Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sorry for the late post today. My internet is down at home, so I'm forced to do my blogs in the morning from work, and it's been meeting after meeting today. I try to think of something to blog about the night before I post, but it seems I have writer's block if I can't use my internet...how crazy is that!?! If I can't log on to Facebook or IM, I don't turn my laptop on at all. I come home, take a nice hot shower and then watch tv. And if I'm watching tv, that means I'm not thinking about my blog, let alone writing it. Maybe I just needed a break from the internet for a hot minute. Maybe this is forcing me to simply relax when I get home. But now, I feel like I have nothing to talk about :(
So this morning I asked my boy Jay what I should blog about. His response? "Do you really want to know the WHOLE truth?"
Hmmmm....this could be interesting.
I asked him to give me an example, and he said, "Do you really want to know if your girl has slept with the entire football team back in the day?"
He then goes into detail a little further. He tells me that he was once "intimate" with this young lady, but things cooled down and they stopped seeing each other. They reconnected a year later....but this time she could do some "tricks." He said she was biting his nipples, juggling his balls in her hands (is this TMI Tuesday?) and slapping his ass....all things she had never done before. In his mind, she had learned all this from someone...but clearly not from him. He said it made him wonder who or how many guys she'd been with in that year they were apart. Finally he said he had to tell her to stop biting his nipples :-)
As curious as we may be, do you REALLY want to know who your man or woman has been with, how many, and what they did? There seems to be a double standard between men and women when talking about the number of sexual partners or past freaky habits, so women tend to struggle with this question. Here's why - fast forward to 1:25:
"I guess that's how you was raised" LOL!!
It may seem that women are a few steps behind men in the sex department...or so we'd like to think. This is why women may not ask the question as much as it's asked to us - women just assume men have been around. But women in this day and age may not be as far behind men as we think - which is why men nowadays are reluctant to ask the question too. I guess it depends on why you want to know. Is it a security thing? A health thing? Why do we want to know?
If you're prepared to be challenged, then go ahead and ask. If you're not ready to accept the reality of their answer, then don't go there. Don't bring it up, don't start something you can't finish, or that may bring more harm than good. Straightforward explanations may lead to an argument, insecurity or jealousy. In reality, no partner needs to know all the details of your entire life - especially if it may bring discomfort or have a severe impact on the relationship before the relationship is even ready to withstand such truths. Some of us can handle the REAL truth, some may not.
If you feel that you need to know, or that your partner needs to know your sexual past, then bring it up casually and let it flow from there. On a mature level, you should be able to discuss sex and simply ask or answer in an around about way - in a way that can provide comfort to you and your mate. Most likely they'll let you know if they want to know more; but if not, then simply ask them if they have any more questions that you can answer briefly. If they feel it's of importance and they need to go into more depth, be honest, but brief, so your mate doesn't have to pull teeth. If you hear something that you don't necessarily want to know, then stop. Just accept, believe, trust and respect what they say without making accusations or assumptions. When discussing the past, most of us might be shocked at certain revelations, but guess what? We all have a past. All of us do.
But we all should desire a future too. It's hard sometimes to keep in mind that every single one of us has a past, whether it's dirty, freaky, sweet or squeaky clean. We all need to have a past to appreciate who we are in the present and where we're headed in our future. When sex arises as a subject, some of us are not prepared to speak openly, for the mere fact that we really don't want to know or face the truth. It's about being comfortable in who you are and where you're going.
If you're not ready for or to face the truth, then wait for a better time to discuss the subject further...if at all. Detailed sex conversations of the past can be a difficult conversation if done truthfully, so remember to be compassionate and understanding. My motto is, the past is the past, and the present relationship is all that matters. Focus on that, and you may find that the two of you together - NOW - is all you need to know.