Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Happy Hump Day!

I'm sorry my posts have been getting later and later. My laptop at home has officially died on me, so I have to attempt to write my blogs from work. Being that they're treating me like my name is Kizzy, I barely have time to breathe, let alone think of something to blog about...and then actually write it. Once I get a new laptop, I'll be back in business!

So, yesterday, Monica and I were discussing women we know who wonder why men don't approach them. I mentioned a friend of mine who was always asking why men seem to gravitate towards me while they ignore her. She's smart, beautiful, and has a great what could it be? I would say to her, "Maybe it's because you're always 'mean muggin' people. Smile!"

"Nah, that's not it," she'd say...snarling.

Oh well...I tried.

You'd be surprised how far a smile can go. Since I seem to be smiling all the time, perhaps that makes me a bit more approachable. I am by no means the most beautiful woman in the world, and I don't automatically assume all men will just come over and speak to me. I think sometimes the aura we give off has more to do with our inner spirit and happiness rather than our physical appearance - so women who depend solely on their looks are left baffled as to why men don't come sweep them off their feet.

But the reasons a man may not approach a woman are many more than a woman always giving the gas face. Here are some reasons I believe a woman may be unapproachable:

1. Looking Mean/Angry/Snobby - I touched on this already, but you'd be surprised how ugly a dime piece can look if she appears to be angry, have an attitude or is just plain arrogant. If you give off the appearance that you're too good to speak to anyone or that you'd be annoyed of a man stepped to you, then chances are you're driving him in the other direction. No one wants to speak to a person like that - man or woman. Having a smile on your face or at least appearing to be pleasant makes someone want to get to know you.

2. You look busy. If you're sitting on the train reading a book or doing work in the corner at Barnes & Noble or Starbucks with your face glued to your laptop, chances are he doesn't want to disturb you. However, if you're just chillin' at the bar or in a club without a care in the world, then he might find it easier to come over and talk to you.

3. He's intimidated. Not because he thinks you're too hot for him and out of his league - although a lot of men don't approach a woman for that reason as well. But sometimes he won't come up to you because you're with a group of women. A man told me once that it's easier to approach a woman when she's by herself or with one other woman than if she's with all 10 of her friends rolling deep in the spot. Now I'm not suggesting that a woman always venture out alone or with just one girlfriend, but if you go to the ladies ALL of you have to go? If one of you goes to get a drink at the bar, do ALL 8 of you have to go too? Women who always travel in huge packs make it hard for a man to step to them because he doesn't want to be sized up by all of your friends. Step away for a sec and make yourself a little more available. If you can't seem to part from your friends, then that signals a bit of insecurity if you ask me. Step out of your comfort zone...your girls ain't going nowhere!

4. You're always with a dude. Sure, we love hangin' with our dirty, gay boyfriend...but if he's not flamboyant and flaming, then a man might not know if he's your man, if he's trying to be your man, is your brother, or your husband. Some women like going out with men more so than women, which is fine. Just make sure that that man isn't giving other men the impression that he's YOUR man. If you look taken, a guy won't step to you unless he's just bold...or a jerk.

5. You're drunk/sloppy/All over everyone. Some women go out and have TOO much fun. If you're drunk and dancing on tables, some men may consider that a turnoff. If you're up in every dude's face hanging all over them, then you look desperate, not "fun." And if you're dressed like a hooker, or your bra straps are showing along with too tight or inappropriate clothes hiked up your vajajay, then you just look sloppy...and in his eyes, just overall unattractive. Dressing like you have a pimp, and acting like less than a lady can make a man run faster than the po'po.

Feel free to add your own reasons why a woman may seem unapproachable to a man. And I'm sure these same reasons can apply to why a woman wouldn't step to a man. Let's hear it!




Annamaria said...


Annamaria said...


Please tell your job that we depend on you so that the first hour or so of your day will go to your blog! PROBLEM SOLVED! lol

Anywho...I think your friend should walk around with a taser. It will match her mug nicely PLUS when she sees a guy she wants to talk to she can tase him, He won't be able to move & then she can say whatever she wants or needs to say.

-V- said...

Hey Sweetie,

I'm in town starting Tuesday ... see you soon.

ArrElle said...

Also don't forget that being loud and cussing is a huge turnoff. Acting like a lady will help.

Okay I gotta work on "Mean Muggin"..LOL

Rameer The Circumstance said...

CO-SIGN the mean-mugging thing. It never bothered me - but I know PLENTY of guys who won't approach a woman cuz she isn't sending the vibe that she's approachable. And, truth be told, this "mean-mugging" problem effects Black & Latina women moreso than white women - even though they mean-mug too. But in my experience, I know plenty of dudes who IMMEDIATELY write off approaching a woman wearing the madface. In fact, the way I got to be "The Diffuser" - the guy sent in to lower the defenses - was cuz one of my boys wanted to approach these type of women without the worry of too much attitude or getting shot down back in the day. Wa-la! Send in RAMEER - we KNOW he don't give a fudge...lmao!

