Friday, July 24, 2009

Dear Brookey...


So, my blog today was inspired by a friend and fellow SU alum who sent me a message on Facebook yesterday. It gave me such a chuckle I had write about it today. Kinda long, stay with me.

She told me I could post her note in the blog, so don’t think I’m putting her business on blast. Check it:

Hey Brooke,

So I was out on this date and suddenly thought of your blog. You might have written about this before. If you have, please let me know. I'd love to read about it. Either way, I have to share...

I'm dating this really great guy (from what I can tell). He's a gentleman who opens doors, always picks up the tab (even though I offer to help out), calls when he says he supposed to, affectionate, intelligent, physically fit, and attractive. So what's the problem?...I hate the way he kisses. I like to take my time and don't always kiss right away. Did I mention that he's not into rushing things? I digress...anyhoo, I didn't discover what a horrible kisser he was until a week ago, and we've been dating for over a month. He's hinting that he's "made up his mind," so I can tell that he's really into me. We were at a blues lounge tonight, sitting on the couch, and cuddling, but I cringed at every moment he went to kiss me, whether it was a little peck on the cheek or a more romantic one on the lips.

I kept trying to find a way to let him know gently about his technique, but felt so conflicted. When I polled friends earlier in the day, there was a racial divide. My white friends were saying "tell him," and my black friends were saying "run." I need to figure something out soon, because if I don't say something, I can't continue dating him. I'm constantly on guard preparing myself for the sloppy mess that is called a kiss. It's sad, but even my dog's kisses are drier than his. I don't want to continue walking around all sticky from the spit that has dried on my lips or face. WTF? Hope you have a good day and thanks for listening to me vent:-) See what your blogs have opened up!

Now, Dear Abby I am ANY means.

But “Dear Brookey” has this to say: TELL HIM. And then SHOW HIM. I know you may think his ego can’t take it…and maybe it can’t. Some folks don’t like to be given constructive criticism. But this dude seems like he’s really into you, so give him a chance to prove that he’s willing to learn. Most men are eager to please, and if he’s the great guy you say he is, then he will be no exception.

Now, I know what some women on here are thinking…cuz I thought the same thing. Most men, AND women, who can’t kiss, usually can’t…uh…how do I say this?…they can’t f*ck either. I know I could have been more tactful with that, but some things just need to be said a certain way. Since you two are taking it slow, chances are you won’t find out for a while if his sex is wack, and we shouldn’t make that assumption anyway. He could be the cat’s meow in that area for all we know. BUT, let’s get the kissing part down first, shall we?

Now, I can't tell anyone the RIGHT way to kiss, cuz this varies for many people. But what I can say is that below are some of the things that make someone a better kisser than MY opinion.

1. A good kisser, first and foremost, cares about oral hygiene. He or she does not smoke, eat onions, garlic, or strong cheese before they kiss you. They take care of all that with brushing and mouthwash before they pucker up. And no one likes the taste of alcohol second-hand! Gross! Always carry gum if you think you have halitosis.

2. A good kisser allows his or her partner to breathe. Sounds so obvious right? But you'd be surprised how many people smoosh your face in so close for so long that the tip of the other person's nose is pressed against a cheek and their mouth is caught in some weird suction action, which will promptly cause you to suffocate. Solution? Vary the intensity, position, and mouth action so your partner can breathe. Switch it up a bit...hard, then soft, slow...then intense. Come up for air, especially if your sweetie's nose is all stuffy because of allergies. Chances are he or she must rely on breathing through their mouth to live. Jus' sayin'.

3. A good kisser adds some real emotion to the moment. Project through your kiss just how much you care for him or her. This isn't a porno movie! No one's watching you (unless your partner is the eyes-open-while-kissing sort). Make it real. And take advantage of romantic moments to kiss. Walking in the rain, in the dark at the movies, while the other person is facing you laying in the bed having pillow talk. Unexpected kisses are usually the best.

4. A good kisser is open to new technique. A bad kisser thinks he or she is God's gift to tongue-waltzing, and isn't interested in improvements. I once kissed a guy that thought he was in the damn movies. All wet and forceful, like he was auditioning for a soap opera or something. He thought learning how to kiss from tv and the movies was the way to go instead of paying attention to ME and how we kiss TOGETHER. Then there's the dude who kisses you with his mouth completely closed, or who sticks his tongue in your mouth like a frog. Yeah, that may have been cool in junior high, but we grown now! And guess what? They didn't get better until when? UNTIL I SAID SOMETHING!

