Monday, January 11, 2010

Happy Monday everyone!

I'm sorry I didn't send out my usual email posting a link to the day's blog on Friday. I had to attend an offsite meeting all day and was no where near a computer - and my blackberry was acting up. Friday's blog was one of my usual surveys, and if you missed it, I'd love for you all to go back and check it out and respond. I love reading your answers to those, so if you have time...

My internet is also acting funky at home, so I wasn't able to write this blog last night - so sorry today's is late. But I wanted to write about dating...or what we THINK is dating.

A friend and I were discussing dating: who usually does the asking, fear of rejection, all that stuff. It occurred to me that I never really asked a man on a date FIRST, even though I've asked after the fact. I was then told that asking a man on a date AFTER I already knew that he liked me doesn't really count, because there's no fear of rejection involved. Good point...I can see that.

So then I took a poll of my friends that have asked guys on dates first, and some have told me that they have. Something like...

Friend: Yeah, I've asked a guy out before. I invited him over to watch the fight.

Me: So that was a date?

Friend: Of course it was, don't you think so?

Me: Not really. Did he ever take you out on a date after that?

Friend: Yes, he cooked me dinner.

Me: (sigh) Okay, but did he take you OUT anywhere after that?

Friend: Well...uh...lemme think.

Me: Never mind.

It occurred to me that a lot of my friends and I might have it twisted when we think we're "dating" or "seeing" someone. Are these "dates," a "hang-out" or simply an attempt to get the ass? You decide.

1. A Blockbuster Night. If a dude says he has dvd's and brings alcohol, is that really a "date"? I mean, I know we're in a recession and all, so getting dressed up and going to a restaurant may not always be possible - but is bringing over your Netflix pic of the month a date?

2. Watching the Game/Fight Party. Okay, you call up your dude on Sunday afternoon to ask what he's doing. If he's like most red-blooded American men, and it's football season, chances are he's watching the game...ANY game...SOME where. He actually picks up the phone, tells you he's watching the game (or about to go watch it somewhere) and you say, "I wanted to watch that game too." He says, "Okay, well you can come through if you want." You put on your cutest "game" outfit, some flirty lip gloss and head over to his spot or the sports bar where he is. Is that a date? You'd be surprised how many women I know think so. Coming over to watch the fight, especially if it's a party where there are a bunch of folks, may not qualify either.

3. Running Errands with him. If he asks you if you wanna tag along while he pays bills, goes to the bank, to drop off something at his mama's house or to the mall with him to buy sneakers - no, that's not a date. Just because y'all pick up Mickey D's along the way and he pays for it doesn't count.

4. Inviting you to hang over his boy's crib. No...not even close.

5. Home Cooked Meals. Now, this could be tricky. It depends on what the meal is. If he heats up some leftovers or orders Chinese, that's not a date. But if he actually had to go to the supermarket, prepare a marinade the night before, spend a few hours in the kitchen, lit some candles, had some nice music playing in the background and had flowers for you - then yes, you can consider that a date. He gets points if it actually tastes like the best meal you've ever had...and DOUBLE points if he doesn't try to get some and takes you home afterwards.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that all of the above scenarios aren't cool or that a man is trying to get in the panties if he does any of those things. Like I said, we're in a recession, so fancy dates that require you to go OUT might not always be possible. But just because you have no money doesn't mean you can't be creative and look for free, fun things to do OUTSIDE of the house.

And if you've already established a relationship or are comfortable with each other already (ie: he's your husband, boyfriend, friend with benefits) - then you can get away with doing any of the above.

But if you're in the courting, "getting-to-know-you" stage - then girlfriends, pay attention. Just because you're "seeing" him doesn't mean you're "dating" him - so just call it what it is, and have fun doing whatever it is you're doing. And fellas, if you took offense to any of these "date" ideas, then you need to get over it and step your pimp game up if this is all you can come up with. Jus sayin.



annamaria said...

First bitches

annamaria said...

Talk about multitasking! I was first and I was feeding the baby at the same time! Lol
Its a recession. #1 and the last one can count as a date.... The rest not sooo much...
Funny cause I don't think I've ever asked anyone on a date either except for my baby daddy... And at this point I know he aint gonna say no! Lol

Stef said...

