Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Happy Hump Day!

So I was having this discussion last night and wanted to put it out to the blog family to get your thoughts. We've all known a woman (or a man) who decided to stay with their significant other after they've discovered an infidelity. Some rationalize it by convincing themselves it was a one-time thing, others simply stayed because they love him or her and don't want to let them go.

I'm not saying once a cheater, always a cheater - or that giving someone another chance is necessarily a bad thing. But does forgiving someone who lied and cheated on you make you a strong person? A Pushover? Naive? I don't think there's a right or wrong answer per se, but I'm curious as to what your opinions are on this subject.

I'll go first.

It would be VERY hard for me to take back someone who has cheated on me. Why? Because trust is paramount to me in a relationship. Without it, you have no foundation - love would just crumble, my heart would fall apart. I would wonder what that person was REALLY doing when they said they had to work late, or were out with friends. I'd be nervous every time we had an argument, because I'd wonder if they would "solve it" by seeking sex or solace in another woman's arms. I'd suffer from anxiety wondering why his female friends are calling. And I'd never get the thought of them having sex with someone else out of my head - and I'd get sick thinking that they did the same thing to "her" that he does to me.

I just couldn't take it. I can't be with someone I don't trust.

But does that make me weak? Does that make me non-Christian because I wouldn't be able to stay in a union where such a betrayal took place? Or does that make me human?

Some women, on the other hand, feel that love can conquer all - and that the man they love deserves a chance to make it up to them. So they forgive him. Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes not.

But what about women who forgive because they don't want to be alone? Or because they want to keep their family they stay for the kids? Are they strong for making that sacrifice? Or are they stupid for not being strong enough to leave?

I know some couples who have survived an infidelity, so it's not to say that forgiving someone you love for making a mistake is always a dumb thing to do. I don't think women who stay are strong, nor do I think women who leave are stronger than those who stay. It's an individual choice. So what say you? Would you be able to do it - or have you?

Let's hear it! Go!



Anonymous said...


Stef said...

You can't be first AND be anonymous! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Forgiveness is necessary so one can move on with life. The part I can't get over is "forgetting it happened." I have been cheated on and couldn't stay in the relationship because the trust was gone. I was a lot younger as well.

I do hear about couples that have made it, gone to counseling, etc but I can't do it.

Folks that "stay together" for the kids in my eyes are harming the kids in the end. As they get older they see the love between their parents isn't there, has been gone and then when they get older they may not know how to function in a relationship because of what they saw at home because their parents decided to "stay together for them."

Just my two cents! I can't believe I was first! Ha!!!!

SarKism said...

I think it is hard to say that really until you are in the situation and as my mom always NEVER really know what goes on inside a marriage.

Anonymous said...

@ Stef....

Not only was I first but I also commented!

And YES I can be anonymous!!!!

So there!!!! Ha!

Stef said...

I can't forgive cheating. Well, I can forgive it, but I won't be with the dude. I know they say never say never, but I'm saying never. Trust is everything to me too, and I can't see it.

I've seen women in my family stay for the kids, and I could see the hurt in their faces every day. And as a result, their daughters wind up being with men who don't respect them and cheat on them as well, all because they saw their mothers do it. I think mothers need to be an example to their daughters and teach them not to be doormats. All the women I know who stayed wound up being with men who cheated on them repeatedly because they knew the woman wasn't going anywhere and there were no consequences.

I'm not knocking women who stay, but it just wouldn't be me.

Courtney said...

I've stayed after discovering my man cheated on me, and it was a huge mistake. Like you said Brooke, I just couldn't shake it - the trust issues, the sneaking around wondering what he was doing, always nervous when he left the house or said he was out with his boys. It got to be too much for me to handle because I couldn't bring myself to admit that the trust was truly broken. I couldn't recover from it.

I'm sure other women can deal just fine, but staying with my ex only made me more insecure in our relationship, so I had to leave for my own sanity. Once I broke it off for good, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again.

Some women are built for it. I'm not one of them. For me, cheating is a big sign of disrespect, and I can't be with someone who disrespects me.

The Cable Guy said...

Good question.

I've been cheated on, and I thought I could forgive and forget, but I couldn't do it. I think for men, staying with a woman who cheated is more unforgivable than a woman staying with a man. I've cheated on an ex before and she forgave me right away. But for me, it was hard to do.

But that woman forgiving me didn't make me feel like I could do it again. If anything, I felt like since she gave me a second chance, I didn't want to let her down. We eventually broke up, for other reasons, but I won't say once a cheater always a cheater.

Stephanie said...

I've been on both side of that coin. I couldn't forgive my ex and in turn he couldn't forgive me. Trust is paramount and we did not have any children together.I feel like people who stay together for the kids do the kids a dis-service.Kids are much smarter than adults give them credit for.Kids know the parents are unhappy. for those who can do it and stay together, kudos. You can forgive, because forgiveness is for you to move on, But you never truly forget.

