. I wonder if Craig will contribute by going on one of his "Green Peace Missions" LOL!

Happy Tuesday!

It's not TMI Tuesday, but I'm going to share something with you all - I've had sex in a public place before....shhhhh! :-)

Okay, so not that big of a deal right? Probably because this is one of the number one sexual fantasies running through men and women's minds....right up there with threesomes and whatnot. At least that's what I've heard anyway ;-)

For some reason I've been rediscovering Usher's Here I Stand cd. I've had it for a while but never really gave it a good listen other than the singles played on the radio. I particularly like the remix to Love in This Club featuring Beyonce and Lil Wayne. I couldn't find a video for the remix, so I'll give y'all this one instead:

I've never so much as kissed someone on the dance floor in a club - although I'd love to. Something about feeling the person you're dancing with, along with feeling the music, is just so damn sexy to me. However, never done it. So I can't even fathom having sex in a club. I barely want to go pee in one. Ewww! But I have been in public places where the mood just hit me, and well...let's just say I was very careful not to get caught. I was with my man at the time, so no worries. Strangers or casual acquaintances get no such love from me, and I have to feel comfortable and safe with the person I'm with in order to go there...and I have, a few times ;-)

I have friends who've told me that they've had sex on rooftops of buildings, empty subway cars (I find that A LOT of New Yorkers have), backseats of cabs, bars, restaurant restrooms (his OR hers), offices, Central Park - you name it. I think New Yorkers are the biggest exhibitionists on the planet! Hell, I can barely stand that we all live on top of each other and that my neighbors can hear me through the walls, that is...if I have sex...IF...not that they have heard me...recently...huh?

Ahem...anyway ;-)

I find it funny that most people I know who are germophobes will not eat, pee or sit in/on any of those places I listed above - but gettin' busy is something totally different. They'll get it in ANYWHERE if the mood strikes...no big deal. It's all about the excitement, which makes me wonder - is the sex really good when you're leaning up against a wall, one leg balanced over his shoulder while you have one hand holding onto the....wait...huh? ;-)

After it's over and you look back at the experience, was the sex really good, or did it just seem that way because of the exciting possibility of getting caught? Or does that even matter? Do we do it because our primal needs kick in and take over, or do we do it simply as rite of passage (think "Mile High Club")?

Couple more questions, since we're sharing...sort of....

1. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
2. If so, where?
3. Give us your top 3 favorite public places for gettin' busy - the club not included ;-)

Is it hot in here, or is it just me? ;-)

-b

Happy Monday!

I hope you all had a great weekend and took advantage of the 70+ degree weather we had on Saturday here in the northeast - beautiful weekend!

So this morning, I'm IMing with a friend of mine. He tells me that his daughter, who is black, got accepted to a college in Iowa. He wanted her to go to an HBCU, but she refuses. His response to hearing the news?

"She's definitely bringing home a white boy."

I asked him if he would have a problem with that, and he said, "as long as he treats her right, I have no problem with it."

Good Daddy :-)

And based on many statistics, there is a definite possibility that she may actually bring home a white boy. Take a look at this report.



Imagine my surprise when watching this clip I noticed a co-worker who is featured in the story. I'm going to have to go over to her later today and ask her about her experiences dating outside of her race.

I've never dated a white guy personally. Having gone to majority white schools all my life, I've had a few approach me in middle school and high school, but rarely in my adult dating life. They may seek me out online, but that's about it. They never approach me in person and definitely not at work. That used to make me wonder if they were afraid to approach black women, or if they only view black women as a fantasy to be pursued behind closed doors and through computer screens. They are DEFINITELY not approaching me.

I have two very good friends who have dated and married white men, and they say they never sought out a white guy - it just happened. That's who they fell in love with. And to them, a man is a man. Period. One met her husband at work, both lawyers.

My sister is married to a Moroccan man, and although he's not white, he's not really considered black by most people either. I know plenty of black women who will date Latino men as well - but they're considered men of color...so that doesn't really count as dating outside your race right? Many will debate that; and I know a few black women who have told me that their Puerto Rican boyfriend's parents were APPALLED when he brought home a black woman - even though they themselves could be mistaken as black.

Although we see many more black women exploring different races as dating preferences, for the most part we are overwhelmingly loyal to our race. We will usually exhaust all options before deciding to date a man who is not black by society's standards. Some studies attribute this to factors that date all the way back to slavery. We just tend to stick by our men. And the white guy we seek has to look like George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Clive Owen all rolled up into one. This clips sums it up, fast forward to about 3 minutes in:



Funny as hell! but there is some truth to it :-)

But studies say that if we want to get married, then this loyalty may lead to our downfall. And it's not as simple as there aren't enough black men to go around (even though when you factor in DL/gay, incarcerated, under-educated and unemployed men, it seems kinda bleak) - the real reason they say we're not getting married is because no one is asking. Studies seem to suggest that black men suffer from the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" syndrome when it comes to marriage. Do you think this is true? I'm curious to hear how many black men out there are actually INTERESTED in getting married.

