Brookey's Cafe Blog

TGIF mi gente!

Instead of my Friday Sexy Survey, I thought I'd try something a little different today. Yolanda suggested we make Sexy Friday's about connecting sexy singles - and y'all know I'm all about the hook-up :-) So today, I'm introducing a sexy single who will also be my guest blogger. I met him at the gym in boxing class, and we've been buddies ever since. He's a twenty-something year old actor, model, and all around hottie - and he has some things to get off his chiseled chest when it comes to dating and what we SAY we want in relationships. Show him some love!



Why Make Things Harder Than They Need to Be?
by Christopher Pollard

First off, I would like to thank Brooke for giving me the opportunity to guest blog today. This is something that has been on my mind for a while in regards to dating and relationships. Nowadays, I have NO clue why some men/women make things harder than they need to be. I have to touch on the men first.

The majority of men (not all, but some) want to treat women however we see fit. We’ll show the nice, sweet and sensitive side of us when we want THAT girl. We’ll romance her, tell her sweet things and make her feel as if she’s the best thing that ever happened. Then when we know we have them (as far as marriage or hence forth), we turn the tables on them by cheating, hitting them, etc. - which I don’t understand. If I meet that “one” for me - she has a great personality, down to earth, beautiful, intelligent, faithful and I know the relationship is worth having - why would I want to fuck that up? The crazy thing is, these types “win” and get away with it, and the women stay with them. I don’t get it - and it messes it up for others who are “men” and do right by their lady. I feel that the ones who do this bullshit came out of someone’s ass - especially for all the shit they’ll put woman through.

I mean...I came from a woman, and I have eight sisters. I base all my actions on how I treat women around them. I'll be damned if I let someone hurt my sisters - cause I’ll hurt them. But yet, men who DO have siblings and a mother who still choose to act this way are proving themselves to be hypocrites when they turn around and get mad at the next man who mistreats one of their own when they mistreat women as well. A REAL MAN protects his woman from getting hurt - they don’t cause it any way, shape or form.

Now ladies, you are just as bad sometimes also. I understand a lot of you have been hurt by some men, but some of ya’ll take it waaaayyy too far and don’t know how to spot someone good. Some complain and complain about how there aren’t any good men out there, but yet when you finally DO meet one, you treat it as if it’s a language you can’t understand. Why do you ladies feel that you don’t deserve a good man just because all you’re used to is crap?? If you’re a good woman, I feel you deserve a good man. You pray to God hoping that He will bless you with someone worthwhile, and when you get it, you take it for granted….WHY???? It makes noooo sense whatsoever.

To be honest with you, if that’s the case stop wasting your time by praying for one. Why do it in the first place if you can’t receive that blessing? What some of you should do is stop thinking that every guy is the same just because he has a penis. Just because the last person mistreated you doesn't mean that the next one will as well. Remember, not every guy shares the same mindset or last name.

Lastly, if you're in a relationship with someone who's messed up, don't venture out looking for someone who will give you what the guy you're with isn't giving you while you're still with him. Frankly, in my view, that's kind of selfish - and not fair to the other person who IS giving you what you know you deserve and who you know you SHOULD be with. Or (and this applies to both sexes as well) you’ll deal with the next man, but yet you’re not over your ex when he treated you like crap.

Honestly I just feel that some people continue spinning the wheels on this cycle when it should be broken. Some need to stop using other men and women who are sincere as “punching bags” because of what the last few have done to you. His/her issues are not the next ones. If you feel you need to take out your frustrations on something, join a gym and hit a bag…..literally. Take ALL the frustration you want out on that bag! You might feel better and get all that energy out. Stop running games on others - because if they wanted to play games with you, they'd invite you over to play Monopoly, XBox or PS3 (if they have it that is lol). Also, stop using the saying “No one's perfect” just to excuse the bullshit that you're doing to others. If you’re not perfect, make yourself better for you and your possible future relationship.

These are just some of my thoughts on relationships, and this is coming from a guy who’s in his 20's - an age bracket that most would view a male to be “immature”. Hopefully I gave you guys some food for thought. Feel free to comment. Take care all…..

-Christopher

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

- Can I just say...I *HEART* President Barack Obama! He gave a good, centric, sometimes (a lot of times) sarcastic speech - but he was gettin' in dat ass a lil bit right? Is it me, or was he channeling Diddy last night - "We won't quit, I won't quit...and we won't stop, cuz we can't stop...take dat, take dat!" LOL!!

- "Let's try common sense." - Barack Obama.

- That should be our motto EVERY day.

- It was snowing big ole FAT FLAKES this morning in Queens. By the time I got off the train in Manhattan...nada. This weather is bananas.

- I have killer cramps! They only go away when I work out...so I guess I'd better stay my ass on the bike or the elliptical machine.

- Speaking of which, our spinning instructor not only sings now, but DANCES during class - instead of cycling with us. Monica and I just looked at each other smiling like "really??"

- There's a guy who works up in the tape library who is just so cute to me! Oddly enough, I can't figure out what ethnicity he is. Is he Black? White? Bi-racial? I can't tell! But it matters not - he's a young, lil hottie! I just wanna lick his lil 20-something year old face!

- Don't forget to pick up Michael Jackson's This Is It this week. I can't wait to get my hands on it, my mommy picked it up for me :-)

- I don't know what I did to my hand...well, I know what I did...but I don't know what damage I've done. It's been hurting for over two weeks now, and I can barely lift or hold anything with my left hand. There's still some swelling around my middle knuckle...and it hurts like hell! I need to have it looked at. I'm falling apart!

