Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Happy TMI Tuesday!
It was suggested to me that I should run today's TMI Tuesday like Random Thoughts Thursday - listing only random thoughts that are too much information (I know you all are smart and figured that out, but just in case...) So I figured I'd try it...here goes!
- I almost busted my ass getting on the train yesterday on my way to the movies with Monica. The heel of my boot got stuck in the space between the platform and the train and I twisted my bad knee trying not to fall. Now my knee is killing me! I think I re-injured it...might need another x-ray. Please pray that it's just a sprain. I think I would have been better off if I had just allowed myself to fall :-(
- I think I got a little over-zealous with the Nair the other day. I still can't really get "in there" good without getting a chemical burn - Miss Kitty is very sensitive to that stuff. But I'll be DAMNED if I get another Brazilian wax. NOTHING or NO ONE is worth that kind of pain.
- Taking a razor to Miss Kitty isn't an option either...jus sayin.
- Do any of you answer or talk on the phone while you're going to the bathroom? And if so, are you discreet about it? I do it all the time, but I try to go "quietly." Then I sit there forever because the person I just happen to be talking to decides to have the raps and talks my ear off - but I can't get up or flush because I don't want them to know I was talking to them while using the bathroom. By the time I'm done, my foot done fell asleep or my butt hurts from sitting there for an hour. Maybe that's just me :)
- I could probably suck the nails from a board, and I'll get sloppy with it, but I probably still won't drink behind you (especially out of a can). I know, I know - we swapped some fluids...but backwash makes me gag.
- Still no toy. That should've been my first purchase for 2010.
Go!
-b
47 comments:
First Bitches .....
You can always put the phone on mute for a few seconds when in the bathroom or when you flush.
Good idea Shawn, never thought about that :-)
I think I'm still stuck on the "I could probably suck the nails from a board" comment - lawd have mercy!
Brooke, you always crack me up!
I talk on the phone on the toilet too, and I don't always try to hide it. Depends on who I'm talking to.
I never farted in front of a guy. EVER.
I go through AT LEAST 3 toys a year.
Waxes down there hurt like hell, but I have to do it. It's smooth as a baby's bottom when they're done, and if I don't do it, it'll grow into a forrest.
I have a single hair that grows from my chin like once every 6 months. I wait til it gets nice and long and then I yank it and then I don't see it again for another six months.
One time I got my head stuck in my headboard while having sex doggie style. I told him my head was stuck, but he wouldn't stop! To this day, doggy style is my LEAST favorite position because of that.
Stef, you are cracking ME up! LMAO!! He didn't stop??? I'm over here DYING! That's so wrong!
Brooketopia!!!!!!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
@Stef,
That's what you get, hater!!
@Brooke,
I hope your knee gets better.
hmmm...TMI...let's see.
I shave my nose and ear hairs.
OMG I almost dropped Sophia when I read Stef's!!! LMAO that is hysterical...I've had many a conversation in the bathroom... These days I don't have time to separate the 2...lol
Brooke we need to get you some toy help!!!
p.s.-happy 5 month birthday Sophia!
"Brooketopia"? Where is that and how can I get there? Sounds like a lovely place :-)
I'm having a hard time coming up with TMI tidbits. I guess I can piggyback off of Brooke's:
- I talk on the phone while using the bathroom, but I don't sit there forever. I take care of business then come back and flush later so they don't hear.
- A woman has only used a toy once with me and it was intimidating at first (because she seems to want the toy more than she wanted me) but once I got into it, the visual was all I needed ;)
- I threw my back out shoveling snow when he got hit with the storm. I'm getting old.
- I go thru underwear and socks like a mad man. I can't wear the same underwear after about 4-6 months. And I just lose socks - no idea how.
I hear you on the Nair. There's always the sensitive formula, but you still can't leave it on too long. As far as the phone in the bathroom, I've started putting the phone on mute...
Happy 5 month birthday to Sophia!!
Yes, I need toy help badly. I was contemplating buying something online, but I want to SEE it in person and make sure it works :) LOL!
Did anyone see the news with the baby who got a chopstick stuck up his nose?
@Jay, knowing my luck, I'd forget to go back and flush :)
I don't know why I never thought about the mute button! Duh!!!
I use the sensitive formala for Nair, but you're right...it'll still tingle if you leave it on too long. It says you only need to leave it on for 3 minutes, but last time I did that, it didn't work all the way. I must have stubborn hairs :) LOL!
Ahhhhhh hahahahaha! HE DIDN'T STOP!!!
Funniest ish this week thus far!
- I play this game with EVERY WOMAN I've had sexual relations with since I was about 18. It's the "how long can you last" game. Meaning - how long can you go vs. me in a sexual encounter be fore busting a nut? To this day...I've never lost this game. True story.
