Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday blogs are so hard for me, because I find that I have no idea what I'm going to write about. I usually just have to wait until something hits me or someone suggests a topic - which is what happened today. So let's see if I can bring to life a subject given to me. Since it's Monday, I'll try to make it light and funny...well...with my kind of humor anyway.
A coworker was telling me that a guy she had been seeing seemed like a great guy at first, but then turned into a dick and she didn't see it coming. Now I find that there are usually signs that a guy (or a girl) is an asshole. But she asked me to tackle this issue from a woman's point of view, so the guys will just have to roll with us today :-) Her question? How do you tell a Mr. Nice Guy from a Mr. Dick?
A lot of men I know feel that the old saying "nice guys finish last" still holds true to this day. What is it about a nice guy that even nice girls don‘t want? This should be an interesting subject to kick off the week since most women think nice guys are extinct, and the nice guys scattered around the world say that they're hidden in plain sight.
So today, I'll try to list some of the guidelines we women use to tell if you're a Mr. Nice Guy or a Mr. Dickhead. Ladies, get ready to take an honest look at yourselves too!
That First Phone Call
Mr. Nice Guy - Gets your number in the club or wherever you meet him, and calls you the very next day. If he doesn't want to appear TOO thirsty, he'll wait a day or 2, but usually it's the next day. During the phone call, he sounds genuinely interested in what you have to say and makes good conversation all the way up until you get sleepy or YOU decide to get off the phone and call it a night (or call your boyfriend or other guy you met). The next day he calls you back like he said he would the day before and asks you how your day was. While he's listening to you attentively, you're ready to get off the phone and do other things (or another guy). When you talk to your girlfriends, you carelessly bring up the new guy you met and tell them that he seems really nice.
Mr. Dick - He spits some hellafied game at you in the club like the Mack Daddy Pimp that he is and gets your number...along with about three other women that night. He waits about four or five days to call you, but when he does he‘s a little more charming than Mr. Nice Guy. He pretends to listen attentively while making comments such as "for real?" or "Girl, you bullshittin'" while playing video games or flipping through channels. He quickly turns the conversation to sex, and after a juicy exchange where you‘re all moist and tingly, he tells you he'll call you back later. You don‘t hear from him for about two or three days. When he does call you back, you're so glad to talk to him again that you brush off the fact that he didn‘t call you back like he promised. He'll get off the phone first like he did last time, and you'll play yourself and make a sly remark like, "I guess I'll talk to you in another three days" so he gets the hint that you want to talk sooner. He hangs up and you don‘t hear from him for about a day or two. During that time, you talk to your friends and tell them about this guy you met that you are feeling but he doesn‘t seem to be that into you.
Sex the First Time
Mr. Nice Guy - He takes you out or invites you over for a home cooked meal for the fifth or sixth time - you've been dating kinda steady. He rubs your feet while playing nice music. Around the sixth or seventh date, you finally decide to give him some because you're horny. The sex is cool, but it was nowhere near fantastic because you weren‘t really into it like you know you could've been - and you really ain't feelin' him like that. When you wake up (if you even stayed the night), you give him a hug and maybe a peck on the lips and never come back. He calls you, but your conversation is short - or worse...you don‘t even bother to answer. You're almost always busy when he tries to see you again. You tell your girlfriends that he would make a better friend than a boyfriend and that he would make a good guy for "so and so."
Mr. Dick - He invites you over after 10pm (can‘t risk someone seeing you come in) or takes you out to the movies and Burger King if you're lucky. To get you in the mood, he puts on some R. Kelly and offers you some Hennessey and Coke to increase his chances, while breaking out the baby oil to give you a rub down. During his full body massage, he tongues your body better than your loofah sponge ever could before slipping on a condom without you knowing it, and slides right in. It feels so good that you forget the fact that this is y'all's first date and you let him hit it every way imaginable. After he rocks your world, you pass out in his bed (if he even lets you stay cuz he "has to work"). When you leave, you attempt to give him a hug and a kiss - and then you head home with your hair looking a hot mess. The next day you tell your closest girlfriend how he blew your back out and that you hope he doesn‘t think you get down like that on the regular. For the next few days, every time the phone rings you hope it‘s him.
Mr. Nice Guy - Calls and checks in like a good boyfriend and gives you the space and freedom you need to hang out with your girls. He surprises you with little gifts all the time. He cooks for you and is even nice to all of your friends...including the male ones. When you don‘t call or seem distant, Mr. Nice Guy has a hard time sleeping because he suspects something is up, but you don‘t care. You wind up cheating on Mr. Nice Guy one night and tell your girls how bad you feel for doing such a nice person dirty like that. The sex between the two of you starts to dwindle because you start sexing the guy you cheated with even more. Now when Mr. Nice Guy wants to have sex, you make excuses. When you do have sex, it‘s more of a sympathy screw than anything else, and is less likely to be enjoyed by either of you. You tell your friends that you think the relationship is coming to an end because you two are "growing apart."
Mr. Dick - Never calls when he‘s supposed to and he accuses you of cheating every time you and the girls go out. He‘s never home at all times of night, and when he is he doesn‘t answer his phone because he says, "the ringer was off so he could sleep." When the two of you are talking on the phone, his line beeps like crazy, but he tells you its his boys Ray Ray, Craig 'n Nem trying to get him to go out. His phone never rings when you‘re at his place because his ringer is always turned off. You don‘t cheat on this guy - instead you do everything in your power to show him that YOU are not cheating. You lie and tell your girls how good he is to you.
