Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hooking Up!

Happy Hump Day!

I am pleased to announce that I have my first FEMALE GUEST BLOGGER! She is a beautiful sister-friend by the name of Serena Wills, a fellow SU alum and a member of my Spiritual Team! Introducing Serena!

Thank you Brooke for this opportunity to be a guest blogger! I love the good conversation and comments that go back and forth from day to day. But after a conversation on Saturday night with a friend of mine, I emailed Brooke the next day and asked her if I could address the peeps on Hookin Up!

Now, immediately one thinks of hooking up as sex or getting with that brother/sister you’ve been digging for a while. In fact, I’m talking about when your peeps think that just because you are single that you need to be hooked up!

Let me break down to y’all my frustrations, and I want to see if it’s just indeed me or if others have fallen prey to this as well. Brooke put out a blog a while ago talking about how her married friends won’t hook her up. Well I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. I have married friends out here in Dallas, TX who think that there’s a problem with the fact that I’m single. Granted I love hearing, “You are just too wonderful and the perfect man is out there for you and oh you deserve the best and a good man who will treat you right.”

This is all good and I agree, but I have a few in particular that are so insistent on seeing me with a man that on every conversation (or almost every one) they are talking about…“Ooooh girl, I got someone for you. He’s tall like you, drives a Benz and is a principal of a high school.” Or the one I loved was, “Re, I got the perfect guy for you. He’s the parking lot attendant for my building and he’s tall, seems nice and at least we know he has a job.”

First off, it’s not about what he’s driving because for all they know it could be in his Mama’s name, and yes the parking lot attendant may be cute and yes he has a job, but is that all you looked for when you married your husband?

About every week I’m hearing about a mystery guy that the Hook Up Committee I call 'em wants to match me up with. Now, this is the funny part…I never asked to be hooked up! If anything, I love being single and satisfied! But ever since the storm blew over with my ex-boyfriend back in mid 2007 they have been on a mission to get me connected with someone.

It’s bad enough I hear this outside of work, but on my team at work I’m the only single person. So as we are out and about in the community, my teammates who I love dearly will tell me, “Hey did you meet that recreation center director, I think he’s sweet for you.”

I’m like "What the...?"…we are trying to have a meeting with Mr. Rec Center Director and yes I know he’s sweet on me and if he were a grown a** man he would tell me that he wants to take me out and not call the office asking my Director if I’m seeing anyone, what do I have on today (oh yes I’m serious y’all), and I’m a good man…I pay my bills on time and cut my lawn.


The one thing that I’ve truly learned from being out here in Dallas almost three years is to truly let God lead him to me. If it happens to be through a friend then fine, but it shouldn’t be forced or shoved down my throat. I also want someone that I can compliment and not complete. You should already be complete when he/she comes to the table. No one, and I mean no one, should be in the business of saying, “Oh he or she completes me.” You should be 100% from the door and that person is also there with you and compliments you even more.

Yes I’m from the east coast (New York Stand Up!) and I used to live in the DC area for almost 9 years. Am I hearing this from my friends on the east side?…no. It’s truly a southern thing. People out here get so worried about a woman who's single, in her almost mid thirties, no children…what’s wrong with her? Then I have to tell them…I’m a Divine Mold created by Him and when the time is right He will present my husband to me and there won’t be no question about it! Check out the poem on my blog titled Divine Mold if you’re ever in a moment where you don’t believe he/she’s out there.

When I told this to an associate of mine, (cause not everyone needs to be your friends) she said, “Girl please, I’m in the business of helping myself and no longer in that self help mode in regards to waiting. I don’t have time to wait around; I have to find him myself.” I just threw my hands up and walked away!

So on that note, tell me your hook up drama - if you’ve fallen prey by your friends that are married and want you to join the circle so bad that they are throwing people your way to meet, or even a blind date dilemma.

This is Serena signing off…check out my blog at


(P.S. Serena's birthday is on Friday!)


Georgia Peach said...

Serena! Loved the blog girl...oh I'm first today...please don't tase me Annamaria! ;o) I just have to say that Serena hooking people up is indeed a southern thing because I grew up down in GA and all throughout college I dealt with the same thing. now that I'm here in NYC - crickets are chirping -much like Brooke no one wants to hook my butt up. I also agree that your Rec. Director needs to get off his ass...I hate it when men act like they are still in elementary school - get a life and if you're interested say something about it. It's also true that people seem to get so desperate for you that they want to hook you up with anything with three legs - the parking attendant, wtf? So I say it sounds like you know what you're doing. Keep your head up and represent in Dallas for the rest of the strong, single sisters out there!

