Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Happy Tuesday!

So Cable Guy asked me to write about my take on "homewreckers" after our discussion about jilted wives, mistresses...and anyone in between. Some say another person can't wreck a home that is already wrecked, while others say men and women who are married are off limits - period . But then there are some that believe there is a grey area, and that if a man or woman is separated, then they are free to date whomever they choose and move on with their lives.

While I don't consider myself a "gossipy" type of person, I DO take delight in sites like Witches Brew to read about the dirt and shady goings on in La La Land from time to time. And while reading about Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats or Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may be the distraction I need from work and meetings and emails, I really don't care what they're doing in their personal lives. Only they know what they did, didn't do, the timeline of events and who wrecked what...or not.

But what I find interesting in most cases is that you never hear of a "man" homewrecker. Is there a male equivalent? Or can men be considered "homewreckers" too?

The reason I ask is because most women will say, "Well...Alicia should have more respect for the wife and not mess with her husband." Okay, maybe this is true. But why is it no one ever says that about men?

While I think there are men who have some level of respect for marriage, I never hear such things being said about "male solidarity," and that a man should respect other men in terms of smackin' bellies with some dude's wife. Even while watching the Saints game this past Sunday with my man friend, he said - half jokingly, half not - "Yes, Reggie Bush...I'd spank your girl's ass!" While Reggie Bush isn't married to Kim Kardashian, I think it would be safe to say that if he WAS, most men would still willingly hit it if they had the chance...f*ck a damn Reggie Bush!

But women are supposed to be "bonded" with other women when it comes to love, sex and relationships. It's not that we should only respect another woman's marriage, but the feminists will say we should respect her as well...simply because she's a woman. I don't think men have this same ideal placed on them. The only rule they follow mainly has to do with not trying to knock the bottoms of out of a relative's girl or one of their boy's exes. Other than that, another guy's woman is fair game if she's with it. There seems to be no gender equivalent to a "homewrecker" for men. Or is there one and I'm just oblivious?

The "every woman for herself" view is very unpopular when it comes to dating or messing around with men who are married but separated. It can be linked to a woman's self esteem. But if the guy shows you that he's separated, you have his home number, can be seen out in public with him and he doesn't appear to be "sneaking" you around - are you still wrong? Are you still disrespecting another woman, even if that woman has moved on herself?

Infidelity in marriage or a committed relationship can tremendously hurtful - especially if you've been blindsided by it. If you pick up the paper (or come across a billboard in Times Square) and discover that the happy home you thought you had is now in disarray, or that the man who promised to love you forever is in love with someone else - then that can be devastating.

But chances are that isn't the case. Most people, if they're honest with themselves, know when their relationship isn't working. They know when their marriage is in trouble, and they know when it's beyond repair. They know when it's time to throw in the towel and move on - so any knowledge of their spouse dating someone else may not come as much of a surprise.

It's when other people start to know about it that we may start to feel some kinda way. It's okay if your ex, who may not be your ex legally yet, dates someone else...unless that someone else is a mega superstar like Alicia Keys...or your hot best friend ;-) Or maybe you don't care at all, and it's OTHER people who are making it out to be a big deal, and that is what sets you off. Ego can be a bitch sometimes! It sucks when that happens right? :-)

Anyway, while I wouldn't advise people to go around dating other people's spouses all willy nilly, I'd simply say that sometimes we don't know the whole story. Sometimes we don't need to know and married folks are strictly off limits. Or sometimes it's a case by case basis and you take a risk and hope for the best. You can respect the bonds of marriage if you choose - or some Gloria Steinam respect for other women if you want - or both - or neither. That's up to you. But just be sure that no matter what you choose, make sure you can sleep at night or look yourself in the mirror...and that you never lose respect for yourself.



annamaria said...

First Bitches

annamaria said...

Listen most of us aint Marc Anthony & JLO that can run to another country get a quickie divorce & then get married to each other the next day... So its not as black and white as show me the papers or I'm out... People get legally seperated & then get divorces sometimes a year or 2 later. Now I don't condone a man/woman making you wait 20 years til they get a divorce. I think once the person is over there old relationship then why shouldn't they be able to move on?
And yes men can me "homewreckers" too... They just aren't talked about as much!

Rameer The Circumstance said...

