Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Do You REALLY Wanna Know?

Happy Tuesday!

Sorry for the late post today. My internet is down at home, so I'm forced to do my blogs in the morning from work, and it's been meeting after meeting today. I try to think of something to blog about the night before I post, but it seems I have writer's block if I can't use my internet...how crazy is that!?! If I can't log on to Facebook or IM, I don't turn my laptop on at all. I come home, take a nice hot shower and then watch tv. And if I'm watching tv, that means I'm not thinking about my blog, let alone writing it. Maybe I just needed a break from the internet for a hot minute. Maybe this is forcing me to simply relax when I get home. But now, I feel like I have nothing to talk about :(

So this morning I asked my boy Jay what I should blog about. His response? "Do you really want to know the WHOLE truth?"

Hmmmm....this could be interesting.

I asked him to give me an example, and he said, "Do you really want to know if your girl has slept with the entire football team back in the day?"

Good question!

He then goes into detail a little further. He tells me that he was once "intimate" with this young lady, but things cooled down and they stopped seeing each other. They reconnected a year later....but this time she could do some "tricks." He said she was biting his nipples, juggling his balls in her hands (is this TMI Tuesday?) and slapping his ass....all things she had never done before. In his mind, she had learned all this from someone...but clearly not from him. He said it made him wonder who or how many guys she'd been with in that year they were apart. Finally he said he had to tell her to stop biting his nipples :-)

As curious as we may be, do you REALLY want to know who your man or woman has been with, how many, and what they did? There seems to be a double standard between men and women when talking about the number of sexual partners or past freaky habits, so women tend to struggle with this question. Here's why - fast forward to 1:25:



"I guess that's how you was raised" LOL!!

It may seem that women are a few steps behind men in the sex department...or so we'd like to think. This is why women may not ask the question as much as it's asked to us - women just assume men have been around. But women in this day and age may not be as far behind men as we think - which is why men nowadays are reluctant to ask the question too. I guess it depends on why you want to know. Is it a security thing? A health thing? Why do we want to know?

If you're prepared to be challenged, then go ahead and ask. If you're not ready to accept the reality of their answer, then don't go there. Don't bring it up, don't start something you can't finish, or that may bring more harm than good. Straightforward explanations may lead to an argument, insecurity or jealousy. In reality, no partner needs to know all the details of your entire life - especially if it may bring discomfort or have a severe impact on the relationship before the relationship is even ready to withstand such truths. Some of us can handle the REAL truth, some may not.

If you feel that you need to know, or that your partner needs to know your sexual past, then bring it up casually and let it flow from there. On a mature level, you should be able to discuss sex and simply ask or answer in an around about way - in a way that can provide comfort to you and your mate. Most likely they'll let you know if they want to know more; but if not, then simply ask them if they have any more questions that you can answer briefly. If they feel it's of importance and they need to go into more depth, be honest, but brief, so your mate doesn't have to pull teeth. If you hear something that you don't necessarily want to know, then stop. Just accept, believe, trust and respect what they say without making accusations or assumptions. When discussing the past, most of us might be shocked at certain revelations, but guess what? We all have a past. All of us do.

But we all should desire a future too. It's hard sometimes to keep in mind that every single one of us has a past, whether it's dirty, freaky, sweet or squeaky clean. We all need to have a past to appreciate who we are in the present and where we're headed in our future. When sex arises as a subject, some of us are not prepared to speak openly, for the mere fact that we really don't want to know or face the truth. It's about being comfortable in who you are and where you're going.

If you're not ready for or to face the truth, then wait for a better time to discuss the subject further...if at all. Detailed sex conversations of the past can be a difficult conversation if done truthfully, so remember to be compassionate and understanding. My motto is, the past is the past, and the present relationship is all that matters. Focus on that, and you may find that the two of you together - NOW - is all you need to know.

-b

41 comments:

Latinegro said...

First....fix yout internet!

Annamaria said...