- Are you looking for skin care and wellness products that offer superior results without any unwanted chemical or animal by-products? that not only have an environmental conscience, but also a human one? Then check out my sister's site at nicolemalek.myarbonne.com. Arbonne International is a Swiss skin care and wellness line that offers amazing products without any animal products and/or by-products. Arbonne's products are inspired by nature and enhanced by science - and it's also my sister's business. Nicole offers free facial spa parties and makeovers, so let me know if you're interested. I'm going to be having a facial spa party soon!

- I need a vacation - somewhere warm and tropical. I wish I was in San Juan with Annamaria.

- Would you all come to a karaoke party if I had one for my birthday? I know Princess would ;-)

- I miss my family in Philly - especially my sister and nephews!

- There are a lot of movies I still need to see, but I finally saw Avatar! Loved it!

- I need chocolate.

- Some of y'all are pop-locking aren't you? I know you are :-)

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

Okay...let me tell y'all about the foolishness I heard on the train today.

Skinny Bit...I mean...Girl: "I feel so bad for my sister. She dates loser after loser. She just can't find a man."

Guy: "Well, why do YOU think your sister is having such a hard time finding a man?"

Skinny Girl: "I don't know. I think she needs to lose weight. No guy is gonna wife her when she needs to lose 50 pounds. You know how y'all are. I told her she needs to lose weight and then the quality of men she attracts will be better."

Guy: "I dunno 'bout dat. Big girls have a better chance of becoming wifey than a skinny chick if you ask me."

Skinny Girl: "Why you say that? Women attract men with their looks, so if she's fat, ain't nobody checking for her unless they just wanna hit it. She's just fat."

Guy: "Maybe...but big girls can cook, they clean, and their lovin's better cuz they all soft. They don't get much attention, so they do what they gotta do to take care of their man - and men like being taken care of. So while we might not admit it, we got love for the big girls too!"

And then they get off.

Where do I even start with this?

First of all, I can't believe this woman would tell her sister that if she lost 50 pounds, she would meet better quality men. Who says that? And how does that make sense?

Since I don't know her sister, or her for that matter, I can't pretend I know the whole story. Maybe her sister isn't really "fat" by any means...since the term "fat" is relative. Maybe her sister dates losers because she's insecure. Maybe she's insecure because she has a sister who tells her she's fat!

But the guy's comments took me back a bit too. They cook? They clean? Their lovin' is better?

Well, that part might be true...wink, wink ;-)

But what is he trying to say? That big girls are domestic and we have to learn how to take care of a man in order to keep him because we gets no play?

Child please.

Just like there are men who won't date a big girl because she's big, there are women who won't date a man because he's short...or broke...;-)

But who cares about those shallow people? I doubt they make up the majority of men and women out there who are truly trying to "wife" or "boo" somebody. People who seek genuine, loving relationships look for more in a potential mate than what size jeans she wears or how tall he is flat footed.

While I agree that we usually attract people by our outer appearances first, that isn't what usually KEEPS our interest. Men love a pretty girl, but they "wife" a good woman. They want a woman who takes care of them emotionally, spiritually and sexually...and of course it helps if you can whip up a cheese sammich and keep the house dust free.

But that's not a big or skinny girl thing. That's a good woman thing. We all have our preferences with looks, body type, height, weight, etc. But ole girl on the train is delusional if she thinks skinny girls get their pick of all the "good" men, while us thick chicks sit back and take the leftovers. Great guys come in all sizes and shapes too - just like assholes do...and you can't tell which is which with just one look.

Some men will smash a chick who is...how do I say this..."unfortunate" looking in the face, simply because she has a slammin' body. She might be dumb as a bag of rocks, but she has a small waist and a big booty - so he'll still hit it. So telling her sister to lose weight doesn't mean she'll automatically meet a great guy - or that she in turn will become smarter, prettier, or a better woman. She might be healthier, but that doesn't equate to "wifey" material. It's a bit more complicated than that.

If her sister needs to get healthy, she should do it because she wants to - not because she wants to find a man. Most big girls I know don't have a problem getting attention from men, and they appreciate men who can see past the superficial in order to get to know the real them underneath those Spanx. If you don't like the way you look - then change it. But do it for the right reasons, not because you think the only good guys walking the earth will only look your way if you're a size 6.

Confidence is sexy - and that's what most men gravitate to. If you carry yourself like a lady, stand with your head held high and walk assuredly swaying your curvy, sexy hips - men will notice. Good men.

Identifying an asshole and staying away from him is something all women should know how to do - no matter what size they are - and maybe this woman hasn't figured out that maybe her sister just ignores the red flags that all 'bad" men undoubtedly wave. Her problems with men may not have anything to do with her size, but more with her feelings of self worth. Or maybe she's just been unlucky in love. Who knows!

But to say that all her problems will be solved by hitting the gym 7 days a week and eating celery is NOT the answer. She should talk to her about any negative patterns she finds herself repeating, how she feels about herself, and what she can do differently than what hasn't worked in the past when it comes to failed relationships. She should encourage her sister, not shoot her down. This woman needs her sister, not a critic.

We all go through rough patches when it comes to dating. The trick is determining what you really want in a relationship, and then going after it. But you have to feel that you're worthy of the love and relationship you deserve. That begins with loving yourself first, and then finding someone who loves you for you - just the way you are.

-b

Happy Tuesday!

So Cable Guy asked me to write about my take on "homewreckers" after our discussion about jilted wives, mistresses...and anyone in between. Some say another person can't wreck a home that is already wrecked, while others say men and women who are married are off limits - period . But then there are some that believe there is a grey area, and that if a man or woman is separated, then they are free to date whomever they choose and move on with their lives.

