Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Remember a while back, I got a “Dear Brookey” email from a woman who received a recycled engagement ring from her boo? We all agreed that he should have exchanged the ring, changed the setting, or done SOMETHING to make it unique and special for his new bride to be. Right? Right.

But here’s a question for you all. Do we place too much importance on the ring instead of what the ring means?

Recently I was talking to a coworker who said one of her friends was newly engaged. She got engaged while on vacation in Jamaica and sent everyone a message saying that he popped the question…finally! She had been in a relationship with this man for at least 10 years, and all she wants is to be married. They could go to City Hall for all she cares, she just wants HIM.

But her friends, while celebrating the fact that she was finally getting her happily- ever-after, seemed to really care about what the RING looked like. One friend asked her to send a cell pic of it so they could see how much the ring set him back…or not. Another friend said it was in bad taste to ask to see the ring because, “What if it’s small?”

Well…what if it is? So what? If the woman getting engaged is happy and in love, why does it matter how big the ring is? Some people get engaged with no ring at all. However, some women would never go for that…and if the ring is small, they might be disappointed, or even angry!

Personally, I’ve never been a “jewelry” person. I have my pieces that I wear often, but I don’t drench myself in diamonds and pearls just because. Some days, like today, I run out of the house without earrings on, and most times I use my cell phone to tell me what time it is instead of wearing one of the many watches I have. It’s just not on my mind.

But admittedly, an engagement/wedding ring is something that a woman will be (hopefully) wearing forever, so it makes sense that she’d want to wear something that she likes. But is the ring an accessory, or a reflection of his commitment and love to you?

One of her friends said that she feels the ring is an indication of how much he loves her, so if he REALLY loves her, he’ll get her a big ring. Another one said she’d rather have a nice, big ring than a nice, big house. You can’t LIVE in a ring, but a house you can :-)

I’m sure Kobe’s and Tiger’s wives have big rings on their fingers. Was that big rock an indication of their love and fidelity to their wives? Clearly not. Big rings don’t equal commitment. It means the man had the money…or stretched his means…in order to make her happy, or show that he can get her a big ring for others to see. The ring doesn’t make the commitment, the person does.

If the ring means that much to a woman, I’d suggest going with the guy to pick it out – but that’s only if marriage is something you’ve discussed and he doesn’t plan on surprising you with the ring. A lot of men take pride in going to pick out the ring on their own, and they want it to be a special surprise for her. But if he’s nervous you won’t like it because you’ve already “hinted” that you don’t want a “bullsh*t” ring – then I think that takes away from the sincerity of the moment. He may even resent you for making him feel like the ring is more important than him and the marriage. Buying and presenting a woman with a ring is probably nerve racking enough as it is, so worrying about if she’ll think the ring is good enough is an added pressure…and that’s no fun.

I understand that most women want a ring they’ll love and want to wear day in and day out. I get that. But if you truly love your man and want to be married to him because you share a bond, then should the ring matter THAT much? Some women would wear a ring out of a Cracker Jack box if it meant landing the man of their dreams. Others…not so much…in which case I wonder what they care more about – the man, the marriage, or the ring? Marriage is about love and commitment, and compromise. If you’d rather be blinged out than have a man who loves you enough to propose in the first place, or live in an apartment rather than a house just so you can show off a big ring, then the marriage is doomed from the beginning. Putting a ring on it should be about love and commitment, not what your friends, or anyone else, thinks.

Feel differently? Get at me!



Yolanda said...


Yolanda said...

I'm a jewelry person and I definitely want a ring someday. BUT, I want the love, commitment and partnership above all else FIRST. Hell, I just want some flowers occasionally. DAMN. I'm not going to put too much emphasis on the ring because we do have to live as a couple AFTER the engagement and the wedding day... and if that ring sets homeboy back that much, I'ma question his financial awareness.

However, of my last 2 friends to get engaged...they did send pics of the rings. It's just something we like to "oooh la la" over but I'm not analyzing it for how much dude spent.

That being said... emerald or Asscher cut please! Or vintage art deco. Yes, I have thought about it!

Anonymous said...

Yolonda is Quick Draw McGraw! Geez she must have an automated response button for Brooke's blog post!

Stef said...

She must, because I was planning on being first today dammit!

Powerz said...

I'll chime in on this one since its still pretty fresh in my head! lol Picking a ring is nerve racking because its for her (and sometimes her friend), not for him. We were in a Jewelry store getting Sophia's ears pierced adn we just started browsing but I was taking mental notes. When I proposed, strangers were walking up to her asking to see the ring.

