Hillary for President!
8 years ago
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Happy Fantabulous Tuesday!
So yesterday I wrote about the advantages of being single. Well, of course there's a flipside to every coin, and the grass always appears to be greener on the other side of the fence. Here to give us the benefits of being married - fresh from his honeymoon (and HIS green side of the fence) is Dwayne "DMurray" Murray. Let's see what he has to say, shall we?
I Love Her Dirty Drawz...by Dwayne Murray
I just got back from my honeymoon and this is my second day at work. Yesterday I read Brooke's blog and I chose not to respond because I wanted to see what everyone else had to say about the benefits of being single vs. being married. Don’t get me wrong, being single does have its advantages. However, being married does too. Having been married, gone through a bitter divorce (don’t ask what did I do wrong because SHE cheated), been single again (or a "Washington" as one person told Brooke) - I am now married again to a wonderful woman...and SU Alum! So I wanted to take a swag at the advantages of being married.
1. I have someone to plan my future with. It is a beautiful thing to put a plan together and share your vision with the one you love. I don’t know about anybody else’s wife, but my girl likes sports as much as I do. Sure, she likes the Cowboys and I like the Redskins, but so what?! From September to January we may be fighting anyway!
2. We have more spending power. I love my parents and all my cousins and such, but they have theirs and we have ours. Two incomes are better than one. So if she buys that purse, I won't trip out, so long as I can buy my tailor-made suits and we can still pay the bills without worry. When we can’t pay the bills, then we have a problem.
3. I go back to planning on this one. It's cool to plan a future with someone. You just can’t assume communication is key. WE can do whatever we want. Two people have now become one. It is all about the person. “Baby lets grab a bite to eat after work. Don’t go home...come straight to the restaurant.” Be spontaneous. It can happen in a marriage.
4. Sure I can invite whomever I like, but who would I want to be with and share something with more than my best friend? My wife. She understands me and I love her dirty drawz! She knows I like the Lakers, but she hates Kobe and still goes to the games. Why? Because it puts a smile on my face. She scored tickets to Cats - that play is horrible to me. Would she be dragging me along if I went with her? No...because it brings her joy and making her happy is my life’s work. If you go all out for me, I sure as hell will do the same. When you don’t go all out for me, I will still go all out for you because I love your dirty drawz! Wanna go with girls instead…really? Ok fine, have a good time. Here is some more cash. Oh, and make sure you wear your freakum dress! But you are going to tell me all about it when you get home and wish I was there...so I'm confused…
5. Solitude is awesome; we share it all the time. You can do you and I can do me. That is what makes respecting each other's space so awesome. It's nice to have it - even nicer when someone is considerate enough to give it to you.
6. It's cool to have someone who is up for whatever. Ryde or die…she shocks me on a regular basis. She wanted to ride ATVs, go fast roping and mountain biking on our cruise. I thought she was an uppity chick from Maryland! “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?” She told me she liked this stuff but thought I wouldn’t. So we are still learning about each other’s likes and dislikes. That is what makes life great - the journey.
7. Sex. Well it should get better with time. As I originally stated, I was married before. So I have had two different experiences. Honestly, with the ex, it was a chore from the beginning. It had to be the perfect storm to get some. I'm surprised we have a kid; I must have just been pretty efficient! I do have a theory. You have to make time for what got you there in the first place. Do whatever you have to - take a class, read a book...whatever you gotta do. For those who are married and think sex is a bore, communicate and learn something new about your partner’s body. After that, learn something else. The body is ever changing and will continue to until we die, and so will what works. That’s the only bedroom advice you get from the retired pimp! Sex should be full of excitement until you croak!
8. You have not decreased your family size, you have increased it. Set boundaries. Family and friends will always want your time. But you set out on a different plan and new path to establish your own traditions, norms and practices. My wife is my family...and my friend.
9. We all long to be single and dating somewhere in our head. We also wish we were back in college when all we had to do is go to class. Now I look at the silly things my wife says or does and we share our laughter with or about other couples. Every couple does. The comic relief from other friends and family are a hoot too. The laughter, love of life and thrill of being alive should not fade. It should intensify.