- Going back to the "hard-wired" thing from weeks ago...I see women all the time I find EXTREMELY sexually attractive, and can literally say I think "man, I'd bang FIRE out of her!" But it's just the physical thing...I'm not a cheater, WOULDN'T cheat, and won't even put myself in a position remotely close to cheat. It's simply looking at a woman's physical attributes and thinking simply about the sex in a "what if" scenario.
- Also revisiting some comments on the blog in the past...face f**king? Ain't nothin' wrong with that! And you don't have to do it hard or make her gag...
- My boy used to not only talk on the phone while using the bathroom and NOT hide it, he'd tell you to stop by the crib, you walk in, and this fool is crapping with the door open! Disgusting, right? He used to be like "what, you think I don't sh*t? I watch my hands and spray the air afterwards, fool!" Lmao!
- I've had threesomes in the past. Yes, plural.
- My brother has at least four girls in the past that I've messed with that he subsequently messed with as well. Two he messed with right after I stopped. I've never had any issue with this...but me personally? I've never gone after a dude's "sloppy seconds".
In all fairness - my brother was younger and liked having access to older girls who were "smoking", as he put it...
- One of the few dudes I'm really cool with in Buffalo doesn't know this, and I'll never tell him - but I hit on - and possibly could've hooked up with - both his mother and his sister years ago in the past. I had NO CLUE any of them were related, and his mother looks PREPOSTEROUSLY YOUNG (she's in her 50s, she literally looks like she's in her mid-30s RIGHT NOW - with no plastic surgery). I found out when I was still in college and he invited me over to his mother's house for a BBQ in the summer. When I met both the sister (my age, he's like three years younger than me) and the mother, neither one let on like they knew me in front of him...and we literally have never really talked about it other than the mother referencing meeting me "before" (I was out with co-workers, she was with her co-workers, drinks and flirting ensued). The most Springer-ish crap I've ever been associated with. We're all real cool now, tight even - but the origins are crazy, right?
- My senior year of college, I EARNED my "A" the old fashion way with the TA in one of my AAS courses. The whole year, all these dudes were saying she must be a lesbian, cuz she gave no dudes the time of day - all the while, I was in those guts like an autopsy...
- I don't do drugs of any kind...but I WILL catch a contact willingly if I'm forced to be around some buddhaheads.
Brooke and Stef, you both are hilarious!
Happy 5 months to Baby Sophia!
I once fell off the bed during sex because I lost my balance trying to hold myself up during doggy style. He had the nerve to laugh at me, so needless to say the mood was ruined and he couldn't finish. But I got mine! LOL!!
Why do men fart in front of you? I don't think it's a comfort thing, I think it's a Neanderthal thing.
Does anyone else think Tiger Woods looks silly on the cover of Vanity Fair with his bird chest?
I wore the wrong bra today and it's cutting me. I don't know why I don't just throw it away. Probably because it's so pretty.
When I squat to pee, I pee all over the seat. I can never pee "straight." Why is that?
"in those guts like an autopsy"? Ok then :)
I could probably beat you at the first game Rameer :) I'm focused like that :)
@Jaz, I agree - the Tiger Woods pic does nothing for me. I don't find it sexy or edgy, but images can be interpretted a million different ways by everyone. But it does seem forced - and is he supposed to be a thug? The only thing that makes that pic worth looking at is that VF lucked into a scandal where they could release them and folks would be intrigued to see them.
I can't pee straight all the time either, so I use the seat protectors and just sit my ass down :)
@Cable Guy,
Kiss my ass! And yes, it's 2010 and Brooke STILL don't want you!
Yes ya'll, he didn't stop. I was screaming "my head! my head!" and he weas like "you okay baby? hold on!" I was like "are you fuckin serious!? help me!" And to top it all off, my head was not only stuck, but banging against the wall. It was the WORST!!! He never got any again after that.
Stef, I'm in TEARS over here! LOL!
We might have had to fight after that :) LOL!!
Stef - the year is still young, but it's gonna be pretty f'n hard for ANYONE to top your comments in terms of hilarity! I'm laughing like a hyena reading this! Lmmfao!!!
Even the Captain Cable jab was hilarious!
Brooke-Ra - I once had a woman DETERMINED to beat me. She swore she would, and could. After four hours, she gave up...and accused me of using viagra or some type of similar drug. I told her nope - I just can literally not climax if I want to.
While some might think this is wonderful, it actually has caused problems with me and females in the past...it makes some think they're not satisfying enough if I don't climax for a long time, or if I don't at all. And it's hard to convince them it's not that...
Already talked about the Tiger Woods thing on Facebook. Not touching it here...
STEF you are HI-LARIOUS!!!!!! That was sooo damn funny...Fucked up for you but funny...That's why you should keep a taser under your pillow..So that you could have tased the dude & gotten your head out...
