Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Tuesday!

Our very own Rameer suggested I read an article posted on TheRoot.com and explore it as a possible blog topic. The article is titled "What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle," and it discusses professional, black women, our dating choices and the standards we have when it comes to choosing a potential mate. I agree it would make for some great discussion, so let's see what we come up with :-)

Hopefully you clicked on the link and read the story. I know, I know Pretty Ricky...we took up a brotha's lunch break with all that readin' and writin' and stuff :-)

But I don't want to retype or regurgitate the article - so I'll simply say that it says that black women are too picky, or overlook the "nerdy" guy when choosing potential mates - and that if more of us relaxed our standards like Michelle Obama did, we would have "Our Barack" by now.

Okay...maybe...but let's slow down a bit.

I kinda take issue with the author's assumption. Yes, Michelle has admitted to thinking that Barack has a strange name. But the REAL reason she said she was hesitant to date him was because they were colleagues, and she was his boss. Dating someone you work with can be considered unprofessional, and can get sticky. That doesn't mean she thought his ears were too big or that he was a nerd or a cornball. It just means that she wanted to be cautious and professional. Who are we to say that she found him attractive or not? Michelle Obama saying she thought he had a funny name doesn't necessarily translate into her finding him unattractive...it just means she thought he had a funny name.

We're imposing our thoughts and perceptions on Michelle Obama, and since none of us know what she finds attractive or unattractive, the article may have been a bit unfair or presumptuous.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I personally think Barack Obama is sexy as hell. He has that engaging smile that just sucks you in, a brilliant mind coupled with a sincere gaze, and a confidence that oozes self assurance and sexy all at the same time. He captured us with his charismatic, dynamic delivery at the DNC, and his appeal has only grown since. These are characteristics that go beyond the physical - either you have IT or you don't. And Barack has that IT factor that can't be denied...and there's nothing nerdy or corny about it. When you have that IT factor, a person can't help but be drawn to you, no matter what you look like on the outside.

Now...back to the article.

I get what the author is saying.

He's the guy you SHOULD be dating.
He's the guy you SHOULD be interested in.
He's the guy you SHOULD kiss on the lips instead of giving him your cheek.
He's the guy you SHOULD marry.

Ladies, we all know him. He's totally interesting, he makes you laugh, he calls when he says he will, he's reliable to a fault and your mother loves him.

...but...

For some reason we just can't help but put him in the friend zone - that is if we haven't dismissed him from the door. Is it pheromones? lack of chemistry? his coke bottle glasses? funny haircut? highwaters? Why can't we ever be physically attracted to the guy we SHOULD be attracted to? The one who would treat us like a queen, who will be there for us, love us unconditionally?

Don't get me wrong, physical attraction and chemistry are all important. I'm not dismissing that at all. But what I have found is that the more I get to know someone and I discover what a great person they are, my attraction begins to grow. I find that if I'm having an intelligent conversation with a witty man, suddenly I don't notice that he's shorter than I am. Intelligence is sexy to me, so if you can string two sentences together coherently, you got me.

What I'm saying is, strike up a conversation with a man you might not normally think is your "type." You may be surprised at what comes out of his mouth. He may not be the tall, strapping, handsome-by-some-model-standard guy, but he may be funny as hell! Oh...did I mention that if you can make me laugh, you got me that way too? :-)

I've been told I date "cerebral" or "academic" men (read: nerdy). However, I've also dated men who maybe didn't have a college degree - but who also never let me open a car door. They pulled out my chair every time I sat down, and they made sure I was taken care of. They weren't your Morris Chestnut's or Idris Elba's either. Just great guys who were beautiful from the inside out.

I guess what the author is saying is that if there are only 70 single black men for every 100 single black women (and that number is off since that number included incarcerated men), then maybe we shouldn't diminish our chances by discounting the brotha wearing too tight jeans and rocking a Nipsy Russell 'fro - assuming we want to date a brotha (but that's a topic for another day).

There is no perfect man who will have EVERYTHING on your list when it comes to his physical appearance. Yes, we want him to have all of his teeth...preferably porcelain white with a smile like Chris Webber's. But if he has braces, just think of how great his teeth will look when they come off, and go out for coffee with him anyway.

The same goes for men, but since this article addressed black women, I'll keep it there. We don't want a man pre-judging us or dismissing us because we don't look like Halle Berry, so we shouldn't hold on to the same misguided, superficial standard of perfection that no one can attain for men either. Date the guy who has a slight belly. Don't pay too much attention to his non-fashion sense. Stop playing him sideways because his fingers are too small or his voice is a slight octave higher than you think it should be. Is a man who speaks proper English that much of a turn-off? Really?

