Monday, June 15, 2009

Half on a Baby

Hola mi gente!

I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!

I neglected to congratulate my best friend Val and her husband Chris last week on the blog - they welcomed their third son into the world last Thursday, June 11th, and he's the most adorable baby ever!

As I sat and ogled her brand new baby in her hospital room, something she said struck me. "Now I know my family is complete."

At age 36, Val was done. No more babies. She was content.

At age 36, I'm no where even near that. No prospects in sight. Zero.

In my mind, I'm 27 years old, so maybe that's why I don't hear my clock ticking as loud as some other women my age do. Growing up, I never dreamt of having children. It wasn't until my late 20's when I was in a relationship with a man who I could actually see myself having kids with that I began to even consider it. It wasn't that I hated kids - anyone who knows me knows that is far from true - but it was just never something on the forefront of my mind.

That being said, I was never that chick who dreamt of what her wedding day would be like either. No white dress, flowers, throwing of bouquets. It was never on my mind. Not that I was opposed to marriage, it was just something I never gave much thought to.

Nowadays, I can see myself more as a mother than a wife. I think the maternal instinct in me is natural, whereas marriage and unconditional love with someone who doesn't share your blood takes work. Not that parenting isn't hard work, but I think it's easier to love and sacrifice for something that came out of you.

While my clock isn't blowing up, I realize I do have to give it some serious thought. A married friend of mine who has gone through painful, nauseating rounds of in vitro fertilization in order to have her twins told me this - "If you want to be a mother...if you can do it, and do it naturally, then do it...husband be damned." She told me that fertility drops significantly after age 38, and every year thereafter you run the risk of health problems for yourself and the baby - if you even get pregnant at all.

Talk about blowing my "27 in my mind" high. My gynecologist is no better. Every exam has her looking at me sideways like, "I see you had another birthday my dear, when are you gonna meet a nice man?" I feel like saying, "b*tch, please just poke around and do what you gotta do and mind your own damn business." I appreciate her concern, but she's working my nerves.

But she's right. I need to make a decision, and come up with plan. If by age 38 there is no significant man in my life, I may need to find someone to go half on a baby. Yeah, I said it...and y'all can talk about me all you want. But hey, it is what it is.

So far, I have 3 possible baby daddies. When I asked them, they all said they'd be willing to donate their sperm...only if we did it the natural way. Well, if I'm gonna be a single mom, then free sounds really good right about now :-) So natural it is. Everyone always says, "maybe you can adopt." Imagine the application: Single, makes "x" amount of money, woman seeking a kid. DENIED.

So, now to find the baby daddy ;)

Well, first he must be clean...and I mean of disease. Not trying to have my baby making project interrupted by some nasty STD. Ewwww. We'd need to test, re-test, and then test again before anything could jump off.

In that same vein, he has to come from a pretty decent gene pool. Recovering heroin addicts with alcoholic parents can kick rocks. And I'm not saying he has to be a brain surgeon who works part-time as a male model - but if he's smart, and funny and reasonably good looking...that would help ;)

Second, he'd have to be single. Maybe there's some chick out there who is so secure in herself and her relationship that she'd let her man get busy with some other woman at least 5 to 6 times a month during her ovulation period and then impregnate her out of the kindness of his heart - but I've never met her. I don't think she exists.

Third, he'd have to be trustworthy and reliable. By this I mean ready to drop everything at the drop of a hat to come fertilize me when I say so. This requires commitment. I'm not sure if I ovulate like clockwork or not, so he'd have to focus and have plenty of Red Bull on hand. He can't be out of town on business, can't be going to visit his jump-off and no headaches. Not romantic in the least, and sounds very technical...but unless he's on his deathbed, he'd better cum correct ;)

Lastly, he has to be able to be reasoned with. We can draw up a contract and discuss expectations, but since the laws of parental rights are changing all the time, a contract may not hold up in court. I want to have a baby daddy I know well enough where we can discuss things civilly and rationally.

So, I think the 3 possibles fit this criteria. Funny...when this discussion came up, I thought I'd get the first confused, then baffled, then shocked response. But surprisingly, all seemed rather cool with it - they all said yes without hesitation.

Hmmm...should I be worried about that?

None asked what I expected of them, if I wanted money, what duties they'd have to share or how long it would take. All just naturally assumed they'd be a part of the child's life and would take on the responsibility that a father naturally would. This surprised me, but it's good to know that there are men out there who would expect nothing less.

However, what warmed my heart even more was their answer to MY question.

"Why did you say yes?"

All of their answers were the same...

"Because I think you'd make a great mother."

