Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Tuesday!

I was trying to think of a sappy, syrupy blog to write today in honor of Sade's new cd dropping, but nothing came to mind. With Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I could conjure up Cupid's spirit and come up with something to read along to the lyrics of "No Ordinary Love."

But nothing sugary came to mind...at least not today anyway...(ask me again on Friday).

But what DID come to mind was this book I've been hearing about for a couple of weeks now. It's called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

I can hear women now..."Oh hell naw!"

This woman has been everywhere with her book, from The Today Show to O Magazine to Dr. Phil. She's not just peddling her book, she's defending it. Something about the word "settle" seems to unnerve some women - enrage them even. But I think I get what she's saying.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advising my soldiers of love to marry a man who they're not attracted to, or who they aren't compatible with. But I don't think she's saying that either. I haven't read the book, so I can't be sure - but she argues that all she's doing is giving women insight that she wishes she had in her 20's and 30's. And she's only giving this advice to women who want to get married one day.

The women who seem to be up in arms about her book say things like, "I don't need a man, or want one, to be happy" or "I deserve Mr. Right."

Well, if you don't need or want a man - then don't read her book and go on your merry way. And for the women who DO want a husband, I think what the author is saying is that women confuse "Mr. Right" with "Mr. Perfect." Guess what ladies (and gents) - "Mr(s). Perfect doesn't exist - so be realistic about what you want in a partner - and I think that's the gist of her message.

Within the past week, I've had two conversations with 2 women who said something very similar to me about men and preferences. One woman said she wanted to date a tall man - a man taller than she is - which shouldn't be too hard considering she's only 5'3.5". But a man who was say, 5'7" was too short for her. Hmmm....ok.

The other woman and I were talking about my "My Best Friend's Ex" blog - and she mentioned that a friend of her's dated her ex even though "he wasn't even her height." That sounded silly to me, because as tall as I am, I never really cared about a man's height as far as dating criteria. I've dated men shorter than I am, my height, and taller than I am - it never mattered to me. That's not to say that I may not have dismissed a man for other shallow reasons in my day, but hearing women say out loud that they wouldn't date a potentially great guy because he's short, or shorter than she is, sounded utterly ridiculous to me...and it makes you think.

I look at some of my friends who are in great relationships, and I look at their men. Their men aren't 6 feet-plus, God-like Alpha males who make six figures, have perfectly straight teeth with megawatt smiles, are smarter than Bill Gates and can put any super model to shame. They aren't moguls like Diddy, they can't sing like Maxwell, or run a ball down the field or on the court. But they're all great guys who make great husbands and fathers...or who will one day.

Successful, wonderful women feel that a perfect mate is their birthright. And I think I'm a catch for any man who wants to catch me. We all should feel that way. But great men and women aren't the things of fairy tales or romantic comedies. If a person has 80% of what you're looking for in a partner, then snagging him or her isn't "settling." It's actually quite lucky!

And that's only if that's what you want. Like the author says, "If I'm not interested in golf, I'm not gonna read a golf magazine." So if you're not interested in possibly getting married one day, then maybe her book isn't for you to read. I'm not even saying her book is on point or that I'm gonna read it myself.

But there's nothing wrong with wanting a husband or a wife. There's nothing wrong with relaying your experiences to other women so they can get out of their own way. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married, and there's nothing wrong with settling for "Mr. Good Enough." All of our experiences are different.

I'm not out here trying to sell you on books or magazine articles on love, dating and relationships. After all, they have their audience, they're playing us most times and most of us eat it up - and they make their money. That's what it's all about.

But the topic of this book has caused so much controversy, it was worth taking a look at why. Ms. Gottlieb says, "I'm not saying don't fall in love. I'm saying learn to compromise so you can." That makes sense to me. Maybe our fairy tale love involves the guy who just may be an inch or so shorter than we are, or who isn't as athletic as we'd like, or doesn't make the six figure salary we hoped for. But just because he's not perfect doesn't mean you're settling. "Mr. Good Enough" just might be no ordinary love - but EXTRAordinary.

-b

TGIF!!!