Some thought should be put into it but never break the bank. Its a symbol of eternal love. Not how much dough can he kick out.

My first time around I took out a 6 month payment plan just to get it and we see how that turned out. This time I'm a bit better off and the rings are already paid off but I got what I believed represented her and us. And she loved it. I even offered to get her a bigger diamond and A-Buzz said no, it's perfect!

There is a future after the ring and breaking the bank would be idiotic.

Stef said...

I have to admit, I want a nice ring. BUT I don't want to live in an apartment if the money spent on the ring could go to a down payment on a house! I want him to buy me what he can afford, not be broke for years afterwards trying to pay it off just so he can show people, or I can show people, how much he spent on me.

Like you said, a man can buy you a big ring and still be a jerk, or cheat on you, or whatever. If you think the ring is what makes him a good man, then you are sadly mistaken. I know women who have HUGE rocks on their fingers and are completely unhappy and have husbands who go out and do whatever they want with whomever they want. All the ring says is that he has money, not that he loves you. Great blog Brooke, totally on point!

Ms. Penn said...

When I first saw the title for the blog, I thought "Wow, how shallow of Brooke." I should have known better than to doubt you B.

Too many women put too much emphasis on the wrong things in relationships. They want a man who's FINE instead of one with a good heart and a spiritual center. They want a man who's over 6 feet tall, rather than a man who does what he says, is consistent, faithful and honest. They want a big ring rather than a house and financial security. It seems to me that these women will either be single forever, or wind up with men who are no good for them because they place importance on superficial things.

The ring doens't guarantee that you have a good man, and if you want a ring just to show off to your friends, that means you place your self worth on what others think of you instead of what you think of yourself and the love you share with your man.

Annamaria said...

I purposely didn't want to be first today because I actually wanted to THINK about my response since I just got engaged.

I LOVE my ring. My ring is absolutely PERFECT. I couldn't have picked a better one out myself. The size is perfect. BUT I don't love it because of that.. I love it because of what it symbolizes. I love it because Powerz to the time out to go to jewelry store & pick it out for ME. He chose it for my finger because he wanted to make that commitment to me. I honestly have NO clue how many carats(sp?) my ring is? The color? The clarity? All I know is all the diamonds are round.. and that is because I can look at it & tell you that. And I don't care because his love & commitment is what is important. It's funny cause after he gave it to me I think he had one of those moments in which he was like if you want a bigger stone we can go get it. My response was ABSOLUTELY NOT. This is the ring YOU chose for me & its perfect just the way it is. IF for our 10 year anniversary you want to upgrade it & we renew our vows then we'll do it then but for now NO. And yes I got those send me a pic, how much, etc etc etc BUT I didn't care.

I DO BELIEVE that a lot of women put TOO much emphasis on the ring & the actual wedding date. AND the women that I have known that have done that are either divorced OR headed in that direction. IF these woman put the time & effort that they put into the ring & planning their wedding INTO the actual marriage & their mate the divorce rate would plummet rapidly. I've heard of women going all out to plan every tiny detail for their wedding yet their husband can't get a glass of water from them! WTF KINDA SHIT IS THAT???

We've become a very misguided society. I'd rather put the effort to keep my fiancee happy especially once he is my husband than to use it just to plan a party.
Luckily I know some great wives that are great examples to me & give great advice.

The Fury said...

I totally agree wit Powerz. If a woman equates her worth with the ring she's given, the man might as well look for a new wife. There should never be a ring representative of your love. Whether .25 carats or 25 carats, that ring won't communicate with you or help raise your future kids

Monica said...

I'm not a jewelry person. I've been surrounded with it all my life and I can take it or leave it. I'll take the marriage commitment over the ring any day. I actually kind of like the idea that Beyonce and Jay had tattoos on their ring fingers a couple years before they actually got married. To place emphasis on what the size is or how much the ring costs is rediculous. The only thing that should matter is that you love and cherish each other and spend your lives making each other happy.

Jay said...

In my last relationship, I thought about marriage, proposals, the ring, etc. I think men have an idea of how it'll go down too, and that women are not the only ones who think about that day. I think we want it to be just as special for us as we do for her.

That being said, I know I'd want to get her what she wants and would like. I don't however, plan on breaking the bank to do so. If I feel I'm with a woman who cares more about how much her ring costs than the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, then like Fury said, I might as well look for a new wife. If a man feels that he has a wife who loves him for HIM and just wants HIM, he'll probably go out of his way to get her a great ring, because he knows she'd APPRECIATE it, not that she'd rather live in a shack while he pays his next year's salary on a ring.

