Friday, January 29, 2010
TGIF mi gente!
Instead of my Friday Sexy Survey, I thought I'd try something a little different today. Yolanda suggested we make Sexy Friday's about connecting sexy singles - and y'all know I'm all about the hook-up :-) So today, I'm introducing a sexy single who will also be my guest blogger. I met him at the gym in boxing class, and we've been buddies ever since. He's a twenty-something year old actor, model, and all around hottie - and he has some things to get off his chiseled chest when it comes to dating and what we SAY we want in relationships. Show him some love!
Why Make Things Harder Than They Need to Be?
by Christopher Pollard
First off, I would like to thank Brooke for giving me the opportunity to guest blog today. This is something that has been on my mind for a while in regards to dating and relationships. Nowadays, I have NO clue why some men/women make things harder than they need to be. I have to touch on the men first.
The majority of men (not all, but some) want to treat women however we see fit. We’ll show the nice, sweet and sensitive side of us when we want THAT girl. We’ll romance her, tell her sweet things and make her feel as if she’s the best thing that ever happened. Then when we know we have them (as far as marriage or hence forth), we turn the tables on them by cheating, hitting them, etc. - which I don’t understand. If I meet that “one” for me - she has a great personality, down to earth, beautiful, intelligent, faithful and I know the relationship is worth having - why would I want to fuck that up? The crazy thing is, these types “win” and get away with it, and the women stay with them. I don’t get it - and it messes it up for others who are “men” and do right by their lady. I feel that the ones who do this bullshit came out of someone’s ass - especially for all the shit they’ll put woman through.
I mean...I came from a woman, and I have eight sisters. I base all my actions on how I treat women around them. I'll be damned if I let someone hurt my sisters - cause I’ll hurt them. But yet, men who DO have siblings and a mother who still choose to act this way are proving themselves to be hypocrites when they turn around and get mad at the next man who mistreats one of their own when they mistreat women as well. A REAL MAN protects his woman from getting hurt - they don’t cause it any way, shape or form.
Now ladies, you are just as bad sometimes also. I understand a lot of you have been hurt by some men, but some of ya’ll take it waaaayyy too far and don’t know how to spot someone good. Some complain and complain about how there aren’t any good men out there, but yet when you finally DO meet one, you treat it as if it’s a language you can’t understand. Why do you ladies feel that you don’t deserve a good man just because all you’re used to is crap?? If you’re a good woman, I feel you deserve a good man. You pray to God hoping that He will bless you with someone worthwhile, and when you get it, you take it for granted….WHY???? It makes noooo sense whatsoever.
To be honest with you, if that’s the case stop wasting your time by praying for one. Why do it in the first place if you can’t receive that blessing? What some of you should do is stop thinking that every guy is the same just because he has a penis. Just because the last person mistreated you doesn't mean that the next one will as well. Remember, not every guy shares the same mindset or last name.
Lastly, if you're in a relationship with someone who's messed up, don't venture out looking for someone who will give you what the guy you're with isn't giving you while you're still with him. Frankly, in my view, that's kind of selfish - and not fair to the other person who IS giving you what you know you deserve and who you know you SHOULD be with. Or (and this applies to both sexes as well) you’ll deal with the next man, but yet you’re not over your ex when he treated you like crap.
Honestly I just feel that some people continue spinning the wheels on this cycle when it should be broken. Some need to stop using other men and women who are sincere as “punching bags” because of what the last few have done to you. His/her issues are not the next ones. If you feel you need to take out your frustrations on something, join a gym and hit a bag…..literally. Take ALL the frustration you want out on that bag! You might feel better and get all that energy out. Stop running games on others - because if they wanted to play games with you, they'd invite you over to play Monopoly, XBox or PS3 (if they have it that is lol). Also, stop using the saying “No one's perfect” just to excuse the bullshit that you're doing to others. If you’re not perfect, make yourself better for you and your possible future relationship.