Now that I say that HOW DID YOU GET YOUR HEAD OUT???? LMAO
Happy New Year everyone!
Speaking of toys has anyone heard of a fleshlight? Wow! Where were these things when I was stuck at sea for 7 months at a time?
Brooke, I hope the knee gets better! but sucking nails from a board has got to stop! Do you have any friends with similar talents?
I hear Threesomes, how about Foursomes.....anyone ever been to a Swingers Club?
If I gotta go I gotta go and I don't care if you hear it. plop plop fizz fizz, flush and all.
I don't even want to think about Nair down there....but should I shave the gray hairs?
2010 is going to be great!
@Annamaria,
He CAME FIRST and THEN helped me. Asshole. I had to hold my ears, tilt my head, lift my chin and then wiggle out. I had a headache for the rest of the damn night!
He said he was so caught up in the moment and that it felt so good that he didn't realize I was yelling for him to stop so I could dislodge myself. I'm like "uh, the pounding of my head on the wall wasn't a clue??" How can you not notice my head was stuck???
@Rameer, glad you got a good laugh. All of you did! I know it's funny now, but back when it was happening I was mad as fuck! I can't even believe I told ya'll that, but since its TMI Tuesday I thought I'd share :)
Stef, you have me rollin!
What is a fleshlight?
@Tony,
I'm sure I have friends with similar talents. And I haven't sucked a nail out of a board in a LONG time :-)
and you can leave the greys there. No razors!!
Rameer, it's all a mind game - we'd be two non-climaxing fools :)
Stef, you are in rare form today :)
From what I understand a Fleshlight is shaped like a flash light but the insides are made to, well...feel like a woman. you slide in, turn it on and it vibrates and messages you until....well you get the picture.
I can't even get it out...
When I was 19, I wanted to try something with my boyfriend that I saw on an adult movie. It involved fellatio--and a porn star type of climax. It was ok...until I opened my eyes...before he was done--and got semen in my eye. OMG--it burned like nobody's business, and no amount of rinsing with water would stop it. So, I had to take my contact lens out until we could go to the store and get something to clean it off. I cleaned my face and we went to the store. I'm looking for the lens cleaner I use and I can't find it. A sales person is walking by and asks what we are looking for. My boyfriend says, contact cleaner--she got something in her eye and can't get it off her contacts. The lady looks in my eye, and seeing the irritation says "Oh my goodness, what was it?!?!?" At that point I left the store. He ended up coming out with some saline and a case, and I stored the dirty lens and walked around with one contact, until I got home to clean them.
In conclusion, if you're going for the money shot, keep your eyes closed-particularly if you wear contacts.
UNFORTUNATELY, I do indeed know what a fleshlight is. That's what happens when you work with a bunch of horny, not-getting any older white dudes. These fools have 'em and are PROUD of that ish!
A fleshlight is like some type of sleeve a guy buys that feels like the poo-swa. You stick it in and start pumping away. I don't know how many different varieties there are, but the one dude at work talking about his said it has a warming sensation and has a nice part for the sperm to collect in that makes for easy washing.
IF you guys all just got queasy reading that, imagine how I felt when I HEARD that crap. And, this dude was co-signed by like three other dudes. Losers.
Stef - that is sooooo messed up, but so funny at the same time! Lmao! You ain't whoop his ass after you were free??
That fool waited 'til he came...so f'd up, but so f'n funny! That's some ol' Van Wilder-comedy type ish!!
Brooke-Ra - I guess we would! Cuz - as I explained to my girl a while back - I enjoy the actual act of having sex, so I'm not in a huge rush for that thirty seconds of climax! It's like eating a good meal - you love to enjoy the meal, but you don't rush to get to the last piece, do you? Nope - you enjoy the experience of eating the meal, not the rush to eat the last morsel. Same concept...at least with me.
Y'all ladies are off the chain! Your boyfriend had you looking like Popeye, Thatgirl?? LMAO!!!
LMAO!!!! Thatgirl, that was funny as hell!
I remember a friend of mine was late for a class we had together, and when I asked her why she was late, she was all red and flustered. Then I noticed some sticky white stuff in her hair. I was like "what is this in your hair?" and went to touch it to see what it was (I thought it was flaky gel), I quickly pulled back and was like "is that what I THINK it is?" She was like "That fucker came in my hair and I couldn't get it all out! That's why I was late!" I died laughing right in class! And I almost TOUCHED it! Ewwww!!! She was mortified and cussed his ass out later when she saw him cuz she was so embarrassed that I saw jizz in her hair :)
That fleshlight sounds nasty.
OMG Thatgirl! That happened to me too! It stings so bad! You can cum on my face, but not in my eye. What is THAT about???
