Friday, October 21, 2011
TGIF!!
I have another guest blogger today! Let's see if we can help her with her dilemma - hopefully the men will chime in to give us some perspective. Let's go!
All I Really Want is to Be Happy...by Emotionally Done
The title of this post was inspired by a friend on Facebook that had it as her status. I immediately snagged it from her not knowing that we were in the same boat. Too many of my friends in 2011 are sharing a similar journey. Some even have kids with these guys. The boat we are in is love with no commitment.
All of us are in love with guys that won't commit. I tried to "control" my feelings last year. I was in denial because I just knew that I had my guard up! But by the holidays of 2010 I knew I was in love with him.
I confessed my love and he said he wasn't there yet - which is fine. The one thing I know is that people don't always feel the same way at the same time.
But what happens when almost a year has gone by and still nothing? The guys we love stated that they are attracted to us, deeply care for and even love us...but are not "in love." However, they all said that they want a woman that loves them and cares for them...but yet when God gave us to them, they don't know what to do!
Emotions are even more on a high when there are kids involved. We have a young daughter together and he said a child doesn't make a relationship. Well that's true, but I had these feelings before I even knew I was pregnant. So now what? Sometimes I wish that my feelings would just fade to the back!
I asked Brooke if I could write to the blog. I read her blogs but never really comment, but love the blog fam. I'm baffled and hurt. There have even been times when people called me his girlfriend and he doesn't correct them. Even some of his family thinks we're together...and yet he won't correct them either! WTH???
Remember that scene from Love Jones when Nia Long slept with a pillow in between her legs because he was in the next room...yeah that was me recently. Not cool!
What have I decided to do with my situation? Suppress my feelings. Why keep showing love when it's not being returned? I'm physically starved for affection but I'm tired of being a "play girlfriend."
I would love to hear what the blog has to say...especially the men. Is he scared? Does he just want his cake and eat it too? Maybe feelings from the past are haunting him? Let me hear your thoughts and if you have ever felt this way.
Signed,
Emotionally Done
55 comments:
First bitches! YES!
I hate to say this but you need to grow up and call him out. Otherwise, he'll keep doing his thing indefinitely and you'll stay in limbo until its too late ... when he eventually moves on.
I actually disagree. You don't need to do a damn thing... EXCEPT move on..
He knows how you feel, you've had his child, you've played the role. If he wanted to commit he would have done so already but he hasn't. Unfortunately women are nuturers by nature & fall easier & quicker. And this allows us to sometimes be taken advantage of & feel like we are being taken for granted. I know it's easier said then done but it's necessary. Remember you are setting an example for your daughter. Think about the love you want her to find one day. Do you want it to be forced & strained or free & flowing. He told you his answer when he said a child doesn't make a relationship. That right there to me says he doesn't want to be in one. SO figure how to coparent and cut the strings loose. Allow yourself time to heal & grow as a person. Be good to yourself & to your child. And then you'll be able to receive the love you want & deserve.
Best of luck to you & your lil one!
Wait...so are you together or not? I'm confused? Do you have a child with someone you're not in a relationship with at all? Are you engaged? How is he to correct someone when they call you his girlfriend?
This info will help my opinion of the situation.
So far, I'm thinking you need to move on. He's said it all if he said "a baby doesn't make a relationship" Which is very true. And there's something he doesn't like about the relationship (whatever it is) that the two of you have.
Is he a good father?
I want to know how long you two were dating before you got pregnant? If he told you he wasn't there yet before you got pregnant, then why allow youreself to get pregnant? I think sometimes women have babies with men in order to keep them, and then seem surprised when these men don't commit. A baby DOESN'T make a relationship, so if you're having sex wth no commitment and NO PROTECTION, then this is the bind you find yoruself in.
I know it's easier said than done, but keep your legs closed until you know you're both on the same page. And if you can't, then use a condom or get on the pill. I know I wish I had in the past...a good lesson to live by.
Hi everyone...this is Emotionally Done. I have called him out...some friends feel as if I was cold towards him. But I'm actually tired. But I still love him (sigh). To answer Fury...we're not together...I asked him up front in September when I got confused because people kept calling me his girlfriend and he wouldn't correct them. Even when we were in the hospital when I delivered he told the doctors and nurses I was his girl...but yet we aren't together.