Dammit Annamaria! I wanted to be first today!

Anyhoo - great list Brooke! And no, I don't consider ANY of these dates. At least not in the courting stage. I want to be asked out and planned for - not an after thought.

And I HAVE asked a guy out on a first date before. I had a feeling he might be interested, but wasn't sure because he was really shy and I thought I could be reading him wrong. I took a chance and asked him to dinner, and even picked HIM up. Needless to say he said yes and we had a great time. I don't do it often, but it was fun and exciting the first time I did it. It's actually an adrenaline rush wondering if he's going to say yes or I guess men can look at it that way too. It's a challenge, but I've never been rejected, so I can see how it might be daunting too.

Good topic Brooke!

Jay said...

Good list B, and I don't really consider most of these dates. While I've cooked for a woman before, it's usually AFTER I've taken a woman out on a few formal dates before. And I agree, a date doesn't have to cost alot of money, and can simply be meeting up in public for a coffee. Nothing wrong with that.

What I've found in MY experience and with dudes I know is that they'd have no problem taking a woman on a date, but find that most women don't REQUIRE them to. Like your friend Brooke, she thought inviting him over to watch the fight was a date? I think most women's standards have been lowered when it comes to dates and that a guy will see if she's willing to settle for one of the "dates" you listed rather than holding out to be taken out. In alot of cases, a man will respect that and take you out. But if you start off accepting blockbuster nights as a "date" then it'll be hard for him to reconsider later. I'm not saying he won't, but you've already set your standards too low.

Also, I've found that some guys have stopped asking women on real dates because some women don't appreciate the date. They don't say thank you after a man has bought you an expensive dinner, or you text your friends (or some other dude) or answer the phone while out on a date, or you look at him crazy after he's spent a grip on you and you seem like you're vibing when he goes in for the kiss on the cheek or that hug that you're saving for the BROKE dude who's at home waiting for you to come by on a late night drive by. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Some women date the guy who actually takes them out, but gives it up to the "blockbuster" dude.

I say all this to say, if you want to REALLY date a dude, either ask him and plan a real date, or don't settle for any of the scenarios Brooke listed upfront. These are okay after you've been kicking it a while, but not from the jump.

Midnight said...

I must say you get some great advice from your friends QB.....

Brooke said...

Jay! It's so funny you mentioned women dating certain men, but giving it up to the guys who won't take you out. That's going to be my blog on Wednesday! You read my mind! We'll get back to that later.

Kudos to you Stef on asking a guy out on a first date. I can't really recall doing that, so I guess I never did. That's great! More women should do it.

Brooke said...

Yes, I have special friends Midnight ;-)

Anonymous said...

A date is whatever the two parties agree to. There is no rule written or unwritted that states a date has to be a guy asking a girl out and taking her someplace. It can be in invitation to a home cooked meal or just some quality time together watching movie at the crib. It is more about the time spent together than where he takes you? Or who asks whom!!!
Annie Mae, Brooke & Steph, who pays when you ask someone on a date? Or is it not a date unles the guy pays either? If so why all the rules to dating?

Jaz said...

Brooke, this list is funny as hell! It's funny because MY ass has considered these "dates" before. Like you said, if we've already been kicking it, then cool. But as a FIRST date? Hell nah! I think we're just so glad to be finally hanging out with that FOINE dude, that we accept whatever time he gives us. I'm glad you put it out there that these are not real dates and if this is cool with us, then fine, but if not, stop fooling yourself!

Georgia Peach said...

So funny that this is your topic Brooke. I'm dealing with this very issue right now - guy is asking me or as they call it here "inviting me" to visit him (which involves me taking a train into his city) and just wants me to come to his house? I'm not sure it's worth my time and I don't really want to have to teach anyone about courting or dating despite cultural differences. And for the record I agree that none of these are dates except for maybe the last one if you've been seeing each other for a while...or like Annamaria mentioned that you have to take into account the recession.

Stef said...


I asked the guy out, picked him up AND paid for the date. I've even paid for dates when the guy has asked me, or gone dutch. I have no problem with that.

