Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Happy Hump Day - DuWayne!!!
So, last night, I was accused of flirting on Facebook. Matter of fact, I was called "Queen Flirt." I thought it was kinda funny for two reasons. One, the person who called me that is the KING of flirting...and two, I don't view myself that way. I personally just think I'm a friendly, approachable person...but I could be wrong. Maybe I give off a flirtatious vibe, who knows. But is that a bad thing? I don't think I OVER flirt - cuz I hate that myself - but if you think I do, please tell me!
Personally, I think there's an art to flirting. It's effective in its subtlety. It's a glance, a slight brush across the hand, some well placed words. When done well and successfully, flirting can boost your confidence. Since I was called out as being a Facebook flirt (debatable), I'll point out that technology has made it so that you can build on and enhance this skill before you master it face to face. Nowadays, you can text, IM, email, Facebook or Twitter your flirts :-) Technology has added a new dimension to flirting, and most shy folks start off there and then work their way up.
For one, you have time to think about what you're going to say on text/IM; you're not pressured to come up with something clever on the spot. And when he/she responds, you can take your time responding back. You can take as much or as little time as you like to formulate the perfect, flirtatious reply. Second, you can say things on text or IM or wherever that you might not necessarily say in person. You might feel the urge to be a bit sexy, but wouldn't dare in person for fear of coming across as oversexed or inappropriate. That is one of the biggest mistakes most men make - they flirt with the goal of getting you in bed...and they come across that way. Most women are turned off by that. Not saying women don't do it too, but most women flirt for fun :-) If we sense you're flirting with sex on the brain, it's a turnoff. But if you say something sexual over text or IM, and it doesn't go over well, you can always try to play it off like you were joking. It doesn't always work, but at least you can say that the joke didn't translate well via text/IM because your sarcasm couldn't be inferred from inflection and tone.
Once you master flirting electronically, you may feel confident enough to bring some of that game into practice in person. Just make sure you pay attention to the cues you're receiving in person that you don't get to see via text/IM, because otherwise you might come across as overbearing, oversexed, crazy or just straight corny.
Instead of telling you what I perceive to be the art of flirting, let me tell you some DON'T's...at least the way I see it anyway. Feel free to add your two cents.
Like I said earlier, I think men and women sometimes flirt differently, and for different reasons. Most times when a man is flirting heavy with me, it comes across as overtly sexual instead of fun. Women mainly flirt to get attention, even if they have zero intention on talking to you again, let alone sleeping with you. Not saying women don't have sex on the brain at times when they flirt too, but mostly women flirt to feel you out to see if you're even worth going there. If done correctly, we can be flirtatious without seeming "ho'ish" LOL! But like I said, only if done correctly.
Men have to apply the same thought pattern when they flirt. Flirting should be about engaging and communicating with the woman on her level - feeding off her vibe, not your secret desires to hit that at the end of the night. If you come across as a horny toad, she'll run...unless that's on her mind too. But if you want to do it right and effectively, then here is what works on ME:
Keep the touching to a minimum.
Now, I'm not saying don't touch me AT ALL. Far from it. The right touch at the right moment is sexy as hell, and sends me a signal without you saying one word. Touch my hand when you're telling me something funny, or stand a little closer to me. Let our knees touch at the movies, and let your fingers dangle over the armrest on my leg. Help me put my coat on and move my hair out the way....little touches.
Don't grope me, grab me, squeeze me or touch my face...cuz if you do that, now you're invading my personal space and working my nerves. Lean in like you're telling me a secret and touch the small of my back. Trust me, I'll notice.
Don't sound cocky or rehearsed.
If EVERY word out your mouth sounds perfect or like you've rehearsed it, then we'll think you say the same thing to every woman you meet. It makes us think you flirt for sport, not because you're really interested in US. Coming across as a "professional flirter" loses its novelty REAL QUICK. And while we're on that....
Don't Flirt with every chick in the spot.
Women talk. You know we do. And if you're known as the dude who flirts with EVERYONE, trust me, we've talked about you and compared notes. Women like to feel special, like you're only interested in us. If you're not flirting with the intention of getting her attention or her phone number, then by all means...flirt away. But if you flirt with every girl at the club or the party, trust me...we SEE you. You might be the King Flirt, but by the end of the night you'll become the clown who's only entertaining himself and just casting a wide net to see who bites. We'll be calling you the annoying dude who tried to hit on every chick in the joint..and that's just wack. And last...
Staring isn't flirting.
Have you ever been out and there's some dude who is just staring? I mean, burning a hole through you with his eyes? A glance with smiling eyes is one thing, but a guy who thinks he's trying to "play it cool" and be "mysterious" can actually come across as....well..."stalker-ish." Sitting in the corner or standing across the room giving us the "death stare" will make you either look like you lack confidence to come speak to us, or you will simply creep us out. Very unbecoming.
Now trust me, I'm certainly no expert in flirting...hardly. I just told you what works and doesn't work on me. I think flirting is fun, and I admit to doing it when the mood strikes. I don't know if I'm "Queen Flirt" or if I even want that title. But hey, at least someone thinks I'm good at it :-) But if you haven't mastered the art of flirting, then stick to Facebook until you get it right :-)