Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

Sorry I didn't have a chance to blog yesterday, but I got stuck at an offsite meeting all day. And since I have no takers for a guest blogger for Friday, I won't be blogging tomorrow either :-( But Fury will be in full effect on TMI Tuesday!

- My brain is already in DR - I'm so excited!

- Work has been kicking my ass this week! My vacation can't come soon enough.

- This oil spill is out of control. Why wouldn't these oil companies have practices in place to deal with possible catastrophes? Unbelievable. I hope this plug works.

- What's up with the Celtics v. Magic series? I didn't watch all of the game, but from what I could see of it...there's some shady goings on here. Forced game 6? Or do the Magic really want it?

- Do people still care about American Idol? Who should replace Simon?

- Speaking of American Idol, did y'all see Janet?



She killed it. And she's rockin' the short do...Fabulous or Fail? - as the ladies on Witches Brew would ask :-)

- There's no way Brett Michaels should have beaten Holly Robinson Peete on Celebrity Apprentice. I can say that and I didn't even watch that show. He got the pity vote.

- Nicole Scherzinger, on the other hand, TOTALLY deserved to win Dancing with the Stars. But she has had dance experience, although it's not ballroom dance. Do you think it's fair that entertainers can compete on DWTS, or should they be allowed to perform if they've never been FORMALLY trained in dance, particularly ballroom dance?

- And here is Brian's Random Thoughts Thursday Throwback:



Go!

-b

Happy Tuesday!

So...today's question of the day has to do with a term I heard on the radio this morning. The morning talent on Hot 97 did an interview with T.I., and one thing that struck me as interesting was T.I. saying he loves a "respectable freak." He took it one step further and said:

"Nobody knows where the nose goes when the do's are closed."

I cracked up!

Now, some would argue that the words "respectable" and "freak" don't go together and shouldn't be used in the same sentence. But some would say that one could be a complete lady (or gentleman) in public while keeping it down and dirty behind closed doors.

So my question to you is: when do you show the freaky side of yourself without being perceived as a ho...or "non-respectable?" Do you bring out the freak right away, or do you keep it under wraps until your "respectable" side has already been established? Are the lines between "slutty" and "freaky" blurry..or are those descriptions totally different?

What say you?

Go!

-b

Happy Monday!

So...I have a question of the day - what do you all think of the 'outfit' Venus Williams wore in the French Open?

Some say that she's disgraceful for wearing flesh toned underpants to create the "illusion" of going commando. While the rules are different in France as far as what is appropriate clothing to wear while competing, some say she should be more respectful of the spectators and dress like a "professional" athlete rather than dressing a bit "risque." While most agree she is a celebrity, some feel she should save outfits like these for the red carpet rather than on the court.

Others, however, believe that as long as she is fully clothed (which she is), it shouldn't matter what she's wearing, and they feel that we should focus on her game rather than her clothes. Both Serena and Venus Williams are arguably the best female tennis players ever - and if they want to dress a certain way, whether it be for shock value or simply because it's their taste - we shouldn't care what they have on so long as they keep winning. If they're not breaking any rules, then tennis is all we should focus on.

So what do YOU think? Is Venus right for wearing what she feels comfortable in and is her personal taste, or is she risque for wearing something that gives the illusion of being bare bottomed? Or do you not care at all about what athletes wear while competing? Or the Williams sisters in general?

What say you?

Go!

-b

TGIF!

So a few folks have asked me to list the reasons why a man might unapproachable. I guess they felt I was being too hard on the ladies the other day, so to be fair...here is my list of reasons why a MAN might be considered unapproachable.

1. Most women find men unapproachable simply because they believe the man should do the approaching. Some women just naturally find men to be intimidating simply because they’re men. This isn’t the man’s fault, this is the woman’s narrow view…no way around it.

2. His wedding ring. Enough said. There are some women who couldn’t care less if a man is married, but for most, if he’s sporting a ring, an imprint of a ring or has a tan line on his ring finger, we can spot that a mile away and will turn the other way.

3. He has a child with him. I don’t know about you, but when I spot a man with a child, I automatically assume there’s a wife or baby’s mama lurking somewhere around the corner or at home. He might be a single dad, and some women find men who are out strolling with their kids to be an adorable sight...but most won’t approach out of respect...or FEAR...of the other woman.

4. We see him checking out every woman in sight. Sometimes I don’t even think men are aware of their wandering eyes. Some men simply can’t help but to size up a woman’s breasts or check out her booty. I think it’s involuntary :-) But we see YOU look at HER...and HER...and HER. If we think you’re a womanizer or perhaps a flirt, we might not want to step to you – or we might not think you’re checking for us...because you’d be checking us out too.

5. He’s loud/rowdy/cocky. We understand that you want to get attention, but there are ways to do it. Men (and women) who are loud and obnoxious and who are clear attention seekers are a turnoff. It’s also a sign of insecurity, which is never sexy. We want to approach the reserved, classy, humble man – not the one who’d make a scene if we said hello.

Okay...now for my Friday Sexy Survey!

1. It is rumored that Hank Baskett wants to divorce his wife Kendra because of the sex tape she made when she was 18. Who knows if this is true considering he married a Playboy Bunny who has posed nude (so why would he get mad at a sex tape?) – but my question to you all is this: Would you leave your partner if you found out he/she made a sex tape years before they met you? If not, what would be a deal breaker for you?

