Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm BAAAAAACKKKK! I told you I'd be back with another blog. I could have saved it for Monday, but something about the subject matter just felt like a Friday to me. You know why? You guessed it....cuz CRAIG wrote it! And Friday's and Craig go hand in hand! "Cuz it's Friday, Craig ain't got no job...and you ain't got sh*t to do!" Let me get you in the right frame of mind first:



Shouldn't we be calling Craig "Smokey" instead? Just a thought. Ahem, anyway - this clip was the FIRST thing I thought of when I read Craig's blog today. All I can say is Craig has issues. A straight nut!



TOSSED SALAD: Hold the VEGETABLES...By Craig Verde

How horny or crazy do you have to be to lick someone’s asshole? I don’t mean to be vulgar, but seriously. Now, I’m a grown ass man and I’ve been hornier than two black college bands at the Superdome, but I have to admit that I’m still not MATURE enough to lick on one’s poop chute.

Now, there are two situations where I am in pretty close proximity to the dark CIRCLE...

1. DOGGY STYLE – As we find our groove and I no longer have to concentrate on my A.S.A: AIM, SPEED and ANGLE…

There I am...methodically stroking like an oil drill basking under the Hot Texas sun...It’s only now I have time to take the moment in. Look at her ugly sex face as she turns to take a look at me (I love when she turns and gives me that, ”WTF are you doing to me look”) Priceless...I feel like Leo standing at the tip of the TITANIC. Anywho, it’s at this time I check how dirty the bottom of her feet are... check to see if she lotions the middle of her back, check for beads in the back of her neck. Little things…

THEN, I take a look STRAIGHT DOWN. Right under my nose is the DARK CIRCLE. THE LAND OF YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE...AND THE DAY BEFORE THAT...REMNANTS OF THE ASS PAST. You know when you go to your online history on your computer and it will list EVERY SITE you went to? Well, that’s your ASS. It’s your FOOD HISTORY. You’re very own DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION.

Now, let me say this - Women always ask, "What makes sex good?" What is good KITTEN? When a man is having sex and it feels like a BLOWJOB. Now THAT my people is gooood KITTEN. It’s good when it feels like you’re getting a BLOWJOB. Guys know what the hell I’m talking about. Having said that, it all feels the same...sorry...fucked up, but true. You have to understand that a man’s penis has amnesia, which is why we do what we do...but that’s another blog...Back to ASS.

Now, even when it feels like a BLOWJOB, crazy things go into your head. I wanna’ bite her big toe. I wanna chew on her hair. I look down at the chute - the best I can do is just stick my tongue AT it...that’s it.

For this next piece, I probably shouldn’t have smoked weed before engaging.

2. ORAL SEX – As I slide down from neck to breast to stomach to thighs to...KITTEN - And for those of you who don’t know, a fireman saving a kitten from a tree has so many sexual undertones its ridiculous - but that’s another blog...Back to ASS.

So, as I’m licking the KITTEN, she moans, she turns. I’m turned on like never before. Every once in a while, as I back up from the Kitten to get some air, I would take a sneak peek at the CIRCLE. It flinched! In my head, I’m thinking, ”I think it just winked at me.” I start to blush as I go back to licking the KITTEN. Maybe it’s the fumes, but I’m starting to get light headed. A level of eroticism I’d never encountered in my life - It was surreal. I felt like the possibilities of what I could do to this woman’s body sexually was ENDLESS!!!! I took another look the CIRCLE. It winked at me again! I felt like I was flirting with the cute girl in the club from across the room. The only difference was that it was an...Ass...hole. ;-/(pause)...

So, as tilt my head down closer, The CIRCLE was winking uncontrollably. Like...it was whispering to me. Out loud mind you, I said “what?”

My girl responded, ”What’s wrong baby?” I shot back, ”I’m not talking to you..” Somewhat stunned, she replied, ”oh, okay.” But there it was...whispering stink nothings in my ear. I crept closer. My girl felt my body position changing.

She blurted out a giggle and followed that with a “Oh shit, It’s like that tonight?” But I was in a trance. What was the CIRCLE trying to tell me? I just had to know. I put my ear to the CIRCLE and it whispered ever so gently,”Kiss me.” I responded, ”Now?” My girl answered, ”Who are you talking to?"