Brooke said...

Let me take it up an notch...

What if your man cheated and got someone pregnant....or your woman got knocked up by someone else?

What then?

Stef said...

shit Brooke, you just took it to a whole other level! HELLLL NOOOO!!!!

Cuz now that means you cheatin' on me without using a f*ckin' condom!

Now it's not even about the kid, it's about you risking my damn life! Nah son. Can't do it.

Brooke said...

Bringing a kid into this world thru an infidelity just adds insult to injury. I don't think I could ride with that one. Especially not if he's my husband. Once you take those vows, it's your job to protect me at all costs, so cheating on me hurts my heart, with no condom risks me life, and the child? That's a CONSTANT REMINDER of the infidelity.

Yeah, can't move past that one.

Mr. Nice Guy said...

I dated a woman who cheated on me and got pregnant by someone else. She tried to say it was mine, but we ALWAYS used condoms. Not to say that condoms are 100%, but in our case, there were no "oops" moments. We broke up, but I stayed in contact with her throughout her pregnancy to make sure she was okay in the OFF chance that it was mine. And just like I thought - the kid belonged to the dude she cheated on me with.

Dealbreaker. Not that I planned to get back with her anyway, but getting knocked up by some other dude just took it even further. No chance to repair that trust for me. I was done.

Serena W. said...

Wow I missed a lot!!! I can't stick around if you cheated on me. I will forgive you but I gotta keep it moving! I've been there and it was so hurtful! Especially when the other woman called me...what the heck! Then had the nerve to be proud that she was with my man at the time. I told her..."You can have him!"

If old boy stepped out on me and got someone pregnant...that's it! No words need to be said ever again. I'm with everyone else, you are now risking my life!

I had a friend that stayed in his marriage for the kids and there was cheating going on...he was miserable before the kids and moreso after. I pray for his daughters all the time because as a couple of you have said, kids are a lot smarter than what we think!

The Cable Guy said...

Damn, Brooke had to go there,

If a chick I'm with goes out gets pregnant by someone else, that's a dealbreaker for me too...mainly because you have to wait 9 nine months to see if the baby is yours!

If you're really my lady, and we've already abandoned condoms, then I'd have no reason to think it's not mine. So the only way I'd know it's not mine is if the kid comes out looking like NEITHER OF US - or anyone in our families - or if she tells me. And let's face it, how many women are gonna admit that they cheated and the child might not be yours?! NONE!!

So after you be with this chick for 9 months, then get attached to the kid, it's not until you both have a fight that she blurts out "and lil Mikey ain't even yours!" Then I might have to kill a bitch.

Stef said...

LMAO!@Cable Guy!

Right, it's easier for women to get away with than men. But it's ironic - the men I know who WANT to be the father usually NEVER are, and the ones who ARE the fathers are the deadbeats. Some men want to believe a kid is theirs so bad they'll ignore the fact that the kid looks NOTHING like them, and even CONVINCE themselves that the kid is theirs - saying shit like "he has my eyes" or "we walk the same" - knowing that shit ain't true! LOL!

Brooke said...


SO TRUE!!! Denial.

@Cable Guy is crazy :)

@Mr. Nice Guy - sorry you had to go through that, but nice of you to hang around to see if it was yours.

@Serena - you're right, no words need even be said.

Anonymous said...

I think women who stay are insecure, not strong at all. I think it takes more strength to leave, because just because the person cheated on you, the love you felt is most likely still there. It takes strength to choose yourself over someone else. Forgiveness is fine, but staying shows you have no problem being disrespected.

Jaz said...

I've forgiven someone before...and it worked out. When we finally broke up, it was because we were on different pages as far as our future was forgiving and staying isn't always bad.

Anonymous said...

I been cheated on.. and I will say it devastated me. And it still hurts to think about to this day. I walked but he begged and begged for another chance. And I half way complied with one foot out the door and made it clear there were consequences to it I ever found anythnig else again. Since that time he lets me know that he will spend eternity making it up to me. I resented him for a long time. But Iwanted to test myself to see if I could get thru it as well. I willsay it has made me soooo much stronger.. But I do know this for a FACT if a man ever cheats on ma again its OVER!!!! No if ands or butts. And honestly you never know what you will do til the time comes. But since I have been through it. I KNOW.. LOL... You never trust them 100% again.. EVER.. The thought will always be in the back of you mind. Now if a person continus to let a person cheat and cheat and cheat and keep takin them back , then they are being stupid.. I have a friend the married her now husband after he got another woman pregnant and she believe in there relationship so much to try and men the relationship and it worked out for the better. Im not built for that.. I wouldnt be able to cope..Id be hysterical and so hurt to the 1000th degree. But to each his own.. What ever deision is made its yours. Its what ever your willling to put up with.. Everyones tolerance level is different. Good day yall!! :)

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