10. I do snore. I have nasty toes. But I also have a king size bed. She can move as far away from me a possible. I try not to steal the covers, but when I do, I get the title of "Cover Commando!" I call her "The Little Mermaid" because in the shower she has to be completely under the water. But I would not trade it for the world. I am happy just the same. I wake up each morning and think about how lucky I am to be in love and have someone in love with me. If it ever fades, all I need to do is think back to these days and remember the laughter and love that filled my heart from the first kiss - or the night she looked in my eyes and told me she loved me for the first time. That is etched in my memory and is the fabric of my soul. Sure, I would like to be a newlywed everyday for the rest of my life - and I will treat each day as such...newly-wed. If you want to be single for life, that's cool. But to share your life with someone for the rest of your life is an honor and an awesome responsibility that I enjoy every day.
Did I mention I love her dirty drawz?
Live - Love - Laugh!
-Dmurray
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28 comments:
first suckas!
DMurray, your affinity for the situation is exactly what defines the experience. As does Brooke's affinity for hers. I understand both slots completely...Since you've been down the road before, that certainly gives you a sense of balance on how your current situation can be "fire"...(pronounced 'fiyah')
However, in Brookey's case, she seas the glass as half full based on the fact that she HAS NOT experienced a few of the things that make you glad to have who you have.
DMoe aka Jules
-I would have been first...but threw up in my mouth a little behind this icky love story. LMAO
-Honeslty folks.. I can't wait for the day when I get married. I'd be lying if iI said I was happy to be single. No doubt..it was fun... but I am looking forward to the day I can have a family. That's what wakes me up in the morning to do and keeps me trying to be a better person.
OK tasing the first two!!! LMAO....
LOVE LOVE LOVE this love story... COngrats on your new marriage to you & your wife & may you both have nothing but happiness forever & ever thru the good & the difficult times! :)
I understand what you mean about the snoring. My booboo snores & I've discovered that if I push him on his side he stops.. Tell her to try it! LOL
Like you said there are benefits to both being single & married. I guess it's just a matter of what you want out of your life wherever you are in your life.
If you are single be the best you can be. If you are in a relationship be the best partner you can be. I love your pros to being married. They are very important. Especially so that no one feels resentful or like they are being taken advantage of. Which is really easy these days.
LOL!!! Pretty Ricky, I was thinking the same thing - Gag me with a spoon already!
Just jokes :-)
Dwayne, first let me congratulate you on your marriage. I think it's great you took another go at it and never gave up on love, cuz most men I know who go thru what you went thru with your divorce are allergic to wives :)
Now, you and I had a chat about this offline, and I think you feel you are the rule rather than the exception when it come to men who want what you have. Maybe you and Pretty Ricky belong to some special club...and maybe Dre and E. Payne. But men like you who share that mindset REALLY ARE hard to come by. Maybe you don't think so because you only fraternize with like-minded men...but you don't appear to be the majority. And if you are, you are hidden in plain sight. Maybe it's a geographical thing, but I don't see many of you here in NYC. And just like most men out there don't think there are alot of good women out there, that seems to be all I know. So who knows what it is, I don't have that answer.
But my post was not to say that being single is better...it's all about enjoying where you are at the moment and learning to be a better person for yourself so that if you DO meet someone who takes you out of your "singlehood" - you're already a whole, complete person first.
DMurray! Congrats on your marriage! Give my soror a big hug and I'm looking forward to visiting the both of you soon ;-)
I need to hear this side of the fence and what a beautiful one to be on. When two are in love and molded to be divinely together it can't get no better!
Too many people want to get married but do it just cause and end up miserable. Wait till God (or whomever you call God) unite you with your future wife/husband. I know I am and thanks to this and other encouraging stories I know he's out there made for me and I for him :)
Im sorry, I would totally have to agree. Marriage is such a wonderful beautiful Institution.. This coming from a woman that married a man after only knowing him a brief 7 months, and 2 kids and almost 15 years later, still in the struggle, and when I say struggle I mean separation and all... BUT EVEN THEN, "I Love His Dirty Drawz!"
I think if you find that person, god bless you, and if you chose to remain single, god bless you too, cause I know from some of my friends that that aint easy either...
DMurray, Congratulations on your marriage...