Mr. Nice Guy - Hates to argue, but when he does, he makes up for it by giving you some flowers or just sincerely apologizing - even if he hasn‘t done anything wrong. You argue with him in public, including arguing with him in front of his friends or yours. You make fun of him or take little stabs at him around other people and try to make him the butt of all your little annoying jokes. Mr. Nice Guy shrugs them off and smiles, all the while feeling embarrassed and irritated and secretly wants to choke the sh*t out of you. Although no one ever comes right out and says it, it‘s quite obvious that you don't respect him. You tell your girls that he's your bitch.
Mr. Dick - Hates to argue and you damn sure betta not neva argue with him in public or show your ass in front of company. You wouldn't dare talk back or try to clown him because he's already given you a list of do‘s and don‘ts. No, I'm not talking about a physical list - but more like a look your parents used to give when you did something wrong that told you you better straighten your ass up. If by chance the two of you do fight over something that‘s his fault, his apology sounds more like, "Baby, you know how I am...now get nekkid so we can make up." It‘s obvious who wears the pants in this relationship, and you better stay in your lane. You tell your girls that sometimes your man gets on your nerves...but he's not that bad.
Standing His Ground
Mr. Nice Guy - Always agrees to see the movie you want to see because he wants you to be happy... and hopefully you will like him more. Here‘s the big one - even when you know that you were wrong and he was right in a big argument, he just lets you have your say. You talk mad trash to Mr. Nice Guy and constantly threaten to leave his ass since the two of you can‘t "get along anymore." You tell the guy that you are cheating with that you're getting tired of your boyfriend and you ask him if he can come over.
Mr. Dick - Never has a problem speaking his mind because he‘s not worried about you not liking him. He has no problem seeing the movie you want to see since nothing else good is playing anyway, and he figures he'll get some cool points for it. What you like about Mr. Dick is that he'll tell you in a heartbeat when you are wrong. You used to threaten to leave his ass but stopped because he took you up on your bluff - so now you figure that isn't such a good idea anymore :-) Even though this is the guy that you cheat with, you tell your Mr. Nice Guy that you hate guys like him!
Dropping by Unannounced
Mr. Nice Guy - From the very beginning, you knew Mr. Nice Guy would have no problem with you stopping by if you so happened to be in the neighborhood. Since you were feeling him a little in the beginning, you made it a point to drop in whenever you got the urge - whether that was before the club or afterwards. Mr. Nice Guy has a nice, cozy place of his own stocked with all your favorite shower gels and ice cream, and one quick "I'm on my way call" shows you got it like dat! One day you stop by with your girl just to show her what a nice place he has. On the way home, your girl high fives you and tells you that you better keep that one - but what you gonna do about Tyrone? You laugh and say as long as Tyrone keeps handling his business, everything is all good.
Mr. Dick - This guy doesn‘t come right out and say it, but you just know not to pop up over his place...EVER. If you do, you might get your feelings hurt, cuz it‘s a good possibility you won‘t get in...even if you see his car out front. Chances are he either has company...or is waiting for some. You wouldn‘t dare chance just popping up after the club, so you text him first to see if he wants some late night booty. If he accepts, you wait until your girls drop you off and then jump in your ride and head to his house so you can go get your back cracked.
Meeting the Folks
Mr. Nice Guy - The perfect guy to bring home to momma and daddy. His manners are flawless and the guy can even hold a conversation with your father without giving off the impression he‘s afraid. While sitting around the room with your folks, he‘s able to converse about everything under the sun...from Barack Obama and Gates to sports and entertainment. After dinner -before your mother can even start to clear the table - he jumps up and offers to do it for her, along with the dishes. When he leaves, your mom and dad tell you that he‘s a good man and really has a great head on his shoulders. You smile and tell them that you knew they would like him.
Mr. Dick - This is the guy you bring home ONLY to confirm what you already knew. Some of these cats are as slippery as a liar trained to pass a Polygraph Test, but you know your mom and dad can see right through him. At your folks place, he responds only when spoken to and doesn't make idle chit chat. When your father asks him a question about current events, he dances around the subject better than Diddy at the BET Awards. He pretends to be interested in what your parents are saying, the whole time watching the clock and thinking of an escape. However, if he‘s a genuine Dickhead, he has already pre-arranged his escape route by telling you beforehand that he can only stay for a little bit because he has to work. Your father doesn‘t really get a take on this guy because somehow Mr. Dick managed to maneuver out of every man-to-man sit-down with him. After dinner, he may also help with clearing the table, but only after he sees your mother has already started. If she says, "Don‘t worry about it, I can handle it," he gladly sits his ass back down. When he finally leaves, your folks tell you that he‘s okay, but that last guy you had over was better. You tell them that they just gotta get to know him :-)
I hope you found these scenarios to be a little amusing. However, these are just some of the situations I've experienced firsthand or have heard from other women. There are no clear cut signs that fit all people when it comes to determining if someone is a Mr. Nice Guy (or Girl) or a Mr. Dick (or "Dickette") LOL. At the end of the day, we have to keep our eyes open, be honest with ourselves and trust our judgment.
Mr. Nice Guys are out there, but may not show up in a woman's life but ever so often. On the other hand, we've all had our fair share Mr. Dicks to the point where we should be able to tell the difference between the two. They're not all wolves in sheep's clothing. Why is it that women tend to fantasize about meeting Prince Charming, only to run the other way when a nice guy comes along? Is the saying "nice guys finish last" indeed true? Have we really journeyed so far away from the times when it was conceivable to imagine that a man would open his lady‘s door, pull out her chair and treat her like a princess?
Were all Mr. Dicks once Mr. Nice Guys? Is the real reason there are so many Mr. Dicks in the world today because Mr. Nice Guys often get left hanging? Tell me your thoughts on this one. Ladies - ask yourself, which do you prefer? Mr. Nice Guy or Mr. Dick? Or do you want a combination of the two? Be Honest! As Pretty Ricky would say, "No for real, stop playin'!"