The other reasons are dead on-point too. But here's another one - some dudes watch you and see what type of dudes you gravitate towards. I you're out, and you're giving attention and time to the dude who looks like Gucci Mane - fronts, stunner shades, Louis rag, etc. - and the guy watching you is a smart, conservative-dressing urban professional, he may not even bother. What would you want with him if you're laughing it up and flirting with Plies at the bar?

When I was young, ANY woman who looked at me and smiled who I found attractive, I'd immediately go over and strike up a convo. I'd also go talk to the madface women - cuz I liked the challenge and KNEW I could get them to open up. But that smile DOES make a huge difference.

Good blog, Brooke-Ra!! As always...

Brooke said...

Thanks Rameer :-)

And you're right - men DO look at the type of dudes you're attracted to, or at least giving rhythm to. Women do the same thing. If we notice a man is looking at the skanks who have all their business hanging out, we assume he wouldn't be attracted to us since we're covering up...or that he's only after one thing.

Vince, see you soon sweetie - can't wait!

ArrElle - you walk around "mean muggin'"? LOL!

Annamaria - I TOLD them I can't be disturbed, but then they mentioned something about a paycheck and I straightened right up :)

Jay said...

Hey everyone!

Brooke, I agree with this list completely. Women who walk around frowning and looking stuck up gets no play from me. Lighten up, whatever it is, it's not that serious - and if it is, why are you out? Some women need to stop walking around like they're too cute to be nice and smile. That's not sexy. Men don't always find that challenging, they find it ugly.

Truth be told (and I know some women will take offense to this, but I don't care), I KNEW Brooke wasn't from the NYC when I met her cuz she doesn't have that "NY attitude" that most NY women have. She is ALWAYS smiling, says hello to strangers who catch her glance, and generally has a pleasant look on her face. Not a "don't talk to me" look, or a "I'm too good for you" look. I know that some women in NY feel they need to exude strength and be tough for the NY men out there...cuz I know dating here can be brutal...but seriously, women from other cities always catch my eye because they don't walk around just mean and mad for no reason.

Just my don't bite my head off.

Oh, and I have one to add to the list. This may sound silly, but some women wear so much jewelry, particularly rings...on BOTH hands, including their ring fingers, that it makes it hard for us men to tell if you're married or not. I know some men couldn't care less if you're married, but I DO...and if you have on a ring that could be mistaken for a wedding or an engagement ring - I'm not steppin to you.

Stef said...

Oh here you go Jay!

I'm born and raised in NY and I don't think I walk around giving people the gas face, but I can see what you mean. I've heard men say that NY women are beautiful, but tough...and "hard." Maybe that's true, maybe not...but that's not ME!

Brooke, you should write a blog on what makes a man unapproachable!

I agree with ArrElle about women who are loud and cuss and act a fool out in public. They do it to get attention, not realizing that they're attracting the wrong KIND of attention. Drunk girls get the same negative attention as well, and if I guy steps to you while you're drunk and falling over, he's trying to take you home.

Great list Brooke! Can't wait to read the one you do for MEN! LOL!

The Fury said...

Brooke I definitely agree with your list.

Also add if a woman is always saying "I don't need a man" a man isn't trying to deal with that. Fine be by yourself. You don't need one, but you're acting like you don't want one either.

Mean mugging is a big part of it. You don't have to smile, but walking around pissy does not help at all.

The Cable Guy said...

I have to say, I agree with Jay. I knew immediately that Brooke wasn't from NY when I met her, cuz she was just so...NICE. It was 8:30 in the morning and I had woken her up for her appt. and she was still nice and pleasant. She sat and watched me work, talked to me, made me feel comfortable, offered me something to drink, was just an overall nice person.

Most women think if they're fine, that's all they need in order for a man to come up to them. They don't factor in that they need a PERSONALITY too...and GOOD one. If you're pretty AND you have a nice disposition about you, a great personality and SMILE, then a man will feel like he HAS to get to know you. He'll feel like he hit the jackpot. But fine women who are mean for no reason are a waste of space.

And Brooke, you are one of the most beautiful women in the world! Don't see yourself short! LOL!

Lastly, whoever told you that it's easier to approach a woman who is by herself or with just one or two friends is RIGHT. I don't understand the whole "let's go to the bathroom together" thing. I can see 2 of you going together, but 6 of ya'll?? If you can't break away from your friend even for a second, I assume it's a girls night out and ya'll don't wanna be bothered.

Mr. Nice Guy said...

Great list Brooke!

Oh, and another one - if we can't SEE you! Some women will find her a quiet little spot in the corner at a party or a bar or club or whatever and NEVER MOVE. They're hidden in the cut where a man can't see her, or where we can't GET to her. If you're standing behind a column or beam or there are mad tables in front of you to the point where I have to bob and weave to get over to you, then I probably won't bother. Get from out behind the shadows and make yourself seen!