While I don't consider myself a "gossipy" type of person, I DO take delight in sites like Witches Brew to read about the dirt and shady goings on in La La Land from time to time. And while reading about Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats or Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may be the distraction I need from work and meetings and emails, I really don't care what they're doing in their personal lives. Only they know what they did, didn't do, the timeline of events and who wrecked what...or not.

But what I find interesting in most cases is that you never hear of a "man" homewrecker. Is there a male equivalent? Or can men be considered "homewreckers" too?

The reason I ask is because most women will say, "Well...Alicia should have more respect for the wife and not mess with her husband." Okay, maybe this is true. But why is it no one ever says that about men?

While I think there are men who have some level of respect for marriage, I never hear such things being said about "male solidarity," and that a man should respect other men in terms of smackin' bellies with some dude's wife. Even while watching the Saints game this past Sunday with my man friend, he said - half jokingly, half not - "Yes, Reggie Bush...I'd spank your girl's ass!" While Reggie Bush isn't married to Kim Kardashian, I think it would be safe to say that if he WAS, most men would still willingly hit it if they had the chance...f*ck a damn Reggie Bush!

But women are supposed to be "bonded" with other women when it comes to love, sex and relationships. It's not that we should only respect another woman's marriage, but the feminists will say we should respect her as well...simply because she's a woman. I don't think men have this same ideal placed on them. The only rule they follow mainly has to do with not trying to knock the bottoms of out of a relative's girl or one of their boy's exes. Other than that, another guy's woman is fair game if she's with it. There seems to be no gender equivalent to a "homewrecker" for men. Or is there one and I'm just oblivious?

The "every woman for herself" view is very unpopular when it comes to dating or messing around with men who are married but separated. It can be linked to a woman's self esteem. But if the guy shows you that he's separated, you have his home number, can be seen out in public with him and he doesn't appear to be "sneaking" you around - are you still wrong? Are you still disrespecting another woman, even if that woman has moved on herself?

Infidelity in marriage or a committed relationship can tremendously hurtful - especially if you've been blindsided by it. If you pick up the paper (or come across a billboard in Times Square) and discover that the happy home you thought you had is now in disarray, or that the man who promised to love you forever is in love with someone else - then that can be devastating.

But chances are that isn't the case. Most people, if they're honest with themselves, know when their relationship isn't working. They know when their marriage is in trouble, and they know when it's beyond repair. They know when it's time to throw in the towel and move on - so any knowledge of their spouse dating someone else may not come as much of a surprise.

It's when other people start to know about it that we may start to feel some kinda way. It's okay if your ex, who may not be your ex legally yet, dates someone else...unless that someone else is a mega superstar like Alicia Keys...or your hot best friend ;-) Or maybe you don't care at all, and it's OTHER people who are making it out to be a big deal, and that is what sets you off. Ego can be a bitch sometimes! It sucks when that happens right? :-)

Anyway, while I wouldn't advise people to go around dating other people's spouses all willy nilly, I'd simply say that sometimes we don't know the whole story. Sometimes we don't need to know and married folks are strictly off limits. Or sometimes it's a case by case basis and you take a risk and hope for the best. You can respect the bonds of marriage if you choose - or some Gloria Steinam respect for other women if you want - or both - or neither. That's up to you. But just be sure that no matter what you choose, make sure you can sleep at night or look yourself in the mirror...and that you never lose respect for yourself.

-b

Happy Monday!

So...last Friday morning as I crossed E. 45th Street, I looked up and noticed that the billboard that I had seen for months had changed - from what used to be an ad for Stella Artois, to one of a black couple seemingly in love. The caption said something to the effect of "you are my soulmate forever," and there was a link. I dismissed it as an ad for wedding planning perhaps, or someone showing off their love by posting a billboard of their engagement. Who knows. Who cares. Whatever.

Until the noon news came on. The anchor said, "Have you seen these billboards around town?" I immediately turned up the volume on the tv so I could hear what this billboard was selling. My eyes got bigger with every word. "Oh NO SHE DIDN'T!!!"




I was floored when I heard this. Not because a guy was cheating on his wife - that never surprises me anymore, or anyone else for that matter really.

But I was stunned by the amount of money this woman must've shelled out in order to put him on blast! I mean, this chick has PRIME REAL ESTATE in midtown! She had one up in Times Square for goodness sake! And more in San Fran and Atlanta?? Wow. She wasn't playin!

Now, the story itself is typical. Man had mistress on the side. Wife most likely knows about it. I love you, I'm leaving her, blah blah blah.

But what the hell happened??

Clearly this woman was content being the side chick for 8 and a half years. I'm sure, based on the notes/letters, etc., he was telling her stuff like he was leaving his wife, it's complicated, hang in there with me - all the nonsense married men (and women) spew to keep their side pieces in check. So why now? And why like THIS?

Some may see these billboards and think, "That's what he gets!" But all I could think of is how crazy she seems to have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on billboards in Midtown Manhattan, as well as other cities, just to get back at someone who she thought wronged her. I mean, did she really think she was gonna be wifey? What could have possibly happened to move her to publicly humiliate him? And what did she PAY for all that??? (some have said it could be as much as $250k)

Who the hell knows...and it's not like he's getting any sympathy from me. When you play with fire, you're likely to get burned.

Anyway, if he IS reconciling with his wife, I wonder if these billboards are a setback. I mean come on, you think it's all good - and then BAM! Scandal! She has to be thinking, "I'm a fool if I take his ass back now!" But then again, if she knew about this affair - which he admits was a serious relationship - then maybe she doesn't care. Maybe it just makes the other woman look like a sore loser.