The reason men aren't considered homewreckers is because people are conditioned to excuse/ignore certain behavior in men and villify the same behavior in women. Even the most supposedly enlightened woman does this - it's how we are raised and conditioned in this country.

I do it - but less so than most. Ironically, so do MOST women who talk about these types of things. But few realize how biased their entire thought process is from the jump.

And it's funny you use the line "Don't Leave Your Girl 'Round Me..." as the blog title. Me and my brother used to have that as A MOTTO! If you weren't family or one of our peoples, yup - your girl could get GOT. And we'd snatch her, too! In college, I used to TELL fools "Let me catch your girl slippin' - I'mma cut your throat, dog!" Lmao...I was that bold. Tell a fool to HIS FACE, and then still attempt to do it.

No one looked at my behavior as excessively bad or as some monster. Maybe cuz I was so upfront to dudes about, and cuz I was a silly dude. But I knew a girl who would try the same thing - if she saw a dude she liked and he had a girl, she would try to steal him from that girl. SHE was just a hoe to most. Double standard.

Men never get full blame, or at least tend to get let off the hook a whole hell of a lot faster than women when it comes to infidelity. Think people would still be cheering for Hillary Clinton if she cheated on Bill? Not likely. How about how many women hate Angelina Jolie, but never say SQUAT about Brad Pitt leaving his wife for her?

Exactly. Sad reality...but reality nonetheless.

As for separations...I think I covered my opinion yesterday...

phillygrl said...

just piggybacking on what annamaria said.....some states LEGALLY require one to wait & get separated before they grant a divorce...My good highshool friend was already in another relatinoship, as was her husband, but they lived in Maryland( Baltimore)...a state which back then(1992 or so) had a law stipulating that one had to be legally separated for 2 years before they could get a divorce.....

Anonymous said...

Wow great topic today. Yes there is a double standard. Men never get blamed for ruining relationships. I must admit when I was in my 20's my attitude was hey if your man left you for me that sounds like a personal problem. He must of not really cared if he dumped/ cheated on you . i really didn't care. Let me also say I never looked to steal someones man. I had a lover/ good friend who was in a relationship with someone else and so was I. When he decided he wanted to leave that relationship and be with me I was floored. I ended the fling immediately. I felt like he was trying to better deal her. I told him if he wants out of his relationship he should just leave. I felt like if he'll do this to her and ruin his family and will do it to me. At that time in my life I didn't love him or my boyfriend at the time. That is the time in my life where I stared to grow a Conscious.Life is about choices and consequences. If you make that choice to steal someone's partner, I say, let the cards fall where they may. You always get what you deserve. @ phillygirl, they have that rule in FLA as well my stepfather also was required to take 4 counseling sessions as well before he was granted a divorce.

Jay said...

This is interesting, because you're right, I never once heard of a man as being a "homewrecker." And to me, like Yolanda said yesterday, there are no "homewreckers" - just people who choose to go outside of the union willingly, and those who allow them to.

I've never once had a woman "trick" me into leaving my girl for her - or do something to my otherwise happy relationship to make me want to stray. I did it, and I did it on my own. Sometimes I was honest about being in a relationship, but most times not. I knew that most likely a woman worth her salt wouldn't date a man who she knew had a girlfriend, so I had to lie. While I wasn't married, I'm sure if I was, I would have painted a picture of an unhappy marriage - which probably would have been true. Most people I know don't wanna cheat just to do it, it's usually because something is wrong. While some could argue that men cheat for physical reasons, most married men I know who cheat do so because there's something lacking in the marriage, not because they're being greedy sexually.

That's not to say I think you have the right to cheat though. If something is wrong, either address it and fix it, or move on and get a divorce. There should be no "limbo" or feeling the situation out to see what happens. That would be selfish, and you'd probably be keeping 2 women in flux waiting on you to man up and make a decision. I'm a firm believer in handling your business and getting your shit straight and not leading anyone on for your own selfish reasons. That's unfair - and bitchass.

Stef said...

I'm glad you wrote about this Brooke, cuz I'm with Stephanie, I've been in this boat before.

I've dated men who were married but separated, and didn't think I was disrespecting anyone because they didn't live together. She was even dating herself, so I thought it was all good. Til she saw us out one day. I think just SEEING her ex with someone else made her flip - especially since I was looking cute that day - set her off. I think men and women are ok with their exes dating other people until they actually SEE it.