As for time spent, I agree. But come on son, me watching YOU watch the game is not a date. You bringing over movies and trying to have sex with me afterwards is NOT a date. It's called hanging out or hooking up. These are not rules, these are questions that Brooke is asking. She's leaving it up to us, and she specified that nothing is wrong with these things if you're cool with each other already. But a guy who NEVER takes you OUT in public is either not really interested or afraid to be seen with you, doesn't want to be seen with you or is afraid someone will see you with someone else.

Brooke said...


I didn't say it had to be an expensive place or where he takes you that matters. I said it could be free, so long as you both have a good time. Jay said it could be out for coffee. It's not about who pays and how much it costs. It IS about quality time spent.

However, like Stef said, if a guy never wants to hang out with you OUTSIDE of the crib, I think that's an issue. And again, nothing is wrong with any of those things, but I think sometimes men and women are confused about what they're really doing, or afraid to call it what it really is.

To answer your question - I've paid for plenty of dates in my day and have no problem doing so. If I feel he's worthy, appreciates me and values our time together - then I don't have a problem parting with my money.

Brooke said...


I'm always leary of men inviting me to their homes as a first date, if for nothing other than the safety factor. Be careful!

Rameer "The Circumstance" said...

Jay - you are DEAD ON POINT mentioning that "other dude" some women will call up after the date!!

Me and my boys have a name for it - "Grimey Al". We like to say "Boris Kodjoe will take 'em out to dinner and a night on the town and bring 'em home through the front door, and as soon as he's walking out the front, Grimey Al is coming in the back smellin' like blunts and Henny - ready to WRECK SHOP."

I HATE that about some women. And it can literally be ANY woman - smart, educated, uneducated, high class, low class, whatever. And I've actually benefited from this - people used to say I'm a nice guy in a bad guy's clothing. Hey - I'd just play off of the nature of certain women.

Gotta admit - when I was in college, I was THE KING of the Blockbuster night! 'Cept me and my boys would simply recycle our movies amongst each other, cuz we all had collections. So we ain't even pay for the movie! Come on over, sit down and check out this movie while I get you an Oceanspray and some Sals' wings & wedges on my student ID! Lmao!

Hey - I was in college. A bruh wasn't ballin' like that..."girl, I got this MENACE flick..."


But I agree on the list. After college, if I went on a date, it was a REAL one. And I've always been impressed when women took me out on a date - which oddly enough has happened to me moreso than most of my friends.

Brooke said...

College doesn't count. I should have specified that this list was for men over the age of 25 who have dated for a while. If you're in high school or college, then these scenarios don't really apply to you :) No one has money in college for "real dates", let alone high school. But once you've graduated, started working, and live alone - then you need to step it up a bit. You don't have to be "ballin", but c'mon son.

Stef said...

Okay, so here's a question. Why is it men WILL take you OUT on a first date, maybe even a second OUT somewhere, but then it fizzles from ther? I think men and women get to comfortable too quick after a while. I mean, I know it costs money to go out, but damn, it's not about money so much as it is about getting out of the house. Or is it because he feels he's put in the work and now he doesn't have to anymore? Is he just trying to smash at that point?

Rameer "The Circumstance" said...

Oh - then I guess it's non-applicable to me...cuz I've always liked going out on a real date. Just couldn't work it like that in college - had to save my money for important stuff like the little bit of bills I had, clothes and alcohol...lolz!

Yolanda said...

A date is when a man asks you out, takes a shower, puts on a little smell good, picks you up (comes to the front door, no horn-blowing) and takes you out. Aside from getting to know one another and spending quality time together, the whole point of the date is to see how the other person acts in public...and to make sure they don't eat salads with their hands.

Sitting at home together is not a date.

Since times are tight, I don't expect a date every week. But, c'mon, take a girl out every once in awhile.

Anonymous said...

Stef I agree it shouldn't be the norm, but it can be discounted if you do. And I agree if a guy never takes you out in public then should need to question why.

Grownblknfocused said...

Good topic! In a nutshell, it all depends what is a date to the actual person. Going out isn't the only form of "dating". Blockbuster nights, sports bars maybe more of "hanging out". Nothing wrong with either, all depends on the expecation of the function on how it is labeled.