2. Have you ever been attracted to or had a crush on one of your friend’s parents? What would you do if one of your friends dated one of your parents? (LeBron) LOL!

3. Is good sex more about skill and technique, or does it have more to do with passion, chemistry or a “connection.”?

4. How would you rate yourself as a lover?

5. If you could re-sculpt any part of your body with free, safe, cosmetic surgery, would you? If so, which part(s)?

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

I'm sorry my posts have been getting later and later. My laptop at home has officially died on me, so I have to attempt to write my blogs from work. Being that they're treating me like my name is Kizzy, I barely have time to breathe, let alone think of something to blog about...and then actually write it. Once I get a new laptop, I'll be back in business!

So, yesterday, Monica and I were discussing women we know who wonder why men don't approach them. I mentioned a friend of mine who was always asking why men seem to gravitate towards me while they ignore her. She's smart, beautiful, and has a great body...so what could it be? I would say to her, "Maybe it's because you're always 'mean muggin' people. Smile!"

"Nah, that's not it," she'd say...snarling.

Oh well...I tried.

You'd be surprised how far a smile can go. Since I seem to be smiling all the time, perhaps that makes me a bit more approachable. I am by no means the most beautiful woman in the world, and I don't automatically assume all men will just come over and speak to me. I think sometimes the aura we give off has more to do with our inner spirit and happiness rather than our physical appearance - so women who depend solely on their looks are left baffled as to why men don't come sweep them off their feet.

But the reasons a man may not approach a woman are many more than a woman always giving the gas face. Here are some reasons I believe a woman may be unapproachable:

1. Looking Mean/Angry/Snobby - I touched on this already, but you'd be surprised how ugly a dime piece can look if she appears to be angry, have an attitude or is just plain arrogant. If you give off the appearance that you're too good to speak to anyone or that you'd be annoyed of a man stepped to you, then chances are you're driving him in the other direction. No one wants to speak to a person like that - man or woman. Having a smile on your face or at least appearing to be pleasant makes someone want to get to know you.

2. You look busy. If you're sitting on the train reading a book or doing work in the corner at Barnes & Noble or Starbucks with your face glued to your laptop, chances are he doesn't want to disturb you. However, if you're just chillin' at the bar or in a club without a care in the world, then he might find it easier to come over and talk to you.

3. He's intimidated. Not because he thinks you're too hot for him and out of his league - although a lot of men don't approach a woman for that reason as well. But sometimes he won't come up to you because you're with a group of women. A man told me once that it's easier to approach a woman when she's by herself or with one other woman than if she's with all 10 of her friends rolling deep in the spot. Now I'm not suggesting that a woman always venture out alone or with just one girlfriend, but if you go to the ladies room...do ALL of you have to go? If one of you goes to get a drink at the bar, do ALL 8 of you have to go too? Women who always travel in huge packs make it hard for a man to step to them because he doesn't want to be sized up by all of your friends. Step away for a sec and make yourself a little more available. If you can't seem to part from your friends, then that signals a bit of insecurity if you ask me. Step out of your comfort zone...your girls ain't going nowhere!

4. You're always with a dude. Sure, we love hangin' with our dirty, gay boyfriend...but if he's not flamboyant and flaming, then a man might not know if he's your man, if he's trying to be your man, is your brother, or your husband. Some women like going out with men more so than women, which is fine. Just make sure that that man isn't giving other men the impression that he's YOUR man. If you look taken, a guy won't step to you unless he's just bold...or a jerk.

5. You're drunk/sloppy/All over everyone. Some women go out and have TOO much fun. If you're drunk and dancing on tables, some men may consider that a turnoff. If you're up in every dude's face hanging all over them, then you look desperate, not "fun." And if you're dressed like a hooker, or your bra straps are showing along with too tight or inappropriate clothes hiked up your vajajay, then you just look sloppy...and in his eyes, just overall unattractive. Dressing like you have a pimp, and acting like less than a lady can make a man run faster than the po'po.

Feel free to add your own reasons why a woman may seem unapproachable to a man. And I'm sure these same reasons can apply to why a woman wouldn't step to a man. Let's hear it!

Go!

-b

Happy rainy Tuesday!

Dear Brookey,

I was hoping you could settle a dispute my boyfriend and I were having. We were debating what makes a person promiscuous. He thinks there's a number of sex partners attached, whereas I think you can't peg someone as promiscuous simply by the number of sexual partners they've had. Without giving up too much of our argument, we wanted to get your take on what makes a person promiscuous. I'm prepared to win this bet! Thanks!

-I'm right

Dear "I'm Right,"

Well, I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to this. To me, promiscuity isn't about how many sexual partners you have, but the psychology behind why someone might sleep with multiple people. I think promiscuity is also defined differently between the sexes, since it's very rare that men are considered promiscuous. A man might be a "player" or a "pimp" while a woman may be considered a "ho" or a "slut" - so the social stigma attached can be viewed in very different ways depending on who's doing the looking.

One could argue that a man or woman would be considered promiscuous after sleeping with their 10th partner, their 20th, their 75th, or their 100th partner. But all of this is relative. If you're 45 years old and have slept with 10 people, are you less promiscuous than someone who is 21 years old and has slept with 50? You could probably argue that that is true, but trying to attach a number to label someone promiscuous is a bit tricky when you're in the "not so high, not so low" numbers.