Do any of you watch Private Practice? If you do, then you know there's some shady goings on between Addison Montgomery (Kate Walsh) and Sam Bennett (Taye Diggs). If you're not a fan of the show, I won't belabor you with details - but in a nutshell, Addison's best friend is Sam's ex-wife - and Addison and Sam were contemplating gettin' busy! Some real trifling, stankadank stuff happening.

I think most of us agree that the rule is YOU CAN'T GO AFTER A FRIEND'S EX. No way, no how, not NEVA! Especially when the person is her ex-HUSBAND and they have a child together - not just some dude or girl you hung out with once.

Sam argued that he was over his ex-wife, that SHE left HIM, and that he's moved on. But do you move on with your ex-wife's best friend? Uh, do you really have to ask...???

Addison eventually said no to his advances, saying that she can't betray her best friend - but she had to think about it first. I mean REALLY think about it. She kissed him, contemplated sleeping with him, but decided against it because, as her best friend said, "that would make her the worst person ever." So she didn't do it.

But I'm sure that's not the end of the story since we ARE talking about a tv drama here. My fellow Private Practice fans, stay tuned for more foolishness to ensue.

But my question to you is this: Is it EVER okay to date a friend's ex? And when I say "ex", I mean "ex-anything" - ex-crush? ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? ex-f*ck buddy? ex-dude-you-just-met-one-time-but-wasn't-feelin'-him-like-that?

I think it depends on the parties involved, the circumstances, the level of trust and honesty, and A LOT of maturity. It MIGHT be okay if your friend accidentally stumbled upon the same dude you just happened to meet online, but the relationship never went anywhere. But probably NOT okay if your friend was pining away after the guy you just got out of a 2-year relationship with - or your EX-SPOUSE!

So blog family - is it ever okay to date your friend's ex? Have you ever wanted to date a friend's ex but refrained out of respect for your friendship? Has a friend's ex ever approached you, and you had to THINK about reciprocating? Or is anyone your friend ever even LOOKED at off limits?

Holla at me!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!


- Happy Birthday Pretty Ricky!

- There's this "doppelganger" thing going around on Facebook - and some of you are dead on - but most of y'all are trippin with who you think your celebrity twin is. The majority of you DO NOT look like Halle Berry or Gabrielle Union...OR Idris Elba, Will Smith, Morris Chestnut or Tiger Woods. That's not to say that some of you don't really have a celebrity twin, but c'mon son...take a REALLY GOOD LOOK.

- I think Jon Stewart is hilarious:



- I've been on a workout grind with Ms. Monica! We're doing it!

- Super Bowl Sunday! I hope it's a good game :-)

- Isn't it odd that people who want to join the military to fight for our freedom don't get to enjoy the freedoms they fight to protect?

- When my baby nephew answers the phone, he says, "Flaaavor Flaaave....who's this?!" Cracks me up every time!

- Yolanda, I ordered boots from Zappos and had them sent to my sister's house. They got there the next day, I can't wait to try them on!

- When people say they don't have time or are too busy, most times what they're really saying is that they're too busy FOR YOU. People MAKE TIME for what they WANT to make time for.

- My middle left finger is still swollen and sore. Nothing helps. Ice, Icey Hot, heat, nothing. Any suggestions besides going to the doctor?

- Sade on Tuesday!

- Someone emailed me an article that says that I should either freeze my eggs or get a donor by the time I turn 37 so that I can have a baby while I still can. Considering I'll be 37 in 21 days, that was depressing.

- I want chocolate - a Milky Way to be exact.

- I have boring meeting after boring meeting today. Fun.

- Think Tiger Woods will come back earlier than expected?

- I have a free movie ticket that expires tomorrow. What should I go see?

- Not ready for another snow storm this weekend. Do I go to Philly and brave the snow, or stay my behind home and stay snuggled up with my cat on the couch?

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

My friend Patrick posted this as his Facebook status today:

Hit up "urbandictionary.com" and search your first name. Put the meaning as the first comment.