Now, I'm not telling black women to run out there and find a man of a different race if that isn't her thing. The LAST thing I want to suggest is that there are no good available black men out there. If a Black woman wants to have a lasting, substantive, romantic relationship with a black man, she has to allow him to be an individual and not representative of a group of stereotypes. When citing reasons for our difficulties with the opposite sex, we shouldn't offer statistics straight out of the media's gloomy playbook. At the end of the day, the last thing any man, Black or White, wants to be treated as is a statistic. Each man is different, but a man nonetheless. Just keep your eyes and hearts open...and simply love who you love.

-b

Happy Wonderful, WARM Friday! I think Spring is trying to spring its way here, if only for a couple days. I hope you all get out and get a chance to enjoy the beautiful weather we're having today in NYC!

Now, it should be no surprise that I watch Oprah almost everyday. Yesterday's show was about 14 year olds who think they're ready to have sex. I think I had just STARTED liking boys at that age, so I was no where NEAR ready to have sex. Kissing a boy at that age was major for me. My how times have changed...at least from my perspective anyway.

Dr. Laura Berman was Oprah's guest sex expert, and she's been on her show a few times. One guest appearance in particular, she stirred up some controversy by saying that mothers should teach their daughters about masturbation at an early age - like between 12-14. This promo gives you a bit of a glimpse:



Mothers called into the Oprah show all in a tizzy saying that teaching teenage girls about masturbation crossed the line. While most boys around that age spend hours in the bathroom handling their business, girls are expected to keep their legs closed with all of this pent up frustration ravaging through their sex-crazed-hormone-raging bodies. Yes, we girls had that rage too...don't sleep.

So why then is it such a big deal to inform young girls about their bodies and allow them to explore it? Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with that suggestion. The fact that men and women were all in a huff about it shows how taboo this subject is for women. We wouldn't blink if we heard that a teenage boy masturbated 3-5 times a day, but it's assumed that this is something teenage girls shouldn't do. Trust me, I'd rather my daughter learned to masturbate than give some horny teenage boy a blow job or sexing him in the backseat of a car. It's happening.

The reason it should be learned, or at least known about, prior to puberty is so teens have a constructive means of addressing their developing sex drive. It also increases their awareness of their ever-changing body, and provides some sense of control over it. If a teenage girl knows how to masturbate, she's less likely to be compelled to seek out a sexual partner before she is emotionally and physically ready. While girls start menstruating between the ages of 10 and 14, their body is not truly prepared for pregnancy, childbirth and nursing until late in their teens. Masturbation provides young women with an option other than sexual frustration or sex with a partner when they're not ready or can't handle the consequences of a sexual encounter gone wrong.

Now, I'm not saying a mom should teach her daughter HOW to masturbate - no porn, or a demonstration or anything like that :-) But young girls shouldn't feel ashamed of their sexual needs. The fact that a teenage girl could satisfy her own needs and listen to her body is empowering...and should be celebrated, not questioned. But tell me what you think...should young girls be taught about masturbation at an early age? How old were YOU when you had "the talk?"

Hit me! and have a great weekend! Let the sun shine on your face!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I got the best makeover at the Honey Magazine offices last night. If you'd like to read about my experience, visit my blog over at B's Honey Pot. I felt pretty...oh so pretty! You couldn't tell me I wasn't America's Next Top Model, lol :-)

Okay...thoughts....

- I know I've sex on the brain lately, but I'd settle for one REALLY GOOD LONG SENSUAL kiss...haven't had a good one in a while. I love to kiss, and I think I'm really good at it. Soft lips, heat, passion...just one good smooch is all I need!...for now ;-)

- I love the saying "smash the homies" - damn that Ray J....AND RAMEER and Dre for making me intrigued enough to watch it!

- I hope "Danger" wins...with her crazy ass.

- I am SO looking forward to Soul Siesta over Memorial weekend in the Dominican Republic. After that I can stop saying how much I need a vacation on Random Thoughts Thursday.

- B told me it's so off the hook that I'm gonna need a vacation from my vacation.

- If you have any blog topics, feel free to send them to me! That way I won't blog about sex as much as I have been...unless that's the topic you send to me ;-)

- I think I'm gonna sneak out early tonight to go kickboxing.

- I can't wait to feel 70 degrees on my skin this weekend. But then it's gonna get cold and rainy again. I'll just soak up the weekend and complain about the crappy weather when it actually gets here...damn April showers!

- This year is flying by right?

- I brought Pio Pio for lunch today, can't wait to eat it! The green sauce is delicious...and SPICY!

- I need to call my dad.

- I also need to get my readership up on my Honey blog...help a sista out!

- Also, if you can, follow them on Twitter @ Honey Magazine. And if you're one of those rare people that actually still checks your Myspace account, add them there as well - www.myspace.com/honeysback. Thanks!

Go!

-b

I never understood Ray J’s appeal. Never. Still don’t. But damn if my cousin and I weren’t having a conversation about “smashing the homies” Monday night at dinner.

Yes, I saw this episode. I know it'll pain you Serena, I know this. But please... just watch this one act for me....PLEASE!

