Monday, October 25, 2010
Happy Monday!
I'm not sure how many of you listen to Power 105.1 in the morning here in NYC, but Ed Lover basically "C'mon Son'd" Tyler Perry saying he should "just come out already."
Unless you've been living under a rock...or simply have no interest in anything Tyler Perry or Oprah (which is most men I suppose), then most of you know that Tyler Perry gave a gut wrenching interview on The Oprah Show on which he shared his traumatic story of sexual abuse at the hands of men and a woman.
He was between the ages of 5-10 when the abuse occurred - an age where most of us admittedly knew nothing about sex, and certainly were not able to consent to it. It's no wonder that anyone suffering sexual abuse at such a young age would grow up to be confused about their sexual orientation. Tyler Perry admitted to being confused, saying that he was forced to carry something in his heterosexual self that he did not want to carry. It's something he still grapples with to this day.
For years, many have wondered if Tyler Perry was straight or gay. After all, we rarely, if ever, see him with any women. He has no children. And he's a Hollywood powerhouse...which is basically code speak for "Gold-digger Magnet." Most men who have attained that sort of power are either married with children, or eligible bachelors with a different woman on their arm every week. But Tyler Perry is neither of those things. He's almost "asexual."
But even though Ed Lover "C'mon Son'd" him on the radio, he asked (almost to himself) why we CARE what he is. Why do we need "the confession?" Why do we have to know what Tyler Perry is?
If you are a woman who may potentially date him, then I can see asking the question. If you are a MAN with the potential to date him, I can see asking the question. But if you are a fan...or are NOT a fan, what difference does it make? Will you stop going to see his films if you find out that he's gay? Will we START watching his sitcoms if we find out that he's gay? Or will we just simply know now...just so we could say "I told you so." Or better yet, "I don't believe him."
Why do we have to know who the next person is sleeping with, or not sleeping with? Is it simply because he's a celebrity and we feel we have a "right" to know, or is it just something that comes with celebrity? Or do we wonder about everyone - regardless of status? Why do we care so much?
Personally, if he's not in my bed...then who he sleeps with, or doesn't sleep with, is none of my business. As long as he's healed and happy, that should be all that matters....but that doesn't seem to be the case. Why is that?
BONUS QUESTION: If you found out that a potential love interest suffered through sexual abuse at either the hands of a man or a woman, would you date them? Women: If a man told you that he was molested by a man, would you automatically assume he was gay and run in the other direction, or would you take a chance? Men: Same deal...would you care?
Let's hear it!
Go!
-b
14 comments:
FIRST BITCHES!
As for Tyler, Most people don't care they're just nosey. Then there are the gay rights activist that want Tyler to come out and champion the gay causes a la Lee Daniels , but with WAY more cache.
I said cache, but I'm not gay, promise.
Who Tyler sleeps with is his business, but I also think his coming out may do a small bit of help to helping those other down low guys come out which has ATL in such a crazy space right now. They're down low culture is absurd.
I'm known to "Save" people. so yes I'd date someone who has been abused, but really I'd hope they were getting professional help for it. In fact, I'd encourage it.
Where did FURY come from?? LOL!
Tyler Perry is probably gay, but doesn't know if he SHOULD be or not. And in the black community, it's frowned upon. I love his films, they make me laugh, even if they are predictable and formulaic. He writes his stuff for women, and I have no problem with that. I'm sure most men would disagree, but if I like it, I like it and I make no apologies for it. So if he turns out to be gay, it won't stop me from supporting him. I hope whatever he is, he's happy.
As for dating a man who was molested, I probably wouldn't do it. Not because I think he's gay, but because I'm not equipped to deal with the emotional baggage that person may have. Unless he's really gone thru therapy and really is healed from it, I can't see myself trying to save anyone. Relationships are hard enough as it is without throwing all that other heavy stuff in the mix. I just can't deal. Sorry.