I'm with Dwayne's opinion completely. and I think the problem is completely an NYC thing - although women all across the nation can offer similar experiences. But I personally think it's WORSE in NYC for females, and typically suspect a woman is single if she's above 22 and from NYC - or, if she's with someone, she's not thinking they're going to get married.
In my situation - I KNOW things are dire where I live for males and females. But I also know EXACTLY where I could probably find a woman worthy of being my wife in less than a year - Washington, DC. True story - I know about 10 dudes who couldn't find a good woman where I live, and within a year of living down there, had found the one they would eventually marry and are still with.
Hell there's other areas of the country as well. But I'm where I'm at, and make do with what I got.
I have no advice for the women in Meryl's situation in NYC, other than trying new circles, being aggressive, etc. - things they probably already have tried or know. But I will say this - while I don't think there's anything wrong with being single, I would never say I choose that over what my man Dwayne has. Or that I'm proud/happy to be single. I'm okay and at ease with it - it's not a problem, and it doesn't bother me.
But give me that forever ish ANYTIME.
You'd think it wouldn't be as bad as it is here with the MILLIONS of people in NYC, but it's all about the mentality. Men here just don't want to settle down until they're 40 and realize they're getting old. They know they have options - GREAT OPTIONS, and they exercise them. They LOVE to date you, but that's about it. They feel they can always do better...and when they go look and don't find better, they come back years later still expecting you to be waiting for them. They want you to chase them. They act like women. For all the posturing they do as being "from the NYC son!" - it's all bitchassness.
You go to other cities and the men actually act like gentleman. They don't want to be the old man in the club. And even if women outnumber them 8-1, they only need ONE. Not ALL of them like how they want here. Men in NY work on their careers and date. That's it. They might knock someone up in the process, but marriage just isn't on their minds.
And I find the women here have or are adapting. They find that being single is just what you have to be to live here...and they're changing their mindsets as well because of it...and single is better than being with an asshole ANY day.
Re and Brooke, just be ready when "he" comes into your life. Furthermore thank the knuckleheads who screwed up and help you learn the hard lessons and the nice guys that just didnt workout too. They all played a role in making you the beautiful majestic women you are today. Without them and others in your life you would not be who you are at this precise moment that is a fact; and I am sure you are happy with who you are.
Single or married live life to the fullest and don't compromise yourself. You dont have to except second from anyone; especially you!
Re...... look forward to seeing you again, get her safely!
DAM (yeah those are my real initials)
Dear Brooke-lyn,
I'm trying to stop laughing at "I love her dirty drawz" long enough to write my comment! Luv it! Reminds me of growing up in BK - the adults used to say that a lot. Congrats on your residence in newly-wed bliss Dwayne. May your stay be permanent and your partnership be everlasting brother. I love love. And hopefully God will bless myself and us all by granting us the union with the person he created us for. I do enjoy being single. I've always told my girl friends (because I think it's especially important for us), get to know yourself first. You can't have anything to offer your better half if you don't first know you: your likes, dislikes, what you're passionate about, your career path, do you want a family, etc. I don't mind going to the movies solo. At least I don't have to listen to someone chew popcorn (a snack too loud for a theater honestly - who's idea was that?) or have someone ask me 1000 questions during the flick. I've gotten so comfortable or maybe it's that I'm used to being solo, I've dined in restaurants, shopped, taken trips all by myself. I've had 2 relationships in my life (where I've said I love you and we were together for years) and I've learned a great deal during those periods of time. And the love I shared with those men makes crave marriage, stability, family, settled down-dom (a Princess-ism). But being as though neither of those relationships ended with me saying "I do" in something borrowed or something blue, I have to chalk it up to I haven't learned all about myself yet and I'm not ready for "him" in God's eyes. I know He wrote this book of life long before I came into being. I haven't arrived at that chapter just yet. So in the meantime, I'll continue to study this journey called life and devote as much of my time to my family as I can, be a good and attentive auntie, try and get my career path a little more straight than it's current crooked state, try and get at least one of my blog drafts published (I know I promised myself by the end of June - UGH!) and prepare myself for that day when I'm called to that side of the fence. Oh God, is he ready for Princess? Hope he's done his share of preparing for loving me!
And that's all I have to say about that. Spread love people!
