So, my blog today was inspired by a friend and fellow SU alum who sent me a message on Facebook yesterday. It gave me such a chuckle I had write about it today. Kinda long, stay with me.
She told me I could post her note in the blog, so don’t think I’m putting her business on blast. Check it:
So I was out on this date and suddenly thought of your blog. You might have written about this before. If you have, please let me know. I'd love to read about it. Either way, I have to share...
I'm dating this really great guy (from what I can tell). He's a gentleman who opens doors, always picks up the tab (even though I offer to help out), calls when he says he supposed to, affectionate, intelligent, physically fit, and attractive. So what's the problem?...I hate the way he kisses. I like to take my time and don't always kiss right away. Did I mention that he's not into rushing things? I digress...anyhoo, I didn't discover what a horrible kisser he was until a week ago, and we've been dating for over a month. He's hinting that he's "made up his mind," so I can tell that he's really into me. We were at a blues lounge tonight, sitting on the couch, and cuddling, but I cringed at every moment he went to kiss me, whether it was a little peck on the cheek or a more romantic one on the lips.
I kept trying to find a way to let him know gently about his technique, but felt so conflicted. When I polled friends earlier in the day, there was a racial divide. My white friends were saying "tell him," and my black friends were saying "run." I need to figure something out soon, because if I don't say something, I can't continue dating him. I'm constantly on guard preparing myself for the sloppy mess that is called a kiss. It's sad, but even my dog's kisses are drier than his. I don't want to continue walking around all sticky from the spit that has dried on my lips or face. WTF? Hope you have a good day and thanks for listening to me vent:-) See what your blogs have opened up!
Now, Dear Abby I am not...by ANY means.
But “Dear Brookey” has this to say: TELL HIM. And then SHOW HIM. I know you may think his ego can’t take it…and maybe it can’t. Some folks don’t like to be given constructive criticism. But this dude seems like he’s really into you, so give him a chance to prove that he’s willing to learn. Most men are eager to please, and if he’s the great guy you say he is, then he will be no exception.
Now, I know what some women on here are thinking…cuz I thought the same thing. Most men, AND women, who can’t kiss, usually can’t…uh…how do I say this?…they can’t f*ck either. I know I could have been more tactful with that, but some things just need to be said a certain way. Since you two are taking it slow, chances are you won’t find out for a while if his sex is wack, and we shouldn’t make that assumption anyway. He could be the cat’s meow in that area for all we know. BUT, let’s get the kissing part down first, shall we?
Now, I can't tell anyone the RIGHT way to kiss, cuz this varies for many people. But what I can say is that below are some of the things that make someone a better kisser than others...in MY opinion.
1. A good kisser, first and foremost, cares about oral hygiene. He or she does not smoke, eat onions, garlic, or strong cheese before they kiss you. They take care of all that with brushing and mouthwash before they pucker up. And no one likes the taste of alcohol second-hand! Gross! Always carry gum if you think you have halitosis.
2. A good kisser allows his or her partner to breathe. Sounds so obvious right? But you'd be surprised how many people smoosh your face in so close for so long that the tip of the other person's nose is pressed against a cheek and their mouth is caught in some weird suction action, which will promptly cause you to suffocate. Solution? Vary the intensity, position, and mouth action so your partner can breathe. Switch it up a bit...hard, then soft, slow...then intense. Come up for air, especially if your sweetie's nose is all stuffy because of allergies. Chances are he or she must rely on breathing through their mouth to live. Jus' sayin'.
3. A good kisser adds some real emotion to the moment. Project through your kiss just how much you care for him or her. This isn't a porno movie! No one's watching you (unless your partner is the eyes-open-while-kissing sort). Make it real. And take advantage of romantic moments to kiss. Walking in the rain, in the dark at the movies, while the other person is facing you laying in the bed having pillow talk. Unexpected kisses are usually the best.
4. A good kisser is open to new technique. A bad kisser thinks he or she is God's gift to tongue-waltzing, and isn't interested in improvements. I once kissed a guy that thought he was in the damn movies. All wet and forceful, like he was auditioning for a soap opera or something. He thought learning how to kiss from tv and the movies was the way to go instead of paying attention to ME and how we kiss TOGETHER. Then there's the dude who kisses you with his mouth completely closed, or who sticks his tongue in your mouth like a frog. Yeah, that may have been cool in junior high, but we grown now! And guess what? They didn't get better until when? UNTIL I SAID SOMETHING!
5. Which leads to my last point - A good kisser is a good communicator. We read how she didn't like the way HE kissed, but ask your partner if he likes how you kiss, what you can do better, etc. You have to work with HIM too. Be sure to tell your sweetie what you like the most about his or her kissing...and if you can't do that, compliment his lips saying how good they'd feel if he just slowed down or moistened them a little less. Use words, not vague tongue or lip hints, to get your point across. You deserve to get what you want in the lip-locking department. And your significant other does too! Ask him what HE likes...you may be surprised at what he says.
If he doesn’t seem willing to learn how to kiss you because his ego is getting in the way, then bounce. Offline, you said that physical and sexual compatibility were non-negotiable to you, so if that’s true, then it probably won’t get any better if he’s not willing to work with you on the lip smacking thing. But this seems to be his ONLY flaw. Kissing and Sex can be worked on…perfected even. But personalities are usually set in stone. You can make him a great kisser, but you can’t make him be a good person. Either he is or he isn’t, and he sounds like a good guy to me. Give him a chance. Having a great guy who needs help with his smooching is better than having an asshole for a man who has a mean stroke.
I’m sure others will add their 2 cents, especially the fellas. Before I go, you know I have to give you MY list of signs you’re a bad kisser :-)
10 Signs You’re a Bad Kisser
1. She decides she wants to be "just friends" after the first kiss.
2. She stuffs your mouth with gum every time you breathe.
3. If her lips look like Jay Z’s by the time you’re done, chance are you’re biting her lips too much AND too hard.
4. She never slips you the tongue.
5. She never initiates kissing.
6. She goes for other body parts (read: neck, cheeks, chest) and avoids your mouth like the plague.
7. She yawns in your face every time you go to kiss her telling you she's "so sleepy."
8. Her face is glistening after you finish kissing her and she asks for a towel or wipes her face with the back of her hand.
9. If you can see her, but she can’t see you…meaning your eyes are open and hers are closed, then let’s hope she doesn’t discover that somehow. People who constantly kiss with their eyes wide open are a bit creepy.
10. You see her kissing someone else…the right way :-)
Over the years, I've been blessed to have spent time with, befriend, love, learn from and share experiences with people who have helped me grow and inspire me everyday. They have shared words of wisdom, strengthened me with encouragement, gave me joy with a smile, comforted me with a hug, gave clarity to my visions and dreams and renewed my spirit with faith. It is through family and friends that I manage to be happy and hopeful.
These relationships work because we share our philosophies, our personal truths and an outlook that prompts us to seek something greater in all and in ourselves. Sharing a journey heartedly illuminates our lives and enriches our experiences. It keeps us moving....always evolving....ever changing.
I have been transformed by the wisdom, opinions, insights and revelations of those who have shared their journey with me. It's a blessing I long to share with you through my first ever blog. For me, writing is a reflection of my own direct experience and I look forward to all of you sharing your thoughts and experiences with me.
So...with that said....can I just say.....??? :-)