These are just some of my thoughts on relationships, and this is coming from a guy who’s in his 20's - an age bracket that most would view a male to be “immature”. Hopefully I gave you guys some food for thought. Feel free to comment. Take care all…..
-Christopher
37 comments:
FIRST BITCHES!!!
Ha! I beat Jay today!
Okay, first of all, Brooke, I must say, you know some FINE ASS MEN!!
I have to guess that the ONLY reason you haven't tried to scoop this hottie up is because he's too young for you??? Girl, you might need to rethink that! LOL!
Anyway, good blog Chris. I agree, I think women are so used to the assholes out here that when a good guy comes around, we literally think it's too good to be true. We're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been guilty of this as well, but after taking some time off from dating and discovering more about myself and what I know I deserve, I've been able to accept a good guy when I meet him. I know I deserve one and will have one one day.
And if you're a good guy and you're single, holla at me! LOL!!
Damn Brooke, you know some cuties!
Good blog Chris! Tell us how you really feel!!! LOL!!
It just goes to show that the games never stop, no matter what age you are. I'm in my late 20's, and the games continue to play from when I was a teenager til now. And from some of the things Brooke has written about as a woman in her 30's, I'm sure the games will continue once I reach that age too. It IS a cycle that needs to be broken - and only then will we find the relationships that we're looking for.
So Chris, are you open to getting to know any of Brooke's commenters? (hint, hint) :-)
Brooke,
Why haven't you gotten with this man??? If I was single, giirrrllll!
Anyway, you speak the truth Chris, and I hear the frustration in your post. Good guys have to sometimes pay the price for all the jerks out there who mistreat women simply because they can - and I blame women for that.
If we insisted on being treated better and held men to a certain standard, then they'd have no choice but to man up. We have the power as women to do that, but we don't exercise it enough. People treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you, so we can't blame men all the time for being jerks when we don't correct them or make them treat us with respect.
That's not to excuse men for their behavior. Like Chris said, think of how you'd want a man to treat your mother or your sisters, and then act accordingly. It's not that hard to figure out, but I guess it's hard to do the right thing sometimes when it's so easy to get away with treating someone how you want to for your own gain.
Good blog Chris, and thanks Brooke for the sexy Friday single of the day. I can't go after him, but some eye candy is never a bad thing! :-)
Good blog bruh, I guess I'll be the only guy brave enough to step up and comment first in the midst of all the ladies making googly eyes at my man :) LOL!
Anyway, I think he echos the sentiments of many of us "good guys" out there. We scratch our heads wondering why a woman can't see us for the good guys that we are, until we realize she's making us pay for another dude's mistakes. It's actually sad when we come across beautiful women who don't know their worth.
But this is sometimes what will turn a good guy bad - and then the dysfunctional cycle continues. Men think that women want a "bad guy" - so we act like one in order to get your attention - because that's all you seem to see or want. It takes a certain man and level of maturity to realize that he shouldn't become a jerk just to get play. There are plenty of good women out there who KNOW what they deserve and won't settle for less -and those are the women - the REAL women - a good guy should want. If he feels he needs to become a jerk just to get some, then he's not a real man.
Thanks for the blog, my dude.
Excellent choice in a guest blog...
Jay touched on some things that I agree with, and Chris' point about the "ideas" carried from one relationship to the next are really crucial in how 'we' can get along with that current person.
In my opinion, the 'good guy' does finish last often in our world. Basically because, the things that are his strong qualities can't be readily seen by the naked eye.
One other note is that a certain kind of guy may not "be perfect" but he makes his normal, human mistakes in a certain way that doesn't go beyond the boundaries of disrespect and disloyalty.
Also, 'good people' can be in relationships with people where they eventually appear to be a 'bad person' based on those pre-existing conditions/thoughts in the head of the other person.
Your friend and mine,
Dmoe aka Smallie Biggs
Well, you all already know how I feel about nice guys finishing last - but sometimes finishing last is worth the wait ;)
(It was DEFINITELY worth waiting for)
But like Jay said, you have to stand true to your beliefs and not give into becoming a "bad guy" just to get some. I was tempted to do that, but found that I wasn't getting what I wanted THAT way either. If I wanted sex, then yes, I could be a jerk. But I want something meaningful, and the only way to have that is to be a good guy so I can attract a genuinely good woman. And it paid off.