Now, Ray J is straight bamma to me. Country corny. And I vowed I’d never watch his show because, like the rest of most "celebreality" shows ala Flavor of Love and I Love New York, it’s straight buffoonery to me. Or coonery. Whatever you wanna call it.

But one night, while trying to think of something to blog about, and after an episode of Tough Love went off and For the Love of Ray J came on, I got sucked in. I just HAD to see what all the nonsense was about. This show is discussed every Tuesday in my staff meetings at work and rates well every week. The most white-bred Jewish guy in my department is addicted to it. And every week, Facebook is lit up with status updates about “Danger” and “Unique” and all the other goings-on from that show. Of my Facebook friends, Rameer is the number one offender..Dre is a close second :-)

I never got Ray J. I always say I wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear what game he’s spittin’ to these chicks to make them fall for him. It’s one thing to think he’s cute as Brandy’s lil brother. But laying down with him? Really? I mean, he has shared women with Bobby Brown, had Superhead all in love with him, got women cooing like “dayumm” off the Kim Kardashian sex tape (I wasn’t all that impressed) and he’s even been said to have put his mack down on Whitney Houston! Da hell?

So, as I watched, listening to his country ass speak, I realized - Ray J is funny as hell! First of all, anyone who rolls with Warren G. AND Tom Green at the same party? Funny as hell. Anyone who says “peace to the homies” and wears a mink in hot ass Cali? Funny as hell. And anyone who KNOWS he wants crazy ass "Danger" as his chick? Funny as hell! (and maybe a bit nuts)

And yes…secretly I’m rooting for her crazy ass to "win"...even though I have a feeling she’s gonna smash the windows out his car one day and burn his house down. He better sleep with one eye open.

Anyway, I’ve never been one to be a tv or movie snob. If you like something, you like it. No need to justify it. I hear people say all the time, “I’m ashamed to admit I watch **insert show here**…” Hell, I’ve said it myself. But you know what? That’s what tv is for. Yes, it can be stupid and silly. But it's entertainment for SOMEONE. It’s escapism. It’s train wreck tv. It’s sometimes just funny as hell. And it’s all on basic cable...just call your local provider :-)

(or get a hook-up from the cable guy) Ha!

Ahem...sooooo, what show is your guilty pleasure? What tv show do you (or did you) hate to admit you watch religiously?

And this question is simply to satisfy my own curiosity...would you date a girl (or guy) who "smashed the homies?" LOL!!

Holla at me!

-b

Happy (TMI) Tuesday!

I know we normally only do TMI Tuesday the first Tuesday of every month, but your boy Craig asked me if he could do something similar for today. I know Fridays are Craig's normal blog days, but who am I to deny him? With Craig, you just never know...but it's always interesting to say the least, so I'm turning it over to him today. So...let's see what he's talking about now... :-)

Behind Closed Doors...by Craig Verde

Hello Beautiful Peoples! So, I’m keeping this one short and sweet. Not coming at you today with anything too crazy. Just sharing a couple tidbits and asking you a simple question…

I like smelling my own farts...I’m serious...

When I was 11...I walked into a closet with a flashlight, a roll of Charmin and a crush on my 6th grade music teacher. Two hours later, I came out a MAN. It also took another two hours for my vision to go back to normal...

When I was eight, I saw my Aunt drop a piece of steak on the floor. Never blinking, she looked around, then STEPPED on it (repeatedly)...even had WARREN the dog lick it a few times. Auntie picked it up, threw it on a plate and served my uncle with a smile. She never saw me and I never said anything...My uncle was a dick...

Since he was a kid, my older brother loves digging his nose...and eating it. It’s nothing to him. It’s like biting nails...well, except it’s softer and saltier. I mean...I’m just assuming it is... ANYWAY...My brother thinks I don’t know he eats his boogers like trail mix.

I made out with a cousin at a family reunion...third cousin...I was 16...(I’m still praying over this one...)

My boy calls me up...desperate to smoke to calm his nerves after a day of work. I tell him I’m fresh out of weed...as I roll the fattest blunt...

Sometimes I pee in the shower...

I say these things to bring up this point...

When I was a child, there was a saying above the door in my classroom. It was ENGRAVED into my head...

“CHARACTER IS NOT BASED ON WHAT WE DO IN FRONT OF OTHERS, CHARACTER IS BASED ON WHAT WE DO WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING”

What we do when no one is watching? Would our loved ones and friends see us the same if they knew EVERYTHING?

The time you were in the store and you saw the unwrapped toy at the store. Did you put it in your pocket and walk out holding mommy’s hand?

That piece of food falls on the floor? You ever pick it up and eat it?

Ever walk down the block and notice a wallet on the ground? Do you pick it up and keep it moving? Or do you call the owner but keep the cash?

Does your significant other know all the nasty little things you may do? Is there something that if they knew before hand, you guys may not even be together?

Just asking...

-Craig

Happy Monday!

I'm so tired today. I always seem to come back to work more tired after a long weekend, a long weekend that goes by way too fast.

I spent the weekend with family - part of it in NY, the other half in Philly. Yesterday during a lazy afternoon, my mother, sister and I watched the movie Sex in the City. This is a movie I can watch over and over again. It's funny, flirty, sexy and certain scenes always make me cry. Yes...I said cry. It's a bit blurry, but here is one part where I cry everytime.