BTW - Loved the romantic waterfall pic .
Love, Princess
I agree with DAM. Your experiences will make you appreciate the MAN that comes into your life.
Princess!! hi!!!
Have to keep her away from my dad, she's trying to snag Papa Smurf! Can't have as stepmom 10 years younger than me! ;)
Does everyone on this blog think there's someone out there for EVERYone...or just the people who want it? Sometimes I wonder if I want something I'm not meant to have. Not everyone is built for marriage, or are they and just don't know it? What you think?
by the way, loved that D called us "majestic." Thank you Dwayne!
Brooke,
There is absolutely someone for everyone. Look at the world! Women are hardwired to love men and treat them like kings; likewise men are hardwired to love and cherish a woman. The problem is unlocking the key to this concept. Example in the world of so many people there is a man for every woman and a woman for every man. There is also a person that is the absolute worst for you as well. Now here is the bombshell; who said he had to be black if you are a sista? Who said she had to be latina; papi? You may be standing in the way of your own happiness because you cannot see the forest for the trees. This is really another blog for another day.
-DAM
So you REALLY think that EVERYONE is meant for marriage? EVERY one?
Hmmm...gonna have to marinate on that one.
D is TRULY droppin' nuggets today. True story, D.
I mean, I get that your mate may not look like what you imagined, I get that. But that goes for people who are actually looking. Do you think ALL people want to be coupled up and just don't admit it, or are there people out there who don't desire to be coupled up at all? I've met people who don't want to ever settle down. They don't want kids and they don't ever want to be monogamous. Are you saying they haven't tapped into themselves yet? Do you really think all men are hardwired to love and cherish ONE woman? Or spread their seed and populate the earth?
Why oh why did I read this today. I shoulda known not to click through and read this! Argh!
Seriously, not the be a Bitter Betty, this was a great blog and I'm so happy for you both. It's great to find love and really mean it. I hope we're all that lucky!
Congrats D!
I agree, there is someone for everyone. I don't think you need to move out of state to go on a search for your soulmate though (at least, I haven't gotten on that bandwagon just yet). I do hope it happens soon though... I got gray hairs, man! Until then, my hair stylist is a master colorist, and I'll just keep preparing at bettering myself for when that right man comes along. i truly believe if you haven't found "the one" yet, it's for a reason.
I believe everyone at some point in time wants to have a companion. We can all play semantics with the labels, whether to get married or not, etc. But at the end of the day, a human being WILL wake up and want someone to share their life with.
The only difference between us is when each of us is ready for that. Some people may want more than one...but the ones who TRULY want that are rare. Even men who have multiple wives have a favorite/head wife.
"Out of ALL my hoes, you my FAAAAAVORITE hoe!" LMAO!!
Sorry, had to say it...
A "favorite" wife huh? Interesting.
This isn't looking too good :) LOL!
I hope I don't have to move... ;)
Well, put it this way...Hugh Hefner famously had 3 girls he was dating for years (well, he's done that a few times in life). These girls eventually led to all of them getting their own E! show, "The Girls Next Door".
Late in 2008, after many years of romantic bliss with all of them, they all separated. However, Hugh expressed no remorse over 2 out of the 3 girls - but he was devastated at the loss of HOLLY, the oldest woman and his favorite. She was the "head bunny" of the three.
It comes down to this - he enjoyed having three girls, and the sex, fun and adventure that goes along with that. But he LOVED one of them. And that's what I'm saying - as humans, we all want the ability to connect with another, regardless if we're allowed to have other options. We actually ARE wired to find a mate. Even animals grow sad if they lose their mates.
We can put whatever we want on it...but at some point, we all want to be loved and to love. Whether a human admits it publicly or not.
And yes - you may have to move.
Brooke, Rameer hit it on the head; at the end of the day EVERYONE desires the companionship of the opposite sex. Marriage is the natural vehicle that reflects this outward display. So simply put yes...but as I said, there is a caveat. Yolanda, don't hop on the grey dog going from city to city looking for a man just yet! However, he is out there. Not sure where but he is out there.