I didn't want to continue that cycle, and was rewarded for it. Women should do the same thing. Hold out for that good guy and don't make him pay for someone else's mistakes. Take a chance and you'll be rewarded for it too.
I have met a few guys that subscribe the to the notion "jerks get all the women". They say that when they are nice, the women walk all over them, but the minute they put on their jerk hats, the women can't get enough. Maybe its true or perhaps as Jay said, it's a maturity thing. Maybe the women are carrying baggage from their last relationship.
Chris hang in there lol! Seems a lot of us on this blog are going through similar things being single no matter what age. All we can do is be the best people we can be and hope that the right person comes along.
I'm curious, with all the posts that have been posted by Brooke on relationships, I wonder how many have actually took the advice that was given, used it, and was able to find the man or women that fits what they are looking for? I only ask because a lot of advice has been given since Brooke started her blog and I wonder if there are any successes out there?
It would be nice to hear some success stories. In short order here is my golden list:
For Women:
Do not sleep with a man until you are married
Do not gauge a man's character by JUST his net worth (although it's somewhat important)
Be weary of forcing men to participate in traditions that have been indoctrinated by other cultures (i.e Valentine's Day, creating anniversaries for everything, yes even asking for diamonds for engagement rings etc)
Do not get relationship advice from any magazines. There is a conflict of interest. They are paid to increase circulation and will feed you what you want to hear rather than what you need to know.
For Men:
Do not sleep with a woman until you are married to her
Do not gauge a women's character by JUST her body and beauty (although it's somewhat important)
De-program yourself of the "hottentot venus" profile. Not every women is like this and if you stop watching hyper-sexualized content (pornography, sexually illicit videos or magazines), you would not have this fantasy.
Both genders:
Be Humble no matter how much money, beauty or power you have
Don't discriminate by superficial factors like race, ethnicity or class
Judge a man/women by the content of their character, piety, and ability to stand for truth
Brooke, you should run a poll that has two questions:
1. What gender are you?
2. Have you found a man/women that you want to marry since you've been reading my blog
3. Describe [open question]
If we hear more of the success stories, then people can follow the lead.
Read Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (9780688128166): Robert B. Cialdini. I know it might not seem like it, but bring great insight into human behavior and this applies to our relationships.
- Ox
LOL..I appreciate all the positive responses to the blog and good to hear that some actually can relate and recognize a good man
Thanks Ox!
I've never thought about any success stories as far as my blog is concerned. I guess because I don't, by any means, consider myself an expert on those things. I usually relate my experiences and give my opinions, but never think to follow up on it because I don't consider myself qualified as the resident guru on such things - especially since I'm no where near perfect in this area or am in a relationship myself.
But my commenters can feel free to chime in if they have any success stories! I'm curious now :)
Well, speaking for myself - Brooke posted a conversation between us and gave her feedback, as well as some of the commenters. The responses helped me to realize that nice guys don't finish last, and that we're in demand and we should be patient.
I showed the blog to my girlfriend and she gained some insight into our relationship as well based on some of the comments made. It's actually helped us communicate better and the blog made it easier for me to broach the subject of nice guys and sex and relationships. So all in all, the blog has helped me in that regard.
As for the Golden List - everyone has their own and knows what works for them. Thanks for the book suggestion Ox - I'll give it a read.
@Ox,
I sent Brooke a "Dear Abby" type question on FB, and she used it as a blog topic and gave her advice. While I know Brooke may not consider herself an expert, I do think she gives sound advice and her input helped me reinforce some advice I had given a friend who was having relationship issues.
All of our experiences are different, so some of the advice given on this blog can be applied to or lives or not depending on our situation. Some of it we already know or agree with, other times Brooke writes something that gives me a different perspective - a side I never considered to a relationship or sex issue. And someimes she tells it like it is, and says what others are thinking but are afraid to say.