In my opinion, the number of sexual partners a person has had only tells half of the story. Promiscuity has been linked to some deep psychological experience or collection of experiences in one's life - or a period of their life - where sex without consequence works for them on some level. It could fill a lonely void, or some may deal with pain or anger by having sex with a lot of people with no attachments. There are several things that could lead to what is perceived to be promiscuous behavior:

- Being raised in a household where sex wasn't discussed or not included in education.
- Too much exposure, or too little exposure, to sex during one's early years in some way.
- Traumatic experiences early on with the opposite sex (or in some cases, the same sex).
- Intense loneliness in life and/or a desire to be accepted or loved.
- Being too trusting-or falling for guys too easily (women).
- Trying to compensate or not deal with other problems in life - financial, loss of job, a break-up, loss of a friend, etc.

Depending on what's going on in someone's life - promiscuity could be a short-term, temporary fix - or it could be a way of life. Again, promiscuity is something that is typically linked to women, simply because a man is believed to always want sex with as many women as he can have it with...so it would be considered "normal" behavior to sleep around. Men tend to have "promiscuous moments" or periods of promiscuity in their lives where it seems they can throw consequences out the window and get away with it without being labeled. It's not until they're having sex because they're feeling depressed or because they're hurt that it could be considered promiscuous - and usually meaningless sex would depress them more...like a drug.

But a woman who is considered promiscuous has a Scarlet Letter A emblazoned on her chest. She has a reputation, and she can rarely redeem herself from it or use the excuse that she was simply going through something in order to resurrect her good name. Even if a woman has never had a history of promiscuity, she's not allowed to indulge for fear of carrying that label with her. It's a double standard, but in some cases, it just is the way it is.

I'm not sure if this helped with your argument or not, but unless you both agree on what the definition of promiscuity is, there's definitely a grey area and many scenarios to put into play before you can label someone as promiscuous or not. It's a complex thing, and unless you understand the roots of promiscuity and know the person well, it's hard to make that assumption about anybody. There's a fine line between enjoying casual sex, and being promiscuous. One has a pejorative connotation, while the other just seems to imply freedom void of negative experiences.

Hopefully, the blog family can weigh in to give you their take on what makes a person promiscuous and if it's a lot deeper than just a number. I don't know if there is a "winner" to this debate, since the topic at hand is a complicated one. But let me know who...uh..."won"! LOL!

-b

Happy Monday!

Ladies and Gents - tell me what you think of this story:

HACKETTSTOWN -- A New Jersey college valedictorian had a special graduation gift for her boyfriend - a wedding proposal, which he accepted.

Moments after finishing her speech Saturday at the Centenary College commencement, Emily Hawley called fellow graduate Josh Walker to the stage. She then popped the question, drawing loud roars from fellow graduates.

Hawley didn't have a ring to give Walker and didn't get down on one knee. She tells the Daily Record newspaper of Parsippany her proposal was "nontraditional enough." Walker admits being caught off guard but says he didn't mind.

Hawley and Walker are Maine residents who've dated since they were sophomores in high school seven years ago. They haven't set a wedding date.

I saw the video of this story on my local ABC affiliate station here in NYC. I thought it was cute, but wondered why it was so news worthy. Was it because a woman was proposing to a man? Or was it because she was proposing to him in such a public way?

Let's face it - most women want their man to propose to them - not because society says so or because that's the traditional way it's done - even that's true for the most part. But MOST women want their man to propose to them because that lets them know that he's ready. In the case of the cap and gown proposal, they dated for 7 years, so perhaps she was sure he'd say yes. But that could have easily gone wrong...and a rejection at a graduation would have left her stinging for a LONG time.

As liberal and independent as women are these days, most women would never propose for fear of rejection - so that was a big chance she took asking him in front of all those people. But do you think public proposals like that ensure a "yes" response? Even if he wasn't ready and wanted to turn down her proposal, do you think he would have embarrassed her in front of her classmates by saying "no?" We can only wonder.

But men, just like women, fear rejection too - though most men get enough clues from their sweetheart regarding marriage that he's pretty sure she'd say yes. After all, all women are ready for marriage, right? That's the belief at least. Most men believe that women come out of the womb wearing a white dress and a veil with a bouquet in her hands. But that's not true...at all. For the most part, most men (and women) feel that women are just naturally ready to settle down at any given moment, and will gladly say yes when their boo kneels down on one knee.

This may make it a bit easier for a man to propose, but what if he wants to get married and is afraid to ask? In that case, should the woman step up and do the asking? If he's afraid to ask, does that automatically mean that he's unsure or not ready...or does he just need a little push? I would assume that marriage would have been discussed long before a woman proposes - so chances are, she's pretty sure he'd say yes if she DID ask him. Most women wouldn't ask on a humbug...unless she's just really that bold.

There are some men out there who would love to get a proposal from their long time love. Others though, might feel like she's a bit too forward, or too "non-traditional" for his taste. After all, the man may feel like it's his "job" to do the asking...and if she takes that away from him, he might be embarrassed or offended that she took that "right" away from him. He may feel pressured, or he may be upset that she beat him to the punch because he had his ideal proposal all planned out. There are several reactions he could have to being proposed to, and I think a lot of women are afraid, not only of rejection, but of offending her boyfriend by taking over his "manly" duty of asking the woman to marry him.