The strikingly handsome, intelligent, successful, tall, athletic, chiseled, fashionable, handy, ambitious, sensitive, funny, spiritual, devoted, loyal, romantical (Pretty Ricky's word) men ARE out there. But maybe just not all of that wrapped into one. Pick the traits that mean the most to you and see what you can do without. You may find that certain characteristics on your wish list aren't that important after all. Or you may find that you actually DO have all of that in your man...just not the way you envisioned it.

-b

Happy Monday!

I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend - the weather was great here in the NYC - perfect for a bridal shower and bachelorette party! A dear friend of mine will be getting married in a few weeks, so we all gathered Saturday for a night of fun.

A couple of my male friends, upon finding out that I had gone to a bachelorette party, asked me to "spare them the details." The rest, however, seem to have no clue as to what we ladies do at bachelorette parties, or they think that it's all tea and crumpets.

While most women don't wanna REALLY know what goes on at bachelor parties, we kinda have an idea. Drinking, strippers, strip clubs, butt naked hos, drinking, sex, drinking....more hos. At least that's what we think anyway. And don't let the men go "away" somewhere for the weekend....forget about it.

A new world will be built before a man tells you what happened at the bachelor party - what happens at the party, STAYS at the party. However, none of them seem to think anything sordid happens at bachelorette parties. They think it's just a bunch of girls sitting around throwing singles at a man dancing to Ginuwine's "Pony" (the standard stripper cowboy song)...and for the most part, that's true. They may not know or ask about the "hot seat" or the "massage" - but they think it's all good, clean fun.

...and it is....ahem....depending on where you go or who's throwing the party.

I asked a few guys what they think happens at bachelorette parties...and these are some of the responses I got:

Naked Pillow Fight.

- Okay, I think this was just his fantasy. He thought we stripped down to our thongs and lacy bras, wrestled in jello and then got drunk and made out with each other. Sorry dude...don't mean to disappoint you...but that doesn't happen. Like....EVER.

Chippendales.

- If you're envisioning us sitting around a table sipping on Kettle One and cranberry through penis straws watching cornball Fabio lookalikes gyrate offbeat to corny stripper music, think again. Yes, we do have the straws, but the men are usually oiled down, muscled up and can dance their naked asses off. At least the ones I've been to. Yes, they're your typical firefighters, policemen, officer and a gentlemen or cowboy characters, but they got SKILLZ. The firefighter who danced to J. Holiday's "Bed" on Saturday night could get it! I mean, I might've had his baby. Yes, a lot of men who dance at the strip clubs are gay, but THAT night...he was whatever we wanted him to be.

For the most part, we simply watch for the tricks they do. And if he can lift up 3 women at one time, pin one against the wall while he twirls another one in his hand, or can put you in a crazy sexual position and then molest, lick, fondle, bite, rub, tickle, suck (toes usually) and make them all feel....well...special....then we're makin' it rain. ***clapping hands**** BRAVO!!!

Sex Instructors or Sex Toy Parties.

- Yes, some women do invite over a sex instructor who spits poetic about the wonders of dildos, vibrators, toys and lubes, and schools you on how to incorporate them into your bedroom acrobatics. She may even give a "how to" lesson on oral sex.

...yawn....

Don't we know this stuff already? I mean, if you're getting married, chances are we've explored all that already...right? Maybe that's just MY friends ;)

But hey...if you want to sit around and have a "booty parlor" party while nibbling on crust-less sandwiches and pay for such instructions - I'm available (that's a good side hustle!)

Dinner and Bar Hopping.

Yes, the night usually starts off tame enough. We adorn the bride with any type of sexually charged and/or embarrassing trinket that we can think of. Although cliche by now, the condom-laden veil or tiara is an ever-popular choice, followed by dozens of penis pops stuck to her outfit, accompanied by the "Blushing Bride" sash worn ever so elegantly across her chest. That's so everyone out on the street knows who she is and why we're acting a fool.

however....

Once the drinks starts flowing, then the "bar hopping" can get interesting. Men LOVE watching a bunch of women out on her "last night of freedom" and will do anything to participate in the evening's festivities. That's where the "scavenger hunt" comes in :-)

The scavenger hunt involves her bridesmaids/girlfriends making a list of things that she has to get or do throughout the course of the evening. She may have to get a guy to give her his boxers; she may have to consume a body shot off a stranger's belly button; or she may even have to kiss a guy who has the same name as her future husband. The possibilities for this one are endless - it all depends on how far her friends can and will make her go.