To some the series and the movie may have been about a group of fabulously dressed, rich-for-no-reason white women running around New York City. But this movie was also about friendship. Even though Carrie FINALLY got Big, and Miranda and Charlotte found their happily-ever-afters, and Samantha...well, is Samantha - their true soulmates weren't found in their men. They were found in each other.

I know alot of women who ask, "when will I find my soulmate?" I say most of the women have found them already, but just don't realize it. A soulmate isn't just some lofty notion of a romantic partner. A soulmate can be a sibling, a friend, a parent - anyone. The true, innermost spiritual meaning of what people call a "soulmate" is the one eternal partner made and given by God. However, people fail to recognize their soulmate(s) because they think God will only send them ONE. Or because they feel that soulmates are eternal.

Soulmates are a universal flow of untapped energy that we can relate to as love at any given moment in any given form. Many of us don't understand the meaning of this. It's the same thing we keep avoiding all our lives when we don't invest ourselves fully in our relationships. On an unconscious level, soulmates tap into that energy of unconditional love. It doesn't have to be a romantic love, or a physical connection. It's easy to not see your soulmate when you're only looking through a narrow scope.

I have several soulmates - probably the most important being my sister. She is my mirror image...yet we are totally different. When I say my mirror image, I don't mean physically - but spiritually, emotionally and mentally. She understands me the most, loves me the hardest, and lifts me the highest. And I do the same for her. We sustain our relationship at its fullest potential. She came into my life as my sibling, a special bond between sisters that some may see as common...others rare. It was written in the stars for us to be bonded as sisters...and I feel lucky that she is in this world with me.

I also have friends who came into my life on their own accord, and I into theirs. I love them like sisters. They're there when you need them. They offer guidance, gentle advice, a comforting ear. They bring you peace when you need it, and answer your call at 4am when you need someone to talk to. Soulmates of this sort can come into our lives in fast, weird or unexpected ways. The situations and events in the universe accommodate the arrival and the union of two souls that compliment each other. These types of soulmates show unconditional love towards each other which can sometimes be difficult to comprehend, but feels destined nonetheless.

There are some soulmates who come into your life for a season - they don't stay in our lives for a great length of time. You might come across a soulmate of this kind when you are just wandering along the street, or in the bookstore, some random gathering, online, wherever. Someone may come along simply to provide you with a small message that will give you the answer to a 'question' you may have at any given time in your life. These soulmates are placed on our path out of the blue only to never see their face again. And then we move on, feeling blessed at having had them in our life at that necessary moment. Their role is to provide us with what we need at that time to push us forward and keep us moving.

So...my answers to, "will I ever meet my soulmate?" First - take a look around. They exist everywhere. How much real attention do we pay to the people around us? We have such a romantic idea of what a soulmate is that it leads us to disregard the people in our lives who provide us with help, who listen to us and are there for us in our time of need everyday. We may have several soulmates and not even see them.

Second - have you ever questioned if you are a good example of a soulmate for someone else? In reality, the importance is not in searching to find the right partner for you, but in whether you yourself are willing to be the 'right' partner for someone else. It goes both ways, and maybe God will present you with a soulmate when you've done the work on yourself needed to be a soulmate to someone else.

In the end, we all can be the 'right' soulmate for anyone we choose in our life, but only when we're ready to treat our partner as we want to be treated, to respect our differences, embrace our commonalities, accept the person for who they are and cherish every moment spent with them. Both soulmates have to be ready to embark on their journey together through love and commitment. Soul to soul, love begins in God and has no end.

-b

TGIF!!

And for those who observe, Happy Blessed Good Friday!

I'm taking the day off from blogging today. My sister, nephews and I are heading into the city to my job to meet some folks since we didn't get a chance to do it yesterday, so I hope everyone is around. But if you happen to be off today, I hope you're enjoying time relaxing or with family and friends.

This is a holy weekend for a lot of people, myself included. If you celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, have a joyous, blessed Easter!

Have a great weekend everyone and I'll be back on Monday!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I'm off from work today and tomorrow, and my sister and nephews are on their way up to the NYC to see me! YAY!! Kyce is on spring break and wanted to come spend part of it in NY, so I have to show them a good time - any suggestions!??

Since I'll be out and about with them, I won't have time to comment today as much as I normally do. But since when did that stop any of you from having fun? Maybe Craig is around today to hold it down for me :) Anyone wanna volunteer to moderate? Rameer? :-) Feel free to keep the party going...and as always, I'll be checking in to see what's happening from my phone :) Now...

- Finally! A nice, sunny day. Not yet as warm as I'd like it to be, but spring is SLOWLY getting here!

- B, I'm am STRONGLY considering going to Punta Cana for your Memorial Weekend Jammy Jam. I'm gonna call you later to get details...cuz a sista needs a vacation - even if it is a small one.

- I hate it when I'm about to go food shopping and discover all my GOOD coupons have expired. Dagnabbit!