Wow. What a compliment. And quite honestly, it never occurred to me that someone would have their own list of criteria for choosing a baby mama. I was flattered that someone found me worthy to carry their child.

So...with all of that said, I have logically come up with a plan for "Operation Half on a Baby." Now if I could just shake this feeling that I have all the time in the world, I'd be good. I don't see myself as an aging, baby-crazy spinster. And honestly, I haven't given up on true love. I guess I'm just hoping that biology won't give up on me.

Ask me again in 2 years if I still wanna go half on a baby. Who knows what my answer will be. My life is full of amazing children right now that I couldn't love more than if I had birthed them myself - so we'll see if my clock is ticking LOUDER, or if it stops altogether by then. I can sit here and tell you all the plans I have and make it all sound really smart. But you know what they say - if you want to make God laugh, tell Him what your plans are :)



Annamaria said...

FIRST BITCHES!!!!!!!!!! :)

Annamaria said...

Brooke I think you'd make an EXCELLENT mother.

I'm 30 having my first kid and I know I'm already done! lol. I have NO desire to have any more kids. I have 2 wonderful & beautiful stepkids plus my future daughter & I am completely fulfilled. I can even say if god forbid Austin & I ever broke up I wouldn't want anymore kids. I love my lil one & am sooo happy she is coming but she's completed me. That being said she was a happy lil "accident". I wasn't hearing my biological clock either. (very rare for a PR..LOL) NO WHERE NEAR hearing it. And probably wouldn't have thought of having one had Austin not snuck one by me..LOL

BUT I can say that before him & I started dating I always thought that if & when I had a baby it would be with a "sperm donor". I just never felt like any of the men I was with were people I wanted to be linked to for the next rest of my life because of a kid. I never had any desire to have a kid with any of my exes. So I can totally relate to your idea. I know someone who did that too & she has no regrets either. Bottom line I expect to be attending your baby shower in 2 years so do you & do what you feel is right for YOUR life. :)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Great topic Brooke. ANd just for the record I think you would make an excellent mommy! Unfortunately your child would be forced to be an Eagle Fan... but everything else would be all good!!!

It's funny this topic is actually not as Taboo anymore then it used to be. In my single days I was approached 3 times about this very same topic. And I have to say...I gave it considerable thought! My problem is...I would have wanted to do it naturally...which isn't necessarily a problem. But I'm like a girl in that sense as I get attached. And I would have know choice at all but to feel some kinda way for the woman that had my baby. So my feelings would probably end up hurt!!!

And maybe my clock is ticking too...cuz I can't wait to have a family!!!

Yolanda said...

I have no clock but I do like kids...other people's kids who can go home when they start to work a nerve :-)

That being said, I will share this tidbit that I got from an older friend who has had 2 daughters via in vitro (after miscarrying twins). She said that if you are even remotely thinking of having kids and you're in your 30s, FREEZE YOUR EGGS because the viability starts to drop (which you mentioned, Brooke)! She was real adamant about that. She married in her mid-30s, I believe, then they went right to work on procreating.

I've shared her advice with everyone I know who's in her 30s but (like me) doesn't have a man on the horizon.

It can't hurt to inquire about it!

Good luck Brooke!

Brooke said...

A friend of mine actually suggest I do that, but I've never looked into it. I don't know what it is, but I just don't have the sense of urgency like I feel I should.

It could be that because everyone has had kids before me, I get to see firsthand how hard it can be. All of the mothers I know are married or have help...but it wasn't always the case for all of them. Even WITH a permanent father figure, raising kids is HARD WORK! I always question whether I'm wanting something I may not be built for or that God doesn't have planned for me. I told a friend that if it isn't for me, then I hope God takes the maternal urge away from me, so that I don't make a mistake thinking I can handle something I really can't.

I pray on it when I'm around my nephews, my Godson, my best friends' children. Some encourage me to do it, others tell me not to and to embrace their children. I used to think that was insensitive, but I know they mean well.

I think about holding out to find the right person, hoping I won't meet him when I'm 43, and then can't get pregnant for whatever reason. Then I think about meeting that man, but then he already have kids and not want anymore. I imagine so many different scenarios, and then I put it out of my mind cuz I get tired of thinking about it...til someone else has a baby.

I just don't want to decide that I want it and then miss it. That's a good suggestion Yolanda, I may have to look into that for real. Thanks!

Brooke said...

Oh, and thanks Pretty Ricky!

I already know you'd make a great dad - that poor kid would be in stitches!! I think I hear your clock ticking louder than mine!LOL!!

The Cable Guy said...

Well Brooke, if you need a 4th possible, count me in!