Brooke said...

Damn Glee! How did you beat me on my own damn blog!? I posted it late last night (or early this morning) and then realized I had to finish my self eval for work and thought "ah, I'll just come back and comment first thing in the morning." Daayyuumm! All good tho :-)

So I said in a previous blog, I can't really relate. The only person constantly looking for me is my sister, otherwise...crickets...just like you said. NO ONE wants to hook you ONE.

Regarding the Rec. Director, he's wack. Calling to see what you are wearing that day? Are you serious? What happened to the men who used to state their interest, who courted you the correct way? And by correct, I don't mean the one who yells, "yo ma!" as you walk down the street. Or the ones who want you to chase THEM even though THEY ARE the ones with the interest. Man up! Women are asserting themselves and stating their interest more these days - which I think is a good thing - but it seems like men have fallen back COMPLETELY...except when it comes to which they have NO problem stating their desire - not GENUINE INTEREST...big difference.

Anyway, sounds to me Serena like you have the correct mindset when it comes to allowing God to present your future mate to you. Tell all your married friends to leave you alone. Just like I wanted to yell "stop asking me" you can yell "Fall Back!" LOL!

Great post!

Anonymous said...

Glee...I won't tase you THIS TIME!!! LMAO.. Don't let it happen again! lol..
Brooke: I done told you about posting so damn late or Some of us are sleeping!!! lol
Serena: GREAT BLOG GIRL!!!!!!
People seem to have a misconception that single means miserable. And in many cases that isn't so. Yes it can get lonely at times BUT for my single sisters that I know who got there shit together it can mean FABULOUS!!! I respect & admire all my single ladies who got themselves together & said F*ck it when the right man FINDS ME then we'll do this but until then I will be doing my thing. Hook ups are WACK because most of the time the person isn't looking into qualities that you would look for yourself they are just hooking you up cause both parties are single.. I've only had ONE hookup where I have to say I gave props to my friend. Brother looked like Morris Chestnut & was a sweetheart to match, intelligent, hardworking etc etc. We had a really good time hanging out & stuff but neither of us wanted to commit at the time so we went our seperate ways. No drama no hard feelings & no problems.. Tell the down south people to be easy & leave you alone before I go down there & tase someone.
LASTLY: (cause I am babbling) The right man should go out of his way to get your attention & BE A MAN & ask you out properly. NOT ask someone else to do it. He should have his shit together & be able to be the man you ladies need him to be. You are all AMAZING women & deserve the men to match!


Peggy said...

Welcome Serena, good blog!
I think you're on the right track, can't go wrong waiting on God.
I think it may be a cultural thing also. Being from the Carribean I've gotten it at diffent times in my life.
As far as hooking up, never needed it nor do I appreciate it. I actually have been offended by it, I know it comes from a good place because of the people who have wanted to hook me up were my loved ones, but PLEASE don't do me any favors.
Annamaria, I like your response cause that's the way my mind frame was before I met my Boo ("F*ck it when the right man FINDS ME then we'll do this but until then I will be doing my thing")
I was happily single and now that I'm in a relationship I'm happily involved and committed and when we get married (God-willing of course) I will be happily married.
Who I am is who I am...happy!

momo925 said...

Serena I hear you. My friend text me from a restaraunt saying the waiter was a cutie and that she could give him my number! lol All I can think is Damn do I look that desperate? I think the best things come along when you are not looking for them so right now I'm just working on myself so when It does...I am already the person I need to be.

The Rec. Director sounds like he's scurred. lol Seriously, why can't men step up and be men? You think they learn at some point but I guess not.

Brooke said...

I guess I look at hooking up like this: If I ask you to, then by all means, but if I don't ask you to, then don't. Simple as that. I'd have no problem with my friends looking out for me, but it has to be sincere. I feel that my good friends know me better than anyone, so if they know of someone who they feel I might get along with, I'm not offended. I know my sister isn't just trying to hook me up with just ANYONE...and I trust her judgment. But Serena's coworkers sound like they just want her to be with ANYONE, not someone they genuinely feel would be a good match for her.

Like Serena said, you never know how God will present someone to you. It may be through a friend, or he may simply walk up to you in the grocery store and strike up a conversation. I know people who have gone on to be married because someone set them up on a blind date, so I'm not knocking hookups at all...that may be God's way. But Serena is right, it shouldn't be forced and it should come from a sincere place where people have your best interest at heart.