- Yes, I use coupons...PROUDLY! I always save at least $30 when I shop.

- I'm in a shopping mood today. I saw some sandals I want online and I WILL be getting them. Trust me, that's a lot for me...I'm NEVER in a shopping mood. I like to save money :)

- I want T-Pain's cd...for some reason I feel silly saying that. His songs always make me laugh :)

- Not really feeling this Sun and Sand Yankee Candle. Smells like soapy sand.

- Speaking of sand, I need to wiggle my toes in some.

- I'm excited Serena is moving back east, even though I don't think I've ever met her - how funny is that!? I feel like she's an old friend.

- Got my income tax refund back yesterday! Isn't it great when you just happen to check your bank balance and then go "whoa!" Yes, that was me yesterday!

- Why are we always so happy about that - like a tax refund is free money? It's OUR money!

- Why are houses/condos/apartments so freakin' expensive in NY?! My tax guy told me to buy something this year, but it seems damn near impossible!

- I think I'll take the kiddies to see Monsters vs. Aliens tonight.

- Kyce said, "we're having a sleepover and making smoothies at Auntie's house." The boy is a health nut at 5 years old.

- Someone remind me to pay my car insurance.

- Did I mention my family was coming up to see me today?! :-)

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

Yesterday a guy friend of mine told me he was a "freak." Don't ask me how we got on that subject...something about TMI Tuesday I believe ;)

Anyway, for some reason, I didn't believe him. I think I conjure up a certain image in my brain when someone tells me they're a freak...and I'm not sure it's a good one :)

In our discussion yesterday, we said size was relative. Well, I think being considered a freak is all relative too. When someone says they're a freak, what does that mean? Does that mean they like to try different things in bed? Taboo things? Wild things? Does it mean a woman is a ho or a man likes to pull hair or spank you?

Here's a question - is being considered a freak a good thing? A compliment? An insult? I guess it depends on what your definition of a freak is.

When most people tell me they're a freak, it almost sounds like a warning to me. I instantly think, "what the hell are they up to?"

One guy told me he likes to choke women while having sex.

(Yikes!...actually more like "WTF?")

But is that being a freak...or being violent? If you're a woman who likes being choked, are you a freak...or are you nuts? Personally, I don't think being choked out is on the freaky side...to me it's more on the "Chris Brown" side. But hey, that's just me.

One woman told me that her man said she was a freak because she was loud during sex. If that's his idea of a freak, I told her she should go home and spank his ass with a wooden spoon or smack him in the face with a bag full of nickels during sex and see if he still thinks that being loud is equal to being a freak :-) To me, being a loud lover isn't being a freak at all. If she was vocal because it was THAT good, then that's just a reaction...that doesn't make her a freak does it?

Maybe my idea of someone who's a freak is too extreme. If you try to spank me with rubber chickens, or if you have sex with mutant lesbian midgets who zap your nipples with Annamaria's taser...then you might be a freak :) But hey, that's just my opinion :)

Someone once told me that they think R. Kelly is a freak because he likes to give "golden showers" to girls.

Maybe.

But to me, he's not a freak...he's a pedophile. A mentally unstable one.

If you have sex with animals, you're not a freak...you're just nasty. And crazy.

If you're a man who has a thing for wearing diapers and likes to get spanked by "mommy"...then you might be a freak. Or you might be just plain simple.

Being sexually adventurous, spontaneous, open to new things - none of that is freaky to me. But if you take it to the point where you physically harm, embarrass, exploit or disrespect someone, then that's something else. Some may say that there's a thin line between being "freaky" and being INSANE...but to me, the lines are clear.

So let's hear it...

What do you think makes a man/woman a freak?

Is being a freak considered a good or bad thing in your opinion? Compliment or insult...and why?

And lastly, are you a freak? Let's see if y'all tell the truth :-)

-b

It's TMI TUESDAY!

Okay, so the other night someone asked me if size matters. Totally random, but hey...we grown right? So I ventured to answer.

And my answer was - it's all relative.

I know that may seem like dodging the answer, or being too vague - but it really depends. Are we talking length, girth, what? :-)

Honestly, I can't say that anyone I've been with was small...at least not to me anyway. I don't know if I'm being delusional, or if I've just been lucky...who's to say? Maybe it's just a numbers thing.

But the truth of the matter is, none of them were the same because the man it was attached to was truly unique. Each man, and his member, have distinct characteristics - just like each woman is different. All women have breasts - some small and perky, some plump and heavy - all different...and men love all variations. And so do we!

Women tend to judge how great sex is by how they feel about the man they're with, not necessarily what he's packin'. Sure, we might be impressed with a lil extra sumthin' sumthin', but at the end of the day, if we really like you, we'll pretty much work with whatever you have. They say the average penis is between 5.5 inches and 6.2 inches fully erect - but most women really can't tell the difference. It's not like we keep a ruler under our pillow. We really don't think about it that deep. (no pun intended...well...maybe ;)

At the same time, dudes that ARE truly packin' can scare the bjeezus outta us too. It goes both ways - it can be a blessing and a curse. If you have to cram yourself into a Magnum XL, we might run. No, seriously...we might. We may be intrigued...but then fear could set in (unless you like a challenge). I for one have no interest in being impaled.