Either way, you gotta admit, this woman has some balls! Some might say she's nuts - and I might agree. I damn sure wouldn't spend MY hard earned money on a loser - but then again, she clearly has the means to do whatever she wants. I might have taken out a full ad in the Metro (free paper) and that's about it...that's all I could afford! She should have donated that money to Haiti and written it off in her taxes, and written him out of her life. Just move on.

Or maybe she's not crazy at all - but simply a woman who was in love and is now heartbroken. People in love do crazy things in times of desperation (and rage) - things they themselves probably thought they were never capable of doing. It's sad when it gets to that point.

If Tiger Woods wasn't example enough, let me say this to all the men (and women) out there who are or plan on cheating. No voicemails. No hand-written notes. No emails, texts or IMs. No credit cards. And please - No photos. Clearly, these are all the things you need to make a nice, neat Shutterfly or Snapfish keepsake album :-)

One may be asking himself, "Well, if I can't do any of those things, then what CAN I do...because that doesn't leave much else."

To that I answer...."Precisely."

-b

TGIF!!!

Friday Sexy Survey!!

1. What is considered "good" sex to you?

2. What is the maximum number of sexual partners you feel comfortable with your mate having had before you?

3. How much weight could your partner gain before it bothered you to have sex with him/her?

4. If you don't have an orgasm during sex, whose fault is it? If your partner doesn't have an orgasm during sex, whose fault is it?

5. What would it take for you to give up sex for a year?

6. Sex or sleep?

7. Do you plan for sex, or is it spontaneous most times?

8. Would you kiss someone with visibly chapped lips? And if not, would you let them use your lip balm?

9. Have you ever snuck someone in, snuck someone out, or hidden them in the closet? :-)

10. Big or Small? (you fill in the blank)

Go!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

- Please continue to keep Haiti in your prayers. It's no where near over, and they have a ways to go. Have you given all that you can? If not, donate today.

- Oprah's show on Haiti yesterday was great. Wyclef, Rihanna and my (and Yolanda's) boo Maxwell were her guests. Wyclef showed his own footage of what he witnessed in Haiti - it was heartbreaking. He called it an apocalypse. But through it all, they still have hope. We all do.




- If you download either of the songs performed by Rihanna (her cover of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song") or Maxwell's "Fistful of Tears", 100% of the proceeds will go to Hope For Haiti Now.

- Speaking of Wyclef and the controversy surrounding his Yele Organization, I find it interesting that there was PROOF that the Red Cross didn't get donations to the victims of the tsunami in Asia or the victims of Hurricane Katrina and that they're STILL waiting on aid to get to them (a lot of money unaccounted for) YET we are still asking people to donate through the Red Cross for Haiti. Meanwhile, they're now questioning Wyclef about the handling of HIS organization - the organization he started with his own money. We should look into corruption everywhere, but let's think about that. Wyclef was there in Haiti trying to help his countrymen YEARS before the earthquake hit. Yele isn't a relief organization - it's been there doing its part trying to build Haiti up. I think some are just amazed that he was able to raise as much as he did in such a small amount of time...through text donations no less - and want to throw salt. Just my opinion.

- I hate writing my self evaluation for work...especially since they already know what % raise they’re going to give us. Can’t I just write “ditto what I wrote last year” and just leave it at that?

-I need to stop complaining and just write the dang thing. I’m grateful to have a job to write a self evaluation for. And to even get a raise. Thank you God.

- What is your greatest fear?

- Yesterday, Monica and I did a spin class and we had a "singing instructor." He was in his own world singing to our workout tunes. Good music though! That class was a killer! And he didn't even spin WITH us. Just told us what to do. Nice.

- I know this may be nitpicky, but I can’t STAND when people type “gud” for “good”, “wut” for “what”, “da” for “the”, and “n” for “and” in shorthand on IM or email. While I get that they may be texting and trying to save on characters, it looks ridiculous to me - and in most cases I find actually typing out the whole word requires only one extra character and won’t take you over the limit anyway. As I read these words, I hear them in my head and it just makes me think the person is illiterate. I know...a bit extra - but it drives me nuts!

- Last night on Wendy Williams, she said she was wearing a size 4 skirt. Her breasts and big hair make her look bigger than a size 4, but she does have narrow hips. She looked like she was about to topple over. Love her though :-)

- Halle Berry was STUNNING at the Golden Globes this past Sunday!

- I like Sandra Bullock, but there is no way she should have won over Gabby Sidibe. Who she appears to be in real life vs. Precious is like night and day. Congrats to Sandra Bullock though - she's cool :-)

- I think I'm still the only person who hasn't seen Avatar. Maybe this weekend.

- When people show you who they are, believe them.

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

So...a new report came out from the Pew Research Center that says that marriage is increasingly more beneficial for men than it is for women. The report, titled "The Rise of Wives," says, "According to the new research, more and more men are married to women with higher levels of education and earning power than they have."

I have always felt that men benefited more from marriage than women and single men, simply because they’re taken care of. Women tend to be nurturers by nature, and they sometimes take care of everyone else before themselves. Not ALL women, but that is the belief. I never associated it with money, or who earned more.

But most men feel validated by what they do and how much they earn. Not all, but A LOT. According to the study, because most men won’t settle down until they feel financially secure enough to be a provider or the breadwinner, this shift is changing when or if a man marries. And possibly even WHO.

Most women I know don’t care if they make more money than her mate, and according to the report, that’s true – 87% of women true. They want a man who can express himself, who will do the dishes every once in a while, and can show his romantic side. Or so the report says anyway. Hell, if he cooks dinner every night, I’ll gladly bring home the bacon.