Some women even make the bride-to-be go to a gentleman's club and strip as a dare. There are clubs that allow that sometimes you know. Just make sure it's not the same club her fiance will be for his bachelor party...talk about awkward...YIKES!

Anyway, some of my lady friends may think that I've told too much. But for the most part, I don't think I really divulged anything that most men couldn't guess anyway. There was nothing scandalous, vulgar or embarrassing revealed - just good, honest fun (even though I hope this past weekend's photos never see the light of day). A bachelorette probably won't go home with a stranger or call her ex or do anything else she wouldn't be able to tell her fiance about. Most brides-to-be are looking forward to starting her new life with her boo, while the groom-to-be, with help from his boys, is savoring every last drop of his single life and is looking for one last....whatever. So...I'm sure what we do STILL doesn't compare to what happens at bachelor parties...maybe ;)

Perhaps one of the guys will be brave and share what went down at their bachelor party, or a hot party they've been to recently. Ladies, do we wanna know? They're not obliged to tell us...and I get that. And hey, if they don't have to, we don't either. It's all tea and crumpets anyway :-)

-b

TGIF!!!

I didn't know what to write about, so I asked around.

"How bout this...I like to read about ways to keep myself together, new trends and things that improve my overall appearance.....CONVERSELY - I HATE the term metrosexual. Sadly, the connotation is derived from people's inherent need to "categorize" methods outside of the cultural "norms." And its awful because women actually want a man to appear "appealing," but upon discovery of the research and things involved, the dude has to be "coined" something. A woman who takes care of her hair and teeth is a woman who takes care of her hair and teeth. A man? Gotta have some name."

hmmm...I think that was the blog right there :) Thanks D!

Ladies, let me ask you - Do you look at a man and size him up as gay, metro, straight or whatever...based on his looks? Or do you simply look at him as a man who has or doesn't have his sh*t together?

Personally, I look at a well-groomed man as simply that - a well groomed man. I think where the label comes from is more of a marketing buzzword than anything else. Give people an identity to strive for, an attractive pigeonhole to be squeeze into, and, like sheep, some will buy anything associated with it. It's like they created a "new" kind of man by telling the unmoisturized, unkempt man to kick rocks cuz he doesn't spend enough money on keeping his sh*t together.

Let's define metrosexual first, shall we?

A metrosexual is:

a modern, usually single, man in touch with himself and his feminine side; grooms and buffs his head and body, which he drapes in fashionable clothing both at work or before hitting an evening hotspot; has discretionary income to stay up to date with the latest hairstyles, the newest threads, and the right shaped shoes; confuses some guys when it comes to his sexuality; makes these same guys jealous of his success with the ladies -- for many metros, to interact with women is to flirt; impresses the women who enjoy his company with the details that make the man;

Among them:

his appreciation for literature, cinema, or other arts his flair for cooking his savoir faire in choosing the perfect wine and music his eye for interior design is a city boy or, if living a commute away from downtown, is still urbane, if not rightly urban; enjoys reading men's magazines...

That's not my definition - I looked it up :) Basically a metrosexual is a man who carries a "murse" - or "man" bag :)

Now..."Retrosexual" men are the opposite of that. They're your traditionally masculine man who rejects focus on physical appearance. You'll never catch this dude plucking his eyebrows.

So my question to the ladies is - which do you prefer? And to the men - do you consider yourself either, if anything?

I think it depends on what you envision when you hear the term metrosexual. Personally, the first thought that comes to mind when I hear "metrosexual" is a man who OBSESSES over his looks. Traditionally, women are the ones who worry about their appearance to an obsessive extent. The beauty industry is a billion dollar monster - and make-up, hair care products, fashion, plastic surgery, diet crazes, you name it - are all associated with women.

So when you meet that guy who spends more time in the mirror than you do, it kinda throws you off. It's like he's more interested in looking at himself than at you. Men being visual creatures, we're used to being ogled and stared at. So when this guy walks out of the store with more bags than you do, it seems as if he's "un-coupled" with you, and he has taken himself as his own love object. He wants YOU to stare at HIM.

Now, a metro guy might confuse the Neanderthal, brute man as well. He may not necessarily think he's gay...but because he seems chic, sensitive or "cultured," he has to label what he doesn't understand.

Men and women may find metro men to be sexually ambiguous, because "regular" dudes are wrinkled and ashy; they burp, scratch, fight, yell and grope. So when we meet the suave guy who doesn't do all those things and actually cares about how he presents himself, we might not be so sure because it's not "normal."

Granted, advertisers make it plain that metrosexuals are undoubtedly straight - but when men hear themselves being labeled as metro, they might get ready to punch you in the face. To put it in SATC terms, he thinks he's being called more of a "straight gay man" than a "gay straight man" - if that makes any sense.