I plan on saving for it once I know she's the one. I want it to be nice, but I don't want to be the broke brother paying it off while we live in my mama's basement. You have to have priorities and be realistic. The ring, the wedding, all that happens in a blink of an eye. The marriage is hopefully what lasts forever.

Yolanda said...

Remember that Sex & The City episode where Carrie didn't like the ring so she wore it on her necklace? I always thought that was nutty. If your love takes his time to shop and purchase you a ring, you should wear it. Grant it, your man should know what you like already (i.e.: whether you prefer yellow gold, etc...) but the bigger picture is, it's a slap in the face to be SO into the ring that you over look the message behind it.

No, I don't have an alert for the blog. I was on FB and saw Brooke posted the link. Don't blame me if ya'll slow :-)

Brooke said...

I never saw that episode, but that's crazy!!! I would DIE if I was a man and the woman did that! I'd die if I bought a ring for the man and he did that to me! Yikes!

Would any of you women propose to a man, and if so, would you buy him a ring?

Annamaria said...

@ Fury...If a woman equates her worth with the size of her ring maybe she is worth .25cts...LMAO

My brother's wife put all emphasis on her ring.. He's going through some SHIT right now. This woman has YET to live up to her vows. She is not standing beside him through his worst or in sickness. When he's needed her the most she bailed on his ass. AND he did pay a grip for her ring. MONEY WASTED!

Rameer The Circumstance said...

I agree with Ms. Penn's statements wholeheartedly, especially "Too many women put too much emphasis on the wrong things in relationships."

I've said before I'm REALLY not into jewelry like that. And it's no secret I have no love for gold or diamonds due to where many of these stones and metals come from and what is involved. Likewise, the history of these things indicates Europeans placed way more value on them than many peoples of color, and that that attitude has since been transferred throughout the world.

I've told any woman I've seriously dealt with it's unlikely I would EVER buy an expensive engagement ring for a woman. I just don't give a eff about carats and impressing anyone with jewelry. The only jewelry I myself own and wear are my school ring and heirlooms passed on to me by my grandfather that I where once in a while. And I where those things because of what they represent, not because they're gold or have diamonds.

I'm much more on page with a woman and me committing to each other, and choosing something together to rep that commitment. So, while I won't say I would NEVER get my wife a ring, it more than likely would NOT have a diamond on it, and wouldn't be gaudy or particularly expensive.

To this day - I've never bought a single piece of gold or diamond jewelry for anyone.

Annamaria said...

Brooke you know I proposed to Powerz first & you saw the massive ROCK I got him! LMAO

Stef said...

I'd be lying if I said I could propose to a man. I hope to never have to do it, but if I was waiting like ole girl in the blog for my man for 10 years, I might have to propose to him. I don't know if I could have waited that long, especially if she said she could get married at City Hall. Clearly she wanted him, not just the ring, so she could have proposed to him and I'm sure he would have said yes and felt less pressure.

I know I'm being hypocritical, but I'd be so afraid of the rejection. And I just think a man knows when a woman loves him enough to marry him, whereas we women tend to have doubts. That's why I think HE should do it, so that we know for sure he's ready. Just my feelings on it.

Anonymous said...

@ Anna Banana,
Tell your brother to take the ring when she is asleep and switch out the stone for a piece of glass!!! Its a foul thing to do but hey if she ain't gonna stand by him when he needs her the most then she don't deserve him. If the female really don't like the ring the man gave her, she should not insult him by trivializing it. Shame on her.

Jaz said...

I agree, measuring a man's love by the ring he gives her is an insult, and if a woman does that, a man should take the ring back and turn the other way. I can't imagine a more insulting thing to do and it's an indication of her selfishness and what the marriage is bound to be like.

I don't care about diamonds and carats and all that stuff. Finding a man willing to commit is hard enough as it is without worrying about color and clarity, etc. Hell, I'd just wear a wedding band at this point. I used to wonder about big stones and all that, but the older I get, the more I realize what's important in life.

And yes, I'd propose a man and suggest we pick out our wedding bands together and just wear those. I see nothing wrong with it.

I feel sorry for your brother Annamaria :(

Annamaria said...

So do I Jaz..
Shoot I'd go to city hall tomorrow if we could.. My vows will be my vows whether I say them in a church, city hall or the street corner...LOL people say their vows like they are just words! DUH they aren't they mean stuff HELLO!

The Ring Man said...

If I gave a woman a ring and she complained. I would tell her to FUCK OFF!!!!

Brooke said...

oh damn, tell us how you really feel Ring Man :)

The Ring Man said...

@Brooke - LOL!!