Peggy said...

Absolutely loved ones were all sincere in wanting me to find love, but I let it be known that I personally didn't want it in the way of a hook up.
Not knocking those who don't have a problem with it.

I have two very dear friends of mine who are now married to men they met on a dating web-site. Another thing that's not me, but it worked for them.

It's about what works for you and whatever you're comfortable with and where you are at in life.

Unknown said...

Good Morning Everyone,

This is a good topic of conversation. I think that you should walk you path of life and be open and clear to what you want and you will get what you want whether you are hooked up, meet at Starbucks, at a party or wherever.

Usually it happens unexpectedly but the end result is that it happens. At times we block people out of our lives because we are not clear or ready for it.

You have to be good within to be able to give to someone else.

It is not difficult but as people get older you tend to make it more difficult than it really is.

. said...

Great topic! But I've never wanted to or needed to be hooked up. I'm usually doing me and enjoying life to the fullest and someone I find interesting and wouldn't mind getting to know better comes along (him feeling the same) and I like it that way. The ONE will find me. God will take care of that. I am sure of that.

Brooke said...

Absolutely right Peggy, it's about what works for each person. I'm glad Serena wrote a blog that looks at it from the opposite standpoint. Everyone is different, and as long as her friends and coworkers or associates respect her and her decision, all will work out the way it's supposed to.

Anonymous said...

I met my wife through a friend. I know it's not for everyone, adn I was saying the same thing - "I don't want to be hooked up!" But I would have blocked my blessing had I not been willing. Yes, God will bring you to that right person, but you don't know how.

Serena, I understand that you're doing your own thang. But sometimes while you're "doing you" you close yoru eyes to what may be right in front of your face. Now, I know you may not like being hooked up with teh parking attendent, but at the same time, open up a bit. Everyone keeps sayign God will do it, but God can't give you what your not open to. Especially if God is using another vessel to bring you that blessing. All I'm saying is, unless you know God's every move, how do you know he's not using someone else to bring it to you? You can't say you trust God but then say "I don't wanna be hooked up" - cause you don't know how God will give it to you. It can't work both ways. Trust me, I know.

Brooke said...

I think it depends on your comfort zone. Some people aren't comfortable dating online, so they don't do it. Some people aren't comfortable going to clubs, so they don't do it. And sometimes people aren't comfortable with being set they don't do it.

Personally, I work long hours. I don't frequent clubs. I meet people in various ways, and I'm pretty open to most things. I try not to shut anything down or out because you never know. But some ways of doing things may be out of the realm of people's comfort zones, which I think is different than closing yourself off completely.

I am a total believer in "God gives nothing to those who have their arms crossed." I think we can sometimes play a hand in our own lives and create our own luck. But if you're not comfortable with a certain situation, you have to be honest with yourself and those around you. Serena is honest when she says she doesn't feel comfortable being set up. She has her reasons, so they should honor it.

Anonymous said...

Well, i'm curious then. what are the reasons? Is it because the people trying to hook her up aren't her friends and not doing it from the kindness of their own heart? Is it because she doesn't trust them or they don't know her type? Something tells me if they tried to hook her up with a Denzel lookalike (do yall still like Denzel?) who made alot of money and was a ceo instead of a parking attendent she wouldnt' mind so much. Or is it because shes stuck in this comfort zone you speak of? I'm just curious. By the way, is she here today? Are you her agent? lol!

Peggy said...

Tony, I'm with you on that, very good point.
I remind myself also that God knows me and I know He'll have and has had blessings for me packaged in ways I would have never expected and in places I would never think of...(my Boo)
Trusting God to me also entails knowing that God knows who I am and will meet my needs even where I'm at.

Brooke said...

LMAO!! No, I'm not her agent. I was actually thinking the same thing - where is she?? I guess I'm just in the habit of responding to comments. I hope she chimes in soon.

I agree Peggy, God knows your heart. We are each unique, no two of us are alike...and God made us that way. So He will deal with each of us differently and bring us our blessings in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to go about finding love, there's only God's way, and only He knows how that will happen, whether He brings you that man online, through a friend, while sitting still praying about it, or whatever. God's way is infinite, so I open myself to any and everything He may provide for me while living and loving life!

Serena W. said...

Hi everyone! I was in a staff meeting all morning and just got out! WOW!!!!!! Great conversation and I loved writing this blog. Let me just say this, for a while I was healing and didn't want to meet anyone. Coming out of a relationship that went sour and I felt that I needed to be alone for a little while. So now I'm opening up and to answer the people out here don't know my type. I've been here three years (almost) and I've met some of the men that peeps want to hook me up with and it's a no no. Eg the Rec Center Who happens to be in his mid 40's.