I enjoy the blog and all the comments/advice given on a daily basis, and maybe some of the things I've read have subconsciously helped me and I didn't even realize it.
I agree with Ms. Penn. I think I subconsciously remember things Brooke has written when I'm talking to a guy, or meet a new one. She gives advice in a funny, playful way - but she still drops some knowledge. Most of it I think we know already, but other times it makes you think about what you could or should be doing differently.
However, I especially like the comments that come from the men. I think their input is valuable, because they tend to be honest in their responses on how men think. It's not like they're worried about telling "man" secrets - especially Jay and Brooke's cousin Tony. They've been very open about their dealings with women and how men think, and I think it helps women to see how men deal and go through things.
Thanks for your golden rules Ox, I'll take them all into consideration! :-)
Word...so clearly there are many success stories and this is just what we hear. I'm sure there are others.
@Brooke, the "statistician" in me loves to see numbers. :-)
@All. No doubt there are different strokes for different folks. I do feel that there are some baseline items that we need to adhere too because there is a lot of conjecture out there. (not necessarily here, but out there in the information ether)
**Some of my suggestions are underscored by scientific evidence based physiological, biological, psychological studies. If anyone is interested, I would be happy to share.
** Not to say I hedge everything on science. Faith comes first, but math doesn't lie (unless you have a biased study.
I can say MOST advice doesn't apply to me, but enough did that I think it helped me get into the current relationship I have. So you can qualify ME as a success story if you like. I took some advice given to the ladies and applied it myself...
And Chris and Hov definitely were on-point. I think people just like when Jigga writes ANYTHING...cuz I said the same thing about good guys turning bad cuz women don't really want good guys a while back. Lolz...I think he just writes it in a more palatable manner. I just put it like it is, straight, no chaser - and many times not too smooth. But it's the same message...and I find most of Jigga's thoughts mirror mine more often than not.
Good blog. Truth is truth...and that was it!
No matter how the advice is put, I think we all have our own styles and we respond to others differently. I like Jay's points because he can be straight without being offensive or condescending. Not to say others are per se, but I think that's why most people like what he says, because it's truth, but not he doesn't give his opinions as if they're facts. He just gives us his opinions without ramming them down our throats or comes across like a know it all, and I respond to that...just as I'm sure others do.
For the most part, everyone gives great advice on the blog no matter how it's presented. And of course, Brooke sets the tone - and I respect her opinions.
Christopher!!! MARRY ME?!???!!!
That is all.
Thanks Stef, I appreciate that.
I'm far from an expert, but I've had experiences just like everyone else on the blog. I guess with age comes wisdom and maturity, but I don't feel I'm saying anything on the blog that folks don't already know. Most of the people who comment here have some good sense, and I look forward to reading everyone's thoughts on a daily basis on ANY topic - not just relationships.
@ Stef - it doesn't bother me in the least. I know when I've spoken the truth, regardless if anyone doesn't like how it comes out or not.
I just find it amusing. I'm pretty used to my opinions not being *everyone's cup of tea*.
Yolanda, I called first on Chris! LOL!!
@Rameer,
I know it doesn't bother you, and I wasn't necessarily addressing you specifically or suggesting that it DID bother you. I'm sure you don't care what we think as far as how your views are received, which is cool.
@Jay,
Anytime. I think you're a great, humble guy, and hopefully you'll find that special woman who appreciates how great you are (Brooke, hint hint) ;)
She has all these great men around her - where to even begin!? LOL! I guess Brooke can't have them ALL, LOL!! Send Chris my way! haha!
Not to belabor anything, but just to clarify - whether or not I care on how my views are received or who is or isn't accepting them is truly on a case by case basis. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, sometimes it's the person or persons. If I didn't care at all what *everyone* thinks on *every* subject, I wouldn't post at all.
I just am not one who is easily bothered by someone not agreeing with my opinion or the way it comes out. And depending on how that person comes at me is what may trigger the type of response I give.