NOPE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!!!! That is why I don't ask!!! I hate when people ask & then throw it in your face or use it against you... And I know that if I heard something that bothered me it would be in the back of my head soo I don't ask! As long as it didn't result in anything that is potentially harmful to my health. Let's just keep it moving. lol

Brooke said...

Exactly, that's how I feel. I would hope that a person would tell me of any potential health risks, that goes without saying. But as far as how many, what y'all did, etc. - keep that to yourself :)

E.PAYNE said...

I've never asked my wife, not even once. Every so often we used to travel down this strange road where I'd be reminiscing happily like, "back when I was in college there was this chick and..." then she'd say, "yeah I remember on campus this dude ---" STOOOOOPPPP! "I didn't ask you, nor do I want to know, EVER." She said I wasn't being fair. Oh Damn Well. Her sis and a boyfriend got into a huge argument after he asked the question he wasn't prepared to hear the answer to. It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed. I don't know what dumb-ass tree he fell out of, but a rule of REAL MAN-dom is never ask a question you know you don't want to know the answer to or hope you think you know what the answer might be, period. This ain't Parker Brothers so don't play that game with yourself.

Like Brooke says for the sake of transparency if there is a health situation (typically a dealbreaker by itself) but otherwise, no. NO.

The Fury said...

I wouldn't want to know how many or who you did what with, but definitely what you like having done.

So Jay found out his girl likes to bite nipples or juggle balls, that's her thing! LOL

Sometimes how the person acts during the act can you give you an idea of how experienced or just how damn freaky they are. So be it. Let it ride (no pun intended).

As for details, be careful what you ask for.

Brooke said...

When Jay told me the story, I cracked up. I was like, "uh... juggling your balls..?" Definitely more than I needed to know. He said she did these things because she thought he'd like them based off the fact that ANOTHER dude probably liked it. SHE didn't like it, she thought HE and any other man would. He knew that if she was paying attention to HIM, she'd know he didn't like that.

(by the way, he wasn't a big fan of biting nipples OR juggling balls...at least not with her hands anyway) LOL!

But like Fury said, based on sexual prowess, you MIGHT be able to figure out how experienced they are. But then again, if you're in monogamous relationship after monogamous relationship, you may feel safe and secure within that relationship to try a bunch of different things...so that may not necessarily mean QUANTITY, but QUALITY! :)

And by the same token, if a persoon has had a STD, it doesn't necessarily mean that he/she is/was promiscuous. It only takes one...and if that ONE was one of THREE...still doesn't matter. Hard to keep an open mind, I know, but you have to. You never really know.

E, I'm with you...keep that to yourself! :-)

Jay said...

First of all, Brooke LOL@ juggling my balls. That made my day!!

Secondly, typically, (unless there are health concerns) I don't want to know. Not much good could come from that - most likely heartbreak and misery, LOL. I know you have a past, you know I have one. I may want to know who (ie: if you dated my brother), but I don't need to know where? when? how?

That's especially true for me because I always seem to meet women that were wild, crazy, party girls before they met me - but now they're celibate.

(But that can wait for another day and another blog.)

Georgia Peach said...

I don't really want to know, nor do I want to share either. That's just my personal thing. All I want to know is that you don't have any diseases, that you're not into drugs, you're not bi or DL and that you know what you're doing. I always feel like I'm being compared to someone else when they feel the need to keep bringing up past history. Keep the past in the past.

Latinegro said...

honestly, I am a realist. I expect my partner to be good at what she does. If I were to ask that question then I know I should get something I may not be expecting.

But you know what? Who am I to judge? So if my womnan was a freak in her past life is that gonna stop me for loving her? I am not sure that is entirely fair.

ejackson said...

i agree with GP! as long as you are not DL and are drug and disease free, why should i care?

as long as there are two consenting adults involved (more if you are a freak), I dont see what the problem is!

Anonymous said...

I know all my man's dirt and he knows mine.

Serena W. said...