This is TMI Tuesday right?

Ahem...anyway.

Personally, I think this is a question men agonize over more than women. We women usually don't run deeper than 3-4 inches when aroused anyway...so anything extra is a waste...and maybe painful :-) All of our nerve endings are in the front, not down at the bottom...so knocking the bottom out of chicks shouldn't be the goal :-)

Not for nothing, I - and probably most women - prefer skill over size anyway. Think about it - just cuz Kobe is tall doesn't automatically make him the best basketball player in the NBA. Having muscles isn't enough to be in the NFL. You need skill - mastery of it. You need finesse. It takes practice. It takes confidence. Size means nothing if you aren't willing to put in the work. By work I mean listening to your partner, paying attention, doing what you can to please her. Having the confidence it takes to know exactly how to touch her to make her feel amazing is much easier to come by than a few extra inches. Just because a man has a 747 doesn't mean he knows how to land it.

But what do you think?

Women - does size matter?

Men - do you think about your size? Does size matter to you (breasts, ass, thighs, etc.?)

It's TMI Tuesday - let's go!

-b

Happy Monday!

So, last Friday we talked about "friends with benefits." Let's just say that topic sparked some interesting conversation - both on AND off the blog. So let's keep the party going shall we?

Let me start by admitting that I finally watched a FULL episode of "For the Love of Ray J." Yes, you read right. I watched it. (Su, pick your jaw up off the floor) My friend Su knows how much I detest these ridiculous dating shows on tv - especially the VH1 ones. Flava Flav, I Love New York, Rock of Love...all of them are straight buffoonery to me. But I watched Ray J after Tough Love last night while trying to think of something to blog about.

Ray J eliminated "Chardonnay" (these names kill me). He said they were more "homies" than lovers. He said that he had love for her - not the romantic kind of love...but "family" love. He just wasn't that into her.

Now, the other girls were needy, manipulative...and crazy. But he had a "connection" to them. "Connection" to me translates into "chemistry" - sexual. He might have had some type of physical attraction to Chardonnay, but it wasn't strong enough to the point where he could see himself with her. I'm curious if he really sees himself with ANY of them, but I digress...

Anyway, that got me to thinking. Can you have great sex and great friendship all wrapped into one? I wonder because, like we said Friday, "friends with benefits" would seem to be the ideal situation...right? What is that thing that separates friends from lovers - and romantic feelings? Can you have sex with a friend that you truly love...even if that love is only as a "play cousin?" What makes you consider someone a friend vs. a partner?

It seems the best combination is the "homie, lover, friend" - but is that really hard to come by? I would have put the video up, but I'm not giving R. Kelley's simple ass any more shine than I already have. But the lyrics make sense.

She can kick back with da homies.

She can relate to my sex drive.

Isn't that what we all want? What men want anyway? :-) If we're homies, and we please each other sexually, what lands a woman in the "friend zone?" Usually with women, a man who lands in the "friend zone" couldn't even smell it, let alone get some nooky. But men can get busy with the female homie like nothing. Women catch feelings, men keep it moving. Well...generally speaking.

Or maybe we just THINK that we're the total package. Just because we're friends, can talk about anything, got each other's back and can rock each other's world DOESN'T mean we're exactly what the other person is looking for. Maybe there is some magic list of "non-negotiables" that we don't measure up to completely. What is that "thing" the other person HAS to have in order for us to cross the line from friendship to romantic love?

So, questions to you all:

What makes the perfect "homie, lover, friend?"

Is it possible, or how hard is it, to walk away from someone who is doing you exactly the way you like it?

Why is it so hard to get both good sex and a good relationship with the same person?

Or is it? Do any of you have the perfect "homie, lover, friend?"

Break it down...

-b

TGIF!!

Okay, so I'm sure the title of this post got your attention. I felt this blog brewing in my brain as I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was talking to me about her "jumpoff." Now, knowing their situation, I immediately corrected her and told her he was more than a jumpoff. She asked me why, to which I promptly answered, "because you actually LIKE him."

Urban Dictionary defines a Jumpoff as the following:

Jumpoff - noun
SIDEPIECE - can refer to a man/woman or mistress you f*ck on the side of your regular. Someone used strictly for sex.

Now, you could also call your jumpoff your "F*ck Buddy." Same thing right? But are "Friends with Benefits" the same thing as well? I feel like there's a slightly different connotation with this term...but for others, it's all the same.

I think it's possible that actual friends can find each other attractive enough to have sex with, but not to pursue a relationship with. I used to wonder why these two people couldn't be in a relationship if they're already friends as well as being sexually attracted to each other. After all, that's the perfect scenario right?

But then I came to realize that just because you're great friends or great lovers, doesn't mean you'd be great in a relationship. One of you may have commitment issues. Others simply may not have the time to commit to a serious relationship. Some people make great boyfriends or girlfriends, but not spouses (if that's what you ultimately want) - the list of reasons is endless.