”Mind your business,” I shot back. As crazy as I probably sounded to her, she never questioned me with my mouth so close to her ass. I looked at the CIRCLE. There I am, face to ass. Moment of gloryhole - I close my eyes and go in for the kiss. I opened my mouth. The problem was, the CIRCLE opened its mouth too!!!! It opened up like a garage door. I was pushed back by the strong breeze...I look up at my girl.

Me: I can’t...

My Girl: You’re such a fucking punk! Grow up…

Me: I don’t gotta’ take your shit!

As I stormed out the room. One day...

-Craig

38 comments:

Keefe said...

CRRRRAAAAAIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG, you are a straight nut!!!!

Keefe said...

oh shit (pun intended) I was first!!!

Keefe said...

Aint that some shit (more pun), I was second too! :-)

Brooke said...

I don't even know what to say to this one. I read it thinking, "Craig is just crazy." But I was dying laughing!

phillygrl said...

lol! Craig definitely thinks it's TMI Tuesdays, or TMI Wednesdays, or whatever day it is..Too too funny!!! & veeery interesting! Enjoy the weekend. I have tons of work! ( AND CRAIG...no .. NO comments abt that last sentence) --enjoy the sun peoples!

ejackson said...

YYOOOOO CRAIG!!!

You had me DYING over here! Im going to get fired for laughing out loud...

i love how her poop chute was winking at you...maybe you should have taken it with syrup??

rotf!

Rameer said...

***reads blog, throws up a little in mouth***

And THAT is the last I'll be reading of this particular blog. Enjoy the Ne-Yo this weekend, Brooke - I'm out like AJ Price in the 6th overtime last night...

momo925 said...

LMAO yo Craig you're crazy! I almost pissed on myself! That was HILARIOUS!

Brooke said...

I knew Rameer would be disgusted! LOL!! Guess we'll just keep our comments going over at the "I Bleed Orange" blog, LOL!!

I wish I could take a ride thru his mind...just once. Cuz I just don't..I mean I can't...I jus don't know....

Annamaria said...

OMG!!!!!!! CRAIG IS NOT ALLOWED TO RIGHT YOUR BLOG WHEN I ENTER MY LAST TRIMESTER!! HE WILL MAKE ME GO INTO PREMATURE LABOR.

THIS WAS FREAKING HILARIOUS!! Her poopoo place was winking at you??? OMG!!!!! I can't take it.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how many of you all are going to admit that you eat ass?

Reminds me of back in the day when brothers wouldn't admit to eating Kitten and sisters wouldn't confess to sucking the bone marrow out of a man's ........

:-)

momo925 said...

the first ones to deny are usually the first ones to head down in that direction LMAO!

Brooke said...

Ain't that the truth! I should have saved this blog for TMI Tuesday, but I couldn't wait! And besides, Craig only sends me blogs on Fridays :-)

I must say, tossing a salad has never been anything I wanted to try. I can see why a man might like receiving it, but a ewww! And a woman? Why?

Anonymous said...

If you can suck d#$k and eat pu$#y (last time I checked, they both dispose of waste), why can you eat a$$?

Anonymous said...

that should be "dispose waste.."

Brooke said...

I'm over here cracking up and feeling a bit woozy with disgust at the same time. I think a bit of Rameer is coming out of me LOL!

Tha BossMack TopSoil said...

lol No Tossed Salad.

Brooke said...

Boss Mack, I checked out your blog, I'm intrigued! I'm going to read further after lunch, thank you for stopping by! :-)

Georgia Peach said...

OMG - f'n hysterical. LOVED IT...I'm literally laughing out loud here in the office. Thanks for the comic relief to kick the weekend off.

Annamaria said...

WAIT I have a question CRAIG???

Considering what you wrote.. YOU came EXTREMELY close to tossing the salad... DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EVER GOING TO GET THERE????? DID YOU WANT SYRUP OR JELLY??? What do you think now??

Craig n 'em said...

I honestly don't know...I should just smear chocolate all over her ass and just go for it...That way I won't know what is what!

Annamaria said...

