Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Happy Hump Day!

So as I laid stretched out in my bed this morning unable to rise from the warmth of my thick blanket, I turned up the volume on the radio to hear what the morning talent were discussing as one of the topics of the day.

Cheating...same ole same ole.

But it wasn't the typical, "Why do men/women cheat?" question. It was more along the lines of, "When you cheat, do you cheat UP or cheat DOWN?"


The theory was that women cheat UP and men cheat DOWN. After all, it's rarely argued that BOTH men and women cheat - no surprise there. However, they may cheat for different reasons. It's believed that women cheat for emotional reasons, and men cheat for physical reasons. Or women cheat out of spite or revenge, and men cheat out of convenience. We can discuss the reasons why all day long, but the cheating UP and cheating DOWN discussion is what intrigued me more.

One woman said the man she cheated on her fiance with was better looking, made more money and had a bigger "package." She said if she was going to risk losing her fiance, it might as well be with man who was worth it. The men, however, said they cheated down, because no one was as good as wifey at home....they just needed a physical release and the "down chick" was there.

So what say you? If any of you are bold enough to admit to cheating, when you did the deed, did you cheat UP or cheat down? If you want to get into the specifics of why you cheated, feel free. Since I know most of you WON'T admit to cheating, tell us if your "friend" cheated up or down and why :-)

Let's go!



BatMan said...


The Cable Guy said...

B, you know no one is ging to admit to cheating on your blog today, so you might as well change the subject - especially women!


I WILl admit to it. I've cheated before, but honestly, it wasn't out of a physical need or convenience. It was because I genuinely fell for someone else, and I wasn't getting what I needed emotionally out of my relationship. Not ALL men cheat just for sex. Some of us need/want more from our relationships too.

And I did cheat UP. The only problem was I lied to the girl I was cheating with about being in a relationship, so when she found out, she stopped seeing me. That taught me the lesson to BREAK UP with a woman before starting with another one. If I had done that, there's no telling if I'd be with the girl I cheated UP with or not.

I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. I did it, but I learned from it and I'd never do it again.

Stef said...

I heard that on the radio this morning and the one woman was just trifling cheating on her fiance! I say if you feel you can do better, then get out of your current relationship rather than cheat UP.

Men always seem to cheat DOWN, and then cry when they get caught and the woman they cheated with is never as good as wifey at home. Serves their assses right! LOL!

Jaz said...

I'm going to prove Cable Dude wrong by admitting to cheating. I'm not proud of it, but I DID cheat UP :-) Not that that makes it better, but why cheat if you're not going to get something better out of the deal?

Most men I know cheat out of convenience and for physical reasons becausee they're not getting the sex the way they want it at home. It's not right, but I understand it and I've also cheated for those reasons. It's hard when you're with someone great but the sex is just 'eh.' Now I know better and to break it off rather than cheat and hurt someone.

The Cable Guy said...

see B? Crickets :-)

Bunch of cheating cowards! LOL!

Annamaria said...

(Side Eye @ the Cable Guy)

I think everyone on this blog can safely say they've either cheated OR been cheated on at one time or another in life.

Like Jaz said it may just not be something we're proud of but the past is the past & as long as you grow & learn from your mistakes then it's all good.

Personally I think for the most part that men do have a tendancy to cheat down while women aim to cheat up..

Stephanie said...

In order to have perspective I think a large percent of people have played both sides of that coin by being the cheater or the one who has been cheated on.I know I have.
When I was single it never mattered to me whether I cheated up or down. The man at the time was just there to fulfill my sexual need or stroke my ego. When I was the cheater I never thought about the consequences of what could happen to the other person or how my cheating would effect me in the future. As they say "what goes around comes around", right?
What turned me around was when I had a verbal confrontation with someone's wifey. She wanted to talk and get all these details about what happened.At the time I just didn't have the heart to hurt her feelings and confirm that all the times her man lied to her he was having sex with me, and I told her exactly that.I felt she had been disrespected enough.Plus, I'm not stupid , she wanted to fight, but that shit was not going down. I agreed to meet her because I made that bed so I had to deal with it. Long story short she decide not to do it. We ended up meeting by accident about 6 months later at a public place where she was still with this guy. He introduced us and we finally had that talk. She looked at me and said "Now that I see you I get it. You are my mans flavor, he loves woman who like you."There was a strange look of relief on her face that I'll never forget or understand.She let me know her anger was never directed towards me but at her man.
When I was cheated on I was hurt like a mother fucker, but being that I had been a cheater in the past I had to swallow that bitter pill.That relationship was over immediately. As I grew older I grew a stronger sense of self and a conscience.When you do dirt you get dirt. I've learned when you cheat the only person you really play is yourself.Who needs that bad Karma on their hands anyway.Treat people the way you want to be treated.

A-buzz said...

***round of applause at Stephanie***

Serena W. said...

"When you do dirt you get dirt. I've learned when you cheat the only person you really play is yourself.Who needs that bad Karma on their hands anyway. Treat people the way you want to be treated."