So, with that said - since my friend seemed slightly confused as to when someone is a jumpoff or not, I decided to write this blog from MY perspective to define what it is, to state what the benefits to having a jumpoff, f*ck buddy or friend with benefits are, as well as state the drawbacks. There are many - so I'll give my list here and you all can feel free to add to it if you like.

Now, as a woman, there are times when our body wants what we know our mind doesn't. He's the fine ass mandingo with the brain the size of a peanut. He's sexy as hell, a nice guy perhaps, and you like him JUST enough to give him some. We think he's adorable, but maybe mentally or emotionally lacking. He may be great, but he may be too young...you know, kinda like the cable guy ;-) We don't want to date him or bring him around our friends or family..ever - cuz we know better. But damn, the chemistry between you is electric. You want the lovin, but no strings attached. Do you deny yourself? What do you do? That's up to you, but if you decide to make him your jumpoff...then here are the rules:

Rule #1: Be honest about what you want upfront - with yourself and each other. Negotiating a long-term, friends-with-benefits type situation can be tricky for us ladies. Men are seemingly born knowing how to detach emotions from sex - I think it's in their DNA. Some can spend a whole night with you, then trip over you the next day and not even recognize you. But women can have a harder time of it. Some women wind up feeling used or like they're promiscuous. I realize it's a double standard, but if you're uncomfortable with it, don't do it. Man or woman, make sure you BOTH know upfront that it's all about sex and nothing else. That way neither will feel like they're being used by the other. You're both using each other equally! :)

Rule #2: It ain't about "We." Avoid using pronouns like "us" or "we," and all talk of plans further into the future than the hour it takes him to get to your place is not allowed.

Rule #3: No meals together. Acceptable dining situations include maybe a bowl of cereal in the morning before he bounces...or maybe a late-night grilled cheese or some hot pockets (3 minutes in the microwave) after y'all got busy. Meals to be avoided are breakfast, brunch, dinner, or any other setting where you actually have to talk to each other at length :) Speaking of talking...

Rule #4: Limit conversation. Questions any more probing than "do you have condoms?" and "how fast can you get here?" can get a little sticky. Your jumpoff doesn't want to hear about your day, who pissed you off at work, or how cute your nephew is. Keep it light and keep it moving.

Rule #5: This probably goes without saying, but no socializing outside of the bedroom. He doesn't meet your friends, you don't meet his. That goes double for family members. The best thing about having a jumpoff is that he's your dirty little secret (unless he's just SO fine that you want to show-off a lil bit :-)

I'm going to stop at 5 rules so that you all can add yours. Sex with no strings can get tricky if you're not honest about what you want. It's easy for one of you to catch feelings, so keeping those rules in mind should help you avoid that. But if you like someone and think that getting into a "friends with benefits" situation will make that person come around to wanting more, you could be in for a rude awakening. If you're jealous or possessive by nature...then a "f*ck buddy" situation might not be for you. Sometimes even if WE don't want that person, we don't want someone else to have them either. And if they stop seeing you so that they can date someone else seriously...and you'd feel some kinda way about that...then having a jumpoff isn't for you.

The point of having a jumpoff or friend with benefits is because it's convenient and it's comfortable. But in the comfort zone, someone can get attached. For some, separating sex from emotions isn't an easy thing to do...and I'm not just talking about women. If one of you catches feelings, while the other one doesn't, then someone is getting hurt. Period. Nine times out of 10, these situations don't result in a real relationship - they end when someone finds someone they REALLY want to date seriously, or when the attraction subsides. If you can't handle that, don't do it.

Lastly, if you truly ARE friends, I'd say avoid it altogether. Lines can get blurred between friendship and sex, and once you cross the physical boundaries of the friendship, it's hard to turn back. If one of you gets angry at the other, or the sex stops abruptly or anything else bad happens, it may not be worth jeopardizing the friendship you share. Sex may not be a risk you're willing to take in losing a real friendship. There should be no regrets.

And even if you ARE able to navigate back and forth between friendship and sex effortlessly, messing around with a good friend could potentially mess up your future relationships. If your new man/woman finds out you had sex with your best buddy, they may feel insecure - Hey, if it happened once, it can happen again right? You can't really fault them for that line of thinking...it's human nature. Either don't do it, or take it to the grave.

The upside is, even though rare, romantic feelings CAN develop if you truly are friends. If that happens, you have the best of both worlds - a real relationship based on friendship, understanding and sexual attraction that is FIYA!

-b

Random Thoughts Thursday!

- Can I just say, I LOVED that Michelle Obama didn't curtsy for the Queen of England. She shook her hand...LOVED IT!

- Do people still play April Fool's pranks?

- I wish I had a spring break - I need to go away somewhere.

- The question of the day today on the radio was would you "put it on ice" if your partner went away to jail? The question was in response to T.I. having to go away for a year and a day. If I was Tiny, then yes, I'd hold it down. But me...personally...no. Not sure I could rock with a jailbird. I'd have to be convinced you were really innocent and that it was a set up...otherwise...no haps man.

- What is the longest you think you could go without sex?