(oh wait, I’m watching what I eat…so no bacon…but you know what I mean)

I digress…

Anyway, some say that this “trend” is creating a role reversal situation, and that women are now becoming the new heads of the household. So my question to you all is this:

Women – Do you care if your man makes less money than you do? Does it depend on what his job is, the disparity, his ambition? If you made $200k, and your man made $60k, do you feel he still has a say in whether or not you can purchase that new $600 Coach bag? Would you still consider your man the head of the household in a traditional sense?

Men – Would it bother you if your woman made considerably more money than you do? Would the fact that your girlfriend makes a lot more money than you do determine whether or not you marry her? (and no Keefe, I wasn’t talking about you marrying Oprah). Would you still consider yourself the head of the household, even if you weren’t the breadwinner in the relationship?

All - What is your definition of the “head of the household?” Is it tied to money, earning potential, the “spiritual” head – or something else entirely? Or are there NO heads of the household – are you both equal, no matter who earns more?

This should be good :-)

Let’s go!

-b

Happy Tuesday!

I have a guest blogger today! She is a co-worker of mine who has an awesome blog called To Whom It May Concern - a blog for the "everyday aspirational woman." She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, stylish, successful and just straight FLY. She is the fabulous Rashana Hooks! Show her some love!


What about US (Unofficial Singles)? ...by Rashana A. Hooks

Before I begin my news update on the under-representation of the unofficially single population I want to thank Ms. Brooke for allowing me to share my thoughts and views on her site. You rock BD!

Now on to the matter at hand - As you know the media has had a field day capitalizing off of the “singleness” of successful black women (i.e. Dateline/Nightline). They've led many to believe that if black women have an education, their own money car and home then they are destined to be alone. They even make tons of money in advertising revenue selling stories on how to find a man, how to get that first date, etc. Most notably Steve Harvey continues to chart the NY Times best seller list advising women on how to act like lady so she can get a man. All of these ploys cater to the officially single woman, but what about all of the unofficial single women? Women who are successful and have great an equally successful man - but just not married yet. What about US?

Being a part of this population I felt the need to raise this question and ask why the media chooses to ignore us. Do they believe we don't exist? Is a successful black woman with a man foreign to them? Or has society once again dismissed all of our worthy accomplishments because none of them measure up to the accomplishment of getting married? We (the officially single) would like to see stories about committed couples who are building for their futures together and books being written about the value of commitment way before you say I do. Although I know finding that perfect person can be challenging at times (we the unofficial have been there) I do believe there should be balance in the media along with the awareness that it is possible. Both the world and the media need to recognize that there is such a thing called black love and black women can have that and success too. And that's the true story about US....

-Rashana A. Hooks
http://www.rashanahooks.blogpsot.com/

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!



-b

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

TGIF!!!


1. Have you ever fulfilled someone's fantasy? Has someone fulfilled yours? Do you come up with new ones once one has been fulfilled?

2. Do you know where the G-Spot is? (this is a question for both men AND women)

3. Handcuffs? Blindfolds? Both?

4. Do you have any special talents in the bedroom? (backflips, double jointed, pole dancing, tongue Olympics?)

5. Do you get tested BEFORE or AFTER having sex with a new partner - whether you used condoms or not? Or do you just wait for your regularly scheduled annual physical to find out anything you need to find out?

Bonus: How would you respond to a random but extreme sexual request or outburst that you weren’t comfortable with or expecting? And if bold enough to tell, what’s the strangest request or attempt that’s been made and how did you handle it? It’s okay to say it happened to “your friend”. We won’t tell ;-)

Go!

-b

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Random Thoughts Thursday - good morning everyone.

The images coming in from the destruction in Haiti are heartbreaking. This is a country that was already impoverished, so the earthquake has simply devastated it - a nation collapsed. Just like with Katrina, I hope this catastrophe has moved you to act. Please give what you can.

- This article was eye-opening.

- Pat Robertson. A "pact with the devil"?



Pure Fuckery.

But gotta love Keith Olbermann!



Nothing more to add to that.

- Check out Ant's post today - Rameer is the guest blogger!

- Some of us take our blessings for granted, and can't see past our own lives. This isn't a Haitian catastrophe, it's a HUMAN one. Any of our lives can be changed in the blink of an eye, and starving children anywhere affect us ALL. It's our responsibility to help all of those suffering around the world. Think global community. There is no end to what a living world will demand of you.

- "All that you touch, You change. All that you Change, changes YOU."

- You'd be surprised what can happen when we call on the depths of our spiritual resources. Prayer works. But it doesn't simply work without action. Respond to the call to love that a crisis represents, and let God move you.

- Kiss and hug those you love today. And tell them that you love them.

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day mi gente!

Before we get into today's discussion, I'd like to send my thoughts and prayers to those affected by the earthquake in Haiti. If you'd like to make a charitable donation, you can visit Wyclef's site at http://www.yele.org/. Or you can donate to Unicef as well.

Now...

A guy friend and I were having this age old conversation the other day – nice guys finish last. When I asked him what he meant by that, this was his response.

Male Friend: We get the sex last, even if we’re good guys.

Me: Last behind…who exactly?

MF: I’ve been dating this girl for a month and a half now. I know she likes me and is attracted to me, but she won’t have sex with me. She told me that the reason she WON’T have sex with me is because I’m a good guy. How does that make any sense?

Me: I think what she means is, you’re a keeper…and she wants you to take her seriously.

MF: So my redeeming qualities are what’s keeping her from giving me some?

Me: Exactly.

MF: But if I was Pookie from the club, she might have given me some by now if she thought I would blow her back out, right?

Me: Maybe. I don’t know her or how she thinks…but perhaps.

MF: So I need to take off my suit and put on a wife beater in order to be intimate with her?

Me: No, not saying that.