Confusing...yes! Is he a great father...indeed. I'm learning to separate my emotions from being a co-parent. I want our daughter to have the best and I want to set the example.
Actually I didn't know I was pregnant when he told me he didn't want a relationship. It wasn't a trap and I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I'm very guarded but this time my guards dropped and I fell for him and then found out I was pregnant. We both don't regret it or our child.
Take what he said as exactly what it is, he's not confused, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It's over, move on. Be good co-parents and get over him.
I think alot of times women overstate their credentials when it comes to what "God gives to men." Yes, men want a woman who loves and cares for them, but that doesn't mean just ANY woman, or that he wants that love from YOU. That may sound harsh, but like Fury said, something is missing from the relationship, or there is something about you that doesn't mesh with HIM.
I agree with Stef, women should pretect themselves more when in relationships with men who don't show and prove. That's what the pill AND condoms are for. I know you don't regret your child, but you probably wouldn't be hurting as much as you are now if there was no child involved. Women are the ones who have to carry, birth and nurture the child for the most part, so protect yourselves.
Focus on your daughter and let him go. And don't be cold and punish him for not loving you the way you want to be loved. I've seen too many women take their frustration out on their child's father because the father didn't want to be with them...even though he wanted to be a good dad. If he's a great father like you say, let him be that and move on. Just because he doesn't correct everyone else doesn't mean he wasn't honest with YOU. He's not confused, he's clear. Let him go and live your life for you and your daughter and let him be a good dad.
Sounds like you already know what has to be done. It might be tough to do right now but the sooner you do it, the better off you and your child will be.
BTW, not only does Annamaria not pull any punches but she goes bare-knuckle! Haha ...
how long did you two date before you got pregnant?
@Emotionally Done - There is nothing here. You two are co-parents and that's all. You're confused, but he isn't. He puts on a front for other people so he and you aren't embarrassed about the situation. There is no relationship. He doesn't want you as his woman, wife or "girl" (I hate that term for anyone over 18).
There's nothing to call him out about. You're an adult. The two of you have a child. That's all there is. The focus is on being good parents to your daughter without any connections together.
It's raw, but it's real. Your feelings of love for him, don't mean anything to him. Emotions are emotions. There is no future outside of parenting.
Hey everyone Happy Friday!!!
I agree with Annamaria, Cable Guy and Stef... You all said exactly what I was thinking..
You have to listen to what that person is telling you, not just hear what you want to hear , its called selective hearing. This is something I had to learn the hard way myself in the past. and its a very good lesson, a hard one but good one. Read between lines and take it for waht it is. But in this case you dont have too. He has stated how he feels loud and clear. Stop sleeping with him and making your self available to him, this will soon deplete the emotionate attachement that you have so strong right now and get your emotions and mind back in line so you can focus on you and you daughter only. There is someone out there for you but he is not that one.
Liek the saying goes " they dont miss you and realize what they have til you are gone and the water well runs dry".....
Good Luck to you and your little one.
People treat you the way you let them treat you. In your innocence and love you have given him all of you and he's given you nothing emotionally.
I hate to say this but it sounds like he may be with you for convenience.I hope that's not the case because you share a child.Sometimes we don't know what we have until it is gone.
I think sometimes as women we love so deeply we refuse to hear the truth even when our partner is telling us to our face how they feel. We think if I just hang in there my love will change him, he will see what a good woman I am and change his mind.That NEVER WORKS.You need to ask yourself how much longer are you willing to let yourself be treated like this.He's been very honest about how he feels and what he wants.That being said it may be time for you to bow out gracefully and focus on you and your child.
Maybe if you moved on without him and find someone who is better suited he may wake up and realize what he had. Maybe not. Maybe he just doesn't have the heart to break things off because he loves you but is not IN LOVE with you and doesn't want to be the bad guy.Hopefully he will wake up before it's to late.If not at least you can say you made every effort to be together and be a family.You can both be good parents to your daughter and not be together.Good luck and much love.
That's why I'm on the pill. I'm not having anyone's baby until we get married. That way, I know we at least ATTEMPTED to commit. Marriage is no guarantee, but at least the commitment was at least THOUGHT to be there.
GET ON THE PILL LADIES!
And I agree with Fury as well... well said my friend..