Sexuality has nothing to do with it.

Personally, I love a man who cares about his appearance. I think a man who cares if a woman finds him attractive is sexy as hell. Ladies, he's doing it for you.

Men don't drive flashy cars, buy cool threads and rock funky shoes for themselves. They may appreciate these things - but they do it for US - to get our attention. Otherwise, they'd be walking around hairy and smelly. We do the same thing. We'd be some fat, hairy bitches if it wasn't for men.

So we shouldn't label them for doing the exact same thing we do. Some of the most masculine men can be "metro" - and wear it well. Will Smith, David Beckham, Brad Pitt - all could be male models by metro guidelines - but all still very much "man" - in my opinion anyway.



I know a few "Renaissance Men" who can put it down in the bedroom, toss your ass around and then go out and play football. I know a few "sensitive men" who bench heavy weights at the gym walking around with muscles and a six pack. I know some straight, beer drinking frat brothers who shop at Abercrombie & Fitch or Banana Republic. And they're all sexy as hell...con mucho machismo.

That being said...metro me this? If we MUST give him a label...doesn't this label sound more attractive? I'm jus sayin ;)

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

- I'm looking forward to the weekend.

- When is it gonna get HOT outside?

- The Paramount folks are teasing me by emailing me the trailer of Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen, but they haven't sent me my invite yet. They probably won't send it, they're funny like that. Not a problem...I'll pay for it.



- What I won't be paying for though is The Taking of Pelham 123 - which I'll see on Monday.



I like "bad" John Travolta!!!

- DMoe is sending me cd's, can't wait to get them!

- "Birthday Sex" = wack music.

- Speaking of music, as some of you know, A&E has a new celebreality series coming up, HammerTime - yes, Stanley Burrell. Sirius Satellite Radio DJ Mick Boogie decided to put together a mixtape to pay homage to Hammer and his iconic career. The project features a recent Hammer Sirius interview, classic songs, interludes, original samples and some new 2009 remakes of Hammer’s biggest hits.

This is not our project, but I though it was very cool that he did this, so I wanted to share it with everyone. If you have a moment please check it out/download it for free (he even gave our upcoming series a plug). Mick’s blog was featured on Vibe’s Top 50 Blog List, so this is great exposure for A&E. We're working hard on this show, so I hope you all check in out when it premieres on June 14th. Even if you don't like Hammer, do it for me ;)

- Waterfalls are an awesome piece of nature.

- Love is worth having only if you're loved for who you are.

- Disney Pixar's Up was great movie...the first 10-15 minutes were deep...told a touching story.

- Is it possible to find the right thing at the wrong time?

- Flop, Turn, River...I wish I knew how to play poker...just to say I know how to.

- same with chess.

- Strawberries...mmmmm!

- The Legendary Roots Picnic is this coming Saturday (6/6) at Penn's Landing in Philly and I won't be there. Public Enemy and Santigold are performing too, along with many more. It's supposed to be a great weekend, so if you're in Philly, go check it for me...dagnabbit!

The 2009 NBA Finals begin tonight!



- I don't really care who wins, I just hope for a great series. And just to show that there's no hard feelings:



LOL!!

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

I have a guest! He's new to the blog family, but I challenged him to write for me today - so let's see what he's got! He beat Annamaria being first yesterday - so Annamaria, be nice!

If you've been following the NBA Finals, or are a basketball fan in general, you'll appreciate this blog (Unless you're a Kobe hater....like myself) :) This is a great read, and I may even be swayed....MAYBE :-)

He has a lot of aliases, but I'll simply introduce him as DMoe. Show him some love y'all! oh...and Rameer...feel free to re-post :-)

LiKOBElity...by DMoe.

Good morning everyone...

Since I'm new to the blog, I gotta tell ya'll how cool it is to read everybody's thoughts on here...

I'm a blogger in another world, but I was glad to accept the challenge of guest writing here in Brooke's spot.

The topic I chose today is a corner where Sports intersects a societal matter of acceptance. And on this eve of the NBA finals, before the proverbial light turns green at this corner, there's no better time to engage the fellas with the "sporting" side of the story, while ringing the ladies' bell for the "societal" matter at hand.

With that being said, I'm sure everyone has said the title slowly to themselves a few times by now….I coin this concept "LI-KO-BE-LITY."

Basically, this concept of "likobelity" is exactly as it reads...One's "ability to Like Kobe" (Bryant).