MF: See…y’all women kill me. This is why nice guys finish last.

I understand his frustrations, but honestly…if he feels she’s worth waiting for – he’ll wait. If all he’s concerned with is “getting some” – then maybe he’s no different than Pookie.

But are women guilty of playing this game as well?

I know some women who will have sex with the guy with NO redeeming qualities whatsoever – yet hold out on the goodies for that “keeper” who they want to take them seriously. You know what I mean – he’s good looking, educated, intelligent, has a great job, never been married, no kids, has all his teeth, etc. He’s “husband” material – so we don’t want to do anything that’ll land us in the ‘friends with benefits” or “jumpoff” category. So we play nice girl, even though our hormones are raging and we want to jump his bones. He kisses us on our “spot,” yet we wipe our wetness so that we don’t send the wrong signals. We want to be “wifey” one day…so we hold true to the 90 Day Rule…which can be complete nonsense.

Meanwhile, he can’t figure it out. There’s obviously chemistry. He KNOWS we’d gladly lick his face if we could, yet we stop him at the door after our 6th date and give him a kiss on the cheek…if that. He feels he’s put in his time and shown us that he’s not just in it for sex…but he wants some dammit! What to do??

I don’t think there are any set rules as to when two adults should decide to have sex. And while waiting doesn’t guarantee that a man will eventually take you seriously and make you his boo, it can’t hurt to get to know him better either. Just make sure it’s not some game you’re playing while getting busy with Pookie on the side. If you’re into a guy, be into HIM…and him only. I know women have needs, but if the “good guy” can’t get any…then don’t give up your womanly space to the broke down dude who only serves a sexual purpose. I know Pookie has his place, but I think men can sniff other men on or around a woman – and it could backfire on you.

And men - I know you don’t want to hear that the very thing that makes you a great catch is the same reason you’re going home alone...again. But if you’re genuinely interested in that woman, the wait will be well worth it. Trust me.

Later, my friend goes on to say:

MF: Well, I can see how a woman can think that way. I’d have less respect for her if she gave it up to me on the first date. I have to admit, if I don't have to work for it, I lose interest. I know that’s not fair, but it’s true.

Me: Exactly…and women know this from past mistakes. Wait awhile…give her a little more time and just enjoy each other’s company. And please…PLEASE...put your wife beater away.

-b

Good morning everyone!

So I'm sure by now most of you have heard about Harry Reid's comments about Barack Obama being "light-skinned-ded" while not speaking with a "negro dialect." I'm sure you can imagine the fall-out from such remarks...and of course the ladies of The View had to break it down as well:



Whoopi didn't seem to have a problem with it, and I won't assume that ALL Black people were offended by the comments. Like Whoopi said, "negro" isn't a bad word.

But what exactly is "negro dialect"? Is that the same as Ebonics? Old School Ebonics? What is that?

Back to that in a minute...

How many of you would consider President Obama "light skinned"? While Whoopi said he wasn't really "light," I think that's relative to who you're talking about. Some would say he is, some would say he isn't. But that really isn't the issue...or the question. My question to you all is - do you consider "light skinned" Black people to be less "Black"? Less "scary"? More "accepted"?

Everyone's experience with race, color (meaning "light," "dark" or somewhere in the middle) and "dialect" is different. Speaking for myself, I always instinctively knew what it meant when a White person said that I was "articulate." However, is that something I should take offense to? After all, I AM articulate - meaning I can communicate effectively. Not all people are articulate - White OR Black...but at the same time, it was always the "tone" with which it was said that let me know that they didn't expect me to be.

But as a person who was never really considered "light" OR "dark," I never really got a handle on if White people felt I was more or less "threatening" or "acceptable." I've been told that I wasn't like "other" Black people - but I simply chalked that up to proper English and a "non-ethnic" name...and their ignorance of course. But I'm curious to hear from my other "colored" folk about their experience as a "light" or "dark" person.

Whether you took offense to Harry Reid's comments or not, it's still baffling that something such as a person's skin tone and how they speak determines whether or not he or she is actually qualified to do their job or to seek the Presidency. Now, I get that you don't want a bumbling idiot in the White House (even though our previous President might fit that bill), but do we equate that with "negro dialect"? I'm still trying to figure out what that is.

Sound off on this - tell me what your experience has been as far as how you were/are perceived based on how you speak or what your skin tone is. This should be interesting.

Go!

-b

Happy Monday everyone!

I'm sorry I didn't send out my usual email posting a link to the day's blog on Friday. I had to attend an offsite meeting all day and was no where near a computer - and my blackberry was acting up. Friday's blog was one of my usual surveys, and if you missed it, I'd love for you all to go back and check it out and respond. I love reading your answers to those, so if you have time...

My internet is also acting funky at home, so I wasn't able to write this blog last night - so sorry today's is late. But I wanted to write about dating...or what we THINK is dating.

A friend and I were discussing dating: who usually does the asking, fear of rejection, all that stuff. It occurred to me that I never really asked a man on a date FIRST, even though I've asked after the fact. I was then told that asking a man on a date AFTER I already knew that he liked me doesn't really count, because there's no fear of rejection involved. Good point...I can see that.

So then I took a poll of my friends that have asked guys on dates first, and some have told me that they have. Something like...

Friend: Yeah, I've asked a guy out before. I invited him over to watch the fight.

Me: So that was a date?

Friend: Of course it was, don't you think so?

Me: Not really. Did he ever take you out on a date after that?

Friend: Yes, he cooked me dinner.

Me: (sigh) Okay, but did he take you OUT anywhere after that?

Friend: Well...uh...lemme think.

Me: Never mind.