The worst are the dudes that "spray" you with it. I feel like saying "You are NOT in a porno homie!" Men get a little carried away with that ish. I know ya'll are visual creatures, but it just makes you look stupid to be jerking and spraying all your stuff all over the place like an idiot!
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA!!!
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST "Brookey's Cafe Blog" EVER!!!
"Put your eyes by me d**k so you can see where I'm coming from..."
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Rameer, you stupid :)
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Today's blog has me HYSTERICAL!!!
Ram, you right - this has to be the BEST TMI TUESDAY EVER!!!
and I thought the story about Brooke's first time using her toy was the funniest! This has em all beat!
@Thatgirl,
Girl, you are telling the truth about it burning in your eye! I think most women have gotten their eye put out trying to act like a porn star giving a bj. That is the worst feeling ever! And you always feel so foolish afterwards like "why did I even try this?"
I hate when guys rub their cum into your skin. It's not lotion! It dries up and flakes and gets sticky, and it's not sexy...for us anyway. Well, not for ME.
Oh, and face f*cking? No. I almost threw up on a dick when he tried that. Gagging sounds CANNOT be sexy.
Okay, well since we're all sharing (this is the funniest blog ever) - am I the only dude who went in the wrong direction, hit a wall and almost ended up with a broke dick? That ish HURTS!!!
But you have to play it off and keep going, but it hurt so bad, my ish went down. Then you have to get off and play it off like you want to kiss or cuddle or something - not stop cuz your dick hurts. Or is that just me? LOL!!
LMAO!!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Well, I can only imagine that it hurts Jay, cuz when y'all go in the wrong direction and hit a wall, we feel it too! Ouch!!!
I seriously nearly choked on a piece of chocolate reading y'all comments...LMMFAO!!!
And Jaz? Ain't nothing wrong with a little facial lovin'...your dude must not have known how to do it right. You don't HAVE to choke or gag in the least...
Where y'all think the terms "impregnate her mouth" and "throat babies" came from? LMMFAO!!
Since we all letting out embarrassing stories...when I was a teen, I had a chick orally stimulating me so good, I thought I was seeing angels. She has the crazy suction lock on, too! It was insane. I tried to tell her to stop, calm, down, etc....but she wouldn't, and it felt too good for me to really protest. I knew I couldn't hold it...BLAM!! I don't know what it was, but I blew like Ol' Faithful! She couldn't take it all, and this huge stream of my babies running from her mouth down her chest! She tried to pull me out...but I was still bustin'! I lit her face up rapid-fire like a machine gun!! LMAO!!!
She RAN to the bathroom and wouldn't come out (we were at HER crib). I tried to check on her, but she wouldn't come out. I finally just got up and left...after that, she never really would speak to me again. To this day, I bet if I saw her, she wouldn't really speak.
It didn't help that I told my brother and he called her "Milky" months later when she tried to say something slick to him. She won't speak to him either.
I know it's wrong...but man, that ish was funny as all hell!!
ewwww!!!
It's bad when you can't take it all, cuz you can choke if you try to swallow it too fast, or you'll mess up your sheets if you spit it out or let it run out your mouth onto your sheets! I don't mind it going down my chest, but you can't let it dry, or it hurts when you try to scrub it off!
@Stef - You are Hilarious!!!!
I am at work and I nearly fell out of my chair reading you comments!! LOL
Well, Brooke started it :)
Oh, and I pee in the shower every morning :)
I'm just glad I wasn't the only one sharing today. Usually on TMI Tuesday, I'm the only one spilling the beans!
@Stef - Seems like you be getting it in!!!! LOL
That's true.... I'm still not saying a DAMN thing about me! Lol
Stef u are off the hook!!!!!
And why the heck are u bitches opening ur eyes??? Duh!!!
I don't get my eye put out cuz I swallow it :) LOL!
@Geeque,
I don't get it in as much as I'd like, but when I do, I get it IN! LOL!! These are just stories and things that have happened to me, but not recently :) LOL!
@Annamaria,
We open our eyes thinking they're DONE! One squirt, maybe two - but its the third one that gets you! LOL! I've since learned my lesson - that was a rookie mistake I made a long time ago! LOL!
Brooke...oh my...you really need to stop ;)
But seriously, I agree with Annamaria, what are y'all lookin at that you get it in your eyes? I don't think I've ever gotten head from a girl who keeps her eyes open while doing that. They don't look at me, nothin! Lol!
Let's see:
I've been to swinger clubs in Baltimore, New Jersey, DC, and Richmond as well as hosted a few events.
The last few women I have been with have been swallowers.
I don't fart in front of my women. I hate it when I feel one in my sleep and wake up to let one go while in the bed with her. Other than that, I go to different parts of the house to let it go.
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