And I mean it when I say this - I think you're special and would make a great mother. We joke on the blog and flirt with you, etc., but I don't think I know a woman who is more intelligent, poised, funny, beautiful (inside and out) than you. Any man should be honored to father a child with you - the gifts you have to share with a child are limitless. And the way you talk about your nephews and all the other kids in your life lets me know you'd make an awesome mother.

They don't make them like you anymore, you are very special. I can see why you're still single... cuz no man out there is good enough for you. So if you MUST do it alone, you got youself another "donor" in me...if I'm worthy :)

Brooke said...

Wow, I'm still basking in that compliment. What a wonderful thing to say! Thank you so much!

I'm getting more possibles by the hour :-) LOL!!

But seriously, thank you...what you wrote meant alot to me. Truly.

Anonymous said...

This is Mr. Smith,

You don't need to get knocked up. Shit, I'll GLADLY offer you my kids. Just say the word and I'll bring them over. :-)

Brooke said...

Mr. Smith? Not sure I know who this is :) Name your kids, maybe I know them!

Brooke said...

Okay, so I know who you are now, thanks to your offline message... and the answer is NO! LOL!!

Brooke said...

And it just occurred to me that Annamaria said she was done after this one...really?? You have to make more beautiful babies Annamaria! Even though not sure we need more of her walking around with tasers and shanks ;) lol

Annamaria said...

YUP... I hope everyone enjoys this one cause after this shops closed. LOL
If you ever want to borrow her for the day you are MORE than welcomed to Brooke....LOL

I'll make sure I don't allow her to take her shanks & tasers with her.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

{Giving the cable guy a pound} That comment should get you a lil something dawg!!! LMAO

Brooke said...

uh...slow down Pretty Ricky...a lil something of what? :)

Anthony Otero said...

I think you would make a great mom too. We have had this discussion before, so I am not sure what else to add to that.

I will say that kids have away for putting life into perspective.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Boing Chicka wow wow!!!! LMAO

Come on Brooke... a brotha is working hard!!!! If a girl said that about me... I would give her some!!!

Brooke said...

Ricky, a woman could blow on your neck and you'd give her some :)

I appreciated the comment, but that's not all it takes man :)

Cable Guy IS cute tho, we'd make some cute babies :)

Thanks Ant!

The Cable Guy said...

uh oh ya'll, I'm CUTE!!

But I wasn't trying to say all that to get in there with Brooke, she knows how I feel about her...I've told her many times before OFF the blog.

She's my baby, she just don't know it yet! LOL!!

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

... yeah and??

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Cable guy... I know you didn't say that to get some... but I can appreciate a brothers hard work!!! (Being a hard working brother myself)

I'm cute... but I'm not Morris Chestnut I have to use my charm.

Brooke said...

Pretty Ricky, you're a great guy. Gina is so lucky to have you! You have a great personality and a cute face, and you'll make a great dad one day!

**scratching your name off the list***

Cable Guy has told me off the blog all these things, so I don't think he has any other motives, was nice of him to say.

Serena W. said...

Hey everyone! Been running! But Brooke I hear ya on the half on a baby front and hear it from other women. I think you'd be an incredible Mommy and the Cable Guy gets props on his comment. It was almost to the point of what my Nana said when Papa died, "They cracked the mold after they made him." I broke down and cried because she was so right.

You are a Divine Mold ;-) I know you dug that poem I wrote and I did that piece for the women like you, myself and others who know they are divine and a unique mold made in God's eyes :)

I'll tap you on the shoulder in two years though and see if you are still on the half on a baby tip :)

My friend had her first at 38 and was fine, my Mom's friend (first at 41 and second at 43). She was fine.

Doctors can say whatever...but they aren't God.

Tell your gynecologist to kick rocks too!

Annamaria said...

I've been telling you to give it up to the Cable guy for months now and NOW you finally have a reason too... Come on just a lil something something..LOL

Brooke said...

LOL!! Serena, I love you! That's all I gotta say :) I can't wait to meet you!

I'm sure whatever is meant to be will be - I just don't want to be the one who says "whatever will be will be" and not actively participate in my own life and decisions.

And as grating as my gynecologist can be, she's very smart and good at what she does. She actually has a very good manner about her and she said she sees a maternal instint in me and doesn't want me to think I have all the time in the world without being informed. I'd rather have that type of doctor than the opposite. She gives me more information than I know what to do with. I just wish she'd stop acting like I'm PURPOSELY not having a baby.

Annamaria, and then what? You want me to blog about giving some up to the Cable Guy? :-) LOL!

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Brooke...if you blogged the cable guy..that would be your most popular blog. Do it for the ratings!!!

Rameer said...