Yep I don't wanna know. As long as you've been checked out and have a clear bill of health then we're good!

Rameer said...

My boy Bruce said something that has always stuck with me throughout my entire life:

"Never ask a question you don't want to know the complete truth to."

He was saying this to a girl he was dating years ago when she confronted him about sleeping with a girl she disliked before they met. I KNEW the answer, and she just wouldn't let it go...so when he told her everything in blunt, explicit detail, she was all upset...and that's when he said those cryptic words.

I'm with the majority of the blog - I don't want nor need to know if no health concerns are present. I don't even care. Seriously. Like, even on the non-sexual tip. I tell a woman "I don't care about what went on BEFORE me - all I care about what IS going WITH me."

But I do admit telling a dude while at SU that a certain trick his girl knew was courtesy of yours truly...I remember he damn near turned white when I said it in a crowded room of cats, so everyone KNEW it was true! LMAO...he was talking too much ish about how he was "handling things right" now that she was with him.

I know...trifling. But FUNNY...

Andre aka The Black Cloud said...

I like to hear about the mental trauma. Which boyfriend screwed them over etc. It helps when you have to walk through the mind field of baggage.

Sexually, no thanks. You can keep it to yourself...besides, I already know no one has ever done that in this way and made you feel this good. So why I need to hear about those scrums? LOL

It's like telling Lebron about the 12th man on the bench during Cleveland's inaugural season. That's cute, sweetie, now watch this dunk from the baseline. Feel good don't it!? LOL

I kid I kid

Brooke said...

Y'all are silly :)

My favorite question from a guy is "am I your best?"

Why?

WHY!!???

...and if you have to ask....

Jay said...

I didn't tell you about a buddy I used to work with. We went to happy hour after work one day. (Me, him, his girfriend and one of her girlfriends) She saw a guy she dated years before. She was telling her friend about the break up which was at least in part because he was "too big" and it was painful when they had sex.

My buddy was sitting there stunned. She then realized what she said and turned to him and said, "Oh, you're perfect." He said "I don't want to hear that Sh*t!" The expression he had on his face...Priceless!!! It was hilarious.

B Dean, I told you about them before - this is the same guy that told me his girl tore her ACL while having sex.

Brooke said...

wow..that's crazy!

Yeah, I can see a man not wanting to know if your previous guy was.. uh...bigger :)

But you'd be surprised how many men wanna know if they were your best, of the biggest, or did it to you like that...it's bananas. If I'm with you now, that's all that matters. If I've moved on from someone, it's over...so you shouldn't worry about it...ever.

Serena W. said...

Jay that's nuts! And Rameer you aint right lol!

Brooke said...

Note to self: Do not have sex with Rameer :-)

Rameer said...

LMAO!!!

Brooke, that was ONE time that I ever confirmed having been with a woman...and the revelation was so earth-shattering, nobody ever even brought it up again. Money was STUNNED.

The girl never knew I had revealed her "skill set"...lol! To this day, only the dudes who were there would know what I'm talking about...

Now, on to the important issue...

NOTE TO MS. BROOKES - TOP 10REASONS TO HAVE SEX WITH RAMEER

1. You'll never deal with me asking if I was the biggest or if anyone was bigger - I don't give a crap.

2. You'll never hear me ask if I'm the best - cuz if I'm not the best you've ever had, I'm cool with knowing I'm ONE of 'em.

3. Sal's Sassy Sauce.

4. Everything's better in Ethiopia...including Rameer.

5. Communication.

6. Soft hands ( a brother washes HIS OWN dishes, damn that dishwasher ish).

7. Hulk-like strength and stamina.

8. Sexy war cry of "LET US FUCK!!!" right before sex to get you in the mood.

9. No curiousity about the forbidden place like all those men you know.

10. And finally, most importantly...Buffalo men do it RIGHT. Ask about us...we're NYC woman approved, and certified on 7 continents.

LMAO!!!

Rameer said...