I possess this ability cuz I'm a fan of the player he is, and some other fan-type folks have that ability also - Lakers' fans (male/female) most definitely have it, and as a matter of fact, they are connoisseurs at it. Of course we all are, when the subject in question is on OUR team, but let's continue...

Here's where we're going: A deep dive right into exactly how this concept lives, breathes, and rears its ugly head at a moment's notice.

So...As I watch the games of these NBA playoffs, I've found myself in the constant company of "Kobe/Laker Haters."

We know the routine:

Dmoe: "Are you a Jazz/Rockets/Nuggets fan?"
Hater: "No, I just don’t like Kobe"

I almost always oblige the next, hilarious phase of the convo. The consistent, hazy response as to exactly WHY they don’t like Kobe and/or the Lakers. It never varies, and the answers are almost profoundly uniform...

Here's the list of my fave 5 Kobe Hate reasons. (Picture 5 little Kobe faces on a T-mobile phone...Or better yet, I made my own Fave 5 right here. Enjoy!!!!)



5. "He's a punk!"
4. "He was out there doin’ his thing with the white chick and BAM! Good for his azz."
3. "He's arrogant!"
2. "He pulled a b***ch move on Shaq!"

And my all-time favorite...

1. "I just don't like Kobe...He rubs me the wrong way!"

Listing these in order of least to greatest, its pretty easy to determine the varying degrees of the emotional blindness/paralysis that limits one's ability to see the Kobe Bryant point here in 2009: He's the BEST on the basketball court.

Notice – Items 1 through 5 had NOTHING to do with his blossoming talent as a basketball player. Absolutely nothing. Blossoming you say? Yes indeed. The kind of blossoming cultivated by thousands of jumpers in empty gyms, hundreds of free throws, and dozens of bench presses and deadlifts in the weight room day after day. He worked at it. Mr.Bryant was a decent player in the early days. But these days? You can smell what he’s cookin’ every time he steps on the floor. All the while, other players are out shooting commercials, buying rims for the Maybach, making constant cameos at the Tattoo parlor (aka the Denver Thuggets – lol, that’s copyrighted, so don’t even think about jackin’ it), signing cats to their labels, and playing celebrity Pro-Am golf tourneys. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with the expansion of one's personal empire with such ventures - its just that Kobe focused on one thing, and it shows.

Now...Back to those words. Blossoming. Cultivated. Those are words associated with the kind of growth we see in rose bushes. You know roses well. Those sustaining, timeless flowers filled with ---- (gulp) thorns. The rose is the "standard" by which flower-bearing is set. Whether you like the aroma or not, we all are pretty sure roses got a bad rap for sticking somebody with the pointy thorn (or rubbing somebody the wrong way) --- but ended up becoming ----- definitive.

That's right. Definitive. Kobe's "blossoming" was a result of tireless "cultivation." And as a result, he has become the "definitive" player in professional basketball today. No slight to all the other names that will be tossed at him besides Lebron. But - the kid from Lower Merion High School is 9 times all-defense and dropping 30 per night. That speaks loudly.

I'm sure you're all up on your hoops lingo, but that’s basketball talk for "doin it all." Kobe's checking your best player and serving facials on the other end at a moment's notice. We all know it. That's the thing. EVERYBODY knows it. Haters scoff at his fadeaway, and "teeth smacks" fill the room when he sinks the free throws after the hard foul he just took to seal the deal late in a game. But for all we watch him do, its never enough for people who quite simply operate on the "torn drawers" principle.

Not familiar? Take this quick quiz: Ever kept ONE pair of torn drawers? Nope. Not one. Once they're torn, they're done. You throw 'em away - gone forever...

Well, my sports just doesn’t work like that. Moreover, my humanity doesn't work like that. He was humbled, contrite, asked for forgiveness, lost all the endorsements, got tried in the courts, and suffered the greatest loss: the loss of integrity and trust at his crib.

Does Kobe need to pay some higher toll for the Haters to be appeased?

Well, as one who is not without sin, and subsequently not throwing stones, here's where I stand:

Kobe's hard work, subsequent passion/dedication to the craft, attention to being the best, and overall winning attitude should at the very least count for something...

(wait for it…………………………………………………)

Here it comes people………(wait for it)………………………………

Forgiveness.

As a black man, I'm here to tell you. The answer is No, we're not above the rules. We get no passes, but it takes a certain spirit to go beyond a past mistake (and the shame involved) to consciously say, "I'm going to move past this, and be the best I can be at THIS thing."

That returns us back to the original "LIKOBELITY"...Some of us are just plain jaded by his younger foolishness and simply CAN'T forgive him. We just don’t know how to move on. The rape trial, the subsequent apology from that infamous press conference, the bus that landed on Shaq, and some b-ball court displays here and there where (upon further review) we may have said/did something a bit different for image's sake after a bit more maturation. And that’s just it...We have watched him grow the entire time - from THAT dude a while back, to THIS player right now...