Man you guys be droppin knowledge up in here!!! That whay I digg this room soo much... LOL
I agree wholeheartedly with Fury, on all counts. I think he didn't correct anyone else about your relationship status for YOUR sake, not his own. He sounds like he wants to be a good guy, while being honest yet not hurt you. Don't punish him for that, let him be a good day and move on.
@Stef...
Very true girfriend...in you last post... You speaking the truth there.
I don't think it matters how long they dated before she got pregnant, cuz whether it was one week or one year, women (and men) should protect themselves from pregnancy if there is no commitment implicitly stated. End of story.
Stephanie...thank you and all the ladies. As women (or most) we go in with our feelings. As for Fury I agree. I've actually corrected people and told them we aren't together. It hurt me to say it but its the truth.
Here's something else to throw out there. He invited us to his family reunion which is out of state next summer. Our daughter will be turning 2. I told him I would send our daughter with him because I would never ever come in between their relationship and I declined going.
He seemed baffled and asked why. I told him he could manage our daughter without me.
He then said, "No I really want you to go." I told him I can't go, but will send our daughter. He kept saying he really wants me there and would miss me.
Was I wrong to say no??? I don't think so. What if I had a man by then and plus I don't want to go as being "undefined" or the baby mama. He then looked hurt when I said that. Thoughts????
@Emotionally Done - You are perfectly right in sending your daughter and not going. Let him answer the questions from his family about the status of your relationship. You don't need to be there to put on a front for his family. I think that's what he wants, a front. It doesn't make any sense for you. You should focus on moving forward and finding your own companionship, if you want it.
@V.... WHAT??? lol...
In all seriousness I wasn't trying to be mean (like I usually am..LOL) I was trying to put myself in this person's position and thinking about what I would need my friends to say to me...
@ Emotionally done. By calling yourself emotionally done you took the first step to admitting what is going on. YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY DONE. And in my experience if you are emotionally done the rest follows eventually.
@Courtney... Marriage doesn't equal great father. Marriage means that person vowed to be with YOU and make that commitment to you. I've seen many good husbands be bad fathers. Parenting is a very hard job & not everyone is cut out for it. It's a selfless act. You give up everything you are for that child. And trust me a child can change the way you see EVERYTHING. Once you put a child into the equation you will look at the world, your parents, friends, work and ESPECIALLY your partner differently.
I wasn't married when I got pregnant. Wasn't even engaged. We didn't get married or engaged while I was pregnant. Matter of fact I refused to talk about it because I refused to do either BECAUSE of a baby. We made those commitments to each other when the time was right for us. There is no science to it. You just gotta do what's right at the time & hope for the best..
You know how the saying goes. We make plans & God laughs.. :-)
I agree with Fury. Don't go to that reunion. Send your child & go to the spa. :-)
He wants to put up a front. And that is not healthy or fair to you. He needs to have a little more respect for you. And if he insists tell him you will go...For$1000 a day... (JOKES...I'm Kidding..kinda)
Preach it A-Buzz Dizzle... LOL..
I don't believe I said anything about a man being a great father because he's a husband. I know I didn't. But today's blog isn't about if he's a good father or not, it's about love with no commitment and them having a child, so I addressed the commitment part and what I would do, not anyone else. Clearing that up.
Courtney didn't say being a husband meant being a good dad, she said she's not having a baby with anyone unless they express a deeper level of commitment to her. And I agree with that. That's what works for HER. I think that's smart.
As for the family reunion, maybe he wants to include you as his family, just not his lover. Why can't you two be friends and parents at this reunion and go for the sake of your daughter as a family? after all, you ARE part of his family, right? I don't see the big deal. If it's not til next year, you'll probably be over him by then and can go as his friend and your daugher's mother. Why do you have to be "defined"?
I think the term "baby mama" is what bothers you, in which case, again, you might have wanted to protect youself more. I know alot of women who hate being called that, but didn't wait to get the ring. You can't have it both ways.
I agree with Stef. You are focused on your relationship status instead of the real fact that you ARE his family. The only reason you don't want to go to the reunion is because you want to go as his woman, but since you aren't - you don't want to go. That's your right, but you ARE his family and you COULD go as a family for your daughter's sake. You are a family whether you like it or not, so come birthdays, holidays, graduations, you name it, you'll have to come together as a family, so get used to it. If you're too hurt to be there because you're not his woman then that's real. But what is also real is what V said - you have to be a grown up and do what's best for your daughter since this is the path you chose.