I can't say that I watch Oprah religiously, but I did catch his interview on Oprah. What he said makes perfect sense, and his sense of confusion is understandable. Women expect men to be sex crazed animals who chase everything in sight, but in his case, he has more reasons than most to be careful and choose women wisely. Not just because of his fame, but because he should find a woman who can deal with his past and accept him...baggage and all, while not trying to "fix" him. Not an easy thing to do to say the least. I wish him well.
As for dating a woman who's been molested, I have before, and it was a lot to handle. She hadn't tried to deal with it before dating and confessing to me, so like Fury, I felt the need to save her. But I wasn't trained to handle that, and no matter how much I tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault and that she deserves to be loved, she couldn't hear it from me.
I'd probably date someone who has been through that, but only after they've sought help for it already. Otherwise, I don't think I would be able to do it.
We shouldn't care...but us "caring" is how tabloids, TMZ, MTO, etc. stay relevant. I think his sexuality is his business, and he should keep it that way. At this point, him choosing to acknowledge one "side" over the other wouldn't really be beneficial to his building empire. You us black folk are quick to judge.
And I've dated a guy that was sexually abused by a man as a child. He went to couseling, but he has alot of anger issues as well as women issues (b/c of his mother's reaction to it all) that are still unresolved--which lead to him having a hellified temper. He certainly wasn't gay though.
Agree...why should we care what his sexual preference is. Regardless he is gifted and whether he is gay or straight it won't effect his gift.
I have dated someone that was sexually abused and it haunted him. I prayed for him often because he didn't seek professional help (at least when we were together) and it crept into our relationship. He was a ticking time bomb. Although gifted his haunting past which was no fault of his own got in his way.
I still pray for him even though we aren't even friends any more.
America is nosey and I wish they would leave Tyler alone.
Fury you get tased...LOL
Anywho. I did think someone on Power 105(I can't remember who said it) had an interesting point. They said Tyler Perry probably is gay BUT doesn't want to come out because he doesn't want to be the poster child for gays OR let his sexuality be who he is. We do tend to do that. Once someone is out the closet EVERYTHING they do is either because they are gay OR is scrunitized because of their sexuality... if they are successful like Mr. Perry gays everywhere use them as a poster child. So in his case he may be better off just leaving it one big question mark. At the end of the day it isn't anyone's business....
I wouldn't necessarily RUN from someone who hhad been molested in the past BUT I'd have to take lots into consideration such as if they have gone to counseling or currently in counseling... etc etc.. I wouldn't necessarily fear for myself BUT I'd be a lil hesitant to procreate with that person unless i was comfortable with where they were in life.
I knew 2 men who were molested by grown women, but they didn't see it that way.
I asked them both at what age did they lose their virginity. The one said 9, the other one said 10. So of course my next question was, "how old were the girls?"
I didn't think they were going say 19 and "30 something" when they responded. I thought they were going to say 10 or 12 at the most...in which case I was going to say that they proabably didn't "really" have sex. But when they both said these grown women took their virginity and told me what they did to them, I was floored.
But the kicker was they didn't see it as rape or molestation, because they claim they "wanted" to - even though I can't see how a child would "want" to have sex at age 9 or 10. But even if they DID want to, these women were grownups and should have been the adults who KNEW BETTER.
It was such a delicate situation, because here I was feeling sorry and traumatized for them, while they were sitting there telling me the story like they were studs or something.
Men feel that because they are the "penetrator", then they are the dominant ones, that they couldn't be molested because somehow being the penetrator makes them a man. Neither one of those two men felt that anything was wrong with them and don't feel that they were molested or raped in any way...so in that case, would it still be okay to date them if there is no trauma? Or do you think they blocked it out or somehow shielded themselves from anything traumatic associated with molestation?
Tyler Perry is huge in the black church. If he is gay, I'm sure that plays a big factor in him staying closeted, since the church is so homophobic (usually).
Wow, Brooke that's heavy.