- Tomorrow is my cat Cole's birthday. He'll be 14 years old :-)

- Do you think schools handing out condoms to teenage students is condoning sex? My co-worker Triniese wanted me to pose that question on the blog. I don't think schools are condoning it, but school officials know kids are doing it - might as well be safe. I feel that whatever values teenagers were taught at home determine whether or not a they will have sex. Are schools overstepping their bounds?

- To Twitter or not to Twitter?

- I want to give my apartment a makeover.

- Hell, I need a makeover. I think I'm gonna cut my hair soon.

- I think I'm going to take advantage of Spa Week - get a good facial and massage!

- I'm going to cry when I watch the final episode of ER tonight. I can't believe it's going off the air. It's been so good this season!

- I've brought my lunch to work everyday this week, I'm so proud of myself! Just have to try to keep it up.

- I'm curious to see the new baseball stadiums in NY.

- I did kickboxing at home last night instead of at the gym, I worked it out!

- Monica, I was laughing to myself on the train last night thinking about your crazy uncle. You were in rare form yesterday!

- I'm tired of paying student loans. I feel like I owe Syracuse my first born. I didn't borrow a lot, but damn, it feels like it!

- Someone remind me to pay my student loan :-)

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day - and Happy April Fool's Day!

Speaking of fools - I usually don't suffer any. For those not familiar with the phrase "doesn't suffer fools gladly," it basically means one doesn't tolerate stupidity or stupid people. I find that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for a lot of things...willful ignorance being one of them. But it doesn't stop at willful ignorance. I have little tolerance for pettiness, misguided arrogance and self righteous indignation...just to name a few. Back to that later....

Here is a question I want to pose to you all: If you are no longer friends with someone, do you feel justified, or have you ever revealed things that were told to you in confidence by that person simply because you are no longer friends? Do you feel that since you two are no longer friends, nothing is off limits and all confidences can be broken? After all, you're no longer bound by the rules of friendship right?

The reason I ask is because I'm struggling with that now...as I feel it has been done to me. I have no SOLID proof, but I have a strong, gut feeling. Nothing salacious or wicked was said...but confidence broken nonetheless.

In situations like that, our first instinct is usually to retaliate. I find it interesting that a person would stoop to such a level when they may have told me things in confidence I could easily share that would shatter an image, embarrass and/or ultimately, hurt them. It baffles me that people don't think before they act or speak. I could easily do damage...especially considering I have an audience. But I won't....here is why.

First of all, it's too easy. It's much easier to seek shelter in pettiness and ridiculous behavior, than to stand tall with your head held high. It's easier to slap someone in the face than to turn the other cheek. It's easy to sink to someone's level. But at 5'10, all divine woman, I'm too tall to sink to anyone's level. I refuse to do it. Is that suffering a fool?

Second, a hasty word, a careless utterance, a deliberate act of malice to hurt someone else, the decision to do what we know is wrong at the time, all must be done in the presence of God. We have to be able to back up those actions with our spirit in mind - and that's a price I'm not willing to pay. Even when we feel justified in our bitterness and anger, in our righteous indignation, I'm not willing to pay the price of the broken connection with the Divine Spirit. The power that goes with our divinity is only ours when we act the part - and we can't act the part if we choose anger and bitterness over virtue. Instead, I'll leave that to the fools. How does the saying go? "A man (or woman) who feels self-righteousness rise from his petty virtues lives a life of self-delusion."

So...is suffering fools an act of forgiveness? That's debatable...but it can bring inner peace.

Forgiveness is "selective remembering" - a conscious decision to focus on love and the positive and let the rest go. The choice to let go of hurt and anger towards other people is the decision to see ourselves as we truly are. My eyes are open now, and although I am no longer blinded by other's imperfections, so am I not blinded to my own. As an extension of God, I won't seek to judge, but to heal...and move on. When someone hurts us, lies to us or betrays us, they've lost touch with the essence of who they are. When someone treats us the wrong way, we want to respond in kind. The appropriate response isn't malice...but love - because their behavior is a cry for help or love. We should actually feel sorry for them.

Suffering or not suffering any fools isn't for me to determine. Instead, I'll simply move out the way to give divine justice a chance to prevail. The responsibility isn't on my shoulders. At the end of the day, God knows who is accountable for what, and no matter what they did to you, they will not have to answer to you for it....only Him. Suffering fools is a way to free yourself from distorted judgments that create bitterness and hatred. Carrying a broken heart, a wounded ego or a malicious spirit are toxic emotions that creates a cycle of dysfunctional behavior. Forgiveness is the only way out or the only way we won't let it affect us.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason - whether it's a friend who turned out not to be, a backstabbing co-worker, or an ex lover - everyone in your life in any capacity has value. These people just might be God in disguise, teaching you how to rely on your own wits and heart to transcend a petty person's behavior. The message He sends is to bless them and move on. Forgiveness isn't suffering any fools - it's not tolerating or excusing wrong doing. It's merely forgetting grievances and putting aside too high expectations of someone. It's setting free memories of cruelty and betrayal. Suffering fools means let loose, let go and let be. Forgiveness is a quiet secret, an inner teaching, the hidden answer, the lost knowledge, the still voice and the only wisdom we ever need to attain.

-b