Truth Mr. Nice Guy...truth.
Never said anyone said anything about good father= good dad. I was commenting about the part about waiting to be married before having a child. YES I respect that's what you are doing & heck I wish a lot more people did that! LOL
The reason I addressed it is because:
1. There are a LOT of people out there that think Marriage & Family go hand in hand & they don't always.
2. What works for ONE person may not work for another.
Heck my parents have been together over 40 years. They NEVER got married.. They don't intend to. If my mother said she didn't want kids til she married him YOU ALL wouldn't have the pleasure of talking to me every day! IMAGINE HOW BORING LIFE WOULD BE??? LOL
I like the way Mr. Nice Guy put his point and yes she is his family BUT I don't think she's caught up in being his baby mama. She's never mentioned that. WHAT she has mentioned is that it bothers her that he allows other people to "think" that they are in this committed relationship and she has this title YET when they are alone & no one is around he corrects her. It's mean & disrespectful... And obviously she doesn't like it or she wouldn't be writing this blog. At this point it might be better for her to step back until she sets boundaries & they get adjusted. Don't rule it out BUT don't agree. Revisit the situation next year. See how u feel.
I understand what Stef and Mr Nice Guy are saying, however, she hasn't been treated as family. He's said that the baby doesn't make a relationship, so in fact, he doesn't see a relationship between them outside of the daughter they have.
@Emotionally Done - Speak to him about this. Ask him, if he wants to play a game of being together even though you aren't. Ask him if he considers you family. Ask him if he has any intention of being with you as more than the mother of his child. Talk to him.
I have a question???? AND YES V IT'S GOING TO BE BARE KNUCKLED..LMFAO
Does Emotionally Done Speak????
Cuz her baby daddy may not correct anyone when they call her his girlfriend but I sure as hell would. LMFAO.. (just me huh??? LOL)
She said, and I quote: "What if I had a man by then and plus I don't want to go as being "undefined" or the baby mama."
She DID mention it and guess what, she IS his baby's mother. It is what it is. Even if they were in a relationship, she'd be his baby's mama.
And if she's not correcting people, she can't be mad that he's not. She's wishing on a star. She's knows what the deal is, she's just not ready to accept it yet.
My bad. I didn't catch that.. LOL
And I agree. SHE should be correcting people.. I bet u once you correct 1 person that family reunion invite gets revoked QUICK. LOL
Hi everyone. I had to step away. Fury you brought up some great points for me to address to him. Let's see if I get a straight answer.
Agree with you Annamaria.
Just to clear things up. My feelings are too caught up and plus I don't want to go if all he wants to do is put up a front as if we're together and we aren't. I have corrected folks too but what is bad is that his grandparents even think we're together and have made comments about it.
I've been honest with my grandparents. Heck my whole family, but he's not being straight up with a lot of people.
Mr. Nice Guy and others that think I should go, I see your point. We are family. Our daughter bonds us but right now the feelings are too raw to go to the reunion. But I will send her. It's only fair and I want her to know that side of the family.
I really do appreciate most of the comments that are helpful. I did make plans and have some in the future for us (us is myself and my little one) but like Annamaria said. We make plans and God laughs. All I can do is see what God has in store.
@Emotionally Done.... Best of luck in the future & at the end of the day may all three of you find peace & happiness in whatever manner you choose to find it.
I know alot of our responses seem cruel, but sometimes tough love is what people need. Especially when they already know what the right thing to do is, they just need to hear it from other people.
When love isn't reciprocated, it can hurt, but we have to recognize it and move on. We've all been there, so best of luck to you.
@Stef-Congrats on finally being first....
I agree. I'd expect you people to tase me if I ever needed it. LOL
Thank you Stef and Annamaria. A couple of comments were cruel...judgemental even. But I take everything in stride. Tough love is needed in this situation.
Curious, what comments did you think were cruel? I thought people were honest and straight to the point, but not cruel. Sometimes I think people are more sensitive when it comes to their circumstances and people tell them what they don't want to hear, but I don't think anyone disrespected you.