Serena W. said...

Shame on women who measure their love based on a ring. I've seen some jacked up marriages that had all the bling attached.

It shouldn't matter (ring size, whatever). What does is the divine connection, love and friendship between the two people.

I was talking to my friend D. Murray today and he said often times women who are making the comments about their girl's ring size, etc...are single! Miserable and single.

Needless to say some of those friends would fade to the back that dare say a thing about my ring...if I had one lol.

Too many people do that in general with material items period. They put so much into what a person is driving, the size of the house, etc and don't look at what's inside that person.

My five cents ;)

Rameer The Circumstance said...

NO DOUBT, Serena!!

Annamaria said...

*****applauding Serena's comment as usual*****

Laughing at the ANGRY RING MAN!! LMAO

The Ring Man said...

@Serena - Well Said!!!!!

Brooke said...

I agree Serena, and you're right - those are the ones who are single and miserable.


Yes, I saw the rock you proposed to Austin with...but I like the one he bought you better :)

Annamaria said...


I promise I did a better job with his wedding band! LMAO

Serena W. said...

Amen Brooke :) Annamaria I want to see the ring.

Serena W. said...

I want to see the ring you gave Austin!

Brooke said...

Nothing is wrong with the ring you proposed to Austin with...but it was sized more for a MUCH bigger man :)


Serena...his "engagement" ring is in the house. Remind me to show it to you the next time you come to NY...
You guys will have to wait til after the wedding to see the band.

Anonymous said...

Annamaria, I got married at City Hall! It was really cool...we hired a professional photographer and invited family and friends to witness it! Really cool! Made it real sex and the city like!

With respect to the engagement ring that I bought my wife, my thought going into it was just to get her something that she would like. She wears it and that is what makes me happy! She always suggest that I should have gotten something a bit simpler but it is what I wanted to get for her! She is such a low key woman and that is what I appreciate about her, I think we balance each other out! I like the grand things and she likes the smaller and finer things which is why when you see my wedding band that she picked out for me, it is a simple black, titanium band! I look at it and it just reminds me of who she is as a person and signifies that like this ring our love for one another is strong and indestructible!

I love that big head!


Brooke said...

awww, that's so sweet Floyd :)

Anonymous said...

Brooke...have you seen that head???It's massive LOL! Nah I love her to death!!


A to the BUUUUZZZ said...

Floyd that is SOOO sweet. I'm very very happy for you guys..

Listen I hate the whole planning process. I am the anti bride that wishes someone else could plan it & I can just show up. Which is why we are aiming for a destination wedding & a wedding planner is involved. I want to do as little as possible. If NOT....CITY HALL IT IS! lol..
I have tiny fingers sooo a huge rock would have looked gaudy & retarded on my finger. My ring is beautiful & perfect.
And like I always say what it means is what is beautiful to me. I HATE taking it off to go to sleep cuz I feel like I'm violating something..LOL

Abuzzzzzzzzz said...

Floyd that's soooo sweet. You better stop making fun of her head before your daughter grows up with that cranium.. I did that stuff when I was preggo of Sophia & she looks exactly like her Daddy.. LIL HEIFER! lol

SuSu said...

Great blog!! I agree that the ring isn't the end-all-be-all, but for me.. when I look down on my ring ringer, I would at least like to see a beautiful, preferably large stone. I've always admired diamonds and their brilliance. I've always envisioned my engagement ring to be big enough to suit my taste. I'm not ashamed to say that I want a decent (1 carat minimum, and I’m being modest) sized ring. Some women could wear a less grand ring and not care of its size...I'm not that kind of chick. If I were going to buy diamond earrings or a diamond ring for myself, I'd be looking to get the biggest and the best quality that I could afford. I would do whatever I needed to do to provide the kind of jewels that would make me happy and fit my taste. And so, I'm expecting the same from an engagement ring. If my man doesn't have the means to buy me the kind of ring that fits my taste, I'd honestly prefer a promise ring until he can afford one that would make me happy. To me, the ring not only signifies the commitment, it is a beautiful piece of jewelry and I would want to stare at it and get lost in all its brilliance- without a magnifying glass. I'm just sayin!! Don't hate on me cuz I want a big rock! It has nothing to do with him! It’s me!! lol

Anonymous said...

If you care about diamonds so much and their "brilliance" why not buy your own ring and let him buy you a ring he can afford? Sounds like you're placing the value of his love for you on a ring. If you like fine jewels and would do anything to get them, buy your own and wear it on your right hand and wear the ring he gets for you on the left.

SuSu said...

I'm crying inside over wounded me. Really dude?!

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