So I did, and this is what is listed under "Brooke":

1) A word more along the lines of Gorgeous, Beautiful, Pretty, Glamorous...2) Sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality: 3) Excitingly appealing; glamorous.the coolest person in the world - and she is quite pretty indeed. One of the most amazing people you will EVER meet! Brooke's are really fragile, and extremely caring at heart! They are always positive, and will cheer you up when you are down! sexy beast, hot girl. no guy can resist her - The best name ever - aka "Fucking Awesome."

While that seemed pretty accurate (smile) - the real meaning of Brooke is: From an English surname which denoted one who lived near a brook.

Nothing Afrocentric about my name for the most part. No deep meanings either. However, I was named after my grandmother's favorite singer - a Black man named Brook Benton. I would have been named "Brook(e)" whether I was a boy or a girl.

But some people I know have names that have awesome meanings - like "Aisha" which means "alive" or "Amir" which means "commander" or "prince" or "Akili" which means "bright and smart."

Some would argue that these are very "Black" or Arabic names - there's nothing "European" about them. However, when most of us name our children, we give them names that represent what we want them to become, or names that bear pride in one's family or culture. We want their names to mean something.

But what does it mean when Jamal can't get a call back to set up a job interview? Is "Linda" more employable than "Lakisha?"

Your name should define you in a positive way, not diminish you in other's eyes. But we all know that we live in a society where some employers discriminate against job applicants based on the Afrocentric or "black-sounding" names on their resumes, regardless of their education, job experience or qualifications. Jamal could be a Harvard grad, while Jeremy could be a high school drop out...and Jeremy STILL MIGHT get a call quicker than Jamal will. Sad, but true.

In a research paper by University of Chicago economics professor Marianne Ber-trand and Massachusetts Institute of Technology economics professor Sendhil Mullaina, 5,000 fictitious resumes were sent out in response to more than 1,300 help-wanted ads in The Boston Globe and the Chicago Tribune. Resumes were randomly assigned a variety of very "black-sounding" names, such as Lakisha Washington and Jamal Jones, or very white-sounding names, such as Emily Walsh or Greg Baker.

Two higher-quality and two lower-quality resumes were sent out in response to each ad. Black-sounding names were randomly assigned to one of the higher-quality resumes and one of the lower-quality resumes. The resumes with white-sounding names received 50 percent more call-backs for interviews than those with black-sounding names. Resumes with white-sounding names received one call-back per 10 resumes, while those with black-sounding names received one call-back per 15 resumes.

Now, this shouldn't surprise anyone, but my question to you all is: Have you, or are you considering, giving your child a "white sounding" name so that they don't have to deal with this type of discrimination? Or do you plan on giving them names that mean something to YOU - even if they sound "ethnic"?

Most would argue that no matter WHAT name you give a Black, Middle Eastern or Latino person, they may still be discriminated against when they come face to face with the HR representative who will see who they really are - so why bother trying to fit in?

I've gone into interviews and personally gotten the surprised-to-see-I-was-Black look on their face - with the response,"Oh, YOU'RE Brooke?" In most cases, I still got the job, and my resume usually spoke for itself...but maybe they assumed that I was "less Black" because of my name.

It's hard to say I would have gotten those interviews anyway had my name been Shaniqua. But having the name Brooke hasn't made me any less proud of my heritage. I'm not "less Black" because I just happened to be named after a man who has a "White sounding" name. I don't need to have a "black sounding" name in order to be proud that I'm black. I've found that a lot of my friends who are now becoming parents, or who plan on becoming parents, have told me that they are going to raise their children to be proud of who they are, but still give their children conservative names so that they don't have to deal with any "extra" discrimination. After all, there are blatant, obvious pitfalls to having a name that screams "ghetto" - even if the name has a regal meaning.

So...again I ask, is it better for our children to have more common names rather than ethnic sounding names? Do we give our kids a chance on a not-so-even playing field, or do we wear who we are on our sleeves...and our resumes?

Think about it - an HR rep makes a decision to call a person back based on his or her resume in 10-15 seconds, which is not a lot of time to sift through one's intrinsic biases. Maybe if they took the time to read past the name, they'd see that Jerome graduated at the top of his class and has amazing credentials. But that sometimes doesn't and won't always happen...unless they're trying to fill a quota.