Jay said...


If a guy stops "dating" you, then maybe he feels he's comfortable enough with you to the point where he doesn't need to try to impress you anymore. But he SHOULD still be having fun with you. Now, you can have fun in the house, or outside of the house, but you should pay attention to what he says and what he does to make that determination. Not all dudes stop "dating" you, but they probably stop taking you to expensive places after a while because his wallet can't handle it all the time. Hang in there to see if it's a temporary thing or if he's truly done "dating" or trying to impress you.

Personally, when I'm really feeling someone, I don't stop doing what it took to get them in the first place. And I'd expect the same from her. It's like that chick who pulls out all her tricks in the bedroom to whip your ass, but then after you wife her she all of a sudden "doesn't do THAT" anymore. I'd expect a woman to hold me accountable just as I would her, so the dates may vary, but I'd still take her on dates if I feel she's worth it. If a guy stops, maybe he doesn't feel you're worth it still (not YOU Stef, but in general) or maybe he IS trying to smash. You just have to keep your eyes open and see what he's about while he's NOT taking you out.

Brooke said...

I agree Yolanda, a date is something planned OUTSIDE of the house - at least at first. Like I said, nothing is wrong with any of the scenarios I posted - and I asked the question to leave it up to interpretation. But I think we all know that there are plenty of men and women out there calling what they're doing "dating" when it really isn't. It's all up to us to decide personally what it is we're doing, but I also wanted to shed light on what is considered dating or not.

I'm not saying a dude has to borrow from his 401k to take you out. It's not about money at all. A date can be anything, anywhere. But if the intent is to get some without spending money, or to see someone during booty call hours while you take out someone you're REALLY interested in, then let's just be real with each other and call it what it is.

ArrElle said...

1. No, that's just hanging out. As already stated it depends on the nature of the relationship. If I'm getting to know you, then NO BLOCKBUSTER NIGHT DOESN'T QUALIFY AS A DATE

Some dude from the past had the nerve to invite me over for some dayum smoothies n watch TV. This was his way of trying to get the azz. I was like WTH?? and turned down the invitation. Some dudes just need to get a clue. More later

Rameer "The Circumstance" said...

So when The Situation, Vinny and DJ Pauly invite chicks over for drinks and a romp in the hot tub...that's NOT a date??

Looks awfully romantical to me...


Brooke said...

uh...hardly :-)

But you'd be surprised how many women would consider that a date!

annamaria said...

Stef & Brooke don't bother with anonymous. He can't date cuz mama got that ass on lock!I was going to call u out & tell the blog where u took ur last date but I'll be nice!!!! Hahaha u gave urself up when u called me Annie Mae beotch!!!! Lol
P.S. I've taken ur boy on dates & paid so hahahahaha

Brooke said...

Annamaria, I know who "anonymous" is and I simply ignore him :)

annamaria said...

***throwing the taser on the floor***
But I don't wanna ignore him!!!! Please let me cut him!!!! Please! Lol

Brooke said...

You can cut him all you want to :)

LOL @ArrElle and smoothies :-) LOL!

Ms. Penn said...

Hi everyone!

Like Brooke said, nothing is wrong with spending time with each other in the ways mentioned in her blog. But those are not really dates in my opinion. Spending time with someone isn't a date, and too many women think that because they share time and space with a man, it's a date. While a date can be defined many ways by different people, I think the intent is where some women get confused.

I know when I'm hanging out with someone vs. going a date. And Brooke is right, a date doesn't have to cost alot of money, or any money at all. You can go for a walk on in Central Park as a date, so long as you're taking time to get to know each other. I think what Brooke is speaking to are the ones who know a man doesn't want to invest any real time or energy into planning anything, but want some booty, so they invite you over under the guise of a "getting to know you date." We all know the difference, and what she's simply saying is stop calling it what you know it isn't. There's nothing wrong with hanging out or anything else two consenting adults want to do, but be honest about it. I think too many women fool themselves into thinking they're being courted when all the dude really wants is sex.

Stef said...

Well said Ms. Penn!

The Cable Guy said...