Rameer The Circumstance said...

@ Stef - wouldn't it be hard for ANYONE to write a "what makes a man unapproachable" list? I mean, be honest - most women KNOW they can approach any man and start up a convo. The problem isn't approaching one or even getting his number - the problem is finding a GOOD ONE who isn't trifling or just after the panties...

Annamaria said...

Stef...Your ass is intimidating & harsh on the blog I can imagine how are you in person!!!!!! LMAO... You scare me & I'm a chick with a taser! LMAO
I can imagine a dude trying to get at you.

Brooke tell them mofo's not to make me go down there

Stef said...

oh wow, I'm intimidating and harsh on the blog??? Really??? I thought I came across as playful! :(

Rameer, there ARE some men who are unapproachable too. I've actually gone up to a few men before with a great big ole smile and got shot down with the mean mug. Men do it too!

Jay said...


I think most men would LOVE it if more women stepped to them. It takes the pressure off, and we like to feel flattered and wanted too :-) All you have to do is come up to me, smile and say hello... I'll do the rest.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

@ Stef - no, I know men can shoot women down. What I mean is, there are very few (if any( men that women would view as unapproachable. Men see "unapproachable" women everywhere we go. But socially, y'all can go up to any man and start a convo - no man is looking like "I don't want ANY woman to talk to me".

Well, at least not the HETEROSEXUAL ones.

But there are women like that at the GROCERY STORE. Everywhere. That's what I meant - not saying there aren't men who will shoot women down.

Hell, I'VE shot women down...but I wasn't unapproachable.

Brooke said...

I think Stef has a point. There are men out there who have a look about them that isn't welcoming. Some of them have a sort of arrogance about them - especially if they're in the gym. There are men who don't smile, don't speak to those around them, and who just generally seem uninterested. Men can be just as standoff'ish as women can be.

There's a guy in the gym that Monica and I go to who NEVER smiles. I mean, NEVER. He's very good looking, has a great body, but just looks he's just there to work out, be seen and that's it. Even when you speak to him, he barely nods his head, never makes eye contact (which is another way a man can be unapproachable) and won't utter a word. He works out with a bunch of loud, peacock, chest beating men, but he stands out as the unapproachable one. But he's the one who wonders why chicks ain't checkin for him...well, according to his friend anyway.

Not all men are approachable. And if he has a wedding ring on, then he's DEFINITELY not approachable!


Rameer The Circumstance said...

Okay - after you break it down like THAT, I see you and Stef's point!

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke, you don't need to be looking at dudes in the gym ANYWAY! LOL!

Brooke said...

I agree with you Rameer, most men have no problem with a woman stepping to them, and will engage or say hi, even if he's not interested. But there are those who give off the impression that they want you to chase them, simply because they look a certain way. Smug personalities are a turnoff, and I think men and women get it confused when they're trying to "play hard to get." It makes someone not want to "get" you :-) LOL!

@Cable Guy - I'm not looking at the guys in the gym :-) It's just that when you go everyday and see the same people over and over again, you notice who's who and what's what. I'm very focused when I go, and checkin for dudes is not in my Deebo program :-) I go, get it in, and then bounce! We say hi, we speak when spoken to, smile and all that...but that's it! Deebo wouldn't let us check for dudes even if we wanted to! LOL!

Jay said...

I think the men you and Stef speak of are bitchasses. That is all :)

But seriously, I get that. Some dudes don't know how to make it easy for a woman to come at them, either because they're shy or unsure of themselves...which is a turnoff to most women. And mean dudes who look like Deebo definitely would get no play. And I'm sure women who think a man is out of their league don't approach him for the same reasons men don't approach a hot chick. I get it.

Jaz said...

Men who are loud, curse all the time, and who use the N word are unapproachable to me.

Brooke said...


I think there's a fine line between "unapproachable" and just plain "unattractive." You don't want to approach a dude like that, no matter what he looks like :)

But I guess the same goes for the drunk girl :)

I'd have to put some real thought into what would make a man unapproachable. I don't think there are too many differences.

Brooke said...


I think there's a fine line between "unapproachable" and just plain "unattractive." You don't want to approach a dude like that, no matter what he looks like :)

But I guess the same goes for the drunk girl :)

I'd have to put some real thought into what would make a man unapproachable. I don't think there are too many differences.

ArrElle said...


I always have a serious look on my face and don't realize, I've had men come to me and ask me "why do I look so mean" That's not my intention to look mean but I guess I'm always thinking and being in my own world and just don't realize that I'm Mean Muggin, which is something I do work at.

I guess I should join the "I don't want to Mean Muggin" club and see what happens..LOL

@Jaz I agree it's a turn off when men curse and use the "N" word as if there are no ladies around to show us some respect.. Huge turn off

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