Wow...I’ll tell you what...

If America had a camera's eye on any of us from age 18 to the age of 27, I'll let you fill in your own "foolishness blank" here:__________________________________

Yet, Kobe's drawbacks as listed above seem to not allow us to fully grasp the basketball greatness we are actually "witnessing" in this era. As a matter of fact, 4 of the 5 items on that list are ALL related to the rape allegation...Imagine that. Personally, I love the "arrogant" thing. Its my favorite. That whole mantra is completely subjective, and the men on this blog know it all too well.

DYK?? You can't actually BE arrogant. Somebody has to think you are. Awesome. Quite simply – That’s awesome. Moreover, hang your head and your labeled one type of dude. Hold your head "too high" in some people's eyes, and you become another type of dude. But hey, that’s another blog topic.

Mind you, I neither condone nor approve of many of the aspects involved in Kobe's past. Throwing anyone under the bus to save your own azz --- is wack. Period. Nuff said. However, I'd like to hear from someone on this blog who HAS NOT done SOMETHING they've come to regret in the name of foolishness, youth, emotional ideas, not thinking, etc. and the “reason” list goes on and on to da like break o’ dawn...

As is the custom, I'll leave you yet another blank for you to fill in your own past idiot moves here: ___________________________________________

Point being: None of us are beyond reproach. The only difference in the circumstance with athletes, celebs, public figures and politicians, is the fact that they live in a bubble. A clear, acrylic bubble we can see clearly through at a moment's notice. However, they are no more man or woman than us, and neither are their "soap opera moments"...But therein lies the whole tragic point...

When it's somebody we can identify with, or are cool with, we allow a little wiggle room for foolishness. Of course some of us may not admit this, but our beloved Micheal Jordan was exactly the kind of "a**hole" we’ve seen Kobe be on the floor to a teammate. Off the floor of course, “his Airness” had no rape trial. There was no putting Shaq's biz in the street, no white chick in the Rockies, and so on. Capisce?

Bill Clinton? Got love - and STILL gets love to this day despite lying to "us" directly. But hey, he's a cool dude. Ever since he played the Sax solo on Arsenio, kid could do no wrong. Impeachment? Please. He's the blackest white dude we know! Cool as hell!

There are dozens of examples, and feel free to list your own in your responses. But the point is...People we like in our minds receive "preferential foolishness treatment." Call it the Victor Newman rule. No matter how many people Victor screws over in the course of the "Young & the Restless" lengthy TV run, some of us just keep rooting for him cuz Vic's just a cool-azz dude. And yes, there are others...

Which leads me to this final point. Since the NBA finals will be (as my french friends from France would say)....."Sans Lebron"...

Had Kobe pulled a similar Lebron-bolting-after-the-loss stunt/exit from the Orlando arena, mouths would be flapping full of disgust and contempt for him based on harbored hostilities that only needed something new to climb onto....You don’t have to admit, but - you know.

I'm a sucker for comebacks people. What can I say? I dig the redemption. I'm actually rooting for Kobe to get a ring.

Cuz after all, he's just a man...and we all deserve the chance for redemption.

Like these people:

1. Mike Tyson - after "whichever" jail stint
2. Whitney Houston - after Bobby (TBD)
3. Roy Jones - after "whichever" knockout
4. Michael Jordan - after baseball
5. Michael Jackson (TBD)
6. Kobe Bryant - Post-Colorado

And just like I've rooted for these others, Kobe deserves credit for hard work and above all.........forgiveness.

Thanks for your time.

Your thoughts, opinions and comments are not only welcomed, but invited.

DMoe aka Jules bka Ernest Forgivens

Happy TMI Tuesday!

So, you know what it is...let's get started.

Since some of you are a bit shy on TMI Tuesday, let me start off by asking a question: Are you a selfish lover?

Personally, I can say I'm not. I LOVE pleasing my partner. And I try to do it just as enthusiastically the 100th time as I did the very first time we had sex....assuming there is a 100th time ;-) Seeing, feeling, experiencing my partner being pleased is my enjoyment. I'll do just about anything possible to make sure my man is taken care of.

Someone I know refers to making sure your partner is satisfied as "paying the bills." This someone was good at it too...the electric bill, gas bill, cable bill, rent, car note - you name it! I'm multi-orgasmic, so to me that was.....wait...hold on...

Whew! Flashbacks....sorry.

**fanning myself***

anyway...