I did state that just cause he drives a Benz and has a good job doesn't make him the one. Heck he could be the parking lot attendant, waiter, etc. But when it presents itself it will and shouldn't be forced by a human being but divine. I never asked and didn't put it out there like that and truly enjoy being single and in this season of my life. I saw a comment that said, "Do I look desperate?" And that's how people feel when they get the crazy calls saying, "Yo girl y'all would look good together, he's nice and tall." What does that mean? Just cause he's tall and nice makes him my type?

But it's truly a cultural thing out here, it's a southern thing for sure with hook ups. But sisters and even brothers shouldn't be noted as "shut down." One never knows. I may meet the man of my dreams through a friend and it will be natural...not forced.

. said...

BTW Serena - Regarding "You should be 100% from the door and that person is also there with you and compliments you even more." I agree with you 100% on that one! People use the term he/she completes me often and I always think to myself...Do you even know what you are saying?! Many of my friends know that that term annoys the crap outta me (Duane just pointed that out to oh that comment on the blog today so reminded me of how you feel about that). I mean I do understand feeling like someone fits perfect into your life, complementing each other, being a great match and team but you should feel/be complete.

Serena W. said...

I will admit I was one back in the day to say...oh he completes me. My Grandmother and a couple of other elders and even pastors stated...imagine if a person completes you and then something happens and y'all break up...then what. A piece of you walked out the door with them? So I agree and stand by that the person should compliment you :)

Going back to the north in the earlier comments I so agree on the crickets chirping. I lived up north for years on end and no one would hook each other up. I got hooked up a couple of times and it wasn't a good fit. I would be curious to know what it's like on the west coast since the east has chimed in and the south...even the Caribbean chimed in as well.

Rene The Harlemite said...

Hey Serena! Great Blog!

I would say feel good that people want to see you hooked up but on the same note you should be happy with yourself before hooking up with anyone.

Some people don't want to hook up people because they dont want to be in the middle of a something. And sometimes the people in the relationship but that person in the middle if something goes wrong and blame them...I have seen it happen to people.

I would not worry about the hookup.If it happens it happens. You will be fine. Just focus on being happy. Love is Hapiness.

Serena W. said...

Thanks Rene for chiming in! Love is happiness and in a previous blog (making up for the three hours I was kidnapped in a staff meeting). You gotta have the right mindset. I'm not saying everything will be perfect. But you def. wanna be happy with yourself and that will definitely show in your relationship.

And yeah...I saw friendships go down because of really bad hook ups. Shame.

Brooke said...

That makes no sense to me. If I suggest a friend to another friend, then hopefully all parties involved would behave as civilized adults. didn't work out, so what? How can you blame your friend for something gone wrong in YOUR dealings with someone else? That's immaturity at its best. Unless you DIRECTLY affected THEIR relationship or involved yourself, then a failed relationship is only between those involved. I'm sure is happens, but I just don't understand it.

BTW, some of you have written me personally asking me why I delete comments. But I want you to know that I don't do that. When you see "This post has been removed by the author" - it means it was deleted by the author of THE COMMENT, not the BLOG. I wouldn't delete anyone's comment unless they asked me to, so I just want to clear that up!

Anonymous said...

I see that the last comment was left at around 2:30, I guess you guys are finally going home early.....Well anyway my two cents are I agree with a lot that Tony said but then my question is if these people are your friends why are they trying to hook you up with just anybody? And if they are not your friends why don't you tell them to just mind their business. Clearly a true friend would either have your best interest at heart or would mind their business...?

To me its like Brooke's friends who are totally against being an unwed mother but ask her about when she's gonna have kids when you know she's not in a committed relationship? That's a true friend?

Maybe you won't understand what I'm trying to say, but my point is ..If I were Sereena's "friend" I would be looking for the best possible match, not just to hook her up?

Let me not even get started because this to me is a friendship issue not a don't hook me up issue.
Then again I have not dated in awhile nor have I needed to be hooked up, so maybe I am still cranky from yesterdays blog....

Brooke said...

I can see this from all sides, and Nicole, I think you're right, it's about sincerity and people's motives. I know some people in the south just want to see her hooked up and it's a cultural thing, so I'm trying not to pass judgement. How people are from region to nationality to culture is totally different. So if Serena, coming from the NYC, steps into a culture where everyone is trying to hook her up cuz that's what they do in the south, then to me you have to just chalk it up to "this is what comes with the territory" when deciding to live in Texas...or anywhere else.