Echo A-Buzz...bravo Stephanie! Some people just don't see it like this and they don't get that if you've cheated and start off a relationship dirty that eventually you will get dirt kicked back in your face.

As Cable Guy and Jaz said, just start it off clean. Why cheat? (As you can tell I'm not a cheater) but have been cheated on and it hurt like I don't know what. Gave a man so much for him to kick dirt in my face and in my opinion cheated down. The one thing that woman had on me was money. Money isn't everything is what I was taught. I was there for him when he was broke and when he started clocking figures he wanted a woman that had just as much financially.

Ah well...that was then and this is now (no regrets). Glad the past is the past and maybe one day he'll admit to being wrong for himself so he can have a clear mind and spirit...or maybe he won't...

Brooke said...

applause for Stephanie!

Everything you said is true. Nothing like learning the hard way, trust me...

The Cable Guy said...

I stand corrected! Stephanie gets the prize for today! Great response!

I can see why folks wouldn't want to own up to cheating, but it's part of growing and learning. None of us is perfect, we all make mistakes. Hell, some of us can probably even justify it. But at the end of the day, it comes down to if you can look yourself in the mirror or sleep at night.

I have some guy friends who cheat and find nothing wrong with it. To them it's just physical. I can't do that anymore, not when someone's feelings are involved. But that's just each his own.

Brooke said...

Cable Guy,

I know men who find nothing wrong with cheating either, because to them it's just sex. But the question is do they feel the risk is worth it? While they say there's nothing wrong with it, some of them would probably jump off the nearest bridge if their wife/girlfriend caught them cheating. THAT'S the question they need to ask themselves...thinking of the consequences.

Sometimes we can't see past the things we want, until we realize that what we wanted at the time isn't worth what we already have/had at home. In some cases it might be worth it, but most times it isn't.

I never cheated on a boyfriend, but I've been the one they've cheated with....not fun.

Courtney said...

Great post Stephanie! Kudos!

Brooke, I've been the one who they cheated with too and you're right, it's not fun. Never believe them when they say they'll leave their girl/wife for you. They don't. It doesn't feel good to be the one they dated DOWN with.

Annamaria said...

@Brooke..those same dudes would also probably jump off a bridge IF their wife/girlfriend cheated on them..Like someone said treat others how you want to be treated.

Brooke said...


One guy DID leave his wife for me. I didn't know he was married until his wife came up to me at my job. Mind you, I had been to his house, had all of his numbers, never snuck around, so I was stunned to learn he was married.

She was calm, very polite and said the same thing Stephanie wrote - that she could see why he wanted me because I was his type. She was pale, short and skinny, and he liked tall, brown curvy women. She had taken the bus to my job, so I offered her a ride home and she was surprised I knew the way to her house without her telling me.

I told her I'd been to her home, called her home several times and wondered how she just now figured out he was seeing me (dated for only about 3 months). Turned out she was in the military adn was stationed somewhere else. Go figure.

So we get there, he opens the door and his jaw drops when he sees me. Suddenly, this nice woman turns into the hulk and demands he tell me that I was just a fling and he had no feelings for me.

He looks her dead in the face and says "I can't, I love her." Next thing I know she slaps the shiznit out of him and throws herself on the floor crying. Needless to say I bounced up outta there quick.

The next day he shows up to my apartment with a suitcase talking about "can we get a dog?" I said "so she kicked you out?" He tells me she begged him to stay, but he wanted to be with me and that I was a step UP from her. I thought he was lying until she called my house looking for him begging me to tell him to come back to her. Pure drama.

As you can guess, I didn't take him in or continue to see him. But it DOES happen...some men DO leave their wives/girls when they THINK they're getting an upgrade.

Just ask Steve Harvey...or his ex-wife.

Jay said...

Damn, that's quite a story! And yes, it does happen. One of my boys did that and he's happily married today. Sometimes the upgrade is simply what the heart wants. Not saying cheating is right, but it's possible to fall into the right thing the wrong way.

I've never cheated, but every time I was tempted to, it was for someone I thought would be worth the risk. I could never cheat "down" because it wouldn't be worth it to me.

Stephanie said...

@ Brooke, WOW,The shit we go through.Kudos.Nothing hurts more then when someone is trying to better deal you.I feel if you find someone better than me and you want to leave then go. Just have enough respect for me to tell me the truth to my face.

Serena W. said...

So you wanted to start writing your book Brooke...there is the opening page! Wow...who knew.

Brooke said...

@Stephanie and Serena,

That was one of the craziest, most bizarre experiences I've ever had. I couldn't believe it. He actually thought I'd be flattered that I was the "upgrade." Unbelievable.

And this guy's last name was Brooker. Can you imagine if I had stayed with him and married him? Brooke Brooker...LMAO!

Courtney said...

Brooke Brooker! LMAO!!

Wow, that is SOME STORY! You're the only person I know who had a man leave his wife for the other woman.

You're better than me though because I wouldn't have offered that woman a ride. she might have killed me!

Annamaria said...