Those of you who have children - tell us their names and the reasons why you chose those names. If you don't have children, but plan to one day - how do you think you'd name them?

Go!

-b

You can probably guess by the title of my post that it's TMI Tuesday. Don't be alarmed folks, it's just a title.

But that's not to say there's no truth to it ;-)

Now before you throw yourself all into a tizzy, I haven't lost my damn mind. I know that condoms are necessary all the time. One bareback ride could be a death sentence, and I'm very well aware of that. And as loud as my clock is ticking, I'm not trying to turn up preggers either.

That being said, you can't tell me that latex on your sensitive skin down there feels natural - man OR woman. I'm just keepin' it 100...y'all know I'm right. I know they make condoms that feel like "nothing" - or so they say - but I haven't used one yet that felt as good as hot, throbbing flesh against my...

....whew! gettin' hot in here?

(fanning myself)

Anyway, like I was saying - men are assumed to be the only ones who have a problem with the feel of a latex glove choking the life out of them from the shaft up. But let me clue some of you into something...women don't like the feel of it either. We probably hate it MORE than men do. Why? Because nothing is worse than a man who is too clueless to realize that you may not be as lubed as you should be, and continues to pound away at you until the hot rubber starts a small forest fire on your va jay jay. Then, when we get up to pee, it burns like the dickens cuz y'all asses made it red and raw down there and now our sh*t is all jacked up and knocked out of whack for a couple days til it heals.

Sorry, had to rant about that for a sec.

But that's not what I wanted to really talk about. What I really wanted to get your opinion on was when - and more importantly HOW - does the topic of unprotected sex come up? Now, this doesn't apply to jump-offs and fuck buddies, or even friends with benefits. With them, the condom stays put at ALL TIMES. Period.

But what about the guy/girl you've been seeing for 6-12 months? The sex is good, but you know it could feel SO MUCH BETTER skin to skin.

Men: Please don't tell me it happens like this:

(all hot and heavy, poking at her butterfly wings, too late to turn back now...)

Man: "Do you have condoms?"

sskkkkkrrrrrr (sound of brakes screeching)

....let me stop you right there - huh?

Men - asking a woman if she has condoms at that moment doesn't make you seem NON-presumptuous when it comes to sex - it makes you seem stupid. If you're over 25, then you're grown enough to know to carry at least ONE condom on you at all times. What we REALLY think when a man doesn't have a condom is that he's prepared to hit it raw...not that he didn't assume you were having sex. Grow up.

Woman: "No, I don't"

Again with the foolishness.

A woman should have a standard issued condom somewhere in her possession. Maybe not always in her purse, but definitely in her house/apartment. And chances are, she probably does and just SAYS she doesn't.

Why? Two reasons:

1) Because she doesn't wanna appear to be a ho - because sadly enough, there are still men who exist who think that simply because a woman has condoms in her possession, she's some sort of strumpet.

OR

2) She only has Magnum XL's left over from the LAST dude she was sleeping with and she's already seen/felt your man meat and knows the condom is too big for you - so she won't embarrass you by offering you one that she knows won't fit you. Sometimes y'all play yourselves thinking you can fill a Magnum, and that we don't know with one glance what you're working with. Trust me, we KNOW...and we don't need any slip-ups...or "off's."

Ladies: Hopefully the decision not to use condoms doesn't go like this either:

"It's okay, I'm on the pill."

Again I say...huh?

Da hell are you talking about "I'm on the pill?" ...And?

Last time I checked, the pill didn't protect against the Clap. And if a dude falls for that line or sees it as an invitation to hit it raw, then he's just as much an idiot as she is. It's not about a baby...it's about herpes! With the pill, the patch, the IUD and Plan B, women have that baby thing on lock - and women who don't want to get pregnant...DON'T. But there ARE trifling ass women out there who know your dumb asses will fall for that crap - so be smart. Most women with a bit of sense don't want your snotty nosed, rusty behind babies anyway. They just wanna feel some hot, non-latex friction! Make sure you know which one you're dealing with.

This blog is getting long, so let me try to get to my point.