Craig PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO JUST THAT & THEN WRITE THE SECOND PART TO TODAY'S BLOG FOR MONDAY. IT CAN BE CALLED TOSSED SALAD PART 2 THROW SOME CHOCOLATE IN THERE...LOL

OMG!!!! I just want you to do it just to see your reaction! lol

Poor Rameer is probably somewhere rocking back & forth wondering what the hell is wrong with everyone! lol

Craig n 'em said...

Anna....It WINKED at me...;-(

I need a moment...

Annamaria said...

LOL...I understand that...OK let's talk about it..

Do you like it when your girlfriend winks at you?? ;)

If you met Halle Berry on the street & she winked at you would you be disgusted??? LOL

Serena W. said...

I think of tossed salad I think about that dude who turned the whole place off with his poem that was banned from the national slam competition because it was all about Tossed Salad.

Like I said...he wasn't cute, the poem turned people off. He ruined for anyone who ever had any intention on tossing one. lol!

Craig....you're crazy!

Georgia Peach said...

I honestly think my fave part was that it WINKED at you. LMAO... that's nuts. LOVE it... chocolate sounds like a good way to experiment. No way in hell i'd try it, but so glad you're adventurous enough for all of us.

Craig n 'em said...

But this is a WHOLE different kind of WINK...

I love HALLE BERRY!!! But if you said PENELOPE CRUZ.....Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit........WITH A MUTHAFUCKIN STRAW!!!!

Just don't tell my girl...

ejackson said...

if you use chocolate...i'll never look at it the same way again...

Craig n 'em said...

If eating ASS is your thing...cool...I just prefer not to smoke with you...

Thing about it is... you have to plan eating ass...

Husband: Hey Honey, how was your day?

Wife: Horrible...I was late in getting my bus because we had a CHIPOTLE party at my Job..I had two burritos...It was delish....THEN, on my way home...Bus broke down...I had to walk 10 blocks for the train...Train was stuck underground for 30 minutes before it moved...I was standing all this time...I went to the gym and got on the treadmill for 45 minutes...And I'm waiting for word on the promotion....I'm so stressed...

Husband: I'm sorry babe...what can I do...Let me rub your feet...

Wife: How bout we play a game...Your tongue is a Q tip and my ASS is an EAR...Make it happen...

Husband: Bitch! After the day you had????? You trippin...

NAAAAAH...can't be spontaneous in eating ass...Put that shit in your CALENDAR....Make a spa day...take some citroma...Cleanse yo ass...Pray on it...have some wine...relax...aromatherapy...candles...make an event out of it...THEN! Maybe...

Brooke said...

That's how I feel about anal sex. Like ewww! can't that be messy?! If anything you have go plan, anal sex is it...you can't just spring that on someone all willy nilly. I've had a couple try to "trick" me with it and I wasn't havin it. THAT requires a spa day, some alcohol, an enima, PRAYER, all dat!

ejackson said...

don't forget an enama first!!

cause if it opens up and i smell last weekd din-din..whoooo!

Craig n 'em said...

LMAO! "Trick" you? How they try to trick you?

Dude: Hey look! The statue of Liberty!

Brooke: where???

Dude:(Munching) Mna Mna Mna Mna Mna....Yummy!

Brooke: Hey! What are you doing? You tricked me!!!

Brooke said...

LMAO!!! Not trick me into eating ass silly!!! Anal sex!!! Pay attention!! Yo, that was FUNNY!! hahahahahahahahaha!

Annamaria said...

OMG how does craig come up with these conversations!! I'm DYING OVER HERE!

P.S.-i still find the winking thing HYSTERICAL

Brooke said...

When I read the part where he says the CIRCLE said "kiss me," I LOST IT! People at work were like "what the hell is so damn funny?"

Georgia Peach said...

OMG - Chipotle party?????

@ Brooke they tried to sneak attack you?

Statue of liberty. so f'n funny.

Serena W. said...

WAY OFF TOPIC! I left it on the other blog...have y'all seen the new SU Marathon Shirts reflecting last night? If so check it out and comment on the other blog.

http://bookstore.syr.edu/

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog Tossing Salads: Hold the Veggies lmao!

Annamaria said...

I really don't want to picture anyone's poopoo place taling to anyone else...LOL

BUT that crap was funny!

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