But occasionally we all become "that lover." I do, he does, we all do. You know - "that lover" that sits back and just allows him or herself to be pleased. I got you this time, you get me next time. It's okay to be a little selfish sometimes.

But when being erotically egocentric isn’t the exception to the rule, having a selfish lover can be a bit of a problem. Is he like Bernie Mac?



Three minutes? I know they say, "to give is to receive," - I get that. But supporting a partner's selfish habit gets really old really fast.

Now, if I'm making him feel THAT good, it’s hard for me to fault my man for being self-consumed during sex. After all, it’s a bit of a compliment — a sign that he must be having a really good time, I just feel that good and I'm handling my bidness ;)

It’s sweet...until you realize that you’re the one always left hanging. Can I get some help here?

Selfishness happens. But when it’s a habit, how do you handle a selfish lover?

I think people can be selfish lovers for different reasons. So dealing with this intimacy killer is going to come down to the type of situation you’re fielding ...

Scenario: Your lover doesn’t know how to give good sex.

Some people just don’t know how to have good sex - or at least not with you. Sexually ignorant, they think it’s ok to focus on the themselves. In this case, a "show and tell," with explicit explanations, is in order. Maybe while your partner watches, you can pleasure yourself. For women, I don't think it'll be hard to make him pay attention - men being visual creatures and all. Eventually they'll want to take over, so just take their hands and place them over yours at first and then let go and let them continue. Personally, I love taking a man's hand in mine and guiding him, or even following him if he knows what he's doing - it's sexy as hell to do it together.

Men, you can do the same thing although I'm not quite sure how you show her what you like on yourself. I'll let Fury or one of my other male commenters chime in on that one.

Scenario: Your partner won’t reciprocate.

Your lover gladly accepts oral sex, but return the favor? — no way. How should you respond? The next time your lover makes a request, respond with, "Okay, but me first!" If you don’t get what you want, go on strike.

Okay, I kid...well...not really...but I kid...(not really)

Find out why he (or she) won't.

Is it because she thinks it's uncleanly or nasty? Is it because he's not sure how to do it? He doesn't like it down there? If you find out the reasons why your partner won't reciprocate, then that may help determine their selfishness, and you can work through it.

For example, if he thinks it's not "clean", then make sure your sh*t is right. Take a nice, long, hot bath together (or shower if you don't have time) and wash each other. You'll be relaxed, smelling all fresh and fruity :-) If she thinks it's nasty, then find some chocolate syrup, honey, whipped cream, whatever it is she likes and make her a sundae. This way it's like dessert instead of fighting a gag reflex. Just don't get too excited and "help" her by grabbing the back of her head...baby steps.

Scenario: Your lover can’t wait to get to home plate.

Caught up in the excitement of a pending orgasm, it can be all too easy to focus on the destination, forgetting about the ride. This goal-oriented lover needs to learn the importance of foreplay in building both sexual response and intimacy. You can start the process by being a tease, making your partner wait for the next pitch. For example - slow down, stop, and then ask for a sensual massage. Don't wait til his toes are already curled up though...cuz it's too late :-)

If your lover doesn’t respect your needs, and continues to rush, bolster your efforts by stressing that togetherness makes for the grand slam. Yes, it can be fun to hit a solo home run, but it's even more satisfying when there are others on base.

Scenario: Your partner could care less about pleasing you.

I saved the diciest for last, since working through this one requires the most work. If you’re involved with someone who isn’t into mutual pleasuring, then tell him to kick rocks - there’s a lot more fun to be had in grabbing your favorite "devices" and Duracell's and hanging a "Do Not Disturb" sign on your bedroom door. If the energy you’re putting out is depreciating in returns, save it for yourself. BOB never disappoints.

As for a man with a selfish partner, chances are he'll find someone else who'll do what you won't. Sorry ladies, just putting that out there.

It's easy to get spoiled if sex is a one way street and you're the beneficiary. If you have a spoiled partner, he or she will stay that way unless you speak up - otherwise it's your fault too. In having such a discussion, make the point that you feel that your partner isn’t engaged with you. Don’t come at it in an accusatory way saying, for example, "You’re only out for self during sex - you selfish bastard!" Your partner will feel under attack and likely shut down.

Instead, strive for a better response by sharing your emotions - "I feel like we’re not connecting when we have sex. I feel that my pleasure seems secondary."

A partner can't be expected to continually make sacrifices for the other. Acknowledge that you can understand that your lover gets incredibly excited by your abilities — after all, you know you puts it down! But outline the terms of your equal erotic rights campaign, stating your needs specifically.