5. Which leads to my last point - A good kisser is a good communicator. We read how she didn't like the way HE kissed, but ask your partner if he likes how you kiss, what you can do better, etc. You have to work with HIM too. Be sure to tell your sweetie what you like the most about his or her kissing...and if you can't do that, compliment his lips saying how good they'd feel if he just slowed down or moistened them a little less. Use words, not vague tongue or lip hints, to get your point across. You deserve to get what you want in the lip-locking department. And your significant other does too! Ask him what HE may be surprised at what he says.

If he doesn’t seem willing to learn how to kiss you because his ego is getting in the way, then bounce. Offline, you said that physical and sexual compatibility were non-negotiable to you, so if that’s true, then it probably won’t get any better if he’s not willing to work with you on the lip smacking thing. But this seems to be his ONLY flaw. Kissing and Sex can be worked on…perfected even. But personalities are usually set in stone. You can make him a great kisser, but you can’t make him be a good person. Either he is or he isn’t, and he sounds like a good guy to me. Give him a chance. Having a great guy who needs help with his smooching is better than having an asshole for a man who has a mean stroke.

I’m sure others will add their 2 cents, especially the fellas. Before I go, you know I have to give you MY list of signs you’re a bad kisser :-)

10 Signs You’re a Bad Kisser

1. She decides she wants to be "just friends" after the first kiss.

2. She stuffs your mouth with gum every time you breathe.

3. If her lips look like Jay Z’s by the time you’re done, chance are you’re biting her lips too much AND too hard.

4. She never slips you the tongue.

5. She never initiates kissing.

6. She goes for other body parts (read: neck, cheeks, chest) and avoids your mouth like the plague.

7. She yawns in your face every time you go to kiss her telling you she's "so sleepy."

8. Her face is glistening after you finish kissing her and she asks for a towel or wipes her face with the back of her hand.

9. If you can see her, but she can’t see you…meaning your eyes are open and hers are closed, then let’s hope she doesn’t discover that somehow. People who constantly kiss with their eyes wide open are a bit creepy.

10. You see her kissing someone else…the right way :-)

Have a great weekend!



Annamaria said...

FIRST BITCHES...that's right I said it

DMoe said...


Annamaria said...

I don't really have much to say on this one. I think everyone is different & likes different things soo I guess it's just a matter of preference. BUT kissing is intimate & it does help with connecting & intimacy..... soooo I think it is important...

Brooke said...

Your streak has ended DMoe :)

The Cable Guy said...

I say tell him. Better than lettin dude walk around all wrong and stuff. How do you expect him to get better if he doesn't know he's not doing it right?

All ya'll women claim it ain't no good men around, but when you get one, you try to find a reason not to be with him and start nitpicking. Kissing can be fixed. Give the brotha a break!

Anonymous said...

I bet the NEXT chick will tell him what to do and fix him...and make him PERFECT. Then what? You'll be mad, assed out!

DMoe said...

Love this topic.

Here's where I stand -

#1. Tell him.
#2. She should make it a sexy lesson
#3. Put on Prince's "adore" and conduct a workshop

What good is somebody "not knowing"?? Kissing can be fixed, personalities cannot.

Here's the thing: people miss the part where she could be lacking in some area as well and everybody's "living in the matrix" as opposed to constructive exercises to make change. People only have one gear for critical info and that's "fucked up"
Nobody tactfully, diplomatically tries to state controversial things
The dude has a choice, because some fools would develop a complex
(I have experienced this)

Some people cant handle being told anything. Dont know how to talk AND Dont know how to listen
Yet, we live in a society where men are hard-wired to learn, adapt and be whats needed. Women on the other hand? Have never been told
"you should go slower" OR "take your time" I wont say all, but LOTS of women have complexes to START with about things they think they arent good at, or are self-conscious of. The mere subject
has to be "cinnabon" (glazed with icing) For me, I am so NOT cinnabon, I am Sbarro. Here's the spaghetti, would you like meatballs?

I like to be tactful and diplomatic. Let's be real. There are women who are bad at sex. No rhythm, no sense of the harmony of the dance. But everyone (male and female) thinks its all about how THEY feel, instead of tuning oneself into the enjoyment of the other.


MissLady said...