It occurred to me that a lot of my friends and I might have it twisted when we think we're "dating" or "seeing" someone. Are these "dates," a "hang-out" or simply an attempt to get the ass? You decide.

1. A Blockbuster Night. If a dude says he has dvd's and brings alcohol, is that really a "date"? I mean, I know we're in a recession and all, so getting dressed up and going to a restaurant may not always be possible - but is bringing over your Netflix pic of the month a date?

2. Watching the Game/Fight Party. Okay, you call up your dude on Sunday afternoon to ask what he's doing. If he's like most red-blooded American men, and it's football season, chances are he's watching the game...ANY game...SOME where. He actually picks up the phone, tells you he's watching the game (or about to go watch it somewhere) and you say, "I wanted to watch that game too." He says, "Okay, well you can come through if you want." You put on your cutest "game" outfit, some flirty lip gloss and head over to his spot or the sports bar where he is. Is that a date? You'd be surprised how many women I know think so. Coming over to watch the fight, especially if it's a party where there are a bunch of folks, may not qualify either.

3. Running Errands with him. If he asks you if you wanna tag along while he pays bills, goes to the bank, to drop off something at his mama's house or to the mall with him to buy sneakers - no, that's not a date. Just because y'all pick up Mickey D's along the way and he pays for it doesn't count.

4. Inviting you to hang over his boy's crib. No...not even close.

5. Home Cooked Meals. Now, this could be tricky. It depends on what the meal is. If he heats up some leftovers or orders Chinese, that's not a date. But if he actually had to go to the supermarket, prepare a marinade the night before, spend a few hours in the kitchen, lit some candles, had some nice music playing in the background and had flowers for you - then yes, you can consider that a date. He gets points if it actually tastes like the best meal you've ever had...and DOUBLE points if he doesn't try to get some and takes you home afterwards.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that all of the above scenarios aren't cool or that a man is trying to get in the panties if he does any of those things. Like I said, we're in a recession, so fancy dates that require you to go OUT might not always be possible. But just because you have no money doesn't mean you can't be creative and look for free, fun things to do OUTSIDE of the house.

And if you've already established a relationship or are comfortable with each other already (ie: he's your husband, boyfriend, friend with benefits) - then you can get away with doing any of the above.

But if you're in the courting, "getting-to-know-you" stage - then girlfriends, pay attention. Just because you're "seeing" him doesn't mean you're "dating" him - so just call it what it is, and have fun doing whatever it is you're doing. And fellas, if you took offense to any of these "date" ideas, then you need to get over it and step your pimp game up if this is all you can come up with. Jus sayin.

-b

TGIF!!

1. Have you ever woken up the next morning next to someone you don't know...or couldn't remember their name? (basically a one night stand)

2. Ladies, do you only use your toys alone - or do you share with your man? Men - would you "collaborate" with your lady's toy...or are you intimidated/turned off by them?

3. What is your favorite type of undergarment for the opposite sex?

4. Do you ever have sex when you're sick - and if so, does it make you feel better? :)

5. Wild and rough, or soft and sensual?

6. Do you have any tattoos or piercings in a sexy place?

7. Innie or outie belly button?

8. Do you wake up and wash your face and brush your teeth before having sex in the morning, or is it hot, funky morning breath sex?

9. Does PDA bother you?

10. When was the last time you had a hickey (passion mark)?

Go!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

- This week is going so slow...the first week back usually feels this way for me after a vacation.

- Uh...Mariah?



Da hell was she talking about? She seemed a bit off last night on the People's Choice Awards too...whoa...

- Is anyone offended by the term "Negro" being added to the checkbox on the US Census form?

- Speaking of possibly offensive...how could KFC think this was good marketing?



Really???!!!

- They're on the hunt for Tiger Woods...trying to track his whereabouts. Why? When you find him, then what? Leave him be...

- Gilbert Arenas is an idiot.

- Jayson Williams....(sigh).....

- I am no longer "toyless" :-) LOL!

- My knee is feeling slightly better, but still hurts when I bend it. Is every orthopedic doctor in Manhattan on vacation this week? Geesh!

Lastly, I've gotten a few emails/notes from folks who say they don't feel comfortable commenting on the blog, even if they have something they'd like to add to a topic of interest, because they feel the blog takes a "mean turn." While I would never censor anyone, and I encourage everyone to be themselves and express their views freely on the blog, we should all be able to disagree or have dissenting opinions without being contentious or combative. I understand people may be passionate about a certain subject, and I have no problem with highly opinionated people (since I can be highly opinionated myself), but we should be able to deliver our message without throwing jabs at the same time. We all make valid points from time to time, but it's possible for points to get lost in the "meanness" of it all. I welcome all opinions, because if I didn't, I would never open myself up to receive them by writing a blog in the first place. I want the blog to fun, sometimes informative, sexy and positive. But most of all I want it to be respectful.

Let's Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

So, over my weeklong vacation, I watched a lot of tv and read a lot of magazines. Is it me, or was last week “Single Black Females Will Never Get Married” week? I mean, there was an ABC News Nightline special report on it, an Essence.com article, Dr. Boyce Watkins blogged about it – everywhere I turned, there was SOMETHING written about the plight of the single Black women in America who will never, ever get married. If you missed some of it, take a look:



We’ve discussed this before – and the numbers continue to be daunting. We all know we outnumber black men, so even if every available Black man married a Black woman, there would still be over a million Black women left without a man. And yes, we can broaden our horizons and be open to dating outside of our race – but the reality is we aren’t as coveted by other races as Black men are. A white, or Asian or Indian man might DATE a Black woman – but he probably won’t bring her home to mama and make her his wife.