Clarification: that was one time confirming having a relationship with a woman on SU's campus (it's 2009 - don't need any mistaken context!).

Brooke said...

LMAO!!! @ #8! Not sure screaming out "Let Us Fuck" will get me in the mood, but it WILL crack me up! LOL!!!

Now I'm curious about Sal's sauce, damn that was good!

I'm not a native New Yorker, so not sure what NYC women approved means. But most NYC women I've met don't have standards THAT different than Philly women...and not really higher either :)

ejackson said...

Sal's Sassy Sauce???

Georgia Peach said...

LMAO... this blog has taken a turn today and I think I like it.

Better watch out for #7 Brooke - sounds scary. LOL...

Rameer said...

Did I mention PHILLY woman approved as well? Actually - just give us the whole East Coast, West Coast and Dirty South. And Southern Ontario. And the Caribbean.

But we haven't really faded the Midwest...well, I made in-roads into that territory...

LMAO!!!

Yes, ejackson - SAL'S SASSY SAUCE. Y'all betta KNOW dat!!

Y'all ain't ready...

LET...US...FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK! LMAO!!!

Rameer said...

Lol @ Georgia Peach...

I think the ghost of Craig invaded my brain or somethin' today...

Brooke said...

Sal's Sassy Sauce is GOOOD!

Uh yeah...you DO sound a little like Craig...I still can't believe he asked me if I spit or swallow yesterday :)

Georgia Peach said...

LMAO @

Let us Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Brooke that laughter is the aphrodisiac - that's to get you in the mood girl. It's supposed to be fun right?

Latinegro said...

um...didnt we just have a blog yesterday about rumors????

um...i have issues with number 9. Doesnt Rameer cringe at Anal Sex?

Rameer said...

Make sure you guys rent/download/watch "Zack & Miri Make A Porno". The "LET US FUCK" thing will make more sense...and be even funnier...

SASSY SAUCE. SAL'S.

Nuff said.

Rameer said...

Ant...what issues? I said I'd have NO CURIOUSITY about the Forbidden Place...meaning I wouldn't do it or even ask about it. Get it?

Latinegro said...

Oh i get, you are hyseterical!

Brooke said...

Yeah, the forbidden place is a no-no. Glad we're on the same page :)

I might do it just for the Sal's Sauce alone!

Now I have to go see that movie, cuz I'm already laughing and I have no idea where's it's from - so I know it would be funnier :)

Watch, after we do it, Rameer will be talking to some dude like "you know, Brooke learned that Sal's Sauce thing from me..." LOL!!

Rameer said...

LMBAO!!!

Brooke said...

But you know what's funny...if a guy has a certain "trick" or thing he likes, I never repeat it with another guy. It's kinda like "our thing" and remains that way. I don't think I've ever repeated "tricks"....luckily I have a few of my own :)

Rameer said...

There's only one woman who knows about Sal's...I was gonna bring it out of retirement with a new twist for you...

We can make up our own with a completely new condiment if you like...

Hershey's Strawberry syrup, anyone? LMAO...

Only the SU heads can appreciate the Sal's Sassy Sauce possibility...

Brooke said...

Hey, I don't mind a repeat of Sal's Sauce! LOL!!

You and I are definitely on the same page, cuz Hershey's Strawberry Syrup is what I took to Annamaria the first time I made her cheesecake so she could put it on there. I love that stuff!

I know you're not a cheesecake person Rameer, but we can be creative with your cousin's sweet potato pie :) I forget her name, wasn't it some kind of bird?

Rameer said...

Lol...her name is Robin, but I call her Mockingbird...

And I KNOW we're on the same page. You ain't gotta tell ME, girl...

BOW CHICKA-WOW-WOW!!!

Lol...lemme get outta here before my boss keeps wondering what the hell site this is I've been going on for the past half hour...

Brooke said...

Have a good night boobadoo! :)

sheela said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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Brooke said...

Thanks so much Kaylee!

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