Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dating...Chemical Free.

Happy Tuesday!

So on Sunday after Mo’s race, I gave one of her friends a ride home. In the car we were discussing living in New York, both of us originally from somewhere else. She said she’s been living in New York for 2 years now - moved here from PG County Maryland - and in that 2 years, has never been on a date in NYC. I was stunned by that.

She’s a pretty girl - I make her out to be about 27 years old if I had to guess – smart, friendly disposition. I found it hard to believe she hadn’t been on a date in 2 years. She says, “It’s not like I haven’t been asked, I just didn’t want to go out with them.” I asked her to describe who “them” was. She said, “You know, the Fedex guy, the mailroom guy. I want to date a man who wears a suit everyday.”

I automatically thought about the “French Fry Factor” blog. Poor girl…denying herself a date simply because the men who asked her out didn’t wear a suit and tie to work. I guess I never viewed dating that way in my 20’s. I dated all over the place, whenever I could. Ironically, I spent most of my 20’s in monogamous relationships that lasted a couple years at a time; so I never dated around as much as I do now. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since I moved to NY, which has been 6 years now and counting. I go on dates here and there, weather personal revelation fatigue from the “getting to know you” phase of conversations, and I rely on pep talks from my other single girlfriends to keep me going.

Now that I’m in my 30’s, dating just to date doesn’t seem like a good idea, but I do it anyway…if for no other reason than to get out of the house and enjoy a man’s company every once in a while. I love my girls, but sometimes you just want to spend an evening talking to a man. I’m not saying kiss a few frogs, as I learned that kissing the wrong guy can set in motion a sort of unwitting hormonal bonding stronger than rational thinking. But going out doesn’t require that you have to find Mr. Right, it just means you can spend a “chemical free-think clearly-getting to know him first” night just having fun.

Women tend to romanticize everything…and sometimes I can be no exception. We think dating means tumbling into bed, then falling in love, then getting married – which is not always how it works…or how it SHOULD work. But dating can give you enough experiences with Mr. Wrong to help you understand what it is that you DO want when Mr. Right finally shows his beautiful face.

We’re all looking for that person who can see our BEST self despite all of our imperfections. But in order to know who our best self is, we have to learn it first, and sometimes that means exposing ourselves to others so that we can understand what it is we truly want and need. We won’t learn who we are by being pent up in the house, and a couple years of loneliness can make us become unglued at a moment’s notice if we’re not careful. That first date after a 2 year hiatus can wreak havoc on you mentally and emotionally, so if nothing else, you should date all types of men just to get some practice. If a date turns out to be a disaster, so what? You’ll meet someone else tomorrow. For every Saturday night that you spend alone or with girlfriends, there are several potential dates out there somewhere waiting to be had with a guy who just might throw you for a loop and knock your socks off.

To me, your 20’s are for figuring it all out. In my 20’s, I’d go on dates with guys I didn’t really think I’d like, only to be pleasantly surprised. Sometimes I didn’t feel like being bothered, and I’d lie and say I had a man or that I was moving to Africa so they’d leave me alone. Who knows what I missed out on? Now that I’m in my mid 30’s with no man in sight, I feel confident in accepting dates and getting to know people, if for no other reason that to possibly make a new friend.

Dating doesn’t always have to lead to something. Think of it as doing your homework. When Mr. Right finally does come along, think of how much he’ll appreciate all the hard work you did in finding him - cuz after all, you won’t find him sitting at home. The parade of men who will have preceded him will help you to know yourself better. The Mr. Wrongs will teach you when to speak up, when to stay quiet and listen when you need to, to pay attention to what you want in a relationship, and what you don’t want. They will undoubtedly teach you how to appreciate the man who, in the end, will be the one to capture your heart. And he just may be the Fedex guy.

-b

16 comments:

annamaria said...

First bitches

annamaria said...

Business suit doesn't always equal Mr.Right.. Ie:Bernie Madoff, Jim McGreavy, etc..
Its a persons heart & personality that make him/her Mr Right or Wrong. And I know personally past relationships help me appreciate what I have in my Mr.Right!
Didn't the attorney in soul food end up with the fedex dude?? Lol

Anonymous said...

Sounds like shorty wants a corrupt AIG dude, getting her gold-dig on. Part of the black woman tend to be picky process--knowing there's a lack of black men out there (jail, drug dealing, gang banging). Blue collar men dedicate to hard work and the prissy types don't like that. Typical PG county chick.

Midnight said...

that French Fry blog guy is really smart.....

Rameer said...

My man at McDonald's *stays* playing these type of chicks...

annamaria said...

***Taking my shank out on Anonymous***
My honey works at AIG. And he's not corrupt at all!

Brooke said...

You all are so funny :-)

The Cable Guy said...

I know women who will go on a date just for the free meal, so I find it sad that your girl didn't take ANY of these men up on their offer just cuz they didn't wear a suit. She should check herself, and ask herself why the men in suits weren't asking HER out. Maybe they didn't think she was in THEIR league. I wonder how that would make her feel?

It's sad when women get in their own way. And Annamaria is right, not every dude in a suit is a good guy. Matter of fact, those are the ones using their asses cuz they know they look for superficial things. They might be the worst ones if you ask me.

Rameer said...

**applauds Captain Cable**

DMoe said...

Brookey scores another great blog.

Scenarios like this put things in perspective for both sexes. The irony is that mr.right may be working for fedex while pursuing his pre-med degree, but you'd never know.

Then again, the dude in the suit viewed as a "pretty boy/not my style" may do all his own landscaping and car repairs, while doing carpentry as a hobby when he's not volunteering with blind children.

But you'd never know.

Excellent topic.

The doors of the church are open...

DMoe aka Reverend Brown

Brooke said...

I agree with all said here. I know plenty of dudes who wear suits everyday, dressed fresh to death...and are complete assholes. Don't let the suits fool you.

They're the ones who think they're a commodity, and that every woman should want them. What you wear doesn't dictate your heart or your spirit. And suits don't indicate intelligence or status.

There are men who work in our mailroom who wear a suit and tie to work everyday, so by her own standards, they should be suitable to date her. It makes no sense. And I know men who don't own a suit - like my brother in law who owns his own pizza shop - who is an awesome husband and father and is just as dedicated, smart and ambitious as they come. She could be blocking her blessing all because she perceives a suit to be an indication of if he's a good guy or not. Sad.

Powerz said...

"men in suits" is her pre-requisite to date men? really? she obviously is looking for the superficial and will definitley miss out what a good man really is

I personally love wearing my suits and I love my Artful Dodgers and 95airmaxes but niether outfit changes nor defines who I am...

Brooke said...

I know that's right Austin! Annamaria always says she likes that you can wear a suit and rock some timbs at the same time! Personal style is nice, but not as important as integrity.

annamaria said...

Not only that BUT if the chick hasn't had a date in 2 years how does she know what she likes??? She can say she likes a man in a suit because that's what's catching her eye but may be bored to death when a suithead takes her on a date. The fedex dude might stimulate her mind more...Or other parts of her. Lol

Qboro said...

She has a lot to learn and it seems like she'll be learning it the hard way.

Brooke said...

I agree...and that's what your 20's are for...learning.

But in her late 20's, I would think she would have figured out by now that a suit doesn't necessarily equal a "good catch."

I was just surprised at how many dates she probably turned down!

And I told her that SHE could do the asking too! She looked at me like I had three heads :)

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