There are times I've read YOUR opinion Stef and took it to heart and/or contemplated it. There are other times I've completely dismissed it. I'm sure you've done the same with me. Such is life...Brooke-Ra knows my mindset and how I am for the most part, and knows I try to respect her and her blog.
Differences in opinion occur. Such is life. I like this blog community, and that's why I chime in - and regardless of the way I drop it, I think most of what I say is valid and worthy to be added to the discussion...if for no other reason than to simply add yet another opinion to the pot.
I've noticed plenty of times someone will re-state something I've said or have similar thoughts, but don't meet with a similar response that I did. Doesn't bother me at all...it's just mildly amusing.
Sometimes we (people on the blog) agree, sometimes we don't. Such is life.
LOL!
Let me step back outta this mess, don't want Stef shankin me over a guest blogger! LOL!!
So Brooke, do you, or have you, "sparred" with Chris before? In "boxing class" that is? ;) LOL!
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist :)
LOL @ Jaz,
I wouldn't shank you over a guy I don't know, I was just messin with Yolanda :)
@Brooke,
curious to see how you or Chris answer Jaz's question, LOL!!
@Ox,
I'd be curious to read some of your findings. Maybe Brooke can have you guest blog again one day soon? Or if you have a blog, can you post the link?
Lmao...wow. Nah me and Brooke never "sparred". We're just good friends
Brooke, I need to hang with you if you have "good friends" like that! LOL! Are all your friends this FINE?! :)
How can you be single with "friends" like this around you? LOL!!
Oh please, no shanking. Tasing, I can deal with but shanking would scar up all this lovely caramel.
Hear that Chris...?
LOVELY CARAMEL!!!
I knew posting his pic would start some mess :) I blame Yolanda and her Sexy Friday Singles idea :)
Stef, if I was 10 years younger, I would gladly "spar" with Chris. I don't think I'm his type though :)
Ox can guest blog for me any day.
Well, when someone gets hooked up thanks to MY IDEA, please invite me to the wedding.
And make sure there are some shrimp on the reception menu, por favor!
(See Chris...I know a lil Spanglish too!)
@Brooke,
How can you NOT be anyone's type, fine as you are??
@Chris, good blog bruh. You must be blind though if Brooke isn't your type :)
But hey, that's works out well FOR ME! LOL! There's only room for ONE young guy in her life...ME! LOL!
But I'm sure Stef, Jaz and Yolanda are stunners as well - so you can have one of them :)
As for the blog, I know PLENTY of women who SAY they want this and that in a man, but wouldn't know it if slapped them in the face. I think women have a fairytale view of what they want from movies, not what they REALLY think they want or deserve for themselves. Then, when we don't fit into that chick flick ideal they have in their head, they complain there are no good men. Good men come in all shapes and sizes and packages. I think both men and women need to get in tune with reality and what really matters to them and then find someone who exemplifies all of those qualities. Until then, the games will only continue.
@Jay
This is going to be a shameless plug but I do have a blog called Why I Hate the Joneses and I wrote a post on relationships that some of the folks on this thread are familiar with:
Why are our Relationships do Disastrous?
The topics in my cover just about everything but this post in particular is just about relationships and my experiences. My wife put a couple words in there too. Just wanted to be fair and not be accused of being some male chauvinist, which I am not. :-)
@Brooke, how about it? Can a brotha get another post on your illustrious blog? I'll post my scientific findings on the natural ebb and flow of each gender.
- Ox
@Brook word..I posted my response after your response. LOL...Okay bet. I'll work on it and send you the goods when done. I'll just need a couple weeks.
Thanks Ox, no problem!
I don't know about "illustrious" - but at least you know you have a lively crowd :)
@Ox,
Thanks for the link, I'll check you out! And I'll be looking forward to your guest blog.
I just want to say thanks to everyone who posted their comments on the blog as well as Brooke again for allowing to "speak' on it as well. Hopefully I'll get to speak on something else soon. One time peoples!!!
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