So here are my questions for you all:

Women: If you felt your man would say yes, would you propose to him? If he said no, would that be the end of the relationship, or would you simply take it as he's just not ready and wait for him to propose to you?

Men: Do you believe women should propose to men - or should they be more "traditional?" If your lady proposed to you, would you be offended or embarrassed? Should she have a ring? If you say "no," is the relationship over - or would you assure her that you love her, but you're just not ready?

And are public proposals dangerous...or unfair?

Let's hear it!

-b

TGIF!!

I was all set to ask my TGIF sexy survey questions to you all when I heard a rather ignorant statement made on the train this morning. Two girls were discussing their weekend plans, and one mentioned going to see Just Wright, the new romantic comedy starring Queen Latifah and Common...with his sexy self ;-)

The girls agreed that Common was the draw, but said they didn't believe there'd be any real chemistry between a guy who's supposed to be a basketball player and a "tomboyish" woman like Dana Owens. The one argued that perhaps it was her character's love of basketball that would draw him to her.

- "Nah, I doubt it...cuz only lesbians love basketball like that, and what man thinks THAT'S sexy?!"

What did she just say?

Only lesbians love basketball like that? da hell?

On what planet does that even make sense? All I could think of was all the women I knew growing up, and the women I know now, who LOVE sports - basketball, football, even hockey - who are FAR from lesbians. And what does sexuality have to do with loving, or NOT loving, sports? I know just as many "manly" men who have no interest in sports, or who have less knowledge of sports than I do. I don't consider them any less of a man because of it, even though society would probably tell you different. Strange? Perhaps. But less of a man? No.

Growing up, I can say I was what most would consider to be a tomboy. I scorned my sister's dolls, didn't walk around in my mom's heels, and I never tried to smear makeup on my face. I was interested in racing boys down the street, doing flips on monkey bars and going for rebounds while I scraped up my knees. I've had jammed fingers, a broken wrist, a hairline fracture in my right ankle and arthroscopic surgery on my left knee - all sports injuries. Sure, I'd jump double dutch and play jacks, but that was the extent of my "girlie" activities. For a brief stint, I had an obsession about doing my hair - which quickly gave way to me pulling it back into a ponytail everyday. And dresses? Forget it. Jeans and sneakers were my daily wardrobe choices - and unless it was the fourth Sunday of the month when I had to sing in my church's choir, you'd never catch me in a skirt. EVER.

My mom would say, "Can't you just wear a dress to school...just one day...for me?" And I'd say no, because "I hated pantyhose." She'd ask me to "dress up," and I'd refuse saying I wasn't comfortable in "frilly" clothes. The only times I felt the need to look like a "girl" were during my piano recitals, church, and the three proms I went on. And when I wore a dress...I WORE a dress. I still think I looked like Beyonce in my senior prom stunning, glittery, sexy dress...but I digress.

But "lesbian" never crossed anyone's mind when it came to me. I still had crushes on boys, told anyone who would listen that I was going to marry Michael Jackson, and all the members of New Edition were my boyfriends. My mother never worried about if I was going to be a lesbian simply because I loved sports. She never looked at me as the little doll she wanted to dress up in pretty pink outfits. She was proud of me and my sister just the way we were - and we were QUITE opposite. Nicole was the "girlie girl" who named all of her Cabbage Patch Kids (which I thought was totally lame) and who'd put on my mom's jewelry and dream of her wedding day. Me? Not so much.

If anything, I think my mother sort of admired my "boyish" pursuits. I was fearless, and had lots of energy because I was so active in sports. And I was also confident and ULTRA competitive, which carried over into all aspects of my life. I never did, and still don't, like to lose. EVER. My mother encourage that in me. All the adults in my life did. And not once was I made to feel weird about it. I never had trouble finding like-minded female friends. Boys respected (and feared) me, and not ONCE was my sexuality ever called into question.

So why on earth would these girls on the train make such an obtuse statement about only lesbians liking basketball? I can only imagine that they believe women engaging in "masculine" activities were somehow "harder" or "tougher" and not "soft" and "feminine." Maybe they believe that only "girlie girls" get the guy, and any signs of strength were too "manly."

Or maybe they just think Queen Latifah is a lesbian...who knows. But either way, who cares? And what does that have to do with liking basketball...or any other sport?

It has nothing to do with it.

Most folks are a bit more relaxed when it comes to women being tomboys. I think girls who have that label growing up ultimately find their photo placed under the "most likely to succeed" banner in their high school year book - I know I did. They're considered go-getters - competent, competitive, tough, smart, over-achievers who lead active lifestyles.

Men, on the other hand, who engage in or who have "feminine" interests, don't get that same benefit of the doubt. They make their parents, and those around them...nervous. It's the same homophobia that makes us cringe when we see a little boy playing with dolls that allows young ladies on the train to say all lesbians love basketball. We're more concerned with boys who seem feminine because the social stigma is much bigger. These boys are at risk of being bullied at school, or labeled and ridiculed for being gay even when they're not - simply because they love art and music more than they love football. All of which makes no sense at all.