@Courtney...No offering her a ride was smart.. that chick was probably scared of Brooke.. She was like this crazy lady is offering me a ride home to my own house??? WTF is going on!

Stephanie said...

Brooke Brooker,Nah that doesn't sound

Brooke said...

@Courtney and Annamaria,

I, for some reason, didn't feel threatened by her. Probably because I was only 22 or 23 years old at the time and didn't know any better :) She came off as a nice woman, she didn't curse me, didn't jump fly in my face...none of that. It wasn't until we got to her place that she flipped on everyone. Which I totally understand. I knew she didn't expect him to say that he had feelings for me so I'm sure it took her by it did me. I literally gasped when he said that because I just KNEW she'd go off on him and I was looking for the nearest exit.

If I was in that same situation now, I would do things a lot differently. I was young and clearly out of my mind then :-) yes, Brooke Brooker sounds crazy!

Serena W. said...

I'll be waiting for the book to come out!

Rameer The Circumstance said...

I'm late to the party - but I know PLENTY of dudes who cheated UP. PLENTY. In fact, most dudes I know (who cheat are have cheated) actually think what's the point of cheating if you're not going to cheat with someone at least on-par with what you have, if not better?

Me personally - cheated once in my life. And the cause wasn't cuz I saw something I wanted more - my girl had cheated on ME (only time I know of that I've ever been cheated on) and though we had supposedly moved on and it was months later, I felt like I needed payback. This girl I knew wanted me...BAD. I knew not to put myself in a position to be alone with her, or to do anything to lead her on. One night, she called as I was driving home from work, and told me to stop by. I did - and things happened.

Thing is, I felt no satisfaction or payback after doing it. I just felt like CRAP. I felt crummy. I felt like a liar, which is a big deal for me - I DETEST lying and liars. But I didn't tell my girl. I kept it to myself, in order to tell her at a much later date - to hurt her as she hurt me. I told her a few months after we eventually broke up (about almost a year later). She was STUNNED - she didn't think I could ever cheat on anyone. Neither did I.

I never cheated before that situation, and have never cheated after. I'd never cheat again, and I'm someone who could've cheated easily at any point in my life, from my teen years until now. I don't believe in the concept, and trying it once made me think of cheaters as selfish, WACK people. Which I was for that one situation...and I felt like so little of a man, I could never do that to someone - or myself - again.

The Cable Guy said...

that's real talk Rameer. I feel you, I agree totally.

Anonymous said...

I've cheated, been the one cheated on, AND the one cheated with. None of it is a good look.

When I cheated, it was out of revenge because they cheated on me. So I can relate to Rameer's story. And like he said, I didn't get any satisfaction out of it, it just made me feel worse after a while. While I was doing it, I was thrilled cuz I thought I was "getting him back." But in the end, it didn't even really hurt him. He said he was hurt, but for him to truly feel that way, he would have had to care about ME, not his ego, and if he cared about me, he would have never cheated in the first I played myself.

When I was cheated on, I felt devastated and wondered what it was about me that wasn't good enough. But like someone said, if you feel someone is better than me, then go her. No love lost here.

When I was the one they cheated WITH, I felt like I was the "better woman" at first, cuz they chose me and if they're girl/wife was handling her business, then he wouldn't be with me. But most times, it was just the sex they wanted, not ME. None of them ever even promised to leave their girls for me, so I can't even use that as an excuse. After a while I had to stop because I was closing myself off to available men who might actually want me for me.

Whether cheating up or down, all of it is bad. I had to learn that the hard way.

Anonymous said...

I have been cheated on.. unfortunately.. And it hurts big time especially when you hold a person up on a pedastel. I was so good to this man , and exceoted all his flaws.. And did everything I could to make him happy, to cookingr ove , cleaning, dressing up into alter egos, and give him mind blowing sex, be his best friend, someone to listen to him vent, and give advice when needed... Gave him praise and contiuously let him know he was always apperciated and never over looked. And what i got in return haunts me to this day.. I caught him cheating, actually in bed with another woman. I cant even begin to explain how it made me feel. Needless to say I didnt fight anyone, or put my hands on anyone, becuase of the soul fact i have respect for myself, and Im not going to jail over no BS.. But he begged for another chance.. And at the time I thought it would be easy to get past and we could fix what was broken... But here almost a year later.. I still think about it from time to time. And I often wish I hadnt taken him back... But as for Ms.Lady. She actually thought he was gonna leave me for her especially after everything hit the fan... ha ha ha ha... He blantantly let her know he had no intention ever of leaving me and he was an idiot for doing such a stupid thing and potentially ruining a great relationship with a wonderful woman...and YES he cheated DOWN... (No surprise) I can say that I have forgiven him for the incident. But there is a cloud of resentment. It changes you so much when someone betrays your trust on such a high level.

I have never cheated on any man I have been with. I always have been loyal. I dont have the heart and my conscious would eat me alive. I live to love , not hurt anyone.

I say if you feel the desire to cheat on your mate, then give them an option to exit. Atleast do then that much...

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