Either way, after that she decided she wanted him back. She caused all kinds of hell and made it hard for us to be together so I broke it off. Since then I've never dated a separated man again. You have to be fully divorced in order for me to go there, so that there's no drama. I don't want to be made to feel guilty when I had no bad intentions. I never set out to steal any woman's man - and if you're fully divorced, then no woman can accuse me of that ever again.

Jaz said...

So here's my question - do Swizz Beats and Mashonda live in a state where you have to be separated for a year or 2 in order to get a divorce first? While it makes sense to me that you should be able to date if you live in a state that makes you wait (hey... that rhymed :-), if you DON'T live in a state that does that, then why is it taking him so long? For most couples, it's a money factor that is holding them up, but in Swizzy's case, he HAS money...so why is he taking so long to drag it out? I don't care how long he's been separated, that should be Alicia's question if you ask me.

Either way, I can't date men who are separated cuz there's always the chance that they'll change their mind. Then I'll be left out in the cold and have wasted my time. At least if you get a divorce, I'll know you both really wanted to sever ties and went all the way through with it.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

See, Stef brings up a good point. This HAPPENS. It's not new. People have been doing this since before your grandparents were rolling on this Earth. Is it for everyone? No. However, there are a number of factors as to why someone may or may not be divorced yet.

I would never call Stef a homewrecker cuz she dated a married man who was separated. If they carried on AN AFFAIR, that's different. But separation is SEPARATION. You can't even use dating during separation as admissible evidence in court most times.

As for Alicia Keys and Swizzy - I don't know why Swizz isn't divorced. NONE of us do, so I'm not going to speculate negative or positive - I'm just gonna comment on THE FACTS that are known. And honestly, Stef's situation seems like what happened with Swizzy - Mashonda was cool with not being with him and knowing he was dating, but got PISSED when she found out he was dating/messing with Jenny the groupie - but one of the hottest singers in the country, musically AND looks-wise.

THEN it wasn't cool. Like I wrote before - those two were separated for a LONG TIME. It ain't like they got separated once he met Alicia.

And STOP hating on women in these situations and absolving the men of guilt. Really...it truly speaks to an effed up mindset that there are two people in a situation, and, in my observation, the WOMEN will take another woman to task quicker than men do! We're SUPPOSED to have the built-in bias...but women tend to put us to shame.

No one ever called Warren Beatty, George Clooney or Michael Douglas a hoe for all the women they've been with famously. But Madonna, Mariah Carey, Kate Hudson, J.Lo - even Halle Berry - have all wore the "passed around" or "slut" label before. And Brad Pitt, Swizz Beatz, Donald Trump, A-Rod, Marc Anthony, P.Diddy, etc. get passes for anything they do in or out of marriage, while the women they're associated with get lambasted by other women. Please.

Every situation is different, and most times, NONE OF US knows the whole truth. Even when some of us know more than others (inevitably), we still can never know EVERYTHING, cuz we don't live in that house. True story.

annamaria said...

@Stef: just cause someone signs a piece of paper doesn't mean they don't want the person back OR that they won't give the next chick hell. Especially if there are kids u still gonna have to deal with her. Doesn't matter when he signed those papers.

Stef said...


It's not about whether or not someone ever wanting you back, it's about what you accuse me of. If you're divorced, you're no longer his wife, so you can't say I'm messing with "your" man. That was my point. If he decides to go back, then to hell with him, that's his decision. But the WOMAN or any other woman for that matter, can't say that I'm stealing or messing with a another woman's man if the papers are signed - because at THAT point he's single and up for grabs.

Jay said...


Love is always a risk, and no matter if someone is single or not, there are no guarantees. But at least if you deal with men who are truly single, then you lower your chances of being hurt and of hurting someone else.

I know there's a double standard like Rameer alluded to, but I truly believe in karma and payback being a bitch - which is why I don't mess around with chicks who have a man or a husband. I can't do it simply because I tend not to deal with women I don't respect - so if you can be grimey to your man, then you'd be grimey to me. I can say that I've never dealt with another man's wife, even though I tend to agree that most men who do aren't looked at the same way women are who mess around with married me. We don't have that "male solidarity" think you speak of Brooke, you're right about that. However, I do respect a person's MARRIAGE, not necessarily the DUDE...so I won't go there. No matter what though, the CHEATER is to blame, not the person he or she cheated WITH.

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