Who knows where that ignorant statement came from the girl on the train today. The source of one's ignorance can come from many things - upbringing, peer pressure, the dreaded "media." Thankfully, I never heard such things from my parents or peers growing up. I was a tomboy, and no one cared. No one thought it was weird. No one thought I was a lesbian...and there would be nothing wrong with me even if I were. I didn't care about clothes, or hair, or being a "girl" - even though I will admit that to this day, I still wish I had learned how to apply makeup a little better (something my sister is an EXPERT at). Oh well, I can still learn right?

No, none of that was important to me. Being the best left wing on my field hockey team was all that mattered to me. Scoring 20 points and grabbing 15 rebounds was my mission. Upping my personal best in the high jump was my obsession. I didn't have time to worry if my shoes were cute, or if I left the house with earrings or lip gloss on. I was too busy preparing for my next track meet or basketball game...while wondering if any cute boys were gonna show up to cheer me on. Sure, I was a tomboy, but I still liked boys...and wearing sneakers and climbing trees didn't mean that there wasn't a girl lurking within. Not at all. The girl in me just had a better
jumpshot than you ;-)

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

This week is going by SOOOO SLOOOOWWWLLLLLY for me :(

- I need an "EASY" button.

- I could use a hug too.

- My timing always seems to be off when it comes to men. I need to figure that out.

- All the men at the NYSC that Monica and I go to gossip. They're worse than women. Some of them are even "shaggable" - but your business would be on front street if you ever went there. Not worth it.

- Only 15 more days until Soul Siesta! I can't wait! I need a vacation to clear my head and refocus.

- I need to buy all new bras since I've lost weight. My cup size is the same, but my straps keep sliding down. Good bras are EXPENSIVE!

- I love Plantation Mint tea.

- I've been craving a Snickers all week! I eat low-fat granola instead :(

- I want oxtails too.

- The weather this week blows. The weekend is supposed to be nicer. I want heat!

- LeBron to the Knicks? wha'cha think?

- Not sure how I feel about this:



They was shakin their groove thang a lil too hard for my taste at the end. Sigh.

- Now for Brian's Random Thoughts Thursday Throwback:



Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

Sorry for the lat post. I really don't have much to say today, but I couldn't help but post this story. All I could think when I heard about this was...WTF?



People are nuts.

-b

Happy Tuesday afternoon everyone!

I know I'm late, but I've been slammed at work today. I've been really earning my paycheck lately, so this vacation to DR couldn't come soon enough!

As I was getting dressed this morning, they reported on the radio that Dwayne Wade's soon to be ex-wife, Siohvaughn Wade, failed to show up for a court date in the case of their seemingly nasty divorce. She was ordered to be taken into custody, and after she turned herself in, she released after posting bond.

Every time I hear this woman's name, she appears crazier and crazier to me. First she has her children named as plaintiff's in a lawsuit against Gabrielle Union, and now this. Now, I'm not saying that what she alleges isn't true as far as the so-called "sexual foreplay" that has supposedly caused her children emotional distress. If it IS true, then D Wade and G. Union should be ashamed of themselves...allegedly.

But what it seems like to me is a case of jealousy, a woman scorned perhaps, or just plain coo-coo for coco puffs.

Even if Mrs. Wade has EVERY reason to be upset with her husband for anything he may have done to her, she needs to get over it...and HIM. He don't want you no mo!

I know it's easier said than done to let go. Loving is hard, especially when you've loved someone since you were in high school - so I'm sure letting go can be even harder. No one is saying it's easy. But it has to be done - for her own peace of mind, and for her children's sake. She should focus on making sure her children will be okay throughout the divorce and that they are well taken care of. They shouldn't come in the middle, or be used as pawns to help you hurt the man who has hurt you. The only ones REALLY suffering are the kids.

If a man isn't happy with me, I wouldn't WANT to hold on to him. Why should I want to be with someone who doesn't want me back? Of course it hurts when your feelings aren't reciprocated. I'm sure it hurts when we see the person we love loving someone else. When you've shared a marriage and children, it's hard not to fight for what you believe is yours.

But if the person we love doesn't show us that love in return, has moved on and doesn't want us anymore - it's time to let go and begin the healing process. That's when you're forced to experience the pain and loneliness.

Yes, that may mean crying yourself to sleep at night. It may mean talking your girlfriends' ear off til even YOU can't take it anymore. Getting over someone you love feels like there's a mountain on your heart, your chest is heavy, you can't breathe because there's no air, and you feel like you're simply existing instead of living.

We miss his smile, her laugh, having arms to hold you tight, lips to kiss you hello or goodbye, someone to rub your feet when you feel tired, and someone to have your back when you need them. When that love we thought would last forever is gone, we feel like our lives are ruined and our dreams are shattered. And we don't even want to think about starting over and loving again because we don't even know where to begin.

That's when we start listening to that crazy voice in our head making us do silly things. That crazy voice that says "fight and hold on to him girl!" gives us new FALSE hope. We won't stop til we've tried every thing we can to make him come back. After all, he's MY man right? I gave him my all, my everything, my time, my life, and my precious tears. Darkness fills our soul, and we may try to hurt him when all else fails. It's our last ditch effort to do SOMETHING, and if we can't have him or her, we try to make their life hell. Yet, in the end, we find ourselves defeated, for all our efforts are thrown to waste. We end up more hopeless and helpless than ever because we knew there's nothing more that we could do - and in the end, he or she STILL doesn't want us. And on top of all that...now you look crazy.