And let’s not focus on incarcerated men, or uneducated men, or under or unemployed men. Those are systemic societal issues all their own that make it impossible for a Black man to stand a chance in America, let alone in a relationship – a blog for another day.

But my question isn’t why aren’t Black women getting married – but why aren’t Black men proposing? What does it take to make your boo “wifey?”

All these “if you like it then you should’a put a ring on it” anthems are cute – but for real, what’s going on? I think I might have the answer…

A male friend of mine said the other night that Black women need to compromise in order to get a man – compromise their standards, lower their expectations and be more “realistic.” Okay, fine…let’s entertain that.

But what are Black MEN compromising? After all, I’m guessing that statistically, they have a better pool of women to choose from - so they don’t have to “date down” so to speak. Now don’t get me wrong, just because someone is successful or makes a certain amount of money or has a specific education doesn’t mean that they’re a good person...or a bad person. But finding a quality woman, I’ve been told, seems to be easier for men than the other way around. So if that’s true, what are men compromising?

His response?

“The compromise is that he’s marrying you.”

Ahhh…ok, I get it now.

I think therein lies part of the problem. Some…maybe most…men view marriage as a compromise, not a commitment. They see it as something they’re surrendering to instead of a union that they’re entering into willingly. If that is the case, then we’re truly in trouble.

Now, I know most men in this forum will say they’d like to get married someday. Some would even argue that most Black men would love to settle down. But how attractive can settling down be if you can have 4 or 5 quality women in your rotation?

I’ve had a man tell me TO MY FACE that he’d like to keep me in his back pocket til he was ready to settle down, but expected me to be a good girl and wait for him…and not see anyone else.

Yeah…I laughed at that too…

But men seem to enjoy the fact that the odds are in their favor – and they fully indulge in the buffet of women who are “compromising” to be with them. So is this why men aren’t proposing? Marriage just isn’t attractive to them?

Sure, Black women can be seen to have an attitude, are too picky, too hard on the brothas, too “independent,” too strong or pushy, you name it. But it can’t all be our fault either. And if there are more good Black men out there than we realize, why aren’t they proposing? Is it because Black women are settling for being baby mamas? The side chick hoping he comes around? The woman who’s been with him for 10 years hoping he finally wants to make her “official?” Or is it simply out of our hands and we have to play the hand we’re dealt?

I’m curious to see what men have to say about why they won’t put a ring on it…and if there’s anything they feel women are doing to sabotage their own happily ever after.

Break it down.

Go!

-b

Happy TMI Tuesday!

It was suggested to me that I should run today's TMI Tuesday like Random Thoughts Thursday - listing only random thoughts that are too much information (I know you all are smart and figured that out, but just in case...) So I figured I'd try it...here goes!

- I almost busted my ass getting on the train yesterday on my way to the movies with Monica. The heel of my boot got stuck in the space between the platform and the train and I twisted my bad knee trying not to fall. Now my knee is killing me! I think I re-injured it...might need another x-ray. Please pray that it's just a sprain. I think I would have been better off if I had just allowed myself to fall :-(

- I think I got a little over-zealous with the Nair the other day. I still can't really get "in there" good without getting a chemical burn - Miss Kitty is very sensitive to that stuff. But I'll be DAMNED if I get another Brazilian wax. NOTHING or NO ONE is worth that kind of pain.

- Taking a razor to Miss Kitty isn't an option either...jus sayin.

- Do any of you answer or talk on the phone while you're going to the bathroom? And if so, are you discreet about it? I do it all the time, but I try to go "quietly." Then I sit there forever because the person I just happen to be talking to decides to have the raps and talks my ear off - but I can't get up or flush because I don't want them to know I was talking to them while using the bathroom. By the time I'm done, my foot done fell asleep or my butt hurts from sitting there for an hour. Maybe that's just me :)

- I could probably suck the nails from a board, and I'll get sloppy with it, but I probably still won't drink behind you (especially out of a can). I know, I know - we swapped some fluids...but backwash makes me gag.

- Still no toy. That should've been my first purchase for 2010.

Go!

-b

Happy New Year!

Did you miss me? I'm kidding....but no...seriously....did you miss me? ;-)

Well I missed you guys!

Am I the only one who isn't thrilled about being back at work after a week long vacation? I could have used one more day, but I'm sure we all could have...or two, or three. I had a great time with my family, and I miss the boys already. Time flies when you're busy and having fun. But 2010 is here, so let's go!

Speaking of 2010, it's a time people start making resolutions and promises to themselves. They've reflected on the past year and are determined to make changes for the better. And all of that is a good thing.

But the only thing I'm promising myself is to try to DO better and BE better with every day...all year round, year to year. No "resolutions" per se...but just living my life the best I can since God has seen fit to wake me up, breathe life into my spirit and see me through to another year.

The only thing I seek...or I should say continue to seek...is peace - to walk in harmony with life. I want to move through my world knowing that I have unlimited inner resources, and that whatever I want or need is mine for the asking. I want God to order my steps, so much so that my every gesture will be as natural as if the universe has choreographed it Herself. I want surety of movement, poise, a presence, confidence and the influence of Divine favor to grant me grace with each passing day.

Go with the flow of life, and greet each day knowing that it is unfolding in its perfect pattern. Don't let past experiences jade or blind us to the uniqueness of new ones. Don't be afraid of yourself and your greatness, because that fear will impede your forward progress. Self consciousness, which is only fear for oneself, is what keeps us off-beat and wary of surrendering to the rhythm of life.

You all are in God's care, and the universe is always there to support you. Whatever you resolve to do or be this year and every year, just know that your power lies within and that Divine presence is the source of your strength. When you understand that, the blessings - some unexpected but timely - will inevitably fall into your lap. Be blessed!

-b