Men take pride in being MEN. So I'm sure having sex with an "older woman" plays a big part in why they don't see themselves as having been raped or molested. On the one hand, it's almost good that they have this mindset, so that it doesn't affect them as far as the shame that comes with rape or molestation, but they could be subconsciously acting out without even realizing it. I don't know them obviously, so who's to say, but this "macho" attitude of theirs could actually be saving them from suffering through the trauma that Tyler Perry and others have suffered through.
Did they seem "okay" to you?
Yolanda is right. Most men who are into the Church keep that hidden because of how homophobic the Church is, especially the BLACK church. What is so ironic about that to me is how OBVIOUS it is in MOST churches who the gay men are. Just start with the choir director. I'm generalizing, but you get the idea.
In my church, there are at least 10 men who most of the members assume are gay...and they all sing in the choir front and center every Sunday. But because they haven't come OUT, then everyone turns a blind eye to it. But if these men were to ever admit to being gay, all hell would break loose, even though they're simply admitting what we already know. I guess the same could be said for Tyler Perry.
But after seeing his interview, I'm not sure that I think he's gay. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks, but I simply think he's a man who was sexually traumatized, so he's still trying to figure out what is going on. He has always claimed to be heterosexual, so who are we to say he isn't? If he says he is, then all we can do is take him at his word and either continue to support him or not.
@Brooke,
As for the two men that you know, unfortunatly I too know alot of men who had sex young with their baby sitters, or a much older classmate, but they see nothing wrong with it. As adults, we should be more responsible, and those women should have known better. They're just as much sexual predators as a man would be on a little girl. Unfortunately society doesn't see that way all the time, but it's turning around. Now more women are going to jail for raping young boys - who are usually their students. I hope these men are emotionally and sexually stable even after being raped by these women.
@Jay,
These were men I knew casually, so I can't really speak to how they operated in relationships, or sexually, etc. They both were very MANLY men, whatever that means, and they LOVED women. One had been married and had 4 kids, the other one had a son. As far as I could tell, they didn't have any major issues that were glaring, but then again I was never in a relationship with either...so it's hard to say.
@Courtney,
I agree...just ask the Mary Kay LeTourneau's of the world if it's turning around. I remember wanting to give them a hug because I felt so bad for them, meanwhile they're looking at me like "what's YOUR problem, I'm the MAN!" It was strange and sad...I didn't know how to react. I think this happens way more than we think it does, but men don't seem to be as traumatized by sexual abuse at the hands of a woman, only if the abuse happened from a man...or so it seems anyway.
@Annamaria - It is a pleasure to be tased.
@Stef - I am not joking when I say being first today was on my to do list. LOL
Brooke laid down some heavy material. While I have had sexual contact and sex at a younger age it was with peers (not knowing what the hell we really were dong). The grown woman thing...that is crazy.
I understand the concept of men believing they are dominant, but in those cases it was most definitely horribly wrong.
Wow B, that is NUTS.
I had sex young too, but like Fury, it was with a girl my age, not a grown woman. I don't think I wanted to have sex with an older woman until I was in high school - and it was mostly a crush on my teachers. But even then I knew having sex with my teacher would be wrong, even if I "wanted" to.
If a babysitter or teacher had sex with my son, the bitch would be dead and I'd be in jail. I don't care if it's a man or a woman, whoever it is would die if they touched my son.
As for dating a woman who has been sexually abused, I have done it, but I never knew about it until after were had broken up. I was surpirsed in all instances except one, where it wasn't until after I learned of the abuse that her behavior finally made sense to me. She was always asking me why I was with her, why her, how could I like her because she didn't feel she was pretty enough, or smart enough. She had serious self esteem issues that eventually was the cause of our breakup. It wasn't until she told me later that she had been abused by a family member that it made sense to me. I felt sorry for her, and she asked me for another chance, but I couldn't do it. She was way too damaged for me to be able to love or help her. She had to get over that first before she could be with anyone, but she was starved for love but didn't love herself. It was sad.
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