There were a couple. One was keeping my legs closed. The deed is done and neither one of us regret our daughter. If we are talking about now then yeah, they are closed. I need to heal and sex doesn't heal. If anything the wounds would grow deeper...
As I stated I appreciate the blog and most comments. I wanted to put it out there to help me.
Well I dont know about anyone else but I sure learned alot of helpful things today in the blog... Very helpful learning tools.. Its all apart of life and growing.. :)
@Anonymous,
Since I made that comment, let me say it wasn't meant to be cruel, wasn't aimed at you directly, but was a general statement, and I included myself in that scenario saying I wish I had followed my own advice in the past. I guess it would have sounded "less cruel" if I had said "women should refrain from having sex with men until they both have stated their level of commitment and its clear."
I also said if you can't, because let's face it, how many of us actually abstain, use protection. I know the child is here, but this message is mainly for those looking to avoid being in your situation.
I'm happy @Emotionally Don was helped through our conversation. I definitely didn't intend to be cruel. However, I have learned from experience and observation that not being direct in emotional matters can lead to an ambiguity that serves no one.
I know women as well as men who'd rather someone "get the hint" than just come out and say "I'm not feeling you." No one is helped with this kind of namby pamby nonsense.
Ummmmmm I missed a lot! Had to go out with my lil man!
Brooke I love the video! No one commented on that lol. MJB is the business!
In all seriousness...I'm going to pray for you "Emotionally Done" be true to yourself. If anything you want to show your daughter a healthy relationship. If ole boy comes around it sounds like you both would need a lot of prayer and maybe even a third party to talk too because the emotions are all over the place.
God has something and someone for you. Keep your head up and do what YOU gotta do to show your daughter the strong mother that you are. You sound very hurt and that's understood.
I only wish my father was even around growing up! If he's a great father, that's a blessing in itself.
Should you move on? That's up to you but I think the graffiti writing is on the wall.
Agree with Fury! Talk...to...him...and if you're still feeling confused just pray on it and keep it moving! Life is too dag on short.
Good luck to you and God Speed!
I agree. I don't think anyone meant anything in a cruel or disrespectful manner.. (for once..LOL) I think we were all just being very straight to the point and not sugar coating anything. And like Mr. Nice Guy said.. It may have sounded slightly harsher because it's not what we want to hear at the time. Your daughter is a beautiful blessing and one that I am sure you will enjoy every day..... But the fact of the matter is we wouldn't be having this discussion had things been done differently. And if there was no baby you'd be able to tell the dude kick rocks, tase him in the asshole & move on.
The fact of the matter is it's not soo simple now because there IS a baby..
@ Annamaria
MY LORD girl!! Not that you said TASE HIM IN THE AZZHOLE!!!!!
LMAO!!! LMAO!!!!...LMAO..
My eyes got SO BIGG when I read that, I spit out my drink...LOL I so had a visual!! lol
You are a true tripp!!
Have you ever tased Austin???? LOL!
WHAT???? I would tase him in the asshole if I was her & didn't have his baby.. Unfortunately she has to play nice!!! :-)
Aren't u all glad tasers are illegal in NY??? lol
If I'm not tasing Austin, I'm probably ABOUT to tase Austin.. LOL
I downloaded a taser app on my phone if that tells u anything. LOL
And truth be told Sophia loves that app. lol
Your boy who newly relocated to the ATL emailed me a pic of a taser - I think it has your name on it!
I can't believe we're 50 comments in and this is the first we've heard from Brooke. No comment on the sitaution?? LOL! :)
He sent me that pic too. We asked him if that was his new girlfriend...LOL
I would relocate my entire family to ATL just to get one. LOL
The author of the blog already knows how I feel about the situation, I offered my 2 cents on the low ;-)
I agree with most on the blog that she should move on and live her life for herself and her daughter. No sense in "woulda, coulda, shoulda" - just do better, be honest about what is really happening, be true and KIND to yourself, don't be bitter or cold, but learn the lessons, give yourself time to grieve, forgive past hurts, put God first and all will work out in due time.
Brooke I want to thank you for allowing me to get this posted and for your two cents. Much appreciated! You have such a great spirit. I'll follow up with the blog in the coming months. Let the healing begin...
You'll be just fine :-)
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