Moving to NYC was a culture shock to me, and it's only 2 hours up the turnpike from Philly. Men here are TOTALLY different than men in good AND bad ways. But again, you have to chalk it up to "this is where I live now and this is what comes with it."

Dating, in MY opinion, is more difficult in NY. Anyone who knows me from Philly knows that I've NEVER asked to be hooked up before I moved here. But because dating is different here, I had to try something different. Meeting people in Philly is a lil different than meeting men here. Instead of saying "I don't wanna be hooked up, I don't need that," I adapted to my new situation. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. For women who are native New Yorkers, maybe they're used to this dating scene, so that's why they don't want to be hooked up or feel they need to be. Each person comes with different experiences and perspectives, and no one's is right or wrong.

Nicole said something that I think I touched on already, and that is the element of friendship. Serena's coworkers and associates don't know her well enough to hook her up. I ask my FRIENDS to hook me up, not random people. These are people I trust. I truly believe (and HOPE) that my friends have my best interest at heart. I can't get mad at them for wanting me to be happy. I can get mad tho, if they say they're my friends, but then try to hook me up with someone random for no reason. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking, and I don't think asking to be hooked up is equal to not trusting God. It's no different to me than asking friends to send job leads your way if they know you're in the market to get a job or change positions or careers, etc. It's all about perspective.

I agree with Tony...if these same people were sending GREAT guys your way Serena, there would be no complaints. I think it's more about the TYPE of men they're throwing your way than the fact that they're doing it. Sometimes we havae to be clear about what we're really bothered by.

I don't think any of us NEEDS to be hooked up. I don't NEED to meet people thru my friends. I meet men all the time and have never had a problem in that area. To me, it's about narrowing your search, or taking out the difficulty of weeding thru a gazillion people. We meet people everyday, but we can't date them all to find out if they're worthy of our attention. I feel like good people surround themselves with good people, so why not ask one of my good people if they know another good person who I may enjoy hanging out with? To me it makes perfect sense. To others, maybe not so much...but there is certainly nothing wrong with it.

One of my good friends is currently dating a man that her friends told her she should meet. He's a GREAT guy and she's enjoying herself. If it works out, WONDERFUL! If not, she still made a good friend. But her friends knew both of them and wanted the best for two good people - and isn't that friends do for each other? To me, it's all about the thought and motives behind the action. True friends want to see you happy, and that's a blessing to me. Nosey coworkers on the other hand, need to back away.

My VERY LONG opinion :-)

Serena W. said...

Yeah I think people are going home early, it's 5:00pm out here and I'm about to head out. I think that they think they have my best interest at heart when they don't. As I stated before a lot of these people are new in my life (I've been here almost three years). Some have been in my life for two years which is a good amount of time to know someone you would think. But I also hear this hook up thing from other people and the ones I hear it from the most out here are like me...they aren't from here (transplants). Most are from the north, west coast, etc. So there are two ways to look at it and I'm glad this blog opened up a lot of dialogue and conversation about "Hooking Up." You gotta live in the south to see what I'm talking about as one sista's a cultural thing out here to be married with kids by now. But ah well. I'm happy on my side of the fence, single, satisfied and blessed until the right one comes along. I'll check in later. Can't wait to see tomorrow's blog.

Serena W. said...

Brooke you're in my head, we were both writing at the same time lol! Well said and it's funny I lived in DC area for almost nine years after SU so I never really lived my "adult life" in NYC. The friends I do have there meet dudes randomly and they just chat or like you said Brooke, if your friend truly knows you and they introduce you to someone then great. But that person knows you well enough and has your interests in mind. But again I can speak from living in the DC area and what's so funny to me is that the brothers I dated in the DC area weren't from DC lol. They were from New York and one was from Florida (transplants like me).

Again this area can be looked at from so many different angles. But a person needs to do what's best for them and yes step out the comfort zone which I've done and have met people in a variety of venues. But it's just a different world out here in TX and I think the south in general.

Dang Brooke I was trying to leave and read your comment lol!!!!

Brooke said...

Ha! Got you stuck! Girl, go home! And thank you so much for being my guest today, great discussion!

Serena W. said...

You are so welcome Brooke and thank you everyone for chiming in!!!!! Great convo, peace and blessings and again check out my blog for updates on events I'm at, publications, inspiring poetry and more. one luv!

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