If your partner seems unsympathetic, bring out the big guns. Nothing gets a lover listening more than, "I think I'ma call Tyrone."

Okay, don't do that...you might get choked out.

Most women would prefer their man to getting their "buzz" on, so make sure you let him know that nothing or no one can please you like he can. Men, tell your woman the same thing. Everyone wants to feel wanted and simply letting your partner know that they're desired is usually all you have to do to get the attention you’re after. Most people aren't THAT selfish that they wouldn't take such matters very personally - so knowing your performance is substandard may be all the motivation needed.

In any of these cases, as you retrain your partner, you want to reward good deeds. (Note: "ooo’s," "ahhhh’s" and "sexy gasps" are quite effective :-) Other erotic awards should be based on what your lover enjoys, such as a nice rubdown during afterplay. Once selfish lovers realize that a pleasure shared is doubled, they’re likely to see that as the biggest prize.

-b

Happy Monday! I can't believe it's June already. This year is flying by!

Now if it would just get HOT outside I'd be all good! :-)

I'm tired today y'all. I got in from Philly late last night and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. I woke this morning wishing for at least one more hour. I was hoping there was someone I could reach out to to guest blog for me today (Craig has been MIA) because my brain wasn't functioning...still kinda isn't. I didn't have one thought about what I could blog about today...

...until...

I get on the train.

I turn on my iPod and close my eyes so that I can rest...and get "Blame it on the Alcohol" out of my head. They always seem to play that song on the radio right before I leave the house.

Anyway, I'm sitting there...and you know how you can just "feel" someone looking at you? I open my eyes and look up. A woman is standing right in front of me staring me in my face. She's probably in her late 20's, with somewhat Latin features and bright eyes. Pretty girl. She's probably about my height, although I couldn't really tell because I was sitting down and she was standing up. She was dressed in "work clothes" - slacks, denim jacket, sandals. She kinda looked like...me....only with more fair skin.

I turn away from her glance - figured she just zoned out and I caught her looking. But when I turned back, she was still in my grill. Not really sure what to do, I grinned at her.

She says something...her lips are moving. She's talking to me.

"Excuse me?" I say since I had my music on. I turn down the volume but I don't take the earbuds out. I'm thinking to myself, "maybe I have something in my nose." :)

"Your nose is peeling," she says.

I tell her I know, that I got sunburned on my nose while I was on vacation. She asks where I went and I tell her. She proceeds to tell me that she's half Dominican and half Black.

That's nice.

So now she wants to strike up a conversation and I suddenly wished I had kept my eyes closed.

She tells me how nice my skin looks, asked me if I was a Latina, asked if I had fun, etc. I answer all her questions and thank her for the compliment.

"Beautiful smile you have," she says.

"Thanks."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

...huh?

"Uh...no."

"Shame."

...okay...this is weird.

The seat next to me opens up and she sits down. We suddenly have the attention of two guys standing to the side of me. Great.

"Would you like to hang out with me sometime?" she asks.

I have no idea what to say. I pretend like I don't hear her and the two guys are eyeballing me something fierce. I feel my face getting hot.

I guess she senses my uneasiness.

"I'm not a lesbian," she says laughing. The 2 guys look disappointed.

Up until that moment, I hadn’t assumed that she was, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to say at this point. I thought she might be embarrassed in retrospect by her bluntness and decided to try to defuse it with laughter.

"Neither am I," I say with a smile.

She then asks me, "do I look like one?"

What the hell? I guess I could have said that she didn't look like one - but is that a compliment? What do lesbians look like? I could have said "no, you don't look like a bull dyke"...but that's not right...right?

I just tell her that any woman could be a lesbian, that they don't have a "look." Although now I'm beginning to wonder if I have a "look" since I seem to get hit on by women more than any other woman I know.

My stop comes and I get up.

"So this is you..?" she says as I gather my bag.

"Yep!"

"So, can I get your number?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. You have a great Monday though."

She smiles and waves to me as I get off. The two guys smile and wave too, and they laugh and joke to themselves - something about "that is the best way to start off a Monday morning." They got jokes.

Oddly enough, I don't really feel totally weirded out by the whole thing. I think I was actually a bit flattered, even though she said she wasn't a lesbian. Whatever she was, she wasn't embarrassed, I wasn't embarrassed for her, and I'm not really sure I should have been. There are worse ways to get shut down, and I've been approached by WAY worse.

I'm a block away from work and a guy who works at the florist across the street yells out to me, "hey brown sugar, looking good!"

I smile and yell back "thank you!" I got compliments from a girl AND a guy this morning...and I'm smiling :) Guess that means I got it :) What a way to start off a Monday morning indeed :-)

-b