You can't make someone love you - you can only make sure that you are someone who is capable of being loved. Sometimes men and women lose themselves in their relationships because they put themselves last. They put their everything into their partner and the relationship to the point where's there's nothing left for them. So when that relationship ends...they feel lost, they don't feel whole, and they don't know how to function alone.

Sure, when you get married or are in a committed relationship, you give up the "I's" for "we." But you have to stay true to yourself at all times. You have to learn how to love without losing yourself. You have to be sure to continue to love God and yourself FIRST so that you are better able to love others. And if you give love and it doesn't come back to you - then be happy that you were ABLE to love...and then let it go.

-b

Happy Monday!

and Happy Birthday Yolanda!

RIP Lena Horne :-(

Now...

By now I'm sure you all have heard that Lawrence Taylor, a former NFL star, was arrested and charged with the alleged rape of a 16 year old girl - a reported runaway who hooked up with a pimp who beat her and forced her into prostitution. Supposedly, the girl told Taylor that she was 19 years old. Reports also say her pimp had her enter the hotel room in the dark so that Taylor couldn't see her.

We still don't know if all of this is true, as details of the alleged rape continue to surface. It's messy nonetheless, but some question what the actual charge should be - rape or prostitution?

It would definitely be considered statutory rape since the girl is 16 and the legal age of consent is 17 in NY. Even if the sex was consensual, rape is rape...right?

Some have argued that the age of consent should be lower than 17, since teenagers who are WAY younger than 16 are engaging in sex every day. I hear kids on the train talking about who they hooked up with, smoking weed and drinking all the time - and most of them are 13, 14, 15 years old. And the ones who ARE 16 or 17 LOOK like they're 20 years old - easily. Kids today are NOT like the kids I knew growing up. I don't feel like I'm old at all, or that the 80's were that long ago - but I simply don't remember my peers being so open about sex, drugs and other grown folk stuff.

Although I don't believe teenagers should be having sex, it's a fact that they do. And they're doing it younger and younger these days. I certainly don't believe that teenagers should be prostituting themselves, lying about their age and having sex with grown men. But if a 16 year old has sex with an 18 year old, should that be considered rape? Remember the case of Genarlow Wilson - the 17 year old who was sentenced to serve a mandatory 10 year prison term for having consensual sex with a 15 year old girl? He was found guilty of felony child molestation, and that case sparked so much public outrage that Georgia lawmakers changed the law which now makes consensual sex between teens a misdemeanor.

Of course, lowering the age of consent makes it easier for adults to prey on teenagers who are not ready for premature sexual activity. It's a slippery slope. Oversexed teenagers who have crushes on college aged men and women may willingly want to have sex - and may lie about their age to do so. How many men and women go around asking to see an ID nowadays? If you don't...you may want to start if you like 'em young.

The other issue here is the sad state of runaways being forced into prostitution. The pimp should face harsher charges than Taylor if you ask me, because he preyed on the vulnerability of a young girl to do unthinkable things for his gain - all while putting her in harms way, beating her and depleting her spirit. This story is sad all around.

So my question to you is - should Taylor (or any adult) face statutory rape charges even if he thought the girl was of the age of consent? Do you think the age of consent should be higher or lower than it is now between teenagers? And lastly, do you think prostitution should be legalized so that it can be regulated better - or is it a bad idea no matter the age? Share your thoughts on this, if you have any!

-b

TGIF!

Let’s Go!

1. A guy/girl does NOT have long term potential if he/she__________?

2. In your mind, what makes a great girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other?

3. When you fall in love, do you get so caught up in the relationship that you almost lose contact with your friends?

4. Would you ever date your ex again?

5. If you could give advice to an ex…you know…besides DIE…what would it be?

6. When dating, do you normally only date one person at a time, or do you date several people (have “back-ups”) just to play it safe until a commitment is established?

7. Has your parents’ relationship influenced you more as a healthy model to imitate or an unhealthy one to avoid?

8. Men – would you take a birth control pill? Women, would you want your man to?

9. If you were confident that their choice would be a good one, would you be willing to have your parents select your spouse? If not, why?

10. Would you prefer your partner be extremely smart or extremely funny?

Happy Mother's Day weekend to my mother Donna Dean, my sister Nicole Dahmani, Val, Denise, Dana, Annamaria, Stephanie, all my aunts, and all the women on the blog who are mothers, step-mothers, mother figures, aunties and Godmothers! Be blessed!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I can't believe it's MAY already! Summer is fast approaching, can't wait!

- I received my itinerary for Soul Siesta yesterday, now I am OFFICIALLY excited! I am SO looking forward to my little vacation!

- Monica needs to stop playing and come with me!

- I feel like shopping today. That's never a good thing.

- I want new sexy sandals :)

- I'm going to try to drink a gallon of water today.

- We have Deebo tonight and I'm skerred! This is our last month with him :(

- I want Naomi Campbell's body for my 40th birthday. She looks no where NEAR 40 - hot chick!
So what if she has a temper tantrum every now and then ;-)

- Looking forward to seeing Iron Man 2 tomorrow. Rameer said it was good, so I'll take his word for it :) Here is the extended trailer!




Don Cheadle is so sexy to me!