I have no problem taking a woman out on a date, but truth is, sometimes we want to know that you're worth it first. If you balk at a movie, or me cooking you dinner, then chances are you wouldn't appreciate any date I take you on. Sometimes we just want to see how you all react.

But I will admit, if I feel a woman is worth it, I'll try to go all out to impress her and let her know she's worth it. But I just can't do that on EVERY single date. And if a woman seems like she feels she's ENTITLED to certain things, then that's a turnouff.

And if you want to ensure that your first date will be OUT of the house, then ask a MAN out and plan it yourself! We like to be taken out too you know!

Brooke said...

@Cable Guy,

Taking a woman to the movies is considered a date by most. So can cooking her dinner. As we've all said, the intent is to get to know someone. What you're saying is you want to get to know her first to see if she's worth a date. To some that may seem kinda backwards, but if that means talking to her on the phone, emailing, etc. is how you get to know her, by the time you're done doing all that, then you should know if she's worth planning a date for.

As for testing her to see how she reacts - what are we, in 6th grade? The game playing should stop once you're an adult. The date isn't just for her, it should be for you too - not simply to impress someone. It's about getting to know EACH other, not testing her to see if she's "grateful" to spend time with you. If what you say is true about getting to know someone, you should have a general idea of the person you're taking out since that's the reason you've deemed her worthy to take out in the first place.

And again, I'm not talking about EVERY single date here. We all know that there will be blockbuster nights between people who have gotten to know each other already. This blog wasn't about date #30, it was about the first few dates when getting to know someone. A date doesn't have to be an over the top, break the bank type of date to let her (or him) know you care. Some of my favorite dates haven't costed a dime between us.

Jaz said...

I've taken dudes out on dates because some men don't have the first clue how to plan a date. Their intentions might be there, but they're just not creative. Dinner and movies is played sometimes. Let's do something different! And if I have to plan it AND pay for it in order for us to go OUT and do something, then so be it.

But like Jay said, I guess you can blame some of this on the women. We allow a dude to NOT have to take us anywhere. We're content sitting in the house so long as we're spending time with him. The worst is a dude who CONSTANTLY asks can he come over or can you come over to his place...after 9 or 10pm. It's like "really?" The answer is NO! FAIL!

Brooke said...


That's borderline booty call :) And you're right, if that's all he's offering, and you want something else, then keep it movin.

Don't get me wrong, there are some women who are fine with this. They might just want sex too. And we're all grown, so if that's the case, so be it. Most women know what it is, and are not delusional at all. This blog wasn't meant for f*ck buddies, this was meant for men and women who make excuses for what it really is instead of dealing in reality.

Nothing is wrong with watching movies, eating at home, watching the game, etc. But if you want to be taken out and taken seriously, there's something to what's being said here. I notice when guys only call to invite you over, and I notice what time it is when they ask, and how much notice they give you. I could be sitting at home doing absolutely nothing at 10p, and still turn down an "invite over" simply because it's wack. But mostly likely I actually have a life and have plans already, so the last minute invitation usually doesn't work for me anyway. If you want to take me out, plan to take me out at least a day in advance. Don't call me after your other dates have turned you down or stood you up.

And can you believe I've been called "high maintenance" because I told a dude that he called too late and I needed notice if he wanted to hang out?? Like I have nothing better to do but sit around and wait to see if a guy is going to call me to do something.

Child please.

Stef said...


SO TRUE!!! I thought it was just me!! I think alot of men think we're sitting at home being "good girls" while they're out doing whatever. I'm sure there are women who do it too, but usually when we like a guy, we'll give him that chance to ask us out first - and when he does, no matter what time it is, we'll see him simply cuz we're feeling him. We need to stop that!

Brooke said...

All that means Stef is that if we're feeling him, maybe WE should do the asking. I know we want to be pink and fuzzy and girlie and courted...but if you suspect a guy might like you, there's nothing wrong with taking a chance and asking HIM. Even if he wasn't feeling you initially, he might be attracted to your confidence. And even if he turns you down, at least now you know and you won't have to waste your time wondering - and then it's on to the next one!

Jay said...

I can't imagine any dude turning any of you ladies down. Ask - you might be surprised at the outcome.

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