I'M curious - if the cable dude is cute, is a good guy and has said really endearing things to you offline...why aren't you WITH the cable kid???

Brooke said...

I have my reasons Rameer. And he knows what they are, and he knows I'm not gonna put his business on blast. It takes more than being cute, saying nice things to me and being a good guy. Hell Rameer, you've said endearing things to me, you're cute and you're a good guy...and I'm not with you.

But that's cuz you don't love me ;)

Ratings Pretty Ricky? Really? :)

Rameer said...

Brooke - I'll say this live on the blog...

If I lived in NYC I'd SOOOOOOOOOO call your bluff. Like, Day 1 of moving there...

I'm cute and a good guy?? Awwww...u just made the day just a little better...than and the thought of the Lakers wearing those championship hats and t-shirts...

Oh yeah, thought I forgot, CHUMPS?!? LAKERS, BABY - EAT IT, HATERS!!! LMBAO!!!

Brooke said...

I knew the day wouldn't be complete without you talking about the Lakers :) And again, I'm not a hater...I thought you knew that.

But I guess not since you decided to call me out and include me with everyone else on your FB status last night...but it's all good. I can take it..and I'd expect nothing else from someone who doesn't love me :)

I should make up a blog about blogging the cable guy just to see how many comments I get :)

The Cable Guy said...

I know what her reasons are, but I'm gonna wear her down and make her love me :)

No need to do it for ratings, just do it for me :)

Annamaria said...

DO IT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

OR for the

Or cause it's Monday....


Brooke said...

No, never need a reason - we'll have to talk offline Annamaria, cuz you're the cable guy's biggest cheerleader :)

Hell, I wish I had someone to blog with on the regular!

Brooke said...

sh*t, if anything Annamaria, you're doing it enough for the BOTH of us! LOL!

Rameer said...

1. I'mma start callin' you Meryl Dean (instead of Streep)...cuz you are OBVIOUSLY trying to get your Golden Globe on with the whole "you don't love me" thing.

I KNOW you're not a hater - but I put everyone's name who I could think of off the top of my head who decided to make a hater-esque comment towards or about my Lakers and/or Kobe on FB. And here's the difference...

I LIT those fools UP on their pages after the Lakers won! But not YOUR page...

But I'mma start breakin' out the world's smallest fiddle every time you start the "woe is me, Rameer don't luuuuuuuuvvvvv me" routine. You act like you Celie and I'm Mister or somethin'!!

Ain't no future in yo frontin'! (Rest In Peace MC Breed)

Serena W. said...

Rameer and a fiddle! That would be something to see...and Brooke, Rameer would call your bluff lol!

And I love ya back honey...MUAH!

I'm glad your gynecologist is great and informative...but she can still kick rocks.

Brooke said...

yeah, you're right...she can :)

If she says one more thing I'm gonna snatch her baldheaded :)

Rameer can break out all the fiddles he wants, he knows I'm telling the truth!

Rameer said...

And, the nominees for best actress in a dramatic series are:

Ellen Pompei "Grey's Anatomy"
Kyra Sedgwick "The Closer"
Glenn Close "Damages"
Sally Field "Brothers & Sisters"
Brooke "Meryl" Dean "Brookey's Cafe Blog"

***starts playing the world's smallest fiddle for background music***

Brooke said...

***choking back tears***

(accepting award)

"I'd like to thank God, and Rameer for making this moment possible..."

Anonymous said...

OK I have read some comments but you know me I have a small attention I will just say my 2 cents!!!!!

You mentioned 3 guys that said they would help you to have a baby, that you would be a great Mom (which I have no doubt in my mind-although you would have to get over your noise thing cause you know you would get some loud ass kids-just for sh%ts and giggles from the Universe) but my question to you and these 3 guys is...If you would be a great Mom and of course great person by default why wouldn't you make a great girlfriend or better yet wife? I'm just sayin!!!!???? You deserve 100% love, marriage, and children.

Anonymous said...

oh and bye the way for all those wanna be donors....we don't want no donors who already donated...that's just not a good look.....

Serena W. said...

Hiiiiiiiiiiii Malek!!!! Ok that is funny about no more donors! (Good point)!!! Extra good point about being a girlfriend and a wife! Hmmmm, thoughts from the dudes? I know it's late and folks may be off :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Serena,
We may have to continue this blog tomorrow!!!!

Brooke said...

Well, just like I can see myself as a mother but maybe not a wife, some men may see themselves more as a father but not a husband. The two don't always go together you know.

Not everyone is built for marriage, and knowing that is half the battle. Not everyone is meant for parenthood. That's something I need to figure out if I'm built for.

And no, I won't have any loud ass kids :-)

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