Monday, May 17, 2010

Happy Monday!

Ladies and Gents - tell me what you think of this story:

HACKETTSTOWN -- A New Jersey college valedictorian had a special graduation gift for her boyfriend - a wedding proposal, which he accepted.

Moments after finishing her speech Saturday at the Centenary College commencement, Emily Hawley called fellow graduate Josh Walker to the stage. She then popped the question, drawing loud roars from fellow graduates.

Hawley didn't have a ring to give Walker and didn't get down on one knee. She tells the Daily Record newspaper of Parsippany her proposal was "nontraditional enough." Walker admits being caught off guard but says he didn't mind.

Hawley and Walker are Maine residents who've dated since they were sophomores in high school seven years ago. They haven't set a wedding date.

I saw the video of this story on my local ABC affiliate station here in NYC. I thought it was cute, but wondered why it was so news worthy. Was it because a woman was proposing to a man? Or was it because she was proposing to him in such a public way?

Let's face it - most women want their man to propose to them - not because society says so or because that's the traditional way it's done - even that's true for the most part. But MOST women want their man to propose to them because that lets them know that he's ready. In the case of the cap and gown proposal, they dated for 7 years, so perhaps she was sure he'd say yes. But that could have easily gone wrong...and a rejection at a graduation would have left her stinging for a LONG time.

As liberal and independent as women are these days, most women would never propose for fear of rejection - so that was a big chance she took asking him in front of all those people. But do you think public proposals like that ensure a "yes" response? Even if he wasn't ready and wanted to turn down her proposal, do you think he would have embarrassed her in front of her classmates by saying "no?" We can only wonder.

But men, just like women, fear rejection too - though most men get enough clues from their sweetheart regarding marriage that he's pretty sure she'd say yes. After all, all women are ready for marriage, right? That's the belief at least. Most men believe that women come out of the womb wearing a white dress and a veil with a bouquet in her hands. But that's not all. For the most part, most men (and women) feel that women are just naturally ready to settle down at any given moment, and will gladly say yes when their boo kneels down on one knee.

This may make it a bit easier for a man to propose, but what if he wants to get married and is afraid to ask? In that case, should the woman step up and do the asking? If he's afraid to ask, does that automatically mean that he's unsure or not ready...or does he just need a little push? I would assume that marriage would have been discussed long before a woman proposes - so chances are, she's pretty sure he'd say yes if she DID ask him. Most women wouldn't ask on a humbug...unless she's just really that bold.

There are some men out there who would love to get a proposal from their long time love. Others though, might feel like she's a bit too forward, or too "non-traditional" for his taste. After all, the man may feel like it's his "job" to do the asking...and if she takes that away from him, he might be embarrassed or offended that she took that "right" away from him. He may feel pressured, or he may be upset that she beat him to the punch because he had his ideal proposal all planned out. There are several reactions he could have to being proposed to, and I think a lot of women are afraid, not only of rejection, but of offending her boyfriend by taking over his "manly" duty of asking the woman to marry him.

So here are my questions for you all:

Women: If you felt your man would say yes, would you propose to him? If he said no, would that be the end of the relationship, or would you simply take it as he's just not ready and wait for him to propose to you?

Men: Do you believe women should propose to men - or should they be more "traditional?" If your lady proposed to you, would you be offended or embarrassed? Should she have a ring? If you say "no," is the relationship over - or would you assure her that you love her, but you're just not ready?

And are public proposals dangerous...or unfair?

Let's hear it!



Annamaria said...

First bitches!

Annamaria said...

Public proposals are DANGEROUS!!!! LMAO. That's why I was shocked that I got one & it turned out soo well! LOL
BUT he took a chance. Contrary to the "belief" not all women come out the womb envisioning their wedding date & have everything all planned out. Trust me I know I am the anti bride.. LMAO. Re-read I said anti bride NOT anti marriage...But that's a whole different blog topic.

I think that when it's right you both know & I see nothing wrong with either person proposing. I proposed first in a non traditional funny way because I knew that my partner was more traditional & would want to propose eventually. My proposal just let him know that I'd say yes if he asked...LOL

Rameer The Circumstance said...

The excuse that some women use about being scared of rejection is hogwash to me. The majority of men have to go through the SAME FEAR - and I actually know a handful of dudes who have BEEN rejected. Broke them mentally for a long time.

I see no problem with a woman asking a man for his hand in marriage; I think there are a bunch of hypocritical women in this country who talk all that rah-rah self-sufficient crap, but still want men to do certain things when it suits their desires. To me, it doesn't matter WHO asks. I'd have no problem having a woman propose to me - truth be told, one has in the past.

I admire A-Buzz for having asked Powerz first. But then again - both AnnaMaria and Powerz come across as pretty awesome individuals, so I'm not surprised.

Annamaria said...