- I got passes for Robin Hood for Monday but it was full :(

- I saw a young guy in an oversized suit bopping around on the train today listening to his iPod. He looked like Larenz Tate as Frankie Lymon in Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Everyone was looking at him smiling on the subway - he made my whole day :)

- Speaking of the subway, I HATE when people stand with their backs to the door as you're trying to get on. Do they think they're invisible if they don't face you or that you can walk through them somehow? Like it'll kill them to step to the side so people can get on. HATE THAT!

- Go Los Suns!

- Going to Philly this weekend, I miss my family! What are you all doing for the mothers in your life for Mother's Day?

- Check out my friend Ms. Lylah Lylah's blog SugarPlumSmiles if you get a chance - she's great!

- Baby Sophia, aka "The Combination," stood up all by herself today :) Awwww!




- And now for Brian's Random Thoughts Thursday Throwback! This was the joint!




Go!

-b

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Remember a while back, I got a “Dear Brookey” email from a woman who received a recycled engagement ring from her boo? We all agreed that he should have exchanged the ring, changed the setting, or done SOMETHING to make it unique and special for his new bride to be. Right? Right.

But here’s a question for you all. Do we place too much importance on the ring instead of what the ring means?

Recently I was talking to a coworker who said one of her friends was newly engaged. She got engaged while on vacation in Jamaica and sent everyone a message saying that he popped the question…finally! She had been in a relationship with this man for at least 10 years, and all she wants is to be married. They could go to City Hall for all she cares, she just wants HIM.

But her friends, while celebrating the fact that she was finally getting her happily- ever-after, seemed to really care about what the RING looked like. One friend asked her to send a cell pic of it so they could see how much the ring set him back…or not. Another friend said it was in bad taste to ask to see the ring because, “What if it’s small?”

Well…what if it is? So what? If the woman getting engaged is happy and in love, why does it matter how big the ring is? Some people get engaged with no ring at all. However, some women would never go for that…and if the ring is small, they might be disappointed, or even angry!

Personally, I’ve never been a “jewelry” person. I have my pieces that I wear often, but I don’t drench myself in diamonds and pearls just because. Some days, like today, I run out of the house without earrings on, and most times I use my cell phone to tell me what time it is instead of wearing one of the many watches I have. It’s just not on my mind.

But admittedly, an engagement/wedding ring is something that a woman will be (hopefully) wearing forever, so it makes sense that she’d want to wear something that she likes. But is the ring an accessory, or a reflection of his commitment and love to you?

One of her friends said that she feels the ring is an indication of how much he loves her, so if he REALLY loves her, he’ll get her a big ring. Another one said she’d rather have a nice, big ring than a nice, big house. You can’t LIVE in a ring, but a house you can :-)

I’m sure Kobe’s and Tiger’s wives have big rings on their fingers. Was that big rock an indication of their love and fidelity to their wives? Clearly not. Big rings don’t equal commitment. It means the man had the money…or stretched his means…in order to make her happy, or show that he can get her a big ring for others to see. The ring doesn’t make the commitment, the person does.

If the ring means that much to a woman, I’d suggest going with the guy to pick it out – but that’s only if marriage is something you’ve discussed and he doesn’t plan on surprising you with the ring. A lot of men take pride in going to pick out the ring on their own, and they want it to be a special surprise for her. But if he’s nervous you won’t like it because you’ve already “hinted” that you don’t want a “bullsh*t” ring – then I think that takes away from the sincerity of the moment. He may even resent you for making him feel like the ring is more important than him and the marriage. Buying and presenting a woman with a ring is probably nerve racking enough as it is, so worrying about if she’ll think the ring is good enough is an added pressure…and that’s no fun.

I understand that most women want a ring they’ll love and want to wear day in and day out. I get that. But if you truly love your man and want to be married to him because you share a bond, then should the ring matter THAT much? Some women would wear a ring out of a Cracker Jack box if it meant landing the man of their dreams. Others…not so much…in which case I wonder what they care more about – the man, the marriage, or the ring? Marriage is about love and commitment, and compromise. If you’d rather be blinged out than have a man who loves you enough to propose in the first place, or live in an apartment rather than a house just so you can show off a big ring, then the marriage is doomed from the beginning. Putting a ring on it should be about love and commitment, not what your friends, or anyone else, thinks.

Feel differently? Get at me!

-b

Happy TMI Tuesday! Let's get to it, shall we? :-)

Searching for a Sex Club Sidekick...by the Fury.

One of my favorite scenes in the movies happens in Eyes Wide Shut. Tom Cruise arrives by cab to a palatial mansion where he's told a sex party is occurring. Since everyone is masked, he brings one. At the door he's asked for the password. The word, which was only whispered between him and a friend, is finally revealed.

"Fidelio" He says.

The doorkeeper lets him in and he enters a home full of limitless and emotionless sexual activity. The sex isn't exciting. The women are, for the most part, well shaped (though not one great ass in the bunch). It's all about the spectacle.

I'm very much a visual person. I'm also a very sexual person. The sex club idea intrigues me. Not that I expect to witness great porn worthy sex, but it all interests me. So I decided I'm going to go to a sex club and see for myself. The plan was simple.