Yes, using condoms is a necessary evil in most cases - whether it's sexual encounter #1 or #100. But when two people decide to become exclusive, it's only natural that the glove will come off at some point. This is when a real conversation is necessary. For some reason, I think people are afraid to have that "talk" - so instead, they invent ways to accidentally go raw without discussing the implications or consequences of that decision. Saying, "I'm on the pill" isn't answering the question, "How would you feel if we got pregnant right now?" Or asking, "Don't you trust me?" doesn't answer the question, "Are you having sex with anyone else besides me?" People either don't want to ask the REAL questions when it comes to sex and relationships, or they say what they THINK the other person wants to hear.

One of the perks of a flourishing, monogamous relationship isn't simply having sex without condoms - but also having honest conversations about sex and intimacy. A moment of lust shouldn't be a factor in your decision making when it comes to having unprotected sex. Trust and a mutual understanding of the consequences of that act and what it means to both of you SHOULD be. Don't avoid the conversation because you think NOT using a condom is a deal breaker, or because you think USING condoms means he or she doesn't trust you. Whether you decide to use them up until marriage, or even well INTO marriage, make sure it's a decision you both made TOGETHER for the right reasons....not because you didn't wanna make a run to CVS in the middle of the night. It's better to have "the talk" than end up burned or knocked up.

Cuz that's just not fun for anybody.

-b

Happy Monday!

Today is "Bloggers Unite For Haiti Day" - and I wanted to share a video with all of you. It features one of my best friend's father doing his thing in his mother country. His name is Dr. Rodrique Mortel, and he is a doctor and Haitian transplant to the United States. He gives new meaning to the saying, "To whom much is given, much is required." Check him and others out as they provide help to those in need:



As I watched the "Q&A" portion of the Miss America Pageant on Saturday,(shout out to Miss Virginia - the newly crowned Miss America) one question posed to a contestant was (and I'm paraphrasing) "Do you think we should help Haiti when we have so many problems of our own right here in the United States?"

I've heard this question asked a lot actually, and I think it's a ridiculous question. Sure, we have our own issues. But are people really suggesting that we shouldn't help a nation that is already one of the poorest, if not THE poorest, on the western hemisphere after such a devastating earthquake? Are we THAT heartless?

Yes, we have pockets of extreme poverty in our inner cities. Yes, we're in a recession. Yes, we still need to do more for the victims of Hurricane Katrina right here in our backyard. But despite a recession, the unemployment rate being at one of its highest ever, corporate greed, bailouts, and fighting 2 wars - the Unites States is still one of the most prosperous nations in the world.

Most of our citizens don't have to worry about where they can find clean water to drink, or a roof to cover their heads. We have clothes on our backs and we feel safe. Not ALL of us - but the majority of our citizens don't know anything like the struggles that Haitians have felt long BEFORE the earthquake...let alone since.

To whom much is given, much is required.

Most times we can't see past our own problems, our own struggles, and those of our families. But sometimes it's not all about us. Sometimes we have to look at our lives and realize just how many blessings we actually DO have. It's so easy to complain. But if you truly look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you only look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.

Look at what is happening in Haiti, and then look at your life again - and then ask why we should help Haiti.

Silly question right?

Let's strive to look past the confines of our individualistic lives and see ourselves as part of a global community. Being a citizen of the world means simply that we are all interconnected. Having this mindset doesn't mean you have to empty your bank account to give a donation, or jump on a plane to dig through the rubble. It could mean giving $5 by texting 501501 to Yele, or 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross. It could mean giving some of your time to help gather clothing and supplies to ship overseas. Or it could simply mean sending up prayers as you climb into your warm beds at night.

Whether it's a tsunami that kills over 200,000 people in Asia, or a hurricane that drowns a city here at home - our first thoughts should be, "What can I do, how can I help?" We should exude a spirit of generosity, and not expect anything in return. Our reward is in helping our fellow man and doing His will.

On this the first day of Black History Month, I'm reminded of a quote by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - "Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'" I ask YOU - have you done all you can to help Haiti?

To whom much is given, much is required.

-b