Awww thanks Rameer... Funny that you mention the rejection part. We know someone who proposed to his live in girlfriend right after we got engaged & she said no..AND it was a very public proposal... NO BUENO...

Brooke said...

oh wow, that must have stung :(

Jay said...

I wouldn't have a problem with a woman proposing to me, but I have to admit that I DO want to be the one who asks. Not because I'm the man and that's how it should be, but for the reason Brooke stated in her blog - I know I'd be ready.

Men are usually the hold-outs. Not ALL men, but most don't look forward to settling down. Not that they "give in" all the time, but men tend to take longer getting to that point where they can envision being with just that ONE woman for the rest of their lives. While I want to get married one day, I know it's not a decision I'll make lightly, so I want to make sure I'm totally ready before I make that move - so if I ask, I know I'll mean it.

I'm sure men have the same fear of rejection, but I'm pretty sure the majority of men out there don't ask unless they're SURE the woman will say yes. But in the cases that Rameer and Annamaria mentioned, it CAN happen the other way around, and I'm sure that could mess you up for a while.

But to answer one of your other questions, just because someone says no doesn't mean they don't want to marry you eventually, so I don't think a rejection to the proposal should be the end of the relationship necessarily. Hopefully though, marriage has been discussed in detail before you pop the question. That way, taking a chance on a public proposal isn't as risky, because you already have an idea of if the person would want to be with you forever or not. Just my opinion.

Ms. Penn said...

I was actually proposed to once, in public in front of our friends and family, and it was totally premature. I felt pressured to say yes, so I did, so I wouldn't embarrass him. We had a very long engagement before I broke it off. I needed more time to learn more about him, and as the engagement went on and I got to know him better, I realized we weren't a match. It was sad to have to inform our families of our decision, but I should never have said yes in the first place. I just didn't want to humiliate him, and felt that maybe I'd grow to love him.

But I feel he should have known better than to ask me because we had NEVER discussed marriage before. We had only been dating for a short time, and I guess he felt HE was ready while never asking me if I was or if I even loved him enough to marry him.

That being said, I see nothing wrong with a woman proposing to a man, so long as she's not doing it to pressure him simply because HE never asked. I know some women who have had discussions with their man about marriage, he tell her he's not ready yet, and they proposed anyway - trying to put them on the spot. It should come from a sincere place, and you have ot know that he's ready...just like a man should know if a woman's ready.

Annamaria said...

I've heard of a few engagements that people said yes only because they were asked in front of a large group of people. Needless to say NONE of those relationships lasted. BUT I think those men knew they would hear no if they didn't do it in that way.
Powerz took a few trial runs before proposing.. we had discussed marriage & our future & he asked me a few times while we were alone what I would say if he proposed soo he knew that he didn't need to put the pressure on for me to say yes.

Monica said...

I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman proposing to a man. However,I will probably not be the one to propose in the relationship. I have a hard enough time working up the courage to even approach a dude! lol

Brooke said...

RE: Monica - she's not lying about that folks :) But we're working on it :)

@Ms. Penn, that must've been tough. I've had a man ask me before what I would say if he proposed, and I said I'd say no. I found out years later he had a ring in his pocket ready to ask me that night. Good thing he didn't, and we both dodged a bullet!

In some cultures (and some would argue in the Bible), the commitment is made first, you get engaged, and THEN you use the engagement as the time you court/date each other and get to know each other. Go figure :)

But like you said, the proposal shouldn't be about pressure or persuasion. It should be genuine and feel matter who asks.

Yolanda said...

That college couple is probably doomed...sad to say. They need to see the world, explore and then get married. I hope they don't rush into anything. I don't know anyone who got married straight out of school who's still together today.

On to the real issue though... I'm old fashioned at heart. He needs to propose to me. Now, I'm sure I'd bring up the issue of marriage during the relationship because you need to know that you're on the same page, so he'd already know that I "would" say yes and vice versa... but he needs to ask for my hand. I don't knock other women for making the move, if that's what you want to do, that's great. But for me, he needs to talk to my father, get a ring and get on a knee... all that traditional stuff.

Jay said...

@Ms. Penn,

That must've been tough! I don't think I'd ever propose to my woman in front of a bunch of people, even if I DID feel like she'd say yes. I want that moment to be special just between the two of us. We can share and show our love in front of everyone at the wedding :)

And to answer your other question Brooke, I don't expect her to have a ring. I have no problem providing that :)

Stef said...

I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman proposing, but like Monica, I don't see myself doing it. I'm a chicken, and like B said, if HE proposes, I'll know he's READY to get married.

That being said, I think if a woman proposes, she should have a ring. Fair is fair right?? LOL!

If someone says "no", I don't think the relationship is doomed, but I would wonder the reason why. If they say no simply because they're not ready, then the relationship can continue. But if the person says no because they don't love you or because they can't seem themselves married to you or anyone else, then you have to break ties. No need wasting each other's time.

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