1) Find a non-seedy sex club that has an attractive clientele
2) Find a friend that isn't afraid to go with me
3) Watch it all, experience it, make mental notes and write it down for Brooke's Blog in part detail and my blog in full smutty detail.

Twitter being the ultimate in communicative tools for the anonymous type, I searched there first. It took me all of one tweet and five minutes to get multiple responses for sex clubs that matched my criteria. Only one club was in New York City. The club is in Midtown Manhattan. Yep, right under your noses there's some sex club popping.

One of the people that told me about the sex club told me when to go (Friday nights are good) and when she'd next be going…in case I wanted guaranteed eye candy in the house. I had a calendar conflict.

Ok #1 down...on to #2 - finding a friend.

A friend…hmmm, ok that's a loaded term. See, chances are that friend would have to not be too shy. On the lower floors of the sex club you can keep your clothes on. The floors where actual sex happens (ie: the stuff I want to experience) you must wear only a towel. Each couple (and a third single lady if you like) share a locker where all of their clothes, phones etc. are locked and then you venture into the sexy area in (very plush, very nice) towels that are provided.

So this would mean the friend has to be comfortable in possibly being seen naked - or veeeeeeery close to it - and seeing me naked. Of course, the first thought is to invite someone I've had sex with. A former lover possibly. I'm considering it, though the ones I know that would attend in a heartbeat cannot for one reason or another. Of course, attending a sex club with someone from the past may guarantee sex afterward...or hell maybe during. Who's to say seeing all that passion won't illicit some horny feelings? If I haven't had sex with the friend, could it make me so horny that I push up on her, her on me? Wow! That's a lot to think about.

I'm stuck on #2. Who to go with? Who? Who? Who?

A couple of my very, very cool, very attractive Twitter friends have volunteered. Not surprisingly, they're all in different states. And of course, since they only know me as The Fury, they'd be trusted to keep that secret after seeing me in real life.

I've asked platonic friends if they would go in general, but no direct invites. Interestingly enough, all have said they would. Hmmm…seems I'm not the only one that's interested in expanding their voyeuristic (possibly exhibitionistic) side. But I haven't decided yet. Haven't ventured out. But I will. And when I go...

Ladies, would you go with me? A friend? Lover? Boyfriend? Husband? Stranger you know from the internet?

Fellas, would you go to a sex club with a friend? Lover? Girlfriend? Wife? Stranger from the internet?

They call me The Fury and I'm looking for a Sex Club Sidekick.

--
The Fury

http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com/
http://www.twitter.com/dirtydetails

Happy Monday everyone!

By now, I'm sure most of you have heard about the failed Times Square Bomb that police found in a smoking SUV on Saturday. As details of the potentially powerful bomb - that apparently began to detonate but did not explode - were revealed, my heart started pounding harder and faster. As a person who frequents Times Square, the news was unnerving...if not just downright scary. I received calls and text messages from family and friends asking if I was okay. My sister said I should move back to Philly because NYC was just too dangerous. All of these are normal responses to fear - and even among the most faithful of us, fear can be a defining aspect of the human condition.

Hearing about stuff like bombs, and earthquakes and plane crashes just sometimes makes you wanna stay home, not go anywhere, and live in fear. Fear is likely the source of most of our personal pain and the needless suffering in the world. Fear lies at the root of greed and aggression, racism, bigotry, trouble between neighborhoods, tribes and nations, and terrorism. We fear rejection and loneliness, commitment, failure...and even success. We fear we won't be able to measure up to others' expectations of us...or our own expectations for ourselves. We fear we may not be smart enough, tall enough, pretty enough, handsome enough, skinny enough, rich enough, or good enough.

We use fear as a buffer between us and the unpredictability of an ever-changing world, and it can be the very thing that defines us as a human being. But living in fear is not an option for me. As scary as the world can sometimes be, there's a better way of living.

God tells us "fear not" - He counsels us to "be not afraid" to alleviate our doubts. If we have no faith, from our fear of death comes all others. Fear shouldn't be used as a buffer between us and the world - faith should be. God impresses upon us that death is not final, so it need not be feared. He is always with us, walking with us, protecting us. Historically, the fear-preaching religions were the same that brought us the various religious crusades, jihads and holy wars. But where God is understood as LOVE, there can be no fear. Where God is One, there is no other.

I understand that just as pain has a purpose, fear also has its function. If we were totally indifferent to fear, it's likely that no one would have called the police to alert them of a smoking SUV in the middle of Times Square. If you see something, say something. Fear was the engine that drove that reaction, and would probably save lives. Fear is a double-edged sword that we have yet to get a handle on. While it has been useful to us in carving out the world we live in, it has also cut up the world, wounded it and cause it a great deal of pain. We haven't figured out yet how life really works and how we can establish peace within and among ourselves. While we walk around everyday convincing ourselves that we're strong and safe and secure, we're secretly fearful and nervous.

But there's a better way of living. There will be problems, challenges, even occasional catastrophes and tragedies. But if we look at the world through faith, we can deal with these things in a calm, still, peaceful center that we create within ourselves by looking to God. Perception is reality, and we can begin constructing the world we want to live in to guide us in our personal lives everyday. We have to believe it inwardly, and project it outward. We must have faith and believe it possible. Choosing faith over fear is a conscious decision to live in the present, with the understanding that no matter the circumstances, no matter what we are experiencing, the present is where God is.

-b