"Having a great guy who needs help with his smooching is better than having an asshole for a man who has a mean stroke."

ain't THAT the truth!

Every guy I've been with that is GREAT in the bedroom was a complete asshole! That's ALL they were good for.

Your dude, on the other hand, sounds like a keeper. Just teach him and keep it movin...good brothas are hard to come by these days!

-V- said...

If a man can't kiss, how well can he bone?

The Cable Guy said...

I agree with DMoe, why is it all about YA'LL? If we said ya'll sex was wack or you can't kiss, we'd be the jerks. But she's ready to bounce on a good dude cuz he can't kiss? da fuck outta here.

Kinda got lost with the whole spaghetti and meatballs thing, but I think what he's saying is a dude will either not deal with you no more or tell you what it is up front what you doin wrong. And if that's the case, then she should just tell him what's up and see what he does from there.

Annamaria said...

LMAO.... I am cracking up at V's comment... AND I kinda agree if he can't kiss I would definitely think twice about his skills in the bedroom....

And then you gotta decide if you want to teach his ass that too...
But if he's a great guy you just might want to make that effort... I wouldn't...LMAO...but someone else

Annamaria said...

I got lost with the whole spagetti & meatballs thing too BUT I FIGURED HE WAS STILL CONFUSED AND HURT CAUSE I WAS FIRST & HE WASN'T!!!!!! LMAO

Brooke said...

I don't think she'll really leave him over it, at least I hope not. It all would depend on his reaction to her telling him, based on how she tells him, etc.

That being said, V raises a valid question that most women are concerned with. MOST women think this way...that if a man can't so much as give you a good kiss, then his "other" skills might be lacking. I'm not saying it's TRUE, but every woman I've ever had this conversation with said that the guy who couldn't kiss couldn't do much of anything else either. SO why you may be able to tolerate the bad kissing part, you might not be able to teach him in the bedroom. Again, not saying it's true or it's right, but just what I've heard. And making it a sexy lesson in the bedroom can also be fun if the other person is willing to learn and to please. Enthusiasm goes a long way!

Sexual compatibility is very important for alot of people, for's a deal breaker.

Yolanda said...

DON'T TELL HIM! Stoke his ego and sex it up a bit.

I gather they haven't gotten to the hibbidy dibbidy yet but, one way to get him on board with the better kissing is to get you some chocolate sauce, maybe tie him up or something kinky, then tell him DON'T MOVE. Put the chocolate on his lips and start to kiss it off. Ask if he likes the way you're doing that. Then ask him to do it to you. Tell him you LOVE it when he kisses like that, slowly & sweetly. Then he'll get the hint (and maybe you'll get some hibbidy dibbidy)!

Yolanda said...


Brooke said...

Hmmm, never thought of it that way!

good one!

Rameer said...


1. DMoe is ON POINT. Good assessment, bruh.

2. Yolanda's advice is also ON POINT. I'm starting to REALLY THINK out of everyone, you're quietly the freakiest! Not cuz you reveal a's what you reveal and how you reveal it. My Freak spidey-sense is going off when it comes to you!!!

Brooke said...

Right! and y'all talk about ME!!

Yolanda's got me BEAT!!!

Jeff Dorcely said...

For the record... Yolanda has me DYIN' by referring to sex as "Hibbity Dibbity"!!!! LMAO!!!! But seriously, I would personally WANT a woman to tell me. I'd rather not look like Boo Boo the Fool thinkin' I'm a mack when my kissing swag ain't on point!!! Just sayin'...

Brooke said...

Jeff!!! You commented!! Thank you!

So Jeff, you mean to tell me you wouldn't wanna be tied up and someone pour chocolate on your lips and lick it off? ;)

Just sayin' ;)

Yolanda said...

I plead the 5th on those freak comments.


I went to Catholic school! Haaaaa...

Georgia Peach said...

OMG - I didn't even finish to read your response, but I CAN TOTALLY RELATE to your friend. As I'm reading this I keep wondering is this me writing this letter.

OK I'll go back and read your response, but I HATE HATE HATE sloppy kissers and that's all I seem to ever meet. UGH...ok I think I'll need therapy over this issue eventually cuz I am traumatized.

Georgia Peach said...

Great advice for both sexes Brooke! Love this topic.

Brooke said...

Thanks Glee!

I've definitely been in the same boat, can TOTALLY relate!

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