For some ladies "the one" has come and gone. So maybe "the two" will show up. True story; in high school and even college I was told I was "too nice." Like I had a disease or something. How can you be too nice? I have seen some of these ladies over time we have talked and quite of few of them say "damn dude, you did good for yourself. I would have never thought you would turn out like this." I did not change; they did! Truth of it is; they were not ready. It sounds cocky but it is true.
I think Mike Jones said it best; "Back then they did'nt want me now I'm hot they all on me!"
Well not anymore; did I mention I love her dirty drawz!
-DAM
D, I've never not dated a guy cuz he was "too nice." I dated nice guys back then and I still do. I think you're trying to make it sound like "nice guys" want to settle down. I know plenty of "nice guys" who simply want to date and don't want anything more. I think we have to be careful not to mistake "niceness" with "intentions." Nice guys like to date around too.
As a matter of fact, that's what makes it frustrating sometimes, cuz women nowadays want to settle down with a "nice guy" but he doesn't want to settle down - at all. He'll gladly date you, treat you well, take you out, open doors, has good credit, all his teeth, etc. That doesn't mean he wants to settle down or be coupled up. Nice means nice...it doesn't mean marriage material or monogamy. You are a nice guy who just happened to want companionship, but not all "nice guys" do.
DMurray! Thanks for the shout out. I'm already here! Moved on Friday my brother! You just let me know when and we'll hook up.
I have no comment about women who live or are from NYC over a certain age. It is what it is. I learned no matter where you are at if its time then God will present him to you and same for dudes and women.
The crutty ones and nice ones all played a role and I'm thankful to say that women like me, Brookey, etc are at least not bitter nor spoiled. Some women are so irrate from past relationships that they stay bitter and wonder why no one wants to talk to them.
Same for bitter dudes. The worst. DMurray I know you went through it and so glad you learned the lesson, kept it moving after you healed and now you're lovin' her dirty drawz lol!
Brooke,
Hold on, you may be onto something that requires further study. There are men and women who date and have no intention whatsoever of actually letting you into their life. There is a piece of them that you can never ever have; no matter what happens. Real talk; those are truly lost souls in my opinion. They have forgotten the most important part of life; its the journey. Sure I can share a couple of "real" words with fellas half drunk; even intimate moments with an enchanting lady such as yourself; but when it comes to letting my vulnerabilities known to you; my weaknesses apparent; fat chance. Both sexes do it and you cannot get to where we are talking about by holding onto this garbage. I personally told you some stuff about my ex and if I held onto that I would be in that same vane. I could not completely love someone.
Life is routed in examples so I propose a rhetorical question to prove my point; if and when you get married; will you have separate accounts or joint? This is once again a blog for another day. Honestly there is only one right answer. What's right and what is easy are two different things.
-DAM
So you're saying that people who choose to be single, or just date and not get into a commited relationship, are not right and are choosing the easy way out? Are they lost souls or not on a "real" journey simply because they choose to remain single?
(can you tell I'm playing devil's advocate here? lol)
What about the guy or girl who is a "serial dater" or "serial monogamist?" You know, the ones who date for 3 years at at time and then move on and date someone else for an exteneded period of time? They may seek companionship, but just not for life with one person. Maybe that goes back to what Rameer was saying about having more than one. Can we have more than one soul mate? More than one person God has granted for us?
(and did Serena write "crutty?" LOL!)
I sure did write crutty! Lol! I think D started another blog in itself. I would love to see the theory that there is someone for everyone. But as was stated there are some that don't want to get married. Ah well.
I think this blog deserves a part II :)
Is it just me or is DAM really really high on love because "he" is a happy newly-wed right now? I'm not throwing salt, but see me in a few years when this high wears off, yes you will still love your spouse, but there will be moments where you won't want to see her face - stop frontin" (but right now you are almost sickening - for real, enough already with the dirty drawerz and whatnot - we get it.. really we do.)I have a partner that I love just the same but it was a lot of work (and it aint no DAMN fairytale the way you are going on and on. I think your fairy-tale romance marriage love situation is giving you amnesia about how it can be trying to find the "perfect one and get married".- and stay married. It takes time, patience, its work etc. I also understand you are trying to be "deep" with all of the spiritual journey and lost souls talk, but sometimes its not that, some folks want to date live life and not get tied down with the Drama that marriage bring sometimes.
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